Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update on Oklahoma Teacher’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Oklahoma who was participating in the state wide teacher walkout was arrested for having sex with a student. Worse, she had to pay for her own supplies. [picture changes to condoms.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: For shame.

Michael Che: You’re wrong about that.

Colin Jost: A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, “Ah, I think I’m gonna like court.”

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

This week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress for a total of 10 hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why he needed a congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean, they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, “There’s no way that I clicked on a 147 ‘Dog Befriends Turtle’ pictures.” People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, “She won’t forward this to all her friends, right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman doing yoga at right top corner. There’s a baby goat beside her.]

Michael Che: A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture os Argentinian flag and marijuana leaf at right top corner. Colin Jost is looking down going through the papers. Suddenly, he looks at the camera laughing.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] I did not know it was coming back to me.

Michael Che: Slides, dude!

Colin Jost: I did not know it was coming back to me. Eight police officers in Argentina were fired after more than a ton of marijuana disappeared from a warehouse and they claimed it was eaten by mice. For reference, this is what a mouse who ate one ton of marijuana would look like. [Picture changes to Miley Cyrus wearing mouse dress.]

[Picture changes to an alarm clock.]

According to a new study, people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So, if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.

Weekend Update on Michael Cohen Raid

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Donald Trump has had a really, really tough week but you know what? I think I’m still gonna make fun of him.

[Picture changes to Michael Cohen]

The FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Authorities first became suspicious of Cohen when they found out he was the lawyer for Donald Trump. This does not look good for Trump. If being black has taught me anything, it’s that when the feds come kicking at your door, they got something. FBI raids are like when a girl goes through your phone. She is only doing it to confirm whatever she already knows.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Michael Cohen raid is being called historic. It’s amazing how we keep hearing historic in reference to things that happening during Trump’s administration and non of them are positive. Historic has become a polite way of saying, “Unbelievably terrible.” Like, “Wow, the Cleveland Browns are having another historic season. Or if you walk out of the bathroom and you say, “You better give it a minute. I just did something historic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and map of Syria at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump ordered an airstrike on Syria Friday night, so I guess we’re at war now too. Yay! These Trump stories are so random and insane, I feel like contestant on chopped. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these ingredients? I mean, I knew he was going to try to create a distraction but I thought it would be something small. Like, tweeting the N word at Tristan Thompson. I didn’t know he was going to put us in a full war. Plus, isn’t he going to jail soon? He shouldn’t be signing us up for stuff. He should be kissing us on the forehead and telling us to take care of mommy. [Picture changes to Mike Pence]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his memoir “A higher loyalty”, James Comey calls president Trump ego drive and said that he is untethered to truth. The book was co-authored by Captain Obvious.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet]

President Trump responded to the claims in Comey’s new memoir calling him a leaker and a liar. Which coincidentally is also the name of the video the Russians have.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and James Comey’s memoir at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to James Comey’s new memoir, president Trump denied allegations in the Russian dossier saying, “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I will let people pee on each other around me.” First of all, you can’t call yourself a germaphobe when you’re out there raw dogging pornstars. Also, paying hookers to pee on each other while you hang back and watch is exactly something a germaphobe would do. Sidebar, am I the only one that thinks the president being into pee-pee is, I don’t know, kind of charming? Yeah? I mean, it’s humanizing. Like, remember when we saw that video of Obama playing basketball and we were like, “Oh, wow. He’s just like us.” It’s the same thing but like, times two.

Weekend Update- Mark Zuckerberg on Cambridge Analytica

Colin Jost

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will testify before congress about Facebook’s alleged mishandling millions of users’ data. Here to comment, is Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello, Colin. Begin eye contact. [looks at Colin Jost] Two, three, and away. [looks at the camera] Nailed it.

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Wow. That was great, Mark. Thanks for being here. You know, a lot of people now are calling on you to resign from Facebook. Are you gonna step down?

Mark Zuckerberg: No way, homie.  Because according to our datasets, I don’t have to and you can’t make me. But I do recognize that Facebook has mishandled our user’s private data. And tonight, I’d like to apologize to 87 million of you. One by one. I’m sorry, Ethan Cooper of Van Nuys, California for disclosing that you frequently visit your ex girlfriend’s photo album titled Cancun 2010, specially one photo for average of 2.3 minutes.

Colin Jost: See, I think that’s the kind of info people don’t want out there. Like, why would anyone–

[Mark Zuckerberg pokes Colin Jost]

Mark Zuckerberg: Poke. Poke. Remember that feature? Poke. Poke. Ha-ha. It was flirting for cowards. Hey, remember? They made a movie about me. Yeah. It was called “Gladiator.” Hah! That’s a joke. Funny, huh Colin? Hah!

Colin Jost: Are you laughing or screaming?

Mark Zuckerberg: Absolutely, homie. Look, unlike my facial expression, Facebook is going to change.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So, users will be able to delete their data?

Mark Zuckerberg: Pfft, no.

Colin Jost: Not? Why not?

Mark Zuckerberg: Because it’s mine. You gave it to me. No backsies. And if you don’t like it, you can suck it. Hah! Hah! Hah! Hey, Colin, remember we were best friends at Harvard?

Colin Jost: No, we were not friends.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah. I remember. I was like, “I can’t steal Winklevoss’s idea.” And you were like, “Do it nerd. I dare you.”

Colin Jost: No, I did not say that.

Mark Zuckerberg: Anyway. I took your advice and now I’m rich. Dab! My point is, sure. Maybe Facebook sold out our democracy to Russian troll farms. My bad? But on the other hand, Farmville! To be honest, I feel great about Facebook’s future. I sleep easy at night upside down in my pressurized sleep egg. And sure, I still have all your photos, your memories, your unspoken thoughts and fears. But America, look me in my shark eyes when I say this, that on behalf of everyone at Facebook, I am sorry… opposite day. Hah! Hah! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Mark Zuckerberg, everyone.

Mark Zuckerberg: Dab! I’m dabbing.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of series of stories in the news this week. But here with Weekend Update’s good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, Angel.

[Angel slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, Angel, how are you?

Angel: [cracking voice] I’m doing my best.

Michael Che: Hey, you seem kind of upset.

Angel: Yeah, well, it’s the weekend. So, guess who’s gonna fight.

Michael Che: Your boyfriend?

Angel: Yeah. That’s right. Tommy is fighting.

Michael Che: Are you going?

Angel: No. I’m not going, okay? I will not be at that ring and I will not be at my house. But I will be at a house, and that house belongs to my sister because I’m taking my kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Okay, Angel. Let’s talk about some good news. Are you excited for the royal wedding?

Angel: Oh, god!

Michael Che: What did I say?

Angel: Oh, yeah. Make a Meghan Markle. You think you’re marrying a prince on a white horse? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Until my prince riding on a white stretcher, alright? Fairytale’s over. You know, I may buy most of my groceries at a gas station, but I’m a good mom to my kids. Mikey, Mickey, Pepper and my precious baby Keno.

Michael Che: You named your son Keno?

Angel: Daughter. So, if Meghan Markle decides to walk down that isle, I won’t be at that royal wedding.

Michael Che: Were you even invited?

Angel: Doesn’t matter coz I’m taking my kids to my sister’s. Did you hear? Did you hear me, Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah, I heard you.

Angel: Did Colin? Coz I want Colin in the loop.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m hearing everything you’re saying.

Michael Che: Hey, this is a fun story. So, this week a woman donated $1 million to Washington State Parks–

Angel: Oh! Washing State Parks. Yeah. Are you kidding me? You think just because you win a little prize money, suddenly everything’s gonna be okay? All the money in the world ain’t gonna change what’s coming to you. That’s right, global warming. And when climate change knocks you out, Washington State Parks, I’m not gonna be there. I’m gonna be at 555 Whiney Bulger way.

Michael Che: And that is–

Angel: My sister’s, alright? And I’d go to my brother’s but he is in prison and his wife’s a bitch.

Michael Che: Yeah. We should probably move on. Did you hear Roseanne is back?

Angel: Oh, what? What? I thought they retired that show in the 90s.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Angel: But now they’re gonna bring it back? And I’m supposed to believe that it’s different just coz Darlene’s got a gay son? No, I don’t need no fancy reboot, alright? I’m ride or die. I still watch “Fraiser” at VHS. Yeah.

Michael Che: Hey, Angel, I was just wondering. Where are your kids right now?

Angel: Oh, you sick Michael. At my sister’s.

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on New Security Measures in Parkland

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of kids wearing transparent bags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The students at Stoneman Douglas high school face new security precautions including rule requiring everyone to wear clear book bags. Is that supposed to keep guns out? Nobody comes to school with a gun and their books. When a mailman goes postal, he doesn’t also finish his route.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person spraining his ankle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the master’s tournament, golfer Tony Finau sprained his ankle while celebrating a hole in one. So, no, golfers are not athletes.

[Picture changes to Australian flag and a knife]

A man in Australia who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight ordered another drink with a knife still in his back. And then by law, he became the president of Australia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York city’s MTA had to suspend a subway train because someone smeared feces inside of a car. That sounds bad. But that’s also how amazing the subway system is in New York. You can see feces smeared inside and that still won’t be the last time you ride the subway. At most, you might switch cars. If you saw feces smeared anywhere else, you’d be like, “Well, I guess we don’t visit anymore.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whale at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that bow-head whales perform jazz-like improvisations when singing. Which explains why all the other whales hate them.

[Picture changes to a calendar and a bowl of noodles]

Wednesday was ramen noodle day but if you’re depressed enough, everyday is ramen noodle day.

Weekend Update on National Guard at Mexican Border

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of news articles at left top corner.]

Well, the national guard has been deployed to the Mexican border. Our trade war with China keeps escalating. And a pornstar says she can give a detailed description of the president’s penis. And yes, I listed those stories from least to most disturbing.

President Trump deployed the national guard to the Mexican border even though the report showed illegal border crossings are at the lowest level since 1971. It’s all part of Trump’s philosophy. “If it ain’t broke, I’ll break it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So now, Trump is sending the national guard? Not even the army? This is such a Trump move. He promises a big beautiful wall and then the wall becomes a fence. And then the fence becomes the army. And then the army becomes the national guard. Pretty soon it’s just gonna be “Beware of dog” sign.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a tyre, blood pint and salt at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump administration has also published a list of Chinese exports that could be targeted for terrorist including salt, rubber and animal blood. Which are the exact ingredients in Monster energy drink.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Twitter logo]

President Trump defended his trade policies on Twitter saying this about our trade deficit with China. [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “When you’re already $500 billion down, you can’t lose!” [Cut to Colin Jost] What kind of degenerate gamble logic is that? It can always get worse, man.  If your plane loses an engine after take off, the pilot doesn’t say, “We’re still flying to Hawaii anyway coz when you’re already one engine down, you can’t lose.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of US flag, Chinese flag and drt nuts at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Among the US products facing higher tariffs with dry nuts, something Trump administration is very familiar with. Experts say that Trump’s new tariffs will directly hurt US manufacturers. But why would Donald Trump care about what experts say? Experts also said that he couldn’t win the presidency. And that eating four bags of McDonald’s a day will kill you. But somehow there he is healthy as a fat horse. I don’t think we want to get in trade war with China though. If Canal street has taught me anything, it’s that there is nothing we have that the Chinese can’t just make themselves. I mean, that’s where i get all my Fucci from. [Picturec hanges to fake Gucci bag]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fucci? this week shade queen Donald Trump also repeatedly attacked Amazon on twitter. If I were Amazon, I would just toll him right back. I’d just constantly send the White House copies of Fire and Fury and Stormy Daniels DVDs, or things Trump really hate like vegetables.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin]

Kremlin officials are also saying that during a call last month, president Trump invited Vladimir Putin to come visit him at the White House. Worse, when Trump hung up, he accidentally said, “Love you. Bye.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels lawyer claimed that CBS edited out a clip of Daniels’ 60 minutes interview in which she described the president’s genitalia. Good. Thank you. I don’t want that image burned in my brain. Stormy is like that person who goes, “Oh, this is so gross. Taste it.” No! I believe you. Stop trying to tell us what Donald Trump’s penis is like. If I wanted to know what a 70 year old’s penis look like, I’d go down to the NBC gym.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Kevin Love

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Cleveland Cavaliers power forward Kevin Love is getting a lot of praise for an article he recently wrote about mental health. Here with his take on Love’s article is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Thanks, Colin. Thanks. I think I speak for all crazy people when I say, [screams].

Colin Jost: That was good.

Pete Davidson: It made me laugh earlier.

Colin Jost: It was good. Had a crazy feeling.

Pete Davidson: So, last week Kevin Love, one of the least hatable white guys on the planet, he opened up about a panic attack he had during a basketball game. And he said, it opened his eyes to how no one should be too proud to talk to a mental health expert if they needed. The article was commendable. It was praised. But quite frankly Colin, I didn’t care for it very much.

Colin Jost: You didn’t like it?

Pete Davidson: No, it was fine. He’s a good guy. Bla-bla-bla-bla. Whatever. It’s totally cool that like, he had a panic attack. But if you’re gonna write an article about being unstable, leave it to the big boys, alright? I’m sorry you missed your three pointer, Kev, but I’ve been in therapy since I was six years old. And I wanted to kill myself when I was eight. Tough news about your rebounds though.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. Are you like, bragging?

Pete Davidson: So what if I am? So what? I love being mentally ill. I’m so relieved, you know, that everybody knows that. Now I don’t have to hide anything. it’s amazing. if I’m like, out somewhere and I’m acting like a dick, everyone’s like, “Oh, no, he’s mentally ill.” You know? And if I’m happy, they’re like, “Aw, good for him.” But now, Kevin Love just waltzes in with his little panic attack and he just waters the whole thing down.

Colin Jost: I gotta say, Peter, it sounds like you’re jealous.

Pete Davidson: I am jealous. Like, Kevin Love is a handsome rich baseball player, okay? His uncle’s a beach boy. Alright. The worst one, but it’s still sick. He’s got it all, man. He doesn’t need my one thing, you know? Like, let me have that. Or trade me uncles. Your uncle’s out there touring, making the world the better place. When I was six, my uncle took me camping and then it started raining, and I heard thunder and I crapped my pants in the rain and then I told my uncle what I did and he punched me in the face. And then my mom told me not to tell my dad because my dad would kill him. And then my dad died like, a month later. But again, sorry about your free throw percentage.

In Kevin’s defense, he is right. No, I gotta say that so people don’t get mad. You know? I gotta pretend like I care about this guy. If you ever have a panic attack, you should see a mental health professional. No matter how minimal the episode. But just do me a favor and stay in your lane. Alright? I can’t stay on my late because I’m on a ton of Klonopin right now. Colin, are my eyes crossed?

Colin Jost: No. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I got new teeth.

Colin Jost: He got new teeth.

Weekend Update Stefon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon… Bill Hader

Shy… John Mulaney

Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stefon: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.

Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.

Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?

Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.

Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?

Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.

Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.

Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.

Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.

Michael Che: What?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.

Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?

Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.

Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.

Stefon: Please, call me by your name.

Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.

Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?

Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.

Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?

Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?

Michael Che: Sure.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?

[Shy walks in with a briefcase]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.

Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.

[Shy walks out]

Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.

Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.

[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?

Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.

Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.

Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on IHOP’s Apology

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of IHop logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The manager of IHop in Maine has apologized after a waiter asked a group of black teenagers to pay upfront for their meal, which is weird because most people who eat at IHop pay for it about two hours later. [Picture changes to toilet]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snuggie clothes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the makers of the Snuggie to pay more than $7 million in refunds over deceptive buy one get one free ads. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies.

[Picture changes to a license plate]

The winner of America’s best license plate is New Mexico’s “Chile Capital Of The World” plate. While the worst is New jersey’s “Da Fuh You Looking At?”

Weekend Update on Andrew McCabe’s Firing

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a graph at left top corner.]

This week the national unemployment rate held steady at 4% while the White House unemployment rose to all of them. [Picture changes to everybody who resigned or were fired.] The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago, could you have imagined thinking, “Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.”

[Picture changes to Andrew McCabe]

Latest victim was former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn, man. That’s cold. I men even the Joker [Picture changes to the Joker from Batman] is like, “You don’t treat people like that.” I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who is definitely going to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex

Michael Che: President Trump fired secretary of state Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from ‘The Muppets.’

[Picture changes to the White House]

Insiders are saying that more major staff shakeups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. It is kind of little too late. It’s like when those Domino’s commercial say, “Ay, Domino’s, we’re making some changes.” And you’re like, “Yeah, but just still Domino’s.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that special council Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, Trump organization is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? [Picture changes to Donald Trump working on a messy desk.] He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni father’s day card from Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels has offered to return the $130,000 that she was paid so that she can release any text, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So, this lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa and we’re just okay with that? I mean what are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? I mean he’s 63 and dumb as rock. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are logos of different news channels and papers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, by the way, can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, “Will pornstar bring down president?” “Is Mueller moving in for the kill?” Just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff. I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend. I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.