Category: 2018

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Weekend Update: Trump Deploys Troops to Stop Migrant Caravan | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. President Trump announced that he would deploy more than 15,000 troops to the US-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago. They’re calling this mission to the border ‘Operation Faithful Patriot’ which sells like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘faithful patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who’s getting off way to easy in all of this? It’s Canada. I mean there’s two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get into this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses the Tim Hortons Card. Old white people have the strangest fears. I mean of all the things that should actually scare them: salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen. Why are you freaking out about Mexicans? I mean if anything you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing all your pain pills.

COLIN JOST: Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: “Things are getting better, we can’t go back.” Now, in my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is if someone feels the need to tell you things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. And I know because I read these ads when I’m trying to not make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats midterm slogan: “Oh man, are we gonna blow this again?”

MICHAEL CHE: The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like, me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctor’s don’t agree on the diagnosis, they don’t just turn to the janitor and say, ‘you wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am going to vote this time, though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again, they said that the last time. I mean it’s like getting a bill that says Final Notice, it’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, cool I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch. I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault, okay. They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not ever from here. If you really want to make a difference, go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s what counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.

COLIN JOST: Oprah Winfrey also went door-to-door in Georgia to campaign for Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams. Which is great. But can you imagine how disappointed you would be if Oprah showed up at your door and it was just to discuss politics? I mean look at this woman in Georgia opening her door for Oprah. She definitely thinks she’s getting a new car. And not a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. It’s like if you’re a kid and Santa comes down your chimney on Christmas eve, with no presents, just a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean, Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump Administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.

Weekend Update: 50 Cent and Ja Rule’s Ongoing Feud | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Rapper 50 Cent continued his longstanding feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 tickets to his most recent concert so they would all be empty. It’s just great. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly fifty-cents.

MICHAEL CHE: NBC news announced the Megyn Kelly would not be returning to the Today Show after her comments last week about black face. But don’t worry, she’s recovering with a nice relaxing trip to the spa.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal, by releasing their children.

MICHAEL CHE: Two male penguins in a same-sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or, and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.

COLIN JOST: A nun in Colombia who had lived in a convent for eight years has left the clergy to become a porn star, destroying the otherwise spotless sexual reputation of the Catholic Church. And a man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal had rested his paw on a rifle in the back seat and it slipped. Okay, but then why had the dog googled: ‘How to shoot gun’?

MICHAEL CHE: The inventor of the MetroCard died this week..while waiting for the ‘L’ train.

Weekend Update: Every Teen Girl Murder Suspect on Law & Order | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Brittainy…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Well, it’s a tough transition. The Young Adult book genre is more popular than ever. Here with her reviews of today’s hottest YA novels is ‘every teen girl murder suspect on Law & Order.’

[ Brittainy slides over in her chair to be sitting next to Colin Jost at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Uh, hey there Brittainy, how are you?

Brittainy: I don’t have to tell you anything, not until my lawyer gets here.

COLIN JOST: Oh, okay. But didn’t you say you wanted to come out and give us a book report?

Brittainy: I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.

COLIN JOST: Okay. It says here you read the book, “The Hate You Give,” and you wanted to talk to us about it.

Brittainy: Oh yeah. That’s right. I remember now. It was good. It, like, says a lot about being a teen. And the pressure. I read it with my friends. At the library. And then we went home. And went right to bed. That’s it okay.

COLIN JOST: That’s all you did?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! We went to a big alcohol party at Carrie’s boyfriend’s house. And we drank beer from a beer keg, okay! That’s all we did, was drink alcohol, and go in a hot tub, and look at Carrie’s boyfriend. That’s it.

COLIN JOST: Okay, well what about the new Marcus Zusak book?

Brittainy: Look, I don’t know any more than you do. I got to homeroom, and they told us, Logan was murdered. And you know what? I was happy. She treated me like ass. And now she’s dead. In the trunk of my car. And I have no idea how she got there.

COLIN JOST: She’s in your car?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! I shoved her in the trunk, but it wasn’t my idea, okay. Carrie said we should just put her in the trunk and drive around a little to teach her a lesson. That’s all we did.

[ Cut to Michael chewing on a toothpick. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Damnit Brittainy. I’m tired of your lies. Tell the damn truth!

Brittainy: Your partner’s crazy!

COLIN JOST: Partner? This was supposed to be about books.

Brittainy: Okay, fine!! They dared me to stab her, but just as a joke. So I stabbed her. But Logan took it the wrong way and started bleeding.

COLIN JOST: Wait. So you did kill your friend?

Brittainy: I feel so bad about it. All the terrible things I done. But I guess the worst crime of all was being a bad friend.

[ Cut to end credits of Law & Order; the screen reads: “ Executive Producer DICK WOLF”. ]

COLIN JOST: Yeah, okay, well, the worst crime was murder. Teen murderer, everyone. Thank you so much.

Brittainy: That’s it. Okay!

HuckaPM | Season 44 Episode 4

Female Voiceover…..unknown

Sarah Huckabee Sanders…..Aidy Bryant

[ Sarah is sitting up in her bed because she can’t sleep. Cut to a digital clock that reads 2:55 am. ]

Female Voiceover: Sometimes getting a good night’s sleep isn’t as easy as shutting your eyes. [ Cut back to Sarah getting out of bed. ] When the workday you had threatens to ruin the night’s sleep you want, you need something that works. [ Cut to a medicine cabinet opening. ] There’s only one over-the-counter sleep aid that answers the question, ‘How do you sleep at night?’ [ Sarah’s hand finds and grabs the bottle of ‘HuckaPM’ in the medicine cabinet. ] Its HuckaPM. The only sleep medication strong enough for [ Sarah closes the medicine cabinet holding the pill bottle and looking at herself in the mirror. ] Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

[ Cut to Sarah speaking to the camera. ]

Sarah: People are always asking me, “How do you sleep at night?” In fact, they scream it at me all day long.

[ Cut to Sarah holding a mug in her bedroom watching herself on TV. On TV she says, “The caravan is headed straight for us, and it is filled MS-13s and also chupacabras. ]

Sarah Voiceover: That’s why when I’m ready for bed [ She is standing by her bed. ]

[ Cut to Sarah talking to the camera]

Sarah: I always reach for my secret weapon.

[ Cut to Sarah opening the pill bottle and pouring one into her hand. ]

Sarah Voiceover: Just one little pill is enough to ease me into the gentlest.. [Sarah takes the pills and passes out immediately. She drops her mug and lands face first on her bed. She bounces off the bed and falls to the floor in front of the bed. ]

Female Voiceover: HuckaPM contains melatonin, extra strength quaaludes, and what Michael Jackson’s doctor called, ‘one and dones.’

[ Cut to Sarah speaking to the camera. ]

Sarah: No matter what tomorrow’s workload brings, I know it won’t keep me up at night.

[ Cut to Sarah talking on her cell phone. ]

Sarah: CNN is just ISIS spelled backwards? Sounds good to me, sir. [ Sarah hangs up her phone and takes a pill. She falls over immediately, over the banister and down the stairs. ]

[ Cut to Sarah speaking to the camera. ]

Sarah: It’s the only sleep aide I reach for.

[ Cut to Sarah at the podium speaking as the White House correspondent. ]

Sarah: Alright guys, listen up, birthright citizenship is over, and it’s the Democrats fault. So we want you to remember that. So let’s pack up those babies and get them out of here. Thank you so much. [ She walks off the stage from the podium to the backstage area and looks into the camera. She begins to speak. ] Wow, that was exhausting. [ She giggles and grabs a pill to take. ] Mmmm. That took.[ She falls over immediately crushing a table of refreshments. ]

[ Cut to an image of HuckaPM pill bottle and box. ]

Female Voiceover: HuckaPM. How do you sleep at night?

 

Caravan Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 4

Laura Ingraham…..Kate Mckinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro…..Cecily Strong

David Clarke…..Kenan Thompson

[ Intro for The Ingraham Angle on Fox News. ]

[ Cut to Laura Ingraham. ]

Laura: Good evening, I’m Laura Ingraham. And, just to quickly respond to all of my fan mail, ‘No, you’re an a-hole.’ Tonight, we’re live from the Arizona border, where a vicious caravan of dozens, maybe millions, of illegal immigrants is headed straight for you and your grandchildren. And that is not fear mongering, that is just [ Cut to an image of a scary zombie woman reaching for the viewer. A deep voice mutters ‘immigrants.’ ] the truth. Thankfully, we have a president who actually protects America. President Trump, seen her in a new official portrait, [ Cut to an image of Trump in raccoon skin hat, pasted onto a muscular shirtless body, carrying a machete knife, and wearing camouflage army pants. Behind him is painted various Mexicans in sombreros the US flag. ] has sent thousands of troops to the border to stop the caravan. Of course, the liberal media is trying to label President Trump, a racist. But except for his words and actions throughout his life, how is he racist? All of a sudden the term, “nationalist,” is bad. The word, “white,” is bad. The phrase, “white nationalist’, is bad. When I hear the phrase, ‘white nationalist”, I just think of a fun fourth of July barbecue. The kind you don’t have to call the cops on. Now let’s find out what’s really happening with this caravan. Joining me is the host of her own show here on Fox News, Judge Jeanine Pirro.

[ Cut to Jeanine Pirro. ]

Jeanine: It’s an absolute disgrace!

[ Cut to split screen interview between Laura and Jeanine. ]

Laura: What is?

Jeanine: Just whatever you’re talking about.

Laura: Now Judge Pirro, what have you heard about the caravan?

Jeanine: I haven’t just heard about it, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Take a look at this footage of the caravan from earlier today.

[ Cut to a crowd of people rushing a Walmart on a Black Friday sale event. ]

[ Cut back to the split screen interview. ]

Laura: My God. And that is real footage of the caravan?

Jeanine: It has to be real, I found it on Trutheagle.gun.

Laura: And who is in this caravan?

Jeanine: Everyone you ever seen in your nightmares, Laura. It’s got Guatemalans, Mexicans, ISIS, the Menendez Brothers, the 1990 Detroit Pistons, Thanos, and several babadooks.

Laura: And President Trump said there are Middle Eastern people as well?

Jeanine: No question, Laura. This caravan’s got hella Aladdins. They took the very common direct flight from Iran to Guatemala. They claimed their elephants as service animals and then rode them straight into Mexico. It makes almost too much sense.

Laura: And what will happen when they get here?

Jeanine: We’re in trouble, Laura. Just look at this footage of the caravan crossing into Mexico.

[ Cut to a clip from “World War Z” when the zombies start to climb over the wall, ending with a shot of Brad Pitt. ]

[ Cut back to the interview. ]

Laura: That’s truly horrifying. Was that Brad Pitt?

Jeanine: Yes, that’s right. We believe he’s actually dating the caravan, which people have labeled, ‘Bradavan.’

Laura: That’s top-notch reporting, Jeanine.

Jeanine: I know!

Laura: Now I like to take a moment to thank my sponsors. All the wonderful companies that stuck with me after I attacked the survivors of the Parkland Shooting. So big thanks to warm ice cream. Is regular ice cream to cold for your sensitive teeth? Well, let us warm it up first. And from the makers of my pillow, my hemorrhoid donut. Everyone’s hemorrhoids are unique. Shouldn’t your donut be too? And of course, White Castle. A castle for whites? Yes, please. And don’t miss my colleague Brian Kilmeade’s new book, “Andrew Jackson and the Battle for Hillary’s Emails.” It’s an inspiring story. Now as we said, thousands of troops are heading for the border. The goal is to have five armed soldiers for every one shoeless immigrant child. Trump is calling it ‘Operation Eagle with a Huge Dong.’ Here with an inside look is former Milwaukee sheriff and Trump cheerleader, David Clarke. Sheriff, how are you?

[ Cut to David Clarke. ]

David: I’m popular among my own people.

Laura: And what is your take on the caravan?

 

David: Well the situation is urgent, Laura. The caravan is only 800 miles from our border. If these immigrants walk at a normal pace of 300 miles a day, they can be here in time to vote on election day.

Laura: And are they moving that quickly?

David: Well, let’s just take a look at this aerial footage of the caravan.

[ Cut to a clip of the migration of the Red Crabs of Christmas Island. ]

[ Cut back to the interview, a split screen between Laura and David. ]

Laura: My God. And those are humans?

David: Basically, yeah. We’ve also learned that all the women in the caravan are more than nine months pregnant. And they’re holding the babies in till the exact moment when they cross the border. And then they are going to literally drop anchor. And the babies, get this, are pregnant.

Laura: Wow. And sheriff, I do have to press you on this. What are your sources?

David: Uh, the crows from Dumbo.

Laura: That checks out for me. Thank you, Sheriff Clarke. Now leading up to the midterms, there’s a lot of awful voter suppression going on. That’s why I’m proud to present a new segment called, “Fox News Tips for Black and Hispanic Voters.” I want to make sure your voices are heard, so…Tip one, never vote on Tuesdays. The crowds are the absolute worst on Tuesdays. Tip number two, ballots can be confusing. If you see an ‘R’ next to a name, that means really a Democrat. And the letter ‘D’ means, dats a Republican. And tip three, you already voted. You might not remember voting, but you did, so just relax. And those tips were brought to you by, Medical Sneakers. Jealous of your nurse’s style? Get medical sneakers. And American Jesus commemorative plates. See Jesus the way he really was [ Cut to an image of a plate with Jesus on it. Jesus is playing pool with a blonde woman in an American flag bikini. ] as an American. [ Cut back to Laura. ] Let’s take a break. When we come back, an update from disgraced former actor, Alec Baldwin, seen here molesting a young boy scout. [ Cut to an image from SNL’s 1994 skit, ‘Canteen Boy.’ Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler are in the image. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

America’s Got Talent: Wait, They’re Good? | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Howie Mandel…..Kyle Mooney

Mel B…..Ego Nwodim

Heidi Klum…..Kate McKinnon

Simon Cowell…..Beck Bennett

Stacy…..Melissa Villaseñor

Debra…..Jonah Hill

Wilderness Contestant…..Cecily Strong

Sheila…..Leslie Jones

Levander…..Kenan Thompson

[ America’s Got Talent title. ]

Announcer: America’s Got Talent!

[ Cut to AGT Judges at their desk with the AGT audience clapping behind them. ]

Mel B: Hello, my love. What’s your name, dear?

[ Cut to the AGT stage where Stacy is waiting nervously for her chance to audition. ]

Stacy: Um, Stacy. [ Nervous giggle. ] I’m so nervous. I’ve never sang in front of people, ever.

Mel B: Well, this feels like a complete waste of time. But, alright, go ahead, dear.

Stacy: [She starts singing Lady Marmalade. ] More, more, mooooorrrrrrre.

[ Cut to the judges looking surprised and entertained. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

[ Cut to the AGT audience all beginning to stand up and give a roaring standing ovation. ]

Announcer: Wasn’t that cool? You never thought it would work out, but then suddenly, it did. [ Cut to AGT logo. ] Over the years, America’s Got Talent, has had so many of these moments. [ Several surprising moments from AGT are shown as clips as the announcer speaks. ] And now, we put them into one special. ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ See the performances begin like one thing [ An elderly couple is holding hands on the audition stage. ] Then woah-oh, there’s something else. [ Cut to the elderly couple now freak dancing on the stage. ]

[ Cut to Heidi Klum at the judge’s table. ]

Heidi: Hello, tell us your name.

[ Cut to Debra on the audition stage. He is dressed like a cowboy. ]

Debra: My name’s Debra, ma’am.

Heidi: Welcome, Debra. I hear you have some music for us.

Debra: Music, ma’am?

Heidi: Music. You’ve never heard the music?

Debra: I can’t say I have.

Heidi: Wow. Well, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Debra: Thank you, ma’am. [ The music starts and Debra starts to perform, Go Go Go Joseph. ] Go, go, go Joseph. You know what they say. Hey now Joseph, you’ll make it someday. Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing just fine. You and your dreams are ahead of your time. Go, go, go.

[ Cut to the AGT audience cheering wildly and giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: You didn’t think he could sing, did you? You monster! And look at Howie Mandel. [ Cut to Howie looking overly surprised and joyous. ] It’s like he’s never seen this before. But he actually has, a lot. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’special has every moment.

[ Cut to Howie at the judges’ table. ]

Howie: So it says here that you were raised alone deep in the wilderness, like Jodie Foster’s character in that movie, “Nell”?

[ Cut to the contestant on stage in a nightgown. She is hunched over and waving her arms. ]

Wilderness Contestant: [ She speaks in a caveman like gibberish. ]

Howie: Great. We are you friends. Please. Make. Perform.

Wilderness Contestant: [ She sits on a stool and begins to sing, ‘Send in the Clowns’. ] Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? [ Cut to Heidi looking bewildered then back to the wilderness contestant. ] Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air. [ Cut to the judges looking surprised and pleased. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

Howie: What!!! This is crazy!!!

[ Cut back to the wilderness contestant. ]

Wilderness Contestant: Send in the clowns.

[ Cut to the AGT audience giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: And there goes the audience again. They genuinely didn’t see it coming. Even though they seen this guy, [ Cut to a man on stage. ] and this girl, [ Cut to a woman on stage. ] and even this. [ Cut to a dog on stage. ] And the moments just get more special. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

[ Cut to Simon at the judge’s table. ]

Simon: Oh dear, who are you?

[ Cut to Sheila on stage. She is standing next to her husband Levander who appears to be in a coma. ]

Sheila: My name is Sheila Block and this is my husband, Levander. He always wanted to audition, but he’s in a coma.

Simon: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. May I ask why did you bring him on stage?

Sheila: Well sir, I was hoping I could sing his song for him. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Simon: Certainly. It seems like something every normal person would do. Off you go.

[ The music starts for ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’. Sheila is dancing in place waiting for the cue, but instead Levander comes to life and begins to sing.]

Levander: Ain’t no mountain high. Ain’t no valley low. [ He takes off his hospital gown to reveal a sparkly outfit; Sheila also removes her dress to reveal a matching sparkly outfit. ] Ain’t no river wide enough baby. [ Cut to Howie screaming, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ then back to the couple singing on stage. ]

Sheila: If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far.

Sheila & Levander: Don’t worry baby.

Sheila: Just call my name. I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry. [ Two dancers start dancing behind the singing couple. ]

Sheila & Levander: ‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, babe.

[ Cut to the judges looking shocked and happy. Heidi is raising her hand. ]

[ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

Announcer: The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ Special. This Sunday at nine.

Benihana | Season 44 Episode 4

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill

Miss Lilly…..Leslie Jones

Tony…..Kenan Thompson

Jake…..Mikey Day

Waitress…..Kate McKinnon

Chef Gayle…..Heidi Gardner

[ Outside of a Benihana restaurant. ]

[ Cut to inside the Benihana Restaurant. Adam and Miss Lilly are seated at a teppan table with two other gentlemen, Jake and Tony. ]

Adam: Good evening fellas. Is this seat taken?

Tony: Um, no.

Adam: It’s a pleasure to join you both. My name is Adam Grossman, and I’m six years young. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] And this is my very lovely and very single nanny, Miss Lilly. And she must be from Jamaica because she’s makin’ me go to bed at eight tonight! But I understand the decision; I’m six! [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Hi. And I’m not from Jamaica.

Jake: Well, it’s very nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Jake, and this is Tony.

Adam: Well, well, well. There’s two of them Lil. I like your chances tonight. As for me, it looks like I’ll be spending another evening with my right hand and a sock. What, I’m making a sock pocket! I’m six years old. [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Let’s just calm down, Adam.

Adam: I’m only joking. Sheesh. Talk about a wet blankie; I love you to death. But sometimes you’re about as fun as apple slices for dessert. I’m kidding. She’s good people. We spend a lot of time together since my parents ivorced-day.

Tony: Oh, I’m sorry.

Adam: No! Don’t feel bad for me. I’m getting every kid’s dream. Two Chanukahs!

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?

Adam: A cup of joe for me, sweetheart, please. And I like my coffee like I like my nannies, black and bitter. I’m kidding. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I’ll take my fruit punch, neat. Always get your drink neat here, they try to load you up on the ice so they can bone you on the punch. It’s a racket.

Miss Lilly: I’ll have a glass of wine, please.

Waitress: You bet.

Adam: Okay, so I guess I’m driving home. I’m joking. Everything’s irie mon, drink all the red stripe you want.

Miss Lilly: I am not from Jamaica.

Adam: [ He starts to sing. ] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dep. You’re giving me nothing here. It feels like pulling teeth without a string. How about some Chef tricks? That’ll lighten the mood. Where’s Sooshin?

[ Chef Gayle walks over to the teppan table which is covered with shrimps. She has two spatulas in her hands. ]

Chef Gayle: Hey, I’m sorry little guy. Sooshin’s not working tonight. Dude got fired for stealing beef. [ She knocks a shrimp on the ground. ] But, Gayle has got you covered. [ She tosses a shrimp at Jake with her spatula, he tries to catch it with his mouth, but it flies straight over his head. ]

[ Jake and Tony lightly clap, Miss Lilly joins in. ]

Adam: Woof. No offense, Gayle. But I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that there is a Santa Claus and he wants nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll have to settle for small talk, so you two fellas celebrating something?

Tony: Well, actually, yes.

Jake: We both just got engaged.

Adam: Oh, mazel! Here’s some marriage advice for ya. Don’t do it!!! I’m kidding; I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] So what do I know? You’re both obviously a lot older than me. What are you, 11, 12?

Tony: I’m 37.

Adam: Wow, so I guess my next question is, what was Moses really like? I’m teasing! Hey, at least you’re not as old as Lilly here. You know her social security number is two!

Miss Lilly: Lord, help me. Help me.

Adam: No, really. Lilly is so old that in history class she just wrote down what she was doing.

Miss Lilly: Okay, Adam. Let’s just let the nice men enjoy their dinner, okay?

Adam: [ He sings really loud. ] One Love!!!! I’m kidding. Anyway, mazel on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll both marry two very lovely women. L’chaim.

Tony: Well, actually, we’re getting married to each other.

Adam: Okay. Record scratch. You’re doing what now?

Miss Lilly: I’m sorry, he’s probably just a little confused.

Adam: Ah! More like my mind is completely frickin’ blown! Two buddies getting married to each other, that’s genius! Wait till Eli here’s about this. He’s my best friend. We’ve been playdatin’ for years. And I love him dearly. Look he’s 3’5”, he’s got four teeth, he’s got the stickiest hands I’ve ever seen. But what can I say, I like to fix people.

Jake: That’s so cute.

Adam: Now, I gotta ask..who proposed to who? Cause I’m a top and Eli’s a bottom.

Miss Lilly: Adam!

Adam: Woah! I meant bunk beds. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I don’t even understand that double entendre.

Tony: Okay, maybe we should explain.

Adam: Hold that thought. I want to hear everything. But unfortunately right I have to make bumps. And Lilly, your ring’s off this time, unless you gotta fish one loose again. [ Lilly takes off her ring. ]

Miss Lilly: Would you believe that I have a four-year degree?

Adam: I have no idea what that means, but [ He begins to sing. ] Redemption song!

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of Midterm Election Candidates | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Pete Davidson

[ Michael Che and Pete Davidson are sitting at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: As we said, the midterm elections are next week. Here with his first impressions of some of the candidates is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: What up? Hey Che. Um, so the midterm elections are obviously a huge deal.

MICHAEL CHE: Mmmhmm.

PETE DAVIDSON: after I had to move back with my mom, I started paying attention to them. She’s loving it. And I realized there are some really gross people running for office this year. So, here are my first impressions. Uh, this guy’s fun. Rick Scott from Florida. He looks like someone tried to whittle Bruce Willis out of a penis. Here’s a New York guy, Peter King. I actually don’t know a lot about him, except that he looks like if a cigar came to life. Uh, this guy’s kinda cool, Dan Crenshaw.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh come on, man.

PETE DAVIDSON: No, hold on. You may be surprised to hear he is a Congressional candidate from Texas and not a hitman in a porno movie. I’m sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever. Oh, here’s a Democrat, so I look fair. Gimme that, like, Cuomo guy. There he is, alright. Yeah, Cuomo. He looks like a guy that’s sleeping with your mom, but stays over night and eats breakfast with you in his boxers. And then he asks ya, ‘how the baseballs going’ and you say you don’t play baseball. And he goes, ‘Oh! Queer’.

MICHAEL CHE: That is..that is very specific.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

MICHAEL CHE: No, I see it. I see it.

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, here’s someone who really gives me the creeps. Indiana congressional candidate, Mike Pence’s brother, Greg Pence. This is a picture of him watching the episode of, ‘This Is Us’, where Jack dies. Just so you know, he’s actually running as a faith-based coserva.. [ Mumbles. ] He’s running as a..running as a..what? You never messed up at work before? ..As a faith-based conservative and not a Ken doll that spent a year in a river. Yeah, still end it.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, there you go.

PETE DAVIDSON: It still worked, it worked. And don’t get me wrong, look, I’m not insane. I know I shouldn’t be making fun of how anyone looks. I look like I make vape juice in a bathtub. I look like a Dr. Seuss character went to prison. And the last thing I will say is, I know some of you are curious about the breakup. But the truth is, it’s nobody’s business, and sometimes things just don’t work out. And that’s okay. She’s a wonderful, strong person and I genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world. Now please, go vote on Tuesday. All right?

MICHAEL CHE: Pete Davidson, everybody.

PETE DAVIDSON: I’m still in that song though.

Late Night Battle | Season 44 Episode 2

Dance Crew (Mikey Day, Ego Nwodim, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon)

Rival group (Awkwafina, Leslie Jones, Kenan Thompson)

[Starting at the street at night]

Ego Nwodim: Yo, where the hell are they?

Mikey Day: Looks like Tiny Bigs and her crew are just a bunch of no shows.

Chris Redd: Yeah man, let’s dip. Yeah.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny on nerdy outfit coming to challenge them with her two friends]Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. You guys already scurred?

Leslie: They better be. We the Tiny Big crews after all.

Fontein Jackson: And we came to slay.

Tiny: Yeah, they’re going to die tonight.

Chris Redd: Yo, why don’t you say that to my face?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] I just did dumb ass, your face was there.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] Yo, Baby Teeth, tell him the rules.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] What kind of name is baby teeth, dude?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth and Ego Nwodim] I got one baby tooth and it ain’t going nowhere.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Respect, respect.

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You know the rules, typical dance battle. We dance, you dance. We win, you go home crying.

Fontein Jackson: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie, Fontein Jackson flipping his knife] You sure about that?

Tiny: Hey, hey, hey, put that away, Fontein Jackson. We don’t need knives. We’ll slice them up with our dance moves.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You wish. Let’s get it.

[Chris Redd starts music on a boombox player and starts the dance battle, ends the dance with a Fortnite move and a dab]

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Okay, so at that level. All right. Prepare to be served.

Leslie: Yeah, get ready for this three-course meal.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, complete with Amuse-bouche!

Tiny: Let’s get that ahead.

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily, ending with a dab]

Chris Redd: Did ya’ll just bust moves to ‘the price is right’ thing?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Yeah, hell yeah we did.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, because we winners.

Leslie: Like on the game show.

Tiny: Jealous?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] I mean it made sense to me, but I’m stupid.

Mikey Day: Trying to confuse us, throw us off our game.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, Tiny Bigs is notorious for that.

Mikey Day: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We jut got to bring it. Yo, come on. Some freestyle.

[Chris Redd plays the music and carries on the dance battle]

[Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie]

Fontein Jackson: You see that Tiny?

Tiny: I did Fontein Jackson. That was what you call some weak sauce.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, like a watery ass marinara.

Leslie: Or even alfredo.

Tiny: Let’s show them how to thicken it up. Choke on this!

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily]

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd]

Ego Nwodim: Was that a wrong answer side effect at the end?

Chris Redd: It sure was, and it only punctuated how next level they are.

Baby Teeth: Guys they’re raising the bar. We got to be twice as good.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Good luck with that because we brought a secret weapon.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah. Little Bang Bang! Get down here.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Wait, Little Bang Bang?

Baby Teeth: He was a backup dancer on the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.

Little Bang Bang: Yeah! [Cut to Travis Scott as Little Bang Bang joins the team] All right. It’s time to end this. But first, I want to be clear with you all. You all corny.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Corny?

Ego Nwodim: What?

Mikey Day: Band Bang Yo!

Baby Teeth: You don’t stand a chance.

[Cut to Tiny, Little Bang Bang, Fontein Jackson, and Leslie]

Little Bang Bang: Hit it.

[Fontein Jackson plays baby music that Little Bang Bang dances to]

Leslie: How are you all going to respond to that?

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Mikey Day: Yo, how can we?

Tiny: Looks like we won. Boom! Boom!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah. That’s undeniable.

Fontein Jackson: You know what? Why don’t we all just kick it together?