Category: 2018

Claire Foy | Season 44 Episode 7

[Band playing music on Saturday Night Live stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen—Claire Foy.

[The door opens. Claire Foy walks to the stage.][Cut to audience cheering][Cut to Claire Foy]

Claire Foy: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s such an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Or as we call it in England, Sunday Morning. It’s wonderful to be here in New York because England is in little bit of a crisis with the whole Brexit thing. But how are things going here, they’re good?

It’s actually a relief to be in a country that is more chaotic than Britain. It’s sort of like when you’re at a party and you’re drunk and you see someone who’s much drunker than you are. I feel so lucky to be here, I really do. Especially since I’m not from here. I am a foreigner. And I know, but please don’t panic, I promise I’m only here taking the jobs that Americans don’t want. For example in the film I did “First Man” I had to play Ryan Gosling’s wife. Because nobody else wanted to do it so I had to.

Most people know me from my role in “The crown”, as Queen Elizabeth II. [Cheers and applause] One of the questions-– one of the questions I get asked the most is whether I have ever actually met the queen. And the truth is, I have. This is a real story. I was invited to an event at Buckingham palace, the real one. And I was waiting in line to meet the queen. And a million questions are running through my mind. What will the queen say to me? How will I respond? And then it happened, I shook the queen’s hand and she smiled at me and she said, absolutely nothing about “The crown”. Not a single word. Of course, this was three years before I did “The crown”, but still.

I have been fortunate to portray many strong women of history, and I’m so glad we have even more women getting involved in politics, even more women getting elected and even more women leading our countries. [Cheers and applause] So hopefully I can get even more roles. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Anderson Paak is here. So stick around. Because we’ll be right back!

Charlie’s Grandparents | Season 44 Episode 7

Charlie Bucket… Claire Foy

Mom… Kate McKinnon

Grandma Josephine… Heidi Gardner

Grandpa Joe…Pete Davidson

Grandpa George… Kyle Mooney

Grandma Georgina… Aidy Bryant

[AMC intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching AMC, where “X-Men” is a Christmas movie. We now return to the 1971 classic, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to small cottage house at night] [Cut to inside the house. Grandma Josephine, Grandpa Joe, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina in the same bed and mom is speaking to them]

Mom: Is your supper okay grandma Josephine?

Grandma Josephine: Warm water with Lumps, my favorite.

Mom: We also have bread. And for dessert, the memory of bread.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Are we really this poor?

Mom: [Cut to Mom, Grandma Josephine, and Grandpa Joe]

Well, grandpa Joe, our last name is bucket, and four of you have no working legs. But look at Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. You guys need anything?

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they grunt]

[Cut to Mom, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina]

Mom: Okay, I’m pretty worried about you two.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. Charlie enters the room from the door]

Charlie: Hi, everyone! Charlie!

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Grandma Josephine: How was work, Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie and mom]

Charlie: Boss let me out early. I only had to work 14 hours. Here’s the money I made, mother. [Charlie passes one coin]

Mom: Oh, no, you save that for yourself, Charlie. Off, and buy a Wonka Bar. Now get to sleep. Cause you got to be back to work in two hours.

Charlie: Okay, good night, Grandpa Joe, Grandma Josephine.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Good night, Charlie. Good night Josephine. [Grandpa Joe kisses Grandma Josephine gently]

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Charlie: Good night Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina.

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they just grunt. They first kiss gently. Then they start kissing more and not stop]

Mother, [Cut to Charlie, Mom, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina] are grandpa George and grandma Georgina okay?

Mom: Well, they’re just saying their good nights, Charlie. Now, why don’t you go over there, and stir that combination of cabbage and shirts until you fall asleep.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandma Josephine: Okay, actually I’m a little worried about how they’re saying good night, and how long it’s going on for.

[Cut to everybody in the room. Grandpa George takes off his pants from the bed and throws it]

Grandpa Joe: Karen, I think we have a problem here.

Mom: Ignore it, Grandpa Joe. It will pass.

Grandpa Joe: There’s four of us in this bed.

[Cut to Charlie and Karen. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start moaning]

Charlie: Mother, what are grandpa George and grandma Georgina doing?

Mom: Well, they’re just stretching, Charlie. Their bones are very old. Now come over here and look out the window, and not at them while I sing you a song.

My darling cheer up Charlie

[Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start grunting and moaning. The bed is shaking]

give me a smile what happened to that smile is used to know.

Grandpa Joe: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. The bed is shaking. Grandpa George’s foot is on Granpa Joe’s face]

No! Oh, God! Hey, should you and I—

Grandma Josephine: you can’t and I won’t! Oh!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine.

Grandma Josephine: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh God! Oh my god, I’m feeling everything!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Let the sunshine show.

Grandma Josephine:  [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh, my god, I have to get out of here!

Narrator: “Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory,” brought to you by Cialis.

[Cut to old hut house shaking at night]

Post Announces Sour Patch Kids Cereal – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Colin Jost reporting the news. A picture of cereal in the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Post cereal has announced that they will be making a new sour patch kids’ flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot because the left foot was taken by diabetes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of globe focusing Ireland on the top right corner] Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim that they saw an unidentified flying object but keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer. [The picture on the top right changes to a breathalyzer] [The picture on the top right corner changes to chocolate] A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolates, and they’re gonna get sued because ruby chocolate is my drag name.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Walt Disney Park on the top left corner] Walt Disney World removed a man from the park as he waves a Trump 20-20 banner on splash mountain. The man also demanded to separate the ‘It’s a small world kids’ from their families. And ironically, the man had snuck into the park through Epcot’s Mexico pavilion.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of annual calendar for taxi drivers on the top right corner] The annual New York city taxi calendar has been released featuring pictures of topless cap drivers. A calendar of Uber drivers [The picture on the top right corner changes to a car window with ‘Uber’ tag inside] is available on the sex offender registry.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of two women sign on the top left corner.] A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby’s embryo in their wombs. It was a totally equal effort, said the one who didn’t have to give birth. [Michael Che laughs] [The picture on the top left corner changes to a picture of candies] British police are asking a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter’s candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.

LaVar Ball on LeBron James’ Criticism – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Michael Che on news set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is one month old, and one of the biggest stories is the Los Angeles Lakers, who are off to a slow start. Here to talk about it is the father of Lakers point guard Lonzo Ball, Lavar Ball.

Lavar Ball: [Lavar slides on a chair into the screen] All right. What’s up Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Lavar Ball: How are you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible.

Michael Che: You’ve been outspoken about your son Lonzo playing more minutes. How is he doing?

Lavar Ball: Amazing! [Cut to Lavar] He ain’t no rookie no more. Now it’s his time, his team, he’s the king of L.A. Standing reservations at Spago. Best friends with Jack Nicholson. And he was just named Best New Starlet at the adult video awards. Never lost. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]

Michael Che: Well, I heard rumors that LeBron James thinks you’re a distraction and doesn’t want you around the team.

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Man! Don’t you tell me about no LeBron James! Me and LeBron are best friends, BFF-esses, picnics in the park, brunch on Sundays, always from a respectable 500 feet away. Would I never violate the restraining order, never with the violations?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] I mean even with LeBron, the Lakers are still off to a slow start. Do you think they need maybe more experience?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Hell no! What they need is a great coach, and I’ve got the perfect choice, me!

Michael Che: You?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That’s right. I would be an incredible coach, man. [Cut to Lavar] The first thing I’m going to do is make some personnel changes. Yeah, we’re going to be unstoppable with the starting lineup of LeBron, my older son Lonzo, my middle boy Liangelo, my youngest Lamelo, and my other son who was recently rescued from the matrix, Lemorpheous. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]

Michael Che: Now, your actual sons Liangelo and Lamelo just spent a year playing in Lithuania on a team you created.

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right, The Big Baller League.

Michael Che: How did they handle it?

Lavar Ball: What?

Michael Che: How did they handle?

Lavar Ball: Oh, [Cut to Lavar] they loved it. They could be rich teenagers in L.A., but instead, they were in lovely town of Villous, living the big baller lifestyle. Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi for lunch, and for dinner the burneyest cabbage dessert of Bucharest. It will run right through you like the China’s Huji river.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That sounds rough, man.

Lavar Ball: Oh you jealous? That we be ballin out every day. We just signed [Cut to Lavar] a Lucrative three-figure deal with the biggest video game console in all of Lithuania, the PlayStation 2 and the baller just had their grand finale game against the London Lions in Britain’s number one sport venue.

Michael Che: Wembley Stadium?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] No, the Cover Box Arena in Stratford. This week, basketball. Next week, a production of “Sweeney Todd.”

Michael Che: That’s a long way from coaching the Lakers.

Lavar Ball: How dare you? [Cut to Lavar] My son owns that team. He owns the city. And he also owns the patent to the only sneaker that tracks your genealogy. Introducing the 23-SO3Es.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] Track your genealogy, how does that even work?

Lavar Ball: Easy. You just get your grand mama to fill the shoe up with spit and in five to eight weeks will tell you her heritage with up to 14% accuracy. Never fully sure. Never fully sure.

Michael Che: Lavar Ball everybody. Weekend Update, Michael Che.

Amazon Opens New York Headquarters – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]

Michael Che: What’s up everyone?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.”  I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.

Voter Fraud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 6

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Marcia Fudge … Leslie Jones

[Ingraham Angle news intro]

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set] Thank you and hello again. I’m Laura Ingraham, and you’re watching ‘The Ingraham Angle’ which re-airs on Telemundo as ‘La Madre Del Diablo.’ Later in the program celebrities in California are whining about some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under constant attack from the rain. And we’ll have a tribute to Thanks Giving, the one day of a year when your all right uncle can really shine. But first, let’s talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed Democrats to literally steal the election. Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the Republican party, but doesn’t it feel more true that all Hispanics voted twice? You can’t dismiss that idea simply because it isn’t true and sounds insane. In fact, let’s add that to our list of feel facts [Cut to Picture graph on Feel Facts] which aren’t technically facts, but they just feel true. Like, Latinos can have a baby every three months. Santa is Jesus’s dad. If the earth is so warm then why are my feet cold? Blackface is a compliment. If you have less than five guns, you’re a gay.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is Pulitzer Prize eligible judge Jenine Pirro.

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] I hate them, Laura!

Laura: Who?

Jenine: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen] I’m sorry. That’s my vocal warm up.

Laura: Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you uncovered?

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order to vote multiple times. For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta. [Cut to Picture of a Black male] Then he went into his car and changed into this woman. [Cut to Same black male dressed as a woman] And [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling “Hellur.”

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen]Very disturbing.

Jenine: And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call stacking where multiple children will stack on top of each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Laura: Wow, fantastic journalism Janine.

Jenine: Duh!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors, the few remaining businesses that are willing to be associated with me. Starting with Fashion Catheters. Got poor control but great style. Fashion Catheters. Now with genuine Swarovski Crystals, ouch! And is your dog still not baptized? Then order Reverend Whitaker’s home dog baptism kit. Because all dogs don’t go to heaven unless they’re properly baptized. And of course, Undersea Airlines. Need to get into the ocean fast? This airline will make sure it happens. The only planes that start on fire. And only want the healthy part of the egg? Try Whites Only. It’s egg whites, and it’s just for us.

Alright, my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates. Please welcome Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] Hey Laura. It’s great to be here. Smile, two, three, four.

Laura: Mark, are you comfortable? [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Why are you holding your arms like that?

Mark: Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Mark, what about the story that Facebook hired the same PR firm that did a vicious smear camping against billionaire George Soros seen here in the Fox News photo. [Cut to Picture of a creature from a Netflix show] Did you know that[Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] they were behind that campaign?

Mark: Absolutely not, Laura. Blink twice and eyeballs. [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] The idea we knowingly employed a horrible company makes me laugh, ha, ha, ha.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Good job. People say my laugh is chilling. And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become more transparent?

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] I can’t be any more transparent. Have you seen my skin? Ha, ha, ha. If I were more transparent, I would be clear. Seriously, I kid. I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money. What? Ha, ha, dab, dab.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] Yikes for that. Thank you, Mark. [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Democrats will soon be deciding who’s going to be the speaker of the house. Here to comment is diverse Congresswoman from Ohio. Please welcome representative Marcia Fudge.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Hi, Laura. I’m sorry. Did you refer to me as diverse?

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Probably not. Now, Congresswoman fudge, you’re challenging Nancy Pelosi for speaker of the house. Why do you think Nancy Pelosi has to go?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Nancy Pelosi is tainted. For years the GOP has used her name against us. But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me, a middle-aged black woman named Fudge.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Funny. And do you think Nancy Pelosi, seen here in the recent documentary about her, “The nun,” [Cut to Poster picture of the movie ‘The Nun’] do you think she’ll give up the chance to be speaker of the house?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Look, I love Nancy Pelosi, and I’m not saying she’s old, but her baby sister is a redwood tree. When she started her title was ‘Speaker Of the Cave.’ Somebody give me a microphone. That bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said, “The first girl!” She just calls the old testament, the testament. She’s so old; her birthstone is Rosetta!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Okay. I think we understand, Marcia.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Okay. I’m done. And the other reason I should be speaker is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Uh-oh. The phrase ‘mobilize the black vote’ has set off our fire, Fox News ‘The country is changing’ alarms. Marcia, what do you think of that?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] I think that you’re lucky we in a remote interview because if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of you.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Well, alright, let’s take a break and hear from our sponsors. Like Teeny Tiny Turkey. Have you alienated everyone in your life? Have thanksgiving for one with the Teeny Tiny Turkey. We swear it ain’t a pigeon. And Cash for Organs. You don’t need all those organs. Plus, Volkswagen: You know why. And finally, it’s White Chess where all the pieces are white, and everybody wins. When we come back, part two of my interview with the self-proclaimed vape god, a real person I had on my show.

Vape God: [Cut to Pete Davidson as a Vape god] Y’all what up. I’m ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] And you’re not trolling me, right? You’re a real expert on E-cig laws?

Vape God: Oh for sure. I got that swag. I got that drip.

Laura: And our producers have fully vetted you? Because we bumped Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to speak with you.

Vape God: [Cut to Vape God speaking] Then you made the right choice. My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] This is great! Now, finally, a Millennial who’s speaking my language. Much more with that gentleman. When we return.

Vape God: I’ll have my dong out.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] I can’t wait. It sounds goo and live from New York; it’s Saturday Night.

 

Steve Carell Returns to SNL Monologue

Audience….Kenan Thompson, Ellie Kemper, Ed Helms, Jenna Fisher, Nancy Carell (wife), Annie Carell (daughter), Johnny  Carell (son)

[Band playing music on the stage.]

Darrel Hammond (Announcer): Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Carell.

[Steve walks to the stage][Applause and cheers]

Steve: Hi, thank you very much. Thank you. Hello, I am so excited to be here tonight. It is my third time hosting “SNL” and thank you. It’s been a while. It’s been 10 years, and I have been pretty busy doing movies. I actually have one coming out really soon.

Woman from the audience: Steve, [Cut to a woman from the audience standing and asking question] hey, can I ask a question?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Yeah, okay. Guess we’re doing questions. Sure.

Woman from the audience: [Cut to the woman from the audience] First of all, big fan. I love all of your movies.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Oh, thank you.

Woman from the audience: [Cut to the woman from the audience] My question is, will you ever reboot “The Office”?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] No, actually, I don’t think so. It was a great experience. I love all of those people, but I just don’t think it’s the best idea. I think maybe we should just leave it alone. Okay. Next question. [Cut to the audience. Kenan also from the audience smiling and raising his hand to ask the question] Oh, yeah.

Kenan: Hey, Steve.

Steve: Hey. Are you [Cut to Kenan, nodding his head] Kenan or are you playing a fake audience member?

Kenan: I am Kenan. Believe me, dude, if I was acting, you would know it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I also think you should reboot “The Office.”

Steve: Thanks, Okay. You know what, it would be like if someone wanted you to reboot “Kenan and Kel.” Right? [Cut to Kenan thinking]

Kenan: That would be an honor. [Cheers and applause]

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Fine. No, I get that. Just I don’t think it would be as good this time around. But thank you for that. Next question.

Ellie: [Cut to Ellie talking from the audience] Yes, hi Steve.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Oh, Hi! Ellie Kemper. [Cut to Ellie] Wow, Hi!

Ellie: Hi. People would really love to see an “Office” reboot. Yes. Especially me. I need that money. Let’s get that money, Steve!

Steve: [Cut to Steve] I’m sorry, Ellie, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

Ellie: [Cut to Ellie] You’re a jerk. [Ellie sits down]

Steve: Okay.

Ed: [Cut to Ed in the audience] Hey, Steve.

Steve: Hey, Ed Helms. Hi. Wow! Ed Helms.

Ed: It’s so great to see you.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] It’s great to see you too.

Ed: [Cut to Ed] Yes, so, I just don’t think you understand just how much money we’re talking about. Like, you wouldn’t have to do all of those sad movies anymore.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] I don’t do those movies for money, I like doing them.

Woman from the audience: [Cut to the woman from the audience] Yeah, but you could all make some serious money.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Okay. You’re an audience member; this isn’t about you. And Ed, why don’t we just have a party instead? We can all catch up, get together. NO cameras, just friends?

Ed: [Cut to Ed] Oh we already do that. We just don’t invite you.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Okay. Wow, all right. Thanks, man.

Jenna: Steve. [Cut to Jenna in the audience]

Steve: Jenna!

Jenna: Steve, do you remember the last words that Pam secretly whispered to Michael as she left for Denver?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Not really.

Jenna: [Cut to Jenna] Okay. She said, “Steve, don’t be a dick, do the Reboot.”

Steve: [Cut to Steve] I don’t remember that at all.

Jenna: [Cut to Jenna] Well I do. Don’t you want to see what Pam and Jeff are up to these days?

Steve: [Cut to Steve] It’s Pam and Jim.

Jenna: [Cut to Jenna] Who cares? Why are you getting hung up on the details? Let’s just do the damn thing.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] No, Jenna, please I just don’t want—

Nancy: Honey, [Steve is searching for the speaker] [Cut to Nancy] honey.

Steve: Oh, it’s my wife, Nancy, and my kids. [Cut to Steve] Hi, guy! [Cut to Annie and Johnny and Nancy] Annie and Johnny and Nancy, say hi.

Nancy: Hi. We think you should probably do the show.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Honey, I just don’t want to spend that much time away from you guys.

Nancy: [Cut to Annie and Johnny and Nancy] Well, we don’t really need you to hand around anymore, right, kids? We’re good.

Steve: Are you serious? [Cut to Steve]

Nancy: [Cut to Annie and Johnny and Nancy] Yeah, we’re fine. No problem. Hey, you guys want to go? Let’s go.

Steve: [Cut to Steve] Where are you– Are you not even going to watch the show?

Nancy: No, see you later.

Steve: Okay, all right. Well, thanks. Feels like everybody wants this to happen. Do you guys want to see an “Office” Reboot? Is that what’s–

[Crowd cheering “Yes”]

Come on up on stage. [SNL members coming up on the stage] All right. No, no, not you. You’re not a part of this. All right, I’m proud to announce officially that we have a great show Tonight! Ella Mai is here. Stick around, and we’ll be right back!

Space Thanksgiving | Season 44 Episode 6

Ruler TA (Tate) of Klurds…Kenan Thompson

Tutrisha (TA’s Daughter)…Melissa Villaseñor

Kern….Pete Davidson

Earth space travelers….Steve Carell, Beck Bennet, Cecily Strong, Leslie Jones

[Starting with a shot of outer space station]

Beck: Will the aliens be joining us for our [four astronauts getting ready for thanksgiving dinner] thanksgiving feast?

Cecily: Oh, you mean the Klergs? Yeah.

Captain: Good, I look forward to sampling some of the products here on Argos-9. [Cut to Linda and Captain]

Linda: I love exotic foods.

Captain: Oh, look, it’s the Klergs. [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall, the Klergs are entering from the door with food]

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Greetings, people of earth. I am ruler TA, short for Tank.

Tutrisha: Father, should I offer them the kern?

TA: Yes, Tutrisha, [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] offer them other kern.

Captain: Kern, what is cern?

Linda: Oh, it looks like out corn [Cut to Linda and Beck] but its purple.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Yes, our Kern is much like your corn. It has lots of tiny, delicious cornels on it.

Captain: [Cut to Captain] Oh, you mean Kernels?

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] No, your corn has kernels, but our kern has cornels.

Cecily: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] What a small fascinating universe.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] It is customary for visitor to partake of our kern.

Tutrisha: It’s for good fortune.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] I guess this is the famous Klerg hospitality we’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty cornels of kern. [Captain takes a bite]

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] No, don’t eat me! This hurts me!

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] Is it kern talking?

Cecily: Is it alive [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] right now?

TA: No, these are just the kern sounds.

Tutrisha: The sound the kern makes.

Linda: [Cut to Linda and Beck] It’s delicious, y’all!

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Ow, the pain lady! Please stop eating me!

Captain: [Cut to Linda and Beck] Linda, stop eating the kern.

Linda: Just one more bite.

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] This hurts like hell. Stop.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] Linda, please it may be conscious!

Linda: Sorry, it reminds me of my earth picnics, of eating corn on the cob.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] You mean kern on the curb?

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] I want to try to communicate with it.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Why? It has no errs to herr. [Referring as to ‘ears to hear’]

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Please, let me try. Hello, [Cut to Captain, Linda and Cecelia] can you hear me? Are you okay?

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Help us. The Klergs are trying to destroy our race. We can’t run from him because we don’t have the lergs okay? Lergs!

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Excuse us TA, I need to speak to my crew. [Cut to humans whispering] The kern said it has no lergs to run from the klergs.

Beck: TA told us it’s customary to eat the cornels from the kern.

Cecily: But actually we’re helping the klergs wipe out the kern.

Linda: What do we do?

Captain: Follow me lead. I have a plan. Ruler TA.

TA: More kern, captain?

Captain: Oh, [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Hell yes. [Cut to humans] Who cares about some kern. Let’s enjoy this thanksgiving.

TA: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Oh, well tomorrow I will show you around the planot.

Linda: Captain, this kern is crazy delicious!

Kern: Hey bitch! I said stop. [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Bitch I said stop. : [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall]

Beck: It’s good, right?

TA: Bye bye.

Beck: Is it good?

Captain: Let’s all eat! Everyone, let’s eat the kern! [Cut to the shot of outer space station]

 

Space Station Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 6

Captain Ed McGovern….Steve Carell

Lieutenant Becker….Leslie Jones

Lieutenant Sussman….Mikey Day

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut)….Ego Nwodim

Teacher Hailey (Tillman Middle School, Wyoming)….Aidy Bryant

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio)….Alex Moffat

Frozen Astronaut…Kate McKinnon

[Intro of NASA Television]

Captain Ed McGovern: [Cut to Sussman, Becker, and Ed] Hello, earthlings and happy space day. Captain Ed McGovern broadcasting live from the international space station to over 5,000 K through 8 science classrooms across the U.S.A. As I am joined by Lieutenant Sussman and Becker.

Lieutenant Sussman: Hi.

Lieutenant Becker: Hey!

Captain Ed McGovern: There’s also some Russian cosmonauts on board. It’s a party up here. Get back to work, bums.

Lieutenant Sussman: Okay. Bye-bye. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: I can’t wait to answer some of your questions about space and science. Let’s start with Paulson Middle School in Connecticut.

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut): [A student appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, what kind of experiments are you doing up there?

Captain Ed McGovern: Great question. We are actually studying how animals adapt to space, and we have funny monkey friends up here helping us out. Thanks for your question, star student. Okay, next. [Sound of a blast] God, mother of god. Oh, what happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman comes in the screen] Sorry about that.

Captain Ed McGovern: What happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: There was an airlock breach in the bio lab. Got a little chilly in there but everything is fine now.

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Sussman: What’s up?

Captain Ed McGovern: Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker comes in the screen] I need you right now.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yep. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: Well, I Apollo-gize about that. Let’s get back to questions. How about Tillman Middle School in Laramie, Wyoming.

Teacher Hailey: [Hailey appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, this is Haley like the comet and like Eminem’s daughter. Um, how big is the space station?

Captain Ed McGovern: That is a great question. It’s about 32,000 square feet. Down this way, there is a long corridor [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] that winds into several works and living stations. [Sussman takes away the monkey] It’s kind of like a floating hamster habitat. Thanks, Haley, make sure that you comet to your studies. Now, let’s go to Orchard Middle School in Ohio.

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio): [Teacher appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, I’m a teacher. My students and I wanted to ask how you guys make food up there, but we’d like to change our question too, is that frozen monkey okay?

Captain Ed McGovern: What monkey? [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] Oh. OH! This little guy, it’s Capooka. What are you doing? Yikes, he is cold! Wave hello, to everyone. [Ed tries to wave monkey’s hand but the hand breaks] Oh my god! Oh, god! No, no, no, no. [Sussman takes away that monkey] Okay, goodbye. Capooka! Teacher’s out there if you can mute your classroom TV for just a sec while I attend to some space business, that would be great. So, hit mute now. Sussman, what’s going on with the monkeys?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman stands into the screen] Yes, they all froze.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, Ki Chi?

Lieutenant Sussman: Yeah, Ki Chi hit a wall and shattered.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, and the cat?

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, the cat is weird. The pressure change caused its face to kind of like suck into itself. Good news is though; he’s alive.

Captain Ed McGovern: That’s not good news! There’s a cat with no face floating around! How bad is it down there?

Lieutenant Sussman: Come, look. [Ed and Sussman go down][Cat with the face looking like a butt hole floats into the screen]

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears on the screen] Cat ain’t got no damn face. [Becker leaves]

Lieutenant Sussman: [Ed and Sussman come again] So what do you want me to do?

Captain Ed McGovern: Just go seal off node three and try to find Svetlana.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yes, sir. [Sussman leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, god! Be aware of your feet, please. Your shoes touched my mouth. Okay. Welcome back. Hey, here’s a fun fact. We are 234 miles above the Earth’s surface. And the view isn’t half bad. Come closer here. Look at that beautiful blue marble Coldef. Isn’t that spect—[Frozon human floats outside of the space ship] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Svetlana! Oh, hey kids, don’t worry. That cosmonaut is fine. The Russians are used to being cold. Sussman, get on the crane. [Sussman comes and controls the arm of the spaceship]

Lieutenant Sussman: She’s so frozen, she might break.

Captain Ed McGovern: So don’t say that, please. Now, kids, what Lieutenant Sussman is doing is trying to give her just a little nudge back towards the hatch.

Lieutenant Sussman: If I do bring her in, it’ll be in pieces.

Captain Ed McGovern: Try harder, and please don’t say that.

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears nodding her head] I’m sorry, kids, this is a bad day for space. [Becker leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Who wants to hear a space joke? What is an astronaut’s favorite drink? A root beer float!

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, my god, she’s breaking like a saltine.

Captain Ed McGovern: Will you cut the god damn feed!

RV Life | Season 44 Episode 6

Dad….Steve Carell

Mom….Heidi Gardner

Son….Mikey Day

Daughter….Aidy Bryant

 

[There’s a place full of RV vans]

Dad: Honey, I just heard [Cut to husband and wife inside an RV van] the kids pull up.

Mom: Oh, my babies!

Dad: Hey, there they are! [Kids open the door and dad welcomes them in] You found us!

Daughter: Dad. Mom.

Dad: How are you?

Son: Good to see you. [Kids are getting in very uncomfortably] How are you?

Daughter: Wow, mom and dad. [dad and mom sit on the seat while the kids stay standing]

Son: Wow, you weren’t kidding. [Cut to the kids looking around] This is definitely an RV.

Daughter: Yeah, yeah. They’re all so similar, we found you by your license plate, ex-banker.

Mom:  [Cut to dad and mom] Yeah, ex-banker. Ex-interior designer.

Dad: Current RVers. It’s hard to believe.

Mom: Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

Dad: Six months ago, I came home, and I told your mom, I don’t want to work anymore and she said okay.

Son: [Cut to the kids] You were cool with that, mom?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies with squeaky voice] Oh, yeah, I love it.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Really?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies with more squeaky voice] Yeah. Yeah.

Dad: You know, it’s so freeing to purge your possessions. You know, it just feels great.

Mom: [Mom talking in squeaky voice] Yeah. Oh, yeah. I- I- I love it.

Dad: She loves it. She loves it so much I almost so much I forget whose idea it was.

Mom: It was yours.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Yeah, dad. You really look like you’re in your element.

Dad: [Cut to dad and mom] Oh, I sure am. Today I jogged butt naked around the lake: just socks and crocs, real man stuff.

Son: [Cut to the kids] And you’re having fun, mom?

Mom: : [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies looking the other way] Oh, sure. Yes. I love it.

Son: Mom, can- can you [Cut to the kids] look at us when you say that?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies facing the kids but closing her eyes] I love it.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Okay. Can you open your eyes when you say it?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling] I love it. I just love sitting back here.

Daughter: Oh, you don’t sit up front?

Dad: No, no, no. [Cut to the kids looking around being confused] That’s where lady gray sits.

Son: [Cut to dad and mom] Who is lady gray?

Dad: Well, the love of our life. Our great dane, lady gray. [Cut to everybody in the RV van] [Dad opens the door, and the dog comes in] Lady gray, come on in here! Come on in here lady gray!

Daughter: Jesus!

Dad: Oh!

Mom: That’s a good girl. Yeah.

Dad: Lady gray sits up front because she gets carsick back here.

Mom: I get carsick too, but I love it. [Cut to dad and mom] Come here, lady gray! [Cut to everybody in the RV van] [Mom goes up to the dog to play with her] Hi, girl. Hi! Did you know a dog can punch you? [Cut to dad and mom]

Son: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] Where does the dog sleep?

Dad: Oh, your mom’s bed.

Mom: Yeah, and I sleep here. [Cut to mom, leaning on the table to show how she sleeps]

Daughter: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] I’m sorry, where did you get a great dane?

Dad: Well, from our new RV friend, Jibs. [Jibs opens the door and comes inside]

Jibs: I’m coming. You called me?

Mom: Well, we said your name, so yeah.

Dad: Yeah, Jibs here showed us how to work the dump station.

Jibs: Let’s just say I’m well versed. I showed my little robin egg here how to take the upper hose from the RV dump tank to the vice clamp and the community receptor tank.

Dad: Yes, well, your mom does that stuff. She likes it. It’s the only thing I really don’t like.

Son: I don’t think mom likes any of this.

Daughter: Yeah, mom, you hate dogs.

Mom: I love it. [Cut to mom caressing the dog]

Daughter: I don’t think you do.

Dad: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] Oh, she does love it, right honey?

Mom: Yeah, I love it! I love it!

Dad: [Cut to mom and dad] Honey look at me in the face. Honey–

Mom: [mom nodding her head here and there] I love it.

Dad: Look, look at me in the– look at me in the eyes.

Mom: [Mom looks dad in his eyes] This is hell! You’re awful! And I hate it! I couldn’t hate it more. It’s horrible. It’s horrible!

Dad: What are you trying to say?

Mom: I don’t love any of it.

Jibs: [Jibs comes in the middle of dad and mom] Is this a bad time to tell you all lady gray is pregnant.