Tag: episode 4

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Tom Hanks

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Chris Wallace in his set]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Chris Wallace and welcome to the third and final Presidential Debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third lord of the rings movie. You don’t really wanna watch, but hey you’ve come this far. Now, let’s welcome the candidates. Donald J. Trump and Secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walking towards their podium]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, how are you. Hello, Chris. Thank you for having me. IN the first debate, I set the table. In the second debate, I fired up the grill. And tonight, [shows two knives] I feast.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, I’m going to start this debate in the quietest voice possible. In the past, I have been big and loud but tonight I am a sweet little baby Trump.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: That is good to hear. Our first question is for you and it is about reproductive rights.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: [yelling] They’re ripping babies out of vaginas.

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Chris, I’m glad you raised this topic because what two better people are there to talk about women’s issues? Me, a woman who has had a child and has taken birth control and him, a man who is a child and whose face is birth control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And we’re off to the races. Let’s talk integration. Mr. Trump, why are you immigration policies better than secretary Clinton’s?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because she wants open borders and that is crazy. I mean, people are just pouring into this country from Mexico and a lot of them are very bad hombre.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, bingo! Bingo! I got bingo. [Cut to Hillary Clinton. She takes out the Trump Bingo card.] Sorry. Sorry. I’ve been playing all year and I got it. I have ‘Bad hombre’, ‘rapists’, ‘miss piggy’, ‘they’re all living in hell’ and ‘if she wasn’t my daughter’.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Congratulations secretary Clinton. Mr. Trump, please continue.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I have a fantastic relationship with Mexico, okay? I have personally met with the Mexican president. I forgot his name. I think it was something like Mr. Guacamole. I’m sorry, excuse me. Senior Guacamole. I also met his beautiful wife, Takito. And their twin children, chips and salsa.

Hillary Clinton: Chris, here is the truth. Donald said he was gonna be tough on Mexico but when he met with the president, he choked.

Donald Trump: Wrong, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: He has also said he is gonna be tough on Russia but he is basically Putin’s puppet.

Donald Trump: Liar, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: And he has promised to be tough on ISIS, but he has never explained how.

Donald Trump: That’s not exactly true. Here is exactly what I’ll do. First off, Mosul, it’s sad. And we’re going after Mosul because ISIS isn’t Mosul but she created ISIS. And Iran should write us a letter of thank you, because Iran is taking Iraq. And so we’re going to Mosul and Iran’s going to write us a letter of– listen, where Aleppo isn’t a disaster and Iran is Iraq and with Mosul, it’s ISIS–

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, [Cut ot Chris Wallace] We have to move on.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank god. I don’t know if you could tell but I was really spinning out of control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, now I’d like to ask you about an ongoing issue for your campaign. Wikileaks has been releasing your campaign emails, many of which raise some serious questions.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, um, for bringing up my emails, Chris. I am very happy to clarify what was in some of them. [looks away] Um, sorry, what? Carol? What? [looks to the camera] Sorry, I thought I heard my friend Carol. Anyway, back to your question about the way that Donald treats women. And that is you pivot.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: So, you’re just never going to answer a question about your emails?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, but it is a very cute to watch you try.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Trump, in the last week, 11 women accused you of sexually assaulting them. Do you still deny each of those claims?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, of course I do. I’m completely innocent. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

[Cut to a video clip of audience laughing]

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Alright! Alright! Settle down. Settle down, entire planet. Settle down. Our next question is about the economy. Mr. Trump, why are you better equipped than secretary Clinton to fix the economy?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because Hillary has no idea how to fix anything. If she did, she would have done it already. I mean, what has she been doing–

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: No, Donald, don’t. Don’.t

Donald Trump: For the last 30 years.

Chris Wallace: — don’t set her up please.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’d be happy to talk about last 30 years.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Oh, no. Not again.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Back in the 1970s, I worked for the children’s defense fund.

Chris Wallace: Yes, yes, yes. We know.

Hillary Clinton: Then I was a senator in New York on 9/11.

Chris Wallace: Yeah, we get it. We get it.

Hillary Clinton: And then I was secretary of state and I don’t know if you’ve heard this before–

Chris Wallace: We have.

Hillary Clinton: — but I was instrumental in taking down a man by the name of–

Chris Wallace: Osama Bin Laden.

Hillary Clinton: Osaamaaa a-Bin a-Laden!

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: We’re very proud of your accomplishments secretary.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, if she can brag about her resume but I am the one who’s got all the heavy hitters supporting me. I mean I have got the creme of the crop. I’ve got Sarah Palin. I’ve got Chachi, and get this, I’ve even got the best Baldwin brother, Steven Baldwin.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, let’s move on to entitlement. Will you raise taxes to save programs like Social Security and Medicare?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, but only on the very wealthy. For example, my contributions will go up as well Donald’s assuming he doesn’t figure out a way to get out of that.

Donald Trump: Such a nasty woman.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Whao! Whao! Whao! Mr. Trump, that was incredibly rude to secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Chris. That’s exactly the kind of language that has poisoned and debased this election. And if you agree, go to hillaryclinton.com and buy a limited edition ‘Nasty woman’ mugs.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And now we have returned to the big story of the week. Mr. Trump, it has become very clear that you’re probably going to lose.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Correct.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, when you do, will you accept the results of the election?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I will look at it at the time because, frankly, this whole thing is rigged. Even the media. Everyday I turn on the news, and all of the news casters are making me look so bad.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And how are we doing that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: By taking all of the things I say and all of the things I do and putting them on TV.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Donald, Donald, listen, I’m trying to help you buddy. So, repeat after me. I, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I, the best ever, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …the results of this election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: … the results of this election if I win. Got you loser, trademark.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Chris, what he has just said is horrifying. And that’s why, Americans have an important decision to make. Between the two of us, who do you trust to be your president? The republican or Donald Trump?

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Thank you secretary. Now, we are almost out of time.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah? No, let me just make sure that I’ve said everything that I wanted to say. [Donald Trump pulls out a paper that has ‘nasty woman’ written on it. He turns over the paper, it has ‘bad hombre’ written on it.] Okay, I’m good. I’m good.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, before we conclude, you each will have one minute for your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Chris. And thank you to all of my supporters. Because of you, I am winning in every single poll taken outside of the crackle barrel.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, Donald Trump cannot be president. He would be a disaster. A failure. A complete F. And America, you deserve better than an F. So, on November 8th, vote for me and I promise I will be a stone cold B. [winks]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: And then on November 9th, make sure to check out Trump TV. You’re gonna hate it.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Cockpit

Sully Sullenberger… Tom Hanks

Air hostess… Sasheer Zamata

Doug Hubbard… Alec Baldwin

Dani… Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video clip of an airplane]

Female voice: Now boarding American Airlines flight 809, nonstop to Seattle, Tacoma.

[Cut to the cockpit. Sully is sitting down. Air Hostess enters the cockpit.]

Air Hostess: Good morning.

Sully: Good morning.

Air Hostess: Oh my god! You’re Sully Sullenberger.

Sully: Um-hmm.

Air Hostess: You landed that plane in the Hudson river. You saved all those people’s lives.

Sully: Yeah, well, I guess I did what I had to do.

Air Hostess: I didn’t know you were flying again.

Sully: Yeah, I took some time off to write a book. But, um, I’m ready to get back to just being a captain again.

Air Hostess: Well, it’s an honor sir. Let me know if you need anything at all.

Sully: Thank you much.

[Hubbard walks in and Air Hostess walks out]

Hubbard: Howdy there?

Sully: Morning, come on in. [not looking at Hubbard]

Hubbard: Whoops, I’m sorry. I think I’m in that seat.

Sully: What’s that? The captain’s chair?

Hubbard: Yeah, I’m sorry. I think according to the rotation sheet, I’m the captain on this route.

Sully: [talking to the management] Tower, this is American 809. Looks like we got ity-bity typo on our rotation sheet. Can you confirm our captain roster please?

Male voice: Copy 809, we have captain Doug, um, Hubbard as first in command.

Sully: Um, tower, this is American 809, I’m Sully.

Male voice: Come again, 809?

Sully: I am Sully. Sully. Miracle on the Hudson? So?

Male voice: Copy. You haven’t flown in a while Sullenberger. So, FAA requires 18 hours as second in command. You will be assisting captain Hubbard today.

Sully: Well, to-to-tower? Tower? Well, right!

[Sully leaves the seat for Hubbard. they seat in their seats. Sully is very disappointed.]

Hubbard: Tower, this is 809. We’re fueled up and ready for pre-check.

Male voice: Copy that captain. We’ve got you on runway two-two.

Hubbard: Runway two-two. Copy.

Sully: Runway two-two. Copy.

[Hubbard looks at Sully]

You know, your wind-speed isn’t set yet?

Hubbard: Well, I was about to.

Sully: Okay. [silence for a moment] Yep! I’ll never forget that day.

Hubbard: Yeah, crazy. [Talking to the passengers] Good morning, folks. This is your captain.

Sully: And I am Sully.

Hubbard: It should be a pretty smooth ride today.

Sully: Hero of the Hudson.

Hubbard: Weather in Seattle is 77 degrees. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

Sully: Brace for impact. Just kidding.

[Hubbard is annoyed]

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I know Ellen.

Hubbard: What?

Sully: Degeneres. Sweet gal. Funny.

Hubbard: Cool.

Sully: It is.

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: Have you seen Sully?

Hubbard: I have not.

Sully: Oh, it’s about me.

Hubbard: Is that right?

Sully: Yep. [showing Hubbard his watch] Apple watch. Free. They just sent it to me. I mean, I don’t care about this kind of stuff. Do you have one?

Hubbard: Um, I don’t.

Sully: Hah!

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit. Air hostess walks in with 4 and Vanessa.]

Air Hostess: Excuse me fellas, this kid wants to meet his hero in the cockpit. I said you two wouldn’t mind.

Sully: No, no. Of course now. Come on in buddy.

Vanessa: Um, captain Hubbard, we heard you’re a veteran. You served in desert storm?

Hubbard: I did.

Vanessa: Go ahead, Dani.

Dani: Thank you for your service.

Hubbard: Well, thank you for being such a nice young man.

Sully: I’m Sully.

Vanessa: What?

Sully: Oh, oh. Okay, I see. He was in the army. Oh, quick, get this guy on Camel.

[Cut to flying plane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I’m gonna go 30.

Hubbard: Um, the wind’s out of the south-west. I think we better do 35.

Sully: Ah-ah! I think 30 is good.

Hubbard: Hey, man. Do you have some kind of problem with me?

Sully: No. I think you’re great. [pointing away] Hey, what is the vlearn selector there?

Hubbard: Let me see. [Hubbard looks away.]

[Sully turns both the yokes to the left. Alarm is ringing.]

Sully: [acting like he got it on control] I got her. I got her. Good thing I was here.

Hubbard: Folks, I’m captain. I’m sorry about that.

Sully: Sully saved everyone.

Hubbard: Just some accidental turrulance.

Sully: Yes, Sully did it again.

Hubbard: Seat belt sign is on.

Sully: We are headed for the Hudson.

Hubbard: No we’re not. Please remain seated.

Sully: We are going down.

Hubbard: We’re fine.

Sully: We just hit bird.

Hubbard: No we didn’t.

Sully: I’m turning on the APU.

[The End]

Black Jeopardy with Tom Hanks

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Doug… Tom Hanks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes in the stage]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, wad up? Wad up, wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only TV game show where the audience is in church clothes. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Keeley.

[Cut to the contestants]

Keeley: Hi.

Darnell Hayes: Shanice.

Shanice: Okay now.

Darnell Hayes: And Doug.

[Doug is wearing Trump’s ‘Make America great again’ red hat]

Doug: How are you doing, sir?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Oh, man! Doug, you sure you’re ready to play Black Jeopardy?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: They told me a fellow can win some money, so let’s win some money. Get it done.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, I admire your confidence. Let’s see our categories. We got [cut to the game screen] ‘Big girls’, ‘Mm… I don’t know’, ‘You better’, ‘I’m gonna pray on this’, ‘they out here saying’, and as always, ‘white people’.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Okay, Keeley, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay. Let’s do ‘you better’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, to answer there, you need hot sauce, duck sauce, soy sauce and safety pins. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is ‘you better take your ass to the kitchen and look in the packet drawer’.

Darnell Hayes: Yeah. [Cut to Darnell Hayes] Yeah, the packet drawer, yeah. Ha-ha. Yeah, every kitchen’s got one. You know.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with ‘you better’ for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, your job wants to take $40 a month out of your check for a 401K. [buzzer sound] Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: What is, ‘you better give me that money so I can buy me some scratch offs’.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you damn right. You dam right. I mean, why do I need a retirement plan when I got monopoly millionaire’s club?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Yeah, I play that every week.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, that’s good for you. Okay, the board is your’s, Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: Let’s go with ‘they out here saying’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, they out here saying, the new iPhone wants your trumbprint “for your protection”. [buzzer sound] Oh, okay then, Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, ‘I don’t think so. That’s how they get you.”

[Cut to t]

Darnell Hayes: Yes! [Darnell Hayes is surprised] Yes! That’s it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Keeley: Yes, I don’t trust that.

Shanice: Me neither.

Doug: I read that goes straight to the government.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, that is not bad, Doug. The board is your’s.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, let’s go to ‘mm… I don’t know’ for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, he says his dog doesn’t bite. [buzzer sound] Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: What is, mm, I don’t know, he got teeth, Downey.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, that’s it. Anything with teeth, you know. Anything with teeth.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: Let’s stick with ‘mm… I don’t know’ for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. Caitlyn Jenner says she belongs to the cover of essence magazine. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is, mm, I don’t know, you can’t do everything.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. You know. I mean, there was a time.

Keeley: Absolutely.

[Cut to the contestants]

Doug: Oh yeah, I remember. Yeah.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay. Let’s go to ‘they out here saying’ for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer there, they out here saying that every vote counts. [buzzer sound] Oh, Doug again.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, come on, they already decided who wins, even ’fore it happens.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yes! Yes! Yes! Man, the illuminati figured that out months ago. That’s another one for Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Okay, we’re doing it. Let’s try ‘they out here saying’  for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. They out here saying, this movie doesn’t deserve an Oscar. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is, Tyler Perry’s “Boo! A Madea Halloween”?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, when that man puts on a moo-moo, I’m just transpoted.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I gotta tell you, I love those movies. I bought a box set at Walmart and if I can laugh and pray in 90 minutes, that is money well spent.

[Cut to everyone. Darnell Hayes walks to Doug]

Darnell Hayes: Oh, you know what, sir? I really appreciate you saying this. I like you.

[Darnell Hayes tries to shake his hands with Doug but Doug gets scared and puts his both hands up.]

No, no, it’s alright. It’s all good. [they shake their hands] It’s all good. Okay, yeah, yeah. It’s all good.

[Darnell Hayes walks back]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. Keeley, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s go to ‘you better’ for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer, the mechanic says you owe me $250 for new brake lines. [buzzer sound] Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, you better go to that dude in my neighborhood, he’ll fix anything for $40.

Darnell Hayes: Wow! You know Cecil?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. My Cecil’s name is Jim and he fixed my refrigerator, my air conditioner, and my cat.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah. Everybody’s got a guy. Wow, you alright, Doug. Oh! Let’s just take a moment in here about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive ‘The good chair’. Grandaddy needs somewhere to sit. Give him the good chair. And Car Tape. The best tape for fixing your car. Car Tape. It’s duck tape. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, Doug, I don’t know what’s going on but the board is your’s.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, thank you so much Darnell. You people are fun. Can I say that? Is that okay?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: [smiling] We’ll give you a pass this time.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Okay, let’s go to ‘big girls’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, skinny women can do this for you. [buzzer sound] Doug.

[Cut to Doug]
Doug: What is, not a damn thing.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you got it right. Yeah.

[Cut to the contestants. Keeley and Shanice are cheering for Doug]

Doug: My wife, she’s a sturdy gal.

Shanice: That is my man right there.

Darnell Hayes: Go Doug.

Darnell Hayes, Keeley and Shanice: Go Doug. Go Doug. Go Doug.

[banging sound]

Darnell Hayes: Oh! Oh! Oh! The sound of the broom hitting the ceiling below us means that the party has to stop. But, Doug. I have to say it has been a pleasure.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Yeah, alright.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Alright well, let’s take a look at our final Jeopardy category, ‘lives that matter’.

[Cut to the audience. No one is pressing the buzzer and Keeley and Shanice is looking at Doug]

[smiling] Well, it was good while it lasted, Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I know, I got a lot to say about this…

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: [interrupting] Yeah, I’m sure you do. When we come back, we’ll play our national anthem and just see what the hell happens. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

America’s Funniest Pets

Ron Howard… Tom Hanks

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with America’s Funniest Pets intro]

Female voice: [singing] America’s looking at cats, 

America’s looking at dogs,
America’s looking at birds, going nuts
America’s looking, America’s looking at,
America’s Funniest Pets

Announcer: With your host, Ron Howard.

[Cut to Ron Howard in his set]

Ron Howard: Hey, hey. Hey, hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey, it’s me Ron Howard, how cool is that? Huh? I know, I know, I know you probably asking yourself, why the heck am I hosting a pet blooper show? Well, in simple, pet bloopers just make me giggle. Ha-ha-ha. You know, I could use a good laugh after working all day. Well, I look like Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Tom Hanks but what a pain in the ass. It’s okay. Alright. Who is ready to laugh at some funny pets. I know I am. Check out this first clip.

[Cut to a cat in a bathroom sink. The tap is on a little and she is looking at her soaking body.]

Oh boy. Oh boy. I am feeling so relaxed right now. If I fall in the water, call a per a medic. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Ron Howard] Okay, you believe it or not, there is a prince version of this show and we’re lucky enough to have the host with us today. So, please welcome [mumbles their names]

[Kate and Cecily walk in]

Hey, hey, how are you doing? Great to see you. It’s really great to see you. Hey, hi.

Kate: [strong French accent] Thank you for having us.

Cecily: [strong French accent] Yes. You know, we love you, Ron Howard. We love your movies like Cacoon.

Kate: Wi, Cacoon. [French language] Cacoon.

Cecily: [French language] Cacoon.

Kate: Back draft.

Cecily: Back draft.

Kate: Back draft.

Ron Howard: Hey, that’s great. That’s great. That’s great. Yeah. Well, since you’ve come all the way from France, I’d love to see you do a clip.

Cecily: Yeah, of course we will do the blooper for you.

Kate: We can do. Request is [French language]

Ron Howard: Great, great. Let’s take it away.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat peeking from the side of the bed.]

Cecily: Oh, this cat here is witnessing a violent murder.

Kate: The victim scream, “Please call for help.”

Cecily: But he is paralyzed.

Kate: It will hunt him forever because he can’t watch a man beat to death and he do nothing.

Cecily: Yes. In this moment, he learn he is a true coward.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay. Okay, okay. Wow. You know, but it’s the director in me, but can I give you a note?

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, of course.

Ron Howard: Okay, could you try to make it more silly. You know, more fun? May try to put a pun in there. Like, you’re freaking meow (me out). Ha-ha-ha. Okay, okay. Roll the clip.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat holding a bar and sleeping]

Cecily: Oh, this cat is waiting on his dead beat dad but he’s once again with his whore. It’s a hotel, he provide no [unintelligible]

[Cut to a video clip of a piglet moving]

Kate: This pig dance not for joy but for sexual pleasure.

Cecily: You see just behind him, it’s an audience of masturbating businessmen.

Kate: Oink, comfortable

Cecily: This is how we do it.

[Cut to a video clip of cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Oh, this cat is dead fro drug overdose.

[Cut to another video clip of a cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Kate: And this cat is being prepared for morgue. Just kitten (kidding).

Cecily: Bun chicken meow, meow.

Kate: Not bad, huh?

Cecily: not bad.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Cheese and rice. Can I just give you one more just, just one adjustment? Maybe try one where, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” Try some cartoony noises and catch phrases. Here, here. Watch me.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog with long neck looking at the camera funnily]

Oh, dorpy-dorp-dorp. I’m the mean old dog and this is what I think about you. Phrrr. Dorpy-dorp-dorp-dorp. [Cut to Ron Howard, Kate and Cecily] Alright? Alright?

Cecily: You know, dorpy-dorpy-dorp.

Kate: Dorp-dorp, get the job done.

Ron Howard: Okay, cool, cool. Great. Great. Let’s try it.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog walking on two feet at the grocery store.]

Cecily: Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My mother is dead back there. Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My brains are on my balls.

Kate: Barp-badarp-badar. This looks very bad for me. I am a payroll. Bleh!

Cecily: Bloopy-bloopy-bloopy. Please, someone, my mother is in back split in the middle. I’m covered in my mother.

Kate: Da-da-da-da. I think she may still be breathing. Someone, bring her out of her misery.

Cecily: Oh, check please.

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

Kate and Cecily: Dohh!

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay, okay. I think that’s the best we’re gonna get.

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Kate: We did good. We did good.

Cecily: Yeah, we should come back every week.

[Cut to everybody]

Ron Howard: Well, well, let’s not get crazy.

Cecily: Ron Howard, fantastic.

Kate: Ron Howard!

[The End]

A Girl’s Halloween

Vanessa Bayer

Megan… Aidy Bryant

Janelle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with A Girl’s Halloween intro]

[music playing]

[Cut to Vanessa and Megan dressing up. It’s eight PM

Vanessa: Megan, you look so cute.

Megan: Oh, thanks. Janelle, will you like, fluff the back of my hair? It feels like it’s getting flat.

Janelle: Yeah, yeah. You guys, I love how we’re like, keeping it so chill this year.

Megan: I know.

Vanessa: So, we’re just grabbing dinner and then heading to Ryan’s for a bit?

Megan: Um-hmm.

Janelle: You guys, let’s do a selfie.

Vanessa: Oh, okay.

Janelle: Alright. Smile!

[They take selfies]

Megan: This is gonna be such a fun night.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM]

Megan: This night f****n sucks!

Janelle: I gave my credit card to someone and I don’t have it. Who has it?

Vanessa: Please! I need to get pizza.

Megan: Oh! Pizza, bitch!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: Hey, Megan. Will you draw my whiskers? Your’s look like, so good.

Megan: Yes. I did like a little white line underneath for definition.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s so smart.

Janelle: Just like that. That’s what I want mine to look. I’m gonna look so cute.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM. All their make ups are messed up.]

Janelle: I’m so ugly.

Megan: Don’s say that.

Janelle: Megan, don’t. You stop coz you have been a bitch to me all night.

Megan: That’s because you wouldn’t wait.

Janelle: No. You said to go, Megan!

[Janelle walks away. She falls down.]

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Vanessa: Should I paint my nails yellow?

Megan: Oh, yeah. You should do yellow for the cheese.

Janelle: Hey, if you wanna be a cat too, like, I have extra.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s okay. I like being the cheese.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM.]

Vanessa: Why did you make me be the cheese? You guys got to be cute. And you made me be the cheese.

[Cut to Megan sitting down at the side of the street, wildly.]

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: My these shoes are cute. It was so hard to find grey ones that matched.

[Cut to Megan walking alone drunk at the street. She can’t walk properly because of her shoes.]

Megan: Hey guys, please wait. I got it now. Come on. Wait for me. Guys!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: You know what? I think I’m not gonna drink tonight.

Megan: Good idea, Janelle.

Vanessa: That’s so smart, Janelle.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle at the pizza place. Janelle pukes on the pizza.]

Megan: [singing looking at the guys beside them] Oh, babe, what up, baby, you want some of this?

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: You and your drunk friends got to get out of my restaurant now.

Megan: No, you cannot yell at her.

Bobby: Get out of my store, okay? Before I turn the hose on you.

Megan: Oh, yeah. You would love to do that.

Vanessa: You nasty pervert.

Megan: Pervert!

[Cut to Bobby at eight PM sticking halloween stickers on his restaurant door.]

Bobby: [looking at the stickers and smiling] Spooky!

[Cut to Bobby spraying water on the girls using hose]

Vanessa: What the hell.

Janelle: Oh, my god!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: Oh, I look cute.

[Cut to Megan running through the glass door of pizza restaurant breaking it.]

Bobby: Oh my god!

[Cut to Vanessa and Janelle lying on a sofa, still drunk]

Vanessa: That was so fun.

Janelle: Yeah. I’m so glad it was just us girls.

[A guy painted all green is behind them]

The guy: Hey, what about me?

Janelle: Ew, who let that guy in?

[Megan walks in. Her mouth is all green.]

Megan: I have no freaking idea.

[The End]

Star Track Production

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Mr. Crocker… Beck Bennett

Daughter… Aidy Bryant

Skacy Steve… Donald Trump

[Starts with a family dinner]

Vanessa: And I said, “That’s enough, sir.”

[Everyone laughing]

Pete: Well, it smells really good Mr. Crocker.

Mr. Crocker: That’s very sweet of you, but I know for fact it smells terrible.

Pete: Yeah, it does. It stinks.

Mr. Crocker: I know. But trust me, it will taste great. Old family recipe. Plus, you’re dating my daughter, so you’ll have to eat it.

[Everybody laughing]

Aidy: Dad!

Mr. Crocker: Sorry, I’m not going to embarrass you sweetheart. I’m not one of [gesturing to quote using his two fingers] “Those dads”. Let’s just listen to a little music [Mr. Crocker turns on the music] and enjoy a great meal.

[‘See you again’ by Wiz Khalifa starts playing]

Pete: Oh, I love this song.

Mr. Crocker: It’s great, isn’t it?

[Cut to Vanessa and Mr. Crocker smiling at each other]

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

[the music playing is a ‘See you again’ instrumental with Mr. Crocker’s voice recorded singing on it]

Aidy: Dad!

Mr. Crocker: Yes honey?

Aidy: Is that you singing?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Why? Do you like it?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: I- I mean, I guess I’m just surprised.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: [yelling] If it sucks then I’ll turn it off then!

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Honey.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Does it?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Suck!

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: No.

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Do you think it sucks, Dani?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Do you think it is good, Dani?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I mean..

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Okay, it sucks. I’m turning it off. Let’s eat. How’s the chicken?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: It’s fine.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: It sucks. I know it does. I left it out on the counter for too many days.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay. So, I saw the most amazing thing on the subway the other day. There were these two guys–

[Mr. Crocker plays another music with him singing in it]

[Vanessa stops speaking because she is annoyed]

[Cut to Aidy, Pete and Mr. Crocker. Mr. Crocker is nodding his head looking at Pete.]

[Mr. Crocker has also used auto-tune in the recording]

Mr. Crocker: It sucks, does’t it?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Honey, calm down.

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: Did you use auto-tune?

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: I had to in some parts. Yeah. You know what? I’ll just change it to a song I don’t sing.

[Mr. Crocker changes the song]

There. Now everybody’s happy. You know, some of the chicken is actually not that bad.

[the music still has Mr. Crocker singing on it]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: That’s you singing Dave.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: No, it’s Adam Levine from Maroon 5. So Dani, what do you parents do? Are they in music industry?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Pete: Um, no. They’re real estate agents.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Good. Because I’m not exactly happy with the people in the music industry right now. Yeah, I think I’m getting ripped off by Skacy Steve over a Star Tracks.

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: Who is Skacy Steve?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: He’s a big producer over at Star Tracks. He cornered me in the dressing room at a men’s warehouse and he told me I had a beautiful voice and I was an absolute star. Now, I’m paying a $1000 a day for studio time and I’m on call 24/7. He can call me in any time of the day to record a new track.

[Cut to Vanessa sipping some wine]

Vanessa: That’s insane.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker. His pager is beeping.]

Mr. Crocker: [looks at the phone] Dammit! It’s Skacy Steve!

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: When did you get a pager?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Skacy Steve gave it to me. I need to go and drop another verse.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Can’t you wait until you’re done with dinner?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Fine, but I gotta eat real fast.

[Mr. Crocker starts eating wildly]

[Cut to everybody. The doorbell rings.]

Vanessa: I wonder who that is.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Oh, no! It’s Skacy Steve.

Skacy Steve: Come on, out of my way.

[Cut to everybody. Skacy Steve walks in to the dining hall.]

Hey, I’ve got a new track for you.

Mr. Crocker: I’m having dinner with my family, Skacy.

Skacy Steve: Listen to this, Dave. This is right to your key.

[Mr. Crocker starts recording then and there in a small instrument that Skacy Steve brought in.]

Mr. Crocker: [singing] I don’t like it, I love it, love it, love it

Skacy Steve: Straight to the top of the charts, Dave. You’re gonna be a massive star.

[Skacy Steve pats Pete]

How are you doing, son? Skacy Steve. [shaking hands with Pete] Big, big producer at Star Track. Have you ever thought about a career that in the recording industry?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Skacy Steve]

Skacy Steve: Oh, my god. The voice of an angel. You’re gonna be a massive star baby.

[Cut to Skacy Steve smiling looking at the camera. His teeh twinkles.]

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Changing Gender Roles

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study says that 40% of American households have a woman as the primary breadwinner, suggesting that traditional gender roles may be changing. Here with her thought on the subject is our own, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo!

[cheers and applause]

Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, Leslie. Now, do you think that gender roles are changing?

Leslie Jones: Hell, yeah, you tall glass of egg-whites.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Gender roles are changing. Especially men, because y’all man-bitches now. You know those little hair-less boys crammed into skinny jeans texting about their feelings with emojis? Emojis! I don’t want no damn smiley face or no thumbs up, and no man should ever be sending me the word “Yay”. Not even if you on a roller-coaster. This one dude that I was sexed in with, he sent me that little eggplant. And I was like, “That’s racist.” But then my friend told me that eggplant was supposed to be a penis. And I was like, “What penises are you looking at?” Don’t send me vegetables. Send me some real.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay now, so Leslie, you want guys to send you pictures of their junk?

Leslie Jones: You’re damn right I do, you tingly white crisp-strip thing. I just want to have you in all night.

Colin Jost: Oh! Well, right back at you, you delicious chocolate–

Leslie Jones: No, stop!

Colin Jost: No? Okay.

Leslie Jones: It only work when I do it.

Colin Jost: I get that.

Leslie Jones: When I do it, it roll.

Colin Jost: I apologize.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Listen man-bitches. Don’t send me in any pictures of that shaved junk either. I want it to be a mess down there. Not that smooth polished junk like you don’t wanna get a scratch on coz I’m going to scratch it up. I even went to Italy and they was just man-bitches with accents, Colin. I mean, there was this one little dude who started kissing me, but then his drunk friend started puking everywhere. So, my little pies on had to take him home. And that’s what a man-bitch does. You know what I’m saying? Coz a real man leaves his sick friend on the couch and takes me upstairs and put his gladiator into my Colosseum.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: Are you entertained?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was about gender roles.

[The End]

Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling]

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Presidential Ad

Becky… Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Ronald McDonald McTrump… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

[Starts with ‘Trump 2016’ banner on the screen]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement for Donald Trump for president.

[Cut to Becky wearing a black and red dress]

Becky: Liberty.

[Cut to Cecily wearing the same dress]

Cecily: Patriosm.

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Peg-oligance.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Free-some.

[Cut to Becky and Cecily. They both take few steps forward.]

[Becky and Cecily talk at the same time but they say different things like they have not prepared the script.]

Both: Donald Tramp.

[The banner at the bottom of the screen clearly has ‘Donald Trump’ written on it]

Cecily: Agolar shriety of the perfect presiment.

Becky: You feel like you’re getting a Yankee doodle handy.

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Becky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Becky.

Cecily: And I’m alive again.

Becky: And we’re not porn stars anymore but that doesn’t mean we don’t know a perfect presiment when he steps into the oral office.

[Ronald walks in with a red clown wig]

Ronald: [speaking like Donald Trump] Did somebody say it’s huge?

Becky and Cecily: Not yet.

Becky: Please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out]

Becky: Other candidates are just the sleepy doctor and Carly Marinara.

[Cecily covers her eyes with her palm]

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: But Donald Tramp is a billionairest.

Becky: And when it comes to Russia, he’ll stand up to Put-it-in.

Cecily: No, it’s Putin. Remember? Coz we dated him.

Becky: Oh, right. Yeah, okay.

Cecily: You’ll feel as noble as a ball-gagged eagle.

Becky: Or like you’re signing the dongleration of in-the-pants-ness. (trying to say independence)

Cecily: Or singing the star strangled boner.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say it’s huge?

Cecily: Don’t!

Becky: Not yet, please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out again]

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Cecily: One time, I thought I got banged back to 1776. But I was just banged by 1776 guys dressed as pilgrims. I vote no on that, but yes for Trump.

Becky: One time I thought I banged Teddy Roosevelt but it was just Teddy Ruxpin. Sorry kid’s birthday.

Cecily: I thought I had the right to bear arms but I was just banging a bear with my right arm. [showing her left arm]

Becky: I guess it’s true what Smogy says, “Only you can put your whole arm in.” Oh, hey. Remember the apprentice?

Both: You’re fire. You’re fire.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say huge?

Becky: Okay.

Cecily: You can go now.

Ronald: Thank you. HI, I’m Ronald McDonald McTrump. I specialize in clown themed political pornos, such as “Wag the Dong”, “Fist/Nixon”, “All the president’s men, plus a horse”, Lee Daniel’s “In the buttler”, and “Milk”. But you know who’s not clowning around with the presidency? It’s Donald Trump.

Becky: Hey, hey, hey, don’t boost for us. We’re trying to do this ad for Donald Tramp so he let’s us live in his hotels.

Cecily: Yeah, maybe visit the White House. I haven’t been there since the 90s.

Becky: Oh, yeah.

[audience clapping and laughing]

Oh, yeah. I hit my head on the desk.

Cecily: Yeah.

Ronald: So, next December 25th, vote for Donald Trump for Santa Claus. And to my clown college professor who said, “You might as well be doing pornos”, I’m suddenly realizing you were being sarcastic.

[Ronald moves to the side]

Becky and Cecily: With Donald Tramp.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Oh! I’m Donald Trump and I in no way, shape or form approve of this message. Didn’t you used to be a brunette?

Becky, Cecily and Ronald: Yeah.

Donald Trump: That’s what I thought.

[Cut to Trump 2016 banner]

[The End]

Donald Trump monologue

Donald Trump

Aidy Bryant

Taran Killam

Darrell Hammond

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here. I will tell you, this is going to be something special. Many of the greats have hosted, as you know, this show. Like me, in 2004. A lot of people are saying, “Donald, you’re the most amazing guy. You’re brilliant, you’re handsome, you’re rich, you have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So, why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? Why?” And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do. People think I’m controversial. But the truth is, I’m a nice guy. I don’t hold grudges against anybody, like, Rosie O’Donnell. She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate. The fact is when I showed up for rehearsal, Rosie was here to support me. Come on out, Rosie.

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sir, as I have told you several times, my name is Aidy Bryant and I’m a cast member on this show.

Donald Trump: Oh, boy. Isn’t she great?

[Aidy Bryant leaves]

She just seems like a really totally different person. Part of the reason I am here is that I know how to take a joke. They’ve done so much to ridicule me over the years, this show has been a disaster for me. Look at this guy.

[Taran Killam walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]

Taran Killam: Great, great, great, great. Isn’t he doing fantastic? I gotta say that you’re doing a great job. In fact I think this show just got better by 2 billion percent. In fact, they just told me, other Donald, they just told me this very interesting. That now that I am here, this is actually the best monologue in SNL history. Can you believe that? Pretty great.

Donald Trump: Yeah. That’s pretty good. That’s pretty good. A-ya-ya. Look at this.

[Darrell Hammond walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]

[cheers and applause]

Darrell Hammond: You think you’re this terrific person. You think you’re this, you think you’re that. Pop-pop-pop-pop. You’ve been very naive and quiet frankly, you’re fired!

Donald Trump: No. They’re great. They don’t have my talent, my money or specially my good looks. But you know what? They’re not bad. And we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Male voice: You’re racist!

Donald Trump: Who the hell is– Oh, yeah. I knew this was gonna happen. Who is that?

[Cut to Larry David dressed like Bernie Sanders at the back stage]

Larry David: Trump’s a racist.

[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]

Donald Trump: It’s Larry David. What are you doing Larry?

[Cut to Larry David]

Larry David: I heard if I yelled that they’ll give me $5,000. I have to do it.

[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]

Donald Trump: As a business man, I can fully respect that. That’s okay. We have got a great show tonight. Sia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.