Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update on Hope Hicks’s Resignation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of people who were fired or who resigned the White House jobs at left top corner.]

Okay, I have a serious question. Who still works in our government? Like, who still does an actual government job? At this point, the White House is like that dead mall in your hometown. It’s just sunglasses, kiosk and a couple of raccoons fighting in a JCPenny. Hope Hicks, president Trump’s communications director and one of his longest serving advisor said Wednesday that she plan to resign to pursue other opportunities. You know things are bad when a 29 year old with no experience, who works directly for the president of the United States thinks, “I gotta get out of this dead end job.” She’s resigning to pursue other opportunities the same way people on the Titanic decided they wanted to start seeing other boats.

[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

It was also reported this week that Jared Kushner who by the way is the only guy who makes me look ethnic, who is also stripped of his top secret security clearance this week. And at that exact moment, though he didn’t yet know why, [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Steve Bannon got his first direction in 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of President Trump at bipartisan meeting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a bipartisan meeting to discuss school safety, president Trump called for more gun control. But NRA officials are now saying that after a private meeting with the president, he has backed off that position. Oh, really? So, he was alone in a room with a bunch of gun enthusiasts and they somehow managed to change his mind. You know, that once happened to me. I once spoke out against gang violence. But then after very private meeting with the bloods on the roof of my building, I realized I disagree with myself too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a teacher at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Another solution propose that we should give guns to teachers. And I tried to seriously consider that idea. But then I remembered that I had catholic nuns as teachers growing up, and they definitely should no have guns. I mean, they were violent enough with a rulers. And of course, nuns are violent. I mean, imagine a regular teacher and how frustrated they are all the time. Now imagine that same teacher but they can never have sex. I mean, that’s why priests were always nicer than nuns. I mean, at least priests were having sex!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sports Goods logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dick’s Sporting Goods has announced that in the wake of the Florida shooting, it will immediately stop selling assault rifles. Good! [Picture changes to a man hunting in a forest] Maybe now we can stop pretending that hunting is a sport because it’s not. I’ve never seen a deer get shot, then grabbed his side and said, “Ah! Good game!” You can’t just make terrorizing animals a sport because you like to do it. If you get caught having sex with a deer, you can’t be like, “Unhand me. I’m an athlete.” Shooting animals for fun is wrong. It’s not a sport. There are easier ways to feel strong and make your heart race. Like, smoking crack! If you hunt for food, just eat rice. You won’t need a gun if you just eat rice. You won’t need toilet paper either because you’re gonna take one scratchy dump a month.

[Picture changes to rifle and a handgun]

My point is we can’t just let anybody have an assault rifle same way we can’t just let any country have a nuke. Okay? I get the need that you wanna have gun protection but there’s a fine line between cautious and insane, alright? There’s a difference between carrying a condom in your wallet and wrapping your entire penis in a bubble wrap.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Barbara Streisand and three dogs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Barbara Streisand revealed that two of her dogs are actually clones of the third one who recently passed away. Stars, they’re just like us.

[Picture changes to marijuana leaf and Las Vegas map.]

Las Vegas airport has set up new receptacles that will allow visitors to dispose of their legal marijuana before boarding a plane. The receptacles look like this. [Picture changes to Woody Harrelson]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking March month of 2018 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: March is women’s history month because March is the only month that tells you what to do. It’s March!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. March.

Weekend Update- Willie on February

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the beginning of February which is the shortest month and often the coldest. It can be hard on your spirit, so here to cheer us up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay, Michael! Oh, man! I just love February. 28 days of fun and excitement. By the way, ground hog saw his shadow yesterday. So you know what that means?

Michael Che: What’s that, Willie?

Willie: Six more weeks of leaving your oven door open for heat.

Michael Che: That’s really dangerous, man.

Willie: Ay! President’s day is coming, Michael! That means mattress sales.

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know, last year I got a mattress for only 36.

Michael Che: Really? where?

Willie: The police auction. Oh! It’s a nice one too. When you turn on the black light, you can see all the little constellation.

Michael Che: That’s disgusting, man.

Willie: Michael! You will never guess what I did for this Black History Month.

Michael Che: Do I wanna know?

Willie: Yeah. I went and traced my ancestry.

Michael Che: That’s pretty cool, Willie. I was going to do that.

Willie: You should, Michael. It’s really easy. All you gotta do is send your full name, social security number and all your bank information to West Africa and you wait for the results.

Michael Che: Willie, that sounds like a scam.

Willie: Well, excuse me, Michael, but do you really think that the grand nephew of Prince Hakutamatata would fall for a scam?

Michael Che: Nah! I guess he wouldn’t, man.

Willie: You know, it’s like my ancestors used to always say back in the village. You had us a free boat trip!

Michael Che: Whoa! Whoa! Willie, Willie, how is this supposed to make anybody feel better about February?

Willie: Well, what about Valentine’s day, Michael? Don’t you have somebody special to spend it with?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: That’s alright. I’m a little embarrassed to say this but I bought one of those super realistic sex dolls off the internet.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yup. I caved. Got a great deal on it too. She looks so realistic. Long white hair, long sharp nails, skin cold to the touching.

Michael Che: Oh, no.

Willie: Limbs, stiff as a board. As soon as I unzipped that big black bag and saw her wide eye staring back at me, I knew I was going to be in the house all night.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Willie: Michael, it’s like they always say, “Sex dolls don’t have toe tags, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, super realistic, huh?

Willie: Yeah.

Michael Che: So, Willie, you’re gonna watch Super Bowl?

Willie: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna watch the Puppy Bowl instead. Yeah. My old dog Lucias used to be a coach.

Michael Che: Your dog Lucias coached the Puppy Bowl?

Willie: Yeah. He sure did. Old Lucias taught those puppies how to run really fast. And then he jumped on top of them and pinned their shoulders down to teach them how to tackle. And then he put his paw over their mouths to teach em’ how to keep quiet.

Michael Che: No, no, man.

Willie: It’s like they always say, Michael, “Your dog is a puppy molester, Willie!”

Michael Che: Alright! My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Filming a Commercial

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow. And as always, there’s a lot of excitement about the ads. Here to talk about his recent experience making an ad is our own, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hey.

Pete Davidson: Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: I’m great. Um, so Pete, you shot a commercial recently, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. A few months ago, I shot a Dockers commercial because things in my career are going exactly how I want them to go. No, I’m just playing. Dockers are great. I wear them all the time. They’re dope. It’s like they say, they’re comfy and they’re clean. They’re Dockers.

Colin Jost: Great work there. We got it. Nice. [Pete Davidson winks] Seamless plus. Great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. For sure. The premise of the campaign was I had to go out on the streets of San Francisco and get people to take their pants off and trade them for a pair of Dockers. But what was crazy was we shot the campaign like, a month before all the Weinstein, Spacey sexual harassment stuff happened. So, like, every week more and more articles are coming out about like, these monsters and in between those articles are ads of me out on the street like, “Hey lady, you wanna take your pants off? I’m Pete Davidson.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, not an ideal timing.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I was out there like, forever. Nobody would listen to me. I felt like Al Gore trying to tell people about global warming. Miami’s not gonna exist soon, by the way. Did you know what?

[silence]

See? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

[laughter]

Colin Jost: Anyway, the Dockers ad.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. So, after hours and hours, I finally got a guy to stop. And I was like, “Oh, thank god. We’ll have like, one good interview.” And I was like, “What’s up, man? What’s your name? Where are you from?” He’s like, “I’m Steve. I’m from Oakland.” I was like, “Oh! What brings you to San Francisco, Steve?” He goes, “My daughter.” And I said, “Oh, wow! That’s sweet, man. What are you? Like, visiting her college or something?” And he says, “No. She’s in the hospital.” And I was like, “Oh, my god. Is everything gonna be okay?” And he says, “I hope so. She has cancer.” And I was like, “Would you like to take your pants off and trade them in for a pair of Dockers?”

Colin Jost: Wow! That was good.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. That’s the commercial.

Colin Jost: That’s a great– Also, by the way, what happened to your hand? [pointing at Pete Davidson’s hand. He has a bandage on his right hand.]

Pete Davidson: Oh. I punched a door. It’s a really good story. You see, like, I have mental problems. [silence] That’s the story.

Colin Jost: That’s the story. Yeah. Great.

Pete Davidson: No, but it has been a learning experience. You know? I got really good at doing things with my left hand, if you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: No, no, no. I’ve always been close with the right. But the left’s really had a chance to shine.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Pete Davidson: You know. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt and Tom Brady sub did.

Colin Jost: Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you’re talking about.

Pete Davidson: I learned how to masturbate with my left hand.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: [pointing at his left hand] The GOAT!

Weekend Update- Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve

Colin Jost

Brigitte Bardot…Kate McKinnon

Catherine Deneuve… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Nearly, 100 female activists and actresses in France have signed a letter saying that the #metoo movement has gone too far. Here to explain their controversial views are two legendary French actresses, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve slide in. Brigitte Bardot is holding a cigarette and Catherine Deneuve is holding a glass of wine in their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine Deneuve: Alu-alu-alu.

Brigitte Bardot: Yes!

Catherine Deneuve: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. Don’t be nervous being around two beautiful women. You know, we can still have some fun. We will not discourage you from being a man.

Brigitte Bardot: A man is man. And woman is a woman. If they are not, they are homos.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, Brigitte, come on! No, no, no, no. We were having fun. Let them get to know you first.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, it’s okay.

Catherine Deneuve: Yeah, yeah. She’s 83 years.

Colin Jost: Oh, she’s 83?

Brigitte Bardot: What did you say?

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, I said you are a legend. Brigitte Bardot.

[They kiss each other’s cheeks.]

Great!

Colin Jost: That’s great. Well, it’s an honor to have both of you here. What is your main complaint about the #metoo movement?

Catherine Deneuve: Look, look. [Brigitte Bardot is staring at something away] It’s important in France to question, to debate. To challenge popular opinion. For me, I just– I don’t want romance to die. But, if I went to far, hurting a woman, that was absolutely not my intention. You understand?

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah, of course.

Brigitte Bardot: And me, I stand by everything I have said. And I will double down. Free Harvey Weinstein!

Catherine Deneuve: Oh!

Brigitte Bardot: This is a real man.

Catherine Deneuve: No, no, no, no. Come on. That’s not what this is. No, no, no. Look, look. I think what we both think, it’s women have a beautiful body, yeah? Men have a beautiful body. Why can’t we have the freedom to explore and enjoy? What is more French than that? You know?

Colin Jost: Okay.

Brigitte Bardot: Why does a woman have breasts? This is for a man to grab and pull. “Come with me. Come with me.”

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, no.

Brigitte Bardot: A door has a knob. A woman has two knobs.

Catherine Deneuve: It’s not. No. Oh! This woman. You know, I’m beginning to think i should not have aligned myself with her. Ah! You know, what can I say? I’m impulsive. I could kiss you now, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh! No, we can’t. We’re on the news.

Catherine Deneuve: Well.

Brigitte Bardot: Well, he is homo. I told you.

Catherine Deneuve: Brigitte, come on!

Brigitte Bardot: No! No! You know, I love homo. My only friends are you and birds and homo.

Catherine Deneuve: Come on, baby. So many of the things. This woman says a problematic. Brigitte! We are here to explain opposition. You remember?

Brigitte Bardot: I remember.

Catherine Deneuve: We talked about this.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, yeah, we are woke.

Catherine Deneuve: Yes.

Colin Jost: Right. And you guys do think that women are equal to men, right?

Catherine Deneuve: Yes, yes, yes. Women want to be equal to men, yes. But, we also want to be desire.

Brigitte Bardot: Give the female cat.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, boy. Come on.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream because she wants to be dead.

Catherine Deneuve: I told her don’t say this, man.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream! [making cat noises]

Catherine Deneuve: But she’s gonna do it.

Brigitte Bardot: And then when she is attacked, she scream even more. [making cat noise]

Catherine Deneuve: Okay. Okay. So, I think we have– we cleared it up, huh? No? So? we are both French. Brigitte is very old and very wrong. Yup!

Brigitte Bardot: You are freaking old too, bitch!

Catherine Deneuve: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, the great Brigitte.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve kiss each other’s cheeks]

Colin Jost: I was gonna say it. Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

Weekend Update on the Nunes Memo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and some papers at left top corner.]

President Trump authorized the release of a memo that claims the FBI improperly spied on his campaign despite warnings from the FBI and the Department of Justice that the memo was inaccurate. Coz if anyone’s concerned with accuracy, [Picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis] it’s Mr. 239 pounds.

[Picture changes to Devin Nunes]

This memo came from a 40 year old virgin Devin Nunes who is chairman of the House of Intelligence Committee. I gotta say, I don’t really trust this guy to untangle a vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t really trust him to untangle a pair of headphones. Now, I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and it’s pretty easy coz his shoes are velcro, but I don’t really understand how any of this is important. So, I’m just gonna treat this memo like every other memo I’ve received at work and completely ignore it. At this point, if you actually want to get my attention, the bar is set at, “Pornstar spanks president with magazine.” Also, this is a four page memo that just cherry picks information from FISA document that’s like, 50 or 60 pages long. It’s like, when you see a blurb for “Transformers 5” and it says, “It blew my mind…” when the full quote is, “It blew my mind that god allowed this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and some papers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, you know damn well Donald Trump didn’t read this memo. It’s four pages long. And the only time Donald Trump reads four pages in a row is when he’s ordering breakfast. [Picture changes to Donald Trump looking at the menu.] And to prove it, here’s an actual clip of Donald Trump explaining the memo.

[Cut to Donald Trump in a press conference]

Donald Trump: But I think it’s a disgrace what’s happening in our country. And when you look at that and you see that and so many other things what’s going on, um, lot of people should be ashamed of themselves and much worse than that.

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Listen to him stammer. He sounds like Colin when I asked him if his family ever owned slaves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at State of the Union at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Can we have this conversation off camera? President Trump gave his first State of the Union address on Tuesday and received mostly positive reviews. But that’s only because we expect so little from Trump at this point that when he behaves even remotely human, we’re all really impressed. It’s sort of like when you see a video of a rat taking a shower and you think, “Aw, look, he’s doing human stuff.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Ginsberg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg did not attend the State of the Union. Unfortunately, she was caught up in a stiff wind. [Picture changes to Ruth Ginsberg holding a flag stand while wind is carrying her away.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump entering the chamber]

As president Trump entered the chamber for the State of the Union, members of the Congressional Black Caucus remain seated in protest. [Picture changes to a group of people looking upset sitting at the chamber] They were mostly silent with an occassional, “Umgh!” Look at all these angry black faces. They look like my grandmother’s church after the choir directly came out of the closet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his tweet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also tweeted that he had the highest ratings ever for State of the Union address which, get this, wasn’t true. And this time, even FOX News fact checked on him. [Picture changes to FOX News tweet that has numbers.] You know you’re running your mouth too much when even your hype man is like, “You know, that ain’t exactly accurate though.”

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump at an interview]

So far.

Michael Che: That one’s good.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you. Then in a new interview, president Trump stated that he is not a feminist. Was he getting accused of that a lot?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a pictures of Jay-Z and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Michael Che: After Jay-Z criticized president Trump’s vulgar comments about African nations, Trump responded with, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, Black Unemployment has just been reported to be at the LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED!” [Cut to Michael Che] Yeah, but because of Obama. Not the awful jobs that you brought in. Black people ain’t trying to sling coal. Trump is just appropriating Obama’s success. It’s no different than white woman taking credit for, “Yas Queen.”

Weekend Update on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February 2018 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the start of, “Okay, but what about white history month?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Super Bowl logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, the New England Patriots will face the Philadelphia Eagles on Super Bowl 52. So whether you’re Pats fan or Eagles fan, remember, child support was due on the first.

[Picture changes to the movie “The Passion of the Christ”.]

It was reported that a sequel is in the works for the Mel Gibson movie “The Passion of the Christ.” So, get ready to see, “I still know what Jews did last summer.” You know, I refuse to see another “Passion of the Christ” movie unless Jesus has a line, “You crossed the wrong guy.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South African flag and a tap at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing]

Colin Jost: Nailed it!

Michael Che: No. [cheers and applause] Experts are saying that Cape Town, South Africa will completely run out of water on April 12. Meanwhile in the rest of the world, [Cut to a video of a mouse taking bath using soap.] [Cut to Michael Che] It’s pretty insane that a major city is about to completely run out of water in like, two months and I’m just now hearing about this. This is kind of embarrassing. I feel like I should care more about Africa. Kind of like when you run into an old friend and ask, “Hey, how’s your kid?” And she’s like, “Che, he’s your son too.”

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Molly Schuyler winning celebrating victory at right top corner.]

Michael che: Molly Schuyler has set a new world record at this year’s Wing Bowl by eating 501 wings. Breaking the previous record of 28. Molly will be using the prize money to soundproof her bathroom.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a peacock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines prevented a passenger from bringing an emotional support peacock on a cross country flight because the only emotional support bird they should allow on a plane is Grey Goose. [Picture changes to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.] Also, when has a bird ever put anyone at ease? Let alone in a confined space. No one’s ever used the phrase, “Oh good, a bird’s inside.”

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Oscar nominations were announced this week. Here with award’s predictions is a star of her own YouTube channel ‘Bailey At The Movies’, please welcome teen film critic, Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: [awkwardly] Um, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing, Bailey? So, we’re glad to have you. I’m a big fan of your YouTube channel.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. I didn’t realize that you knew, like, everything about me. Alright. Michael Che is my stalker. Ha-ha. I’m just kidding. I know that you’re not. Not. Sorry.

[Bailey Gismert is acting very awkward]

Michael Che: So, Bailey, let’s hear your thoughts about this year’s Oscar movies.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, thirsty? Okay, Shape of water was like– I don’t know. It was like, weird. It was just like so weird.

Michael Che: Yeah. I guess it was kind of out there. Um, what else did you see?

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, um, I saw ‘Three Billboards’.  It’s weird too. I don’t know. But, lady put up the billboards and I was like, “Okay, random.”

Michael Che: Okay. Well, you know what’s getting a lot of buzz is “Call Me By Your Name.”

Bailey Gismert: [smiling] Stop. [laughing and blushing] Stop.

Michael Che: Okay.

Bailey Gismert: I actually liked that one a lot. That was really good.

Michael Che: You did? What about Armie Hammer? You like Hammer?

Bailey Gismert: [giggling] Stop it. Oh, my god. Yes, I liked him. I didn’t like him, like him. I just like, thought he was goo in it.

Michael Che: It looks like you might have a little crush on him.

Bailey Gismert: No! Oh, my god. I never said that. Just because I’m friends with a lot of guys doesn’t mean I like him. Like, I try. I do. I try to be friends with girls. And I get along with guys better.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Bailey Gismert: [shaky voice] And if Armie Hammer sees this, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: Oh, hey, sorry Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not up– [Bailey Gismert slowly wipes away her tears] I’m not upset. [sobbing] I’m just like, really dealing with a lot. And like, I know you guys only have to this show once a week. But I’m like, so stressed every night. With like, the play or yearbook. Like, I have to bowl with my dad. I had mono like, the whole year. And that’s why I didn’t even get to go on the French trip to cut back.

Michael Che: Look, Bailey. You did a great job. We’re all really proud of you. Honestly.

Bailey Gismert: [smiling] Okay, cool. Then if you like this and you like my reviews, then click the button below to like and subscribe.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live television.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, random. What even is that?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Ladybird sucks. Directors should be mad.

Michael Che: Whoa! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on End of Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at left top corner.]

Well, Monday, Chuck Schumer saw his shadow which means we have three more weeks of government. The shutdown is temporarily over until February 8. So, that means, these guys have 12 days left to solve all of immigration. I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even trust them to get out of an escape room in 12 days. Also, Schumer only agreed to this temporary deal because Mitch McConnell promised to finally address the issue of Dhaka. But trusting Mitch McConnell to keep a promise is like trusting Stevie Wonder to perform a briss.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Schumer said that before his meeting with president Trump on immigration reform, he insisted that White House advisor [Picture changes to Steven Miller] Steven Miller not be allowed in the room. But Miller usually scatters away whenever someone turns the lights on. Coz he looks like a roach. Steven Miller looks like he has a sex doll name ‘Mother.’ Doesn’t he look like the guy in ‘Ghost’ that yells, “Get off my train.” [Picture changes to Steven Miller and Vincent Schiavelli from ‘Ghost’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump

Colin Jost: President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So, he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation. It’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a Keig stand. My concern at this point is that Trump tries to obstruct justice so often and so publicly that he doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. I mean, no one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Coz, at this point, it’s just what he does. Also, like the Hamburglar, Trump is basically a Hamburglar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump’s lawyer Ty Cobb had to tell the president that the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean calm him down? You shouldn’t have to do that to a president. That’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. “Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.” I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever tried to press door close on somebody in an elevator but they make it anyway? And now you got to talk to Colin about white golfers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At the world economic forum in Davos, Switzerland, Trump was asked if he tried to fire Mueller. And this was Trump’s defense.

[Cut to Colin Jost walking. The media is asking him questions.]

Press: Did you try to fire Robert Mueller?

Donald Trump: [holding his hand up to his mouth as he’s whispering] Fake news, folks. Fake news.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why are you holding up your hand like that? It doesn’t work if you’re talking on full volume into a television camera. I think he probably saw all word leaders whispering like this whenever he entered a room. And he just thought it was like a cool European thing. He also probably thinks that [Colin Jost circles his index finger around his head side. Normally used to say ‘crazy’.] this means, “This guy has got a great idea.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Paul Kagame]

While in Davos, Trump also met with the president of Rwanda just a week after Trump used the vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and hold him not to scratch the finish.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI and republicans’ elephant logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut right to the black guy. Republicans have begun blaming a secret society with in FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And you know what? I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me because he constantly reaffirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense. Like, “The media is lying. The FBI is trying to do me like they did Tupac.” And I’m like, “They did kill Tupac, didn’t they?”