Tag: season 42

Weekend Update David Ortiz on Yankee Stadium

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week, Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

[cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yay! Yay! Yay! Wow! Ke pasa contigo el, Jost.

Colin Jost: Hey, you know, mas o menos yuste?

David Ortiz: Shut up. Man, we already gotta deal with the team cane, man!

Colin Jost: That’s fair. Now Big Poppy, what do you think you’ll miss most about playing at Yankee stadium?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: You know, out of all the things if I had to pick one thing, I’ll probably say lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’ll miss lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right, man. Big Stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium Jost?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita, sobade es spaghetti, e hochadogo hamo. It’s like a sweet milky ham drink.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: My god.

David Ortiz: Yeah, man.

Colin Jost: It’s delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.

David Ortiz: Oh, that’s right man. Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box. I open it up, big lunch. [Cut to David Ortiz] Inside there was mofongo, ado comfeti tale, chi cha londe beef steak, ewasa kaka cokeso frito, and then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. And do you know what you’re going to do at the end of the season?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah bro. I endorsements.

Colin Jost: What? Like, you do endorsements?

David Ortiz: No, no, no, no. I endorse mints. [Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a big ‘Mints’ written at the bottom.] Mints. You want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes? Reach for mints. It’s like brushing your teeth but with sugar. 5 out of 5 dentists say, “Oh-oh!” With Mints. Yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s just like a general ad for mints?

David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But I do specific brands too.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Okay.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah. Did you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for Hepsi. [logo of Hepsi appears at the bottom of the screen] It’s the only soda pop that’s also a liquid acidity. So when people ask, “You got Hep?”, yo can tell them ,”Si.” With Hepsi.  Yay! Yay!

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I got a new transportation app too, man.

Colin Jost: A transportation app?

David Ortiz: That’s right. It’s called Lift.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a logo of Lift at the bottom of the screen]

Do you need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man! Coz I’m not driving you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, that’s an app?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! But I know what you’re thinking. What if I can’t get direction? Yes? Yes?

Colin Jost: Um, no. I was not thinking that. No.

David Ortiz: Well, then you should try SeeAlice.

Colin Jost: SeeAlice?

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz.]

David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your back? Go see Alice.

[SeeAlice logo appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Yeah. It’s a girl Alice that I know, man. She’s very pretty. And if she can’t get you aroused, I think it’s broke, bro!

Colin Jost: Big Poppy, everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah, you better miss me, Yankees.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of athletes kneeling at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many black athletes have come under fire for following Colin Kaepernick’s lead in kneeling during the National anthem.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, but I don’t understand that.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: If the national anthem was so important, how did they know somebody was kneeling? How did they even notice? That’s how boring national anthem is. Halfway through it, you’re looking around the stadium like, “I wonder what the backup quarterback for the 49 is up to.” I don’t get it.

Colin Jost: I love the national anthem. You know?

Michael Che: Of course you do. You’re white.

Colin Jost: No, no. I’m saying I like it coz it’s the only song I can dance to. [Michael Che laughing] No, it just has choreography white people can handle. [Colin Jost puts his hand on chest and lower it repeatedly.] Just like the step one of the Macarena. You know?

Michael Che: How are you single? [Cut to Michael Che] It’s mostly white guys that are upset, you know? And I can understand why white guys love the national anthem so much. Because this country has always been great for white guys. You absolutely should defend the national anthem. If I was white, I’d always defend the national anthem. I expect white guys to defend the national anthem like I expected Phylicia Rashād to defend Bill Cosby. I’m sure when people were protesting the Cosby show, Clay Huskin was like, “I don’t know what he did to y’all, but the nigga made me rich.” And I’m sure it’s an inconvenient time to bring up such a heavy issue during a football game, but it’s a protest. It’s supposed to be inconvenient. That’s the whole point of a protest. It’s just like you at home and your girl’s mad at you and you just want to unwind and watch the game and she walks right in front of the TV and stands there and goes, “We need to talk.” And you’re like, “Now? The game’s on.” And she goes, “Honey, you shot another kid?” That’s what Kaepernick’s doing. [Colin Jost laughing] Besides, listen, Kaepernick is not the only one trying to raise awareness during the football game for sad cause. They’re turning uniforms pink for breast cancer tomorrow and nobody is upset about that. I bet if the police went around shooting unarmed boobies, everybody would take a knee.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Thoughts?

Colin Jost: [laughing] I think you just said unarmed boobies.

Michael Che: Well, yeah.

Colin Jost: [laughing] On the lighter side of things, [Michael Che laughing] now, once again weekend update presents…

Michael Che: [laughing] TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd in his dressing room]

TheWeeknd: [looks at the camera] I got a haircut.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: This has been the Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a museum at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The national museum of African American History opened on the Washington Mall this week and it gives a detailed account of black history in the US. Or for a different version of black history, give my grandpa a scotch.

[Colin Jost takes a deep breath]

Michael Che: On, now you on my side? [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to a spider and Australian flag.]

Colin Jost: A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once”, said the guy who had to suck out the poison.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shaking hands at left to corner.]

Well. [cheers and applause] Hey. [Michael Che laughing] Well, the first presidential debate is over and it’s official, we still have to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. It’s like choosing a phone right now. [Picture changes to a hand holding a phone] There’s really only two options. We don’t want the iPhone 7 [picture changes to Hillary Clinton] coz it feels like it’s kind of being forced on us, also it’s not necessarily an improvement. But also, we don’t want the Samsung Galaxy [Picture changes to Donald Trump] which could explode at any minute.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I don’t even know what I expect to learn from this debate. It’s like when you wake up hungry and there’s nothing in your fridge, but you check again twenty minutes later as if something good is gonna magically appear, but nope! Just tang and prunes.

Colin Jost: [laughing] It’s a weird fridge.

Michael Che: [laughing] It didn’t feel like I was watching a debate. It felt like I was watching a divorced couple fight for custody of a kid that hates them both. [audience laughing] It’s kind of like Brad and Angelina [Picture changes to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie] but if Brand Pitt only wanted to keep the white kids.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Colin Jost: And look, I gotta say, I did debate in high school and it was way more sophisticated than whatever that was. I never got stumped in a high school debate and blurred it out, “Yeah, well Rosie O’Donnell is still a bitch!” And this is got to be a first presidential debate in history where afterwards people were genuinely asking, “Were they on drugs?”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, speaking of drugs, Donald Trump was criticized for suggesting a nation wide stoping frisk.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: And of course, Donald Trump is for it because Donald Trump would never be stopped and frisked. You know, they only stop and frisk people like me, okay? And that’s why it’s not fair. Granted, if you stop and frisk everybody that looks like me, you’re gonna find a lot of drugs. [audience laughing] But! If you stop and frisk everybody that looks like Colin, you’re gonna find better drugs!

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: You know? I had fun.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

The consensus after the debate was that Hillary won but Donald Trump went online and found some weird internet poll that said he won the debate. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] But now, I’m worried he’s gonna be distracted for the next debate because he also found out there are bunch of [picture changes to porn ad scam that says ‘hot and horny singles Your Area!!’] hot and horny singles in his are.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But as bad as Trump is doing, Hillary is only barely doing any better than him. So no matter who wins, this is gonna be a ‘Rebuilding’ season for America. And that’s gonna be tough for us to handle because America’s basically the New York Yankees of countries right now, which is so used to winning and dominating, but sometimes you lose your charismatic biracial leader [Picture changes to Aaron Judge and Barack Obama] and you still gotta start all over again.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton waving at the public wearing a loose shirt at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And right now, Hillary needs to stop celebrating that she won the first debate. It’s like she’s in a wrestling ring shrouding around like the match is over and she doesn’t notice that right behind her, Chris Christie is handing Trump a folding chair. [audience laughing] Hillary can’t even gloat well. She just got over pneumonia and this is actually how she came out on campaign trip.

[Cut to a video clip of Hillary Clinton walking to the campaign tour stage doing very well. ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown playing in the background]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

She came out to James Brown’s ‘I feel good’. I just want to point out that James Brown died of pneumonia.

[audience whooping]

What?

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head]

Michael Che: If she actually had black friends, she would have knew that.

 

The Librarian

Jeremy… Bobby Moynihan

Ms. Dodson… Margot Robbie

Kyle Mooney

Fishman… Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Jeremy listening to the music staring at Ms. Dodson in the library. Ms. Dodson is a librarian.]

[Kyle comes in and slaps on Jeremy’s forehead.]

Kyle: Snap out of it, you Donkes.

[Jeremy’s friends come to sit with him

Jeremy: Come on!

Fishman: Drooling over Ms. Dodson again?

Jeremy: Shut up, Fishman.

Mikey: I heard Ms. Dodson hooked up with a student once.

Jeremy: Oh, man! She’s so hot.

Kyle: [mocking] Oh, she’s so hot. You Donkes!

Jeremy: Come on, Nate! Don’t be an anus!

[Ms. Dodson slams a book on their table]

Ms. Dodson: Shh!

[Ms. Dodson turns around and walks back]

Jeremy: Whoa!

Alex: Ask her out, Jeremy!

Jeremy: No way.

Fishman: Ay, Ms. Dodson.

Jeremy: [whispering] Shut up!

Fishman: Jeremy thinks you’re hot.

[guys giggling]

Jeremy: Fishman, what are you doing?

Ms. Dodson: Is that true, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Um, no– it– no.  I’m– ugh! I mean, yeah.

[Ms. Dodson walks towards their table]

Ms. Dodson: Well, Jeremy, what are you gonna do about it?

[music starts playing]

[Ms. Dodson takes off her glasses and opens her sweater.]

Jeremy: Oh yeah.

[She pulls her skirt up.]

Fishman: Oh yeah.

[She loosens her hair.]

Kyle: So beautiful.

[Ms. Dodson starts pulling her hair off]

Jeremy: Oh no!

[Ms. Dodson is bald.]

Mikey: Oh no.

[Ms. Dodson peels off a banana, throws the banana and eats the banana peel.]

Jeremy: Oh no.

[Ms. Dodson swallows the whole lollipop with the stick]

Kyle: Not the stick!

[Ms. Dodson takes her teeth off, her real teeth are disgusting.]

Fishman: What is happening?

[Ms. Dodson shows her tattoo of a student.]

Jeremy: Haley Joel Osment?

[Ms. Dodson shows another tattoo]

Mikey: Haley Joel Osment now?

[Cecily walks to Ms. Dodson and they start getting intimate]

[Ms. Dodson breaks Cecily’s neck and smiles at boys]

Fishman: Straight up murderer?

[Ms. Dodson walks to the boys and gets on the table crawling towards Jeremy. She looks scary.]

[Ms. Dodson has her tongue like snake, licking Jeremy on face.]

[Ms. Dodson’s saliva drops on the table and the table is burning.]

[Ms. Dodson slowling ripps off her shirt and shows her breasts.]

[All the boys stare at her breasts]

Boys: Oh yeah.

[All boys’ heads pop bursts.]

The Hunch Bunch

Josh… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Fenster … Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Ted… Beck Bennett

Becca Ashley… Margot Robbie

[Starts with the Hunch Bunch intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Nick@Nite, now back to a classic episode of the Hunch Bunch.

[The characters get into a room. It looks like a haunted house.]

Josh: Okay, the coast is clear.

Aidy: Ew, cobwebs. I hate spiders.

Fenster: You’re worried about the cobwebs? Did you forget about the monster?

Cecily: Stop chitchatting and look for clues, you two.

Ted: Just once, I’d like to solve a mystery in a place that isn’t spooky.

Josh: We can do it Hunch Bunch. We just have to use our heads.

Becca Ashley: Can I just say? This is so much fun. I have been bugging Ted for doing mystery for weeks.

Cecily: No problem, Becca Ashley. We’re gonna need all the help we can get.

Fenster: Well, like, no clue’s here. We can go now. Who’s hungry?

[Fenster walks away]

Aidy: You’re such a fraidy cat, Fenster.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca Ashley: Yeah, you lame ass pussy.

Ted: Babe, don’t say that!

Becca Ashley: What? I was just joining in teasing.

Ted: Yeah, but like, you don’t know these guys that well yet. You know, just pump the brakes.

Josh: Well, lookie here. If there’s a real monster hunting this castle, [Josh finds a monster mask] then what’s this?

Becca Ashley: Oh! The monster’s face.

Josh: Well, sort of Becca Ashley. It’s a mask. Which means…

Becca Ashley: The monster made a mask of his own face.

Josh: Good guess but I have a hunch there is no monster.

Cecily: So that means the monster…

Everybody: Is ground’s keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: [not following] Mask of his own face!

Ted: Babe!

Aidy: It all adds up. Grounds keeper Cogin just wants the castle all to himself.

Ted: And what better way to scare off visitors then dressing up as a spooky monster.

Fenster: But wait. If grounds keeper Cogin’s the monster, like, how did he get from here to the dining room so fast?

Josh: There must be some sort–

Becca Ashley: [interrupting] He had a bike.

Aidy: Ted, can you…

Ted: Yeah. Babe, let’s just listen for a while, okay? You know, it’s actually super interesting how it all gets solved.

Josh: I know how grounds keeper Cogin got across the house so fast. He had some sort of…

[Josh pulls a book off the shelf and it opens a secret path.]

… shortcut.

Becca Ashley: What? Josh broke the bookshelf. What an idiot!

Josh: Ha-ha. I didn’t break the bookshelf. That’s a secret passage way.

Becca Ashley: Why?

Josh: What do you mean why? Because that’s what it is. It’s simply a secret passage way. Look, Becca Ashley, I want to include you because I like Ted and you’re very positive, but please, stop challenging everything say.

Becca Ashley: Yeah, but you broke it.

Josh: Okay.

[footsteps sound]

Fenster: Shh, like I hear someone coming.

Becca Ashley: Ew, who would have sex in this filthy old castle?

Josh: What? Ew, no. No!

Fenster: Like, everyone, hide!

[everyone hides]

[Grounds Keeper Cogin walks in]

Cogin: Now, where did I leave my mask?

[Becca Ashley stand and shoots at Grounds Keeper Cogin three times at his back.]

Josh: No!

Ted: Babe, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cecily: You brought a gun?

Aidy: You shot grounds keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: No, because he’s the monster.

Josh: I don’t even think he technically broke any laws.

Fenster: We have to help him. He’s still alive.

Becca Ashley: No way! I’m not going back to jail.

[Becca Ashley cocks the gun]

Everybody: No.

[Cut to video bumper]

Announcer: The Hunch Bunch [gun shot sound] will be right back.

Presidential Debate Cold Open

Lester Hold… Michael Che

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Lester Holt in his set]

Lester Holt: Good evening. From Hofstra University, I’m Lester Holt. [cheers and applause] And welcome to the first presidential debate. A quick reminder to our audience, there is no cheering, no clapping, and to the Trump supporters, no shirt, no shoes, no service. Now let’s bring out the candidates. First, she has been battling pneumonia and we hope she’s feeling better tonight. It’s secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking in to her podium with support of cane.]

[cheers and applause]

[Hillary Clinton leaves her cane and rolls over her body]

Hillary Clinton: I’m better than ever. Let’s do this.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: And finally, he’s the man to blame for the bottom half of all his kid’s faces, it’s republican nominee Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in to his podium]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Donald Trump: Good evening, America. I am going to be so good tonight. I am going to be so calm and so presidential that all of you watching are going to cream your jeans.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, let’s begin with you. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to create jobs and put money into the pockets of American workers?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, let’s– My opponent’s tax plan benefits the top Lester Holt% so much, it’s not just trickled down economics. It’s– I don’t know. I guess if I had to call up something off the top of the old dome with no prep, whatsoever, I don’t know. I guess I call it ‘Trumped up trickled down economics’.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: That’s very catchy, secretary. You just came up with that just now?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I did. Right off the stiff red cuff. [raising her hand. She is wearing a red suit.]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Hey, Jazz man. I’ve got a very presidential answer for this. Our jobs are fleeing this country. They’re going to Mexico, they’re going to Gina (mocking China), I will stop that. If Hillary knew how, she would have done it already, period, end of story. I won the debate. I stayed calm just like I promised. And it is over. Goodnight Hofstra.

[Donald Trump turns around and walks away]

Lester Holt: Donald! [Cut to Lester Holt] Donald. There is still 88 minutes left. It’s a 90 minute debate.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his podium]

Speaker Donald Trump: My microphone is broken. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] She broke it with Obama. She and Obama stole my microphone. They took it to Kenya. They took my microphone to Kenya and they broke it and now it’s broken. [Donald Trump is sniffing] Can you hear that? It’s picking up somebody sniffing here. I think it’s her sniffs. She’s been sniffing all night. Testing. Testing. Gina. Gina. Huge Gina.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I think I’m gonna be president.

[audience whooping]

I mean, this man is clearly unfit to be Commander in Chief.

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: He is a bully.

Speaker Donald Trump: Shut up.

Hillary Clinton: He started the birth removement.

Speaker Donald Trump: You did.

Hillary Clinton: He says climate change is a hoax invented by China.

Speaker Donald Trump: It’s pronounced Gina!

Hillary Clinton: He hasn’t released his tax returns which means he’s either not that rich–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Not that charitable–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Or he has never paid taxes in his life.

Speaker Donald Trump: Warmer.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Let’s move on to national security. Mr. Trump, you’ve criticized Secretary Clinton for voting for the Iraq war, but you yourself supported the war–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’re being very mean to me tonight, caltrain. Very mean to me. I was against the war. Ask anyone in the world named Sean Hannity. I told Sean Hannity. Call Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: You told Sean Hannity on his show and that’s a proof?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: No, I told him in private. It was just me and Sean, late at night. I leaned over and I whispered in his ear, “Sean, I’m against the war in Iraq.” And then he whispered in my ear, “I am against the war too.” And the next thing I knew I was kissing Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Moving right past that, the Iraq war is all about judgement. Secretary Clinton, do you think you have better judgement than Mr. Trump?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Yes, yes. Of course I do. Donald Trump has terrible judgement. He makes bad decisions. He spent his life cheating middle class labors. Laborers like my own human father who made, I guess drapes or printed drapes, or sold drapes, or um… something drapes and he was relatable and I am also relatable.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, same question. Why is your judgement better than Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Because it is. I have the best judgement and the best temperament. She’s the one with the bad temperament. She’s always screaming. She’s constantly lying. Her hair is crazy. Her face is completely orange except around the eyes where it’s white. And when she stops talking, her mouth looks like a tiny little butt-hole.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, you have two minutes to respond.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, that’s okay. He can have mine too.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. Mr. Trump, two more minutes.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: The thing about the blacks is that they’re killing each other.

[Cut to Lester Holt. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

All the blacks live on one street in Chicago, all on one street. I just read that this morning. It’s called ‘Hell Street’. And they run Hell Street and they’re all just killing each other. Just like I am killing this debate.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, did you have a response?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She looks very happy.]

Hillary Clinton: Um… Not a response, more of a request. Can America vote right now?

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Well, this has been an illuminating debate. But now it’s time for our final–

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Alicia Machado.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: I’m sorry. What was that? Who is Alicia Machado?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for bring that up Lester. She is a strong, beautiful, political prop that I almost forgot to mention tonight, even though we already made a wet video about her. Alicia Machado was Miss Universe in 1996.

Speaker Donald Trump: Where did you find this?

Hillary Clinton: And Donald Trump called her ‘Miss Piggy’.

Speaker Donald Trump: No. How do you know this?

Hillary Clinton: And ‘Miss Housekeeping’.

Speaker Donald Trump: That’s pretty funny.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, your response?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Lester, why are we talking about this woman? We should be talking about the important issues like Rosie O’Donnell and how she’s a fat loser and everyone agrees with me. And I just wanted to bring that up in a presidential debate right at the end, my own good idea. I did it.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, why are you crying?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry Lester. It’s, this is going so well. It’s going exactly how I always dreamed.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. And now it’s time to move on to the closing statements. Secretary Clinton, you’re first.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, I get it. You hate me. You hate my voice and you hate my face. Well, here’s a tip. If you never wanna see my face again, elect me president, and I swear to god I will lock myself in the Oval office and not come out for four years. But if you don’t elect me, I will continue to run for president until the day I die. And I will never die.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump. Final remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: You know what Lester? I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary tonight, but I said to myself I can’t do it, I just cant do it. But if I had said it, it would have been a nuclear bomb because in the 90s, our president was a man named Bill Clinton. Not many people know this, but that man is her husband. And in 1998, get this, he had an affair. It’s true. My investigators are looking into it right now. It was a woman named Monica, very heavy. I don’t have her last name yet but when I get it, I’m gonna set my alarm for 3:20 AM and go sit on my golden toilet bowl and tweet about it until completion.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Oh my god! Just remind everyone at home, this was the presidential debate. Any final words?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump coming to the center together]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Mr. Robot

Elliot… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Margot Robbie

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Robot intro]

Narrator: Now on USA, Mr. Robot, [Cut to clips from the movie] the award winning techno thrilling series about the paranoid mind of the world’s greatest hacker. He has already hacked the world economy. But now, he faces his greatest challenge yet.

[As Elliot is sitting down using his laptop in a cafe, Leslie approaches him]

Leslie: Hey, man. You know computers?

Elliot: Yeah. Who are you?

Leslie: Oh well, that hurts. Leslie Jones? SNL? You gotta help me find out who hacked my pics. Who got all my nasties!

Elliot: Um…

Narrator: The victim of the summer’s biggest hack turns the tables with the help of TV’s most notorious hacker.

[Cut to Elliot and Leslie in an gaming arcade]

Leslie: I got my laptop right here in my willy bag. You do know Windows 95, right? Cool. That’s the cord. Plug that bad boy in and let it warm up for an hour.

Narrator: It’s a puzzle unlike any he’s faced before.

[Elliot is on his computer and Leslie is playing games]

Leslie: Yo dude, how you doing over there?

Elliot: Still trying to get the lay of the land. So many delta are here. [The desktop has so many shortcut icons]

Narrator: It’s a job for the whole f. society team.

[Cut to Margot speaking to Elliot]

Margot: What the hell, Elliot? Who is she? This is not safe. Why are you helping her?

Leslie: Yo bitch! [Leslie walks in] I do not need this right now. For real.

Margot: Okay. Yea, sorry. Sorry.

Narrator: A dive into the broken mind of an unstable genius, and the hacker she hired to help.

[Cut to Elliot and Leslie]

Leslie: Come on, put my password in. P-A-S-S–

[Elliot puts the password by himself]

Hey, you got it, dude! It was Password. Damn, you is good, dude!
[Cut to Mikey who is Elliot’s conscience]

Mikey: But you could be great if you didn’t let your emotions get the best of you.

Leslie: [to Mikey] Oh, well hello there.

Elliot: You can see Mr. Robot?

Leslie: So, is there a Mrs. Robot.

Elliot: No, he’s a ghost. He’s dead.

Leslie: Pfft! I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

Narrator: With a startling conclusion you won’t believe.

[Elliot meets Leslie at the partk]

Elliot: Leslie, I found your hacker.

[Elliot passes an envelope to Leslie. Leslie opens the envelope and pulls out a photo.]

Leslie: Who is this bitch? Oh, that’s me!

Elliot: It seems you backed up your photos to your online website. I don’t know how you did it. It’s actually really hard to do.

Leslie: Well, I go a photoshoot with M-check magazine that I’m two days late for. So, thank you for this.

Elliot: [thinking] I should probably feel something right now but I dont’.

Leslie: Hold on man! Hold on, hold on man. [Leslie holds Elliot and pulls him to his left.] This just don’t feel balanced. Good god! Alright. Get some vitamins, man! Get some sleep. Y’all millennials don’t take care of yourself.

Narrator: Bi-ba-bu-bu-bi-bop. Mr. Robot

Melania Moments

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Melania moments video bumper]

Narrator: Melania moments, number 27, “The Passerby”.

[Cut to Melania Trump in her living room.]

Melania Trump approached a window in Trump Tower and gazed down on 5th Avenue. She saw a man walk just out of sight and wondered, “What happens to them? To… the people? Once they leave 5th Avenue? Where do they go? Do they disappear? Is there a 6th Avenue? Is there a 4th Avenue?” One day, I’d really like to know.

[The End]

Margot Robbie Monologue

Margot Robbie

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Margot Robbie.

[Margot Robbie walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Margot Robbie: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here tonight hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. And it’s great to be here in America during this election. I mean this is how you guys really do it. [audience laughing] I mean it’s– It’s nuts! I mean like, everybody just lies. It’s crazy. Um, which is why tonight I am going to be Margot Robbie00% honest with you. And just in case I ever do lie, I will be fact checking my own monologue. But don’t worry, I never lie.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

I lie all the time. My name isn’t even Margot Robbie. It’s Margot Robert.

[Cut to main camera]

Now, some of you may know me from my movie ‘Suicide Squad’. [cheers and applause] Or, from my new indie film ‘The Millionaire’s Daughter’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

It’s not a real movie. I just made it up to see if you guys could clap and you did.

[Cut to main camera]

But seriously, Suicide Squad was such a great movie to work on. Jared Leto stating character like the whole time which was so, so fun.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

Not fun, it was kind of uncomfortable.

[Cut to main camera]

Just, it was fun. And now I’m here hosting SNL. [cheers and applause]

Honestly, everyone has been so welcoming this week. Especially Lorne. On Monday he walked me through the whole week and told me he is huge fan of mine. That really meant a lot.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

I’ve never really met Lorne.

[Cut to main camera]

Lorne is the best. He is–

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Margot.

Margot Robbie: Kenan, hi.

[cheers and applause]

Kenan Thompson: Wow. Season premiere. How cool is this? Man, I was so excited last night, I could not sleep.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Kenan Thompson is looking at the camera.]

This is my 14th season. I slept like a baby.

[Cut to main camera]

[Kenan Thompson walks out and Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Ay! Ay!

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry to interrupt. I just have to say I am such a huge fan of your’s. I love you Kate Upton.

Margot Robbie: Oh. Um, Leslie, I’m not– I’m not Kate Upton. I’m Margot Robbie.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, for real? I’m sorry. I’m really embarrassed.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Leslie Jones  is looking at the camera.]

I’m not embarrassed. I’ve done way worse. I called Kate McKinnon Kate Middleton for a year.

[Cut to main camera]

Well, Margot, here’s something I do know. You and I have the same birthday.

Margot Robbie: Oh, no way. July 2nd?

Leslie Jones: Yeah.

Margot Robbie: 1990?

[Leslie Jones is angry]

Leslie Jones: Yeah!

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Leslie Jones looks at the camera and leaves without saying anything.]

[Cut to main camera]

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: That’s my girl, Margot.

Margot Robbie: You guys. Cecily has been my best friend this week. She’s really shown me the fancy side of New York. Last night we even went to the ballet.

Cecily Strong: We did.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie and Cecily Strong is looking at the camera.]

We didn’t. We went to a bar called ‘Dukies’ and got wasted.

Margot Robbie: I fell into a toilet.

Cecily Strong: And I rode a mechanical bull.

[Cecily Strong turns around to another Fact Check camera[

It wasn’t a bull. It was a guy named Beef.

[Cut to main camera]

[Cecily Strong leaves and Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Am, hey Margot. Hey.

[cheers and applause]

Hi. Well, my name’s Pete Davidson and um, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but people say I’m like, kind of the hottie of the cast.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Pete Davidson is looking at the camera.]

What? People say that.

[Cut to main camera]

[Pete Davidson leaves and Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Margot, hey. Oh, man! It has been so fun having you here this week. Honestly, I think you’re my favorite host of all time.

Margot Robbie: Aw, Aidy that is so sweet.

[Margot Robbie and Aidy Bryant hug]

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Aidy Bryant is looking at the camera hugging Margot Robbie.]

Aidy Bryant: Don’t worry Drake. You’re my baby forever. I love you.

[Cut to main camera]

Margot Robbie: Anyway, we have got a great season premiere for you tonight. The Weeknd is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Live Report

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Neil McNabb… Kenan Thompson

Alexandria… Margot Robbie

Mat… Mikey Day

Reed Dodden… Alex Moffat

Karen Hoffstedder… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Announcer: Action 9 News at Five intro: Eye on Tampa.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask in their news set]

Beth Runyon: Good evening, I’m Beth Runyon.

Jack Trask: And I’m Jack Trask. Our top story tonight, panic in downtown Tampa as the 70 foot wide sinkhole opened up in the Westfield shopping center parking lot.

Beth Runyon: Action 9’s Neil McNabb is live on the scene. Neil.

[Cut to Neil McNabb at the scene]

Neil McNabb: Thank you Beth. Quite a chaotic scene here. Emergency crews are working hard to assess the damage. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. Including these two shoppers.

[Alexandria and Mat walk in. Alexandria is a beautiful lady and Mat looks like old fashioned geek.]

Um, can you tell us what happened?

Alexandria: Yeah. Sorry, I’m still shaking. Um, I was walking towards my car and all of a sudden it sort of just felt like the ground is melting.

Mat: Yeah. Cars fell in. It was crazy. I’m just very happy my wife and I are okay.

[Neil McNabb is looking at Mat being shocked]

Neil McNabb: This is your wife?

Mat: Um, yes.

Neil McNabb: So, you two are married to each other?

Alexandria: Yes, sir.

Neil McNabb: I’m just making sure I heard that right. Hah! Well, close call here today for this multi-millionaire and his lovely wife.

[Mat is confused]

Mat: Um, I’m not a millionaire.

Neil McNabb: Oh, I apologize. I assumed you were a very wealthy man.

Mat: Yeah, I wish. She’s kind of the breadwinner in our house.

Alexandria: Aw! We’re a team. And if I felt weird about being the main income earner, I wouldn’t have married a puppeteer.

Neil McNabb: [yelling in shock] He does puppets? [coming back to sense] I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled. It’s just a lot happening.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Folks, if you can hear me through the monitor there, did you see how many vehicles fell into the sinkhole?

Jack Trask: And also, sir, I’m wondering if you have famous parents or something?

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Mat: Sorry, it’s a little loud. Um, you asked how many cars fell in? I guess seven or eight.

Alexandria: Including our Kia Sportage.

Neil McNabb: You drive this smoke show around in a Kia Sportage?

Mat: I’m sorry. Are you mad at me, sir?

Neil McNabb: No, I’m just little overwhelmed by the scene here today. Still a lot of unanswered questions. I’m live in Downtown Tampa with, I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Mat: Matshatt.

Neil McNabb: Your name is Mat Shatt?

Mat: Yes, Shatt with two Ts.

Neil McNabb: Doesn’t make it any better. And you married this woman whose name is?

Alexandria: Alexandria Kennedy Shatt.

Neil McNabb: She’s a Kennedy and she put a Shatt on it. Back to you.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: I think with the last name Shatt, you go with Matthew, right?

Beth Runyon: Yeah, I don’t know. Um, joining us now via webcam, [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Reed Dodden] is caltech seismology professor, Reed Dodden who’s an expert on sinkholes. Professor, what causes something like this to happen?

Reed Dodden: Well, it varies. Um, most likely they were childhood friends who grew up together and that blossomed into a romance overtime.

Beth Runyon: Professor, I believe you’re referring to the couple that was just interviewed. I was asking about the sinkhole.

Reed Dodden: Oh, it’s pretty much always underground water.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Okay. Neil, any sign of water damage down there?

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Neil McNabb: Oh, absolutely. If you could just pan down a little bit, Rick?

[The camera shows the ground they are stepping on. Mat is wearing red Crocs slippers.]

You’ll see that there’s mud and– Oh my god!

[Neil McNabb is pointing at Mat’s Crocs]

Mat Shatt is wearing Crocs and socks. He’s married to the lord’s mistress and he’s wearing Crocs with socks. [yelling] Sending it back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Okay, well, we’ll update you as the situation develops. We now turn to Karen Hoffstedder with sports. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Hoffstedder] Big game this weekend.

Karen Hoffstedder: Yeah, the Bucks is playing the Broncos. Okay, I got two theories. [Cut to Karen Hoffstedder] One, this dude Mat is packing a tree trunk in his pants. Or two, he kidnapped her and she got Stockholm Syndrome.

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Alexandria: I’m sorry. We can still hear you. And for the record, I’m with my husband because he is one of the strongest men I’ve ever met. Most men would be mad at the world if they were born with just testicles and no penis. Not my Mat Shatt.

Neil McNabb: [shaky voice] Neil McNabb reporting live from a world that no longer makes sense.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Thank you, Neil. Quiet a situation in Downtown Tampa.

Jack Trask: Yeah. And there’s that sinkhole too.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Action 9 News at Five outro]