Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Weekend Update One-Dimensional Female Character On The Super Bowl

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow night. And here with her predictions for the big game, is the one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome back, Heather.

Heather: It’s me, Heather, from work. [Cut to Heather] You might not have noticed me but when you’re making jokes with your friends during the meetings, I’m the one at the back going… [Heather rolls her eyes and sighs]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so for your one dimensional female character, I hear you’re actually a pretty big football fan.

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I know. It’s pretty confusing, right? I’m a girl, but I’m also hot. But I also like sports. It’s why I’m in this cute girl jersey. And tonight, I’m gonna walk in front of my stainless steel refrigerator in just this and no pants. That’s how much I like sports.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! So, do you have any predictions on the score?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Fine. I’ll go out with you. But I’ll probably get annoyed of you half way through dinner and leave. You really need to grow up.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I do?

Heather: You’re one to talk. [Cut to Heather] Do you even remember Megan’s lunch party? You were so wasted. You made a fool of yourself. While I was in the back in my $8,000 dress, my face was like this all night. [makes confused face] You need to grow up.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what do you think, like, Seahawks? Patriots?

Heather: Alright, the truth. I’m pregnant.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you’re pregnant?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: You just can’t tell it from looking at my body from the front, or the back. Or in a bikini. My body just doesn’t show it, ever. And it never will. Sorry, I’m so complicated.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I feel like I’m missing something here.

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Oh, just like you missed the Jamar’s class because you decided to get thrown in the country jail for streaking with your friends. Fat Jerry and horny one.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is anyone following this?

Heather: Remember? You called me from jail [Cut to Heather] and I said, “Um-hmm! Um-hmm. [sigh].”

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Heather, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Heather: Nice try Colin. [Cut to Heather] Run away like you always do. [starts crying] You know what the worst part is? I actually thought you’d be excited about this. God, I’m so stupid.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Heather, I’m utterly baffled by what’s going on right now. But I promise I had no intention to making you cry.

[Heather looks at Colin Jost and music starts playing]

Heather: Wow! You really have changed. You’ve grown up a lot.

Colin Jost: When?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I guess my sassy gay friend was right about you. He said, “Girl, that guys is fierce [pointing the heart] in here.” Queen didn’t lie. Here, do you want to hold your baby?

[Heather passes a baby doll to Colin Jost]

He has your eyes and your face.

Colin Jost: Oh my god, I’m a dad. I mean, I have so much to teach my child. Wait a second, is this the baby from American Sniper?

Heather: I know, confusing, right?

Colin Jost: The one dimensional female character from male driven comedy, everyone!

Heather: Go pass!

Weekend Update Jebidiah

Michael Che

Jebidiah Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The 57th annual Grammy awards are next week. Here with his reviews on nominees is someone who has been around for all 57 ceremonies. 1860s newspaper critique Jebidiah Atkinson.

[Jebidiah Atkinson slides in]

Jebidiah Atkinson: Thank you, Michael. It’s an honor to be here.

Michael Che: So, Jebidiah , are you excited for the Grammy’s

Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, yes. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Who wouldn’t be excited for a night long tribute to the Spotify playlist of a 12 year old girl?

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. But have you listened to all of this year’s nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I have, Michael. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] I’ve heard every nominated song and have carefully judged the merit of each. As always, I think you’ll find my reviews to be thoughtful and measured. [clears throat] This year’s Grammy’s nominees make me wish I lived in a soundless vacuum of space.

Meghan Trainor, she’s all about that base, bout that base, no talent.

U2? I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. A way to delete your album. And to answer your question Bono, without you.

Iggy Azalea. Hey Iggy, wake up and smell the Azaleas, you’re white! The last time anyone stole that much from black people, everybody is still dressed like me.

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I mean, Jebidiah , that seems pretty harsh. You didn’t like any of the nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven’t liked any Grammy nominee ever! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] It’s been 57 years of unlistenable rubbish and I’ve reviewed it all. Here are few of my classics.

Madonna. Oh, you mean the only thing Alex can still hit. No thank you. Next!

Hall and Oates. The most talented member of that group is ‘The End’. Next!

Celine Dion. Someone turn her Celine Di-off! My heart will go on? This song is bigger disaster than the actual Titanic. And I should know, I was there

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You were on the actual Titanic?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I certainly was. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] And if you as me, there were too many life boats. Oh! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che] Save it! That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Michael Che: Alright, Jebidiah , getting back to the Grammy’s. Is there seriously no nominees you ever liked? Like, ever! What about the Beatles? Everybody loves the Beatles.

Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, the Beatles. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] If anything, they ruined Yoko. Next!

Frank Sinatra. His only decent hits were the ones the mafia did for him. Ah!

Now we come to the worst Grammy nominee of all time, Elvis. But I probably shouldn’t do this one since the audience jumped ship over the Titanic joke.

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, you probably–

Jebidiah Atkinson: [yelling] I’m going to do it, Michael! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Elvis has left the building. Why, was there a sail across the street on Capes and Quaaludes? And those lyrics, ‘You ain’t nothing but a hound dog’. If those lyrics were any more juvenile, Michael Jackson would have tried to take napes with him. Ah! Ah!

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

That joke too old for you? It was too old for Michael too.

Michael Che: Jebidiah Atkinson, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog on a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that half of the dogs in the US are overweight. Which explains why the most popular breed in America is the type type 2 dia-beagle.

[Picture changes to a calendar of the month February.]

It’s February which means it’s black history month. A time when post offices release special stamps as a tribute to great people of color. Famous black heroes like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, [Picture changes to Panthro comic character] Panthro, etc. etc. But this year, I’d like to see stamps of lesser known black heroes that history books may have forgotten. I mean we all know Thurgood Marshall, the first black member of the Supreme Court. But do you know PJ Morton? The first black member of Maroon 5? He could use a stamp. There’s a stamp for Crispus Attucks, the first American to die in revolutionary war. But what about the stamp for Crispus Attucks’s mother? The first black woman to name her son Chrispus!

Of course we all know Jackie Robinson, the first African American in major league baseball. But do you know Johnny Keys, the first black man in interracial porno? I know what you’re thinking, but could you imagine what Johnny Keys had to go through in those days? I mean, Jackie Robinson got death threats and he was just playing baseball with white people. Johnny Keys should be on every stamp. And while we’re giving out stamps, how about Maury Povich? I know he is white. But he has brought more black families together than anyone I can think of. [There’s a picture of Maury Povich’s TV show] And he set more black men free than Abraham Lincoln himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sam smith and Tom Petty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Sam Smith has agreed to pay Tom Petty royalties for his hit song ‘Stay With Me’ due to it’s resemblance to Petty’s song ‘I won’t back down’. While Petty has agreed to pay royalties to Disney due to his resemblance to [Picture changes to Tom Petty and cartoon Jiminy Cricket] Jiminy Cricket.

[Picture changes to Disney cartoon]

Disney this week unveiled Elena, it’s first Latina princess. Oh, sure, but when I call someone a Latina princess, I’m “ruining the quinceanera”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Court and a bat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How many quinceanera are you going to, man? People fled a courtroom in Arkansas after more than 30 bats flew inside during the trial. “Uh, that doesn’t not look good for me”, said the woman on trial for witchcraft.

[Picture changes to Hershey’s milk chocolate]

The Hershey company has announced that it has purchased Krave Pure Foods which makes beef jerky. Hershey made the purchase while drunk at a gas station.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A cat who was buried by it’s owner after it was hit by a car dug it’s way out of the grave and returned to it’s owner five days later. That story again, a lady found a cat that looked like her old cat.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Mitt Romney announced Friday that he would not be running in the 2016 presidential race. [audience applaud] To which republicans responded, [in soft voice] “No, please, no. Okay.”

[Picture changes to Raul Castro]

Cuban’s Raul Castro has demanded that if the US wants to restore full diplomatic relations, it must return control of Guantanamo bay to Cuba. And I’m guessing, we’re not getting back [Picture changes to people held in prison.] our security deposit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia flag.]

Michael Che: President Obama defended the need for the US to maintain a closer lines with Saudi Arabia despite the country’s poor human rights record. But I get what Obama’s doing. You see, oil is our drug and Saudi Arabia is our dealer. And you can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer. Coz I mean, like most drug dealers, Saudi Arabia is a little sketchy and he has some strange opinions on politics and women, but you listen to him anyway. And you should, coz he’s got that loud sticky icky oil. It ain’t easy to find.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has filed paperwork to form a political action committee which is step one, toward a possible presidential campaign. However, Christie maintains as step zero on his fitbit.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was noted this week that the acronym for Chris Christie’s new political action committee, LeadershipMattersForAmerica.Org spells out the internet slang, LMFAO. Not to be confused with Joe Biden’s slogan, [Picture changes to Joe Biden with his slogan acronym ‘DTF’] Deliver The future.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl]

During the Super Bowl on Sunday, the NFL will show it’s first anti-domestic violence PSA. Hey, that’s smart. Show at the one time NFL players can’t watch it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Benedict Cumberbatch apologize for comments he made during an interview in which he referred to black actors as colored. In fairness, the interview was with ‘Just Between You and Me’ magazine.

Totino’s Activity Pack Super Bowl Commercial

Venessa Bayer

J.K. Simmons

[Starts with four guys enjoying a football game drinking beer.]

Guys: Go, go, yeah!

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Who’s ready for some more to Totino’s pizza rolls?

J.K. Simmons: Thanks honey.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

J.K. Simmons: Now get out of here you, the game’s on.

Venessa: Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.

Guys: Ah!

[Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

Venessa narrating: When it comes to the big game, I love feeding my hungry guys. But, now what? I normally just sit in the kitchen waiting for them to ask for more delicious Totino’s pizza rolls. But that can be so boring. Well, not anymore. [showing a board game] Introducing Totino’s new Super Bowl Activity Pack for women. It’s full of fun little puzzles and games to keep my mind active and learning while I wait back here.

[Cut to guys cheering]

[Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

My hungry guys aren’t the only ones having fun today. With my Super Bowl Activity Pack for women, [spinning a top] I can spin a little top, [doing the kid’s ‘connect the dots’ art game] connect the dots.

Venessa: Oh! Look at the little bee.

Venessa narrating: Do a word search.

Venessa: Hat, I found hat.

Venessa narrating: [Counting board game money] Count my own money. And plenty of other activities I can drop in a moment’s notice.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Honey, we’re out pizza rolls.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Coming right up.

[Venessa brings the guys some pizza rolls]

Beck: Oh, my favorite.

Jay: Ooh!

Bobby: Totino’s!

Venessa: Look honey, it’s a little bee.

J.K. Simmons: Yeah! We’re also out of beers, when you got a sec.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, does your wife wanna watch the game with us?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, she’s good. She’s got a little activity pack.

[Behind J.K. Simmons, Venessa is playing games like children.]

Venessa narrating: Plus, if I get hungry from all the puzzles and games, my activity pack comes with one little Totino… just for me.

[Cut to the guys cheering]

[Venessa comes in]

Venessa: Is the game almost over?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, it’s till the first quarter.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Well, I already did that whole activity pack you gave me.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Well, open another one then.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. Anything for my hungry–

J.K. Simmons: [interrupting Venessa] Go!

[Venessa just leaves]

Female voice: The Totino’s Superbowl Activity Pack. for grown women ages 5 & up.

The Jay Z Story

Jay Z… Mike O’ Brien

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beyonce… Sasheer Zamata

Kanye West… Jason Sudeikis

Nas… J.K. Simmons

[Starts with black and white video clips of the streets.]

Male voice: This is the story of the greatest rapper of all time. This is the definitive funny accurate biopic that is the final word on the subject. This is ‘The Jay Z Story’, with Mike O’ Brien as Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z at the cornor of the street selling drugs]

Jay Z: Cocaine? Cocaine for sale. Wanna buy some cocaine? Hello, walked by me.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah sitting on a chair]

Jay Pharoah: Hey, you seem a little down. What’s on your mind, man?

Jay Z: I think I might stop selling cocaine.

Jay Pharoah: And do what?

Jay Z: I think I want to be a rapper.

Jay Pharoah: Shawn, that’s an excellent idea.

Jay Z: I should head back to Marcy Projects.

Jay Pharoah: You know what trends around here? You should take the J or the Z.

Jay Z: You just gave me an idea about what my fake name could be, you son of a gun.

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran in the Label office.]

Taran: Look, I gotta be honest. I got a huge kick out of the Black album and people are buying millions of copies.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: Ya, right! Are you messing with me?

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran]

Taran: No, I’m not Sha– Jay Z. You are great at rap.

Jay Z: This is insane! I can’t believe I’m great at rap.

[Beyonce walks in the office]

Beyonce: Oh, sorry. I’m early.

[Jay Z turns around and looks at Beyonce in slow motion.]

[Cut to Beyonce. Her hair is blown in slow motion. She smiles.]

[Cut to Jay Z. He stands up.]

Jay Z: I’m Shawn. Um, Jay Z.

[Cut to Beyonce]

Beyonce: I’m Beyonce from Destiny’s Child.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: I know who you are. PS, you’re so pretty.

[Cut to video clips of Jay Z struggling in the streets.]

Male voice: A look at the Hard Knock Life of New York’s quirkiest rapper.

[Cut to video clips of Grammy’s and people recognizing Jay Z in the public. His pictures are on the front pages of the magazines.]

[Cut to Jay Z in a restaurant.]

Jay Z: You’ve been making some fantastic beats for me, Kanye.

[Cut to Kanye West. He’s also a white guy.]

Kanye West: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Jay Z and Kanye West]

Jay Z: Ay, where do you see yourself in five years?

Kanye West: I wanna be a rapper. Like you.

Jay Z: I think that…[Kanye West looks nervous] It could be amazing!

Kanye West: Holy guacamole! Ah, man! You had me so nervous. I didn’t know how you would respond to that. I didn’t think you–

Jay Z: Kanye, look at me. Your brain works like no one I’ve ever met, truly.

Kanye West: Thanks.

Jay Z: What are we doing eating these huge salads. Let’s go practice rapping. Meet me in the studio.

Kanye West: Okay, see you there.

[Cut to Jay Z and Nas. Nas is also a white guy.]

Nas: Not so fast, you turd.

Jay Z: Oh, great, Nas. What do you want?

Nas: I want you to go to hell, Jay Z.

Jay Z: How about you kiss my butt, Nas?

Nas: I would, but I can’t tell which end is your butt.

Jay Z: I’ve crossed the line and you know it.

[Jay Z and Nas are fighting]

Time out! Time out! This is silly!

Nas: This is silly.

Jay Z: Buds?

Nas: Buds.

Jay Z: See you now.

Nas: Bye Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah walking in the streets.]

Jay Z: I wanna write a really great rap about New York.

Jay Pharoah: You know, that’s a great idea. You know, you should be like…

[rapping] I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to De Niro, but I’ll be hood forever

Jay Z: Hi, hello. Can I talk please? It wouldn’t be like that. I mean, you’re my best friend but that sounded weird.

[Cut to clips of Jay Z walking in the streets]

Male voice: It’s raw. It’s greedy. It’s 100% accurate.

Jay Z: Uh, rapping. To a rapper like me, it’s topnotch. I’m Jay Z and this was my story.

Teacher Snow Day

Student… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with clip of snowstorm news.]

[Cut to a TV in school’s cafeteria]

School announcer: Attention students in Ridgement School district. The following schools are closed today. [Cut to clips of empty school] St. Joseph hill and North Academy. Students should not come to school. I repeat, you must stay at home because this snow day, this snow day is for teachers!

[the music video starts]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[rapping] That’s right it’s a teacher’s snow day
no kids, no books, full pay

Cecily: You think we’re home grading papers
but we using em’ to smoke them our favorites

Leslie: Kids want a day off? Get in line
behind overwork teachers get drunk on wine

Sasheer: Teacher’s lounge is a nasty club

Kyle: And the only extra credit is a rub and tug

[Teachers are partying in teacher’s lounge]

Kenan: Teachers snow day

Cecily: Zero F’s given this is blizzard living

Kate: This ain’t the breakfast club, we drill to die

[Cut to a student walking in the halls of school alone]

Bobby: Here’s my hall pass sucker!

Jay: We got the school on lock
we do a lots of chalk
and when I’m in the R-room
I don’t wear a smock

Sasheer: Mr. K and Mrs. P are having 50 shades sex

Student: Just like I learned in my biology text.

Kyle: Mr. Reed, I’m doctor death
then I’m up in my chem lab, cooking meth.

Student: Came to school by mistake
saw drugs and jugs
thought my teachers were bitches
but they’re hardcore thugs

Bobby: Teachers snow day! Coz our dreams are dead, yo!

Aidy: The only PTA here is my pretty toy ass

Student: Not gonna lie, this is awesome!

[Cut to teachers looking out the window]

Jay: Oh, damn! It’s principal Hefernin

Cecily: I’ve never seen him at a snow day.

Leslie: He’s been here like, 65 years.

[Cut to principal in his car nodding his head to the beat]

Principal: This was my damn day off it wasn’t part of the plan
but when I roll up to school in my minivan
there’s something all these motherf* better understand
the dress code is out, I’m not wearing pants

Bobby: Understand that you can chuck your bleep
he got that something too, teachers lining up like team

Principal: I got PA announcement for every class
except, the P is for Pu* and A is for ass

Leslie: What do I teach? I don’t even remember
hands off in the spring a wake of September

Jay: We reverse hibernate, we asleep on summer

Kyle: So, when it’s blizzard time, we in a promp [bleep]

Cecily: This is our choice, teachers move the earth!

Kenan: We on that sweet dessert

Jay: We teach the children, we teach them well

Kate: But when it snows outside, they can go to hell.

Bobby: Yeah! Teachers snow day! 2k15. Forever!

Leslie: Kids trust us. We need this more than you!

Kenan: Teacher’s snow day. Shut it down!

[Cut to all the teachers passed out in the teacher’s lounge.]

[Cut to the student taking their pictures]

Student: Well, I’m definitely passing Chemistry now.

Super Bowl Shut Down With Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman And Marshawn Lynch

Richard Sherman… Jay Pharoah

Marshawn Lynch… Kenan Thompson

Vocal… Sasheer Zamata

Pianist… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Carroll… Taran Killam

[Starts with King5 video bumper]

Male voice: You’re watching King5, Seattle.

[Cut to to Super Bowl Shut Down set]

Announcer: It’s Super Bowl Shut Down with Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman.

[Cut to Richard]

[cheers and applause]

Richard: Hi, hello. I’m your host Richard Sherman, the greatest corner in the history of National Football League. Joining me as always is my team mate and good friend, [Cut to Richard and Marshawn] running back Marshawn Lynch. How you doing, Marshawn?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: So, Marshawn, are you excited to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Okay, Marshawn, I know that’s how you are with the media but this is just you and me and you don’t have to hid. So, what do you say?

Marshawn: Shout out to Hiden.

Richard: Oh, come on, man! Well, at least we got our 12 man band who traveled with us all the way from Seattle.

[Cut to the band. All the band members are wearing green clothes. They’re not playing music but they’re rocking their body.]

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Y’all sound loud tonight. We got the best fans in Seattle, don’t we?

[Cut to Vocal]

Vocal: That’s right. I’ve been a die hard fan since the beginning… of 2013.

[Cut to Pianist]

Pianist: Ha-ha! Coffee in rain.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now I’d like to begin the show the way I always do. By verbally assaulting someone who’s already lost. Today’s attack is going out to New York city mayor Bill De Blasio. [yelling] De Blasio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You a punk ass mayor. You call that the biggest snow storm in the history of New York? I’ve seen bigger blizzards at Dairy Queen. And you seriously trying to shut down whole city coz of that? You better learn. The only way you shut down a whole city is you put Richard Sherman on it. Boom! I went to Stanford.

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn]

Marshawn, you wanna jump in here?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Come on, man! Open up.

Marshawn: I like Skittles. Shout out to Skittles. And also, big up to Hash and Glasses.

Richard: Damn man! I shouldn’t have made this show four hours.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: But sure, the one thing we gotta talk about right is that scandal with the Patriots. A.K.A. deflate gate, a.k.a. ball gazi, a.k.a. the e-balla crisis. Patriots fans! You wanna see what a real football looks like?

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn. Marshawn hands over Richard a football with dreadlocks.]

That’s what a real football looks like! Handsome as hell.

Marshawn: Shout out to dreadlocks footballs.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now, out special guest tonight is the head coach of Seattle Seahawks. If there was ever a human dude who magically switched places with a happy ass Shaggy dog, it’s be this buy. Please welcome Pete Carroll.

[Cut to the stage. Pete walks in.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, heck, fellas! Thanks so much for having me on this dope show of your’s. This is just well. Now, Richard, I know your girlfriend’s supposed to have a baby tomorrow but I hope to see you on the field.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Oh, it’s probably best I don’t go. Last time I was in a delivery room, the doctor tried to catch the baby and I ran it back for the touchdown. Now coach, why don’t you tell the Patriots what we’re gonna do to them tomorrow?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Alright. Well, we’re gonna get out there and we’re gonna give those sons of guns some firm handshakes. Then we’re gonna battle them respectfully for 60 minutes.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Wait, wait, what? You mean we’re gonna murder the Patriots. Then we’re gonna hunt down their families and kill them too. You hear that Brady? The yearbook voted me best smile. [Richard smiles]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s fun, my dawg. And Marshawn, how you doing over there, bud?

[Cut to Marshawn. Marshawn just shakes his head.]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha. Is this guy great or what? Oh, man! He actually loves to laugh. Hey Marshawn, came up with a joke you’re gonna love. Knock, knock.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No comment.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s helmets.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Helmets you think we’re gonna win by tomorrow.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: [smiling] Okay, that’s pretty good.

[Cut to Richard, Marshawn and Pete]

Richard: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick break.

[Cut to Richard]

But first, live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Monologue J.K. Simmons on Movie Roles & Snowpocalyse ft. Fred Armisen

J.K. Simmons

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, J.K. Simmons.

[J.K. Simmons walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. This has already been an amazing year for me. I was in a movie called ‘Whiplash’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. I also played a blind lawyer in a show called ‘Growing Up Fisher’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. That was canceled. [audience laughing] And I was of course the voice of the yellow m&ms. So, I’m not sure which of those I’m here hosting because of. I guess it’s probably for Whiplash. It could be for those Farmers Insurance ads. Those are fun. [cheers and applause]

But I really loved being in Whiplash. It was a dream role. For those of you who have not seen the movie, I play a sort of mean intimidating band conductor who yells at his students a lot, but that’s not me in real life at all. I’m a nice guy. I got along great with the cast this week. In fact I became really good friends with Aidy and Kyle during the snowstorm. We all wrote a song together. [cheers and applause]

[Kyle and Aidy are ready. Kyle is on drums and Aidy is on piano.]

Now, CNN said the storm was going to be a snow-pocalypse. I think we can all agree it turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four.

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No.

[Kyle stops]

Sorry Kyles, not my tempo.

Kyle: Sorry.

J.K. Simmons: It’s all good. No worries. Let’s take it again. More of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four…

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No!

[Kyle stops]

You’re rushing.

It’s okay, it’s okay. I just really want this song to be great, okay? Here we go. More of a No-pocalypse. Ha-ha, two, three, four…

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No!

[Kyle stops]

Dragging! Kyle! What is up? Come on! Can you just.. This is not your little weird videos, okay? This is the opening of the show. Can you get it together? Lose the Alf sweatshirt and goofy hair, okay? Get on my tempo.

Kyle: I think my hair’s gorgeous, but…

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: I think all hair is ridiculous.

[audience laughing]

Go, go, go!

[Kyle leaves]

Pete, come on, you’re up. Let’s go.

[Pete comes in to play the drums]

Okay, here we go. Turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Ha-ha two, three, four…

[Pete plays different beat]

Stop!

[Pete stops]

Let me ask you a question, Pete. Do you think you’re cute?

Pete: [smiling] I guess.

J.K. Simmons: Sure, all the girls love you coz you’re the SNL cutie pie, huh? You know what is not cute? [yelling] Sucking at the drums.

Pete: Come on, man!

J.K. Simmons: Maybe you could play on my tempo if you spend as much time practicing as you do smoking pot.

Pete: Oh, I’m not gonna practice 100 hours a week.

[Pete leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Sorry for yelling. I just– I really want the song to be, you know, fun. It’s gonna be cute.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: This song is so great, Mr. Simmons.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Okay. If I want you to kiss my ass, I’ll tell ya’. Get out!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I really miss Blake Shelton.

[Aidy leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Leslie, come on. Get out here. Let’s go. You’re up.

[Leslie comes in to play the drums]

Leslie: Ay man! You know, I hope I do well. I’m just gonna try to do the best for you.

J.K. Simmons: Okay, great! You coming at the end of four.

Leslie: End of what?

J.K. Simmons: Two, three, four…

[Leslie just hits the drums randomly]

Stop! [yelling] Pathetic!

Leslie: [yelling] Ay! Do not scream at me J.K.! I’m a 47 year old woman. Do not do that. You need to pump your breaths, dude!

[Leslie leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Okay, alright, alright. Fair enough. Fair enough. Alright, who else we got? Anybody, come on!

[Fred comes in to play the drums]

[cheers and applause]

Alright, can you just wipe the dumb smile off your face, Armisen? You’re not important anymore. This is New York city, you’re on SNL. Remember? You used to be on the show. I watched when you were on the show. You know who my favorite character was?

Fred: Who was that?

J.K. Simmons: Stefon.

Fred: You know, I have an idea. Maybe just be nice. Because, drumming should be fun. You know, and I think that you’re just a little sweetie. You know what? I’m gonna play something nice for this little sweetie. What do you think of that?

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: I think it’s going to be terrible.

Fred: Okay, here we go.

[Leslie starts playing drums. He is playing well.]

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: Fred Armisen! We got a great show for you tonight. D’Angelo is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Miss Trash 2015

Dadonk Fonten… J.K. Simmons

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a clip of Cheetos Auditorium]

Male voice: Live form the Cheetos Auditorium, 20 minutes outside Vegas, it’s America’s favorite beauty pageant, ‘Miss Trash 2015’.

[Cut to the stage. Dadonk is the MC.]

Dadonk: It’s Miss Trash 2015. Hello and welcome. I’m your host Dadonk Fonten. This year we celebrated Miss American, Miss Universe, but tonight we crown the queen of the dump. The woman who is best at being the worst. So, without further due, let’s meet our contestants for Miss Trash 2015.

[Cut to Aidy dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

First up, it’s Miss Trash Delaware. She has never had a sip of water. Last week she tried to join ISIS but they said, “No, thanks.” And this is interesting. She is deaf… initely not wearing any underwear.

Aidy: Oh, Hi Dadonk. My talents are banging dudes and being rude, and if I win, the first thing I’m gonna do is lay the hell down for a year! Aha-ha-ha-ha.

Dadonk: Gorgeous. Next up, please welcome Miss Trash California.

[Cut to Cecily dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

Her nickname in high school was Slime Bitch. She was once dragged behind a horse for 15 miles and she is the woman who fired shots outside Joe Biden’s house last week.

Cecily: Hi, Dadonk. I wanna be Miss Trash coz when I was young, I was boy like. And I’ve taken all that anger of resentment and let it make me insane. And my behavior’s really bad.

Dadonk: What a beautiful story. Our third finalist is Miss Trash New York.

[Cut to Kate dancing in to the stage. She is a bit well dressed than the ones before.]

She has graduated at doggie day care. Her friends describe her as Butter with Eyes. And you can’t see them but she currently has over 400 stitches.

Kate: Hi, Dadonk. I should be Miss Trash because I love to do charity. Last week, I cut my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. They used it to make three outdoor brooms.

Dadonk: Fantastic. And finally, Miss Trash Vermont.

[Cut to Venessa walking in nicely. She is wearing a nice dress and her hair is nicely done.]

She loves necklaces and her little dog, Harry.

Venessa: Um, I thought this was Miss America.

Dadonk: But, did you check the right box on the form? The boxes for Miss America and Miss Trash are very close. Almost looks like the same box, but they’re not.

Venessa: Oh, maybe I didn’t.

Dadonk: Too bad, now you’re trash. These women have been here all day, and believe it or not, they’ve already have complete makeovers.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa. Aidy, Cecily and Kate look untidy.]

We have the before pictures but the network won’t allow us to show them [Cut to Dadonk] because they’re the visual equivalent of the F word.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa]

[singing] Look in her eyes, there’s nothing inside
it’s Miss Trash 2015

[Cut to Dadonk]

Dadonk: Alright, it’s time for the question and answer round. Miss Trash California, you’re up first.

[Cecily walks in. She is dancing.]

Your question is, what is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your life?

Cecily: Okay, that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. Just today, my gynecologist told me I was accepted to UTI. And I’m so excited, my crotches are on fire!

[Cecily leaves]

Dadonk: That’s wonderful. Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: What?

Dadonk: Your question is, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Aidy: Um, I guess if that’s your thing, coo-coo-coo. But for me, marriage is all about putting that paintus into puti. Final answer.

[Aidy leaves]

Dadonk: Stunning. Miss Trash Vermont.

[Venessa walks in]

Your question, what is your one regret?

Venessa: Um, I guess I mostly regret ever making eye contact with Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Yeah! You’re my mommy now!

[Aidy pulls Venessa away]

Dadonk: And finally Miss Trash New York.

[Kate walks in]

What is the one piece of advice that you would give to young girls?

Kate: I would tell them just believe in yourselves. That’s why I got this tattoo. [Kate shows her tattoo. It says ‘BUTT’.] It says ‘believe’ in Chinese.

Dadonk: It says ‘BUTT’ in english.

Kate: Thank you.

[Kate leaves]

Dadonk: What an incredible group. It’s time for a commercial break now, but when we come back, we will finally crown Miss Trash 2015. As always, winner will be sent to the hospital and runners-up will be sent to prison.

[the contestants walk behind Dadonk]

[singing] Who will be first?
the best of the worst
it’s Miss Trash 2015