Year: 2019

Can I Play That? | Season 44 Episode 15

Denny Glans… Kenan Thompson

David… Idris Elba

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Lawrence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Can I Play That intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for actors least favorite game—

Audience: Can I Play That?

Narrator: With your host, Denny Glans.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome to Can I Play That. Where I describe a role in an upcoming movie and our contestants, [Cut to the contestants] David, Jackie and Lauren, all working actors will have decide, [Cut to Denny Glans] “Can I play that?” For example, it was just announced that Will Smith will play the father of the William’s sisters. But can he play that? [Cut to Contestants. Lawrence hits the button.]

Lawrence?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Yes, of course, he’ll do a great job. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww! Anybody else.

[Cut to David and Jackie. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: He absolutely cannot. He’s not black enough. [Right answer ring]

David: What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: You are right, Jackie.

[Cut to David and Jackie]

David: Wait, wait, wait. Is this real?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: It sure is because this game is produced by twitter. Twitter, one mistake and we’ll kill you. All right, our first role is blind person, can you play it?

[Cut to Contestants. David hits the button.]

David: Yeah, can I play that. [Wrong answer buzzer] What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow, god took their sight and now you want to take their jobs?

[Cut to David]

David: No, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Isn’t that what acting is all about? You know, becoming somebody you’re not?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Not anymore, no. Now it’s becoming yourself but with a different haircut. Okay, next role, astronauts.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: No, I cannot play that. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, why can’t he play that?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I just sensed it was a trap.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: And it was. The astronaut was secretly Mexican all along.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

David: Secretly?

Denny Glans: That’s right. The astronaut seemed white the whole movie, but in the last scene, when he gets back from Jupiter, he goes ’23 and me’ and discovers he’s 5% Mexican.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Oh man, that would have been no bueno. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Watch it. Okay, now, what about Caitlyn Jenner in the Caitlyn Jenner biopic.

[Cut to David]

David: Okay, I can’t play that.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. Bonus follow up question, who could play Caitlyn Jenner?

[Cut to Contestants. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: No one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. It is an impossible movie to make, I dare someone to try. All right, a character who is half Asian.

[Cut to David]

David: Is the character visibly Asian?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow! Visibly Asian? Let’s take 100 points away from him please. And, bonus question, which actor can play Japanese?

[Cut to Denny Jackie]

Jackie: Anyone who’s Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and maybe Pakistani. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Exactly. Once you’re generally Asian that’s as far as anybody looks into it. And last role, a ghost.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: That depends, who’s the ghost?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Michael Jackson.

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, what movie is this?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans:  The Michael Jackson ghost movie. It’s on lifetime.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I’m going to say no one can play that. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww, close, only one person can play the ghost of Michael Jackson. Can you name that person?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Oh, I know, Rami Malek. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. [Cut to a picture of Rami Malek] Somehow Rami Malek can play anybody. [Cut to Denny Glans] All right, let’s move on to our lightning round. You’ll each have 10 seconds to name as many roles as possible that you can play. David, let’s start with you. 10 seconds on the board. What can you play?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: A white guy. [Right answer ring] A white guy who gains 50 pounds. [Right answer ring] Slave owner. [Right answer ring] And that’s it. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. You named all three roles you can play. All right. Jackie, your turn. What can you play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Mom. [Right answer ring] Horny mom. [Right answer ring] White teacher who helps minorities. [Wrong answer buzzer] A white teacher who learns from minorities. [Right answer ring] And a president of the United States.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In comedy or drama?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Comedy. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In a comedy, we will accept it, yes. Okay, Derek, you’re up.

[Cut to David]

David: Can I pass?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, that depends. You want me to put your face on Michael Jackson ghost poster? Okay, then. 10 seconds on the clock. What can you play, and go?

[Cut to David]

David: Sammy Davis Jr. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: No, he was Jewish.

[Cut to David]

David: Extra in an ADT home commercial. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Nope, those are all white people now.

[Cut to David]

David:  Alien from outer space. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, when the actual aliens arrive, do you really want to be the guy who put on green face?

[Cut to David]

David: Fine, how about a new voice in the new ‘Lion King’.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hmm, which voice?

[Cut to David]

David: It doesn’t matter, all animals are African.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Yeah, but society has decided that the lion voices are black, but meercat is Billy Eichner.

[Cut to David]

David: Then I’ll play damn bird, Zazu. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s John Oliver. I guess he’s a hold over from when it was a British colony. All right, let’s take a quick break. We’ll return with our final round, Can You Play James Bond?

[Cut to David]

David: Hey, I know the answer to that one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Do you, though? We’ll find out after the break on ‘Can I Play That’?

[Ends with outro]

Supportive Friend | Season 44 Episode 15

Allen… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Greg… Idris Elba

Mikey Day

[Starts with four friends sitting in a bar]

Allen: Hey, here’s to another year of following our dreams. I mean, look, guys we’re really doing it, acting in LA.

Cecily Strong: You mean auditioning.

[Everyone laughs]

[Cut to Allen and Aidy]

Allen: Well, you know, I don’t mind auditioning, I see them as little performances. I’m not there to get a part, I’m there to act.

Aidy Bryant: Wow, can I use that?

Allen: Yeah, whatever helps. We’re on this together. [Cut to everybody] Hey, this next round’s on me. I shall return. [Allen leaves to get drinks]

Alex Moffat: Oh hey, look, there’s Greg. Hey Greg.

[Greg walks in the bar and joins]

Greg: Hey guys, man, I got some good news. I’m just going to say it. I booked it. I on the second lead on the new ‘CSI’, ‘CSI: Memphis’.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: No way man! You got the part?

Cecily Strong: Greg, that’s amazing.

[Cut to everyone]

Alex Moffat: You’re perfect for it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, congrats, Greg.

[Allen comes back with drinks]

Allen: Here we go. Greg, what’s up man?

Greg: Really good, man. I was just actually telling the gang that I got the ‘CSI’ gig.

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? Dude. That’s amazing. No way. No. No. Oh. I love that! Yeah. [Cut to Alen] Yeah. Congrats, man. Second lead, right?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Yeah, yeah, the second lead, man.

Allen: Oh! Yes, yes, yes. On second lead on CSI. That’s awesome, man. [Cut to everybody] Look at you, everything’s clicking. You should be happy. I am! What are they paying you? Like $30,000 an episode?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Oh, actually, it’s like $80,000.

[Cut to Allen]

Allen: What the hell is that?  Yes, $80,000 an EP, $80,000 an EP! Such great, dude. You making money, makes me feel happy. [Cut to Allen and Greg] My prayers are answered. I’m loving it.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Allen, are you okay?

Alex Moffat: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking out right now?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? No, I’m good dude. Just pumped for my friend Greg. Excuse! Got to go outside.

[Cut to everybody. Allen leaves the bar.]

Greg: Did I say something wrong, man? I feel like Allen’s upset.

Cecily Strong: No, I think he just can’t handle his excitement.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: No! It should have been me!

Greg: I don’t know, I think he might be a bit jealous.

Cecily Strong: No, Allen’s not like that.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: Somebody love me!

Alex Moffat: Greg, we’re all happy for you, including Allen.

[Allen comes back to the bar]

Allen: Hey, I’m back in the building. What are we talking about? [Cut to Allen and Greg] Still Greg’s thing? That’s awesome.

Greg: Oh, thanks Allen, man. But I know your big break is coming real soon. Man, you got so much to offer, right, especially with Karate thing and everything.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, yeah. Didn’t you come out here to be a Karate actor?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: Yes, I want to be the next Jackie Chan. The Karate forward performer.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: Well, I mean, I’d like to see that.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, me too. [Cut to everybody] Show us some Karate.

Allen: Come on guys, it’s Greg’s big day. I don’t want to steal his thunder.

Greg: Come on Allen, [Cut to Allen and Greg] nothing would make me happier than to see you do some Karate right now.

Cecily Strong: Come on Greg, do it.

[Cut to everybody. Allen starts showing his karate skills. It’s horrible.]

Mikey Day: Guys, check it out. This guy’s doing really cool Karate. [Other people come to watch Allen]

Allen: I don’t know. Something like that.

[Everyone claps]

Idris Elba Monologue | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Idris Elba.

[Cheers and applause]

[Idris Elba walks in the door and to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Idris Elba: Wow! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Listen, I’m Idris Elba. And it is great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. [Cheers and applause]

Before this, the closest thing I did to a comedy was ‘The Wire’. [Laughter] And this is really amazing, I mean, you have no idea how honestly grateful I am to be here tonight. About 20 years ago, I was working down the street from this building on Broadway. Not as an actor, as a doorman. I was the bouncer at Caroline’s comedy club on 49th and Broadway. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Now, that was my night job when I started in this country. This time of year, I would be standing outside freezing my bollocks off. I mean, it was a decent job, though. I made some great contacts. By which I mean, I sold weed. [Laughter] I’m not proud of it, it’s just a fact. I did get some auditions, I’d walk in for a role, say Brooklyn Gangster number one. The casting director would look at me intrigued and I would say my line. [With accent] “Yo, we’re going to run the big apple tonight, mate?” Yeah, I didn’t get the part. My mom would call me from London and say, “Idris, you have to have a backup plan”. I said, “Listen, mom, relax, I have a backup plan, don’t worry. I’m a D.J.” [Laughter] She would cry. After couple of years of that, I thought it was time to pack it in and get a real job, like a full time drug dealer. [Laughter] But, my sister, bless her heart, she had a actual job. She worked at Bad Boy Records. You know, Puffy was my biggest inspiration. Biggie was my favorite rapper. But it was a bad time because Biggie had just died and my sister. My sister took me to this Biggie memorial, and everyone was there. I mean, everyone. It was like being at a wax museum where wax figures were smoking blunts and drinking. It was so surreal. I remember thinking, “If it’s possible for me to be standing in this room right now, then anything is possible.” So, I decided I wouldn’t give up on my dream and that was 22 years ago to this day. [Cheers and applause]

Thank you. A few years after that, I got an audition for a small pilot called ‘The Wire’. And now I’m in the building where Television started, in the city, where hip-hop started. And I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. [Cheers and applause] So we gonna run the big apple tonight mate. We have a great show for you. Khalid is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Cut for Time: New Cast Member | Season 44 Episode 15

Kyle Mooney

Adam Zekeman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Idris Elba

[Starts with video clips of Kyle Mooney walking down the streets]

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve been on SNL for six years now. And it can be such a challenge to find your place on the show. That’s why it’s so amazing when a new cast member gets the chance to shine. [Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera] Unfortunately though, not all first year cast members have easy time with it. It gets kind of where Adam’s at.

[Cut to Dress Rehearsal room]

Kenan Thompson: But what if they don’t?

Kyle Mooney: It was all for nothing.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, exactly. Remember.

Kyle Mooney: All right. Cool. I got that. [Kyle Mooney leaves. Adam Zekeman walks to Kenan Thompson]

Adam Zekeman: So, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: What’s up man?

Adam Zekeman: Hey man, so I’m not in the show again, this week. Just wondering if you got any news for the new guy?

Kenan Thompson: Um, just keep trying. You know? There’s always next week.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, the master speaks wisely. All right brother, love your ass. SNL!

[Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera]

What’s up people, I am Adam Zekeman, one of the new cast members on Saturday Night Live. You might be thinking, “I don’t recognize this guy.” Well, the truth is they haven’t used me too much this year. But it’s still been an amazing journey. From hearing my name in the intro, [Cut to small clip from intro featuring Adam Zekeman] [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera] , to the random awesome sketches they have put me in [Cut to small clip from sketches featuring Adam Zekeman]. And even if you didn’t have a ton of lines last week, there’s still a chance that this week, you’ll write an amazing new character.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman in the hallway. Mikey Day is walking.]

Mikey Day. Mickey! Hey man! Would you want to work on that Stoned Cowboy thing?

Mikey Day: Oh, um, I don’t think I can this week.

Adam Zekeman: No problemo! All right, just text me if things change or whatever.

Mikey Day: Yeap!

Adam Zekeman: Friday night, people get busy. But that’s just for the job. [Cut to Adam walks to Leslie Jone’s office door, knocks and opens the door] Hey Leslie.

Leslie Jones: [Bleep] off, Zekeman.

[Adam Zekeman closes the door]

Adam Zekeman: Love her. Um, probably just going to end up writing on my own tonight. Easier that way.

[Cut to Wardrobe fitting room. Adam Zekeman is wearing waiter costume.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, that cowboy thing was super funny, so it’s not going.

Adam Zekeman: Um, thanks Mooney. At least I get to play this weird waiter.

Kyle Mooney: I think it’s just a regular waiter. See you man.

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

[Mikey Day walks to Adam Zekeman]

Mikey Day: Hey, Adam, we’re going to have to lose you from the restaurant piece.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, okay. Is the sketch too long? Or?

Mikey Day: No. Also, is this your crumpled up drawing of you winning an Emmy award? [Mikey Day hands over a paper with rough drawing] Cleaning crew found it in your garbage can. Yeah, I thought it might be your’s.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, I don’t think so. What the hell.

Mikey Day: All right. [Mikey Day leaves] See you dude.

Adam Zekeman: Thanks man.

[Cut to rehearsal on stage]

Well, I got cut from the sketch. That’s real funny. But that happens for the best. [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to the camera] Well, usually not the best. But the good news is, this week is also the SNL winter carnival [Cut to clips from carnival] where we play carnival games and can potentially win a spot on the show. So, this might be my last chance.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney receiving a cotton candy in the carnival]

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant is playing a game to hit balloon with bullseye needles. Beck Bennett is watching Aidy Bryant]

Beck Bennett: Hah! Maybe try hitting one.

[Aidy Bryant hits Beck Bennett with the bullseye needle. Beck Bennett is hurt.]

Aidy Bryant: Bitch!

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: The winter carnival is always dope. There’s games and cotton candy. And I always get to punch some weird ass juggler.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking in the carnival]

Adam Zekeman: Wow. Those are some of the most colorful balloons I’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Test your strength and maybe you could win a part on the show. [Adam walks to Alex Moffatt to try winning the part] Oh, the Zekeman.

[Everyone is looking at Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: Well. Here goes nothing. [Adam Zekeman wins the game]

Wow!

[Everyone is cheering for Adam Zekeman]

Original Weekend Update character. It’s my time to shine, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Nice work, Zekeman.

[Cut to set of Weekend Update. Adam Zekeman is there as Stoned Cowboy with Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, the Stoned Cowboy. I think you might be a little too stoned.

Adam Zekeman: No way, amigo. [Cut to Adam Zekeman] My eyes are just red from all the, um, trail dust.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking out of the stage door. Everyone is cheering and clapping for Adam Zekeman]

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat walks to Adam Zekeman]

Kyle Mooney: It’s over Adam. I know you switched the malice.

[Idris Elba joins Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat]

Idris Elba: You dirty little rat. You stole my bid.

Adam Zekeman: I can explain.

Idris Elba: You’re going to jail, mate.

[Two policemen walk in and arrest Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: I was just trying to get on the show. Please. I’m sorry.

Kyle Mooney: You lying sack of [Bleep].

[Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera]

So, obviously we had to send Adam to jail and unfortunately he passed away few hours later. But the good news is, we got a new cast member. Ladies and gentleman, meet Coby Murphy.

[Coby Murphy joins]

Coby Murphy: [Coby Murphy acting weird] We think it’s going to be fun rest of the season. I don’t know.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, it’s good.

R. Kelly Interview Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 15

Gayle King… Leslie Jones

R. Kelly… Kenan Thompson

Cameraman… Beck Bennett

Crisis manager… Chris Redd

[Starts with Gayle King in her interview set]

Gayle King: You’re watching a CBS news special. I am your host, Gayle King. And this is part three of my interview with R&B star Robert Kelly. Also known as R. Kelly. Also knows as individual who number one’s. Thank you for being here Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Thank you for having me and please just call me victim.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: I am not going to do that. I guess my first question for you, Robert is, why exactly are you doing this interview?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Because people think I’m some kind of a monster. I’m here to remove all of that. My lawyer was telling me no. But my ego, my ego was telling me yes.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Robert.

R. Kelly: Please call me victim.

Gayle King: No. [Cut to Gayle King] Tell me some of the things that people are saying about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:That I have a harem of young girls and I started a – what’s the word? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: You mean cult?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Right, and why do you think people are saying that about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Probably because it looks like I have a harem of young girls and I started a cult. Look, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Maybe I can’t read or write or math. But I’m still a person. I put on my pants one sleeve at a time just like everybody else.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What about the lifetime docu-series that interviewed numerous women, family members and your former tour manager, [Music starts playing in the backgroung] all saying the same thing.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: [Singing] ♪It’s 10 in the morning. And I’m talking to Oprah’s friend.
♪If I can just get through this, everybody’s gonna love me again.

[Music stops]

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Robert. The docu-series.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Oh, right. These people made a six part documentary about me, six. That’s almost ten. And not one of them said a nice thing about me. They made it seem like I was the devil. I’m not the devil. And even if I was, you can’t think of one nice thing to say about the devil? I can. Nice horns. Gives good advice.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So why do you think people are making these lines up about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:For money, obviously. I’m a very rich man. And people are always trying to take advantage of me.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Well, if you’re so rich, why did it take so long to pay 160,000 you owe back in child support?

[Cut to R. Kelly][Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:[Singing] ♪Damn, that’s a good question, I wasn’t expecting that
♪ Now I got to switch directions and get some sympathy back

Because I’m a very poor man.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: But Robert.

R. Kelly:Victim.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: No. You sold millions of records and made millions of dollars.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:More than millions. Thousands!

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Millions is more than thousands, Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, my bad.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So, what happened to all the money?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:I don’t know. Ask my—who’s the guy you pay to watch all your money? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Your accountant?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:No, my cousin Reggie, that’s it. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly] You know what, this is all great stuff. But maybe we should save some of it for the interview.

Gayle King: What are you talking about? This is the interview.

R. Kelly:For real? Then where are the cameras?

Gayle King: There’s literally one right in front of you.

[Cut to Cameraman behind the camera]

Cameraman: Hey!

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:You all just keep your camera out in the open like that? Y’all some freaks?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Just tell me why all those women would say the same things about you if they weren’t true?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: You can start a rumor about any celebrity just like that. All you got to do is push a button on your phone and say R. Kelly did this to me. And then attach a video of me doing that thing. And people will believe you. It’s scary.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: I really want to laugh right now. But I can’t tell if this interview is a prank on you or a prank on me.

[Cut to R. Kelly] [Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:♪This interview is going great
♪Oprah’s friend thinks I’m innocent.
♪I should be a lawyer
or maybe I should run for president

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Stop singing.

R. Kelly:Oh, you can hear that?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, yes. Now, tell me why were you hanging out at McDonald’s?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, first of all, I did not go to a McDonald’s.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, we saw you at McDonald’s.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, fine, I love McDonald’s. It’s my favorite restaurant in the world. They got that burger that I like, what’s it called? Starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Big Macs?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Look, I’m just going to ask you plainly, have you ever held women against their will?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Why would I do that? That would be stupid. How stupid would it be for me, R. Kelly, with all the crazy legal things I’ve don’t in my past, on tape and gotten away with, Scott Free, to do it again? How stupid do you think I am? Is this a camera? [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly pointing at the plant behind him suspecting there’s a hidden camera.]

Gayle King: No, no. That’s a plant.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, guys, think for a minute. Use your brains. Why would I do these things? [R. Kelly getting emotional, stands from his chair] For 30 years. I gave y’all trapped in the closet. Feeling on your booty. Age ain’t nothing but a number. And so many other clues. And this is how you repay me? I don’t have anybody left in my corner. 30 Years. [Crisis manager walks in to cool R. Kelly down]

Crisis manager: Okay, brother. Chill.

R. Kelly: That’s almost a decade!

Gayle King: Who the hell is this?

R. Kelly: Oh, this is my crisis manager. How am I doing?

Crisis Manager: Oh, you killing it right now Kells. Oh, you looking real good out here.

R. Kelly: Do I look sympathetic?

Crisis Manager: Damn, specially when you’re screaming at that lady, man, real pleasant. Now, we’re coming down the home stretch, all right? Crisis averted.

R. Kelly:Okay, [Cut to R. Kelly] I am ready to start the interview.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: The interview is over. Robert, [Cut to Gayle King] you’ve been combative, defensive and completely unhinged. But somehow you expect us to believe you’re completely innocent.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: That would be ideal, yes. And now, I humbling await your decision, miss Jail King.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What? My name is Gayle King with a G.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you’re not the Jail King? Then what am I doing here?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, you are not right.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you think I made things worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, you definitely made them worse.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Scale of 1 to 10, how much worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: 13.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: So is that highest? Okay, fine. I guess there’s only one thing left to say, Jail King. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly faces the plant where he thinks the hidden camera is] Live from New York—

Gayle King: It’s over fool. Right here. [Gayle King and R. Kelly face the camera]

Gayle King and R. Kelly: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Gold Diggers | Season 44 Episode 15

Donell, Young Buck… Chris Redd

Terry Mack… Idris Elba

Lionel Hodges… Kenan Thompson

Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Jane Sawyer… Cecily Strong

Tamika Williams… Leslie Jones

Trish… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: In 1996, the WNBA was formed, finally giving women’s professional basketball a national stage. With it came the Glitz, the glamor, the parties, and of course, the playaz. Terry Mack, Lionel Hodges and introducing Donnell. A.K.A. Young Buck. They are the gold diggers of the WNBA.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges get inside the party room]

Young Buck: Man, this party is insane.

Terry Mack: Welcome to the big leagues, Young Buck.

Young Buck: What’s this place called again?

Terry Mack: Double Tree Hotel Bar.

Lionel Hodges: Woo! This place is crawling with fine ass WNBA ballers.

Terry Mack: Each one of these women right here sitting on contract worth 60 to 90 G’s a year. Now, if you play your cards right man, some of that cheddar could be in your pocket.

Lionel Hodges: That’s right. Imagine the lifestyle of being a kept man of a WNBA star. Two bedroom condo. Timeshare vacations in Orlando. Shopping sprees at Nordstrom rack.

Terry Mack: You may have drove here in a 2003 Toyota Camry, but you could leave here in the front seat of a 2016 Toyoto Camry.

Young Buck: I like the sound of that.

Lionel Hodges: Well, just listen to us, and you could end up set just like my man Maxwell.

[Cut to Maxwell sitting on a lap of a woman athlete playing Nintendo Switch]

Young Buck: Wait, did she buy him that Nintendo Switch?

Lionel Hodges: Hm-mmm. It was a make-up gift. She must have been cheating.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Yo, this is so awesome. So, how did you all become WNBA gold diggers.

Terry Mack: Gold digger is such an ugly world. I prefer calling slaying your penis for cash.

Lionel Hodges: You see, when the WNBA came around in 1996, it changed the gigolo game forever. It’s a never ending cycle of beautiful athletic middle class women travelling from mid major city to mid major city, looking for good time.

[Music starts playing]

Terry Mack: Oh, that’s my jam. Now, what do you know about this?

Lionel Hodges: Well, you know I know something about this. Come on with it.

[Terry and Lionel start dancing]

[Jane Sawyer tries to join Terry and Lionel]

Jane Sawyer: You mind if I cut in?

Terry Mack: No, not right now, baby girl.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, I’m just trying to dance with my fellas, thank you very much.

Jane Sawyer: All right, you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Damn!

[Jane Sawyer leaves]

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Guys, I think she was into us, man.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, man, [Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges] forget her, man. That’s just Jane Sawyer. Small forward for the mystics.

Terry Mack: She’s a bench warmer. I’m looking for a lady that can almost dunk.

Lionel Hodges: Speaking of which, is that who I think it is?

[Cut to Tamika Williams]

Terry Mack: Yeah, miss Tamika Williams.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Who’s Tamika Williams?

Lionel Hodges: Man, she’s one of the highest paid ballers in the league. Almost 100,000 a year.

Terry Mack: Not to mention the five figure endorsement deal with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. She took me to her place one time. Stainless steel appliances. California King, brother.

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Damn. That’s cray.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Terry Mack: Down pillows, at least six.

Lionel Hodges: What? She got an end unit washer and dryer too?

Terry Mack: No, that was in the building, though.

Lionel Hodges: I’ll take that.

Young Buck: Let’s see if she got some friends.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, yeah. All right.

[Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges walk upto Terry Mack]

Terry Mack: Hey, what up, girl? You can’t say hi no more?

Tamika Williams: Hey, Larry, right?

Terry Mack: Girl, you know my name is Tarry, girl. So, what you doing up in here?

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, where are we going for the after party?

Tamika Williams: We? I don’t have much room in my Camry, so we not going nowhere.

Trish: You ready, baby girl?

Terry Mack: Oh, oh, so you messing with Trish now? You know, she’s just going to use you.

[Cut to Tamika and Trish]

Trish: Who are these fools?

Tamika Williams: Groupies.

[Cut to everybody]

Terry Mack: Groupies. So you’re going to just dog me out like that after the night we spent together? [Cut to Tamika, Terry and Trish] Well, I got news for you, you pregnant and it’s mine.

Tamika Williams: I do not have time for this. Let’s go to Caberries. [Tamika leaves]

Trish: It’s Carrabbas, babe. We’re going to Carrabbas.

[Cut to everybody]

[Tamika and Trish are gone]

Terry Mack: You know, you leaving, nobody wants you anyway.

Young Buck: Damn, man. What are the odds she leaves with like another woman?

Terry Mack: Oh, probably nine out of ten.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, huge chance. Huge chance.

[Ends with outro]

What’s That Name | Season 44 Episode 14

Doug… John Mulaney

Courtney… Cecily Strong

Vince Blight… Bill Hader

Todd… Mikey Day

Todd’s Wife… Heidi Gardner

Jake… Alex Moffat

Jake’s Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Doug and Courtney in the game show]

Narrator: And now it’s time to play what’s that name? And here’s your host, [Cut to Vince Blight] Vince Blight.

Vince Blight: Hello, hello and welcome to What’s That Name. The rules are simple. We show you a person. You tell us their name. Our contestants are Dough and Courtney. [Cut to Doug and Courney] [Cut to Vince Blight] The first question goes to Doug. John Legend is one of pop music’s biggest artists. But his better half as a star in her own right. [cut to picture of John Legend and his wife] Doug, what’s that name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Crissy Teagan. [Ring for the right answer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. $5 for you. Courtney, you’re up next. Although, they recently split, we’ll never forget the whirl wind romance of Noah Cyrus [Cut to picture of Noah Cyrus and her boyfriend] and this American musician. What’s that name?

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Okay, I actually know this. It’s Lil’ Xan. [Ring for the right answer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. Five bucks to you. All right. Doug. This next question is for $250,000. And we’ve got a walk on clue. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Todd: Hey Doug, it’s me. I’m one of your closest friends.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Todd.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: And I have been his girlfriend for four years. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, it’s great to see you.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: It’s great to see you. We’ve gone out to dinner 20 times. We’ve sat next to each other at multiple weddings. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Uh—

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Doesn’t seem like you know her name.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Of course I do. Of course I do. It’s Missy?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Audience: Karen

Doug: Todd, I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Interesting choice to apologize to him. As opposed to her. I guess you just don’t consider her a human being.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What kind of horrible game show is this?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: It’s what’s that name. Courtney. You’re up next. And we’ve got another walk on clue.

[Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Jake: Hey, it’s Jake from your advertising firm in which you are the only female partner.

Jake’s Wife: And I’m his wife. [Cut to Courtney, very disappointed] So, [Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife] we met at the holiday party and when I showed up, you gave me a big hug and said, “Thank god, I’m not the only woman here anymore”. Every time you see me, you say, “Hey, lady” or “Hey, mama”. What’s my name?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Mama?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Oh, not going to cut it, mama. Audience?

[Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife]

Audience: Allison.

Jake’s Wife: But, Lil’ Xan you know.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Doug: See, that’s even worse than me.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: How is that worse? Get all the cameras on him. Finish that thought, [Cut to Doug] Doug. It’s worse because –

Doug: Well, she’s a woman. So at a party, you think she would want to talk to the other wives.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Other wives?

Vince Blight: She’s a god damn [Cut to Vince Blight] partner at the firm, buddy. Unreal. Round two.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I want to say something. I think you’re kind of a jerk.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I think you’re a jerk.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Why don’t you name all your friend’s wives?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Those guys? They don’t have wives. I roll with a crew of problematic bachelors and we call ourselves the squad. Let’s learn a little bit about our contestants. Shall we? Courtney, it says here that you’re a woman who doesn’t support other woman.

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: That’s right.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Is there anything you would like to say to all the girls watching at home?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Nope.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Gotcha. Doug, what would you say to all the young girls watching?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I don’t know. You are as good as any man. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Terrible.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What would you say?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I wouldn’t say anything. Camera three, push it on me. I would listen. [Cut to Doug] [Cut to Vince Blight] It’s time for the final clue and this one is dealer’s choice. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and three women come to the stage.] No, you’re not seeing double. There’s three women there. Doug, these are three of your wife’s bridesmaids. [Cut to Vince Blight] And we know, you don’t know any of their names.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: That’s correct.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Okay. So here’s the deal. You pick the one you think you have got the best shot at.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Um, middle one.

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Woman in the middle: Awe, thanks.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: And because you are such a dumb donkey, we’re going to give you almost all the letters.

[Cut to three bridesmaids. The hint has first letter blank space and rest three letters are ‘ARA’.”

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Can I have the first letter?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: No. That would be all of them.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Do I have to look at her while I guess?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Right in the eye. For $10 million. What’s that name?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Doug: I am so sorry. Lara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Jara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: You think her name is Jara? [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Tara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Mara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Audience: Mara.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I said Mara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Yeah, but you didn’t know it.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Vince Blake, why do you do this game? What’s it all for? What do you want?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: In a word, chaos. [Cut to the stage] And that’s the game. No winner, I guess. But stick around because Doug’s our guest on another game show, “Does the Housekeeper Have a Son?”

Doug: No she doesn’t.

Vince Blight: He’s 16 years old. Good night.

John Mulaney’s SNL Monologue Will Change Everything | Season 44 Episode 14

John Mulaney

Kate McKinnon

Thomas Rhett

[Starts with John, Kate and Thomas on SNL stage]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: Hey John, when you were a writer here, were there any promos that you wrote that didn’t get picked that you want to try now?

John Mulaney: There was one I kind of liked. Hi, I’m Labron James and I’m big and strong.

[Retake]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Tune in to watch these two gorgeous nephews make their aunts and uncles proud.

John Mulaney: Oh, thanks Kate.

[Retake]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: My god, John, here. He’s going to lay it down so hard for you in his monologue. You’re literally going to stand up and applaud in your living.

John Mulaney: Well, I don’t know.

Kate McKinnon: He’s going to be up there with The Beatles in terms of like, singular cultural event. Nothing’s going to be the same ever again.

John Mulaney: We’re still kind of working it out.

Thomas Rhett: Oh, I can’t wait to hear it.

John Mulaney: All right.

Kate McKinnon: Killing it.

John Mulaney: Expectations!

Behind the Sketch: Diner Lobster with John Mulaney and Colin Jost | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Waiter… John Mulaney

Pete Davidson and Chris Redd

Kloset… Kate McKinnon

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hi, I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and John Mulaney] I’m here with John Mulaney.

John Mulaney: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: And we’re here to talk to you guys about Diner Lobster, a sketch that we originally wrote in 2010, but then did not see the light of day until John hosted last year and resurrected it.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete and Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

John Mulaney: It’s ‘Who Am I’ from Les Mis, and we just said the titles of them. [Cut to John and Colin] And no one knew and then we didn’t prep them well and it was a singing lobster at the table. It didn’t do well. And it wasn’t one of those things that didn’t do well and later, people are like, “I like that.”

Colin Jost: No. No one came up to those after.

John Mulaney: It was long too. The writing night was really fun because we sat in your office that you shared with Kenan.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yes, I think we both consider the London [Cut to Colin and John] live recording. It was like the 10th or 15th anniversary recording. Was for both of us, the defining signature edition of Les Mis.

John Mulaney: I remember listening to song after song. It was really fun.

Colin Jost: And they were all–

John Mulaney: They were all great. [Cut to John Mulaney] And I think Forte came in and you had an appointment to write with them. [Cut to Colin and John] And he said, “Are you writing Alen?” And you said, “I’m going to need another couple of hours.” And he went, “Oh, okay.” You know the biggest thing in it was that Kenan’s lobster daughter played by Kate McKinnon was named Klaset. Had it named Klaws in the musical and —

Colin Jost: It suddenly changed.

John Mulaney: And that was your joke. You typed it and then you looked over me, and I was like, “Absolutely”.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But then when you came back to host, we talked about it. We were like, “What’s a big number for a table read?” You kind of want to end the table read on a big musical bang or a loud thing.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim, choose from all to order him, who is this guy..

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Then it actually worked at the table and I think we were like, “Wow, is this real?” Kenan being the lobster, Kenan is the one who says Kloset. He knows to say it very clearly and wait for five seconds for the audience to understand what hell he is talking about.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Kloset: Papa.

Lobster: Kloset. Oh, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Just the first note where you start hearing [Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster] ‘Who am I?” coming, and you saw Kenan like posing so proudly as a lobster.

Lobster: Who am I? And why am I condemned to boil alive.

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Every department–

John Mulaney: Did an exceptional job.

Colin Jost: Oh, totally. Yeah.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

John Mulaney: You have a wall open. A tank of water, that is not actually filled with water. And then they have the barricade slide in.

Waiter: From the barricade.

Chris Redd: Wait, there’s a barricade?

Pete Davidson: Oh, this diner has an incredible set design.

[Cut to Colin and John]

John Mulaney: All time right. I once couldn’t get to go across.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

When the churning in your bowls

matches the burning of his shell

You’ll know why lobsters in a diner never sell

[Cut to Colin and John]

John Mulaney: Lobster diner had the biggest applause I ever experienced in the studio.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Lobsters.

You don’t order them!

In diners!

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: That was great. And that was like, “This place is going to feel like a wonderful TV studio, it felt like both the TV studio and like a concert hall”. [Cut to Colin and John] And we won an Ally award from —

Colin Jost: From PETA.

John Mulaney: From PETA. People from the Ethical Treatment of the Animals for promotion of animal welfare in sketch-com. Because we saved the lobsters. [Cut to John Mulaney] Thank you for watching this discussion of the history of Diner Lobster. I’m hosting Saturday Night Live this Saturday, March 2nd. And if this video was not 17 minutes, then they may cut!

Toilet Death Ejector | Season 44 Episode 14

Narrator… John Mulaney

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two elderly couple talking]

Grandpa: Hal, [Cut to Grandpa] he passed away.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, no. That’s awful!

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’ll say. They found him on the toilet.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: That’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: Dying on the toilet. It’s every senior’s worst nightmare. You live a life of grace and honor only to pass in the most humiliating way imaginable, ass up on a bathroom floor, and loaded toilet rotting behind you. Thankfully there’s a solution that’s both elegant and dignified. [Cut to a toilet commode] The Toilet Death Ejector. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] When you are on the toilet and you feel yourself dying, simply press the red button. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed] Hydraulics beneath your seat will propel your dead body forward, hurl you gently through the air and deposit you neatly on your bed. The toilet will then automatically flush and release a puff of lavender scent. Finally, a smart book will fall from the ceiling onto your chest to imply wisdom. Choose from impressive title like the Bible, Henry David Thoreau’s ‘Walden’ or ‘Latest Gladwell.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: I don’t know. That sure seems awfully complicated.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: I’ll tell you what complicated. Explaining to the grandkids that nana died while taking a giant dumb. No matter what the cause of death is, they’re going to assume it was the size of the dump that killed her. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] So reclaim your dignity. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, mom, I– Oh, no. [Kyle looks at the book on her] She was so wise.

[Cut to an engineer fitting the Toilet Death Ejector]

Narrator: Our team of engineers guarantees that toilet death ejector is mostly accurate.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Oh, no! That’s a shame. At least he died peacefully in bed reading scripture.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, that’s nice.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Only thing was his pants were around his ankles. And there was [Bleep] everywhere.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: The toilet death ejector. Every time you hear that sound, [ejecting sound] an angel gets its wings.