Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Betsy DeVos

Colin Jost

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was under fire this week after a disastrous 60 minute interview. Here to clarify her points is Betsy DeVos.

[Betsy DeVos slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Thank you. Hello, the audience. Hello, the man.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah, well, thank you so much for coming. So, Betsy, what happened with that interview?

Betsy DeVos: Well, I think the problem is that the words that were coming out of my mouth were bad. And that is because they came from my brain.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, tonight, we can give you another chance. Like, what are your thoughts about public schools versus charter schools?

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, I don’t like to think of things in terms of school. That it should be up to the states. In Wyoming, for example, which has many potential grizzlies, there should be a school for bears. And in Louisiana, crocodile crossing guards. And in North Carolina, stop being trans and that’s what’s best for them.

Colin Jost: Okay. You might now be the most protested member of Trump’s cabinet. Why do you think that is?

Betsy DeVos: You know, I think it’s because I do not do a good job. And I can’t because I don’t know how.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, that’s– yeah. Well, recently people have also been criticizing your position on guns in school.

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, and again I think that the states should choose how they protect their schools based on their circumstances. For example, if two home alone style bandits want to rob a school, that school should have the option of red hot doorknobs or a paint can that swings down a staircase. You know, that’s good school’s good choice. So, whatever they choose, we are working hard to ensure that all schools are safe learning environments for guns.

Colin Jost: Can I just ask you something? Do you like your job?

Betsy DeVos: No, I do not. I do spend most of it getting screamed at while climbing into an escalate. But I do like visiting good school and doing worksheets with cute little blacks and the occasional stinky poor white.

Colin Jost: Stinky poor white

Betsy DeVos: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Secretary DeVos, do you really want to say that on TV?

Betsy DeVos: Oh! I did a fudge. Oh! Look, I may not be very good on camera. But behind the scenes, my ideas are much worse.

Colin Jost: Betsy DeVos, everyone.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of students walking at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was national walkout day. Sorry, that’s a wrong picture. [Picture changes to Donald Trump Jr. and Vanessa Trump] Oh, there it is. Vanessa Trump– [Colin Jost laughing hard] You know what we do here, right? Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from her husband Donald Trump Jr. It’s a tough break but I’m sure he’ll take it on the no chin.

[Picture changes to Houston Astros team]

President Trump welcomed the World Series champions, Houston Astros to the White House which is weird because baseball is the one industry where immigrants actually are taking our jobs.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Houston Astros were even nice enough to give Trump a jersey with his approval rating on the back. [His jersey has number 17 on it]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walmart logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Walmart has filed a patent for a robot bees that could be used to pollinate crops like real bees. Which leads me to ask, what is Walmart now? It’s a department store that became a grocery store and a fire arms dealer and now they’re just building an army of robot bees? I miss the good old days when Walmart was just a place where I saw my third grade teacher punch a greetor on Black Friday.

[Picture changes to strawberry skittles freeze and Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Taco Bell is selling a strawberry skittles freeze made with skittles candy. You know, Mexican food. Just like Mi Abuella used to make.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Chaos in the White House

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The flurry of staff resignations have led many to say that the Trump White House is in chaos. Here to comment are his first sons, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin. Eric, what do you say?

Eric: Please, make yourself at home.

Donald Trump Jr.: Close, bud, but that’s what you say when someone visits you. Okay.

Colin Jost: So, what are you guys been up to since we saw you last?

Donald Trump Jr.: What we do best. [Eric is copying Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures] Taking the Trump Organization to new heights. I took a trip to India which is an incredibly poor country where I’m hoping to make a lot of money.

Eric: I saw Paddington too.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s really great. Now, what do you have to say to the claim that the White House is now in chaos?

Donald Trump Jr.: I know it’s played out, Colin. But fake news. I mean, you know our father has a little nickname for you members of the elitist liberal media.

Eric: God damn, Jews!

Donald Trump Jr.: No! No! Eric! Eric, that was awful. Bud, no. That was a bad one, bud. [Colin Jost laughing] You know, these stories you’ve heard are complete fabrications. Our father has everything completely under control. In fact, Colin, we spoke to our father right before we came out here and he said–

Eric: [interrupting] Stop bringing Eric on TV with you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, he did say that. But he also said, “Just be honest.” That’s what’s so ridiculous about the claims of this adult film star. [Eric does the holding breasts hand gesture.] She and my father never had relationship.

Eric: They just wrestled in bed.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a book] You wanna read your book, buddy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: New one. [Eric is looking at the book] And as far as this chaos, Colin, staff turnover is good. [Eric is just reading the book’s cover] Eric, don’t just read the cover, buddy. It’s a book. Look, it’s a pop-up book.

[Donald Trump Jr. opens the book. Flowers pop out of the book. Eric gets scared.]

No. Don’t be scared, bud. It’s supposed to do that. Buddy, it’s a pop-up book.

Eric: Pop-pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Pop-up. Pop-up.

Eric: Pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: We’ll put it on a flashcard, bud. It’s okay. Just read. [Eric is still scared] It’s okay. It’s not gonna hurt you, buddy. [to Colin Jost] As I was saying, Colin, turnover is a good thing.

[Eric turns the page looking scared. But as the page turns and a house pops up, he is very excited.]

I see. it’s fun to read, right? What’s that word?

Eric: Ssss.

Donald Trump Jr.: She. [to Colin Jost] Things are running smoothly. There is no chaos. And my father is in complete control. Now, we have to run. We have a big day tomorrow.

Eric: We’re going Good Will Hunting.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, bud. It’s Big Game Hunting. Big Game Hunting.

Eric: Matt Damon’s still gonna be there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Matt Damon was never gonna be there.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Third Winter Storm

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The eastern seaboard was slammed by two massive winter storms in seven days canceling thousands of flights and leaving millions without power. Now, third storm may be on the way. Here to explain is Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her Weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Thank you Mi-ka-kel. You got that right. We’re looking at not one, not two but two big biggies. Some are the biggest bids we’ve seen in quite a times. Absolutely dump after dump. Wow!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, it’s simple. Windy winds are coming out of your north and your east, pushing it way down into that major cold cohooting. Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah what?

Dawn Lazarus: What?

Michael Che: You sounded like you had more to say.

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Is something wrong, Dawn? Only about half of what you’re saying makes sense.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: It’s live TV and its a bit nervous, okay? Cameras will make that mouth go poop.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. What can you tell us about why there’s been so many storms?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. What a wow it’s been out in that side. This year’s got temps in this simple dipits. Why? Global warming. We treat that earth like a big bitch. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it seems like storms are becoming more common. Do you have any tips for how to prepare or–?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Um. De- bet ya. First of, be sure to keep it safety. And hey, if you gotta go car on those icy roads, slowing it right down will be the bib pop of deal, nakay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. Nakay. So, are you able to tell us whether there’s gonna be another storm?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus. She is facing backwards.]

Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus turns around]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Is there another storm on the way?

Dawn Lazarus: Shoe don’t know.

Michael Che: Okay. Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

Dawn Lazarus: Thank it.

Michael Che: Thank it? For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Dawn Lazarus: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Kim Jong-un Meeting with Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]

In a stunning turn of events, North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever is president in May. Trump will be the first sitting US president to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it’s also going to be the first time where both translators start every sentence with, “Okay, so what I think he said was…” I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance and we’re putting in our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman’s LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts warn that the talk between Trump and Kim Jong-Un could be risky, because, well, duh! Best case scenario, they’ll realize they’re both crazy and become best friends like their movie “Step Brothers.” But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he’s just twitter crazy and Kim Jong-Un is crazy crazy. And there’s a big old difference. One guy trolls Oprah online and the other guy murdered his uncle with a cannon. This could end up being the greatest episode of Scared Straight ever! What do you think Trump’s gonna say at dinner when they tell them he is eating disrespectful limo driver?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in this week’s presidential porno recap, Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen who is definitely a candidate for friend of the year said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a pornstar? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another pornstar and was like, “She is pretty cute too”, and Cohen’s like, “Dude, I’m gonna lose my house.”

I think it’s also fitting that the story about the president having an affair with a pornstar is struggling to hold our attention. Because the news now has become like porn. We’re desensitized. These days news wise we can only get excited about Asian lesbians. [Picture changes to Kim Jong-Un.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Gary Cohn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House job Economic Advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House like, I don’t know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now, 300 points sounds like a lot but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I reacted to Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they’re about to have a kid. I’m like, “Word? How you feel about that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seychelles map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in Seychelles between a Trump associate and official from United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. So, sounds innocent. At least with all these Mueller stuff, we’re learning a lot about geography. You know? I mean Trump at this point is basically Carmen Santiago. Only, he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Santiago.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump an PlayStation games at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don’t know. I grew up playing Mario Brothers but I never had the urge to curve stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played PCman all day and now he’s addicted to pills and sees ghost everywhere.

Weekend Update on International Women’s Day 2018

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s arches put upside down making it a “W” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s celebrated international women’s day by turning it’s golden arches upside down. Not to be out-done, In-N-Out Burger changed its name to “Adequate Foreplay.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a barbie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, in honor of international women’s day, barbie has released a new Amelia Earhart doll. It’s the only barbie that’s gotta be around here somewhere.

[Picture changes to gummy bears]

Three daycare workers in Chicago were arrested for giving gummy bears laced with sleep inducing melatonin to a class of two year olds. Worse, they woke them up with cocaine.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of map of West Virginia and people in strike at right top corner.]

Michael Che: West Virginia law makers reached a deal with public school teachers to end their strike and give them a 5% pay rise. Good. Nobody’s more underpaid than public school teachers. You ever see a faculty parking lot? Teachers drive cars made by companies that don’t even make cars. My dad is a public school teacher. He drives a 97 Frigidare.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bottle with a message written on it at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A family in Australia has discovered what’s believed to be the world’s oldest message in a bottle which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle aged Bernie Sanders.

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on the 2018 Winter Olympics

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Hilary Knight

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?

Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–

Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.

Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: Whatever.

Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.

Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.

Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”

Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.

Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?

Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?

Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.

[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.]

[cheers and applause]

Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!

Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.

Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.

[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.

Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Get it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.

Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.

Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: That’s right.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.

Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch!

[Leslie Jones laughing hard]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Kyle Mooney

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The Academy Awards are tomorrow. Here to break everything down is resident movie buff, Kyle Mooney.

[Kyle Mooney slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up, Mike? Oscar Sunday! Let’s do this! Yay!

Michael Che: Ah! You seem pretty excited.

Kyle Mooney: Of course, man. Everybody all dressed up. It’s going down! [loud voice] Big Mike!

Michael Che: No one calls me that.

Kyle Mooney: Ha-ha. Mike, Colin, me, the boys. But um, what’s the plan on Sunday? Where are we gonna watch the the big show?

[Colin Jost and Michael Che looks confused]

Michael Che: Oh! Actually, we don’t know yet.

Colin Jost: Don’t.

Michael Che: [awkwardly] I’m still trying to figure out what I’m gonna do. Hey, who do you got for best picture this year?

Kyle Mooney: I’ll get to that. But, what about you, Colin? Don’t you usually do like, a big Oscar party, like, every year or something?

Colin Jost: What’s that? No. Sometimes. No. I’m actually not sure yet.

Kyle Mooney: Really? Coz I thought I heard some people saying you might be doing a big thing this year. That’s not going down no more?

Colin Jost: I mean, I guess I was thinking about doing something but I don’t know if it’s really gonna come together.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. [looking disappointed] Um, coz you like– Ha-ha. Coz you like– You wouldn’t just not invite me, right?

Colin Jost: What? No. If I was doing one, you would definitely be there. You’d be invited for sure.

Kyle Mooney: Dope! Alright. Let’s just do it at my place coz Michael, you said you for sure don’t have any plans yet. Right?

Michael Che: I said that? [looks at Colin]

Colin Jost: Please don’t tell him.

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s that? No. Che and I were talking. We gotta figure something out later.

Kyle Mooney: Okay, how about we figure this out right now? So, Big Mike, what time are we thinking? Like, 10 AM start? I think my brother and his girl might roll over too. She actually might bring her boss.

Michael Che: So the group would be you, your brother, his girlfriend and her boss?

Kyle Mooney: Hell, yeah! And then, you and Colin. Since you guys don’t have plans.

Michael Che: [to Colin] We have to–

Kyle Mooney: Right?

Michael Che: [to Colin] We gotta tell him.

Kyle Mooney: Coz, I gotta be honest, I’m starting to think that maybe Colin is having a party and he’s not inviting me because you guys don’t like me. [Colin Jost and Michael Che are silent] I mean, this kind of feels like middle school where people would be fake to me because I didn’t wear named brand shoes. Is that the problem? That I don’t wear name brand shoes?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: No.

Colin Jost: It’s definitely not.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. Well, then what is it? Say it to my face. Or invite me to your party. Oh, wait! I guess the party isn’t happening anymore even though I just found this?

[Kyle Mooney shows a flyer. It’s Colin’s Big Oscar Party flyer.]

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. Kyle, I’m sorry. I’m throwing a party. It’s just that you and I are not that close and I couldn’t invite everyone. Okay? I’m sorry, man.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. And you’re positive it has nothing to do with my shoes?

[Kyle Mooney puts his shoes on the desk. It has all the branding names wrong.]

Michael Che: What is that? Beebok? [fake Reebok]

Colin Jost: Those are Beeboks Yeah. Alright, fine. It’s coz of your off brand shoes. Okay?

Kyle Mooney: They’re cheaper. They’re just as good as the real thing. I mean, hey, we only make eight bucks an hour here, right?

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Kyle Mooney: Wait! You guys make more than that?

Michael Che: Kyle Mooney, everyone!

Kyle Mooney: Ah, man!

Weekend Update- Hope Hicks

Colin Jost

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Hope Hicks shocked many in the White House this week by announcing that she is resigning. Here to explain is Hope Hicks.

[Hope Hicks slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hope Hicks: Hello. Hey.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Hope? Now, I have to say, I’m all surprised that you’re here. I feel like I’ve never heard you speak.

Hope Hicks: No you haven’t. Coz I haven’t. No, I never have. Never had to. No one has ever pressed me on it. Like, media has been so nice to me. Like, insanely nice to me.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Why do you think they have been so nice to you?

Hope Hicks: Um, well, if I had to guess, I’d say coz my hair and face are good. But you know what? Also honestly, I just like, I try to stay out of that whole arena coz like, argh! Like, argh! Communication at the White House, it’s a mess.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And your job was?

Hope Hicks: White House Communication’s Director.

Colin Jost: Right. Right.

Hope Hicks: Yeah. Anyway, you know what? Working at the White House was like going to summer camp. You know? You make all these new friends. You barely get any sleep. And then everybody leaves after eight weeks. Plus there’s tons of cute guys there. Okay? Most are like classic bad boys, you know? Just crazy haircuts and breaking the law. And they’ve all hit a girl.

Colin Jost: Wow. That’s a bad boy?

Hope Hicks: What? No. Coz they’re men. So, they’re bad men. They’re really bad men.

Colin Jost: Okay. And you’re just okay with it?

Hope Hicks: Okay with it? I was like a kid in a candy store. I was like, [looking here and there] “I think I’m gonna like it here.”

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay. Wow! That’s cool.

Hope Hicks: Yeah. Anyway, you know what? I really am gonna miss all my friends from my semester broad at the White House. [Colin Jost pulls out a paper and opens it] So, if you wouldn’t mind, I kind of want to read a statement I prepared.

Colin Jost: Oh, sure.

Hope Hicks: [music playing in the background][reading] Some people dance in our lives and quickly go. But they always leave footprints in our hearts and fingerprints on Russian documents. Oops!

Colin Jost: That was good. Good joke, yeah.

Hope Hicks: To Kellyanne. You taught me that a strong woman can run a campaign and win. And you showed me what I could turn into if I stick around too long. You’re like, the human version of those pictures of black lungs on cigarette boxes.

To Donnie. I’ll always be your Hopie, which is what you called me when you needed help coz your big red tie touch the toilet water. It was so much fun being the Trump translator. Like that woman who taught sign language to Cocoa the gorilla.

Colin Jost: Wait. What?

Hope Hicks: Yeah. Yeah. Coz, we had like, [showing how they did sign language. She is gesturing her speech.] Donald hungry. Donald Angry. Donald slorngry.

Colin Jost: Okay. What is slorngry?

Hope Hicks: Oh! That’s when he was sleepy, angry and horny. And Donnie, never forget our little inside joke. The meeting was about Russian adoption. [to Colin Jost] He’ll get that. You won’t get that.

Colin Jost: Sure. Sure. Yeah.

Hope Hicks: [sobbing] This is the hardest one. Ivanka, my BFF. You were the one who told me about this internship or job or what is it? And ever since then, it’s been like a never ending sleepover. Like, one where you wake up in the middle of the night and you open your eyes, you’re like, “Is that my friend’s dad in the doorway? Is he just like standing there and watching us? What is this?” And it was that moment just stretched out over three years. Parts, girl.

And everyone else at the Trump White House, I’ll see you guys at the reunion in 10 years. Seven with good behavior.

Colin Jost: Hope Hicks, everyone!

Hope Hicks: I owe so much money.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! I’m so sorry.

Weekend Update on Marijuana Possession Arrests

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a marijuana leaf and a handcuff at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that 86% of the people arrested in New York city for marijuana possession are black or latino. While the rest are black and latino.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of beer cans at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump has imposed a tariff on aluminum which will raise the price of beer by ¢4 per can. Which works out to a $1 million per month tax on Blake Shelton. [Picture changes to Blake Shelton]

[Picture changes to Mahatma Gandhi]

A rare letter written by Mahatma Gandhi in which he mentions Jesus Christ is being sold at auction. Gandhi’s letter reads simply, “Jesus Christ, I’m hungry.”