Category: 2018

RBG Rap | Season 44 Episode 6

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Yo, this countryman or woman. It’s crazy. (Crazy)

[Cut to someone coming out of the car showing the shoes] You know there’s only like one lady holding [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] the whole damn thing together right?

[Cut to a lady walking towards the court] And you think some broke ribs are going to keep her down? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] Hell no, and hell no. This is for you, RBG.

[Cut to shots of attorneys in front of the court]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Live Ginsburg and I …

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping with RBG]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

LLive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburgive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd start to rap]

Her name’s RBG and she born in BK

running the Supreme Court killing it since 33.

She went to law school she was first in her class

If she ever wants a date, I plead the court on that ass

she was out there on the strip okay,

telling Trump “Delete your account!”

Fighting for women’s rights, equal right, she [beep]

she work for presidents, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton,

she’s experienced as she should be president

because Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg, where Brooklyn at?

The court is the stage write dissent that throws shade

tell Trump stay out her way, don’t [beep] with my Roe V Wade (precedents)

Supreme courts a boys club she holds it down no cares given

who else got six movies about them and still living

she’s brass knuckles tough her scared got to be kidding me

pour one out for my retired homie Anthony Kennedy

survived the depression and Twitter attacks from Trump

broken rib cage stop her before she eats that for lunch

(Live Ginsburg )

Now you know who I am.

I just snapped on these bars like the gins at a bar exam

Ya Putx

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Now you know we love RBG. Yo, tell them your favorite RBG decision dog. I don’t know. Come on.

Message from Jeff Bezos | Season 44 Episode 6

Jeff Bezos…Steve Carell

[Narrator speaking, Amazon company logo on the left side and ‘A MESSAGE FROM JEFF BEZOS’ written on the right side of the screen.] And now a message from Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos.

[Cut to Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking in front of the Amazon company’s backdrop]

Jeff Bezos: Hi everyone. As you know, Amazon just announced the location of it’s two new headquarters in [Cut to short clip of New York and Vircinia] New York and Virginia. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] And everyone, except or the people who live there and the people who live in all of the places we didn’t choose, is thrilled. Some folks have speculated that I was somehow trolling president trump by building one headquarters in his hometown of [Cut to Short clip of Queens] Queens and the other in his current residence of [Cut to Short clip of White House], Washington D.C. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] thereby overshadowing or humiliating him. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and moving forward slowly in an Amazon warehouse] But that’s simply not true. Sure, he attacked me repeatedly on twitter [Cut to showing screenshots of President Trump’s tweets], but I chose our new locations because they were ideal for a growing business, not just to make Donald Trump think about how I’m literally 100 times richer than he is.

[Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] We needed access to a young, educated workforce, which is why we set up a [Cut to Picture of a map showing Florida] satellite office in Palm Beach, Florida, across the street from Mar-A-Lago. [Cut to Jeff Bezos sitting on a sofa, speaking with a newspaper in his hand, showing the news] And did I purchase “The Washington Post”? Sure. But it was just to run headlines like the White House is in a meltdown or [Cut to Close shot of the news] immigration lawyers suing “The Apprentice” for president Trump’s use of the N-word. I also like the style section. [Cut to Close shot of style section of the newspaper where there is a picture of Donald Trump playing tennis].

[Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and speaking] But the real reason I wanted to talk to you today has nothing to do with Donald Trump, who publicly attacked our company [Cut to Screenshot of President Trump’s tweet appears on the screen] for exploiting the post office. I’m here to announce a brand-new delivery option that doesn’t involve the post office at all, Amazon Caravan. Any package going to Trump’s building will get delivered by hundreds of Honduran and Mexican immigrants, and I will pick up the bill. Unless you order “The Art Of The Deal,” [Cut to The book ‘The Art Of The Deal’ written by Donald Trump appears on the screen] that costs more to ship because it’s heavier. I guess it’s the only book with four chapter 11s.

[Cut to Clip of Drone with Amazon branding taking off] We’re ready to launch drone deliveries too [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking], but testing has shown the customers find drones scary and impersonal. That’s why I’m outfitting each and every drone with human hair. [Cut to A drone with a wig that looks like President Trump’s hair] The style of the hair was completely random. I just wanted something that looked so silly, and everybody knew it was fake, and the drove should just give up and shave his head like a real man would. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and the pictures hung behind him are a picture of him with Kanye West and a picture of him and Kim Jong-Un] And I want to make sure to give back to the new communities for joining. That’s why I’m purchasing a building in Queens that used to be the crown jewel of Fred Trump’s real estate empire and converting it into [Cut to Picture of public urinals] public urinals. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] And in Virginia, we’ll be very close to [Cut to cartoon map of Amazon office across the street from Arlington National Cemetery] Arlington National Cemetery [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] so we can pay our respect to fallen veterans even when it’s raining outside. Thanks to Mr. Trump, Amazon’s future is brighter than ever. [Cut to Jeff Bezos turns on the switch, and it turns on the light that says ‘Amazon’ on the White House building]

[Cut to Branding logo of Amazon SickBurn] This has been a sick burn by Jeff Bezos.

GP Yass | Season 44 Episode 6

Husband….Steve Carell

Wife….Heidi Gardner

GPS Voice (American Male)….Kenan Thompson

[A car is driving on a highway][Cut to husband and wife inside the car, husband driving]

Normal GPS voice: You will reach your destination [Cut to GPS device] in six hours.

Husband: This is the worst, [Cut to husband and wife] miles of gray highway with this [Cut to husband] monotone lady giving directions.

Wife: How about [Cut to wife] we switch modes on the GPS?

Husband:  [Cut to husband] Switch modes?

Wife: [Cut to wife] Yeah, look, there’s American male, American female, and [Cut to GPS device] this one, drag entertainer.

Husband: [Cut to husband and wife] Well, that sounds unusual and fun. [Cut to GPS device][Wife turns on drag entertainer][Disco lights and music starts inside the car]

Speaker 4: Yes, queen, [Cut to husband surprised] [Cut to wife enjoying] I’m gagging on this scenic byway I’m giving you. [Cut to GPS device]

Speaker 5: [Cut to GP-YAS commercial] Introducing GP-YAS, with the popularity of RuPaul’s drag race, Garmen has extended our voice options to include drag entertainers. Let GP-YAS [Cut to husband and wife] turn your unstimulating trip into a sickening one.

Wife: Look, honey, the icon for the car is a [Cut to GPS device] glamour link fingernail.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three characters of GP-YAS] Entering school zone!

Speaker 4: Bitch, slow your ass down [Cut to husband and wife], so you don’t squash a child flat like a squirrel. [Cut to husband surprised]

Wife: [Cut to wife] Even the warnings are enjoyable.

Husband: [Cut to husband] I can’t see the map, but don’t care.

Speaker 5: [Cut to three male strippers dancing] GP-YAS keeps updated on traffic alerts [Cut to wife enjoying] and disaster areas.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three GP-YAS characters] Disaster area up ahead!

Speaker 7: It’s a damn mess.

Wife: [Cut to husband and wife] Oh, honey, I think you missed the exit.

Speaker 4: [Cut to GPS device] Turn around. Turn around!

Husband: [Cut to husband] You go, girl. What did I say?

Speaker 7: You arrived!

Speaker 8: [Cut to the stage of SNL, a singer is performing]Just make it fun and free [husband and wife get out of the car and joins in the stage dancing] you’re gonna live forever, follow me to the ends of the earth we’re going it together. Yes, yes. G to my P to my YAS!

Speaker 5: [GP-YAS commercial playing] GP-YAS, Sold in any town where there’s still a circuit city.

Disney | Season 44 Episode 6

Dad….Steve Carell

Son 1….Mikey Day

Daughter 1….Melissa Villaseñor

Son 2….Pete Davidson

Daughter 2….Aidy Bryant

[Four kids are sleeping. Dad turns on the light and wakes them up.]

Dad: Kids, kids, wake up. I have a big news.

Son 1: Dad, it’s in five o’clock in the morning.

Daughter 1: Why is dad in here?

Dad: [Cut to dad] Because it’s time for you to pack your bags. We’re going to Disney World.

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Disney world?

Daughter 2: Yes, that’s so nice, but you don’t have to cheer us up. We already know that mom’s leaving you.

Dad: [Cut to dad] She what?

Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] Don’t worry.

Son 1: Yeah, we’re fine with it.

Dad: What are you talking about?

Son 1: [Cut to son 1] My god, does he not know?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] No, no, no. He has to know.

Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] He’d be idiot if he didn’t know.

Daughter 1: The whole town knows. [Cut to Daughter 1] It’s in the newspaper.

Son 1: The messed-up part is dad is the one who introduced each of them to one another?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Introduced who? What’s happening? [Cut to everybody in the room]

Son 1: No, is our dad dumb?

Son 2: Yeah.

Daughter 2: He didn’t even notice when the cat ran away, we replaced it with a dog.

Dad: You what? My cat?

Daughter 1: What is wrong with him?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Okay, enough. Have some respect. I am your father.

Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] I mean, not technically.

Dad: What does that mean?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I mean, how can we know all of this and our dad has no idea.

Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] You mean your dad!

Dad: [Cut to Dad] All right, how about this. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here and I will still take you to Disney world.

Son 1: [Cut to Son 1]We were just at Disney world.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] You were?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2]Yeah, for Jeremy’s birthday.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Jeremy?

Son 2: [Cut to Jeremy] Me. Does he not know our names?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Wait, wait, if you were at Disney, where was I?

Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] We assumed you were coming but then we realized mom didn’t invite you.

Daughter 2: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, and we were like why are we at Disney World with dad’s boss?

Son 2: Yeah, is dad as boss, [Cut to Son 2] Ron going to be with us the whole trip?

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] It was pretty clear he and mom were sleeping together.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’m so confused, I can scream right now.

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Actually, why are we whispering?

Dad: I don’t want to [Cut to Dad] wake up your mother.

Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Dad, she’s definitely not here.

Dad: What?

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, she’s been gone or a month. She lives in Arizona with Ron and in four days, so will we.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’d love to go too, Arizona. I’ve never seen the ocean.

[Cut to Son 1 looking confused]

Son 1: Dad, and I mean this, what the hell is wrong with you?

Dad: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Okay, okay. Listen, [Dad walks up to Jeremy and sits beside him] I have something, I want to tell you guys. Things haven’t been going well with your mom.

Son 2: Jesus, dad.

Dad: I think she might be cheating on me.

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I can’t do this again.

Dad: [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Maybe with my friend Dave.

Son 2: It’s [Cut to everybody in the room] Ron!

Dad: But I’m giving up because you kids are four miracles. You’re my miracles. [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Especially since your mother and I have only done it twice.

Son 2: All right, dad, I think that’s enough.

Dad: Okay, you’re right. All right. [Cut to everybody in the room] I’m going to bed. I have a big day today. Gonna surprise my kids with a trip to Disney.

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

[ Democrat 1, wearing a blue sweater, is raking leaves in her front yard while her two children are playing in the leaves. ]

Democrat 1: This Tuesday, November 6th, Democrats are bringing much needed changed to America. There’s a blue wave on the horizon, and I have never felt more confident. [ She raises a thumbs up but her hand is shaking, and she is smiling nervously. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 standing on sidewalk wearing a blue dress shirt and blue tie. ]

Democrat 2: The Democrats are taking back the House. It’s a win we need and a win we’re going to get. [ He raises his cup of coffee with a shaking hand popping the lid off the cup. ] I’m sure of it. [ He is shaking as he tries to take a sip while spilling coffee all over. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 3, in a blue collared top and blue apron, she is arranging flowers in her shop. Her hands are shaking violently, and petals are flying off her flowers as she tries to place them in the vase. ]

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

[ Cut to Democrat 4, a doctor wearing a lab coat and a blue sweater. He is standing with his patient. ]

Democrat 4: It’s been a minute, but we’re going to win. Nancy Pelosi just said so on Colbert. [ He grabs an oxygen mask and huffs the air. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding a kitty. ]

Democrat 5: White women promised to do the right thing this time. They’re not gonna let us down, right? [ The camera zooms in on the kitty who rolls its eyes and meows. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 back on the sidewalk. ]

Democrat 2: We’re gonna win! Yeah! [ He takes a joint out of the mouth of a passerby and smokes it. ]

[ Cut back to Democrat 3 in her flower shop. ]

Democrat 3: This ones in the bag. [ She is pouring liquor into a flower vase and then takes a large gulp from it. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 6 sitting on a park bench. ]

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

[ Cut back to Democrat 1 in her front yard. Her children are playing behind her. ]

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

[ Cut to Democrat 7 sitting with his mom, Democrat 8. ]

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 8: It was not funny!! [ She slaps democrat 7 across the face. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding two kittens. ]

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

[ Cut to Democrat 4 with his patient in the examining room. He has his arm around the patient, and he is shaking him. ]

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

[ Cut to Democrat 2 on the sidewalk. He lifts his arms up to reveal that he is drenched in sweat. ]

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

[ Cut to Democrat 1 sitting on her front lawn. She throws some leaves in the air. ]

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

[ Cut to Democrat 8 shaking Democrat 7 who is holding his face where he was slapped. ]

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

[ Cut to Democrat 3. She is slamming a thumbs up on the table in her flower shop and is visibly drunk. ]

Democrat 3: We got this. [ She screams, and as her scream gets louder, she breaks all the glass in her shop window. ]

[ Cut to title screen that reads, “VOTE! PLEASE?” There is a graphic of a red, white, and blue donkey with a nervous look on his face next to the words. ]

Teacher Fell Down | Season 44 Episode 4

Teacher…..Kate McKinnon

Student 1…..Jonah Hill

Student 2…..Pete Davidson

Student 3…..Aidy Bryant

[ Image of outside a high school. The marquee reads “Madison High School” and “Homecoming Next Saturday.” The bell rings. ]

Teacher voiceover: Whoa! [ There is loud thump noise and a group of students gasping. ]

[ Cut to the classroom where the teacher is on the floor lying on her side. ]

Teacher: Ha, ha, ha. Teacher fell down.

Student 1: Are you okay?

Student 3: Yeah, ‘cause you really fell down there.

Student 2: Yo, you need like help?

Teacher: No, no. It’s too late for that. Teacher’s on the ground. Like a silly little girl. Well, I’m not a little girl, and I didn’t fall.

Student 1: Yes, you did. Do you wanna like get up, though?

Teacher: No, no. We’re staying in this. ‘Cause, I’ve got a hunch, and I’m not a psychologist.

Student 2: Yo, this is Driver’s Ed.

Teacher: But maybe you’re laughing, ‘cause you’re afraid. Teacher’s on the ground. Everything’s different. Are we okay?

Student 3: Yeah, we’re good. But, are you okay?

Teacher: Oh, ‘cause I tripped. ‘Cause I was teaching too fast. You remember how fast it was?

Student 1: Nah, I think it was just cuz you didn’t realize your shoes were heelys.

Teacher: Say, honey, what now?

Student 2: Uh, heelys are sneakers with wheels in them.

Teacher: Impossible! This is all funny now, but it’s not gonna be funny if it turns out I have two broken legs. And I’m in a full bottom mermaid cast. Wheeled around in a trash bin, covered head to toe in the stinky trash. That’s not funny. Spaghetti in my hair.

Student 1: I think that is funny.

Teacher: Alright, you, you laugh it up. Laugh away like this is some episode of Friend.

Student 3: Do you mean Friends?

Teacher: I don’t know movies.

Student 1: [ He stands up from his desk and heads towards the teacher on the ground. ] I can’t take this, I have to help her.

Teacher: Halt! I can teach from the ground, can’t I? Yes, uh, let’s place our hands on the wheel. Okay, remember, how old are my kids? Ten and two. [ She motions placing her hands on the wheel but then falls over more. She places one finger on her nose. ] Oh. Oh my dear God. Teacher fell more.

Student 1: It’s honestly not that much different. You’re like three inches lower.

Teacher: God, I’m on the ground. Oh! I’m where I belong. They always said I was too frail. Said I wouldn’t live past three. And I wish I hadn’t.

Student 3: Oh no, don’t tell us stuff.

Teacher: You know I’ve fallen down before. Once, at my own wedding. And a thousand other times.

Student 1: Stop sharing.

Teacher: My ex-husband used to tell me, “Gail, you’re too weak. Gail, you’re too clumsy. Gail, those shoes have wheels”. Put that phone away!

[ Student 2 is texting on his cell phone. ]

Student 2: Yo, I’m calling the nurse.

Teacher: You know what? This is good. Film this. Film this. [ The screen cuts to a filming of the teacher on the ground. She is looking into the camera. ] Hello, hello. How does it feel to see teacher? Teacher who used to lord over you with such power, fallen down. Knowing you could get up and kick her. You can step on her. Come on now. Take a wiz on teacher. [ The filming ends. ]

Student 3: Oh my God.

Teacher: Get up you. Spit in my hair.

Student 1: Okay. [ He stands up, but Student grabs him to stop him. ]

Student 2 & 3: Nooo!!!

Student 1: But, she said to. [ He sits back down. ]

Teacher: Look at us. The world has gone topsy-turvy, and so have we. We’re all here we’re all laughing like cats. You oughta try it, falling down. You see the world differently down here. You realize how small we all are, and how big the floor is. Alright, I’ve learned my lesson. Someone help me up. [ She reaches for help but all of the students have left the desks, and she is alone in the classroom. ] Well, they’ve left. I guess school is over. And, what, would you look at that? [ She examines the underside of her shoe. ] There’s a wheel in my shoe. What?!

[ Cut to outside the school. ]

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ]

[ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ]

[ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

[ The SNL main stage where the house band is playing. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[ Jonah Hill walks out to center stage. ]

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

[ Tina Fey walks onto stage. ]

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Jonah! [ She motions for him to take it down a notch. ]

Jonah: Right, sorry. Let’s go. You got it. [ They walk off stage together. ]

[ Cut to a door that says ‘Five Timers Club’ on it. ]

[ Jonah and Tina Fey walk through the door into the lounge. ]

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

[ Drew Barrymore and Candice Bergen are waiting in the lounge wearing Five-Timers blazers like the one Tina Fey has on. ]

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

[ Kenan Thompson walks out holding a drink. ]

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Kenan: Ha, yeah man, this is my show. I let you in here sometimes. [ He takes Candice’s empty glass and walks off stage. ]

Drew: Alright, Jonah, in honor of you we all chose our favorite sketch of yours. [ She grabs a remote and points it at the TV. ]

[ Cut to a sketch between Jonah and Cecily Strong. ]

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Candice: Uh, Kenan! [ Kenan walks back on stage with a Five-Timers jacket. ]

Drew: And you’re in luck, because, uh. We just came up with a brand new design this year. [ Kenan removes Jonah’s jacket and puts the new jacket on Jonah. ]

Jonah: Oh wow. [ The jacket is like the others but with a lot more sequins. ]

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dog Infomercial | Season 44 Episode 4

Sonja Vegamonté…..Cecily Strong

Damien Regulanté…..Jonah Hill

Ma…..Aidy Bryant

Z…..Kyle Mooney

Dana…..Kenan Thompson

[ Sonja and Damien are speaking to the camera. There are various sketches of pugs hanging on the wall behind them. ]

Sonja: Hi, I’m Sonja Vegamonté.

Damien: And I’m a domestic partner, Damien Regulanté. If you’re anything like us, you breed pugs.

Sonja: But you wish they were more handsome and refined looking. I mean, he he, look at this one. [ She is handed a pug. ] Look how ugly this one’s face is.

Damien: He knows it, too.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: He’s bald. What’s the answer? I don’t need to tell you. You know. It’s pug wigs.

Sonja: Yeah, but where do you get one? Right here, at our flagship store, Pug Wigs!

[ Cut to Damien and Sonja walking out in front of a display of various wigs on shelves. ]

Damien: Look at all of this. We got so many wigs; I get sick of it.

Sonja: When you put one of our wigs on your pug, you go from zero to ten, in a flash. Ma, bring out the first model.

[ Cut to Ma walking out holding a pug in a curly blonde wig. ]

Ma: Alright, this pug’s name is Magnolia.

Damien: Magnolia is sporting the wig from our Legends of Cinema Line.

Sonja: This is, of course, the Marilyn Monroe.

Ma: Yeah, Magnolia used to be a solid two. But with this wig, she looks like she’s ready to get mixed up in a presidential scandal. Sleeping with the President.

Sonja: Mmmhmm. He he.

Ma: Oh, hell yes. She can sleep with the President in this wig.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: Yeah, that pug is so sexy delicious now.

Sonja: Oh wow, now all the boy pugs wants to jump her bones, now even though she got nothing to give down there. Let’s go Ma, let’s go. [ She ushers Ma off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Time for more pugs. Oh, look who decided to join us, my son Z, back from the drug hotel.

[ Z walks onto the stage holding a pug wearing a wig with the classic Rachel look. ]

Z: My parents make wigs for dogs, it could’ve been way worse.

Damien: Show off your pug.

Z: Alright, this is Harriet. She’s sporting a ‘Rachel Green’ from Friends. She’s America’s sweetheart. [ He sings to the tune of Friends theme song. ] But no one told you that your pug could look this great.. [ He does the clap from the Friends theme song. ]

Damien: That is one fresh looking girl-next-door pug. Very dateable.

[ Z walks off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Next we have Denise with Humphrey.

[ Ma (Denise) walks back onto the stage holding a pug wearing a frizzy blonde wig. ]

Ma (Denise): Yes, and Humphrey is rockin’ an Ed Sheeran wig. Look how contemporary he looks.

Damien: [ He sings to the tune of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. ] He’s in love with the shape of his pug wig… And next is my wonderful partner, Sonja [ Ma walks off stage with the pug. ] accompanied by Olive. Yes.

[ Sonja walks back on stage with a pug wearing a messy light brunette wig. ]

Sonja: Yes, she is feeling her confidence in this Tina Turner wig. From our Vintage Diva Line. Wow, look at the height in this.

Sonja and Damien: [ They sing together. ] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…?

Damien: I’ll tell you what, everything.

Sonja: Okay, we have so much more, like [ Cut to a pug wearing a short black wig. The screen reads ‘Liza Minnelli.’ ] Liza Minnelli.

Damien: Troye Sivan. [ Cut to a pug wearing a combed over the white-haired wig. The screen reads ‘Troye Sivan.’ ]

Sonja: Larry David. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is only on the sides of his head in grey and white. The screen reads ‘Larry David.’ ]

Damien: A Wall Street type. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is dark grey comb-over. The screen reads ‘Wall Street Type.’ ]

Sonja: Hip-hop. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is a brunette flat-top afro. The screen reads ‘Hip Hop.’ ]

Damien: Post Malone. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is curly short brown hair. The screen reads ‘Post Malone.’ ]

Sonja: And, Lady Diana. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is blonde and side swept. The screen reads ‘Lady Diana.’ ] Awwww.

Damien: This is a legit business people.

Sonja: Yeah, it’s not a front for anything, so.

Damien: And make sure to check out our sister store. Dana, tell them about it.

[ Dana walks to holding two pugs wearing beard wigs. ]

Dana: My pleasure. If your boy pugs want facial hair, bring them by my shop, Dana Simpson’s Boy Pug Beard and Goatee. Frederick is rocking a ZZ Top and Tex here is looking crazy handsome in a brand new Wolf Blitzer. [ He walks off stage with the pugs. ]

Damien: Thanks, Dana. So come to Pug Wigs, just pugs and wigs for their bald heads.

Sonja: Yeah, so Ma. Take us out with a song.

[ Music starts to play, and Ma comes back on stage. ]

Ma: You got a fugly pug? Put a rug on that pug. [ She scats. ] Pug Wigs.

 

KCR News | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Tina Shepard…..Leslie Jones

Blake Boyhair…..Kenan Thompson

Drew Mellencamp…..Cecily Strong

Matt…..Jonah Hill

Terry…..Aidy Bryant

[ KCR News intro. ]

Announcer: You’re watching KCR News on KCR 1. And now, back to Albany’s favorite news team. Tina Shepard and Blake Boyhair.

[ Cut to KCR news desk where Tina and Blake are sitting and chuckling. ]

Blake: Oh, welcome back, folks. Tina and I are laughing because she drew a very realistic penis right on the desk.

Tina: He dared me. He dared me.

Blake: Actually, I asked you not to do it. [ Tina is laughing hysterically. ] Anyway, let’s go to Drew Mellencamp with the weather. Drew, what’s up?

[ Cut to Drew. ]

Drew: Hey guys. Get this. So, I was running late as usual. I was driving here, and out of nowhere, I hit somebody.

Tina: What?!

Blake: Are they okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The car’s a Volvo. The thing’s a freakin’ tank. Yeah, yeah, it’s all good. But unfortunately, I do have some bad news. It looks like that cold front is heading our way.

Tina & Blake: Drew!

Tina: How could you?

Blake: Don’t do that to us!

Drew: Sorry guys. It’s not getting any warmer anytime soon.

[ Matt walks onto the stage next to Drew holding a bouquet. ]

Matt: I think, I have just the thing to warm things up.

Drew: What? Matt, why are you at my work?

Tina: [ She looks shocked. ] Is this…?

Blake: I think it is. [ He looks excited. ] I hope I don’t cry.

Tina: I hope you don’t either.

Matt: Baby, I know I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. I know I don’t have a job at the moment, or for the past two years. But none of this matters, because being with you the past six months.

Drew: Three months.

Matt: It’s six, baby.

Drew: No, it’s three. Because we were not exclusive the first three.

Matt: You were not, I was. The point is, you’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. So, I have one thing to ask you…

Drew: My answer is no.

Matt: You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.

Drew: No, I do. And you promised you wouldn’t, so don’t…

Matt: Here we go, I know you’re scared.

Drew: Stop.

Matt: So that’s why [ He gets down on one knee and presents her with the bouquet. ]

Stop.

Matt: I had to spring it

Drew: Stand up.

Matt: on you baby.

Drew: No-oh. I’m gonna do the weather now. [ She walks away from Matt who is kneeled before her. She walks away and in front of a green screen which is displaying the 5-Day Forecast. ] So. Weather. That cold front from Canada hits us on.. [ Hip-hop music begins to play. ] What is this music? This better not be music for a rap.

[ Matt walks up to Drew, and since he is wearing a green shirt his body disappears in front of the green screen. He is only a head and a hand holding the bouquet. ]

Matt: [ He begins to rap. ] I have a forecast for the rest of my life. Partly happy, with a chance of man and wife.

Blake: Oh no, he chose to wear green.

Tina: And he’s in front of the green screen. He just looks like a floating head.

Matt: So Drew, what you gonna do? Say yes. What you gonna do?

Drew: Oh, Matt. [ She does not look pleased. ]

Matt: Baby, look at the screen. Look what it says. [ The words ‘MARY ME’ appear on the screen below Drew and Matt. ]

Drew: Matt, you spelled marry wrong.

Matt: What do you mean?

Drew: You spelled it like the name.

Matt: I was in a rush. I was excited.

Drew: Matt, you promised not to do this. Especially on TV, at my job.

Matt: I know, but it’s called crossing your fingers, dummy. And I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a great idea. Your mom, Terry, is totally on board.

Drew: Terry? Are you talking about my birth mother who’s in jail?

Matt: Not since Friday!

[ Terry walks onto the stage between Drew and Matt. She is wearing a dirty sweatshirt. ]

Terry: Hey sweetie. How’s it going?

Drew: You’re not allowed to have…

Terry: Nah, let me have a hug.

Drew: No, you can’t have any contact.

Terry: Come on. Could I have four hundred bux?

Drew: No!

Terry: Alright, well then good luck being married to this bitch. [ Terry walks off the stage. ]

Matt: I can’t wait. Come on, baby. I’m just a guy, standing here on Wednesday, asking my favorite weather gal to marry him. So what do you say?

Drew: No, Matt. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna push through with the weather. So, I’m sorry. I’m’… So, as you can see it’s mostly cloudy and cool at the beginning of the week. Damn it, Matt. Matt, wait!

[ Drew runs away from the green screen to the front of the news desk, where Tina and Blake are sitting, greeting Matt. ]

Drew: Yes! Yes, you big dummy. Of course, I’ll marry you. The reason I didn’t want you to ask me on air, was because I wanted to ask you on air.

Matt: Are you serious?

Drew: Umm, does this look serious? Guys, come out. [ Tina and Blake stand up. They are wearing shirts that read, ‘He Said YES.’ Dancers waltz out behind the newscasters. ]

Matt: Oh my God. Are they about to sing? [ Music is playing, ‘Colors of the Wind.’ ]

Drew: You’re favorite song, ‘Colors of the Wind,’ from Pocahontas. Yes.

Blake: [ He begins to sing and red balloons fall from the ceiling. ] Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Matt: You did all this for me?

Blake: Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?

Drew: Of course, why else wouldn’t I just say yes immediately?

Blake: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?

Tina: Up next, police searching for a female driver of a Volvo suspected in a hit-and-run. But isn’t this beautiful?

Blake: Can you paint with all the colors…

[ Cut to KCR News Albany outro. ]