Tag: episode 4

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro]

[Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.]

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]

Band with Laser Harp

Kenan Thompson

Tommy T. Vilaris… Beck Bennett

Tanya Grapes… Aidy Bryant

Joe Hobs… Jay Pharoah

Shina Ray… Cecily Strong

Blade… Kate McKinnon

Jean Breads… Donald Trump

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a band playing in a bar]

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: Are we there yet?

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: I bet he feels just like me

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Lake George. Wow, what a great crowd tonight. So, let’s meet the band. On the bass guitar, it’s Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: On the keyboards, give it up for miss Tanya Grapes.

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: He’s our drummer and our band’s resting hound, Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. And over here, singing back up vocals and light dancing, Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Alright. And where would we be without our very own, Jean Breads on laser harp.

[Cut to Jean on laser harp. He just plays two keys and looks at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan disappointed.]

Kenan: Is that it? Is that your whole solo?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I guess it has to be.

[Cut to Tommy]

Tommy: What do you mean? What’s wrong, Jean Breads?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, nothing. It’s just every night, everyone’s solos get longer and longer, by the time I get there nobody is even listening.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Blade: Jean, we’re doing the same thing we always do. We always– we go…

[Shina and Blade start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Now, Shina Ray, Blade, let him finish his thought.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m only playing the most fantastic instrument ever made. It’s lasers!

[Cut to Tanya]

Tanya: Well then, play them Jean Breads.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, easy Tanya. We are in front of an audience.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Shina: That’s right guys. There are eight people here that wanna kill our show.

[Cut to the eight people in the audience]

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Whoop! Sorry, there’s nine now. Sorry, I just got here.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, well great. Would you like us to re-introduce ourselves?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah. I would love that. Just so I know who’s on what instrument. Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. Real fast so that there’s plenty of time for Jean at the end. Let’s go. Tanya Grapes!

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Jean. He is dancing.]

Jean: Here we go. It’s my moment.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hang on a second. I almost forgot, I sometimes play the sax.

[Kenan starts playing sax solo]

[Cut to Jean getting disappointed]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: And Jean Breads–

Jean: I quit.

Kenan: –on the laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Let me just tell ya’. I quit.

[Cut to the band]

All: No.

Joe: Don’t be like that, Jean.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I joined this band to be a part of a team.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: But you are, Jean Breads. You are a part of this.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I’m not if you don’t give me a chance to shine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You’re right. Please take all the time you need. Play your laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Great! I’m about to rock this place down.

[Jean starts playing his laser harp and dancing]

[Tommy comes in]

Tommy: Oh, he’s doing it. Look at the audience.

[Tommy leaves]

[Cut to the bar. There is no audience.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Wow!

Joe: I guess they’re leaving to tell their friends. Hit it guys!

[The End]\

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue]

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.]

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him]

[Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.]

[Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors]

[Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]

Weekend Update Romantic Comedy Expert

Daisy Rose… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Several major networks recently debut romantic comedy themed sitcoms including Selfie, A to Z and Marry Me. Here to comment is our romantic comedy expert, Daisy Rose.

[Daisy Rose slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Daisy Rose: Hi. I am sorry. Do you know how I can get to the Weekend Update desk? I am supposed to do a talk in romantic comedies and I am completely lost as per use.

Michael Che: This is the Weekend Update desk.

Daisy Rose: Oh, my god! I am officially an idiot. Let me just get my note cards here. And– Oh! I’m sorry. I just had such a stressful day and I went total cluts and I just– I spilled–

Michael Che: Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m Michael Che and it’s nice to meet you.

Daisy Rose: Well, I’d better get into my talk. This season’s new crop of romantic comedies bring not only the Ram, but also Cam.

Michael Che: That’s pretty clever.

Daisy Rose: [laughing] You know, it’s not that often that I meet a guy with a sense of humor. I guess, ever since my ex and I broke up, I don’t laugh a lot. And I don’t know, you … um, you make me laugh. Hi, I’m Daisy Rose.

Michael Che: I know, I just introduced you. Anyway, get it back to romantic–

Daisy Rose: Comedies? We’re finishing each other’s sentences

Michael Che: Kinda! So, as a romantic comedy expert, what do you think of these new shows?

Daisy Rose: What do I think? What do I think honestly?

[music playing]

I think that… um, that maybe I was meant to be here tonight. Because I was meant to meet you.

Michael Che: That is not why we actually brought you here.

Daisy Rose: It’s just that … and I think– you go first.
Michael Che: You’re the only one going. So, maybe get back to talking about romantic comedy.

Daisy Rose: Look, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s New York city and it’s 6 days before Halloween. So, do you wanna just go somewhere and talk?

Michael Che: Daisy, I can’t go anywhere now. I’m in a middle of Update.

Daisy Rose: You’re always in the middle of Update. Why not in the beginning of something? Stop reading the cue cards out there and start reading the ones in here. [putting her hand over her heart]

Michael Che: Okay, I met you 70 seconds ago.
Daisy Rose: Well, if I don’t leave now, I’ll miss my flight. And you’ll lose me forever.

Michael Che: Well, then you better go.

Daisy Rose: Hey, listen, if we’re not both married and… I don’t know. Daisy Rose5, Michael Che0 minutes, do you want to meet at our special place? You know, the place where we first met?

Michael Che: You mean, right here?

Daisy Rose: Yes. So, what do you say? Do want to take a chance on us?

Michael Che: Absolutely not.

Daisy Rose: You have me at ‘Absolutely’.

Michael Che: Daisy Rose, everyone.

[Daisy Rose acting shy]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle on Halloween

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And that means families will be out Trick or Treating. Here with his take on Halloween this year is drunk uncle.

[cheers and applause]

[Drunk Uncle slides in with his glass]

So, how are you drunk uncle?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, trick or treat! I’m sorry. 5th floor please.

Michael Che: No man! I’m the new Update anchor.

[Drunk Uncle is confused]

[Drunk Uncle slides his chair behind Michael Che and then to the side of Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: Yeah, this feels better. Oh! Trick or treat, smell my feet, kids used to volunteer to fight for their country.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! Be nice.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey! [Drunk Uncle puts a trash can’s cover on his head] Ouch! What’s my costume?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Oscar the grouch?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: No, I’m America because that’s where we are now, in the garbage.

[Drunk Uncle throws away the trash can cover.]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must be excited for Halloween? Right?

Drunk Uncle: More like Horrorwin. You know? I mean, like, “Oh! What are you going as little girl?” “Oh, I’m going as disappointing my father.” People don’t even trick or treat anymore, Colin. You know? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] When I was a kid, monsters were men. It was just ghost, goblin, Frankenstein, Dracula. Nowadays, it’s just, “Trick or treat! Can you put some goji berries in my drop box please?” Is this GoPro farm to table? NFL anywhere. If you can watch the NFL anywhere, then why can’t I watch it in the damn toilet, Linda?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, come on, drunk uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Fit bit. Fit bit. Fit bit. The only exercise I get is chasing those damn gypsies off my lawn.

Colin Jost: Those were costumes.

Drunk Uncle: They were like, “Oh! Trick or treat!” Well, guess what? We already got trick. It’s called Pearl Harbor.

Colin Jost: Alright. Drunk uncle, I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah! I got trapped in a corn maze. Oh! Excuse me. I’m sorry. A native American maze.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts singing, and then crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle. Are you crying?

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not a jack of lanterns. Oh yeah? So I don’t know how to commit murder [blabbering unintelligible words]. Okay? So I’m not a graveyard smash, okay? [blabbering unintelligible words] That’s not me.

Colin Jost: That’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey. You wanna hear a joke?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Drunk Uncle: What is black and white and red all over?

Colin Jost: A newspaper?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, no, that’s better. I was going to say something super racist. So, yeah. [Drunk Uncle starts singing]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everybody! For Weenend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning this week broke Brett Farve’s NFL record when he threw his 509th touchdown pass. Farve sent Manning a congratulatory text just as soon as he finished writing ‘good job’ on his penis.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a cake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A bakery in Texas has created a new dessert that is a pumpkin pie inside of a pumpkin spiced cake that is on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake and topped by an apple pie inside a cake. It’s what Texans are calling diet cake.

[Picture changes to a fish fossil]

According to a new study of fossils, the act of sex used by humans was pioneered by an ancient armored fish called placoderms about 385 million years ago. But it wasn’t perfected until last night by your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lay’s new wasabi ginger flavor at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: So aggressive. Such an aggressive serving. A nurse in New Jersey won a Lay’s potato chips contest by creating the new flavor of wasabi ginger, which sounds less like a chip flavor and more like something Joe Biden would accidentally call the Chinese ambassador.

[Picture changes to a coffee mug]

An Illinois woman has purchased 52 boxes of a pumpkin spice latte mix, which is enough to last an entire year. And no need to google it, she’s white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a knuckle weapon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A school employee in Texas was arrested after he allegedly brought brass knuckles and a meth pipe to school. In his defense, he was planning on teaching someone a lesson.

[Picture changes to KFC fast food and Chinese flag]

A woman in China spent an entire week at a local KFC because she was depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who needless to say, dogged that bullet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Canceled sign on TLC “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: TLC has canceled the reality show ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ after it was reported that mama June is dating a convicted sex offender. Even though convicted sex offender is the show’s key demographic.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of New York city and Ebola virus at left top corner.]

Thursday, officials confirmed the first case of Ebola in New York. So, it’s official, New York city has all the diseases.

[Picture changes to New York city map]

According to reports, before the New York city doctor diagnosed with Ebola began showing symptoms, he went for a run, visited the high line, then took three different subways and went to a bowling alley in Brooklyn. This dude did more in a day with Ebola than I’ve done all month. I’m starting to think that he has not Ebola but more, he just like, drank a Red Bull. I’m just kidding. Red Bull is way worse for you.

[Picture changes to a bowling alley]

And now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where New York doctor with Ebola visited, are having the entire facility professionally cleaned. Thus, making it no longer technically a bowling alley.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s is a picture of US country and Ebola virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new phone poll, 45% of Americans are concerned that they’ll get Ebola. The other 55% wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get Ebola.

[Picture changes to a man with full protection suit on]

I’m sick of the Ebola panic. I mean, where I have I heard this before? It’s mostly white people afraid of it, but it’s killing mostly black people. Kind of like, black people. I’m not saying black people are like Ebola. I’m saying we’re treated the same. I mean nobody thinks about us till we show up in your neighborhood at your favorite bowling alley and go home with a few white girls. And then it’s, “Oh, we got to do something about this.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of basketball and a football at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report was released this week accusing UNC of more than Colin Jost8 years of academic fraud, involving more than 3,000 student athletes. UNC student athletes refuted the report calling it both, ungood and distrue.

Secret Billionaire

Steve… Taran Killam

Stacy… Cecily Strong

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Gordon… Beck Bennett

Abit Bana Wilkin… Jim Carrey

Tony… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Secret Billionaire intro]

[Cut to the show]

Steve: Welcome back to Secret Billionaire. At the top of our show, we met Stacy. A waitress and aspiring pilot. Stacy, you came on Secret Billionaire because you’re looking for a man of wealth.

Stacy: That’s right, Steve. I want a life of luxury.

Steve: Well, tonight, we have four eligible bachelors, but here’s the twist, only one of them is an actual billionaire. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up Stace? I’m Mike. I’m an internet genius. Ha-ha!

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: Hi Stacy. I’m Gordon, heir to a massive chain of retail stores.

[Cut to Abit. He is very old and is on a wheelchair.]

Abit: And I’m Abit Bana Wilkin, senior member of Illuminati.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: And I’m Tony. Hip Hop mobile.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve: Well, Stacy, it’s time to get to know your bachelors. [Cut to Steve and Stacy] Keep in mind, only one of them is telling the truth.

Stacy: Okay, guys, I’m a good girl but I have a crazy side. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Oh, man! There’s like, so many. But I would have to go with the time that I bought out a whole movie theater just so I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, save some popcorn for me. Tony.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: Well, I once filled my entire hot tub with gold and $100 bills. Then I took a bling bath. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: It’s simple. In 1978, I rigged an election in Panama. As I had high stakes in a banana futures. Things got messy and the bastards made off of those sovereign, my left hand. But fortunately, I replaced it with one of my own creations. [Abit shows his robotic hand] This mechanic-tronic hand, strong enough to crush steel but soft enough for manual pleasure.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! The hand is cool.

Steve: I know. Really think about their answers, Stacy. Next question.

Stacy: Okay, guys. I love to travel. If we could go anywhere in the world, where would you take me?

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: That’s easy. I would take you in my own personal helicopter that I own to the city of love, Paris. Where we’ll have champagne on the bar at the top of the Eiffel tower.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, I love bars. Mike?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I would fly you to Japan just to get fresh sushi for dinner.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Um, amazing. Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I would take you to the wide open spaces of the upper Utah where hot air balloon will be waiting. I would have send in it alone and pleasure myself to completion. And observe my essence fall 3,000 feet and marvel at the majesty of mother earth as she accepts my seed for purchase. And after that, we would go to Applebees and eat among the dollars.

[Cut to Tony staring at Abit being surprised]

Tony: Okay. I’d take you to the Luxa.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Steve: [laughing] You have got your work cut out for you, Stacy.

Abit: Stacy, I brought you something. [Cut to Abit. He has a puppy in his hands.] This puppy is wearing an exact replica of a suit worn by the man in seat 3A in the Malaysian airliner that [showing his two fingers as quoting] “disappeared”. It serves as both a gift and a warning.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw! I love puppies. Okay, final question. Guys, I love the holidays. What do you do to feel jolly?

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I was alone and bored one Christmas. So, I rented out an airplane hanger and filled it with 250 men named Dennis and one name Brian. I watched from two way glass above just to see what they would do. Would the Dennisses even know? Soon they started introducing themselves. “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” And I watched Brian very carefully. Would he be frightened and disoriented? Fully immersed in a world out of his control? A world of Dennisses? Or would he become a sort of unofficial leader? For 10 hours they mingled, trying to make sense of it all. And I sat the whole time and wrapped the tension, gently sipping on a glass of octopus urine.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw, I love seafood.

Steve: Stacy, this is gonna be a tough decision, but the clues are out there. When we come back, it’s time for our one-on-one dates.

[Cut to everybody]

Abit: How much do you charge for your dignity? [Abit moves forward to Stacy on his wheelchair]

[cheers and applause]

Monologue Jim Carrey as Helvis Sings About Pecan Pie

Jim Carrey

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Carrey.

[Jim Carry walks in and to the stage. He is wearing red funky clothes and he has horns on his head.]

[cheers and applause]

Jim Carrey: Thank you. Thank you. No, you might as well stop. It will never be enough. I am so excited to be here hosting the Halloween episode of Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah! Yes. I personally love Halloween. Everyone dresses up in crazy outfits and acts insane. It’s the one day of year that I actually blend in. For this Halloween, I’ve decided to be a bit of a hybrid. I call this ‘Helvis’. Now, we all know that Helvis went to heaven. That’s easy enough to prove. But while he was here, he did like to raise a little hell.

[people howling at the back]

He also really loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But eventually, he came to an important realization.

[Acting like Elvis Presley]

Man cannot live on fried peanut butter and sandwiches alone. I mean,what about dessert?

[music stars playing and Jim Carrey starts singing and dancing]

Well it’s late at night and I’m a hungry man
we’ve been howling with the beat of band
and I kind of emptied down in my soul
jelly in my belly starts to rock n’ roll
Is that a red finer diner by the side of the road
I got to order something out of the mode
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie

Later at the house I’m gonna have some fun
turning up the TV with a loaded gun
Racked a bit karate and I get it right
working up my king size appetite
Is that a red thick thing to the store
I got to order what I have before,
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie

When I say jump, all of my dude
I can use a power like a voodoo
before the show in Honolulu
I said to crew, when I’m through
I’ll have a pecan pie

[Four SNL cast members join Jim Carrey as back up singers and dancers]

I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie

Next day at 3 I’ma coming around
climbing off the charts but I’m feeling down
gonna be painting out a lot of loots
all the eating get to making me a bigger suit
smoking little dubbies hit around and talk
then my blood sugar’s dropping like a rock
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie

[Other SNL cast members join Jim Carrey as back up singers and dancers]

I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie

[everybody on the stage are clapping while singing]

I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa papa wants a pecan pie

That song made me hungry. Hey red, [Bobby Moynihan appears infront of Helvis] You’re gonna sit here all day with that stupid look in your face while I starve to death? Or you’re gonna up your ass and get me a pecan pie.

[Jim Carrey sings again]

I don’t want a cherry
No more ordinary

[Bobby Moynihan gets him a pie on a plate]

Hallelujah
Finally got a pecan pie!

[Jim Carrey eats the pie and spits it out.]

That’s a lemon pie, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Got you! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. [Bobby Moynihan leaves]

[music starts again]

Jim Carrey: We’ll be right back. Iggy Azalea is here. Helvis has left the building.

[cheers and applause]