Year: 2019

Network Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

Lee Daniels… Kenan McKinnon

Manager… Sandra Oh

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with meeting hall of Empire Fox]

Kate McKinnon: Look, the bottom line is, we don’t want to work with your client anymore.

Manager: Just give Jussie another chance.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: Why? He doesn’t care about this job anymore.

Kate McKinnon: He’s two hours late for this meeting.

Mikey Day: I mean, not to mention, what he’s already put us through.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: Jussie Smollett was a victim.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, please!

[Cut to manager and Lee]

Manager: Mr. Daniels. I have represented Jussie his entire career. I am sure there is a very reasonable explanation for he is so late right now.

Lee Daniels: Well I just hope it’s not some crazy excuse.

[Cut to Jussie enters the room]

Jussie Smollett: I’m so sorry I’m late.

Manager: Oh my god. Are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me.

Ego Nwodim: Not again!

Kate McKinnon: Really?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I know what you’re thinking but it’s not that.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Okay, so what is it?

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: I got attacked again.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Kate McKinnon: That’s exactly what we were thinking, Jussie.

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: Oh, okay good, so you believe me.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: No!

Mikey Day: What is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I just told you I was attacked.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: He meant mentally, Jussie.

Manager: Mr. Daniels, [Cut to Lee, Jussie and his manager] can I have a word with my Client for a second.

Lee Daniels: Yeah, I think you should.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Manager: Jussie–

Jussie Smollett: Don’t worry. I got some hits in too, I’m still the gay Tupac.

Manager: Nobody knows what that means. You can see why this story is hard to believe, right?

Jussie Smollett: Great, my old man doesn’t believe me. [Jussie looks at the bag in his hand] Wait, what the –

Manager: Jussie, what is that?

Jussie Smollett: I think it’s a bag of clues?

Manager: No, Jussie, don’t.

Jussie Smollett: Hang on. Look guys, the killer left me a bunch of clues.

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What killer?

Mikey Day: You’re still alive, Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: It’s only because I fought back because I’m the gay Mike Tyson.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: You see what I mean, we can’t keep this guy around.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Wait, let’s just see what’s in here first. Crest white strips. Wow, what do you think that means?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re black.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Yo, you think it’s racial? Damn!

Manager: Jussie, please, stop.

Jussie Smollett: Shh, there’s more. [Taking letters ‘K’ out from the bag] A ‘K’. Another ‘K’. Three ‘K’s. Like what do you think that means?

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Mikey Day: It’s probably the Ku Klux Klan. Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Really? I thought that was a myth.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie!

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Hang on, there’s more stuff. Oh, a receipt, I need that. Car keys, definitely need those. Oh, a teletubby. And it’s the gay one!

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, this is absolutely ridiculous.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: But, I’m telling the truth, I was attacked.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay, I guess we should just call the police then.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: No, no, no, no, they said I can never call again. That’s part of the deal.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, you know we’ve got to fire you, right?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: What? You can’t fire me. I made this show, man! I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Right, I guess it’s just [Cut to manager and Jussie] you and me then.

Manager: No, I’m firing you.

Jussie Smollett: Okay, fine. I guess I will just be on my way then. [Jussie Smollett leaves the room]

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, that was pretty rough.

Kate McKinnon: Yikes. [Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego] Well, you did the right thing, Lee.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. You definitely did.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: No, I just hope he gets the help he needs.

[Jussie Smollet enters the room again with a neck bandage on]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, come on man!

Jussie Smollett: You’re not going to believe what happened to me this time!

Lee Daniels: Jussie, go home! Just go home!

Bok Bok | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with a man walking to a Bok Bok fast food, a Bok Bok commercial]

Narrator: If you’re hungry for chicken, there’s never been a better time to come to Bok-Bok. Get your choice of a six-piece chicken supreme snack. Or a two-piece chicken dinner for $8.99 each. All served with a fresh biscuit and a flavorful fixen. Also, we’d like to take a second to clear up a few things you may have heard about our mascot, Bok-Bok. [Bok Bok looks scary and looks a lot like Momo of Momo hoax] Who does bear a slight resemblance to the internet urban legend and momo. But we promise Bok-Bok is not momo in a chicken suit. And she’s definitely not tempting kids with chicken so she can steal their souls. Bok-Bok is all about bringing you juicy chicken served hot. And sure, like momo, Bok-Bok is a human-bird hybrid who loves the company of children. But who cares when the food is this good. Please stop feeding my son. So stop being paranoid and bring the whole family down.

[Cut to drive-through]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, what can I get you today?

Heidi Gardner: [Talking to kids at the backseat] What do you guys want?

[Heidi adjusts her mirror to look at her kids. She sees Bok Bok.]

Bok Bok: Chicken.

[Everyone is scared and runs away]

Narrator: Yeah, that’s probably momo.

Video Bumper: Take your children to Bok-Boks.

Bok Bok: See you soon.

The Impossible Hulk | Season 44 Episode 15

Dr. Bruce Banner… Idris Elba

Melissa Villaseñor

Security… Kenan Thompson

Impossible Hulk… Cecily Strong

Policeman… Mikey Day

[Starts with Dr. Bruce Banner in a shop. He finds a shirt at 50% off.]

Melissa Villaseñor: And your total was $208.45.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Sorry, did you say 208?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: And 45 cents, yes.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: The sign said it was half off.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Not this shirt. Just the stuff in that section.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, it was in that section.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, then that was a mistake. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Somebody must have moved it.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Well, [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I guess I’ll just get my money back.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m sorry sir, we only offer [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] store credit. It’s store policy.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, come on. That’s [Bleep].

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and lower your voice.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Lower my voice. You’re trying to rip me off and I’m getting upset.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay, security.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: And you won’t like me when I’m upset.

[Cut to Security walks in]

Security: What’s the problem here? [Dr. Bruce Banner starts shivering] What the hell?

Impossible Hulk: Let go of me.

Security: Ain’t nobody even toughing you.

Impossible Hulk: I want my money back right now.

Narrator: While working at his lab located above a Torrey Birch, Dr. Bruce Banner was hit with gamma radiation in a failed experiment causing him to transform into an embolded white lady whenever he is provoked. He is the Impossible Hulk.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: I told you sir, the store policy is–

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, you’re being aggressive. I’m calling the police.

[Cut to Security]

Security: For what?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

911: 911, what’s your emergency.

Impossible Hulk: Yes, hello, yes. I’d like to report an active aggression.

[Cut to Security and Impossible Hulk]

Security: We are literally just standing here.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Now they are crowding me, I can’t breathe.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, just take your money back. It’s fine.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, do not rest me; do not try to silence me.

[Cut to Security]

Security: Oh, man. This dude is impossible.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk, she struggles and turns back to Dr. Bruce Banner.]

Dr. Bruce Banner: What just happened?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner walking in a hallway and then knocks on a door]

Ego Nwodim: What?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Can you please turn the music down? I’m trying to sleep.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: You are forever complaining. Why don’t you just move?

Dr. Bruce Banner: Look, I don’t want to argue. [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I’m asking you to turn the music down or else.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim. Chris Redd joins Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Or else what couz?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Or else I’m going to get upset.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Get upset then. What’s up?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner shivering. He turns into the Impossible Hulk.]

Impossible Hulk: Let go of my arm.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Ain’t nobody touching your arm.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: What’s your name? And everybody’s name in there.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, dude. Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I need your manager now.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: This is an apartment.

Ego Nwodim: Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: You will not get away with this.

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

Impossible Hulk: Yes, I’m being aggressed right now.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim]

Chris Redd: Aggressed? What is that?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I’m shaking and I’m in a lot of fear.

Ego Nwodim: Mr. Banner, [Cut to Ego Nwodim] we’ll turn the music down for real. It’s not a problem.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Keep laughing. Keep laughing. You’re going to be in a lot—[She struggles and then turns back into Dr. Bruce Banner]

Chris Redd: Hey, you okay, bro?

Dr. Bruce Banner: I’m fine, I think I need a froyo.

Chris Redd: A froyo?

Narrator: Next time on the Impossible Hulk—

[Dr. Bruce Banner gets pulled over by a police]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Damn it!

Policeman: Yo, yo, yo, my man. Do you know why I’m stopping you?

Impossible Hulk: Because you’re an aggressive [Bleep] I’m filming you.

Policeman: FP drive safe.

PowerPoint | Season 44 Episode 15

Beck Bennett

Idris Elba

Bryan… Alex Moffat

Diane… Leslie Jones

Kevin… Chris Redd

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a presentation between staff members]

Beck Bennett: Okay, team, sales core industries.

Idris Elba: And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help your brush up on your Powerpoint skills.

Beck Bennett: Yes, we asked you to pair up and create a mock Powerpoint presentation. We have [Cut to Bryan and Diane] Bryan and Diane from sales. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal] Kevin and Crystal from market research. And, of course, [Cut to Henriette and Nan] Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionist.

Henriette: We don’t even use computers, just use the phone. So, we’ll see.

Nan: Hopefully our natural charm carried us through.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: I’m sure you did great. Let’s see everyone’s first slide. [Cut to Bryan and Diane’s presentation] Oh, wow! Great use of bullet points.

[Cut to Bryan and Diane]

Bryan: Well, what can I say, we make a great team.

Diane: Did we tell you we’re dating?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: A couple of times. Yes. How about you two. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal’s presentation] Okay, a nice border here.

[Cut to Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: Market research bringing our A-game.

Crystal: Whoop-whoop.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Whoop-whoop, it’s right. And, Henrietta and Nan.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan’s presentation. There’s nothing but random boxes.]

Beck Bennett: Okay. You know what, little trouble there. No worries.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan crying]

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Hey, ladies, don’t cry. You did a great job. You’re definitely communicating something.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We’re so sorry.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: What do you think happened?

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: I didn’t even know where to start.

Henriette: This is not my world.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay, ladies, it’s just a practice.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We just kept clicking on what I believe are called Digifiles. And strange things started happening.

Nan: We made trash sir.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just focus on your presentation and see where we can help.

Idris Elba: Is that okay with everybody else?

[Cut to everyone agreeing]

Bryan: Absolutely. Sure.

Diane: Yeah, I got to see this.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Awesome. Well, we asked you to make some slides about things you’re passionate about. So, Henreitta and Nan, let’s check these out. [Cut to slide that says ‘Corn bread’] Corn bread. All right. And you crossed it out.

[Cut to slide that says king a lot of times, carole and there’s a picture of Wayne Brady]

Idris Elba: Okay, it looks like Carole King and I see a small Wayne Brady in the corner.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: But that was already there.

Henriette: Yeah, we actually tried to get rid of him.

Nan: I’m frustrated.

Henriette: Yeah, and now honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I can’t learn.

Nan: We’re going to be fired and slapped.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Okay. That is not going to happen. This is an optional workshop. Next, we asked you to try using a graph of your choice. [Cut to slide that has a picture of a clock] And it looks like you put a clock on a shelf.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: Oh, we fixed it in the next one.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Oh, yes. [The next slide has two clocks] Now there’s two clocks.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Yes, that’s right. There’s one for each of us.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, moving on. A boy with a speaker in his eye.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We thought we could make a music video. We were so arrogant.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay. You aimed high, let’s see where you landed. The word undo and a picture of knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We were trying to undo.

Nan: We kept hitting undo.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: And you added more knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: I’m a total simple turd.

Nan: I’m an idiot bitch.

Henriette: My husband has to tie my shoes in the morning.

Nan: I only went to preschool.

Henriette: I tripped in church and I showed my ass.

Nan: Once I couldn’t figure out how to turn off my radio, so I poured water on it, and I blew up my house.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Ladies you don’t need to do this.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: No, I’m not done. I am not diligent about brushing my teeth. I don’t do it every day or whatever.

Nan: And I wipe as best I can, but there’s always more.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Oh, my god. Stop. Just stop.

Idris Elba: That is enough.

[Cut to Bryan, Diane, Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: I mean we can’t unhear that.

Diane: Whatever? There’s always more?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re done.

Idris Elba: Yeah, yeah. On behalf of Microsoft, we can say that you could stay on the phones and so you never have to use Powerpoint again.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Oh, thank god.

Nan: Not in a million years.

[Cut to everybody]

Diane: And bitch, brush your teeth.

Weekend Update: Baskin Johns Shares More Goop Products | Season 44 Episode 15

Baskin Johns… Heidi Gardner

Fifer James… Gwyneth Kate Paltrow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che at his set]

Michael Che: The health and lifestyle brand Goop hosted a wellness summit in New York this weekend. Here to talk about it is Goop representative Baskin Johns. Hey, welcome back Baskin.

[Baskin Johns joins Michael Che]

Baskin Johns: I’m blessed to be back, Michael.

Michael Che: Well, last time you were here, you had a little trouble.

Baskin Johns: Yes, [Cut to Baskin Johns] I forgot a lot of what the stuff we sell is and does. But this time I’ve done my homework.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Great, and I’m sure Gwyneth is watching as well.

Baskin Johns: Cool. So, [Cut to Baskin Johns] first up, is our Goop body wash, infused with ginger and – Oshawaganda.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Right, and for our viewers who don’t know what Oshawaganda is?

Baskin Johns: Thank you for you curiosity, Michael. [Cut to Baskin Johns] Oshawaganda is the number one thing rated number one. You know what, I would love to tell you what ginger is instead.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: No, just tell us about Oshawaganda.

Baskin Johns: Fine, Oshawaganda comes from Wakanda.

Michael Che: It comes from Wakanda like the made up country in ‘Black Panther’?

Baskin Johns: Yeah. Actually, [Cut to Baskin Johns] Gwyneth visited Wakanda and found lots of Oshawaganda growing on the set. And actually, I would love to tell you what ‘Black Panther’ is instead.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Are you having trouble against Baskin?

Baskin Johns: I already got one probation and I can’t get a another because second strike is Missouri.

Michael Che: Missouri?

Baskin Johns: Yes. [Cut to Baskin Johns] I have to go live in Missouri for a year, work at bath and body works and let my roots grow out. I can’t do it. Listen, my supervisor is here. Can I bring her out?

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Sure.

Baskin Johns: Okay, Fifer. Fifer, can you come help me? [Fifer James joins] Fifer, I need your help because I’m really afraid that Gwyneth is going to fire me.

Fifer James: She doesn’t believe in firing, remember, it’s called conscious unemploying.

Baskin Johns: Right. Yes, that is what Queen Gwe says.

Fifer James: So, I’m just going to take it from here, Baskin. [Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James]

Okay, [Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James] we have a new Himalayan Salt scrub. It is the number one salt scrub. Rated number one in all over salt. I mean, actually, I’d like to tell what you salt is instead.

[Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James]

Michael Che: I know what salt is.

Fifer James: Just so you know, it’s angry sugar.

Baskin Johns: You know what? [Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James] Fifer, we can get through this together. The Himalayan salt scrub  is— What is it?

Fifer James: Well, it’s number one.

Baskin Johns: Number one.

Fifer James: Yeah, the number one.

Baskin Johns: Number one GOOP.

Fifer James: Yeah, as well as musical guest GOOP.

Baskin Johns: Yeah, [Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James] featuring Goop.

Michael Che: So, what does GOOP stand for?

[Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James]

Baskin Johns and Fifer James: Gwyneth Opens Our Paychecks.

[Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James] Michael Che: Baskin Johns and Fifer James.

Baskin Johns and Fifer James: Oshwakanda forever

Weekend Update: Paul Manafort Sentenced to Prison | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort and Donald Trump at left top corner of the screen.] Well, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager was just sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to 24 years in prison but only got four years, probably in minimum security white collar prison with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million. And he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort had lived “An otherwise blameless life” which is also the name of my favorite third eye blind album. Also, how can you possibly claim Manafort lived a blameless life. He’s being sentenced for another crime next week. And it’s a crime he committed while on house arrest for a third crime.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud which as black guy feels very unfair. But for a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. I mean if I could steal millions of dollars in the United States Presidency in exchange for three years of my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are, I’m going to end up in jail in my 70s anyway by saying something that’s fine now but is punishable by death in 40 years. Like, calling my kids the N word. Or, calling my wife the N word. Or, calling some white lady the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Li Yang at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Your kids? It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spa where patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh? Second, you know that Trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump signing Bibles at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. Now, I don’t know man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Hillary Clinton at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And Hillary Clinton announced this week that she is officially not running for president. Am I the only one who’s a little disappointed? First of all, I think she would be a great president. Second of all, I want to see a rematch. Come on, Hillary is like Rocky in ‘Rocky IV’. No one thinks she can come out of retirement to beat this Russian hero [Picture changes to a boxer with Donald Trump’s face] who barely speaks English. I mean, Hillary [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in jungle] literally went into the woods to do her training montage. She is ready to win this thing for America, because now she’s got nothing to lose, except the presidency for a third time.

Weekend Update: Ash Wednesday | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost at his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 6th of March at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the day where white people show their support for [The picture changes to 21 Savage and a white person with similar tattoo imitation on his forehead] 21 Savage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Leaving Neverland’ at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: That’s a good joke. Last week—Last week HBO aired ‘Leaving Neverland’, a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray. Okay, but whose side do you take? [Picture changes to flight attendants] Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear make-up and skirts just as long as their husbands sign the consent form. I’ll stand by it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth and Instagram logo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Queen Elizabeth II has posted her first ever picture on Instagram. Finally a chance for commoners to directly tell the queen, ‘Show Feet’. A new survey lists the best city to live in the country as Boise Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pills at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two men in New Jersey were arrested with $150 million worth of opioids. For reference, here’s what $150 million worth of opioids looks like. [Picture changes to Lil’ Pump] [Picture changes to a roller coaster] A British group set a new world record when more than 200 people rode a roller coaster naked. Breaking the previous record of one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman Comic at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Batman turns 80 years old this month which explains his new arch nemesis Jamaican Nurse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of clouds at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: That’s a good one. A man in Italy captured a picture that he says looks like Jesus shining through the clouds. Or hear me out, it was just the sun.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewage at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Sanitation officials cleaning out sewage lines are reporting finding swamp monsters which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes, underwater, fingers and false teeth which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani]  Rudy Guiliani.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on R. Kelly and Michael Jackson | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin jost

Pete Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of controversy surrounding recent documentaries about R. Kelly and Michael Jackson. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: How are you doing man? Hey, Colin. So have you guys seen the R. Kelly documentary?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Pete, I did.

Pete Davidson: Okay now, before I continue, this guy is a monster. And he should go to jail forever. But if you support the Catholic church, isn’t that like the same thing as being an R. Kelly fan? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t really see the difference, only one’s music is significantly better. No, because the other day my mom was like, “I’m going to mass”. And I was like, “Okay, I’m going to go listen to the ‘Ignition’ remix”. Look, I’m not saying it’s an easy decision. I’m just saying you don’t know how good someone’s music really is until you find out they’re a pedophile. And the reason everybody is so upset is because R. Kelly and Michael Jackson made great music, you know. if I found out McLemore did some weird stuff, I’d be happy to free up some space on my iPhone. It just depends on who did it, you know. I understand people  who say, “How can you listen to that music after what he did”. Headphones? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Believe me, look, once we start doing our research, [Cut to Pete Davidson] we’re going to have much left, because it seems like all really talented people are sick. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Don’t’ worry Colin me and you are good.

Colin Jost: Okay, good.

Pete Davidson: Not Che though. Che’s a genius.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, what?

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Look, I don’t know what it is with talented people. You know, Charlie Chaplin was the first movie star ever, and he married a 15 year old. And he couldn’t even talk.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He could talk in real life.

Pete Davidson: No, he couldn’t. I saw all the footage. He didn’t talk once. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  That’s why he’s a silent film star. So with guys like R. Kelly, the rule should be, if you warrant to listen to their music, you just have to admit that they’re bad people.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it that hard to just stop listening to them all entirely?

Pete Davidson: Well, you don’t listen to R. Kelly. But, what if you found out the inventor of hair gel got caught jerking it on a train. You can’ use hair gel any more?

Colin Jost: That’s a good point, actually.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. All I’m saying is like, pretending these people never existed is maybe not the solution. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  The rules should be that you can appreciate their work but only if you admit what they did, you know. You can buy a Mustang but only if you say “Henry Ford hated the Jews” as you buckle in. The first sentence should be, “Mark Wahlberg beat up an old Asian dude” and I would like one ticket to Daddy’s Home 3 please.” Because if it’s that important to you, at least own it. I don’t even need to see a Kevin Spacey movie again. But if CEO of Swisher Sweets turns out to be a cannibal, I can’t just change my whole life. So here’s my plan and hopefully you guys like it. Every time any of us listen to a song or watch a movie made by an accused serial predator, you have to give a dollar to charity that helps sexual assault survivors. I’ve already donated $142. That’s just from the ‘Ignition’ remix alone..

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really nice, Pete. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Anything else going on?

Pete Davidson: No, I don’t think so.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh, not like a new girlfriend situation or anything?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  So apparently people have a crazy fascination with our age difference. But it doesn’t really bother us. But then again, I’m new to this. So if you have questions about a relationship with a big age difference just ask Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Statham, Michael Douglas, Richard Gere, Jeff Goldblum, Scott Disick, George Clooney, Dane Cook, Derek Jeter, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee, Sean Penn, whoever the president of France is, Mel Gibson, Billy Joel, Ben Kingsley, Mick Jagger, Live Schreiber, Sylvester Stallone, Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, Larry King, Rod Steward and Donald Trump.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: You’re going down, Che. You’re going down.

Michael Che: I don’t even know what I did.

Weekend Update: Leslie Jones’ Funeral Plans | Season 44 Episode 15

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che at his news set]

Michael Che: Spring is around the corner which means lots of brides have been planning their weddings. Here to talk about what she’s here to talk about what she’s been planning in our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones joins Michael Che]

Leslie Jones: Woo! How you doing Mr. Che.

Michael Che: You can just call me Michael.

Leslie Jones: Yeah, I don’t really know you like that. I ain’t never been on this side of the desk. So it’s Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay. So you’re planning a wedding?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. I’m never getting married. But I am planning the big show, my funeral. Ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you dying?

Leslie Jones: No, Mr. Che, don’t worry. I just want to make sure [Cut to Leslie Jones] my funeral is planned the way I want it. First off, it’s going to be an open casket. Because I’m going to be naked.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: What?

Leslie Jones: Yeah, it’s the last time everybody’s going to get to see me. So I want them to see it all. I got nothing to hide. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’ve been trying to get you all to see me naked for a while now. Also, my funeral is a 90 minutes service. Okay, ain’t going to be six hour Aretha franklin shenanigans. Everybody don’t need to speak. For real, my casket is set to blow up if the funeral goes longer than 90 minutes.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Who do you want to speak at your funeral?

Leslie Jones: Stifler. Stifler is going to speak.

Michael Che: Stifler from ‘American Pie’?

Leslie Jones: I love him. Let’s see, who else is on the guest list?

Michael Che: You got a guest list for you funeral?

Leslie Jones: And a seating chart. I told you Mr. Che, this is the big show.

Michael Che: It’s just Michael.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones:  So J. Lo and A. Rod, congrats. You’re going to be sitting court-side, but I need to make something very clear, J. Lo, you ain’t going to be singing bitch. I love you, boo, but no. Okay, I want Fantasia Barrino to sing. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: From ‘American Idol’?

Leslie Jones: No, not the Fantasia white people know. I want the Fantasia black people know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want the back of the church eating a fish sandwich Fantasia. I want the sweaty face kicking her shoes off before she goes  [making weird noise]–  That’s Fantasia Barrino I want. And I want everything at my funeral. I want run from Run-DMC. To be the preacher. I want the little girl from the Sia videos to come out and do an interpretive dance of my life. There’s going to be a cash bar. Because my cousin Tamina is bartending and she needs that money.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: And then you’re going to be buried?

Leslie Jones: No, I don’t want a burial. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want my naked body to be put on a float and floated out to sea. And have Aquaman dressed upa as Khal Drogo.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Jason Momoa?

Leslie Jones: Ain’t no man with the look like that should be going by the name Jason. [Cut to Leslie Jones] His name is Aquaman. So I want Aquaman dressed as Khal Drogo to shoot an arrow of fire at my body and burn me like the warrior princess I am. And then turn my ashes into weed.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Leslie Jones, everybody. For weekend update.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Magic Show | Season 44 Episode 15

Rudulfo… Idris Elba

Sheila… Leslie Jones

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Rudulfo on the stage]

Rudulfo: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I am great Rudulfo. Welcome to a world where impossible is quite possible. My usual assistant won’t be joining us tonight. She called in pregnant. She told me she wasn’t even dating, so how did that happen? Magic. Okay, luckily the manager of the casino said his wife would be willing [Cut to the Clarence nodding his head] to fill as she was pretty much the same size. [Cut to Rudulfo] Let’s all meet her. Please welcome, Sheila.

[Sheila walks in]

Rudulfo: What the–? [Shocked looking at her size. She is too big.]

Sheila: I’m here, master.

Rudulfo: Oh, no, you don’t have to call me master. Wow, you look lovely.

Sheila: Thank you, [Cut to Sheila] I put on your assistant’s costume. I guess we’re both size two. I was destined to be your assistant.

[Cut to Clarence clapping]

Clarence: That’s right, baby. You can do anything, go ahead, baby.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you Clarence. That’s my husband. He’s old, but he knows how to handle a real woman.

[Cut to Clarence clapping]

Clarence: That’s right, baby, you going to be great, baby.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: No doubt. But a lot of my illusions have been custom made for my previous assistance.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila: I ain’t worried about that, let’s do some magic.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Okay, let’s get started with the first trick. Behold, a box from ancient Egypt. My lovely assistant would step inside.

[Rudulfo opens the box and Sheila tries to get inside]

Sheila: Yes, master.

[Sheila is struggling to enter because she is too big]

Rudulfo: Okay, get your head in there.

Sheila: Hold on a second.

Rudulfo: Okay? Okay, breathe in a little.

[Rudulfo closes the door]

Sheila: Okay. I got it.

Clarence: You got this, baby?

[Rudulfo brings a sword]

Rudulfo: Ancient law has it that no blade shall touch the pure of heart. Sheila, are you ready?

Sheila: Yes, I am, master.

Rudulfo: Is your back arched like a graceful swan.

Sheila: No, it is not. But let’s do this.

Rudulfo: Okay. [Piercing the box with the sword] Shaka-laka–

Sheila: Ouch!

Rudulfo: Okay, that’s enough of that.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: No, no, no, she can handle it. Stick the sword in there.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Okay. [Piercing the box with the sword] Shaka–

Sheila: Ouch!

Rudulfo: Okay, that’s enough.

[Rudulfo opens the door]

[Sheila comes out of the box with lot of blood but still happy]

Sheila: The great Rudolfo, everyone. Would you like to levitate me now, master?

Rudulfo: No, perhaps we should postpone the show.

Sheila: No, come on, I can do this.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Yeah, she’s right, let her do stuff.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Very well, for our finale tonight, behold, the water tank of death. You, sir.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Come on baby, you got this, just like that time you fell in the tub.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Sir, come up here and put these handcuffs on me.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Oh, absolutely.

Rudulfo: Now, [Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila] the average man can hold their breath for two minutes, with my arms shackled. I have 120 seconds to release my assistant before the water becomes a watery tomb.

Clarence: This is what I’m talking about.

Rudulfo: When you are ready, descend into the tank.

Sheila: I will descend into the tank now master.

Rudulfo: Start the clock.

[Sheila doesn’t want to get in the tub because of cold water]

Sheila: Wait a minute, they do this every night.

Rudulfo: I’m having trouble with my chain. Is my assistant inside?

Sheila: Almost here, master. Okay. Save me Rudolfo.

[Sheila slowly gets inside the water tank, but she doesn’t even drown in the tank because she’s too big]

Clarence: You’re supposed to put your head under the water.

Sheila: I did, shut up.

Clarence: Hey, man, what is going on here? [Cut to Rudulfo and Clarence] I paid you good money to kill my wife.

Rudulfo: I’m trying to, man. But she’s not making it easy.

[Cut to the stage with everybody]

Clarence: You’re damn right, she don’t make nothing easy. I brought this just in case. [Clarance brings a hairdryer]

Rudulfo: Where are you going?

Clarence: Yeah, that’s right, baby. Let me help you out.

Sheila: Help!

Clarence: Hold this. I’m going to find a plug and plug it in. Here you go.