Month: November 2018

Emergency Alert: Season 44 Episode 2

…..Leslie Jones

…..Kate McKinnon

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Seth Meyers

…..Heidi Gardner

[Leslie Jones is walking]

Voiceover: On Wednesday you received the first ever presidential alert.

Leslie Jones: Presidential alert?

Voiceover: [Cut to phone screen of Leslie Jones] This system was the result of years of careful planning for use only in cases of national emergency.

Kate McKinnon: “Failing New York Times says I cheated on Taxes. Duh! It’s called being smart.” What is this?

Voiceover: [Cut to Aidy Bryant sitting on her sofa with her kid] Finally a system for reaching all Americans when it counts most.

Aidy Bryant: “Alert, Puerto Rico is fine now! I guess the paper towels work!”

Voiceover: [Cuts to different Presidents giving speech] Every president since FDR has communicated directly with the American people. He had fire sight chats. And now President Trump has emergency alerts.

Kate McKinnon: “Hurricane Florence got the Carolinas so wet I thought it was the premiere of ‘Magic Mike’.”

Voiceover: With presidential alerts, you’ll hear about every emergency. [Cut to Leslie Jones inside meeting hall with her colleagues.]

Leslie Jones: “September 11th was almost a month ago.” Is that even information?

Seth Meyers: [Cut to Seth Meyers on his bed playing video game with head phones on.] “Warning: white men are under attack.” Oh, no.

Aidy Bryant: [Cut to Aidy Bryant] “Kid rock sounds better than ever?”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate McKinnon’s phone’s screen.] “Congrats to good guy Brett Kavanaugh, #BelieveMen”

Hi. [Cut to Kate McKinnon throwing her phone into hotdog shop’s water container.]

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie Jones walking inside her office.] “Amber alert: Remember Tiffany Amber-Thiessen? That’s when women were slam dunks.”

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi Gardner sitting in her office talking to Leslie Jones.] Wait a second. I’m not getting any of these alerts on my phone.

Leslie Jones: You’re not?

Heidi Gardner: No. Thanks, Cricket Wireless.

Voiceover: Cricket Wireless. Now, aren’t you happy we have awful service? Join now for only $2.99 per decade. Our phones have candy inside.

Beta Force: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Man in the commercial…..Seth Meyers

Woman in the commercial…..Aidy Bryant

Announcer: [ Man is jogging down the street. ] When you get older, your body produces a lot less testosterone. [ Cut to a gauge depleting from 100% to 0% with a title that says, ‘Testosterone Levels.’ ] [ Cut to the man and woman tucking themselves into bed. ] And that affects everything that makes you [ Cut to the man looking under the covers at his pelvic region. ] feel like a man. [ The woman sits up and looks at the man with a sigh. ] And you know she can tell. But before you face a full-on vitality crisis, [ Cut to the man using a remote control on the couch. ] you find a testosterone boosting [ Cut to the TV. A giant container of MAXXX Sport drops on the screen. ] supplement on TV. And you know it’s effective [ The man sits up and looks closer at the TV. ] because it’s in a giant black canister. [ The TV shows three more containers of MAXXX. ] And endorsed by the strongest retired athlete money can buy. [ A bald beefy man appears on the screen holding a canister of MAXXX. He says, ‘Get your balls back!’ ] Your soul. [ Cut to the man stirring a glass with a pink liquid in it. ] And before you know it. [ The man drinks from the glass. ] You’re a brand new man. [ Cut to the man who is now bald, smiling, and wearing dark sunglasses and a tight shirt. ] You’re running faster. [ The man is sprinting on a treadmill. ] Training harder. [ The man is doing push-ups then cut to the man kicking a dummy and screaming with rage. ] And lasting longer. [ Cut to the man and woman in bed. The woman is smiling. He does a belly flop onto the bed. ] You did it hos! [ The man is smacking his biceps in the gym. ] You’re a man again. Only one problem. You’ve turned into a full psycho. Look at yourself man. [ He walks into his office at work. ] You’re wearing skin-tight muscle shirts to work, now? You’re in your mid-50’s with a jet black goatee. [ His coworkers are giving him disgusted faces. ] That ain’t normal, man. [ Cut to the man having rough sex with his wife. He is sweating and making an awkward orgasm face. ] You think it’s cool porno railing your wife? She has osteoporosis. [ Cut to the woman looking worn out and massaging her own hand. ] You monster! You know what that must feel like for her? [ The woman is holding her hip in pain. ] You’re cracking eggs with a sledgehammer, bro. [ Cut to the man flirting with an intern at work. ] And let’s not even get into that intern you’ve been creeping on. You’re freaking her out. [ The intern looks uncomfortable. ] You do remember your wife, right? The one on the couch [ The woman is sitting on the couch with an old fashioned ice pack on her crotch area. ] icing down her shattered pelvis. She needs a break, chief. All that extra testosterone [ The man is seen punching the dummy, then sprinting on the treadmill. ] has made you an aggressive alpha nightmare. [ He is smiling with aggression. ] That’s why you need [ The announcer’s voice becomes soft and friendly and a canister of Beta Force is shown on the screen. ] Beta Force. The only supplement that can counteract and undo all that other junk you’ve been taking. [ A computer graphic shows a muscular man soften up and become chubby again. ] So you can be a regular middle-aged man again. [ The man is back to his normal self smiling at his kitchen table. ] [ Cut to the canister of Beta Force. ] With odorless, tasteless, completely undetectable, Beta Force. [ Cut to the woman sneaking the Beta Force powder into the man’s drink. ] Before you know it, you’ll be back to your old self again. [ The man walks over to the woman sitting on the couch. He has a pooched belly and they are both smiling. He sits down next to her and she hands him the drink she had just mixed. ]

Man: I love you, honey.

Woman: Oh, I love you, too. [ The man drinks from the glass. She looks at the camera. ] Thanks, Beta Force.

Man: What’s Beta Force?

Woman: Huh? [ She winks at the camera. ]

Movie Talkback: Season 44 Episode 3

Andrew Phillips…..Seth Meyers

Malcolm Seats…..Kenan Thompson

Audience 1…..Aidy Bryant

Audience 2…..Kate McKinnon

Audience 3…..Beck Bennett

Audience 4…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 5…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 6…..Leslie Jones

Audience 7…..Cecily Strong

[ Image of an IFC movie theatre with the title: ‘Special Screening: South of Mason’. ] [ Cut to a curtain closing in front of a movie screen. Andrew Phillip and Malcolm Seats sitting in front of the curtain. ]

Malcolm: Alright, thank you, everyone. I am Malcolm Seats, the head of programming here at IFC cinemas. And I hope you all enjoy tonight’s special screening of South of Mason. Please welcome the director, Mr. Andrew Phillips.

Andrew: Thank you all so much for being here. [ Cut to the audience in the movie theatre. Everyone is clapping and smiling. ] This movie [ cut back to Andrew and Malcolm. ] means everything to me. And if it doesn’t win some awards, well that’s gonna hurt.

Malcolm: Well, I know our audience is brimming with questions. So, let’s get right to it.

Audience 1: Yeah, hi, I have a question. [ Cut to Audience member approaching the microphone. ] Any reason the father was played by a man?

Andrew: I guess because the character was a father.

Audience 1: Yeah, and I noticed, you’re also not a woman. Interesting.

Andrew: I’m sorry I don’t know how to answer that.

Audience 1: Hmm, why don’t you give me one good reason you’re not Latino? Twitter’s gonna love that. Anyway, perfect movie. And congrats on everything.

Malcolm: Apologies, Mr. Phillips. People really feel empowered when they get in front of a mic. Yes, next.

[ Cut to the second audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 2: Yes, excuse me, why did you do the names?

Andrew: The names?

Malcolm: I think she’s talking about the credits.

Audience 2: Yes, the list of names at the end. That made me weep. Is that a list of the dead?

Andrew: No. That’s just the cast and crew.

Audience 2: And uh, they are dead?

Andrew: Dead? No.

Audience 2: So they will never die?

Andrew: What? No.

Audience 2: A beautiful film. Very sad. Very sexy. For this experience, I will sit on you.

Andrew: Oh, please don’t.

Malcolm: You sure?

Andrew: Yeah, I’m sure.

Malcolm: Alright then. Next question. And please be respectful of Mr. Phillips time.

Andrew: That’s okay, this is my only thing tonight. Do you have a question, sir?

[ Cut to the third audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 3: Yes. What does your father think of the film?

Andrew: I don’t know. I actually never met my father.

Audience 3: Well, now you have.

Andrew: Oh my God. Dad?

Malcolm: No. That is Maurice. And he works concessions weekday mornings. Get out of here Maurice.

Audience 3: I’m proud of you, son!

Malcolm: You don’t have kids, Maurice.

[ Cut to the fourth audience member at the microphone. She is holding an old-fashioned suitcase. ]

Audience 4: [ She speaks high pitched with a slight southern belle accent. ] Pardon me. Pardon me. I just got off the train, and I’m so lost and scared. I ain’t never been to New York before. [ She breaks character and speaks normally. ] Hi, Adele Dazeem. Actress, and when I get too old, writer. Mr. Philips, I’d love to be involved in your next project.

Andrew: Great, I’m working on a play.

Audience 4: Oh, pass. [ She walks off. ]

Andrew: Yes, hi, do you have a question?

[ Cut to the fifth audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 5: Yeah, umm. Why wasn’t there any hip-hop in the movie?

Andrew: Because it takes place during World War Two.

Audience 5: Okay, because I was thinking something like um.. [ He begins to rap. ] Growing up. Showing up to nothing. Wishing daddy would say something but not one thing that I ask.

Malcolm: Ooh. Nope. Moving on!

Andrew: Hey, is it always like this?

Malcolm: Well, believe it or not, yes. We give away the tickets on a public bus.

[ Cut to the 6th audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 6: I have a question. Is there a reception after this?

Andrew: Yes.

Audience 6: And how long should that last?

Andrew: Hour tops.

Audience 6: Okay, okay. I see. Now, if you live 20 minutes from here, what time would you make it home?

Andrew: 20 minutes from here? I don’t know. 11, 11:30?

Audience 6: Hmmm. So tell me why this man right here thinks it’s okay to roll up in my house at 3 am? Smelling like corn liquor because he said he had a reception at work.

Malcolm: I will see you at home, Rhonda.

Audience 6: If you have a home to come to. [ She walks off, and the seventh audience member walks up to the microphone holding a small dog in a carrying pouch. ]

Audience 7: Umm, excuse me. I like the movie, but my daughter disagrees. [ She points to her dog. ]

Malcolm: That’s a dog ma’am, and you can’t have that in here.

Audience 7: Well, what am I supposed to do?! Leave her at home? She’ll commit suicide!

Malcolm: And that’s all the time we have for today.

Andrew: Oh wow.

Malcolm: Thank you, Mr. Phillips, for being here.

[ Audience member 6 walks over to Malcolm. ]

Audience 6: We go home now?!

Malcolm: Yes, okay. Let’s go.

[ Cut to image of outside the theatre front. ]

Traffic Stop: Season 44 Episode 3

Cop 1…..Leslie Jones

Cop 2…..Ego Nwodim

Man…..Seth Meyers

Cop 3…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of a busy freeway at night. ] [ Cut to Cop 1 & 2 standing in front a car. The man is walking over to them; he has been pulled over. ]

Cop 1: Sir, just stand over here. We’re gonna ask you a couple of questions. You’re in a lot of trouble, sir.

Man: I know. I know.

Cop 2: Okay, well since you know so much..do you know why we stopped you?

Man: I guess I missed the stop sign back there.

Cop 1: Yeah, that’s right you did. And do you know why we asked you out of your car?

Man: Not really.

Cop 2: Because you fine as hell. That’s why.

Man: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Cop 1: What my partner is trying to say is you a zaddy, and you can get it.

Cop 2: And if you act right, you might could keep it. [ The two cops laugh and high five. ] [ Cut to intro for ‘Thirsty Cops.’ The theme song is playing: Thirsty cops. Thirsty cops. They’re thirsty cops. Fighting crime but if their perp is fine, they’ll take their time. They’re thirsty cops. ] [ Cut back to the two cops with the man outside his car. ]

Cop 2: So where are you coming from?

Man: A party.

Cop 1: What kind of party?

Man: A work party.

Cop 1: Woohoo! So he got a job. [ The two cops high five again and dance around. ] He got a job. Ha ha ha ha.

Cop 2: An employed brother! We got an employed brother.

Man: Why is that such a good thing?

Cop 1: Because [ She sings Gold Digger by Kanye West. ] we ain’t messing with no broke broke.

Cop 2: Now I ain’t seeing we a gold digger..

Cop 1 & 2: But I ain’t messing with no broke, broke, broke.

Man: Sorry to interrupt your song officers, but am I in trouble?

Cop 2: Oh yeah, we might even need you to go downtown.

Cop 1: Do you like to go downtown? [ She makes a motion with her pelvic area. ]

Man: Look, I know what you guys are talking about, and this feels like harassment.

Cop 2: Okay. Harassment? Or my assment? [ The cops turn around and stick out their butts towards the man. ]

Man: Alright.

Cop 2: Okay sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Cop 1: And anything you say or do may be held [ She places her hand across her chest. ] against my body. To turn me on.

Man: I’m sorry. Is this real?

Cop 2: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very real. Very real. Have you been drinking?

Man: I had a whiskey or two, although right now, I wish I had a couple more.

Cop 1: Ohhh, okay! So you a whiskey man? Fine and refine.

Cop 2: Okay, okay. So we talking a Seagrams 7 or more like a Seagrams 9 and a half? [ She points at the man. ]

Cop 1: Whaaat?! Look I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a ton of DUI’s, and the process was never like this.

[ A third cop walks up to the man from off stage. ]

Cop 3: Alright, alright. What seems to be the problem over here?

Man: Oh, thank God, you’re here Officer. These two are being very inappropriate.

Cop 3: Okay, what’s inappropriate, Sir, is you walking around with that ass.

Man: Oh boy. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer cop 3 on and cop 3 sticks out her tongue. ]

Cop 3: Excuse me, my friend, I’m going to need to phone this in. Car 51 a dispatch suspect is exactly my type. Hot but not cocky. Effortless style. Repeat, suspect is exactly my type. [ Cop 1 & 2 laugh in agreement with cop 3. ]

Cop 1: We’re gonna need you to walk now, sir.

Man: No, I’m not gonna do that. This is illegal.

Cop 2: Wait, sir. Sir. You’ve admitted to drinking, and you’ve had a traffic violation. You’re gonna need to do as we say.

Cop 1: Now, walk!

Man: Alright. [ The man walks across in front of the cops. ]

Cop 1: Yes. [ The three cops check out the man as he walks. ] Turrrrnnnn. [ He turns around. ] Yeah, turn again. [ He keeps turning. ] Yahhh.

Cop 3: Hands on your knees, please sir. Yeppp. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer as the man bends over to put his hands on his knees. ]

Now sir, sir. I’m gonna need you to look back at it. [ The three cops laugh and cheer. Cops 1 & 2 do a little dance. ]

Cop 3: Hot, cha, cha. Looks like your gals got this covered, you lucky bitches.

Look enough, I swear, I’m good to drive. Okay?

Oh, well, prove it! If I was a car, how would you ride me?

I’d put my hands on 10 and 2 [ He motions putting his hands on the wheel. ] and go full throttle till I run out of gas. [ Cop 1 & 2 scream with joy. ]

Okay. Okay. He tried it.

He tried it.

I tried it. And I liked it.

[ The two cops laugh and scream with joy. Then the two cops make a siren noise waving their arms over their heads. ] [ Cut to Thirsty Cops outro with a message that says, ‘Please Drink Responsibly.’ The theme music sings, Thirsty Cops. ]

Weekend Update: Amazon 4-Star: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are seated at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Amazon has opened a new store that only sells the company’s highest rated items called Amazon 4-Star. And there’s also a store that sells Amazon’s lowest rated items, called RadioShack.

MICHAEL CHE: A new exhibit has opened at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, dedicated to the life of his slave, Sally Hemmings, who gave birth to six of his children. And you know they are his kids, because they all got that good hair.

COLIN JOST: A vintage airplane will soon be installed at JFK airport and turned into a cocktail lounge. While at Laguardia, it’s now boarding at Gate 32.

MICHAEL CHE: A man in North Dakota was arrested after he climbed into the holy water fountain at mass and started masturbating. Okay, but show me where exactly in the Bible it says you can’t do that.

 

Weekend Update: U.N.’s Climate Change Report: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. Well, guys, hi. [ He points to an image of Trump and Kanye shaking hands. ] This was pretty crazy. But look, it’s not the end of the world. Okay, because this is the end of the world. [ He points to an image of the world with the words ‘Catastrophic Climate Change by 2030. ] That’s right scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth this week. And people were like, but yeah, what does Taylor Swift think about it? We don’t really worry about climate change because it’s too overwhelming and we’re already in too deep. It’s like if you owe your bookie a $1000, you’re like, ‘I gotta pay this dude back.’ But if you owe you’re bookie a million dollars, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m just gonna die.’

MICHAEL CHE: This story’s been stressing me out all week. I just keep asking myself, ‘Why don’t I care about this?” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I 100% believe in climate change, but yet, I am willing to do absolutely nothing about it. I mean we are all gonna lose the planet. We should be sad, right. This whole episode should be a telethon or something, but it’s not. I think it’s because they keep telling us we’re going to lose everything and nobody cares about everything. People only care about some things. Like if Fox News reported that in 2030 climate change was gonna take away all the flags and Confederate statues, oh there would be recycling bins outside of every Cracker Barrell and Dick’s Sporting Goods. White dudes would learn how to recycle then. Black dudes already know how to recycle good. Every container in my apartment used to be something else. But you know how much more black people would care about the planet if you told us we were going to lose Atlanta in 10 years? Black dudes would put windmills on their rims. You want white women to care about the environment? Tell them that if they don’t do something about climate change, we’re gonna lose all the yarn. White women love yarn. No more hats, no more scarves. No more of those ridiculous socks you knit for your dog.

COLIN JOST: Yarn. In a new interview, Melania Trump changed her explanation for wearing the ‘I really don’t care do you?’ jacket, saying she did at as a message for the liberal media. Then what was the message behind your African safari look? Was it a warning not to play Jumanji? I mean just admit that it was tone deaf. I mean, at this point I’m surprised she didn’t show up to the Kavanaugh hearing dressed as the St. Pauli girl. A new report claims that Taylor Swift’s Instagram post endorsing mid-term candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy’s got 6 million people to vote for, ‘Which burger can get it?’

Weekend Update: Goop Staffer Basking Johns: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Michael Che

Baskin Johns…..Heidi Gardner

[ Inside the newsroom, Michael and Coli are seated at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop, celebrated its tenth anniversary last week. Here to tell us about the latest in self-care is Goop staffer, Baskin Johns. [ Baskin Johns slides over in her chair to join Michael at the news desk. ] So Baskin, how long have you been working at Goop?

Baskin Johns: So, I started at Goop pretty recently. But, um, I just finished my product knowledge training. So, I’m very excited to share some Goop skin care with you.

MICHAEL CHE: That’s great. And I bet Gwyneth is watching.

Baskin Johns: Oh, yeah. Hadn’t thought about that. Okay. So, alright. Um. [ She pulls out a beauty care product. ] So, up first is our Goop Revitalizing Lotion. It’s the number one most revitalizing lotion in the world. Rated number one in revitalization. Right? Yeah. No, yeah. That’s right. Sorry. Like I said, there is a lot of products to memorize at Goop. And, um, I just wanted to get it right, if Gwyn’s tuning in.

MICHAEL CHE: I hope I didn’t freak you out when I said Gwyneth might be watching.

Baskin Johns: No, Oh my God, no. I’m good. Okay.

MICHAEL CHE: Because, Goop is a pretty big company.

Baskin Johns: Yeahhh. Yeahhh. Uh-huh. Um. You know we actually have our own science labs.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh, wow and I assume there is no animal testing and its cruelty free.

Baskin Johns: Yes, there’s no animals involved. All the testing and cruelty is done on and to the staff.

MICHAEL CHE: So you test the products on yourselves?

Baskin Johns: Speaking of, I have another product that I wanted to get out there. [ She puts the product in her hand aside and pulls out a smaller container. ] So this is our Goop Luminous Solution. And it’s uh [ She hesitates. ] …number one most luminous solution in the world. [ She hesitates again. ] Rated number one in luminous-ization.

MICHAEL CHE: I thought the first lotion was rated [ He imitates her voice. ] ‘number one’.

Baskin Johns: Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah, no. Yeah. Actually. [ She holds up both the products. ] So these two lotions are tied for number one best supporting lotion. [ She pretend fights the lotion containers. ] They’re duking it out.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, I actually like the smell of that one.

Baskin Johns: Yeah! Can you smell the number ones in there? [ She opens the smaller container and holds is close to Michael’s face. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, okay, so Baskin..I don’t know what number ones are. What would you say is Goop’s mission statement?

Baskin Johns: Oh. [ She hesitates to speak while attempting to close the lotion several times. ] Sa Goop? Sa Goop…So Goop. Okay, Gwyneth is watching. Hi Gwyneth. So Goop, ummmm. So Goop is to me, okay so… Goop is, I don’t even know what Goop is [ She begins to cry a little. She holds up the two lotion bottles. ] This is Goop.

MICHAEL CHE: You seem a little on edge. Is Gwyneth Paltrow like a hard person to work for?

Baskin Johns: Noooo. Noo. No. No, no, no, no. [ She begins to nod. ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, um. What are you doing to me? You’re going to make me Goop my pants. Oh my God, which would be an honor Gwyn. I would love to Goop my pants.

MICHAEL CHE: Baskin Johns everybody.

Baskin Johns: I’ll get it right next time, Gwyn. I promise. I promise I will.

Halloween Gig: Season 44 Episode 3

Trese Henderson (Singer)…..Kenan Thompson

Jenks (Electric Piccolo)…..Seth Meyers

Brad Dates (Keyboardist)…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Chris Redd

Audience 2…..Leslie Jones

[ Image of the outside of a Residence Inn Marriott. ] [ Cut to the inside of presentation room inside the hotel. There is a band on stage, one man is playing the keyboard, another is playing the flute, and the third is in the middle singing on the microphone. There are pumpkins decorating the set. ]

Trese: [ Music is playing. ] Yes, I will ignore. Yes, thank you very much. Hello, Kingston residents in the Marriott. Once again I am Trese Henderson, and this is the Trese Henderson Trio. We are moments away from announcing the winners of the adult Halloween Costume Contest. [ Cut to the audience of the band sitting at three tables in costumes. ] For adults only. [ Cut back to the band. ] But first, let’s get back to the show! [ The band starts to play music, again. ] Tweedle-de-dee Tweedle-de-snatch Tweedle-de-snacks inside the pumpkin. [ Intense short piccolo solo. Music ends. ] Ladies and gentlemen, I could not stand up here in front of you tonight without the amazing little babies you see behind me. Brad Dates on keyboard.

Brad: 100% Tres! [ Short keyboard solo. ]

Trese: I told you! And our newest edition Mr. Jenks on the electric piccolo.

Jenks: Watch me fly, Trese! [ Short piccolo solo. The piccolo zaps him. ] Ooh, ooh, ooooooh! I got a little shock.

Trese: From the electricity in your piccolo?

Jenks: That would be my guess, Trese.

Trese: Wow! Well this week went from bad to worst for you, didn’t it?

Jenks: Oh I’m fine.

Trese: You were sad in the car.

Jenks: I was quiet.

Trese: I think you were sad. Is is about that thing?

Jenks: I don’t want to talk about it here.

Trese: The thing, that the doctor said he thought you had.

Brad: That’s personal, Trese.

Jenks: Seriously, you don’t need to worry about it.

Trese: Well, as your roommate, I think I do. Because we use the same washcloths.

Jenks: Drop it!

Trese: Fine!

[ The band begins to play music, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-pop. Tweedle-de-candle inside the pumpkin top. [ The music ends. ] Alright, how is everybody feeling tonight?

[ Cut to the two audience members sitting at the center table up front. ]

Audience 2: Confused. What’s going on with your piccolo player.

Audience 1: Yeah, we have some theories on what’s going on. I think he has athlete’s foot.

Audience 2: I think he got panty crickets.

[ Cut back to the band on stage. ]

Trese: Did you hear that Jenk’s? We are all wondering if you have panty crickets? People care. Open up.

Jenks: Let’s just do the gig, and not worry the people.

Brad: Respect his boundaries, Trese.

Trese: I am just trying to help. My intentions are pure.

[ The band begins to play, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-north. Tweedle-de-south. What did the pumpkin say out his Halloween mouth? [ The music ends. His phone rings. ] Oh, I’m getting a phone call. [He answers his cell phone. ] Kingston medical? Yes, hello. Yes, this is Trese. Yes, I’m with him right now. Jenks, it’s your doctor.

Jenks: Well, you’re my emergency contact.

Trese: Aww, that’s sweet.

Jenks: Can I talk to them?

Trese: Well, who’s stopping ya?

Jenks: Okay, so I do have it. How’d I get it? But, I never touched one of those. Oh, I did lick it. Of course, I have clothes. Get rid of them? What about my roommates clothes? So we need to rid of his, as well?

Trese: Even my Gucci shoes?! Ask the doctor if shoes are clothes.

Jenks: He said everything.

Trese: Not my Gucci shoes! But does he know that the shoes are Gucci?

Jenks: He heard you, and he said, ‘yes.’

Trese: Oh my Gucci shoes! I have to throw them away because of your panty crickets?

Jenks: I’m so sorry Trese. I know how much you love your Gucci shoes.

Trese: Yes Jenks. They were my friends. Tell that to my Gucci shoe.

[ The music begins again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-twop. Tweedle-de-pumpkin from the tree top! [ The music ends. ]

Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe: Season 44 Episode 3

Mary Anne Conroe…..Aidy Bryant

Bayou Benny…..Beck Bennett

Seth Meyers…..Seth Meyers

Taylor Swift…..Heidi Gardner

Chili Pepper with Sunglasses…..Kate McKinnon

Giant Biscuit…..Alex Moffat

[ Opening image reads “AOC Public Access Lafayette LA” ]

Voiceover: You’re watching AOC Public Access Lafayette Louisiana. Coming up next is Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe.

[ Cut to intro for Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe which has the title and an alligator in front of a swamp scenery. ] [ Cut to Mary Anne sitting with a beer can and a glass of beer. ]

Mary Anne: Oh hey there! I’m Mary Anne Conroe. And ‘dis be the Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe. The number one most progressive panel show south of the Atchafalaya base. Let’s get the hootin’ and the hollerin’ for the little crawdaddy that gonna turn these red states blue. It’s Bayou Benny!

[ Cut to Benny Bayou. ]

Benny: Aw, hey there, now how Y’all be doing that there, that now, that Y’all be doing that now here, huh? Okay, good, good. Welcome back now to the liberal lagniappe. My name Bayou Benny and this week’s sponsors of the show be ANTIFA. [ Cut to black screen with ANTIFA logo and the words that Benny says next. ] ‘ANTIFA We angrier den a box of ghosts what been trapped in dat dare box by a witch!’ [ Cut back to Benny. ] Okay, now got a lot of the liberal agenda to get through today. Let’s meet that dare panel. She’s the southern liberal I called who don’t spoke on some of that lecture for the rocky top state of Tennessee, it’s da Taylor Swift.

[ Cut to Taylor Swift. ]

Taylor: [ She gives peace signs on both her hands. ] Hi Y’all. People decided they liked me again.

Benny: [ He gives a loud chuckle. ] Okay now, our next panelist here done graduate a magna cum laude from dat done Toulon University. And is the best damn friend dare I done have. Please welcome da awnry gator dat done be sleeping under my house.

[ Cut to an alligator that’s the size of a man. ]

Benny: And our ‘herd panelist there, for this here show that we been doin’ now on here be our Chief White House Correspondent here at the Liberal Lagniappe, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the chilli pepper with da sunglas ses.

[ Cut to a giant chili pepper with sunglasses. ]

Chili Pepper: Thanks so much for having me Benny, I’m looking forward to meeting for dialogue.

Benny: Ha, ha. Me too, me too Chili Pepper. And our final panelist on this here show here be the host of the Late Night with Seth Meyers. It’s da, Seff Meyers.

[ Cut to Seth Meyers. ]

Seth: What is this?

[ Benny and the panelists are seated together at a table. ]

Benny: Oh you know what it is. You’re on the Liberal Lagniappe. Now what you dawn done right now bout that right now dare now done now, you here?

Seth: Yes?

Benny: [ Benny chuckles loudly. ] Now what you think about the big ol’ news of the day?

Seth: What’s the big ol’ news of the day?

Benny: Oh yes sir.

Seth: [ He looks confused. ] I guess…I don’t know. Trump’s comments about Brett Kavanaugh are pretty outlandish. I mean to say he was proven innocence is just down right false.

Chili Pepper: Now I have to agree.

Taylor: Yeah, way out of line.

[ The alligator makes a whooshing growling sound in agreement. ]

Chili Pepper: Exactly. And what about Trump saying Democrats are too dangerous to govern?

Taylor: Ahh, don’t even get me started.

Yeah, it’s wild to see Republicans politicize the Supreme Court like this. It kind of undermines the entire institution.

[ A siren goes off and a red light flashes. ]

Benny: Oh, ohhh. Now dat dare’s one spicy little dank there Mr. Meyers. You know what that means?

Seth: Uh? That I’m insightful and socially conscious?

Benny: Uh uhh, no, it’s means that you got to wrestle with this here big ol’ biscuit.

[ A man in a giant biscuit costume comes out wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Seth: Oh, oh okay, so I think I’m getting it. You guys are all liberal?

Benny: Oh, that’s right!

Seth: And that’s why you want me to wrestle the maga biscuit.

Benny: Oh, yes sir.

Seth: Well, I’m not gonna wrestle the biscuit.

Benny: Well, that’s your decision then.

Biscuit: I guess I’ll just go den…

[ Mary Anne comes over to the biscuit with a broom and sweeps him out of the room. The Biscuit man looks sad and runs off. ]

Mary Anne: Go on, get outta here Biscuit!

Benny: Get on outta here Biscuit! Nobody want ya!

Mary Anne: Get outta here!!!

Benny: Go on back to your pan, you biscuit!!! Dang done biscuit!! Woo! Well folks, since we done be wrapping things up here at the liberal lagniappe, I think it’s time we took a da closer look at dis here.

[ Cut to title screen that reads: ‘Do Closer Look At Dis Here.’ ]

Benny: Oh. Now here now, see now here, since that there big ol’ possum with a toothache, Mr. Trump done gone lost dat dare lady UN ambassador. Seth, who dat gone be next dat you gone done think gonna take over that post?

Seth: I’m sorry, I could not understand a word that you are saying.

Benny: Seth, who dat gone be next that you think gone take over that there post?

Seth: Are you asking a question? I can’t tell.

[ Benny gasps for air. ]

Benny: The lady UN ambassador.

Seth: Nikki Haley, yes.

Benny: She done gone flew out dat dere White House like a cat lick late for sin practice, huh?

Seth: I genuinely don’t know what you mean by that.

Benny: [ He sighs. ] She done dem take dem feet she got and she put da one in front of da other…guh-dunk-a-dunk, guh-dunk-a-dunk. And den walked up dat whole body dare and put it up dem dare right out da White House. Huh?

Seth: What, I mean…you’re saying she resigned? Yeah.

Benny: And dat’s our show dare folks. Y’all have a good night now. And tune in next week when James Carville gonna eat a whole rubber. Okay, see you den.

Cuban Vacation: Season 44 Episode 3

Reynolds…..Seth Meyers

Deidre…..Heidi Gardner

Man 1…..Kenan Thompson

Woman 1…..Aidy Bryant

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Man 2…..Beck Bennett

Restaurant Manager…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of the outside of a restaurant. ] [ Cut to a table of 6 inside the restaurant. 2 of the seats remain empty, while the other 4 have two couples seated at them. ]

Woman 1: Should we just go? I mean they’re not here yet.

Woman 2: Good thing we ate.

Man 2: They keep texting me that they’re just around the corner.

Man 1: Well, they’ve been around the corner for the past three hours.

Woman 2: There they are.

Woman 1: Deidre, Reynolds, you guys made it. [ Deidre and Reynolds enter the room and sit at the table. Reynolds mutters, “Hi, oh hi you guys.” ] We were getting worried.

Deidre: Oh my God. Is it 11:43 pm?

Man 1: Yes it is. We already ate, and this place is about to close.

Deidre: Oh, I’m sorry. We just got back from Coo-ba yesterday.

Reynolds: We’re jet-lagged from the Coo-ba flight.

Deidre: Yeah.

Woman 2: The Cuba? How long is that flight?

Woman 1: Yeah, because we are in Florida.

Man 2: Yeah isn’t that like the same time zone?

Deidre: Again, yeah, I’m sorry, but we are on Coo-ban time.

Reynolds: Yeah.

Man 1: Okay, so the same time?

Woman 2: So, did you guys have fun?

Reynolds: Mmhmm.

Deidre: Uhh.

Reynolds: Mmm.

Deidre: Uhh.

Reynolds: Mmm.

[ Deidre giggles. ]

Deidre: Fun? I mean everything is a party in C00-ba.

Reynolds: Coo-ba is alive with music and color and wild women in the streets.

Deidre: Oh, I mean, you know. They’re poor, but they’ve got rhythm. [She starts to move her shoulders and dance in her chair. ] And they dance. [ Reynolds makes a sound of agreement. ] Oooh.

Reynolds: And all. It’s so wonderful. All the Coo-ban children, they love to smoke. [ He motions smoking with his hands. Deidre then also motions smoking with her hands and mouth. ]

Deidre: And you know what, they look so cool doing it. You know just leaned up against saturated pastel shops. [ Deidre and Reynolds go back to back and continue to motion smoking with their hands and mouth. ] Smoking.

Man 2: Should we call it a night?

Woman 1: Yeah, yeah. The wait staff is giving us that look of ‘get out of here.’

Reynolds: Awww, but we’re just getting to the best part, baby.

Deidre: Yeah, okay, so. On our last night in Habana.

Reynolds: Ha-vah-nah. That’s in Coo-ba by the way.

Deidre: Yes. So there was this wild Coo-ban man, and he was waving to me [ She motions ‘come here’ with her hand. ] Like this.

Reynolds: Like that.

Deidre: And you know, this [ She continues to motion with her hand. ] means the same thing in Coo-ba as it does here. [ She keeps motioning. ] This.

Man 1: Come here? Yeah, I imagine that’s pretty standard worldwide.

Woman 2: Seriously, we should go. You know the kids they have to wake up early.

Reynolds: Just one sec, because you’re going to want to hear what we did. It was so fiercely Coo-ban.

Deidre: Alright, so it turns out, we went to this authentic Coo-ban rooster competition.

Reynolds: Yeah.

Man 2: A rooster competition?

Waitress: hey guys

Reynolds: Yes, a rooster competition. Like a beauty pageant. All these wild Coo-bans just throwing money [ Reynolds and Deidre begin to motion throwing money with their hands. ] throwing money. Just throwing it, at male chickens.

Deidre: Oh, and they sat us in the front. In front of this little dirt circle pit. Yeah, because I think they thought Reynold was Kiefer Sutherland.

Reynolds: I knew they thought it, but I wasn’t telling them any different because to the best seats for this rooster competition.

Woman 1: Yeah, are you sure you weren’t sitting front row at a cock fight?

Deidre: Umm?

Reynolds: I think we would know if we were a cock fight baby.

Deidre: Yeah, I mean the two roosters were definitely enemies. But, it felt more like a dance. [ She begins to dance with her shoulders again. ] You know, like a real bird Kabuki.

Reynolds: Yeah, I mean feathers were flying and I may be wrong because I have a low IQ. [ Deidre points to Reynolds and nods her head in agreement. ] But it felt very planned.

Man 2: You guys were definitely at a cockfight.

Reynolds: We were not. We were at a Coo-ban rooster review.

Man 1: But was there a dead rooster at the end of it?

Deidre: No.

Reynolds: No.

Deidre: No, I mean, there was one rooster who was obviously like ‘I’m out.’

Reynolds: Yes.

Deidre: He’s done.

Reynolds: I mean if anything it was the end of a very long day for that rooster.

Deidre: You know, cause, it’s hot. Cause it’s Coo-ba.

Reynolds: It’s Coo-ba.

Deidre: And it’s a Coo-ban sun.

Reynolds: Coo-ban sun.

Deidre: And the rooster just laid down and was like, ‘I’m done.’

[ The restaurant manager walks over to the table of couples. ]

Manager: Hey guys. I’m the manager here.

Woman 1: We are leaving.

Manager: Good, cause the kitchen’s closed. So…

Reynolds: How ‘bout the bar?

Manager: I can get you drink, but you do have to promise to stop saying Coo-ba.

Reynolds: Okay fine, baby.

Deidre: I would like a gin on the rocks with one coob.

Reynolds: And I’ll have one coob in a mo-gee-toe.

Deidre: Get out.

Reynolds: Okay.

Manager: Just you two, get out.

Deidre: Alright.