Tag: Kate McKinnon

Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn]

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump:  If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Family Feud: Oscar Nominees | Season 44 Episode 13

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Spike Lee… Don Cheadle

Glenn Close… Kate McKinnon

Sam Elliot… Beck Bennett

Olivia Colman… Cecily Strong

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

Bradley Cooper… Kyle Mooney

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Mahershala Ali…Chris Redd

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro with celebrities in the program set.]

Narrator: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Now, welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. I never won an Oscar. I do got an EGOT, as in he got a lot of buttons on this jacket. All our contestants today is up for Oscars. We got film veterans [Cut to team Veterams, who are Spike lee, Glenn Close, Sam Eliott and Olivia Colman] versus movie newbies [Cut to team Newbies, who are Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, Rami Malek and Mahershala Ali].

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

All right. We were gonna do a team of all black woman nominees, but Regina King is on vacation. On the veteran side, he’s nominated for director of “BlacKkKlansman”, Mr. Spike Lee.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You think you’re going to win, Spike?

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Come on, Steve, I bought season tickets to the New York Knicks every year for the past 25 years. You think I like winning?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh snap. You funny. You like a little Black Leprechaun. All right, next from “The Wife” is Glenn Close.

[Cut to Blenn Close]

Glenn Close: Don’t you touch me. You come here week after week with your lies and cheap suits. Pitting family against family. Well, guess what, Steve. I’m tired of feuding. I’m tired. I’m kidding. I’m very well. Thank you.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That was weird. I think you trying to get an Oscar for best performance on a game show. All right. Next, he is nominated for “A Star is Born”, Mr. Sam Elliott.

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Real nice to be here Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, what you going do if you win that Oscar Sam?

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Well, I’ll probably sell it and get my necks fixed. Damn thing won’t stand up right.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like a barbecue sauce commercial came to life. And from the movie “The Favor You Like” is some lady named Olivia Coleman.

[Cut to Olivia Coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Hi, actually “The Favorite”. It’s British. I’m Olivia. A very celebrated English actress. Played two queens– I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed at the moment. I’ve been celebrating my two Golden Globes. None of you know who the hell I am. I can do or say whatever I want. So I really love it. Oh, whee!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you are cheeky little crumpet. All right. Let’s go to the newbie side. She’s a singer nominated for best actress and she was named by a baby. It’s Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you. It is such an honor to be on the feud. If 99 people are surveyed, you just need one person to believe in you to win the game.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, I don’t think that’s how it works.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: It works if you dream it. [Starts singing]

[Bradley Cooper joins Lady Gaga]

Bradley Cooper: Isn’t she great?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bradley Cooper. What you doing on the newbie side?

[Cut to Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: He has to be with me. It’s a rule.

Bradley Cooper: I saw this woman at the Superbowl halftime show and had this wild idea. I thought, maybe she could play a singer.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you thinking outside the box. All right. Next, he’s nominated for “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Mr. Rami Malek. [Cut to Rami Malek. Rami has no expression.] Congratulations, Rami.

Rami Malek: Thanks. I’m so surprised.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you look surprised, player. Your eyeballs look like they ‘bout to make a run for it. And finally, he’s nominated for the ‘Green Book’, it’s Mahershala Ali.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: Wonderful to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I got a question about the last scene in your movie where the white guy teaches the black guy how to eat fried chicken.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: That wasn’t the last scene Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: It was for me. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s go.

[Lady Gaga and Spike Lee walks to the buzzer to start the game]

Lady Gaga: Spike, I adore your films. I’d love to be in one sometime.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Oh, that’s so nice. No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Everybody gotta look their best for the Oscars. Name something you do when you want to look sexy. [Lady Gaga hits the buzzer first] [Beeping] Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: I feel sexy when I’m on stage and I make the face of a lion that’s about to pounce. Like this.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Hmm, okay. Show me stroke face. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Not up there. Spike, you gotta answer.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: If I want to do sexy, I put on a romantic movie.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Oh, that’s nice. Like what?

Spike Lee: “Roots”.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me getting freaky to the wrong stuff. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing]Oh, it’s up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Number three answer. All right. Y’all got the board. [Cut to team Steve Harvey and team Veterans] Okay, Glen Close, something you do when you want to feel sexy.

Glenn Close: Don’t touch me. [Cut to Glenn Close] You want to know what’s sexy? A woman in her prime. A woman who has stories written in the lines of her face. You look right passed me. Don’t you? Well, one day you’re gonna look up and I will be long gone. I’m just kidding. Lingerie, maybe?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay, show me queuing up the scenery. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not there. I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] Sam Elliott, something you do to feel sexy.

Sam Elliott:  Well, [Cut to Sam Elliott] I can’t really say. Maybe I’ll put on a clean barn jacket and comb mustache.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: You know, I never thought that I would be intrigued by another man mustache, but that thing is a specimen. I’ll admit it. I have mustache envy. Show me bringing the white heat. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] All right. That’s two strikes. Let’s be a little careful. One more, the other team gets a chance to steal. Let’s go Olivia. Something that you do to feel sexy.

[Cut to Olivia coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Well, I am English. I suppose what’s sexy to us is a good cup of tea, flirty but polite answer and a couple of fingers in the bum. I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me Mary Poppins stopping that nonsense. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, not there either. All right. Oscar newbies, [Cut to Stever Harvey and team Oscar Newbies] you got a chance to steal. Give me some answers.

Mahershala Ali: Be real.

Bradley Cooper: Be Bradley Cooper?

Steve Harvey: All right, Gaga. You’re the team leader. [Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga] What do you do to feel sexy?

Lady Gaga: You know, it’s weird Steve. [Cut to Lady Gaga] I didn’t truly feel sexy until I started making music, then suddenly, I was selling records and dating all the time. I was like some miracle happened, I don’t know.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga]

Steve Harvey: Well, I think I do. Show me, she got rich. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing] Number one answer. [Cut to Steve Harvey] All right. Yeah, turn me into a sex symbol too. Let’s take a break. I gotta find me some extra security because I think Monique’s waiting for me in the parking lot. We’ll be right back.

 

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro]

[Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.]

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson:  I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!

Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo | Season 44 Episode 8

Zerco… Kenan Thompson

Khal Drogo… Jason Momoa

Hodor… Beck Bennett

High Sparrow… Pete Davidson

Brienne of Tarth… Heidi Gardner

Joffrey… Kate McKinnon

Olenna Tyrell… Aidy Bryant

[Intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Dothraki Public Access. Up next, Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal in a hut]

Zerco: Alright, welcome to Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo, where we talk to some of the hundreds of characters of  Game of Thrones who have been killed off the show. I am Zerco, bloodwriter to the great Khal himself. Khal, how are you feeling tonight?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] Hmm.

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Alright. So, Khal is not the biggest talker but he’s a cool dude when you get to know him. Do you know any fun plans for the weekend Khal?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] [Talking in Dothraki language, subtitle says “I will kill the men in iron suits and tear their stone houses”]

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Cool. Co-co-co-co-cool. Very cool. Very chill. Hey, you mind closing your legs just a little bit there Khal? Ever heard of the term man spreading?

[Khal takes his knife out and stabs Zerco twice]

You never know how fast they’ll kill off a character! [Zerco dies. But then, he stands again] And I’m back. Revived by a witch. All right. Let’s start the show and meet our first guest, our first ghost. He sacrificed his life to save Brandon and Mira. Pease welcome, Hodor!

[Cut to Hodor coming in and sits in the middle]

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: Who you?

Hodor: Hodor

Khal Drogo: Why?

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: What’d you do?

Hodor: Hodor.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Okay, great combo. Thanks for stopping by, Hodor. Really glad that we got you two together. [Cut to everybody. Hodor walks towards the door] Hey, would you mind holding the door for our next guest?

Hodor: Hold the door? Hold the door! Hold the door! Hodor!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Yeah, thanks, Hodor.

Hodor: [Cut to Khal and Hodor] Oh, please, yeah, no trouble at all.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] All right. Our next guest is a religious Zealot who led the face of the Seven until he got exploded. Please welcome the high sparrow.

High Sparrow: [Cut to High Sparrow comes in and Hodor leaves] Can I just ask where I am?

Zerco: Well, you’re in the Dothraki world.

High Sparrow: [Cut to Zerco and High Sparrow] Oh, like horse heaven? So glad I gave up sex for 50 years.

Khal Drogo: [Cut to everybody] I sex when I want with ever I want. Many, many partners.

High Sparrow: And we both ended up in the same heaven! It almost makes you question religion.

Zerco: Well, hey, I mean you ran that whole team. You were almost like a king.

Khal Drogo: You think you like king? [Khal carries a container of molten gold and pours it on High Sparrow’s head]

High Sparrow: I didn’t mean to offend you.

Khal Drogo: Shout for king!

High Sparrow: You ruined my potato sack!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow. Okay. Well, I actually need to save a little bit of that molten gold to make a friendship bracelet, but no worries, I guess.

Brienne: [Cut to everybody. Brienne comes in with a sword in her hand] Is there a danger? Where are the stark children? Arya, Sansa, the cripple in the sled.

Zerco: Wait, Brienne of Tarth? Are you even dead? I mean, the show’s been out for so long, I’m honestly asking.

Brienne: I have sworn [Cut to Brienne and Khal] a blood oath to find and protect the Stark children wherever they be.

Khal Drogo: [Speaks in Dothraki language. Subtitle says, “If this man wants to fight I will give him what he wants”]

Brienne: Man? wow, you have a lot to learn about identity politics.

Khal Drogo: You’re right. Khal needs to learn from Khal’s mistakes or Khal never wins Oscar. Khal never holds Oscar.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow, what a teachable moment, yeah. Now a quick word from our sponsors.

[Commercials start playing]

Narrator: Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo is brought to you by Little Beard Twisties. Want to keep your beard neat but still loose and crazy? Little Beard Twisties. And remember the red wedding? Well, that venue is now open for your wedding. What are the odds of it happening twice? We’ve cleaned up almost all of the blood and hired a new wedding planner. Dothraki Wardrobe provided by dead horses. When a horse dies, you wear it. And if you like elf on a shelf, ready for Khal On The Wall. He knows when you’ve been naughty and he’ll kill you.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal]

Zerco: Okay, we are back. And Khal is just eating rib, which means it’s time for our final guest. He’s the worst and everyone’s glad he’s dead. Please welcome, King Joffrey!

[Joffrey walks in] [Cut to everybody]

Joffrey: Go ahead and boo me. I love it. You’re all just mad that you’re not me. But catch me outside! I said catch me outside!

Zerco: Man, you are just despised.

Joffrey: They think they cannot handle all of this. I feed off the haters.

Zerco: Alright, now, Joffrey, you were poisoned to death, correct?

Joffrey: Perhaps, whatever.

Zerco: Well, what if I told you that the woman who poisoned you is here tonight? Olenna Tyrell, get out here!

Olenna: Oh, I know you, you son of a bitch. [Olenna and Joffrey start fighting] I’m about to kill you again Justin Bieber!

Zerco: We got to break this up. We got to break this up. [Zerco stops their fight] [Cut to Zerco] Let’s take a break. When we come back, we will see the results of our big makeover. Here’s what Oberyn Martell looked like after the Mountain gouged out his eyes and crushed his skull. [Picture of Oberyn’s face when Mountain crushed his eyes in the Game of Thrones series] And here’s what he looks like now. [Oberyn comes in with sunglasses on. Disco music stars playing and Oberyn starts dancing] Right here on Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney in his set]

Kyle Mooney: And, hey, stay tuned after the show for “Talking Dojo”, where we dissect everything that just happened in the Ghost Dojo.

[Khal Drogo appears in Kyle Mooney’s set]

Khal Drogo: No more after shows! [Khal stabs Kyle with his knife] Best death ever!

 

An Extra Christmas Carol | Season 44 Episode 8

Ebenezer Scrooge… Mikey Day

Extra Spirit … Jason Momoa

Mr. Crutchett… Beck Bennett

Mrs. Crutchett… Heidi Gardner

Tiny… Kate McKinnon

[Opens a story book and narrators starts telling the Christmas story]

Narrator: And so Mr. Scrooge was shown the errors of his ways by three spirits, the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. The following morning he was a changed man.

[Cut to Scrooge sleeping on his bed. Mrs. Dilber comes in from the door with morning tea for Scrooge]

Ebenezer Scrooge: Tell me what day it is Mrs. Dilber?

Mrs. Dilber: Why, it’s Christmas day sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Then I haven’t missed it.

Mrs. Dilber: Are you quite yourself sir?

Ebenezer Scrooge: I hope not! It’s Christmas Day! [Scrooge goes to the window] Merry [Cut to Scrooge shouting out of the window] Christmas, Everyone! [Spirit with Christmas coat on comes in from the door with smokes and clouds]

Extra Spirit: Christmas tidings Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge shocked] Who are you?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to spirit walking in] I’m a spirit, Ebenezer.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Marley told me there were only to be three spirits. Are you some sort of extra spirit?

Extra Spirit: Exactly, I’m so much more extra!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge confused] I have seen my past, present and future. What is left for you to show me?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Maybe this. Watch. [Spirit gets behind the bed curtains and starts dancing flirty and feminine.]

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] Okay. The other ghosts helped me to transform from a stingy miser into a giving, loving man. What lesson did I gain from that?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit] Seriously? You should be like, “Boy, why are you so extra?”

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] I mean, I had a long night so maybe that’s why I’m not getting it?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] It’s fine. I think I know what you need. [Spirits opens his Christmas coat and inside he I wearing glowing shiny tiny cape. Spirit starts stripping flirty and feminine] So?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Are you sure you have the right address?

Extra Spirit: Oh, come on! [Cut to Spirit] I’m being very extra for you and you’re not getting it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] You took off a cape and had another cape on underneath. What’s to get?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit] It’s called a reveal, you fat head.

[Cut to Spirit and Scrooge. Mrs. Dilber comes in with other three people]

Mrs. Dilber: Mr. Scrooge, the Crutchette family are here.

Extra Spirit: Don’t worry. They won’t see me. I’m a ghost.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, my good fella, come in. Happy Christmas.

Mr. Crutchett: Happy Christmas. What’s gotten into Mr. Scrooge?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob, I want to give you something. This is your Christmas bonus.

Mrs. Crutchett: [Cut to three Crutchette family] Bonus? How incredibly kind of you.

Mr. Crutchett: Thank Mr. Scrooge, Tiny.

Tiny: Thank you Mr. Scrooge. If I’m not so bold to ask, who is this well built ghost who’s been so extra?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Thank you! See, Tiny Tim gets it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: So they can see you?

Extra Spirit: Yeah, I guess so.

Tiny: [Cut to three Crutchette family] You’re always as extra as Christmas itself, with all it’s Tinsel and Goose dinners.

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Tiny, Spirit and Scrooge] You know what? Let me give it one last try because I think Scrooge might almost be there.

[Spirit throws away his pants and inside he’s wearing shiny underwear. Spirit starts stripping flirty and feminine]

[Tiny walks up front, throws his crutch and starts dancing]

Mr. Crutchett: Tiny, you can walk!

Tiny: Now, give me that bonus money! There’s something I need to do! Yes!

Extra Spirit: Twerk with me, Tiny Tim! Twerk with my Scrooge!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, yes, I see it now. Yes!

[Cut to the story book. The book ends]

Trump Argentina Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 7

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen

[Donald is sleepless at night and is standing in the hallway. Melania comes to call Donald to sleep]

Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.

Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.

Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?

Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.

Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.

Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.

Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?

Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.

Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.

[Melania goes to bath]

Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?

[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]

Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]

Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.

Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.

Donald Trump: And the bad news?

Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.

Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.

Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.

Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.

[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]

Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call?  Someone who I know will always answer.

[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]

Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.

Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.

Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.

Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.

Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.

Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.

Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?

Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.

Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.

Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.

Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.

Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.

Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.

Michael Cohen: They seized the records.

Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?

Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.

Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.

Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?

Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.

[Cut to Donald]

God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?

Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]

] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.

Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.

[Prince comes in]

Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!

Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.

Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!

Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.

Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?

Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?

Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day!

[Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.

Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.

Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump  was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”

[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]

Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!

Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.

Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.

[Vladimir and Prince leave]

Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is

[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth I’m very guilty

Some little no-nos and maybe treason

But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t

[Everyone comes into the screen singing]

Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina

Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him

Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days

Rudy: My mad existence

Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt

Everybody: And we’re all witches

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Netflix Commercial | Season 44 Episode 7

Ruth… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Claire Foy

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[NETFLIX commercial playing]

Narrator: This holiday season give the gift of NETFLIX and enjoy streaming shows like [Cut to small clip from Stranger Things, The Crown and Making a Murderer] “Stranger Things,” “The Crown,” and “Making a Murder.” And in 2019 we’ll have even more programming to choose from because we’ve gone crazy! That’s right. [Showing thumbnails of many series in NETFLIX interface] We’re spending billions of dollars and making every show in the world. Our goal is the endless scroll. By the time you reach the bottom of our menu, there’s new shows at the top. And thus the singularity will be achieved. How we doing it? Simple. We buy everything. Here’s a look at one of our actual pitch meetings.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi in NETFLIX office giving presentation of her show] So this show is about a girl named Jimmy.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day with a pile of money on his desk accepting Heidi Gardner’s show]Yes, here’s money. Go, make it.[Throwing money at Heidi]

Narrator: We’re even buying stuff from ourselves. We love [Cut to clips from movie, The Crown] Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth so much, we’re sending her back to high school.

Claire Foy: [Claire Foy in high school] I’m in over my crown!

Narrator: It’s “Saved By The Crown.” We’ve got so many shows. Even we haven’t seen them all. Like “Kenny Meat Depot.” It’s been on for three seasons, and only one woman watches it.

Ruth: Hello. I’m Ruth, and I love “Kenny Meat Depot.”

Mikey Day: Thanks, Ruth.

Narrator: And hey. We still got movies, thousands of them — 12 of which you want to watch.

Mikey Day: We even made all the fake movies from “Entourage.”

Narrator: Betty Ian and Queen’s Boulevard. And we got reboots. Like our dark take on “Sabrina,” then you’ll love our “Greedy Family Matters” reboot.

Officer Winslow.

Chris Redd: Oh, la la my pet. [Kenan is drinking liquor from the bottle. He looks at Christ Redd] I love you.

[Kenan points a gun on Chris’ head]

Kenan Thompson: Get the fuck out of my house!

[Chris runs out of the house. Kenan shoots on the ceiling of his house]

Why did I do that?

Narrator: But don’t worry, we also got that comedy, like comedians in cars getting coffee or Leslie Jones in a van getting batteries.

Leslie Jones: [Leslie speaking out of her van’s window] Let’s go get some DURACELL. [Leslie is driving. She hits something] Oh, man, I think I hit that dude on the bike! [Leslie is driving away from the cops]

Narrator: It will take 12 human lifetimes to watch all of our content.  So start watching now.

Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks]

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]

Good Morning Goomah | Season 44 Episode 7

Gina Barbarosa… Kate McKinnon

Sandy Dentista… Claire Foy

Marian Perillo… Aidy Bryant

Tony… Pete Davidson

[TV show intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Staten Island cable.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy sitting on a couch of their set]

Gina Barbarosa: It’s 8 AM in Woodrow, Staten Island which means you’re watching “Good morning Goomah.” As always, I’m Gina Barbarosa.

Sandy Dentista: And I am waiting for him to call. I kid. I’m Sandy Dentista.

Gina Barbarosa: And to all the Goomahs watching at home, welcome to the worst month of the year.

Sandy Dentista: December. O

Gina Barbarosa: The holidays.

Sandy Dentista: When he has to see the family.

Gina Barbarosa: Because Christmas is for wives but you know in your heart he loves you just as much because say it with me—

Gina Barbarosa and Sandy Dentista: You do things the wife would never do!

Sandy Dentista: Look what he got me. Is that just fabulous?

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Sandy Dentista: He says it was an apartment ring because I’m not allowed to wear it outside of the apartment.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, okay. So trust me, today is jewelry, tomorrow he’s going to be eating with you in public. I can’t. I can’t

Sandy Dentista: Okay, so now it’s time for an advertisement.

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, let’s get going. Today’s episode is brought to you by Virginia slim’s extra long.

Sandy Dentista: They’re 30% longer because what do you have to do all day?

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, we have a real exciting one today. [Someone presses the door buzzer] Okay, here we go.

Sandy Dentista: Every time.

Speaker on the door: Hello! Leave my husband alone. Do you hear me?

Sandy Dentista: Just got to wait it out.

Speaker on the door: Is this the super? There is a whore living in this building. Dentista, Sandy, whore! 2C, whore.

Gina Barbarosa: Remember, he has to go home to that.

Sandy Dentista: Please, I’m immune. He still uses condoms with that, that one. Oh, the storm passed.

Gina Barbarosa: We’re fine.

Sandy Dentista: Okay, our first guests is Bobby Valico’s her Goomah. Marian Perillo.

[Marian Perillo walks in with a little puppy]

Marian Perillo: Oh, hey sandy, hey Gina.

Sandy Dentista: Hey! Oh, nice little dog. It’s nice to have you on. I hear Bobby’s very happy. But I have to ask you, what happened to the old Goomah?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Oh well, you didn’t hear it from me, but she’s called the house.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: No! Was she sick?

Sandy Dentista: When your man gets home before things get romantic, does he say hello?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Never. No, I never get a hello.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: And by romantic, we do mean getting pulverized from the back.

Sandy Dentista: Of course, the only way.

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Yes, of course, face to face is for—

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: The wives!

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Sandy Dentista: Oh, my god! Tony is here.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh my god. I told you he’d come. Oh my god.

[Tony comes in from the door. Sandy stands up and walks behind Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Hey, Tony darling! So good to see you, baby cakes.

Tony: You got orange juice?

[Cut to Sandy and Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Of course I do Tony darling. It’s on the table.

Tony: On the table? So it’s hot! You got a hot orange juice. You don’t have cold orange juice? You don’t have ice cubes in it? What the hell?

Sandy Dentista: No Tony. Please, Tony.

Tony: No Tony this, no Tony that! How about this, no Tony!

[Tony walks to the door]

Sandy Dentista: What I got to do. All I do is love you.

Tony: Then get me some cold orange juice! [Tony throws some money to Sandy and storms out]

Sandy Dentista: Why are you so perfect?

Gina Barbarosa: [Cut to Gina] I mean And that’s all for this week on “Good Morning Goomah.”  [Sandy comes and sits beside Gina] I’m Gina Barbarosa, and remember, wait it out.

Sandy Dentista: He’s only with her for the kids.