Tag: Kate McKinnon

Charlie’s Grandparents | Season 44 Episode 7

Charlie Bucket… Claire Foy

Mom… Kate McKinnon

Grandma Josephine… Heidi Gardner

Grandpa Joe…Pete Davidson

Grandpa George… Kyle Mooney

Grandma Georgina… Aidy Bryant

[AMC intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching AMC, where “X-Men” is a Christmas movie. We now return to the 1971 classic, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to small cottage house at night] [Cut to inside the house. Grandma Josephine, Grandpa Joe, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina in the same bed and mom is speaking to them]

Mom: Is your supper okay grandma Josephine?

Grandma Josephine: Warm water with Lumps, my favorite.

Mom: We also have bread. And for dessert, the memory of bread.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Are we really this poor?

Mom: [Cut to Mom, Grandma Josephine, and Grandpa Joe]

Well, grandpa Joe, our last name is bucket, and four of you have no working legs. But look at Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. You guys need anything?

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they grunt]

[Cut to Mom, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina]

Mom: Okay, I’m pretty worried about you two.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. Charlie enters the room from the door]

Charlie: Hi, everyone! Charlie!

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Grandma Josephine: How was work, Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie and mom]

Charlie: Boss let me out early. I only had to work 14 hours. Here’s the money I made, mother. [Charlie passes one coin]

Mom: Oh, no, you save that for yourself, Charlie. Off, and buy a Wonka Bar. Now get to sleep. Cause you got to be back to work in two hours.

Charlie: Okay, good night, Grandpa Joe, Grandma Josephine.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Good night, Charlie. Good night Josephine. [Grandpa Joe kisses Grandma Josephine gently]

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Charlie: Good night Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina.

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they just grunt. They first kiss gently. Then they start kissing more and not stop]

Mother, [Cut to Charlie, Mom, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina] are grandpa George and grandma Georgina okay?

Mom: Well, they’re just saying their good nights, Charlie. Now, why don’t you go over there, and stir that combination of cabbage and shirts until you fall asleep.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandma Josephine: Okay, actually I’m a little worried about how they’re saying good night, and how long it’s going on for.

[Cut to everybody in the room. Grandpa George takes off his pants from the bed and throws it]

Grandpa Joe: Karen, I think we have a problem here.

Mom: Ignore it, Grandpa Joe. It will pass.

Grandpa Joe: There’s four of us in this bed.

[Cut to Charlie and Karen. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start moaning]

Charlie: Mother, what are grandpa George and grandma Georgina doing?

Mom: Well, they’re just stretching, Charlie. Their bones are very old. Now come over here and look out the window, and not at them while I sing you a song.

My darling cheer up Charlie

[Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start grunting and moaning. The bed is shaking]

give me a smile what happened to that smile is used to know.

Grandpa Joe: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. The bed is shaking. Grandpa George’s foot is on Granpa Joe’s face]

No! Oh, God! Hey, should you and I—

Grandma Josephine: you can’t and I won’t! Oh!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine.

Grandma Josephine: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh God! Oh my god, I’m feeling everything!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Let the sunshine show.

Grandma Josephine:  [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh, my god, I have to get out of here!

Narrator: “Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory,” brought to you by Cialis.

[Cut to old hut house shaking at night]

Voter Fraud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 6

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Marcia Fudge … Leslie Jones

[Ingraham Angle news intro]

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set] Thank you and hello again. I’m Laura Ingraham, and you’re watching ‘The Ingraham Angle’ which re-airs on Telemundo as ‘La Madre Del Diablo.’ Later in the program celebrities in California are whining about some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under constant attack from the rain. And we’ll have a tribute to Thanks Giving, the one day of a year when your all right uncle can really shine. But first, let’s talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed Democrats to literally steal the election. Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the Republican party, but doesn’t it feel more true that all Hispanics voted twice? You can’t dismiss that idea simply because it isn’t true and sounds insane. In fact, let’s add that to our list of feel facts [Cut to Picture graph on Feel Facts] which aren’t technically facts, but they just feel true. Like, Latinos can have a baby every three months. Santa is Jesus’s dad. If the earth is so warm then why are my feet cold? Blackface is a compliment. If you have less than five guns, you’re a gay.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is Pulitzer Prize eligible judge Jenine Pirro.

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] I hate them, Laura!

Laura: Who?

Jenine: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen] I’m sorry. That’s my vocal warm up.

Laura: Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you uncovered?

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order to vote multiple times. For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta. [Cut to Picture of a Black male] Then he went into his car and changed into this woman. [Cut to Same black male dressed as a woman] And [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling “Hellur.”

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen]Very disturbing.

Jenine: And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call stacking where multiple children will stack on top of each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Laura: Wow, fantastic journalism Janine.

Jenine: Duh!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors, the few remaining businesses that are willing to be associated with me. Starting with Fashion Catheters. Got poor control but great style. Fashion Catheters. Now with genuine Swarovski Crystals, ouch! And is your dog still not baptized? Then order Reverend Whitaker’s home dog baptism kit. Because all dogs don’t go to heaven unless they’re properly baptized. And of course, Undersea Airlines. Need to get into the ocean fast? This airline will make sure it happens. The only planes that start on fire. And only want the healthy part of the egg? Try Whites Only. It’s egg whites, and it’s just for us.

Alright, my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates. Please welcome Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] Hey Laura. It’s great to be here. Smile, two, three, four.

Laura: Mark, are you comfortable? [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Why are you holding your arms like that?

Mark: Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Mark, what about the story that Facebook hired the same PR firm that did a vicious smear camping against billionaire George Soros seen here in the Fox News photo. [Cut to Picture of a creature from a Netflix show] Did you know that[Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] they were behind that campaign?

Mark: Absolutely not, Laura. Blink twice and eyeballs. [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] The idea we knowingly employed a horrible company makes me laugh, ha, ha, ha.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Good job. People say my laugh is chilling. And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become more transparent?

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] I can’t be any more transparent. Have you seen my skin? Ha, ha, ha. If I were more transparent, I would be clear. Seriously, I kid. I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money. What? Ha, ha, dab, dab.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] Yikes for that. Thank you, Mark. [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Democrats will soon be deciding who’s going to be the speaker of the house. Here to comment is diverse Congresswoman from Ohio. Please welcome representative Marcia Fudge.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Hi, Laura. I’m sorry. Did you refer to me as diverse?

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Probably not. Now, Congresswoman fudge, you’re challenging Nancy Pelosi for speaker of the house. Why do you think Nancy Pelosi has to go?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Nancy Pelosi is tainted. For years the GOP has used her name against us. But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me, a middle-aged black woman named Fudge.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Funny. And do you think Nancy Pelosi, seen here in the recent documentary about her, “The nun,” [Cut to Poster picture of the movie ‘The Nun’] do you think she’ll give up the chance to be speaker of the house?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Look, I love Nancy Pelosi, and I’m not saying she’s old, but her baby sister is a redwood tree. When she started her title was ‘Speaker Of the Cave.’ Somebody give me a microphone. That bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said, “The first girl!” She just calls the old testament, the testament. She’s so old; her birthstone is Rosetta!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Okay. I think we understand, Marcia.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Okay. I’m done. And the other reason I should be speaker is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Uh-oh. The phrase ‘mobilize the black vote’ has set off our fire, Fox News ‘The country is changing’ alarms. Marcia, what do you think of that?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] I think that you’re lucky we in a remote interview because if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of you.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Well, alright, let’s take a break and hear from our sponsors. Like Teeny Tiny Turkey. Have you alienated everyone in your life? Have thanksgiving for one with the Teeny Tiny Turkey. We swear it ain’t a pigeon. And Cash for Organs. You don’t need all those organs. Plus, Volkswagen: You know why. And finally, it’s White Chess where all the pieces are white, and everybody wins. When we come back, part two of my interview with the self-proclaimed vape god, a real person I had on my show.

Vape God: [Cut to Pete Davidson as a Vape god] Y’all what up. I’m ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] And you’re not trolling me, right? You’re a real expert on E-cig laws?

Vape God: Oh for sure. I got that swag. I got that drip.

Laura: And our producers have fully vetted you? Because we bumped Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to speak with you.

Vape God: [Cut to Vape God speaking] Then you made the right choice. My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] This is great! Now, finally, a Millennial who’s speaking my language. Much more with that gentleman. When we return.

Vape God: I’ll have my dong out.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] I can’t wait. It sounds goo and live from New York; it’s Saturday Night.

 

Space Station Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 6

Captain Ed McGovern….Steve Carell

Lieutenant Becker….Leslie Jones

Lieutenant Sussman….Mikey Day

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut)….Ego Nwodim

Teacher Hailey (Tillman Middle School, Wyoming)….Aidy Bryant

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio)….Alex Moffat

Frozen Astronaut…Kate McKinnon

[Intro of NASA Television]

Captain Ed McGovern: [Cut to Sussman, Becker, and Ed] Hello, earthlings and happy space day. Captain Ed McGovern broadcasting live from the international space station to over 5,000 K through 8 science classrooms across the U.S.A. As I am joined by Lieutenant Sussman and Becker.

Lieutenant Sussman: Hi.

Lieutenant Becker: Hey!

Captain Ed McGovern: There’s also some Russian cosmonauts on board. It’s a party up here. Get back to work, bums.

Lieutenant Sussman: Okay. Bye-bye. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: I can’t wait to answer some of your questions about space and science. Let’s start with Paulson Middle School in Connecticut.

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut): [A student appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, what kind of experiments are you doing up there?

Captain Ed McGovern: Great question. We are actually studying how animals adapt to space, and we have funny monkey friends up here helping us out. Thanks for your question, star student. Okay, next. [Sound of a blast] God, mother of god. Oh, what happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman comes in the screen] Sorry about that.

Captain Ed McGovern: What happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: There was an airlock breach in the bio lab. Got a little chilly in there but everything is fine now.

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Sussman: What’s up?

Captain Ed McGovern: Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker comes in the screen] I need you right now.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yep. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: Well, I Apollo-gize about that. Let’s get back to questions. How about Tillman Middle School in Laramie, Wyoming.

Teacher Hailey: [Hailey appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, this is Haley like the comet and like Eminem’s daughter. Um, how big is the space station?

Captain Ed McGovern: That is a great question. It’s about 32,000 square feet. Down this way, there is a long corridor [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] that winds into several works and living stations. [Sussman takes away the monkey] It’s kind of like a floating hamster habitat. Thanks, Haley, make sure that you comet to your studies. Now, let’s go to Orchard Middle School in Ohio.

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio): [Teacher appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, I’m a teacher. My students and I wanted to ask how you guys make food up there, but we’d like to change our question too, is that frozen monkey okay?

Captain Ed McGovern: What monkey? [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] Oh. OH! This little guy, it’s Capooka. What are you doing? Yikes, he is cold! Wave hello, to everyone. [Ed tries to wave monkey’s hand but the hand breaks] Oh my god! Oh, god! No, no, no, no. [Sussman takes away that monkey] Okay, goodbye. Capooka! Teacher’s out there if you can mute your classroom TV for just a sec while I attend to some space business, that would be great. So, hit mute now. Sussman, what’s going on with the monkeys?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman stands into the screen] Yes, they all froze.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, Ki Chi?

Lieutenant Sussman: Yeah, Ki Chi hit a wall and shattered.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, and the cat?

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, the cat is weird. The pressure change caused its face to kind of like suck into itself. Good news is though; he’s alive.

Captain Ed McGovern: That’s not good news! There’s a cat with no face floating around! How bad is it down there?

Lieutenant Sussman: Come, look. [Ed and Sussman go down][Cat with the face looking like a butt hole floats into the screen]

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears on the screen] Cat ain’t got no damn face. [Becker leaves]

Lieutenant Sussman: [Ed and Sussman come again] So what do you want me to do?

Captain Ed McGovern: Just go seal off node three and try to find Svetlana.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yes, sir. [Sussman leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, god! Be aware of your feet, please. Your shoes touched my mouth. Okay. Welcome back. Hey, here’s a fun fact. We are 234 miles above the Earth’s surface. And the view isn’t half bad. Come closer here. Look at that beautiful blue marble Coldef. Isn’t that spect—[Frozon human floats outside of the space ship] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Svetlana! Oh, hey kids, don’t worry. That cosmonaut is fine. The Russians are used to being cold. Sussman, get on the crane. [Sussman comes and controls the arm of the spaceship]

Lieutenant Sussman: She’s so frozen, she might break.

Captain Ed McGovern: So don’t say that, please. Now, kids, what Lieutenant Sussman is doing is trying to give her just a little nudge back towards the hatch.

Lieutenant Sussman: If I do bring her in, it’ll be in pieces.

Captain Ed McGovern: Try harder, and please don’t say that.

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears nodding her head] I’m sorry, kids, this is a bad day for space. [Becker leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Who wants to hear a space joke? What is an astronaut’s favorite drink? A root beer float!

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, my god, she’s breaking like a saltine.

Captain Ed McGovern: Will you cut the god damn feed!

Friends-giving | Season 44 Episode 6

Charles…Kenan Thompson

Beth….Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a house in a peaceful neighborhood]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my goodness, the food looks [Cut to everybody having thanksgiving] and smells amazing.

Leslie Jones: Charles, you made it. Stop fishing for compliments.

Beck Bennett: Well it does look great!

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, what are we waiting for? Let’s eat.

Cecily Strong: Oh guys. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Thanks again for letting your new neighbor tag along to your Friendsgiving.

Steve Carell: Hey, I’m a straggler too.

Cecily Strong: Oh, cool.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] That’s what neighbors are for.

Steve Carell: Yeah, [Cut to Cecily and Steve] I’m secretly happy that my flight was canceled because I’m afraid of my parent’s dog. It’s like a poodle wolf, it knocks me down, and dominates me.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] That’s weird. You know what I’ve been thinking about, there are no thanksgiving songs.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] Are there none?

Kenan Thompson: No, there are some. I mean what about “Coming around the mountain”?

Beck Bennett: Oh, [Cut to Kate and Beck] it’s not really a thanksgiving song.

Cecily Strong: No, [Cut to Cecily and Steve] what about the [Cecily starts humming the song]

Steve Carell: Oh yeah, like the rock song. [Steve starts humming]

Cecily Strong: Yeah [dug dug dug…]

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Cecily and Beck] I guess that proves there’s no famous thanks giving songs.

Cecily Strong: No, no. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] This one’s famous. You know it.

Caught his eye on turkey day as we both bake pumpkin pie

Steve Carell: She flashed a little smile my way can she tell I am shy.

Cecily Strong: Yes, that’s it, yes! [Cut to Leslie and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. No, I definitely don’t know that one. Why don’t we just eat?

Steve Carell: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Oh no, you know it. Hey, you know what? Why don’t you sing the girl’s parts, and I’ll sing the guy’s parts.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, great, we’ll sing it and then they’ll know it.

Steve Carell: Yeah.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] You guys don’t have to do this. We don’t have to know.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] I took his hand

Steve Carell: She took my hand

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: We walked into the shed

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] And you two don’t know each other?

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] No.

Our clothes came off we never said a word

Steve Carell: My thing got scared and my face got red

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] This is not a thanksgiving song.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Why, what do you mean?

Steve Carell: No, well, it takes place on turkey day, it’s actually kind of a—

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: Cool, sad story.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] His thing got scared?

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Yeah, cause he’s shy.

Beck Bennett: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Okay, we trust you, yeah, it’s a famous thanksgiving rock song.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] You know it if you’d heard the music.

Steve Carell: Oh, you know what? I saw a synthesizer in the closet when I was hanging up my coat. Okay.

Kenan Thompson: You know what, [Cut to Cecily, Steve, Leslie and Kenan] I don’t think that has any batteries actually.

Cecily Strong: I have double As right here.

Steve Carell: Oh, perfect. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] You ready?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, yeah.

Cecily Strong: Side my side in the nude

That’s how we spent our night

Steve Carell: Never touching sometimes crying
pretending we’re all right

Cecily Strong: His thing woke up

Steve Carell: For just a sec

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: But then got scared again [Cut to Leslie and Kenan]

Cecily Strong: The sun came up [Cut to Cecily and Steve] the squirrel walked in

Steve Carell: We laughed and cried again

Cecily Strong: Wait, then there’s a spoken part.

Steve Carell: Oh yeah.

Cecily Strong: “It’s morning, I have to go.”

Steve Carell: “But I’m embarrassed. I failed you!”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Are they German?

Kenan Thompson: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] Yeah, they don’t even have thanksgiving there.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] “You didn’t fail me. You tried your best, and I love you. Goodbye!”

Steve Carell: “Wait, what’s your name? Wow! What a turkey day night!”

I never saw her face again

Cecily Strong: And she never saw his thing

Steve Carell: Now every turkey day that comes

Together Cecily Strong, Steve Carell and Leslie Jones: [Leslie joins Cecily and Steve] They have this cool rock song to sing.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, so you know this?

Leslie Jones: Yes, I guess I do!

Beck Bennett: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Oh, wait, is it this? [Kate and Beck standing up]

Now every turkey day that comes

Kate McKinnon: They think of how they missed their chance

Kenan Thompson: [Cut to Kenan] Our lives are short, our love is real

Everybody: [Cut to everybody singing and dancing] Now we do the turkey dance

Our lives are short and love is real

Now we do the turkey dance.

Kenan Thompson: Wow, man I can’t believe we all knew that song.

Steve Carell: [Cut to Steve] Or maybe it was just the magic of thanksgiving. [Cut to everybody. Cecily is missing] Wait, where did she go? She’s gone. Just like the song.

Kenan Thompson: Where did you friend go Beth?

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Beth and Beck] She wasn’t with me. I thought you knew her.

Beck Bennett: No.

Steve Carell: She was the love of my life.

Leslie Jones: Well, our car keys are gone.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] And didn’t you have a TV there?

Beck Bennett: I think she stabbed me! Does that look like a stab?

Steve Carell: [Cut to Steve] Life is short and love is rare [Cut to everybody]

Leslie Jones: Stop singing, call the police!

Steve Carell: Now we do the turkey dance.

Beck Bennett: I’m bleeding real bad. I’m bleeding bad. Oh.

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

[ Democrat 1, wearing a blue sweater, is raking leaves in her front yard while her two children are playing in the leaves. ]

Democrat 1: This Tuesday, November 6th, Democrats are bringing much needed changed to America. There’s a blue wave on the horizon, and I have never felt more confident. [ She raises a thumbs up but her hand is shaking, and she is smiling nervously. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 standing on sidewalk wearing a blue dress shirt and blue tie. ]

Democrat 2: The Democrats are taking back the House. It’s a win we need and a win we’re going to get. [ He raises his cup of coffee with a shaking hand popping the lid off the cup. ] I’m sure of it. [ He is shaking as he tries to take a sip while spilling coffee all over. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 3, in a blue collared top and blue apron, she is arranging flowers in her shop. Her hands are shaking violently, and petals are flying off her flowers as she tries to place them in the vase. ]

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

[ Cut to Democrat 4, a doctor wearing a lab coat and a blue sweater. He is standing with his patient. ]

Democrat 4: It’s been a minute, but we’re going to win. Nancy Pelosi just said so on Colbert. [ He grabs an oxygen mask and huffs the air. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding a kitty. ]

Democrat 5: White women promised to do the right thing this time. They’re not gonna let us down, right? [ The camera zooms in on the kitty who rolls its eyes and meows. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 2 back on the sidewalk. ]

Democrat 2: We’re gonna win! Yeah! [ He takes a joint out of the mouth of a passerby and smokes it. ]

[ Cut back to Democrat 3 in her flower shop. ]

Democrat 3: This ones in the bag. [ She is pouring liquor into a flower vase and then takes a large gulp from it. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 6 sitting on a park bench. ]

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

[ Cut back to Democrat 1 in her front yard. Her children are playing behind her. ]

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

[ Cut to Democrat 7 sitting with his mom, Democrat 8. ]

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 8: It was not funny!! [ She slaps democrat 7 across the face. ]

[ Cut to Democrat 5 holding two kittens. ]

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

[ Cut to Democrat 4 with his patient in the examining room. He has his arm around the patient, and he is shaking him. ]

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

[ Cut to Democrat 2 on the sidewalk. He lifts his arms up to reveal that he is drenched in sweat. ]

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

[ Cut to Democrat 1 sitting on her front lawn. She throws some leaves in the air. ]

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

[ Cut to Democrat 8 shaking Democrat 7 who is holding his face where he was slapped. ]

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

[ Cut to Democrat 3. She is slamming a thumbs up on the table in her flower shop and is visibly drunk. ]

Democrat 3: We got this. [ She screams, and as her scream gets louder, she breaks all the glass in her shop window. ]

[ Cut to title screen that reads, “VOTE! PLEASE?” There is a graphic of a red, white, and blue donkey with a nervous look on his face next to the words. ]

Teacher Fell Down | Season 44 Episode 4

Teacher…..Kate McKinnon

Student 1…..Jonah Hill

Student 2…..Pete Davidson

Student 3…..Aidy Bryant

[ Image of outside a high school. The marquee reads “Madison High School” and “Homecoming Next Saturday.” The bell rings. ]

Teacher voiceover: Whoa! [ There is loud thump noise and a group of students gasping. ]

[ Cut to the classroom where the teacher is on the floor lying on her side. ]

Teacher: Ha, ha, ha. Teacher fell down.

Student 1: Are you okay?

Student 3: Yeah, ‘cause you really fell down there.

Student 2: Yo, you need like help?

Teacher: No, no. It’s too late for that. Teacher’s on the ground. Like a silly little girl. Well, I’m not a little girl, and I didn’t fall.

Student 1: Yes, you did. Do you wanna like get up, though?

Teacher: No, no. We’re staying in this. ‘Cause, I’ve got a hunch, and I’m not a psychologist.

Student 2: Yo, this is Driver’s Ed.

Teacher: But maybe you’re laughing, ‘cause you’re afraid. Teacher’s on the ground. Everything’s different. Are we okay?

Student 3: Yeah, we’re good. But, are you okay?

Teacher: Oh, ‘cause I tripped. ‘Cause I was teaching too fast. You remember how fast it was?

Student 1: Nah, I think it was just cuz you didn’t realize your shoes were heelys.

Teacher: Say, honey, what now?

Student 2: Uh, heelys are sneakers with wheels in them.

Teacher: Impossible! This is all funny now, but it’s not gonna be funny if it turns out I have two broken legs. And I’m in a full bottom mermaid cast. Wheeled around in a trash bin, covered head to toe in the stinky trash. That’s not funny. Spaghetti in my hair.

Student 1: I think that is funny.

Teacher: Alright, you, you laugh it up. Laugh away like this is some episode of Friend.

Student 3: Do you mean Friends?

Teacher: I don’t know movies.

Student 1: [ He stands up from his desk and heads towards the teacher on the ground. ] I can’t take this, I have to help her.

Teacher: Halt! I can teach from the ground, can’t I? Yes, uh, let’s place our hands on the wheel. Okay, remember, how old are my kids? Ten and two. [ She motions placing her hands on the wheel but then falls over more. She places one finger on her nose. ] Oh. Oh my dear God. Teacher fell more.

Student 1: It’s honestly not that much different. You’re like three inches lower.

Teacher: God, I’m on the ground. Oh! I’m where I belong. They always said I was too frail. Said I wouldn’t live past three. And I wish I hadn’t.

Student 3: Oh no, don’t tell us stuff.

Teacher: You know I’ve fallen down before. Once, at my own wedding. And a thousand other times.

Student 1: Stop sharing.

Teacher: My ex-husband used to tell me, “Gail, you’re too weak. Gail, you’re too clumsy. Gail, those shoes have wheels”. Put that phone away!

[ Student 2 is texting on his cell phone. ]

Student 2: Yo, I’m calling the nurse.

Teacher: You know what? This is good. Film this. Film this. [ The screen cuts to a filming of the teacher on the ground. She is looking into the camera. ] Hello, hello. How does it feel to see teacher? Teacher who used to lord over you with such power, fallen down. Knowing you could get up and kick her. You can step on her. Come on now. Take a wiz on teacher. [ The filming ends. ]

Student 3: Oh my God.

Teacher: Get up you. Spit in my hair.

Student 1: Okay. [ He stands up, but Student grabs him to stop him. ]

Student 2 & 3: Nooo!!!

Student 1: But, she said to. [ He sits back down. ]

Teacher: Look at us. The world has gone topsy-turvy, and so have we. We’re all here we’re all laughing like cats. You oughta try it, falling down. You see the world differently down here. You realize how small we all are, and how big the floor is. Alright, I’ve learned my lesson. Someone help me up. [ She reaches for help but all of the students have left the desks, and she is alone in the classroom. ] Well, they’ve left. I guess school is over. And, what, would you look at that? [ She examines the underside of her shoe. ] There’s a wheel in my shoe. What?!

[ Cut to outside the school. ]

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ]

[ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ]

[ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Caravan Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 4

Laura Ingraham…..Kate Mckinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro…..Cecily Strong

David Clarke…..Kenan Thompson

[ Intro for The Ingraham Angle on Fox News. ]

[ Cut to Laura Ingraham. ]

Laura: Good evening, I’m Laura Ingraham. And, just to quickly respond to all of my fan mail, ‘No, you’re an a-hole.’ Tonight, we’re live from the Arizona border, where a vicious caravan of dozens, maybe millions, of illegal immigrants is headed straight for you and your grandchildren. And that is not fear mongering, that is just [ Cut to an image of a scary zombie woman reaching for the viewer. A deep voice mutters ‘immigrants.’ ] the truth. Thankfully, we have a president who actually protects America. President Trump, seen her in a new official portrait, [ Cut to an image of Trump in raccoon skin hat, pasted onto a muscular shirtless body, carrying a machete knife, and wearing camouflage army pants. Behind him is painted various Mexicans in sombreros the US flag. ] has sent thousands of troops to the border to stop the caravan. Of course, the liberal media is trying to label President Trump, a racist. But except for his words and actions throughout his life, how is he racist? All of a sudden the term, “nationalist,” is bad. The word, “white,” is bad. The phrase, “white nationalist’, is bad. When I hear the phrase, ‘white nationalist”, I just think of a fun fourth of July barbecue. The kind you don’t have to call the cops on. Now let’s find out what’s really happening with this caravan. Joining me is the host of her own show here on Fox News, Judge Jeanine Pirro.

[ Cut to Jeanine Pirro. ]

Jeanine: It’s an absolute disgrace!

[ Cut to split screen interview between Laura and Jeanine. ]

Laura: What is?

Jeanine: Just whatever you’re talking about.

Laura: Now Judge Pirro, what have you heard about the caravan?

Jeanine: I haven’t just heard about it, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Take a look at this footage of the caravan from earlier today.

[ Cut to a crowd of people rushing a Walmart on a Black Friday sale event. ]

[ Cut back to the split screen interview. ]

Laura: My God. And that is real footage of the caravan?

Jeanine: It has to be real, I found it on Trutheagle.gun.

Laura: And who is in this caravan?

Jeanine: Everyone you ever seen in your nightmares, Laura. It’s got Guatemalans, Mexicans, ISIS, the Menendez Brothers, the 1990 Detroit Pistons, Thanos, and several babadooks.

Laura: And President Trump said there are Middle Eastern people as well?

Jeanine: No question, Laura. This caravan’s got hella Aladdins. They took the very common direct flight from Iran to Guatemala. They claimed their elephants as service animals and then rode them straight into Mexico. It makes almost too much sense.

Laura: And what will happen when they get here?

Jeanine: We’re in trouble, Laura. Just look at this footage of the caravan crossing into Mexico.

[ Cut to a clip from “World War Z” when the zombies start to climb over the wall, ending with a shot of Brad Pitt. ]

[ Cut back to the interview. ]

Laura: That’s truly horrifying. Was that Brad Pitt?

Jeanine: Yes, that’s right. We believe he’s actually dating the caravan, which people have labeled, ‘Bradavan.’

Laura: That’s top-notch reporting, Jeanine.

Jeanine: I know!

Laura: Now I like to take a moment to thank my sponsors. All the wonderful companies that stuck with me after I attacked the survivors of the Parkland Shooting. So big thanks to warm ice cream. Is regular ice cream to cold for your sensitive teeth? Well, let us warm it up first. And from the makers of my pillow, my hemorrhoid donut. Everyone’s hemorrhoids are unique. Shouldn’t your donut be too? And of course, White Castle. A castle for whites? Yes, please. And don’t miss my colleague Brian Kilmeade’s new book, “Andrew Jackson and the Battle for Hillary’s Emails.” It’s an inspiring story. Now as we said, thousands of troops are heading for the border. The goal is to have five armed soldiers for every one shoeless immigrant child. Trump is calling it ‘Operation Eagle with a Huge Dong.’ Here with an inside look is former Milwaukee sheriff and Trump cheerleader, David Clarke. Sheriff, how are you?

[ Cut to David Clarke. ]

David: I’m popular among my own people.

Laura: And what is your take on the caravan?

 

David: Well the situation is urgent, Laura. The caravan is only 800 miles from our border. If these immigrants walk at a normal pace of 300 miles a day, they can be here in time to vote on election day.

Laura: And are they moving that quickly?

David: Well, let’s just take a look at this aerial footage of the caravan.

[ Cut to a clip of the migration of the Red Crabs of Christmas Island. ]

[ Cut back to the interview, a split screen between Laura and David. ]

Laura: My God. And those are humans?

David: Basically, yeah. We’ve also learned that all the women in the caravan are more than nine months pregnant. And they’re holding the babies in till the exact moment when they cross the border. And then they are going to literally drop anchor. And the babies, get this, are pregnant.

Laura: Wow. And sheriff, I do have to press you on this. What are your sources?

David: Uh, the crows from Dumbo.

Laura: That checks out for me. Thank you, Sheriff Clarke. Now leading up to the midterms, there’s a lot of awful voter suppression going on. That’s why I’m proud to present a new segment called, “Fox News Tips for Black and Hispanic Voters.” I want to make sure your voices are heard, so…Tip one, never vote on Tuesdays. The crowds are the absolute worst on Tuesdays. Tip number two, ballots can be confusing. If you see an ‘R’ next to a name, that means really a Democrat. And the letter ‘D’ means, dats a Republican. And tip three, you already voted. You might not remember voting, but you did, so just relax. And those tips were brought to you by, Medical Sneakers. Jealous of your nurse’s style? Get medical sneakers. And American Jesus commemorative plates. See Jesus the way he really was [ Cut to an image of a plate with Jesus on it. Jesus is playing pool with a blonde woman in an American flag bikini. ] as an American. [ Cut back to Laura. ] Let’s take a break. When we come back, an update from disgraced former actor, Alec Baldwin, seen here molesting a young boy scout. [ Cut to an image from SNL’s 1994 skit, ‘Canteen Boy.’ Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler are in the image. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

America’s Got Talent: Wait, They’re Good? | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Howie Mandel…..Kyle Mooney

Mel B…..Ego Nwodim

Heidi Klum…..Kate McKinnon

Simon Cowell…..Beck Bennett

Stacy…..Melissa Villaseñor

Debra…..Jonah Hill

Wilderness Contestant…..Cecily Strong

Sheila…..Leslie Jones

Levander…..Kenan Thompson

[ America’s Got Talent title. ]

Announcer: America’s Got Talent!

[ Cut to AGT Judges at their desk with the AGT audience clapping behind them. ]

Mel B: Hello, my love. What’s your name, dear?

[ Cut to the AGT stage where Stacy is waiting nervously for her chance to audition. ]

Stacy: Um, Stacy. [ Nervous giggle. ] I’m so nervous. I’ve never sang in front of people, ever.

Mel B: Well, this feels like a complete waste of time. But, alright, go ahead, dear.

Stacy: [She starts singing Lady Marmalade. ] More, more, mooooorrrrrrre.

[ Cut to the judges looking surprised and entertained. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

[ Cut to the AGT audience all beginning to stand up and give a roaring standing ovation. ]

Announcer: Wasn’t that cool? You never thought it would work out, but then suddenly, it did. [ Cut to AGT logo. ] Over the years, America’s Got Talent, has had so many of these moments. [ Several surprising moments from AGT are shown as clips as the announcer speaks. ] And now, we put them into one special. ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ See the performances begin like one thing [ An elderly couple is holding hands on the audition stage. ] Then woah-oh, there’s something else. [ Cut to the elderly couple now freak dancing on the stage. ]

[ Cut to Heidi Klum at the judge’s table. ]

Heidi: Hello, tell us your name.

[ Cut to Debra on the audition stage. He is dressed like a cowboy. ]

Debra: My name’s Debra, ma’am.

Heidi: Welcome, Debra. I hear you have some music for us.

Debra: Music, ma’am?

Heidi: Music. You’ve never heard the music?

Debra: I can’t say I have.

Heidi: Wow. Well, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Debra: Thank you, ma’am. [ The music starts and Debra starts to perform, Go Go Go Joseph. ] Go, go, go Joseph. You know what they say. Hey now Joseph, you’ll make it someday. Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing just fine. You and your dreams are ahead of your time. Go, go, go.

[ Cut to the AGT audience cheering wildly and giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: You didn’t think he could sing, did you? You monster! And look at Howie Mandel. [ Cut to Howie looking overly surprised and joyous. ] It’s like he’s never seen this before. But he actually has, a lot. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’special has every moment.

[ Cut to Howie at the judges’ table. ]

Howie: So it says here that you were raised alone deep in the wilderness, like Jodie Foster’s character in that movie, “Nell”?

[ Cut to the contestant on stage in a nightgown. She is hunched over and waving her arms. ]

Wilderness Contestant: [ She speaks in a caveman like gibberish. ]

Howie: Great. We are you friends. Please. Make. Perform.

Wilderness Contestant: [ She sits on a stool and begins to sing, ‘Send in the Clowns’. ] Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? [ Cut to Heidi looking bewildered then back to the wilderness contestant. ] Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air. [ Cut to the judges looking surprised and pleased. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

Howie: What!!! This is crazy!!!

[ Cut back to the wilderness contestant. ]

Wilderness Contestant: Send in the clowns.

[ Cut to the AGT audience giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: And there goes the audience again. They genuinely didn’t see it coming. Even though they seen this guy, [ Cut to a man on stage. ] and this girl, [ Cut to a woman on stage. ] and even this. [ Cut to a dog on stage. ] And the moments just get more special. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

[ Cut to Simon at the judge’s table. ]

Simon: Oh dear, who are you?

[ Cut to Sheila on stage. She is standing next to her husband Levander who appears to be in a coma. ]

Sheila: My name is Sheila Block and this is my husband, Levander. He always wanted to audition, but he’s in a coma.

Simon: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. May I ask why did you bring him on stage?

Sheila: Well sir, I was hoping I could sing his song for him. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Simon: Certainly. It seems like something every normal person would do. Off you go.

[ The music starts for ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’. Sheila is dancing in place waiting for the cue, but instead Levander comes to life and begins to sing.]

Levander: Ain’t no mountain high. Ain’t no valley low. [ He takes off his hospital gown to reveal a sparkly outfit; Sheila also removes her dress to reveal a matching sparkly outfit. ] Ain’t no river wide enough baby. [ Cut to Howie screaming, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ then back to the couple singing on stage. ]

Sheila: If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far.

Sheila & Levander: Don’t worry baby.

Sheila: Just call my name. I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry. [ Two dancers start dancing behind the singing couple. ]

Sheila & Levander: ‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, babe.

[ Cut to the judges looking shocked and happy. Heidi is raising her hand. ]

[ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

Announcer: The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ Special. This Sunday at nine.

Benihana | Season 44 Episode 4

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill

Miss Lilly…..Leslie Jones

Tony…..Kenan Thompson

Jake…..Mikey Day

Waitress…..Kate McKinnon

Chef Gayle…..Heidi Gardner

[ Outside of a Benihana restaurant. ]

[ Cut to inside the Benihana Restaurant. Adam and Miss Lilly are seated at a teppan table with two other gentlemen, Jake and Tony. ]

Adam: Good evening fellas. Is this seat taken?

Tony: Um, no.

Adam: It’s a pleasure to join you both. My name is Adam Grossman, and I’m six years young. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] And this is my very lovely and very single nanny, Miss Lilly. And she must be from Jamaica because she’s makin’ me go to bed at eight tonight! But I understand the decision; I’m six! [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Hi. And I’m not from Jamaica.

Jake: Well, it’s very nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Jake, and this is Tony.

Adam: Well, well, well. There’s two of them Lil. I like your chances tonight. As for me, it looks like I’ll be spending another evening with my right hand and a sock. What, I’m making a sock pocket! I’m six years old. [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Let’s just calm down, Adam.

Adam: I’m only joking. Sheesh. Talk about a wet blankie; I love you to death. But sometimes you’re about as fun as apple slices for dessert. I’m kidding. She’s good people. We spend a lot of time together since my parents ivorced-day.

Tony: Oh, I’m sorry.

Adam: No! Don’t feel bad for me. I’m getting every kid’s dream. Two Chanukahs!

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?

Adam: A cup of joe for me, sweetheart, please. And I like my coffee like I like my nannies, black and bitter. I’m kidding. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I’ll take my fruit punch, neat. Always get your drink neat here, they try to load you up on the ice so they can bone you on the punch. It’s a racket.

Miss Lilly: I’ll have a glass of wine, please.

Waitress: You bet.

Adam: Okay, so I guess I’m driving home. I’m joking. Everything’s irie mon, drink all the red stripe you want.

Miss Lilly: I am not from Jamaica.

Adam: [ He starts to sing. ] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dep. You’re giving me nothing here. It feels like pulling teeth without a string. How about some Chef tricks? That’ll lighten the mood. Where’s Sooshin?

[ Chef Gayle walks over to the teppan table which is covered with shrimps. She has two spatulas in her hands. ]

Chef Gayle: Hey, I’m sorry little guy. Sooshin’s not working tonight. Dude got fired for stealing beef. [ She knocks a shrimp on the ground. ] But, Gayle has got you covered. [ She tosses a shrimp at Jake with her spatula, he tries to catch it with his mouth, but it flies straight over his head. ]

[ Jake and Tony lightly clap, Miss Lilly joins in. ]

Adam: Woof. No offense, Gayle. But I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that there is a Santa Claus and he wants nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll have to settle for small talk, so you two fellas celebrating something?

Tony: Well, actually, yes.

Jake: We both just got engaged.

Adam: Oh, mazel! Here’s some marriage advice for ya. Don’t do it!!! I’m kidding; I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] So what do I know? You’re both obviously a lot older than me. What are you, 11, 12?

Tony: I’m 37.

Adam: Wow, so I guess my next question is, what was Moses really like? I’m teasing! Hey, at least you’re not as old as Lilly here. You know her social security number is two!

Miss Lilly: Lord, help me. Help me.

Adam: No, really. Lilly is so old that in history class she just wrote down what she was doing.

Miss Lilly: Okay, Adam. Let’s just let the nice men enjoy their dinner, okay?

Adam: [ He sings really loud. ] One Love!!!! I’m kidding. Anyway, mazel on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll both marry two very lovely women. L’chaim.

Tony: Well, actually, we’re getting married to each other.

Adam: Okay. Record scratch. You’re doing what now?

Miss Lilly: I’m sorry, he’s probably just a little confused.

Adam: Ah! More like my mind is completely frickin’ blown! Two buddies getting married to each other, that’s genius! Wait till Eli here’s about this. He’s my best friend. We’ve been playdatin’ for years. And I love him dearly. Look he’s 3’5”, he’s got four teeth, he’s got the stickiest hands I’ve ever seen. But what can I say, I like to fix people.

Jake: That’s so cute.

Adam: Now, I gotta ask..who proposed to who? Cause I’m a top and Eli’s a bottom.

Miss Lilly: Adam!

Adam: Woah! I meant bunk beds. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I don’t even understand that double entendre.

Tony: Okay, maybe we should explain.

Adam: Hold that thought. I want to hear everything. But unfortunately right I have to make bumps. And Lilly, your ring’s off this time, unless you gotta fish one loose again. [ Lilly takes off her ring. ]

Miss Lilly: Would you believe that I have a four-year degree?

Adam: I have no idea what that means, but [ He begins to sing. ] Redemption song!