Tag: episode 4

Weekend Update Church Lady

Colin Jost

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A Catholic church in San Diego has warned parishioners that they will go to hell if they vote for democrats. Here to comment on the state of the election, it’s Church Lady.

[Church Lady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Hi. Hello, Colin. thank you for having me on your little midnight show.

Colin Jost: It’s so nice to have you.

Church Lady: What delightful job you have.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Church Lady: Instead of resting up for church, you’re staying up late making naughty jokes about Anthony’s weiner. Not quite the path of Jesus, is it?

Colin Jost: Well, I think that Jesus appreciates a good joke, doesn’t he?

Church Lady: Jesus loves a good joke. So that would leave you out of the equation, wouldn’t it, Colin?

Colin Jost: I thought we had some fun jokes, you know? They were alright.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Colin Jost: Alright. So, what are your thoughts about this election?

Church Lady: Well, it’s a tough choice we have on Tuesday, don’t we, Colin? Do we vote for a bitter female android from the 90s? Or riverboat gambler with a big tummy and an orange head?

Colin Jost: So, you have not chosen a candidate yet?

Church Lady: Jesus is not on the ballet, Colin. I suppose he’s not part of your life either, is he? Because like everyone else in Hollywood, you’re a homosexual.

[audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Why are you laughing? I’m actually not gay.

[Church Lady giggling]

Church Lady: Your’e too good, dear Jost. Colin, really. Seriously, that is so funny. Stay there. Stay in the cover, Mr. Good.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Church Lady: Colin, by my count, there are only three celebrities left who aren’t homosexual. Jim Parsons, Niel Patrick Harris and wonderful Nathan Lane.

Colin Jost: Actually, all of them are gay. Yeah, that’s–

Church Lady: Oh! News flash.

Colin Jost: Why don’t we just focus on the election? Can we stay in election?

Church Lady: Yeah, let’s just stay real micro managed right now. Focus. Tuesday. Yes. Absolutely. Who are you gonna support, Colin?

Colin Jost: Me?

Church Lady: I suppose you’re gonna write in your favorite candidate… Satan!

Colin Jost: Well…

Church Lady: I surprised you, didn’t I? I just jumped at you. Don’t make me do it again.

Colin Jost: No. I’m not voting for Satan.

Church Lady: Oh! Well, well, well. You know, you’re just a late night comic with a belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I’m not drunk.

Church Lady: Yes, you are.

Colin Jost: Maybe a little buzz.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Smoking the pot now, are we? Sucking on the devil’s cigarette. That must be why you’re not the crispiest chip in the bag.

Colin Jost: Look, is there anything out there right now that you do like?

Church Lady: West World. Yes.

Colin Jost: You like– I love that show. I’m surprised you like it.

Church Lady: What’s not to like, Colin? A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood. Too soon?

[Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It just seems like everything in the world you think is just in such a bad state.

Church Lady: You know what? You know what? I never lost hope, Colin. And what a lovely country we have here. Sometimes I look around, I think to myself, “What a wonderful world.”

Colin Jost: Oh, no. You’re not gonna sing, are you?

[music playing]

[Cut to Church Lady]

Church Lady: [singing] I see skies are blue,
red roses too
I see them bloom
for me and you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself
what a wonderful world.

Colin Jost: Church Lady, everyone.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bear at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding. There were no survivors. [Picture changes to a syringe] A group of men were criticized for dropping out of a male birth control study because of side effects like headaches, mood swings and acne. See, this is why women should be in full control of all reproductive rights. Men are not going to take birth control because pregnancy just doesn’t affect our bodies. When a woman gets pregnant, she has to decide whether or not she wants a human being to grow inside of her. Meanwhile, I get nine months to decide whether to buy a stroller or a bus ticket. It’s usually stroller. Men wouldn’t care about side effects if it did something good for us. Like, Cialis could cause blindness and you still hear horny old blind dudes ratting around the streets looking for ass. And what women would even trust a dude that keep up with birth control? I mean, if a guy is responsible enough to keep up with his birth control, he wouldn’t need it coz he’d probably make a great father.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people on marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Something to think about. This Sunday is the New York city marathon. The marathon is a great chance for foreigners to practice running for their lives. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update on the Third Presidential Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, good evening everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Well, this Wednesday was the series finale of the American Horror Story Debates. This was the calmest of the three debates and also weirdly the most hostile. It was like a Connecticut Thanksgiving. Everyone was dressed up nice. They were polite for about 30 minutes, then your uncle had a drink, your aunt mentioned abortion, and your uncle threatened to burn the house down. But I can already tell, I’m gonna miss these debates. They were just such great television. And Donald Trump might be my favorite TV character of all time. He’s like Kramer, you know? His high energy, his plans are insane and it’s only a matter of time before he shouts the N word on stage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut some meat. At the debate, Hillary called Trump the most dangerous person to run for president in modern history. Yeah, but you still only polling in 5 points better than him. So, let’s not get too cocky. Trump’s campaign is literally a full diaper. And 40% of the country is like, “Ah! At least he’s not Hillary Clinton.” Maybe people would like Hillary more if she didn’t get rid of 33,000 emails like she was Lorraine Bracco flushing coke at the end of Goodfellas. Don’t pretend that that’s not suspicious. The only reason anybody would even have 33,000 emails is because they keep all their emails and getting rid of all of them in one time is like going to a Hoarder’s apartment and it’s suddenly empty and smells like bleach, and they’re like, “What 33,000 cats? I don’t know.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the debate, Trump said that the women accusing him of sexual assault are just looking for “their 10minutes of fame’. But the expression is of the 15 minutes of fame. Trump is so cheap, he is lowballing them on their minutes of fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump also restated that nobody respects women more than he does. Nobody? What about other women? What about Rupaul? Now, he respects women. That dude squeezes a size 12 foot in a pumps to leto just as a tribute everyday. Maybe Trump thinks nobody respects women more than him because all his closest friends are Mike Tyson, Roger Ailes and Gary Busey. Yeah, compared to them, Donald Trump is Tina Fey, I guess.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump also refused to say if he would accept the results of the election if he loses. And this is what he had to say.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Keep us in suspense. It’s like he is still hosting a reality show. And I’ll tell you, if I’m going to tear apart the fabric of our democracy, right after the break. Meanwhile, his running mate [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence disagreed and said he will accept the results of the election. Unless they’re gay. And of course, Trump keeps saying this whole time that the media is rigging the election against him. But why would the media rig against him? He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Who do you think they’d rather spend the next four years covering? [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] A grandma who loves secrets or a [Picture changes to Donald Trump] human airhorn who screams every thought in his head and can’t swing his arm without grabbing a lady’s ass?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Well. Trump may have a point. It does seem like virtually every media outlet is doing everything in their power to prevent Trump presidency. The media is acting like the sober girls at a bar making sure their country doesn’t go home with that scuzzy orange dude. They’re like, “America, no! Get in the car. We’re going home with Hillary.” And Trump is like, “Stop hating. Let her decide for herself.” It’s just weird for you to say the system is rigged now. I mean there were 43 white male presidents in a row, and now one black guy and maybe one woman, and now you’re sensing a pattern of unfairness? I don’t even feel comfortable arguing about this. An old white billionaire is on TV telling the world the system is rigged. And my black ass is arguing that it’s not. This just feels wrong. Our world is colliding. What will this lead to? How crazy would it be if Kolin Kaepernick is kneeling for the national anthem and Donald Trump is kneeling right next to him like, “Yeah, me too.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Cyber Security

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The ongoing release of hacked emails by wikileaks has made cyber security a prominent issue in this election. Here to comment on this is our own Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Thank you Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It is great to have you, Leslie. Now, what do you think of all this email hacks.

Michael Che: Well, Colin, um, I was recently hacked myself.

Colin Jost: Really? I didn’t know that.

Michael Che: Yeah. All they did was release nude pics of me, which is nothing because I don’t know if y’all notice about me but I ain’t shy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I actually notice that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Of course you notice, honey bunches of Jost. I am very comfortable with who I am. [Cut to Michael Che] I am an open book. I keep my porn in a folder labelled ‘Porn’. If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask! Just ask! What I’m trying to say is, if you wanna hurt anybody these days, you gonna have to do way more than leak their nudes or call them names. You can’t embarrass me more than I have embarrassed myself. I know all the details, coz I was there. I was there in the third grade when I told this boy Johnny I liked him and he hit me in the back of my head with a rock. I was there when I had a fake wetting with El DeBarge in my bedroom. I was there when Prince was walking towards me smiling all happy to see me until he realized that I was not Chris Rock.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. Prince though you were Chris Rock?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. In the dark we look alike. Hot top, fair teeth. Anyway– [laughing] Colin, do you think some words in the internet can hurt me? [Cut to Michael Che] I once had a crazy bitch try to beat me with a shovel at a bus stop because I took her spot on the bench. Now, that’s a troll. Real trolls ain’t tapping on keyboards. They swing in shovels. Okay? And if I was good at computers, I wouldn’t wasting trolling on people. I would do something useful like, renew my driver’s license from home. I would hack into Tinder and delete all those other girl’s profiles so no matter where you swipe, you get me. You in Missouri? You gonna get me. You in the middle of the ocean? You gonna get me.

Matter of fact, if I was that good at computers, I would build a man. A perfect masculine robot man. Okay? Forget about West-World. I’m talking about Leslie World. Full of perfect robots with perfect penises.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, perfect penises?

Michael Che: Yeah. Like you, but bigger, Colin.

Colin Jost: I- I- I was in the middle of the ocean. So Leslie, you seem pretty unphased by all these online troll.

Michael Che: Colin, let me tell you something. [Cut to Michael Che] I have spent decades getting roasted by comedians. Black comedians, at that, okay? The guy that played the crackhead from the movie Friday has a whole hour on my feet. [Michael Che laughing] So trust me, at a certain point, you stop being embarrassed and start being you. And I have been me for 49 years because the only person who can act me is me. Alright? And my firewall is a crazy bitch with a shovel. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

Michael Che: Just ask!

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Walmart at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Utah gave birth to her baby while in a Walmart checkout line. This according to the Janitor’s resignation letter.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Michael Moore released a surprised new movie called Trumpland which urges people not to vote for Trump. So if you’re person who loves Michael Moore and you’re still in the fence about Trump, you don’t exist.

[Picture changes to Chicago Cubs]

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs who just defeated the Dodgers to reach the world series for the  first time in 71years. Oh, man! Another out come, rigged by Hillary Clinton. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin]

The most popular Halloween costumes this year are Harley Quinn, Kylo Ren and Dracula. Sorry, Rudy Guiliani. [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani posing like a Dracula.]

Tom Hanks America’s Dad Monologue

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Hanks walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Alright, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, I’m Tom Hanks. It’s something to be hosting SNL for the 9th time. Hah? Whoa! Whoa! This has been a dream of mine ever since I hosted for the 8th time. You know, magazine cover recently called me ‘America’s Dad’. [Tom Hanks opens his coat] And I would have preferred ‘sexiest man alive’, but I will take it. Anyhow, America is feeling a little nervous these days. [Tom Hanks puts on an old man sweater] And I’m a responsible father. So I thought, maybe it’s time we had a little chat.

[Tom Hanks sits and starts having a dad talk]

Hey buddy, there is my big grown nation. How you doing, champ? So, rough year, huh? Yeah, I hear you. You got a lot going on inside you. You’re feeling anxious and conflicted and you’re scared about what’s going to happen next. Well, you are going to be fine. Remember when you went through that depression? This is nothing. You’re just growing up and you’re in an awkward phase. For example, you may have noticed that your complexion is changing. You’re getting a little darker and you’re freaking out about it? But that’s natural for a nation of immigrants like yourself. Also, you’re a lot gayer than you used to be. And that is cool. That is trill. It’s fleek, whatever that means.

So, how you doing? You okay with money? Really? Coz I heard you’re in some debt. I’d like to help you out but if I do, you’re never gonna learn. Also, I don’t have $19 trillion. I have $230 million.

Something else I wanna talk to you about. You got a lot of guns, kiddo. You need all those guns? Alright! Alright! I don’t wanna have that fight again. Alright? Let’s just drop, you know, drop the gun.

Hey, one thing you should know, we can smell it. The weed. It’s like you’re not even trying to hide it anymore. But don’t worry, I won’t tell your mom because it don’t need to because she can smell it too.

Look, all I came in here to say is you are great. I know some people say China is better than you. Sure, you know, China might be popular right now. People don’t understand how hard it is to be you. I mean, you got a summer birthday, that’s always tough.

Also, you know, you were so dang creative. Think of everything you have done. You went to the moon. You invented the internet. You created a canon that shoots t-shirts. Alright, alright, I’m gonna get out of your hair. You got a big decision the next couple of weeks. But I know you’re gonna make the right choice. As long as you think from here [pointing the brain] and here [pointing the heart] , and not so much down there. And no matter what happens, I’m proud of you.

Now, enough of the sulking. I want you to pick yourself up, get yourself off and go show the world what else you can stuff inside a pizza crust. Pound it! Oh, that’s my man!

[Tom Hanks gets back to the stage]

That kid is gonna be fine because that kid is a Hanks. We got a great show. Lady Gaga is here. Stick around. We will be right back.

Haunted Elevator (ft. David S. Pumpkins)

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mark… Kenan Thompson

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

[Starts with 100 Floors of Frights intro]

Announcer: Welcome to 100 Floors of Frights. Enter at your own risk.

[Cut to Kate and Beck getting inside the elevator. Mark is standing inside the elevator.]

Kate: Do you things jump right at you at this ride?

Beck: Yeah, babe. It’s a scary ride.

Mark: Good evening. I am your elevator operator Mark. Now please, hold on as this ride goes boom, in the night.

Kate: Oh! Don’t make fun of me if I scream, okay?

Beck: It’s a 100 Floors of Frights babe, I’ll probably be screaming too.

Mark: And now, hold on for dear death. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a woman wearing a wedding dress, holding flowers in one hand and a rope in the other.]

The women: Winafred Rogers got cold feet, and hung herself in a honeymoon suite

[the elevator door closes]

Kate: Oh, my god!

Beck: You totally dropped.

Kate: So did you.

Mark: Floor 20. Hall of our five scar restaurant.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a waiter with a big plate in his hands and the meal is covered.]

Waiter: Today’s special, your head. [When he opens the cover, it’s Kate’s head.]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: Ah! That was my head! Is that why they take your picture when you enter the park?

Mark: I’m not telling. 49th floor.

Beck: Here we go. Here we go.

[The elevator door opens. There is David Pumpkins with two other people. He is wearing a suit that hast pumpkins printed on it. The other two are wearing skeleton skin costume.]

David Pumpkins: How’s it hanging? I’m David Pumpkins. And I’m gonna scare the hell out of you.

[music playing]

[David Pumpkins and the two skeletons start dancing]

Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

[Kate and Beck say nothing. They are confused.]

Mark: Scared to speechless?

Beck: Oh, no. No. I’m just trying to wrap my head around, David Pumpkins? I mean, are we supposed to know who that is?

Kate: Yeah. It was just a guy in a pumpkin suit with two B-boy skeletons. I don’t get how that’s scary.

Mark: Well, you don’t get frights. You fear them. 26th floor.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a lady ghost wearing white pajamas and has black hair covering all her face.]

Lady: Can I sleep in your bed tonight? [screaming]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: Yeah. I get why she is here.

Beck: Yeah. Creepy girl from ‘The Ring’. But David Pumpkins? I mean, is he from something?

Kate: Yeah. Like, is he from a local commercial?

Mark: Well, the scariest thing to the mind is the unknown.

[The elevator door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and his dancers again.]

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins.

Beck: I know. But like, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man!

Kate: Okay. Yeah, yeah, and David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Is own thang!

Beck: And the skeletons are?

Skeletons: Part of it!

Kate: Why are you a part of this ride?

David Pumpkins: To do this.

[music playing]

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing]

What’s my name?

Skeletons: David S. Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

Beck: Yes! Several! I mean, he has a middle initial now? I am so in the weave for David Pumpkins.

Kate: Babe, don’t let David Pumpkins ruin your night.

Mark: David S. Pumpkins! Floor 99.

[The elevator door opens]

[There is a woman wearing straitjacket with a huge chainsaw. She turns on the chainsaw.]

Woman: [screaming] Ah! I’m crazy… for… David Pumpkins.

[music playing]

[Crazy woman starts dancing.  David Pumpkins and the two skeletons join her.]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: How much David Pumpkins is in this?

Mark: Um, 73 out of 100 floors.

Beck: Why did you go all in on David Pumpkins?

Mark: Ay, look! It’s 100 floors of frights. They’re not all going to be winners. Floor 100.

[The elevator door opens. There are two skeletons of David Pumpkins.]

Kate: Okay. So now it’s just the skeletons?

Skeletons: Ready or now? Here we dance.

[music playing]

[The skeletons start dancing]

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kate and Beck looking at the skeletons with attention. David Pumpkins is sitting just behind him.]

David Pumpkins: [by surprise] Any questions?

[Kate and Beck are scared to death.]

Halloween Block Party

Todd… Tom Hanks

Jill… Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Jennifer… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Alexia… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with three couples planning Halloween party]

Todd: Okay, great. Thanks again, everybody, for coming over to plan next week’s Halloween block party.

Jill: Yes, it’s gonna be the best one yet.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: Jill, Todd, I have a question. I’m looking at the flyer for the block party and right up at the top of costume parade, it says that “Jill and Todd are going to be on the main stage from 9 PM to ?” What is that?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Um-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. That’s our show.

Jill: Yeah.

Todd: Remember, last year you asked us to start putting together a Halloween show?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: No.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. You asked us to write a show and then star in it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Nobody said that to you.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: Wow! Jennifer doesn’t think we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: No, I’m saying no one asked you to write one.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Okay, um, [loud voice] Alexia, get down here. There people are making us prove we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: I thought your daughter Alexia was in college.

Todd: She couldn’t do it.

[Cut to everybody. Alexia comes running in]

Jill: Alexia, there you are. Are you ready to do the show?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Alexia: Won’t that spoil the surprise?

Todd: Of course it will, but these cheapskates are trying to get out of paying us.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Paying you?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes! The $2,000 you promised.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: It’s a free Halloween block party for kids! Nobody’s gonna pay!

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Alright, you win. You win. We will do a run through. But we’re just gonna be marking it.

[Todd, Jill and Alexia are setting up their mics]

Jill: Yeah, okay? Coz we were counting on another week but let’s just get our mics on, guys. Here’s the damn show you asked for!

Todd: This is basically what it’s gonna be.

[music playing]

Jill: [singing and dancing] Just a small town witch
living in a haunted house
making spells and potions
and eyeball soup

[Kenan and Jennifer are confused]

Todd: [singing and dancing] Just a dracula
boiling rage inside Detroit
got two fangs in my mouth
and pale white skin

[Kate and Beck are congused]

Alexia: [singing and dancing] A zombie in a musty tomb
the smell of brains and cheap perfume
as long as she can eat some human flesh
she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine

Todd, Jill and Alexia: Hallo… ween.
Our favorite time of the year
Hallo… ween.
it’s the noise!

[Alexia runs out]

Jill: Dracula, this can never work. We just– we don’t make sense.

Todd: Why? Because I drink blood?

Jill: No, you goof. Because I am a virgin.

Todd: So I am virgin too. Big time!

Jill: Wait a minute. You’re telling me the Dracula from South Detroit has never, you know, done it?

[cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: And this is for kids?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: You will be my first. Show me that body.

Jill: Okay. So, we’re just miming it now, but that day, we’ll actually be removing our robes.

Todd: And I will be the damn spelled, obviously.

[Cut to Todd and Jill. Alexia walks in.]

Alexia: What are you two doing?

Jill: Sophina, god, you weren’t supposed to see this.

Alexia: Obviously. Did our kiss mean nothing?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: So, they are in love triangle with their daughter?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Honey, look, I kiss lots of people. Okay? I’m a witch. Witches are slutty. That’s just a fact!

Todd: Oh, no! The sun is rising. Crap! Oh, it’s okay. I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I love you. And then I burst into flames.

Jill: No!

Todd, Jill and Alexia: [singing and dancing] Hallo… ween.

it only comes one time a year
let’s fix more treats for all time!

[music stops]

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Is that really what you spent a whole year working on?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Well, it was flipping amazing.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: We’ll give you half.

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Oh, just a thousand?

Jill: Well, you’re shrewd. But we’ll take it. Now, please leave because I can tell my husband is getting emotional.

[Kenan, Jennifer, Kate and Beck leave]

Todd: Well, we sure got screwed!

Jill: Honey, we went in asking for more than we deserved. Let’s be happy we get to perform. Alexia, go to bed.

Alexia: I’m 22.

Jill: I couldn’t tell by your performance. Go to bed.

Todd: You wanna study that choreography? [yelling]

Funny New Comedy

Tom Hanks

Vanessa Bayer

Tabi Gelfarb… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with CBS comedies intro]

Announcer: When it comes to viewers, CBS comedies are number one. But with cable and streaming shows like Golden Globe winning comedy ‘Transparent’ and Emmy winning comedy ‘Orange is the new Black’, we don’t win awards anymore. Until now! This Thursday, get ready for CBS’s funniest, cable-y-est, most award worthy comedy ever!

[Cut to five people sitting in a living room]

[slow piano music playing]

Tom: I’m tired of being tired.

Vanessa : I wanna rip off my skin, throw it in the trash.

[Cut to Broken video bumper]

Announcer: It’s ‘Broken’, CBS’s brand new sitcom about a family of professors who were all diagnosed with depression on the same day. And throughout 30 minutes, it’s a comedy. So move over Tambor, coz Broken’s got the hilarious Tabi Gelfarb.

[Cut to Tabi Gelfarb]

Tabi Gelfarb: [fighting] Yeah! I like to be hit when I have sex. Are you happy now, dad? But I’m also your daughter! [crying] And I have crohn’s disease.

Announcer: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Best comedy, here we come. And you thought that was funny? Watch as the gang navigates love, life and buckle up, sex over 50.

[Cut to video where Tom and Vanessa  are about to get intimate but Tom stops.]

Vanessa : What’s wrong?

Tom: I was just thinking.

Vanessa : About what?

Tom: Our ancestors. How they lived, how they laughed. Who they loved.

Vanessa : Soon, we’ll be the ancestors.

[Tom is crying]

Announcer: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Did you hear the word ‘laughed’? That’s what keeps this a comedy. And if you love to LOL, you’ll love when the oldest daughter walks around touching every thing in their living room for 30 god-busting minutss. [Cut to video of Aidy touching everything that’s in the living room]

So funny. It’s the show fans are calling “This is a drama.” So, watch ‘Broken’ because it’s not just a comedy, it’s also a musical.

[Cut to Tom’s family singing prayers before dinner.]

Hear that Tonys? Broken, Thursdays on CBS. Please let us come to award shows again. They’re so freaking fun!