Tag: episode 4

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of subway station of New York at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report ranks the New York city subway system as the best in the country. This was according to [Picture changes to a magazine] ‘Masturbating Hobo Monthly’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November of twentyseventeen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Very immature. November is national impotency month but I just can’t get excited.

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink]

[Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Press Converence

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Keith… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Katie… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the press conference podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. Halloween’s over but I see some of you guys are still in your journalist costumes I thought you would love that one. So, um, in a minute, I’m gonna tell you guys a six-minute riddle about taxes. But first, I’m going to take some questions. So, yeah, Keith.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Sarah, you’ve continually denied any connection between the Trump campaign and the interference by the Russian government.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Wow, y’all are obsessed with this. It’s freaking lame.

[Cut to split screen with Keith and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Keith: However, Sarah, in light of indictments handed down this week. What I want to know is how you can continue to stand here day after day and maintain there is no connection to the president?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well–

[Cut to the music video.]

[music playing]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] It’s time for me to take it
I’m the boss right now
I’m not going to fake it
not when you go down
Coz this is my game
and you better come to play

Uh-uh-uh

What’s wrong with being
What’s wrong with being
What’s wrong with being confident?
Oh-ho-ho

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Look, this has nothing to do with the White House. Okay? An we barely knew these guys. They were like interns or volunteers or carnies just making their way through town. One night only.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: are you actually comparing the campaign manager to a Carnie passing through town?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Um, that’s gonna be a hell yeah from me, Keith. And I guess I would just add suck my–

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] I used to hold the freak back
now I’m letting you go
I made my own choice
bitch I run this show
You can call them lies
but you can’t make me behave

[Cut back to reality. The journalists are raising hands for questions.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Barbara.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Sarah, this week John Kelly said that the civil war could have been avoided through compromise.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Look, history is a bottle of moments that is filled with time and horses and invention of the telephone, okay? But, if you don’t like that, you gotta take it up with father time, alright? Bruce.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: There’s no Bruce here. Can you at least acknowledge how offensive those comments are to some people?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: No.

Barbara: No?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: No

Barbara: Yeah, I got it.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [mocking] Nooo!

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] You say that I’m a puppet
that I must be out of my mind
all you media can stuff it
stuff it, stuff it

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Katie, come on. Give me a fun one.

[Cut to Katie]

Katie: No. Obviously, sexual harassment has been in the news. So, is the official White House position that the sixteen women that have accused the president?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, hang on, now. Coz it’s riddle time, y’all. And this is gonna help you understand the new tax plan, alright? Ten people have a bar tab of $100, right?

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being
what’s wrong with being–

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: But the 8th man is a Polak. Okay? So, he’s dumb as a box of rocks.

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Milk. Milk. Lemonade. Round the back. That’s where the fudge is made.

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: And you end up at the McNugget. And that’s taxes.

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being
what’s wrong with being
what’s wrong with being confident

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing badly] Waaa! Alright.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Are you singing Demi Lovato song?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hello, no. [winks]

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort]

[door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

New Wife

Beck Bennett

Jan… Kate McKinnon

Vincent… Larry David

Chris Redd

Candice…Cecily Strong

[Starts with Beck and Jan walking to Vincent and Chris]

Beck: Vincent, there you are. What re we celebrating tonight, bud?

Vincent: You haven’t heard? I got married this past weekend.

Chris: You did what?

Vincent: I met and married a wonderful woman. She opened up a whole new world to me.

[Candice walks in]

Candice: Vincent! Here, pocket square. Oh, my god! Look at you lawyers just serving alley McBeal realness. I’m gagging.

Beck: Gagging?

Vincent: Come on, Greg. She’s gagging. Candice is gay famous. She knows all the lingo.

Jan: Okay. And where did you two meet?

Candice: Mykonos.

Chris: Greece?

Candice: No. The other one. Yes, fool! Greece.

Beck: So, Candice, what do you do?

Candice: Appearances.

Vincent: yeah. She does the whole gay circuit. She’s big with the Twinks, daddies and even the techno sluts. You know, the gay world isn’t just one thing. It is a complex tapestry of cultures. You know, like South America. I’ve learned so much from her.

Candice: Yeah, I’m basically the kitty ambassador to the Twink republic of Quank.

Jan: What does that mean?

Vincent: Jan, are you paying attention? She says she is the kitty ambassador of the Twink Republic of Quank.

Jan: Uh-huh. So, does that mean that you’re a singer?

Vincent: Pfft! Singer? She’s an entertainer. Like, later tonight, she’s co-hosting power bottom at Yes Twink.

Candice: Yeah. You guys can come, but you have to bring three friends and they have to be either bus cute or rude. Two out of three. Oh, I got to go. Xavier is almost set up.

[Candice leaves]

Chris: Uh, set up?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She’s gonna perform for us. Let me ask you something. How old do you think she is?

Beck: Your new wife Candice?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She won’t tell me. She’s either 18 or 55. Either way, she’s timeless A.F.

Jan: Alright, well, if you’re happy, then we are happy for you. Cheers.

Beck: We’re here.

Chris: Cheers.

[music playing]

[Candice walks in with four half nude dancers]

Candice: Hey queers, are you bitches ready to make nasty?

Vincent: Hello? Called a response. Answer her!

Jan: Yes. Yes. We’re here.

Candice: I say, where are my queens?

Vincent: Answer her!

Candice: I said, who is queer in the house?

Chris: Sure, I’ll be, I guess.

Vincent: See?

Candice: [singing] Boys in high heels getting higher and higher
queens getting snatched as their drag time expires
attention embraces, he’s just as crazy
I only work for the monty, hunty

Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh

Beck: So, what is this song about?

Vincent: What’s it about? Are you listening? It’s like when you walk into the club and the A list queens and Twinks are up front with the money crowd. And in the back half, you’re trolls and the lowest of the queens. Just haters looking for problems. But she doesn’t do it for the approval, no. No, no, no, no. She does it for the monty and the Givenchy hunty. It’s empowering, man!

Jan: Okay. What’s happening now?

Vincent: Oh, I love this part. She’s simulating sex with all her gay dancers. It’s fun.

Candice: [singing] I bought five tickets for the train
Yi, er, san, su

Beck: Did she just count to five in Mandarin?

Vincent: No. To four. She doesn’t know five.

Beck: Why did she have five tickets for the train then?

Vincent: Because the squad has four queens, plus her makes five. You know what? You know what? Get out! Just get the hell out. [pushing Beck] I want you off the property now. Get the hell out of here. You’re fired. Get out.

Jan: Is everything okay? You got so mad.

Vincent: Yeah. I’m sorry. I took my prep in an empty stomach.

Candice: Vincent, baby, we need to get going. We need to get to my gig.

Vincent: Oh, look at the time. Yeah. We got to go now if we want to be at power bottoms for her. You know, 3:30 AM performance.

Jan: Okay. But we do have a meeting at 6 AM.

Vincent: Yeah, we got that 6 AM meeting, right? You know, we have time to hear one song and then go, which is perfect because after that the club is overrun with thirsty bottom feeders. You know. You know what I’m talking about.

Chris: what is a thirsty bottom feeder?

Vincent: Girl, please. Like you don’t know.

Larry David Stand Up Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright, that’s enough. That’s enough. That’s enough. You tolerate me. You really, really tolerate me. Look at this, what a wonderful greeting. What a beautiful greeting. [cheers and applause] It’s nice to be in New York. You know, I used to live here for many years. And I had nothing. I was a total loser. In fact, I used to walk around outside looking for spots to live in for when I became homeless. Once I found a spot with a ventilator with heat coming out. I though, “Oh, my god. I struck gold. I got to put a deposit down on this place.”

For a while, I was a private chauffeur for an old woman who was kind of blind. She was blind as a bat. Let’s face it. I cannot say enough wonderful things about the blind boss. You can really get away with murder. The car was filthy. There was bird poop all over it. She had no idea.

You know, I didn’t date much at that time. And I was very desperate. Yet, I was also very particular. It’s an odd combination. You know? I had that common with Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame who like me also had nothing to offer, yet was extremely particular, very superficial. He had to go out with the best looking woman in Paris. Nobody else was good enough for Quasimodo. His friends would try to fix him up. “Quasi, there is a great girl in my office. Lovely girl. Wonderful personality. She’s a gifted pianist, a gourmet chef. I think you two would really hit it off.” [acting like Quasimodo] “Is she good looking? She’s gotta be good looking.” “Is she good looking? Quasi, listen to me. I told her about the hump. She’s cool with the hump. And I told her how hideous your face is and how deformed and grotesque you are. You know what she said? ‘I don’t care. It’s fine. Who cares about all that stuff? It’s all superficial, as long as he’s nice to me. That’s what’s important.'” [acting like Quasimodo] “Does she have big jugs? I like me some big jugs. Got to have big ones.” “Listen to me, you’re mutant, you’re a monster. You’re a freak!” [acting like Quasimodo] “You’re not going to fix me with some dog.”

The big difference in dating now is that I used to keep a condom in my wallet. Now I just have a little booklet listing which fish have the highest mercury content. Really cool guy. If you want to seal the deal, whip out that little booklet on a dinner date. “Oh, hey, look at this. We can get the flounder, huh? Who else can tell you to get flounder? Do I take care of you or what?”

I think I’m doing quite well. [cheers and applause] Alright, shut up. So, you know, a lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news up late. And I couldn’t help but notice a very disturbing pattern of emerging which is that many of the predators, not all, but many of them [hesitates to speak] are Jews. And I have three words to say to that. “Oy vey zmir.” I don’t like it when Jews are in the headlines for notorious reasons. I want “Einstein discovers the theory of relativity.” “Salk cures polio.” What I don’t want? “Weinstein took it out.” I know I consistently strive to be a good jewish representative. [applause] When people see me, I want them to say, “Oh, there goes a fine Jew for you. There’s a fine Jew. Margaret, come here. Come here. I want you to meet this wonderful Jew. Nothing stereotypical about him. If not for the self deprecation and the irritable bowel syndromes, you would never know in a million years.”

You know, I’ve always been obsessed with women. And I have often wondered if I had grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would. “Hey, slo-mo. Slo-mo. Look at that one from Barrack C. Oh my god, is she gorgeous? I have my eye on her for weeks. Yeah. I’d like to go up and say something to her.” Of course, the problem is, there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp. “How’s it going? They treating you okay? You know, if we ever get out of here, I’d love to take you out for some latkes. Do you like Latkes? Huh? What? What did I say? Is it me or is it the whole thing? It’s coz I’m bald, isn’t it?”

Anyway, we have got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Career Retropective

Cecily Strong

Martin Hamill… Larry David

Beck Bennett

Doug… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Kenan

[Starts with Cecily speaking]

Cecily: Welcome to the ad council’s annual awards dinner. And judging by the bar tab, you are enjoying yourselves. Tonight, we are proud to present the AC Anderson Lifetime Achievement award in advertising to a man who let us know that when it came to McDonald’s, we’re loving it. And asked that famous question, got milk? I’m speaking of course about Martin Hamill.

[applause]

Martin Hamill: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a tremendous honor to be here.

Cecily: After dinner, we’ll take a look at some of the amazing ad campaigns he created. But before we eat, we thought we could look at some of his earlier works. He got his start by creating a series of public service announcements in the early 80s known as the smart choices campaign that warned teens about the dangers of drugs, alcohol and other issues.

Martin Hamill: Wow, you guys really did your research. Yeah, I was really proud of those. We helped a lot of kids.

Cecily: Let’s take a look now at a few of those ground breaking PSAs.

[Cut to the ad video. Beck is smoking a cigarette while Doug walks in]

Beck: Hey, Doug. You want a cigarette? [Doug looks away] Oh, come on! Don’t be a baby. It’s cool. Try it.

Doug: Smoking? No way! That’s gay!

[Doug pushes Beck and walks away]

Female voice: If someone pressures you to smoke, just say, “No way, that’s gay.”

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Hah! I had forgot about the tag line on that. You know, it was a different time. The word gay was very common with kids. It just kind of meant bad. You know, that hat is gay. Your car is gay. School’s gay. You guys understand what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut to the public. They’re shaking their heads no.]

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: Well, after you encouraged young people to say, “No way, that’s gay”–

Martin Hamill: You don’t have to put it like that.

Cecily: You warned them about the dangers of bullying. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug and Alex are laughing. Alex is on a wheelchair. Luke walks in.]

Luke: Doug? [pointing at Alex] Why are you hanging out with him? He can’t even walk.

Doug: Yeah? Well, I can. And I’m walking away… from you.

Alex: Actually, let’s roll.

[Doug pushes Alex’s wheelchair and they leave]

Female voice: Making fun of someone with disability is retarded.

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Okay, um, obviously the ending doesn’t hold up. That word again. It was very common. Hey! Should we eat? Let’s eat.

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: You know, the dinner isn’t quite ready yet, I’m afraid. We were going to show the anti-drinking PSA with the interracial couple. But if you’d rather wait for the food–

Martin Hamill: No, no, no. That’s great. The interracial couple. Yes. That’s a good one. Play that one.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug wakes up with a hangover.]

Doug: OH! I drank so much last night. I’m so hungover.

[Kenan wakes up by his side. He is a black male person.]

Kenan: Ooh, me too!

Female voice: When you drink, your chances of making a good decision are smaller than a midget.

[Cut to Martin Hamill and Chris. Chris is a black person sitting beside Martin Hamill who is staring at him. The crowd is booing.]

Martin Hamill: I’m feeling very– I’m feeling very sick. Very sick. I need to go. [to Chris] Call an ambulance.

Chris: You’re not sick. Shame on you.

[Chris leaves]

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Come on! Can we see some of my more recent work?

Cecily: Yes, yes. With pleasure. Your first big commercial campaign paired a beloved snack with a beloved entertainer. I’m speaking of course about Jello and your good friend, Bill Cosby. Let’s take a look.

[The End]

Beers

Josh… Beck Bennett

Mario… Kyle Mooney

CJ… Larry David

[Starts with Josh playing a clarinet in home]

[Mario walks in]

Mario: What is that sound? And who do I have to pay to make it stop?

Josh: I’m practicing my clarinet for when my cousin CJ gets here.

Mario: Oh, yeah. Think he’ll be able to take care of our fish when we go on our bike ride tomorrow?

Josh: I hope so. CJ loves fish.

Mario: Great! In the mean time, do you mind taking that thing outside? [pointing at Josh’s clarinet]

Josh: Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Josh and Mario in the kitchen. CJ walks in.]

Josh: My cousin, CJ.

CJ: Josh and Mario. Here I am. Let’s celebrate. Got any beers?

[Mario passes six-packs of beers to CJ]

Perfect! One for you. [CJ passes one can to Mario] And five for me. [CJ keeps five for himself]

Josh: Cousin CJ, can we ask you something?

CJ: Why not? I am your cousin CJ after all.

Mario: What we were wondering is will you watch our fish while we ride bikes tomorrow?

CJ: I can’t believe you’d ask me that. Of course I will.

[Josh, Mario and CJ high-five each other]

[Cut to CJ drinking beer alone at night. Mario walks in to the fridge.]

CJ: Let me guess. Snack time for Mario?

Mario: [gets scared] Ah! CJ, I didn’t know you were there.

CJ: Sorry about that. We need more beer.

Mario: What about feeding the fish tomorrow?

CJ: Who cares? Beer is all that matters to me.

Mario: We’re all out, CJ. And that’s that.

[CJ throws the chair to the fridge and breaks it.]

[Cut to Mario getting ready for bike ride. CJ walks in drinking beer.]

CJ: Oh, good morning, Mario. Sleep well?

Mario: No, I didn’t and I think you know why.

CJ: Who cares?

[CJ picks up a stool and breaks it again.]

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey, what’s going on in here?

CJ: Me and Mario were just goofing around. Right Mario?

Mario: Yeah. Just goofing around. Hey, Josh, can we talk in private?

Josh: Sure.

[Josh and Mario take a step back.]

Mario: Your cousin CJ, he has been drinking a lot and throwing chairs at me.

Josh: Oh, relax, Mario. He’s just having fun. It’s very exciting time for cousin CJ. [Cut to CJ eavesdropping] He just got to town.

Mario: Listen, I didn’t want to say this but I’m gonna tell you. I think he’s addicted.

Josh: CJ?

[Josh turns and looks at CJ drinking]

Mario: Alright, let’s go on our bike ride.

[Cut to CJ playing guitar alone in the house. He sees the fish bowl.]

CJ: Wait, what was I supposed to do today? Oh, yeah. Have a blast.

[as CJ is playing guitar running around, he breaks the fish bowl.]

[Cut to Josh and Mario peeking from the outside]

[Josh and Mario walk in]

CJ: Hey, feeding the fish went great!

Mario: You’re lying. You killed the fish. You used to be my hero.

CJ: Leave me alone loser. [CJ pulls out a knife and stabs Mario. Mario is bleeding.] Oh, no! I stabbed Mario. Why would I do this?

Josh: Because you’re addicted. Admit it.

CJ: You’re right. I admit it. I need help.

Mario: Great! Let’s drink!

Weekend Update The Voice

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, finally it’s a very special night here on Weekend Update because with us tonight are the winners of Weekend Update’s first ever, the Voice contest. Now, let’s meet those winners right now.

[Cut to Weekend Update’s The Voice video bumer]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che standing with four other gentlemen. The other gentlemen are facing backwards]

Michael Che: Now, why don’t you guys introduce yourselves to the audience and the viewers at home?

[First gentleman turns around]

Anthony: I’m Anthony Russo.

[Second gentleman turns around]

David: I’m David Ross.

[Third gentleman turns around]

Dexter: And I’m Dexter Fowler.

[Fourth gentleman turns around]

Bill: I’m Bill Murray.

Colin Jost: Okay. Aright. Alright, now– [audience won’t stop cheering] alright– alright– now– now– now– okay– guys, we have a contest. Guys, can you please put into words what it feels like to be named the first winners of Weekend Update’s The Voice contest?

Anthony: It’s unbelievable.

David: I can’t describe it.

Dexter: This is the best thing we’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: And now, I have to ask. You in the end, you look familiar. Did you use to work here?

Bill: I did.

Michael Che: I knew it. I knew it.

Bill: But that was so many life times ago. Right now, for me, it’s all about music.

Colin Jost: I see. And, um, what song is it that you’ll be performing.

Bill: it’s an original composition entitled ‘Go Cubs Go’.

Colin Jost: That sounds fantastic.

[many other join them]

Michael Che: Wait a second. Who are these guys?

Bill: They are back up singers. We didn’t know it was against the rules.

Colin Jost: We’ll overlook it. Take it away guys.

[Colin Jost and Michael Che leave and they start to perform]

[music playing]

Bill: Baseball season’s underway

Dexter: Well you better get ready for a brand new day

David: Hey Chicago, what do you say?

Anthony: The Cubs are gonna win today

All: They’re singing go Cubs go

go, cubs, go
hey, Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are gonna win today

Bill: They got the power, they got the speed

All: To be the best in the national league

Well, this is the year and the Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley field

We’re singing now, go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are World Champs today

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

All: Go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?

Weekend Update on the Final Days of the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Thank you for joining us. This is the last weekend update before the presidential election. Are you excited Michael?

Michael Che: Hello, no.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well…

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November 2016 at left top corner.]

The election is only three days away now. But remember, it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him. We thought this election was over two weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap [picture changes to a bag that has ’emails’ written on it] on our doorstep and ran away. They gave us no clue about all these emails and what they’re about. Hillary could be involved, or maybe not. It could be full treason or just a casual chat about yoga. We don’t know. The FBI basically sent us this emoji. [Picture changes to an expressionless emoji] What do we do with that?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that it will take the FBI well pass the election to get though all 650,000 emails, which just seems ridiculous to me. I mean, the fastest way to get through that emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days later when you ask where she wants to eat, she’s gonna be like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And of course, this all involves this idiot. [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Because a Weiner always pops up at the worst possible time. He had 650,000 emails in his computer, and that’s just the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on that old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboard.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It is fascinating to see the double standard. I mean, just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, “Why did I even throw those emails out?” That’s like giving up weed for job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. It doesn’t make sense.

You know what? If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and just hand them over to the FBI right now. Like, here you go. 31,000 hilarious emails about me grabbing Donald and calling Chinese people Ninja Turtles.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as first lady she would fight against bullying on social media, and we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Sad, fake and gay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump also received the endorsement of official newspaper of the KKK. What are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, “Now Earl, hear me out, but what if this time we endorse the white man?” Also, this is the first time I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper and I absolutely subscribed. I just want to see if there’s a sports section.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and fireworks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked election night fireworks display over the Hudson river. Either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded. Too real? She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night what they’re calling an Avenger line up, of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call me an Avengers, because it just makes us think about which Avenge Hillary is. And girl, you Hawk Eye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But no matter who wins this election, [patriotic music playing in the background] we can’t let political parties and media divide us, okay? We’re not different. We’re all the same. We have basic needs. We have the same basic wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we’ll never wear but we’ll never throw away. We all have that one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say “You too” when our daily guys says, “Hey, have a good show, man!” And then walk away mumbling to ourselves like, “Why am I so stupid?” Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion. It doesn’t matter. Because some day, we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a US flat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions, like serving McDonalds breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonalds breakfast all day. And I know, right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin that long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter. The Russian teenagers who hack into our voting machines.