Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on Baseball

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

George Springer

Jose Altuve

Alex Bregman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the Houston Astros won the world series in an epic matchup with the Dodgers. Here to talk about it is new baseball fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? I didn’t know you were such a big Yankees fan.

Leslie Jones: Yes, I am, you bountiful snowman. For all the wrong reasons. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Okay? I love to see those fine men in their tight little pin stripe pants. You should hear me at the game. Hey, Gary Sanchez, when you going to come hit this [pointing at herself] out the park? Hey, Gregorius, you can round my bases any time because you are greg-gorgeous. I am a die hard fan, Colin. Look at this pic of me at this game. [Cut to a picture of an on-going baseball game] yeah. There is Gary Sanchez at bat, and there is me looking at that ass. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Call me, Gary. That net can’t keep us apart. not for long.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must have been pretty upset then when Yankees lost in the ALCS to the Astros.

Leslie Jones: Urgh! Colin! We was so close. One game away from the world series. Colin, have you ever gotten so close to something only to have it taken from you?

Colin Jost: Um, I don’t know.

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s coz you white. You get every damn thing. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I was mad as hell. Okay? That little Altuve hit all those home runs against us. The bat is bigger than him. And the MVP George Springer, he is Panamian and Puerto Rico. His name is George Springer. Come on, man! That’s the name of a goofy mattress salesman.

[George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman walk in from the behind]

[Cheers and applause]

George Springer: Excuse me, how is that? What was that? Y’all let me know.

Colin Jost: George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman.

Leslie Jones: Whooo! Class the pearl.

George Springer: Well, since we already know that you don’t actually watch baseball, we would really like to give you a gift today.

Leslie Jones: Umm, okay. You can give me anything you want.

Alex Bregman: This is an Astros swag so you can hop on the bang wagon too.

[Alex Bregman gives Leslie Jones Astros jersey.]

Leslie Jones: Oh, whatever. Oh, this is so–

Jose Altuve: [passing Leslie Jones a baseball] How do you like it?

Leslie Jones: Oh, I like balls. [George Springer gives Leslie Jones a baseball cap] I love it. I love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s funny coz actually Leslie was–

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Shut up, Colin. I know what I said, but these men are fine as hell. I take it all back. Oh, congratulations, you guys. I loved watching you all win.

[cheers and applause]

I thought it was so sweet that Correa proposed to his girlfriend after the game. I mean, it’s so romantic. [looks at Jose Altuve] It looks like this dude is on one knee right now.

George Springer: It’s not Jose’s fault he’s short.

Leslie Jones: Oh, that’s okay. Come here, baby, let me tell you something. [Leslie Jones takes a seat and Jose Altuve sits on Leslie Jones’s laps.] Yeah! Whoo! Now, this is not something I usually say at all, I mean never, but good things do come in small packages.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones and world champions Houston Astros. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Paul Manafort

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week saw the first arrest in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Here to comment on the situation, our first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us.

Eric: You’re welcome.

Donald Trump Jr.: I was talking to Colin, buddy. We’re his gusts, right? [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.. Eric is trying to copy Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures.] Colin, we’d like to make it very clear that our father did nothing wrong. Some people who barely worked for him did, but dad knew nothing about it. And the same goes for Eric and myself.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, I definitely believe you that Eric hd no idea what was going on.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Exactly. And look, Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, we barely knew these guys. And as for the last guy, George–

Eric: Doctor Octopus.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, buddy. It’s not George Doctor Octopus. It’s George Papadopoulos.

Eric: George–

Donald Trump Jr.: Papadopoulos.

Eric: Papa–

Donald Trump Jr.: –dopoulos.

[Eric is confused]

Alright. Anywy, Papadopoulos was a pity hire, Colin. He got coffee. He was a glorified intern.

Eric: He was my boss.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he wasn’t your boss.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: So, you guys are not worried about this Mueller investigation?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Who Robert Mueller should be investigating, Colin, is Hillary Clinton. [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.] As we learn from Donald Brazilee, Crooked Hillary and company did some shady back room deals with the Russians. And tried to rig the election in her favor.

Eric: Just like dad.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright! Eric, you want to play with your Halloween candy and eat some of that, bud?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a bucket of Halloween candies]

Eric: Um, I already had my three pieces today.

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, that’s okay. It’s a special occasion.

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, the bottomline is this. Nobody in my father’s inner circle– [Eric starts sucking on a sugar stick] Eric, what are you doing, buddy? It’s fun dip, man. There is sugar in there.

Eric: Where?

Donald Trump Jr.: You dip the stick in the sugar. See? There is like, a whole thing of sugar in there. You don’t just lick the stick, dude.

Eric: In there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Dip it in. Alright look.

[Eric dips in and looks at Donald Trump Jr.. Eric tastes it and is very happy.]

Right? Look, everything our father has done and our family has done is completely above board. And now, we’d like to focus, Colin– [Donald Trump Jr. looks at Eric dipping and eating too much] It’s good, right? Not too much. You’re going to be up late, buddy. We would like to focus on important thing like brand-new deals with Trump Organization and getting a little bro time like the hunting trip we took last week.

Eric: I shot a deer.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did. You wanna show Colin the deer you shot, buddy?

Eric: Uh-huh.

[Eric shows a sign board with deer’s picture on it. There’s a bullet hole on it.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Look at that. Right here. Right in the G, buddy. Proud of you. Can you believe this guy? So good with a gun.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: I cannot. Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Angel

Michel Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michel Che in his set]

Michel Che: There has been a lot of serious stories this week, but here with Weekend Update’s good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angel: [cracking voice] Hey, Michael.

Michel Che: Hey, Angel. So, how was your week?

Angel: You know. I’m okay. I’m hanging in there.

Michel Che: So, I hear you got some good news for us?

Angel: Well, you know, Tommy is fighting tonight. So, I’ve been better.

Michel Che: Well, I hope he wins.

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah. Well, I hope he stays alive to see our kids grow up. So, how many more hits till it’s enough?

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: Are you going to the fight, at least?

Angel: No. No. [Cut to Angel] I told him if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. So that’s where I’ll be. You know now. And Colin ,I want you to know too, we’ll be at my sister’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michel Che and Angel. Colin Jost is holding a coffee mug.]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Michel Che: You know what, you are here to talk about news. So, let’s do that. Holiday spending is expected to be up this year.

Angel: [upset voice] Oh, come on.

Michel Che: Oh, did I say something?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: You know, I- I- I’ve been here before with you, holiday spending a lot, okay? Ya, up and we’re happy and things were good. And then, boom, you’re down. Okay? And I can’t watch that. [Cut to Michel Che and Angel. Michel Che is confused.] I know I worked in a lot of bars in my life. But I deserve to be happy for my kids, Mikey, Nikki and Peppers. [Cut to Angel] So, if you’re going to do this holiday spending, I’m taking the kids to my sisters.

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: Okay.

Angel: Do you hear me?

Michel Che: Yeah. I know.

Angel: Does Colin know? Colin, we’ll be at my sister’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And I’m aware. Yeah, thank you.

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: Let’s move on to some good news. Apple predicts its release of their new iPhone X will be their biggest of all time.

Angel: [upset voice] Okay.

Michel Che: Oh, no. Alright.

Angel: You know what? When is gonna stop? Every year? A new iPhone? [Cut to Angel] And you know what? They tell me it’s different this time. But you know what? I don’t give up on my old iPhone after a year. You think– you think you are the fighter? I’m the fighter. I’ve still got my 4S. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right.

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: You should really get a new phone.

Angel: Yeah, yeah. What kind of woman would I be if I did that? Okay? You know where I’m going to be the day the phone comes out?

Michel Che: Yeah. At your sister’s.

Angel: At my sister’s. Yes. With my kids, yes. Colin, did you hear that?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michel Che and Angel]

Colin Jost: I can hear everything you are saying. Yes.

Michel Che: He’s right here. Well, we all heard you, Angel. Let’s talk about something happy. The snoopy balloon will be returning for the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade.

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: [upset voice] Oh, come on, Snoopy, you’re 60 years old. Alright? I can’t take it. You can’t take it. You know how many men it takes to hold you up? You are done. You’re a broken down piece of rubber. Alright? And if you think for a second that I’m taking my kids to that parade and not my sister’s, you got another thing coming, Michael. Okay?

[Cut to Michel Che and Angel]

Michel Che: No. I hear you, Angel. Just out of curiosity, where are you kids now?

Angel: At my sister’s.

Michel Che: Right! Every boxer’s girlfriend, everybody.

Angel: I’m the fighter. I’m the fighter.

Weekend Update on Paul Manafort’s Indictment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s almost the one year anniversary of Donald Trump getting elected president. And to celebrate, Robert Mueller threw him a surprise party. [Picture changes to an article saying ‘Trump associates indicted’] After the indictment, [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] a former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort who also played shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore’, it was reported that Manafort has three US passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So, I don’t know what he is guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions. Except, maybe Santa Claus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe and the unfair news coverage probably and I’m sure he brought up the crooked Hillary again. Look, I gotta be honest, I can’t read anymore of this guy’s tweets. I’m tired of watching the president of the United States having emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. [Picture changes to Tyrese Gibson’s emotional breakdown video] It’s embarrassing. Look, if you wanna live tweet Morning Joe or Cup Cake Wars or whatever else you watch, fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, your clip on tie and fold your hair up nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. Okay? I mean, what are you doing on Twitter? We shouldn’t have to wonder if our president is communicating with us from his toilet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In response to the terrorist attacks this week in Manhattan, president Trump has promised to end ‘The diversity immigrant visa lottery,’ which by the way was named in order to make Fox News viewers heads explode. Obviously, this attack was awful but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean, we don’t look at Trump and say, “We should get rid of all presidents.”

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Republicans also– [cheers and applause] Thank you. Republicans also released their tax plan this week, which explains why Paul Ryan has been rock hard since Thursday. Ryan said that under the new tax plan, a family of four would save over $1,000 while this family [picture changes to Donald Trump’s family picture] would save like, a billion.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. I don’t want simple taxes because it probably means I will have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes on a bunch of different papers with a bunch of questions so I can lie. When somebody tells you, “Hey, I got a great tax guy”, they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes very simple. They mean, “You are about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Advisors who are planning president Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines and prefers familiar foods like well done steak and ice cream. And they’d also like easier maxes on his place mat. Now, I don’t know if this trip is going to be good for international relations. But it’s definitely going to be great for comedy. Coz, we’re sending this guy to Asia.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech video]

Donald Trump: Bing bing, bong bong.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, what could go wrong?

Weekend Update on American Airlines’ Racial Bias

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of American Airlines logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of the NAACP over allegation has the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. It’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. [audience laughing] You know, of all the stereotypes about black people, I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now, if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Lowe’s movie theaters, yeah, that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our headphones. We always wear socks. We never talk to strangers unless we are telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to worry about on planes are white women named Gail who claps when plane lands.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of MTV Floribama Shore logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: MTV has launced a spin-off of it’s hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore’, where the cast members can contract Gonnormidia.

[Picture changes to a Halloween candy basket.]

A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a pack of meth in her child’s halloween candy right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of subway station of New York at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report ranks the New York city subway system as the best in the country. This was according to [Picture changes to a magazine] ‘Masturbating Hobo Monthly’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November of twentyseventeen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Very immature. November is national impotency month but I just can’t get excited.

Weekend Update- Ivana Trump

Colin Jost

Ivana Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This past week, Ivana Trump, president Trump’s first wife stirred some controversy when she called herself the first lady while promoting her new book ‘Raising Trump’. Here to elaborate is Ivana Trump.

[Ivana Trump slides in]

Ivana Trump: Colin, why you always so harsh on Donald? Why you can’t give him a break? He’s not so bad. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I’m surprised that you seem so supportive of him.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: yes. Of course I am. We re like family. I am the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. But actually, Melania, right, is the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yeah. Well, of course. but I am a first lady of Donald Trump, right? What do you call the one that is first? First lady. Am I lie?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, your’e saying that because you were his first wife?

Ivana Trump: Oh! You see now. You get it. Look, this hardware is smart.

Colin Jost: So, tell us a little bit about the book you wrote.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yes. Well, everywhere I go, the yacht club, the country club, private airplane, Ferrari expos, you know, everybody want to know, what is behind this red power suit? The chronic French twist hair? How I become a first lady? You know, how I met with Donald Trump. You know, I raised him too, since he was this tall. Ha-ha-ha-ha. He’s always very tall, right?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s good. That’s good.

Ivana Trump: You like this?

Colin Jost: I really like that. Yes. So, could you give us a taste of what’s inside the book?

Ivana Trump: Oh! Growing boy want a taste. Okay. I give you a little nibble. [Cut to Colin Jost. She wears her glasses and goes through her book] Let’s see. Come on. I give you chapter 14. How Donald was never around, I had to do everything. No, it’s not bad. He’s businessman. So, he’s doing business away from the family. I raised him myself.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. That’s all the title of the chapter?

Ivana Trump: Yes. Just look. [Showing the title. The title is literally very long.] Yes. [Cut to Ivana Trump] The rest of the chapter is astounding photographs of my apartment in Miami, and my cute dog, Chuchu-nyonyo. It’s a really cute dog.

Colin Jost: Very cute. [Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost] Aren’t you afraid you might be pushing some buttons with this book?

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: No. Look at my nails. I can’t push buttons with these nails. You see my joke? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s very good. I really enjoyed that. That was great.

Ivana Trump: Look, look, look. Donald and I have a very good relationship. We are a family after all. Look, I call every 14 days but I don’t like to call too much because if Melania pick up, I say, “No, don’t pay attention to me, Melania, it’s just old school friend from old school day.” You know, I don’t want jealousy. [Cut to Ivana Trump] I love the third lady. I don’t want her to be jealous of the first lady. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You keep calling yourself first lay.

Ivana Trump: Yes. But I am the first lady. Melania is third lady. Look, I support girls walking into disaster zones in her heels. [Cut to Ivana Trump] And by disaster zone, I mean walk-in closet. It’s so small. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I am on role, huh?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very great role. Yeah. Well, she is very upset with you. She tweeted you are only doing this to try to get attention.

Ivana Trump: No. Who is the author of this tweet? Melania or Michelle Obama? Ha-ha. You know what I’m talking about? From before?

Colin Jost: Yes. From a long time ago.

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish because she’s eating something]

Colin Jost: What are you saying?

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish]

Colin Jost: I’m okay. I can’t have hazel nuts.

Ivana Trump: Oh, you poor thing. [Cut to Ivana Trump] You know what? There is no bad blood. Melania can go back to manage the White House. And I will go back to young race car drivers in Miami because I prefer baby sitter over nurse. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Ivana Trump, everyone.

Ivana Trump: I am the first lady.

Colin Jost: First lady. Thank you guys. On a serious note tonight, I just wanted to say if you would like to help the people of Puerto Rico, please make a donation to Somos One Voice.

Michael Che: That’s right. Go to www.somosonevoice.com. Thank you very much. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Harvey Weinstein

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of emojis at left top corner.]

Apple has announced that it will add 100s of new emojis to it’s iOS system including a person at a spa, a vomiting face and a sushing finger. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein] Weinstein who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow, I don’t think that’s gonna help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars and it’s a prison.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Hervey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s a tough spot for a comedian because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. I mean he looks like chewed bubblegum rolled in cat hair. Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, “We all make mistakes.” Nah, man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you– you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law and Order. Your name’s a verb now, dude, as in, “If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m going to cut off his little Harvey.” Ugh! Doesn’t he look like a well dressed skin tag?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Health Care Act, president tweeted, “The Democrats Obamacare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!” You can’t say it’s imploding when you are actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, “Tokyo is totally imploding right now. I alone can solve!”

Experts are now worried that Trump actions could destabilize Obamacare markets which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to all of them. But this is what Trump does. He just messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with a rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt. He just keeps moving. And then we hear, “Clean up on aisle, Puerto Rico.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on healthcare, president Trump walked away without even signing it. But then, good old Mike Pence was there to remind that she forgot to assign homework. Yay!

Sever aids to president Trump are reportedly saying that he is unraveling and losing a step. Okay, but what point exactly was he ever in step? Coz from here, it’s been like nine months of watching the cat try to walk in Timberlands. During the speech at the value voter summit yesterday, president tons of fun said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, we’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Dude, people say ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time. My deli guy is Muslim, and he says Merry Christmas every time he makes a ham sandwich. You know what, I don’t want to say Merry Christmas anymore because I don’t like that Trump supporters always want us to be specific when it’s about stuff that’s important to them. It can’t be ‘Happy holidays.’ It has to be ‘Merry Christmas.’ It can’t be ‘Save the planet.’ It’s gotta be ‘America first.’ But then when somebody wants to stand up for black people or gays or women, they are like, “Hey, wait a minute. What about everybody else?” So, you know what? Don’t think of it as me saying ‘Happy holidays’ anymore. Think of it as me saying ‘All holidays matter.’

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and NBC News logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump continued to question the legitimacy of Network News saying, “It’s frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.” Although, I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported “Hillary Clinton is next president.”

[Picture changes to Niger flag]

Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to president Trump’s autocorrect.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Ditka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I liked it. [Colin Jost laughing] Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka who was critical of NFL player protest said in an interview that there has been no oppression in the last 100 years that he knows of. Oh, really, Mike? So you think your black players actually wanted to do this?

[Cut to a video of athletes singing in the show ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle’.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jamele Hill at right top corner.]

ESPN has suspended host Jamele Hill after she posted on twitter her opposition to Jerry Jones threatening to bench players who kneeled during the anthem. Worse, she will be replaced by– oh, no. Mike Ditka.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a logo of Oreo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [asking Michael Che] What’s that?

Michael Che: Go.

Colin Jost: Okay. Me. Go? Oreo has announced a new contest in which people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their mystery cream. Spoiler alert, the flavor is Gary. [Picture changes to a random white person]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Uh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong-Un. Though, all the plan says is, “Wait for diabetes.”

Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Neil Gorsuch

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme court is also back in session this week with new Trump appointed justice Neil Gorsuch. Here to comment is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Let me at ’em. Let me at ’em. Put ’em up.

Colin Jost: You are coming in swinging, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, no, I can’t go on a swing. I’m too tiny. Last time I went on a swing, I ended up in space.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. So, what do you think of your new colleague, Neil Gorsuch?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ugh! This new guy, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap. If I knew he was coming in so hot, I would have worn an oven mitt. Which is what I use as a sleeping bed. But, I will say, Colin, it’s nice to have nine justices again, because for the last year, we’ve been a hung jury. Except for justice Alito. That guy legislates from the bench, but he measures from the balls. That’s a Gins-burn! What?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Alright. Just, well, you might not have a full bench for long coz justice Kennedy says he’s considering retiring. Are you worried about that?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Of course, I am. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I can’t wait to see the goon Trump brings in next. The honorable justice Steven Seagal? Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote, right? If he goes, it’s gonna be just Roberts. And if he swing and I’m taking my keys out of the bowl. You smell that? What is that?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t kow.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What is– it smells like smoke. What is it? It’s a Gins-burn.

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. Yes. And Kennedy could be the decisive vote in this big new Gerrymandering decision that’s coming up.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yes. Gerrymandering! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Thank you for saying. Look at this. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg pulls out a chart with six lands marked red] Gerrymandering districts. Look at the way the politicians redrew these maps. That’s not a district. That’s a tape worm. They snip. They snip a little here, a little there. Hello, we see what you are doing. It’s like they’re at a cocktail party, they’re taking all the shrimp. And all the democrats are left with this sweaty cheddar. By the way, sweaty cheddar is what they call Steve Bannon in college. Ouch! That’s a nasty Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow! You blew your glasses off. That’s amazing.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: At my age.

Colin Jost: It does seem like you are in good spirits, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I got to be, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] The supreme court justice is the only job where people openly place bets on when you’re going to croak. Well, jokes on you. I made a deal with our female god that I would trade height for years. So, by 2095, I’m going to be the size of a play mobile but I’ll still gonna be kicking ass and taking Boniva.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you are determined to stay and fight?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Who else is going to do it? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] It’s always a woman. It just goes with the territory when you have got Yavoa. Or in my case, two little oxygen masks like they’ve got on an airplane. They look empty and they only drop down in an emergency. That’s a self-Gins-burn. Hello.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice Rugh Bader Ginsburg, everyone.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There has also been a national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh! Thank you. Hey, Colin. Thanks. Um, well, as some of you may know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. A form of depression. Depression affects more than like, 16 million people in this country. And there’s no like, cure per say. But for anyone dealing with it, there are treatments that can help. Like, first of all, if you think you are depressed, see a doctor and talk to them about medication.Also, be healthy. Eating right and exercise can make a huge difference. And finally, if you are in the cast of a late night comedy show, it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, are you saying that you are depressed because you are not getting enough air time?

Pete Davidson: Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more.

Colin Jost: I don’t know if this is maybe the best solution.

Pete Davidson: I mean, it’s worth a shot. I mean, come on! [Cut to Pete Davidson] This show is like eight hours long and there is fifty sketches a week. It seems weird you wouldn’t use one of them to fight mental illness. But I guess that’s not your style.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. But maybe one approach would be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete.

Pete Davidson: That won’t work. [Cut to Pete Davidson] My sketches suck because they’re all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, it’s sort of like a chicken and the egg thing.

Pete Davidson: Exactly. [Cut to Pete Davidson] In fact, chicken and the egg was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected. It was about a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also about black lives matter.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds terrible.

Pete Davidson: It is. So, I need you to write it for me.

Colin Jost: Wait! You haven’t even written it yet?

Pete Davidson: No! I’m depressed. Look, here, [pulls out a paper] I have a doctor’s note. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’ll read it.

Colin Jost: For the air time?

Pete Davidson: Yes. [clearing throat] To whom it may concern. Please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos which I hear are actually really good. [Colin Jost and Michael Che laughing] This doctor is good, man!

Colin Jost: Sounds like a real doctor.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson’s doctor.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds legit. That sounds like a legit– [cheers and applause] Also, I would like to point out Pete, that you like nothing like Rex Tillerson.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: So, give me a mask. Like, what? He looks like a muppet fell in a lake. And that’s just one of the many jokes you will see next week on Pete Davidson’s First Impressions segment.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.