Category:

Porn Doctor

Doctor… Adam Driver

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[The Doctor is in… My Butt 4 intro]

[Cut to Doctor]

Doctor: [talking on the phone] Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh no, he hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.

[Beck walks in. He is wearing sports shirt and shorts.]

Beck: Hi doctor. I need help with my body. [limping] Ou! Ou! Ooh! Ou! [sits on the chair] I hurt my big thigh during the big game right when I was bout to score.

Doctor: Well, maybe I can help you score. Right now. Where does it hurt?

Beck: Way up at the top part of my thigh. I don’t know. About a centimeter below my ball sack.

Doctor: Let me take a look. How does it feel when I do this?

[Doctor massages Beck’s thigh]

Beck: Ah! I don’t know doctor. I’m not gay.

Doctor: Are you sure?

Beck: Good point. I’m convinced. Let’s do sex.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, excuse me Dr. Rock Hard, I had a two o’clock appointment and I still have not been seen.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Huh?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah. All these big muscular guys keep cutting me but my mom said I need to see a doctor right away. I’ve been throwing up all day and my stomach is really sore.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Me too. My groin is sore.

Doctor: And I need to make it more sore.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: What? You’re gonna make it more sore? Alright! I mean, you’re the one who went to medical school. Not me.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Yeah. I graduated best top in my class.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! That’s awesome Dr. Rock Hard.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I’m always on bottom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, that’s nothing to brag about. Anyway, I’ll be in the waiting room with my mom. But please hurry Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out]

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: So, patient. You play soccer? Does that mean you’re good at juggling balls?

Beck: With my feet.

Doctor: Wow, that’s hot.

Beck: But there’s a problem, doctor. I don’t have health insurance.

Doctor: That’s okay. I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.

Beck: Oh-f!

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor. I kind of overheard because I wasn’t all the way gone yet. My mom also doesn’t have health insurance. So can we pay however he is paying?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um…

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I mean she does have health insurance but it doesn’t kick in until the first of the month. She has blue cross.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I have blue balls.

Doctor: Oh, no. You’ll need 50 CCs of boner, stacked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! All this medical talk goes right over my head. But I’m next right?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Are you positive?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah. But don’t tell or they’ll make me leave.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Whatever you say Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out]

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Oh no, doctor. Now my other big thigh hurts.

Doctor: You’re in luck. I got medication that cures anything. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to swallow it.

Beck: Why? Is it big?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. So big.

Beck: How big is it doctor?

Doctor: Too big for you to swallow.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, is it like a gel cap?

Doctor: A what?

Aidy: Coz I know those are big but I can get em’ down with water. And if not, my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes. So, please Dr. Rock Hard, give it to me. My stomach hurts really bad.

Doctor: I can’t give it to you. But I can give it to your mom. Hell, yeah!

Aidy: Oh, okay. That works too. Thank you Dr. Rock Hard. You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor’s office coz when she went on your website this morning, it crashed our whole computer. But I think you’re cool. So thanks for squeezing me in.

Doctor: I love to squeeze things in.

Aidy: I know. You’re gym packed today.

Doctor: About to be.

Aidy: Yeah. Well, it must be hard.

Doctor: It has to be hard.

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.

Doctor: I don’t have any hair.

Aidy: Okay, thanks.

[Aidy walks out]

Doctor: Now let’s get back to your big thigh. But, I think I need a second, third, fourth and fifth opinion.

[four more men walk in tearing off their shirts and touching each other]

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey, wait a minute. All beefed doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello?

[The End]

Golden Globes

Kevin… Adam Driver

Vanessa Bayer

Cody… Kyle Mooney

Madison… Kate McKinnon

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with Kevin and Vanessa receiving the Oscar Award]

Kevin: Dreamworks, this was your vision.

Vanessa: And thank you to Debbie Liberman and the whole team at CAA. And oh, and to this wonderful man beside me. My writing partner and my husband. Kevin, you are my rock.

Kevin: And of course to our two beautiful children, Cody and Madison, mommy and daddy did it!

Vanessa: And if you’re watching this, go to bed.

[Cut to Cody and Madison watching the Oscars on TV]

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed.

Madison: I’m not tired.

[Cody turns off the TV and lights]

[Cody and Madison are brushing teeth]

[Cody and Madison are praying]

Cody: Dear lord. Thank you for giving mommy and daddy a Golden Globe.

Madison: And please watch over us until they get home.

Cody: Amen.

[Cody tucking Madison inside the bed]

Madison: But we didn’t get our story.

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed right now.

[Cody and Madison are on their beds staring at the ceiling]

Madison: Are you awake?

Cody: Yeah.

Madison: Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us?

Cody: I know they are.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party looking at their awards.]

Kevin: We won freaking Golden Globes.

Vanessa: This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[Cut to Cody and Madison]

Madison: Mom looked pretty when she left. Do you think she’s ever gonna come back?

Cody: Yes, of course. [whispering] I don’t know.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party]

Kevin: I just turned next to Leo at the urinal. I saw his whole [bleep]. It’s huge!

Vanessa: I knew it. This whole night is so amazing.

[Cut to Cody and Madison sleeping. They wake by the owl’s noise.]

Madison: What is that?

Cody: It’s probably nothing.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party. Vanessa is sniffing cocaine and Kevin is imitating the award as it’s his penis.]

[Cut to Cody and Madison waiting at home awake]

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa getting to another party where security stops them]

Security: Guys, guys, guys. Stars only.

Kevin: [bleep] you man! Don’t push my wife.

Vanessa: Be a man for once Kevin. Hit him.

Security: You don’t wanna hit me sir.

Kevin: Hold on to your hats. You’re about to get pounded.

[Kevin jumps on security]

[Cut to Cody. He looks at time and it’s 5 in the morning.]

[Cut to the security chasing Kevin and Vanessa]

[Kevin and Vanessa run. Vanessa falls down.]

[Kevin looks at Vanessa, turns around and runs.]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Hey! Come back here!

[Cut to Cody and Madison in the morning. They wake up and go downstairs looking for their parents. The award is broken on the floor.]

Cody: Look, I told you they’d come back.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa sleeping on the couch. They look hammered.]

[Cut to Liev Schreiber making breakfast at the kitchen]

Leiv: You kids like eggs? Good! Me too. Your parents are very cool people. Very cool. We had a good cool time. You kids can dress yourselves for school, right?

Cody and Madison: Um-hmm.

[Leiv starts making eggs and Cody and Madison go to get ready for school]

[Cut to Cody and Madison at the stairs]

Cody: I hate the Globes.

Madison: I love you big brother.

Cody: I love you too.

[The End]

Fred Armisen for David Bowie

Fred Armisen

Fred Armisen: When I was in high school and living in Long Island, I stayed up to see David Bowie play on Saturday Night Live. And watching him was for me a life changing experience. He had these backup singers that were like, choir singers from the future. And a toy put with a TV monitor in his mouth. David Bowie transformed whatever space he was in, whatever medium he was using, and that night for me he transformed a live television. I encourage you go to go nbc.com to watch all of his performances from that night in 1979. And now, David Bowie.

[Cut to old video of David Bowie singing Man Who Sold The World by Nirvana.]

David Bowie: We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world

Awareness Seminar

Vanessa Bayer

Windle… Adam Driver

Harper… Cecily Strong

Jay Pharoah

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a classroom with the students and adults]

Vanessa: Guys, if I had a remote, I’d be hitting mute. Okay? That’s better. So we’re continuing awareness week today with four speakers who’d like to talk to you about bullying.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: Hey team. I’m Windle. This is Harper. And we’re here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school. Who’s familiar with social puppeteering?

[The students have no clue]

Well, it’s surprising.

Harper: Okay, well in simplest terms, it’s manipulating others for your own amusement. Hijacking someone’s reality to feel powerful.

Windle: Here’s an example of something I did. In the sixth grade, I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, “Hey, nice hat.” So, what’s the problem? Nathan wasn’t wearing a hat. If 80 kids say you’re wearing a hat, you start thinking, “Maybe I’m wearing a hat.” And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good. I took the most valuable thing he had, his mind. That’s the idea behind social puppeteering. Any question?

[Cut to the students]

Jay: Yeah. How come we don’t know about this?

Pete: I know. It sounds so fun.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay guys. This shouldn’t sound fun to you, okay? They’re here to tell you how bad it is.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Yeah, absolutely. I mean guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life. I spent thousands of dollars hunting [unintelligible]

[Cut to the students]

Jon: [noting down] Oh, please explain that.

[Cut to Harper]

Harper: Well, I hired day labors to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hanger so he woke up in a three storey bed the length of an Olympic swimming pool thinking he’s now half an inch tall. I mean, I went all out. I got the people who made the Jurassic Park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy long legs he had to fight. Kid peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours. It was pretty great. Also, wrong.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: It really will ruin your life. My brother doesn’t speak to me because I vampired him. I won’t pour you with the details.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: No, no. Please do.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird Albino dude to bite him and run away. And a week later, I started sprinkling a small amount of molly into his dinner every night. So at night he feels amazing but during the day, he feels a little bombed out because the molly was wearing off. So he started craving the night coz that’s when he got the molly. The night time became his magical time. He was convinced that he was a vampire. He bit our dad.

[Cut to the classroom]

Bobby: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt but I think I may have been socially puppeteered. [Cut to Bobby] See, I’m not a transfer student. I’m a 37 year old man. Two months ago, what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called Squiff. But I haven’t heard from them since and they definitely haven’t been paying me. So…

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’m started to say it man, but you got 21 Jump Streeted!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wow! I can’t believe it happened to me.

[Cut to Windle]

Windle: It can happen to anyone.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Don’t be a pupet. Learn more at www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

[The End]

Weekend Update Sturdy Barbie

Barb… Kate McKinnon

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie. But here’s one that didn’t make the cut, Sturdy Barbie.

[Barb slides in]

Barb: [talking with accent] Come on. Come on. I’m a grown woman. Call me Sturdy Barb. How the hell are you, Mike?

Michael Che: I’m good, Barb. How are you feeling?

Barb: You know, I am disappointed. I mean these new gals, they’re nice and all but they’re not exactly a revolution. I mean, look at them.

[Cut to Barb. There’s a picture of Tall barbie at right top corner.]

This one’s tall and dundy.

[Picture changes to Petite barbie]

This one’s short and dundy. And only thing curvy on this girl is [Picture changes to Curvy barbie] her booty. Me on the other hand, I’m a little more new. I don’t know. Maybe people aren’t ready for that.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: How are people not ready?

Barb: You know, I went through rounds of testing and kids were saying like, [Cut to Barb] “Her feet can only fit in crocs.” “Is that a faded tattoo or a boxed removal?” You know, and the biggest complaint, “Most of her breast is nipple.” But other than that, I’m just like the other gals. I got the whole line. I got a dream house. I got a dream car. And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district. And yeah, it is an old Mitsubishi Galant but I own them both at right, fully paid off. And thank you so much. And no, I’m not playing astronaut. I’m not playing veterinarian. I am for real, clock and sixty hours a week behind the Los Vegas desk at Balmore International Airport. And this year I got dental and vision. The only thing I don’t have is, you know, can that tuck me in at night.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, but I’m sure you’ll find somebody.

Barb: Oh, I got somebody. [Cut to Barb] I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Alan who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sure he was. So, Barb, do you think Mattel will ever choose you as a new barbie?

Barb: You know, my gut says I was on shortlist. [Cut to Barb] Maybe next go round, I’ll lose some accessories, the sleep apnea machine, binder fold coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems, and sure, I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I am Trying My Best barbie. I’m Been Through A Lot barbie. I’m a barbie that will help you move a couch. I am Sturdy Barbie and I am gonna get on the shelf.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Sturdy Barbie, everybody.

Barb: My breast is almost whole nipple, though.

Weekend Update Jon Rudnitsky Dirty Dancing

Colin Jost

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Following the success of last week’s Greece live, rumors are now circulating about a possible Dirty Dancing Live starring Channing Tatum. Here to comment is our very own Jon Rudnitsky.

[Jon Rudnitsky slides in]

Jon Rudnitsky: Hey, Colin. How’s it going?

Colin Jost: Great! How are you Jon? What are your thoughts on Dirty Dancing Live?

Jon Rudnitsky: I don’t like it. Channing Tatum? [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] Like, he needs to work? This is theatre on TV. A chance for a regular guy such as myself to truly shine.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not a regular guy. I mean, you’re on SNL.

Jon Rudnitsky: Literally nobody knows that Colin. [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] So, the producers of Dirty Dancing Live, before you make any casting decisions, you don’t wanna hold off because I have a brand new take on it.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you wearing Patrick Swayze wig?

Jon Rudnitsky: Maybe. Don, hit the lights.

[The lights turns off and red dim lights is on.]

[music playing]

[Jon Rudnitsky climbs over the news desk and starts dancing like he’s dancing with someone]

Colin Jost: So Jon, have you seen Dirty Dancing?

Jon Rudnitsky: I have not.

Colin Jost: Jon Rudnitsky, everyone.

Weekend Update Derek Zoolander and Hansel

Colin Jost

Derek Zoolander… Ben Stiller

Hansel… Owen Wilson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week was fashion week in New York city. Here to comment on the latest trends in men’s fashion, please welcome Derek Zoolander and Hansel.

[Derek Zoolander and Hansel slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Wow. You know, I gotta say, you guys look really great.

Derek Zoolander: Oh, no.

Hansel: You don’t have to say that.

Colin Jost: And now, tell us, what’s the latest from Fashion Week?

Hansel: No, no. Listen Colin, we’re not here to talk about fashion. We’re here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about. Politics.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what specifically about politics?

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Fashion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Have you been following the current candidates?

Derek Zoolander: Well, as you know [Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel] they just held the Iowa Kus-kus. Which I skipped because I don’t need carbs.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Well you know, Hillary is from the 90s which are very hot right now.

Derek Zoolander: So hot.

Hansel: They remade the X-files and full house and I don’t know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but OJ Simpson killed again.

Derek Zoolander: Hillary style reminds me of one of my old time fashion icons. Kim Jong Un. Not to name drop but I’m pretty good friends with his sister, Kim Kardashi-Un.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Alright, and what about Bernie Sanders?

Derek Zoolander: Bernie is the champion of the 99%. Apparently, the 99% off the JC Fendi.

Hansel: Yeah, look at that suit. Hey, Chernobyl called. They want their disaster back.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. And then Chernobyl called back and they were like, “Look at that suit!”

Hansel: You know, Bernie is getting lots of young people to vote. But remember kids, voting can be dangerous. One time I was voting and suddenly the booth came in on me. And I was falling and falling into the swirling vortex of light when suddenly I realized, Hansel, haven’t you been drinking Ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head? And it was. Turns out I can’t even vote. I’m a felon.

Derek Zoolander: Cool story Hansel. Next, we got Tom Cruise. [Cut to picture of Ted Cruz] He has totally let himself go. This is a real Mission Impossible for a stylist.

Hansel: Makes me wanna keep my eyes wide shut!

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. He should take his top gun and do some risky business with a cocktail. Jerry McGuire.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Guys, that’s not Tom Cruise. It’s Ted Cruz with a Z.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Derek Zoolander: Zed Cruz? That isn’t even a name.

Hansel: Come on, Colin. Take it easy.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. Why don’t you pop a xanax and chill like your buddy Lester Holt!

[Cut to Michael Che.]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: No, no. Alright, I hesitate to ask you guys this. What do you think of Trump?

Derek Zoolander: Oh, we love him.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: OH yeah.

Derek Zoolander: Donnie’s just like us. He has the classic male model looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Male model like, you mean like, Lu Steel?

Derek Zoolander: Exactly. But Donnie had Orange Mocha Crapaccino. And this one’s called Hot Mess. And finally after Iowa, He’s got a new signature look, Second Place.

Colin Jost: Derek Zoolander and Hansel everyone. For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a KitKat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman is demanding a lifetime supply of KitKats after she bit into one of the candy bars and it didn’t have a wafer inside of it. And in response, KitKat has issued this statement.

[Picture changes to five KitKat bars arranged like showing a middle finger]

[Picture changes to Hellmann’s logo]

Hellmann’s has announced that it is releasing eggless vegan version of it’s mayonnaise. Hellmann’s is calling the product, Colin.

[Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is picture of a bunch of pencils at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Uh, it’s his month.

Michael Che: Oh, man! That’s not nice dude! [laughing]

Colin Jost: A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting more than a 130 pencils in his mouth, which is the same method they use to cast the latest season of the Bachelor. [Picture changes to TV show The Bachelor logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cheese at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin have uncovered more than $90,000 worth of stolen parmesan cheese. Apparently the thief was able to steal so much parmesan by never saying when.

[Picture changes to shredded cheese]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pizza Hut at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In honor of 50th anniversary of the Superbowl, Pizza Hut is giving away pizza covered in edible gold. So kind of look like you won a giant gold metal in the Olympics of sadness.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking February, 2016 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the beginning of a lot of white news anchors telling you it’s Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This week marks the beginning of Black History Month. Back to you Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I never say why do people complain so much about Black History Month. It’s not like you actually have to do anything. There’s no test at the end of it. You don’t have to buy us a gift. There’s no tree. At the most, you gotta sit through a few MLK commercials. And who is so racist that when they watch 30 seconds of ‘I have a dream’, they’re thinking, “Play a white speech.” By the way, this year is a leap year. So there’s an extra day of Black History Month and I’m gonna use it to honor the 29th most important black person in history, [Picture changes to Scottie Pippen] Scottie Pippen.

[Picture changes to marijuana]

A California company has created a new marijuana based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual pain. And ladies, if you’re lucky, it might give your boyfriend the munchies.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

It’s a thinking. [laughing]

Colin Jost: It’s not a thinker!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican’s logo at left top corner.]

Well, we have real actual breaking news here tonight. Less than an hour ago, the republicans held a presidential debate at New Hampshire and things got off to a real rocky start. Here is actual footage of Ben Carson’s entrance where the one thing he forgot to do was enter.

[Cut to video clip from Republicans presidential debate]

[Chris Christie walking]

Male voice: New Jersey governor, Chris Christie.

Female voice: Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carso walks half way and stops]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh man! Of all people, you’d never expect Ben Carson to fall asleep at the wheel. But don’t worry. Look, he’s a neurosurgeon, he’ll figure things out.

[Cut to video clip of Ben Carson moving forward]

Male voice: Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ben Carson stops again and looks behind at Ted Cruz walking and he lets him pass and he waits.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, that was Ted Cruz as he has always been, very helpful to Ben Carson. I just loved that the stage hand waved at Ben Carson to get on the stage and Ben Carson just stared at him so long that even the stage hang just gave up. But don’t worry. While Dr. Carson was back there, he made a friend.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing together]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Those two won’t even enter the debate. That’s how badly they want to be outsiders. But the ending– the ending, was my favorite part.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing]

Female voice: Former Florida governor, Jeb Bush.

[Jeb Bush walks pass them]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What a great look from Jeb. And that is something you will never see again, Jeb Bush passing Donald Trump.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

There was also a debate this week between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, which was hosted by MSNBC and broadcast at 500 decibels.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump finished second in the voting between Ted Cruz and third place finisher Marco Rubio, turning Trump into what he loves the most, a lose surrounded by Hispanics.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s photo in the middle of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio’s photos.]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

On his first visit to a US mosque, president Obama called on television producers to create Muslim characters that are not related to issues of national security. Although, Mr. President, if you really want to reach TV producers, say it at a Synagogue.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz and his wife.]

Colin Jost: Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress, Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. It’s something most couple refer to as ‘Irreconcilable differences’. And by the way, if you’re wondering, Ted Cruz’s favorite musical is rent, because he loves how it depicts a young artist with New York values, dying without access to affordable healthcare.