Kenan Thompson Archives - Page 49 of 60

Ventriloquist

Announcer… Alex Moffat

Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge]

[applause]

Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.

[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.]

[applause]

Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]

Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?

Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.

[Cut to audience laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.

Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.

[Cut to audience laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.

Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?

Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.

Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: I’m sorry?

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.

Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.

Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.

Chippy: Just let me go!

[audience booing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]

Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.

Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.

[music playing]

You say potato and I say potahto.

Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.

Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]

[Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

[Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!

[singing]

There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.]

[Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls]

[Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy]
Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep]

[Cheers and applause]

Airline Pilots

Captain Hitnart… Mikey Day

First Officer Newton… Harry Styles

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Hitnart: Good afternoon folks. This is captain Hitnart in the flight Deck, joined by first officer Newton.

Newton: Howdy, folks.

Hitnart: We reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to go head and turn off the fasten the seat-belt sign. Computer saying we’ll have you in San Francisco just a hair past 3. For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. Thanks for flying, Jet Blue. [Captain turns off the mic and they start talking to each other.] So, as I was saying, I need to get laid. I’m very backed up.

Newton: Me too. These pipes be clogged sir. I saw an old Scooby Do episode on the airport TV and Daphne was getting me hot.

Hitnart: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’ll bet Velma had a tight little body under that big sweater, right?

Newton: You bet she does.

[Cut to the passengers listening to their conversation]

Hitnart: You know Velma and Shaggy were banging. Imagine Scooby at the end of the bed watching. [Speaking like Scooby-Doo] “Raggy, what are rooing?” [Speaking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo] “Uh, nothing, Scoob. Me and Velma are just wrestling.”

Newton: God, I need to get laid.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: What the hell are they talking about?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: Yeah, hi, please stop talking. Your intercom button’s still on and the passengers heard all of that.

Hitnart: Oh, thank you. Dammit! Uh, hey, folks. On behalf of Jet Blue, I’d like to apologize for the adult chat you just heard. A button on our intercom broke. Just one of the many small electronic problems you run into on a very old plane like this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: A very old plane?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: All right, calling the plane old didn’t go over well with the passengers. You might want to settle their nerves.

Newton: Oh, man, thanks. You’re an A+ flight attendant.

Bowen: I’m not a flight attendant, I’m a sky liaison.

Hitnart: Okay.

Newton: Here, I’ll take this one.

Hitnart: Okay.

Hitnart: Howdy, gang. First officer Newton here. This plane is just fine. We spoke with an engineer at the Apple Bees Bar right before the flight, and he said this plane is good for a few more trips.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: They were at the bar? These perverts were drinking?

Aidy: Hey, not as much as me, ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Hey, folks, just realized that bar comment might have made you think we were drinking before the flight. No, sir-ree. I do not drink. It messes with all the medications I’m on.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god. We’re going to die. And you, [Taling to the puppy] you are doing jack ass to make me feel better.

Aidy: Hey, lady, you’re freaking screaming.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: How are you not freaking out right now?

Kenan: Because I took xanax baby, I’m hakuna matata.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Anyway, we want to tell you about Jet Blue’s featured in flight movie.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why do they keep saying Jet Blue? This is not Jet Blue flight. B

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: This month’s featured movie is Teen Comedy Book Smart. Fun for the whole family.

Newton: Maybe not the whole family. There’s some lesbian stuff in there, but I don’t think you see them going down on each other or anything. Whoa, whoa! I shouldn’t have said going down, cause it might make you think of the plane going down. Which it won’t, until we land safely in San Diego.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: But, this plane is supposed to go to San Francisco. Baby, give me a Xanax.

Kenan: I wish I could, but no.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: All right, that’s it from the flight deck. So, sit back, relax and sit back. Sit black? What dows that mean? Sit black. Sit there and start rapping in your seat or something like—[Cut to Kenan and Ego acting confused] Sorry if that was racially insensitive. I did not mean it that way. [Cut to cockpit] You know what, from now until Christmas, nonwhites fly free on Jet Blue. That’s not real. I just made that up. So, sit black—Whoa, said it again. Book smart! Enjoy the flight. Oh, okay. Looks like we’ve got some choppy air. [Cut to the passengers] Go ahead and turn on the fasten the seatbelt sign. Yep, there you go.

[The plane is facing turbulence]

[Cut to the passengers]

Ego: Oh, my god!

Kenan: Hakuna matata, baby!

Lunch Run

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Rob… Harry Styles

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a video clip of a commercial building]

Kenan: I’ve got to say. I think it’s a done deal. So, fingers crossed.

[Cut to inside the office]

Heidi: Okay, everybody. The contracts are officially signed.

[Everybody is celebrating]

[Cut to Heidi and Rob]

So, lunch is on the company today. And our new intern, Rob from the UK, is going to pick it up. Thank you, Rob.

Rob: No problem.

Heidi: So, where are we going? Any suggestions?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: There is a new Thai place that’s supposed to be good.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Or, how about pizza? That’s always fun to share.

[Cut to Heidi and Rob]

Rob: Sorry, can I make a suggestion?

Heidi: Sure.

Rob: Cool. I thought I could get us all those new chicken sandwiches from Popeye’s.

[Cut to Kenan. He is staring at Rob.]

Kenan: From where now?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: From Popeye’s. They don’t have one in England but it’s just like KFC, right?

[Cut to Kenan.]

Kenan: No. No, it’s not.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Either way, I thought I could go there by myself and get like 15 chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Ego staring at Rob.]

Ego: By yourself? So, what you want to go to a Popeye’s alone in the middle of the lunch rush, then buy up all the chicken sandwiches?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Yes. That’s the plan.

[Cut to Kenan.]

Kenan: Is there even a Popeye’s around here?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Sure. I found one just down the street on Frederick Douglass Boulevard.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan staring at Rob]

Kenan: Did you say Frederick Douglass Boulevard?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Yes. It’s right between the liquor store and the foot locker.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan staring at Rob. Ego stands.]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Sounds great. I love chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Heidi and Rob]

Heidi: Sure, I’m down. I heard their chicken sandwich was so popular that they were out of them for three months.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yeah. And when people discovered that they didn’t have any left, they didn’t like it.

[Cut to Kenan.]

Kenan: Man, they went crazy.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: I’ll be fine. But I hear there’s a line out the door every afternoon. I’m sure they’ll just let me cut. I’ll just go in and say, “Give me every chicken sandwiches you have, I’m in a hurry.”

[Cut to Ego looking at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Do you really think you can do that?

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Absolutely. Don’t worry. Even though I’m just an intern, I get things done. I don’t mind yelling if I need to. Even if the cashier is a woman.

[Cut to Chris (Cleaner) staring at Rob]

Chris: I don’t even know you but I don’t think I can let you do this.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Rob, at least take me with you. You can’t carry all that food.

[Cut to Rob]

Rob: No way. I’m the intern and it is my job. And I can hold a lot of sandwiches. I’ll just wear my big backpack and my long coat.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Both: No.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Okay, you gonna die.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Okay, look. I’ve got to level with you. There are not many things in this country [Cut to Kenan and Rob] where our people get first dibs but the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich, that’s one of them.

Rob: Okay.

Ego: It’s like, [Cut to everybody] you have to take a step back on this one. Alright? Imagine if I went to a whole foods and bought up all those white claw seltzers you all like.

[Cut to Heidi staring at Ego]

Heidi: That’s just selfish.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: You see? You see that reaction right there? Imagine that times a million.

Chris: We cannot put you in the middle of that situation like that.

[Cut to Kenan and Rob]

Rob: Sorry. I’m going. I have to.

Kenan: Don’t.

Rob: I have to.

Announcer: Jordan Peele presents White Get Out, starring Harry Styles as intern Robert E. Lee. Now available on Disney Plus.

SNL Host Harry Styles and Kenan Enjoy the Magic of Fall

Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

[Starts with Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles walking in the SNL studio.]

Kenan: Ah, man! Welcome back to studio. Man, this is going to be fun.

Harry: Thank you, Kenan. I’m very, very excited to be back at SNL. [Cut to Harry Styles] I’m going to be some characters. I’m going to sing. I’m pretty much down for anything.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Anything?

Harry: Anything. [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles] What do you have in mind?

Kenan: Well, there’s only kind of one thing I want to do right now.

Harry: What is it?

Kenan: Would you like to enjoy the magical fall with me?

Harry: I would love to enjoy the magical fall with you. What do you have in mind?

[Kenan points at a direction. Harry Styles looks at it and smiles.]

[There is a pile of maple leaves in the studio]

Harry: Classic full fun!

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson run towards the leaves]

[Music playing]

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson are playing with the maple leaves]

Harry: Yes, what a magical time, huh?

Kenan: I love fall. Do you guys celebrate Thanksgiving?

Harry: No, not really.

[Sound of blower]

[The cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: You guys need to clear out, I need to clean the studio.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Kenan: What?

Cleaner: You guys need to leave.

Harry: Yes, leaves. We love leaves.

Kenan: Yes, yes. That’s what this is about.

[Cut to the cleaner]

Cleaner: You guys need to go home.

[cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Harry: Happy holidays, sir.

Kenan: I love being around.

[Cut to the cleaner]

Cleaner: Okay, I’m calling the security.

[cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Kenan: Yes, I understood that one.

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson leave]

That’s the Game

Quan… Chris Redd

Dante… Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

[Starts with people smuggling packages and counting money in a warehouse.]

Quan: Wrap that package. Alright man, we gotta move this out for tonight.

Dante: Quan, how come I didn’t know nothing about this shipment coming in?

Quan: Maybe that’s because that’s not your concern anymore, Dante. It’s my operation now.

Dante: You cutting me out? I thought we were partners, man. 50-50.

Quan: If we was partners, then why were you acting like the boss? Huh?

Dante: You think you can run this whole thing without me?

[Harry and Mikey who are beside Quan pull guns on Dante]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Nothing personal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Just business.

Quan: That’s a game, bruh. [Cut to Quan] Don’t trip. I’m gonna run it just like you did. Got ya coke. Ya heroin from Mexico. Move it to the stash house. Guess what I’m gonna do next.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Suppose you’re going to sell it.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Exactly. Who do you think I’m going to sell it to?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You the king, you tell me.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You’re damn right I’m the king! But say I wasn’t yet, and you were. Who would you call to sell the drugs and what’s the guy’s name?

[Silence]

[Mikey and Harry are confused]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: If I was still the king, I’d put a bullet in your goddamn head.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then after that, who is the guy you would sell the drugs to and what’s his number and what’s a good time to call him?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: For real?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Bitch, I just asked you, who would you call? How much would you charge? How would you sell it? What’s his number? And where do you get those little plastic baggies you put the drugs in?

[Silence]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, do you know what you’re doing?

[Cut to Harry, Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Yeah, yo. And besides, product this pure, sells itself.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Not really.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yo, says you. Man, look at this heroin, bruh!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s cocaine.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: It’s the same thing.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: It’s not though.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I know that, fool. I’m saying it’s like the same thing pricewise.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: No, it’s not.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Enough, okay! Look, I got so much of this junk right here, I could give it away and still make bank. [Quan throws the pack up]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yep, that’s a loose pack.

[all the cocaine falls on Quan]

[Cut to Harry, Mikey and Quan]

Quan: Oops, guess I’m out a hundred bucks.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: A hundred bucks? That’s like 30 grand.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: A-ah. [Looks at Mikey] Sweep that up. Sweep that up.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, I admire your hustle, man.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Thank you kindly.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: But you didn’t know the game bruh.

[Cut to everybody]

Quan: Oh, I don’t know the game? I don’t know the game? [Quan takes his gun out] Bitch, I live this game— [All the bullets fall out from his gun] goddammit.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yo, you hit the wrong button on that.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s okay. All it takes is one bullet.

[Quan puts in the bullet from the front of the gun’s barrel]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: That is not how that goes.

[Cut to Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Here, screw this in for me.

Mikey: Yo, you can’t screw in a bullet.

Quan: Yes, you can.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, you are not ready for this.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I was born ready for this.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, so you got a lawyer sitting up shell companies to hide the cash.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I’m calling one right now.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Not on your personal phone though, right?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Nah.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: And you know about supply side economics.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Word.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You can flood the market, after all.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Right, right. ‘Cause of, uh—

[Quan tries to copy what Dante is saying]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Then you gotta weigh earnings against overhead.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Ooh, it is hot in here.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Of course, you gotta project seasonality in market trends. Right? [Cut to Quan getting confused with all the technical stuffs] So, even though it’s quarter four right now, you’re setting up for quarter two of next year. And you’ve got cops on the pay roll. Let them bust a little bit of the stash, a little in they pockets. [Quan loses his focus] And of course, you gotta figure out a way to get right with the Irs. Right? Get ready to make all the payoffs to the lawyers—Quan? Quan!

Quan: What?

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Go that handled, right, Quan?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: ‘Cause you know, if you need the help I could see about coming back on maybe a part-time basis.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Listen to this fool.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah. Bitch, you out.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Or maybe he’s in!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Dude—

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You know, help with the transition and all that. But it ain’t gonna be no 50-50 split this time.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Oh, I know. ‘Cause I’m taking 80%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You tripping’, dog.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, 100%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

Harry: What?

Quan: But I’m still the king.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: No.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal. But I get to go to the meetings and all of that.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Nope.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Bruh!

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: So I guess we back in business then. Clean this mess up. [Dante leaves]

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Quan!

[Cut to Quan and MIkey]

Mikey: Yo, what just happened?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s just the game, dog. [Quan pulls up his gun but his bullets fall again] Goddammit.

Mikey: You pushin’ the button.

Quan: I ain’t pushing no button!

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe]

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

[Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody]

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony

Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium]

[Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.