Heidi Gardner
Alex Moffatt
Jennifer Lopez
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Kimmy … Chloe Fineman
[Starts with people in hardware store.]
Heidi: Oh, look, honey, this is so cute. It’s like a read hardware store. It’s like basic needs things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, babe, imagine me in these gloves. Look manly?
Heidi: It’d be so cute, huh? [Heidi and Speaker 2 walks to the store counter] Hi!
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: Hi there. How can we help you?
Heidi: Oh, my god, your tights are cute.
Kate: Oh, wow, you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. You hear that?
Jennifer: Yeah! She thinks these are tights. These are reinforced industrial leggings from tractor.
Cecily: Yeah, cute tights don’t matter when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, runnin’ through thorny brush like a tank.
Kate: Yeah. What matters is you don’t scratch your skunk.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Why would you be running through brush screaming?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: Well, to get away, you know?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: From what?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: I don’t know if you heard but you’re deep in Wisconsin’s bear country.
Kate: Yeah. We have a ton of black bears.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: I’m sorry. Aren’t they hibernating right now?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: Hah! Did you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. That’s why they’re supposed to be doing. But so many city folks get houses out here and don’t secure their trash.
Kate: Yeah. We call them cidiots!.
Jennifer: These bears, they’re like my husband. He could be sawing logs in the lazy boy but as soon as I come in the door with my Mickey D’s quarter pounder, he’s wide awake ripping my bag apart and—ba dab a ba b,a he’s lovin’it.
Kate: So, what you need today?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: Well, we rented a house and we’re having some friends up and we just want to be prepared.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: So how many folks you having up?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Like 15.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Hey, you got to be careful on something. You don’t want that sucker up the wall.
Cecily: Yeah! you’re gonna need some bacteria kegs to keep that under control. Everybody doing their morning constitutional.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Um, I think our friends would probably just go to Starbucks.
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: Come here, come here.
[Kimmy runs in]
Why don’t you get them something. Cakes. We have the savings from our owns to put in.
Kimmy: On it!
[Kimmy runs away]
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2 confused.]
Speaker 2: Wow! Is that all of her hair?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Yeah. My girl!
Jennifer: It’s never been cut. She still has her baby hair on the end.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: So is Kimmy your daughter?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: No, she’s nobody’s daughter. She came with the hardware store.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. She’s just, you know, always been here.
Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, sometimes I hear her cursing and throwing things in the stock room. I’m assuming it’s a shadow from her past.
Cecily: Yeah, local paper wrote about how she was the Rapunzel of this hardware store.
[Kimmy runs in with something in her hand]
Kimmy: I found the septic cake.
Cecily: Okay. here you go. This should do you.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Oh my god! Babe, what did I do with my keto bar?
Speaker 2: Oh! You know what? I think you left it outside because you don’t want anyone to think you eat.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Look!
[Cut to a bear outside the store.]
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: She left a snack bar out? Are you crazy? That bear woke up for it.
Kate: Oh, cidiots!
Cecily: He is supposed to be asleep.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Honey, look how stupid adorable he is.
Jennifer: Adorable? Get the bear repellant.
Kimmy: Getting it and got it.
Kate: Now go outside and spray that bear. It’s your turn.
Kimmy: I am on it.
Cecily: Yeah! Spray works good, right? But, that’s a pain in the tush.
[Kimmy walks to the bear to spray on it.]
Cecily: Uh-oh, can’s not working. Kimmy’s bear repellant must have a faulty part.
[Cut to the bear killing Kimmy.]
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: That bear is flinging Kimmy by her hair.
Cecily: There she goes. Throwing her like a Frisbee.
Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, she’s up. She’s up. Kimmy, get inside.
[Kimmy runs in. She doesn’t has her hair.]
Kimmy: I survived but I lost my hair.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Cute hair cut. I’m getting that.
Jennifer: No, I don’t go out there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Is she going to be okay?
Kate: No. NO, she’s dead for sure.
[Cut to Heidi and the bear taking a selfie]
[Cut to everybody inside]
Cecily: Okay, now, that’s new and different.
Year: 2019
Will Ferrell’s Ryan Reynolds Monologue
Will Farrell
Ryan Reynolds
Tracy Morgan
[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell.
[cheers and applause]
[band playing music]
[Will Farrell walks in the door and to the stage]
Will Farrell: Thank you, thank you very much. It is so nice to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live.” New York city in the house. Get your hands up. Get your hands up. Is this a thing that people still do? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Like I was saying, it is so great to be back here in studio8-H. I was a cast member for seven years. I cherished every moment that I was here. Really some of the best times that I—I’m sorry. One second. Excuse me. But you look like Ryan Reynolds.
[Cut Ryan Reynolds sitting between the audience.]
[cheers and applause]
Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. I get that a lot.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Is it you?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Oh, wow. Okay, cool. Welcome to the show.
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Thank you. I’m a big fan.
Will Farrell: Big fan of me?
Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. Oh, okay.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Fine. I didn’t know you were going to be here. Yeah. Okay. So, where were we? I – I can’t believe you’re here. God, Ryan Reynolds is here.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds waving]
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Cool, cool. Okay. Sorry, you good?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Yes, I’m good. I’m just here to enjoy the show.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Yes, of course. Anyway, always great to be hack in the new blork. New York. New York. Speaking English much? Got milk? Is it really you?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: And you came to the show because—
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: To see you. Like I said, we’re big fans.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: We’re? Like we? Who’s we?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: My wife and I.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: You mean Blake Lively?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Yes.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: And she’s watching, too?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. She’s at home, but yeah.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: And she likes me, too?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Probably more than me.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: [laughing] Okay. That’s not too shabby. Great. Fun. TSA pre check what? Sorry. What am I saying? Okay. So, anyway, I was saying New York city in the house. I have never gotten that phrase, “In the house.” Like, all of New York city could, you know, fit into one house. Imagine the line for the bathroom.
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Will? You’ve got to stop looking at me, okay?
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Oh, am I? Am I? Is it too much?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Yeah, it’s—It’s a little much. Yeah.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Backstreet’s back all right. What? Why would I say that? Why? Why would I say that in front of Ryan Reynolds. You would never mess up like that, would you?
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Can you just pretend I’m not here?
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: No way. It’s too late. I’m locked in. It’s like the rest of the audience has disappeared.
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Will, just do the monologue.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: No, the monologue is terrible. But you know what’s not terrible? Ryan Reynolds. Yeah! Ryan Reynolds. He took ‘Deadpool” from scrap heap and turned it into box office gold.
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: Are you impersonating Tracy Morgan?
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Whenever I get nervous, I go into Tracy Morgan. In fact, I delivered my wedding vows in his voice. I was so nervous. It was a big day.
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do that.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: Will Farrell can do whatever he wants.
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: I just wanted to enjoy the show. Please stop addressing me.
[Cut to Will Farrell. Tracy Morgan walks in.]
Tracy Morgan: Ryan Reynolds, you listen to me. The prophecy must be fulfilled. This is Will Ferrell. Ferrell. He can do what he wants to do. I suckled from his comedy bosom. And like a young Luke Skywalker, he filled me with strength. The rest is as they say, “It’s puppy dogs and gum drops.”
[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]
Ryan Reynolds: What’s happening?
[Cut to Will Farrell and Tracy Morgan]
Will Farrell: The prophecy! Oh, my goodness, thank you, Tracy! I feel so much better.
Tracy Morgan: Anything for you, Farrell. If you talk like me again, I’m going to bust your ass.
Will Farrell: As you should. Yes, yes! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. King Princess is here. So, don’t go away.
Both: Backstreet’s back all right!
Will Ferrell Joins the Five-Timers Club
[Starts with Will Farrell on SNL stage]
Will Farrell: I mean, me? Will Farrell?
[Cut to other times Will Farrell hosted SNL]
The funny man!
The goof-bag!
On Saturday Night Live?
In New York city.
What?
[Cut to 5-timers intro]
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Will Farrell: [thinking] Oh, brother! This guy!
[Cut to old videos of Will Farrell on SNL]
Will Farrell: What’s going on?
Will Ferrell Gives an SNL Studio Tou
[Starts with Will Farrell in SNL studio]
Will Farrell: Hi. Will Ferrell here, and I thought I would spend some time giving you a tour of Studio 8-H.Let’s begin.
[Will starts walking forward]
Of course, right here is our page desk. All of our pages work very hard here. [Cut to members of page waving at the camera]
[Cut to Will Farrell]
None of them are wearing pants.
Here’s some of the hosts that have been hosting, [Cut to frames of pictures of hosts hung on the wall.] some wonderful photography.
[Cut to Will Farrell]
Here we have cue cards. A lot of the cue cards are done in foreign languages just for the heck of it.
This is the famous ladder section right here.
[Cut to the ladders]
[Cut to Will Farrell]
When everyone comes to “Saturday Night Live,” they want to know, “Where are the ladders kept?” This is, uh, Pete Davidson’s tattoo artist. I don’t like to bother him. Right back in that little… that little… nook right there is the ghost of Fred Armisen. That’s where he lives.
[Producer: Will, he’s still alive]
Oh, he’s still alive? Oh. I didn’t know that. Here we are, Studio 8-H. Look at it in all of its grandeur. You know what the capacity is? It seats 2,000 people. Can you believe that?
[Will Farrell concentrates to hear something]
And that — did you he– That’s the Studio 8-H owl. There’s a family of owls that live here. And it’s a wonderful population. They’re protected by the State of New York.
That’s our tour. I’m gonna go ahead and take, uh, a nap. I like to take a nap during rehearsal right — right where the monologue is delivered.
[Cut to Will Farrell lying on the SNL monologue stage]
Quiet, please. I’m trying to take a nap.
Weekend Update: Harriet Tubman & Buttigieg Dance
Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Julia Roberts and Harriet Tubman Biopic’s cover at right top corner.]]
Michael Che: The screenwriter of the new Harriet Tubman Biopic said when he first pitched the movie in the ’90s, a studio executive suggested Julia Roberts play Harried Tubman. I know. Worse, it was going to be called ‘Runaway Bride 2.” I’d watch that.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of dress and accessories at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I’m worried about this one now. An auction of Nazi memorabilia was held, which featured items such as Hitler’s top hat and Eva Braun’s dress. And it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia, because everyone always looks like they’re bidding. [picture changes to Nazi army raising their hands.] Thank you. Some applause. I liked it.
[picture changes to Pete Buttingieg]
Pete Buttingieg’s campaign has released a viral dance video set to panic at the disco’s ‘High hopes.’
[Cut to a video clip of people dancing on ‘High Hopes’ at Pete Buttingieg’s campaign.]
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: It’s all part of Mayor Pete’s strategy to get a negative percentage of the black vote.
[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a note written “Meth. We’re on it.” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: South Dakota’s governor is defending a new anti-meth campaign which features a tagline— “Meth. We’re on it.” Which isn’t as bad as North Dakota’s ad campaign— “Cocaine. We cracked it!”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of M&M’s at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The maker of M&Ms announced a new vegan chocolate candy made with a plant based alternative. So, I guess the real news here is that apparently regular M&Ms are made of meat.
[Cut to M&Ms commercial]
Announcer: M&Ms; we have the meats.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a black blank picture at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: So dumb. Scientists are working to develop advanced ultra black materials, so dark they absorb 99% of all light. Oh, sure, but when I try to develop ultra black material, [Cut to Colin Jost’s picture of his stand-up show] I’m booed at the Apollo.
[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Vagina Museum at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new museum is opened in London called the Vagina Museum which focuses on de-stigmatizing female anatomy and if you’re planning a trip, remember, it’s closed one week a month.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]
Colin Jost: [laughing] Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.
Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Thanksgiving Dating Tips
Colin Jost
Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat
Guy who knows the owner… Ryan Reynolds
[Starts with Colin Jost in his ‘Weekend Update’ set]
Colin Jost: Guys, I don’t know if you heard, but thanksgiving in next week. Here with his thanksgiving dating tips is a guys who just bought a boat.
[Guy who just bought a boat slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Guy who just bought a boat: [singing] Over the river and through my wood
throbble, throbble, and happy spanks-sniffing.
Colin Jost: Oh, god. spanks sniffing? I have not– I’m not complaining but I haven’t seen you out here in a while.
Guy who just bought a boat: True. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] I was out of the game for skosh. I was fighting overseas.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: Oh! You were in the military?
Guy who just bought a boat: No. I was fighting over Cs. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] She wanted Bs, but I said, “Hey, I’m paying for ‘em. Get the cupgrade.”
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
No. Now, let’s talk turkey. Shall we? [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Here’s some dating tips for the holiday Sleaze. Okay? If you want your feast to be gas-tag blessed, you better be like my high school—prepped.
Colin Jost: Yeah. [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] Just before you go on, can I remind you that thanksgiving is a family holiday, okay?
Guy who just bought a boat: Sure, I’ll do my breast. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Now, if you’re at friendsgive and in charge of the turk, don’t be a jerk. Here’s how to make it twerk. Slide some land O’lakes under the skin to make the white meat wet. And bust out the real cranberries and she’s guaranteed to ocean spray. I have a small penis.
Colin Jost: What?
Guy who just bought a boat: Now, [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] if you want to get pot-lucky, bring a time tested side to the tabe. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] The right side dish leads to slide fish. Stick the landing and you’ll be like stove top. Stuffing an open bird. And trust me, by then she’ll be saying those magic words, “Just use your finger, it’s bigger.” Remember, mac and cheese leads to rack and squeeze.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: [laughing] What’s going on?
Guy who just bought a boat: And … [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] if you put in the eff before you cornocopulate, everything will be on the menu. Her candied gams. Her vulveeta. Even her green bean asserole. My dong is after myballs.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: Good god, dude.
Guy who just bought a boat: Look. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] T-gives is a grande day. Too much for one honcho. So, here to ‘splain the rest is my fra-bra’ from siggie-eps, guy who knows the owner.
[Guy who knows the owner slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Guy who just bought a boat: There’s my guy.
Guy who knows the owner: It’s tight to be here, Cojo. I was jut in the Areola.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]
Guy who just bought a boat: Whoa.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. This guy is not on my list.
Guy who knows the owner: Please, I know the owner.
[Cut to Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]
Guy who knows the owner: Rule numbero un, this thanksgiving, if you want to move out of the friend zone and into her end zone, pay her a compliment. Like, “Nice cooking”. Or “I’d have sex with you.” Remember, class leads to ass. This dong is huge and it can’t get hard. After the main intercourse, you’ll want to loosen your belt. Because it’s time for a long winter’s fap. Takes three hours. Nothing comes out. It’s a loaf of wet bread. Or play your cards right and she’ll slip off her loubou-t pumps and play a little under the table footsie that will have her say, “Is that a giant, old, soft, decaying banana in your pants or are you just not interested to see me?”
[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: That’s what she’ll say? I gotta say, that’s just a little hard to unpack.
Guy who knows the owner: So is my wang. It’s a skin slinky color.
Colin Jost: You guys, I’m sorry. You guys have to leave. I’m sorry.
Guy who knows the owner: Hey, hold on. What does gravy have in common with this dude? [pointing at Guy who just bought a boat]
Colin Jost: What?
Guy who just bought a boat: We both come in a boat!
Colin Jost: God. That’s two best friends. Everyone.
Guy who just bought a boat: See you at the parade.
Weekend Update: End of Impeachment Hearings
Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]
Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of impeachment hearing at left top corner.]
Testimony in the impeachment hearing concluded in the house this week. And now the debate will shift to your house for thanksgiving. [Picture changes to David Nunes] It was reported last night that one of the stars of the hearing, congressman Devin Nunes, who has resting Spongebob face allegedly met in secret last year with a Ukrainian prosecutor to get dirt on the Bidens. So, the guy who’s supposed to be investigating Trump helped him do the crime. Nunes is so deep in this, he’s basically living in a pineapple under the sea. Now, the source of the theory is a little unreliable. So, I probably should not have mentioned it on TV. But, hey, that never stopped Devin Nunes. Do you remember when he said this about democrats?
[Cut to David Nunes speaking]
David Nunes: They got caught trying to obtain nude photos of president Trump from Russian pranksters.
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Somehow, I don’t think Russia has a lot of pranksters. It’s not like when the president of Russia poisons a journalist he jumps out and yells, “You just got Putined!” [Picture changes to Gordon Sondland] But the big revelation this week has the EU ambassador Gordon Sondland explicitly tied Trump, Mike Pompeo, and Mike Pence to the Ukraine scandal. It’s especially though for Pence, [picture changes to Mike Pence] whose greatest fear is being tied to something by another man.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Gordon Sondland at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I love how much fun Sondland was having. Look at his face. He’s in court for one of the biggest political scandals of all time, and he looks like he just took a molly suppository. How is he so relaxed in court? Meanwhile, every time a cop asks my name, I get so nervous I can barely say Kenan Thompson.
[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of David Holmes and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: On Thursday, state department official David Holmes testified to overhearing a phone call between Trump and Sondland, to which the president responded, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “I have been watching people make phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have I been able to hear or understand a conversation.” [Cut to Colin Jost] Well, I definitely believe you have never understood a conversation. That actually explains—everything. But I’m not sure you have great hearing based on every press conference I have even seen you do.
[Cut to several video clips of Donald Trump speaking in press conference.]
Donald Trump: I can’t hear you. [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear you, John. [Cut to another clip] You’re gonna have to speak a little louder. [Cut to another clip] Speak up! [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear your question. [Cut to another clip] I think you’re gonna have to speak up. [Cut to another clip] You have to speak up, I can’t hear you.
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: [With hand gestures] I said your hearing is great. Trump also tweeted that he’s strongly considering testifying before congress in the impeachment inquiry and, oh, my god, I wish he would. Can you imagine if both Trump and Giuliani testified on live TV? The ratings would be insane. It would be like the super bowl. But with worst brain damage.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Michael Bloomberg at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Former New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke at predominantly black church in Brooklyn, where he apologized for this ‘Stop and Frisk” policy. And as a black man from New York I’ll say, apology noted. Not accepted. Just noted. Because as much as I hate to be racially profiled, I got to admit, “Stop and Frisk” did give me a good excuse for being late to work a lot. It also helped me find a lot of weed, I thought I lost.
[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]
Ventriloquist
Announcer… Alex Moffat
Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell
Kenan Thompson
Cecily Strong
[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge]
[applause]
Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.
[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.]
[applause]
Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]
Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?
Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.
[Cut to audience laughing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.
Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.
[Cut to audience laughing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.
Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.
[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?
Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.
[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]
Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.
Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!
[Cut to the audience]
Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: I’m sorry?
[Cut to the audience]
Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.
Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.
[Cut to the audience]
Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.
Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.
Chippy: Just let me go!
[audience booing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?
[Cut to the audience]
Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]
Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.
Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.
[music playing]
You say potato and I say potahto.
Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.
Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell
Cecily Strong
Mikey Day
Kyle Mooney
Heidi Gardner
[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]
Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.
[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]
[Cheers and applause]
Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!
Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.
Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.
Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.
[Cut to the reporters]
Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.
[Cut to the reporters]
Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.
[Cut to the reporters]
Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.
Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.
[Gordon Sondland walks in]
I’m holding everybody up, okay?
Gordon Sondland: No.
Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.
[Cut to the reporters]
Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”
[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]
Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?
Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.
Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.
Donald Trump: Thank you.
Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—
Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.
Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.
Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.
Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Pizza Ad
Director… Mikey Day
Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon
Mr. Richard… Will Farrell
Daughter… Heidi Gardner
Son… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]
Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.
Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.
Son: It’s legit, like, good.
[Cut to Director]
Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.
Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”
Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: No! Oh, my god!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]
Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!
[Cut to Director]
Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!
[Cut to
Mr. Richard]
Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: This is so good.
Son: Best pizza ever!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]
Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?
Mrs. Richard: No!
Director: You don’t?
Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.
Director: Are you doing okay mom?
Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.
Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Son: Mom, be happy. Please.
[Cut to Director]
Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!
[Cut to the Richard’s family]
Director: How about some pepperoni?
Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!
Son and Daughter: Alright!
Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.
Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.
Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?
Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!
Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Mom, what?
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.
Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.
[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.]
[Cut to Director]
Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.
[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]
Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Dad! Awkward!
[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]
Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!
Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]
Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?
Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.
[Mrs. Richard walks in]
Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!
Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.
Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.
Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.
[Cut to the Richards]
Mrs. Richard: What did you say?
Daughter: You’re our mom.
Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.
Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!
Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.
Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?
All: Yeah!
Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.
[Cheers and applause]