Tag: episode 4

Lincoln Ads

Jim Carrey

[Starts with a man driving a car. It’s a car commercial.]

Jim Carrey: Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward. And I don’t mean go back and reminisce or chase ghost. I mean, take a big step back. Like, go from winning an Oscar to doing a car commercial. My agent was like, “I could understand if you did this right after the Lincoln Lawyer, that would have made sense.” But you don’t Lincoln coz it makes sense. You do it coz you love it, or coz you’re an Uber driver. I feel safe in here, to drive around all night long. Contemplating the important questions alive, who am I? Why am I here? When I’m done rolling up this booger, should I eat it or throw it out the window? Feels good. Like a tiny little tennis ball. Ah there, little fella.

Why do I drive Lincoln? Why does anybody do anything? We’re just bugs on a rock and a void. We were a mistake. Life, earth, I believe it is each man’s duty to correct the mistake the nature made. Extinguish mankind like pathetic match that it is.

[Cut to the back seat. There is a boy and a girl.]

Son: Dad, are you okay?

[1 looks back]

Jim Carrey: I’m super good, bud.

[Cut to the kids]

Daughter: You’re going 5 miles an hour.

[Cut to 1]

Jim Carrey: Not bad for a Lincoln. [1 looks at the rear view mirror] Who’s kids are these? And how did they get on Lincoln?

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]

[music playing]

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Ghost Chasers

Greg… Taran Killam

Sarah… Venessa Bayer

Simon… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Sasheer Zamata

Ronda Banks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?]

Male voice: Ghosts, spectre operations, are they real messages from other side? Or can they be explained by science? Tonight we find out on Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?

[Cut to a house that looks haunted.]

Amherst Massachusetts. The Chapman mansion. Some say it’s been haunted for decades and I was going to find out the truth with the help of my team. A local historian, two paranormal researchers and a scientist &resident skeptic, Ronda Banks.

Ronda Banks: There’s no such thing as ghost?

[Cut to the team getting inside the the house]

Male voice: Together, we entered the house.

Ronda Banks: Well, this is kind of spooky.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: We are currently inside of what used to be the drawing room.

Sarah: The Chadmans disappeared from here over 80 years ago.

Greg: Are you picking anything up in the spectre meter?

Simon: Oh, yeah! Big time.

Greg: Megan. Give us a reading on the cabinet.

Megan: Definitely something here.

Greg: Ronda, go on and check the fire place.

Ronda Banks: [shaking head no] Uh-uh!

Greg: No, go on, check it.

[Cut to Megan Banks gesturing no]

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Hey, Greg, I’m getting a big spike by the windows.

Greg: Alright, shh! Shh! Everyone, silent.

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: [jumping around] Oh!

[Ronda Banks gets out of the house]

Greg: Even our skeptic was disturbed by the house. And she hadn’t even seen the basement.

[Cut to night vision clip of everybody in the hosue]

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: Oh! Why is the lights off?

Greg: Spirits, show yourselves.

Ronda Banks: Really? You’re gonna ask the spirits to show themselves. That’s so stupid.

Greg: That’s what the whole show.

Ronda Banks: I’m not build for this, man! I thought this was supposed to be about flipping halosis.

Male voice: I was beginning to doubt Ronda’s credentials as the night went on.

[the team is now going upstairs]

Greg: We are currently inside of the twins’ bedroom. This is actually where they were last seen alive. Right here, we have the twin’s favorite doll, Clarabelle.

Ronda Banks: Stupid.

Sarah: The doll disappeared with the family in the 30s and then reappeared in the 70s.

Greg: How does science explain that?

Ronda Banks: It don’t. It’s ghost.

Megan: Ronda, you’re supposed to provide a counterpoint. \

Ronda Banks: Excuse me, but are you trying to tell me how to do my– [bang] What the [bleep]!

[Ronda Banks runs out breaking the house door]

Male voice: Coming up on “Ghosts Fact or Fiction?”, Ronda locks herself in the van.

[the team is at the van telling Ronda to open the doors.]

Greg: Ronda, please get out of the van.

Geoff’s Halloween Emporium

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Geoff Davies… Jim Carrey

[Starts with a clip of Geoff’s Halloween Emporium]

[Cut to Venessa and Cecily. They are chewing gum.]

Venessa: Halloween’s coming. The spookiest time of the year.

[An animated cartoon bat flies over them]

Cecily: Woah! Bat!

Venessa: Whoa!

Cecily: That’s scary. What’s even scarier are the low, low prices…

Venessa and Cecily: At Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

[lightning effect from the windown]

Venessa and Cecily: [acting scared] Ah!

Venessa: Geoff’s has been leading Halloween super store in the greater Appleton, Wisconsin area since 1997.

Cecily: Geoff’s is owned and operated by Appleton’s very own, Geoff Davies, who made hotlines couple of years ago when me must have rung with an old voodoo book and got himself possessed by a demon.

Venessa: But, even though his body was taken over by the demon Galadriel from hell, he’s still committed to running Wisconsin’s best Halloween super store.

[Geoff stand up behind Venessa and Cecily]

Geoff: [in demonic voice] Did you tell them about the glitter lashes?

Venessa: Yeah! We’re getting there, Geoff.

Cecily: We got glitter lashes, feather lashes.

Venessa: Glow lashes.

Geoff: Please, tell them about the glitter lashes.

Cecily: Geoff! I literally just said glitter lashes. Okay, thanks for paying attention, Geoff.

[Geoff holds Venessa’s mouth and pulls her near]

Geoff: Bear my spine.

Venessa: Geoff. Ew!

Geoff: Bear the dog, princess Kane.

Cecily: Okay, Geoff. Stop being gross. Don’t you have some merch to go mark down?

Venessa: Geez!

[Geoff shows the clipboard. It has the animation of going inside a fiery hole.]

Geoff: This is my home. You guys wanna come over?

Venessa: Okay, Geoff. We know you have access to hell. Big whoop!

Geoff: Do no forget to mention the sexy Hunger Games costumes.

Cecily: Geoff, we’re about to.

Venessa: Yeah, Geoff.

Geoff: [screams] Sexy Hunger Games.

Venessa: We’ve got the biggest selection of sexy Hunger Games costumes you could ask for. Sexy Katniss Everdeen. Sexy her sister.

Cecily: Sexy Woody Harrelson. Sexy Tracker Jacker.

[Geoff starts throwing up blood over Venessa and Cecily]

Venessa: Ew! Geoff. So, don’t walk, drive to Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

Cecily: And remember our slogan.

Geoff: Your lord will fall to the darkness inside me.

Venessa: Geoff!

Geoff: What? I thought we nailed it.

Ebola Press Conference

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Ron Klain… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moyniham

Aidy Bryant

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with C-SPAN intro]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, earlier today President Obama introduced Ebola czar Ron Klain who took questions on the latest developments in the Ebola crisis.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Well, thank you all for coming. As you know, just two days ago, another American, this time a doctor in New York was diagnosed with Ebola. Now, some people want to criticize the way our administration has handled this crisis. And it’s true, we made a few mistakes early on. But I assure you, it was nowhere near as bad as how we handled the ISIS situation. I mean, our very Secret Service mishaps, or the scandals of the IRS and the NSA. And I don’t know if you guys remember, but the Obamacare website had some pretty serious problems too. In fact, if you look at all the stuff that’s happened my second term, this whole Ebola thing is probably one of my greatest accomplishments.

Now, I’d like to introduce the man who will be managing this crisis moving forward. New Ebola czar, Ron Klain.

[Ron Klain walks in]

Ron Klain: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you. [applause] Thank you members of the press. I am really more of a behind the scene’s guy but I am excited to take your questions. Yes.

[Cut to the press.]

Cecily: Mr. Klain, you have no actual medical training or background with dealing with infectious disease, is that correct?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Um, yes. Yes, that is true. I am not a doctor. But, to be fair, I did service chief of staff to vice president Joe Biden. So, I do have some experience with the little something called food in mouth disease. [laughing]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It seems like that’s a joke disease. Just to confirm, no experience with actual medical diseases?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: No. Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: A lot of Americans still don’t understand why we have an issue to travel ban on flights on West Africa.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Okay, at this point, a travel ban on country is with Ebola would be an overreaction. If anything, we should be more afraid of the flu. It kills many more people every year.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: But 0.01% with the flu die from it. And with Ebola, it’s Aidy0%.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yes, yes, well we could all go throwing statistics around.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha. Such as?

[Cut to Ron Klain. He doesn’t know any statistic.]

Ron Klain: I don’t have any with me at the moment but if you just give me some time, everything will be 100% cool as hell.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Mr. Klain, some have speculated you were brought in mainly to handle this from a political perspective. Even the midterm elections are in two weeks. Any comment on that?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yeah! Right now, I am not worried about winning elections. However, there are a few safety tips that people should know heading towards election day. For example, the Ebola virus actually flourishes in warmer clients– climates, excuse me. So, if you live in a southern state such as Louisiana, Arkansas or Kentucky, you actually may want to avoid any large public spaces like, say a polling booth. One exception however, is that we believe Latinos in red states may actually have immunity to Ebola. So, they’re good to go.

And now, finally, we wanted someone from New York to talk directly to you. So, we asked mayor De Blasio and governor Cuomo, but it turns out there was only one New York democrat willing to be seen with President Obama today.

[Al Sharpton walks in]

Al Sharpton: Hey, hey, hey. [cheers and applause] To save the day! Thank you Ron Klain, Ebola Czar. Okay, first off, yes, Ebola is in New York. But don’t worry about me, I’m immuned to all infectious diseases as even the tiniest particles cannot get past this mustache. And all you other New Yorkers shouldn’t worry either. People should go about their daily lives. And so should New York’s pigeons, rats and sewer monsters. Because if you worry that some parts of New York are contaminated, you’re wrong. All of New York is contaminated all the time.

I once got the clap by wearing short shorts through the port authority. Snap!

So, information. Be safe, brush your teeth and [shouting] live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Carrey Family Reunion

Jim Carrey

Waitress… Leslie Jones

Jay Carrey… Taran Killam

Persey Carrey… Jim Carrey

John Carrey… Beck Bennett

Rita Patt Carrey… Venessa Bayer

Cable Guy… Jay Pharoah

Aunt Kay… Cecily Strong

Cousin Wayne… Bobby Moynihan

Grandpa Lloyd… Jeff Daniels

[Starts with Carrey family reunion in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Here’s your drink Mr. Carrey.

Jim Carrey: Oh, spank you kindly.

Waitress: Enjoy the reunion. You know?

Jim Carrey: Can you really enjoy a reunion?

Waitress: [laughing] You are so crazy, Jim Carrey.

[Jay Carrey walks in]

Jay Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: Jay Carey! Oh, my gosh! Great to see you. When did you grow into a man?

Jay Carrey: Well, I started growing in high school and stopped. Right around here.

Jim Carrey: All righty then!

[cheers and applause]

Jay Carrey: Alrighty then! You remember when I came up with that?

Jim Carrey: I thought I came up with that.

Jay Carrey: [laughing] Agree to disagree. Well, in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

[Jay Carrey goes to his table. Persey Carrey comes in.]

Jim Carrey: Can I get another drink?

Persey Carrey: Hey, JIm!

Jim Carrey: Persey Carrey. How are you man? I heard you became and incredible skate boarder.

Persey Carrey: I like it a lot. Sounds familiar. But seriously, I am super into skateboarding. I grind rails, I do ollies, because I’m not a Lahoo-zaher!

Jim Carrey: Alrighty then!

Persey Carrey: Alrighty then!

[John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey walk in]

John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: John and Rita Patt Carrey. Oh, my god! Did you guys come all the way from Scarborough for this?

John Carrey: We did! It was a hell of a day trying to get this one out of the bed this morning.

Rita Patt Carrey: John, can I talk to you over here for a second please?

[Cut to John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey. Rita Patt Carrey is speaking like John Carrey and making it seem like her ass is speaking.]

Oh! So, I’m the difficult one?

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Guys! Guys! Please, let’s not fight. The Carreys are kind people. Let’s just all relax, have a beer and watch the game. I think the leads are on.

[Jim Carrey gets the remote but it’s not working.]

Huh! Looks like the cable’s out. Is there anybody who knows how to fix a cable here?

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: I’ll juice you up. Cable Guy!

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Eddie Taurus? Wow, great to see you. I thought people didn’t like the Cable Guy.

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: Well, you know, not at first. People thought I got paid too much. But I’m a real cold classic. Must be nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: It is. It is.

[Jay Carrey walks to Jim Carrey]

Oh, Jay! Hey! Good to see you. Is aunt Kay here?

Jay Carrey: Absolutely. She just got out of jail for our son.

[Cut to Aunt Kay]

Aunt Kay: And let me tell ya something, I’m still pretty fired up about it.

[Cut to Jay Carrey and Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. She’s nuts. Speaking of fired up, how’s cousin Wayne? That guy is nuts. Where is he?

Jay Carrey: He’s out back on the deck.

Jim Carrey: What’s he doing?

[Cut to Cousin Wayne. He’s ‘The Mask’ character.]

Cousin Wayne: Smuffin!

[Cousin Wayne walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Wow! You look a little green. You should really quit smoking.

Cousin Wayne: Ooh! [showing a cigarette that’s in his hand] Somebody stop me! It’s party time. P-A-R-T-Why?
Jim Carrey: Because I– you gotta?

Cousin Wayne: Yeah! Because I gotta! That’s pretty much why.

Grandpa Lloyd: Watch yourself there you!

[Grandpa Lloyd walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Grandpa Lloyd. You never look better.

Grandpa Lloyd: Oh, boy! We’re proud of ya Jim boy. You’re probably having a blast with all them Hollywood movies.

Jim Carrey: Yeah, I guess. You know, it’s not all fun. Sometimes, you work with some real jerks. And if there’s a sequel, well, you’re kind of stuck with them.

Grandpa Lloyd: I bet no one’s ever said that about you.

Jim Carrey: Hey!

Grandpa Lloyd: Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world.?

Jim Carrey: I don’t think so.

[Grandpa Lloyd yells at Jim Carrey in his ears]

Okay, everyone. Hey! Gather around here. A group picture. And a toast to the greatest family that anyone could ever have. To the Carreys.

Everybody: To the Carreys.

Jim Carrey: Ready?

[Everyone poses for the picture. Character ‘The Riddler’ joins them]

Everybody: Alrighty then!

[picture snaps]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonalds logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s is reportedly creating a new slogan for next year. “Loving beats hating”. Which narrowly defeated their other option, “eat what this clown killed.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple CEO Tim Cook at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed Thursday that he is gay. He had another announcement that got dudes lotting up around the block for Cook. Prints, ladies and gentlemen.

[Picture changes a woman voting]

You know, this Tuesday are the midterm elections and I know a lot of people aren’t going to vote because they don’t follow politics. But that’s no excuse. I don’t know anything about politics. But last year I voted for mayor Bill de Blasio because I like his son’s Afro. And it counted just as much as a smart person’s. So, make sure you get out there and vote next Tuesday, or this Tuesday. Whatever, who cares? It’s the midterms. It’s not even important.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dunkin’ Donuts’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin’ Donuts’ announced that it will soon release a croissant donut hybrid, but insisted that it will not be called a ‘cronut’. Instead, it will be called a ‘dobage’ which is combination of donut and garbage.

A new study suggest that men who had never had sex are twice s likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna try sex.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a car with Starbucks logo on it at the right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has announced plans to test out a delivery service next year. The way it works is you place your order, then a Starbucks employee shows up and destroys your bathroom. It’s the other way around.

[Picture changed to a cup of coffee and few cats]

A new coffee shop has opened in California that allows customers to mingle with shelter cats. And to save everybody sometime, the owner just went ahead and named the coffe shop, “Grade F”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Utah at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of St. George, Utah were upset about a new city ordinance that prohibits dancing events without a permit. [Picture changes to Kevin Bacon] “I’m on it”, said Kevin Bacon.