Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Microsoft Office Assistant

Kam… J.K. Simmons

Ruth… Aidy Bryant

Help pin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]

Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.

Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam

Kam: What the heck do I click?

Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.

Ruth: The big blue W.

Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.

Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye!

[3 leaves the screen dancing.]

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Yes!

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: How do I turn this guy off?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man!

[MS Word has birthday cake man border now.]

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes!

[All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.]

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!

Ruth: Just let me finish this page.

Kam: What are you reading?

Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.

Kam: Again?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam!

[There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.]

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?

Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Disable Pushy.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.

[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]

Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam!

[Pushy plays a sad music]

Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]

What are you waiting for?

Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude!

[3 starts dancing]

Casablanca

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Rick… J.K. Simmons

Victor… Taran Killam

Ilsa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening. I am Reese De’What. Welcome to Cinema Classics. Tonight, we look at the recently unearthed alternate ending to the 1942 classic ‘Casablanca’, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. Why did they make this alternate ending? I do not know. This is not why I am here. If I were to guess, I would say that the director’s girlfriend said, “Hey, let’s try one my way.” But, I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. This morning, she asked me to guess what she wanted for her birthday. And I said, “I don’t know. Some common sense and a bra that doesn’t cut your back?” Worst post sex discussion ever. Let’s look at this alternate ending now where Rick risks everything to get Ilsa safely out of Casablanca and away from the Nazis. Here we go.

[Cut to the alternate ending. Two men and one woman are walking.]

Rick: Here you go, Louis. These are the exit visas. And if you don’t mind, why don’t you fill in the names. That will make it seem more official.

Victor: Certainly, Rick, you think of everything, don’t you?

Rick: And the names are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laslo.

[Victor walks away]

[Cut to Ilsa]

Ilsa: But, why my name, Richard?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa. Rick holds Ilsa’s hands.]

Rick: Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa: I don’t understand, Richard. What about you?

Rick: I’m going to stay here with him until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa: Oh, no Richard, no! No, Richard! No, no, no! No, Richard! Last night you said we’d be together forever.

Rick: Last night, we said a great many things. And it all boils down to this. You’re getting on that plane where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, Richard, no, no! Please, not without you. No, no. I’d face any danger to be with you.

Rick: Listen to me.

Ilsa: No!

Rick: You know what waits for you if you stay here? 9 chances out of 10, you’ll wind up in a concentration camp.

Ilsa: Concentration camp? Urgh! Okay, so, is that the plane? Is it ready for me to get on it?

Rick: Last night you asked me to do the thinking for the both of us. And since then, I’ve done a lot of it. You’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, I know. Thank you. If you let me go, I’ll do it. I’ll get right on it.

Rick: Listen to me now, if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll live to regret it.

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: Wow, you give me a lot to think about when I’m on that plane. Regrets, concentration camp, it’s a lot. [Asking people around] Do you think it’s refueled yet? Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Victor]

Victor: Come again?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa]

Ilsa: I said is the plane full, you fool! Do you need help? Is there a hole or something that I can help with?

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. Look at me. Stop looking at the plane.

Ilsa: No, I know. I’m listening. I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me. Then next thing you know, I’m sitting in a CC. That’s short for concentration camp. Is that something anyone says?

Rick: Well, don’t think about that.

Ilsa: Well, you put it in my head and now all I can see is me behind bar while having to pick a child shoe.

Rick: Well, that’s not going to happen. You don’t have a child.

Ilsa: Oh, I know, Richard. But they might make me choose for somebody else. Nazis are weird like that.

Rick: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re stalling so you don’t have to get on that plane and leave me.

Ilsa: You tell yourself whatever you need to. I’ll wave at you through one of the little windows. It’ll be our thing. Okay.

[Ilsa tries to leave]

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Oh, Paris. Paris is the best. Such a cool place. Oh, look! The staircase just popped out of the plane and that’s where my little feet need to go.

Rick: I’ve got a job to do.

Ilsa: Yes, you do.

Rick: Where I’m going, you can’t follow.

Ilsa: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.

[Plane engine noise]

Oh, F words! F words! Do you hear that? That’s plane engine noises. Oh, I should go.

Rick: Ilsa.

Ilsa: What?

Rick: I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take too much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy love.

Ilsa: Oh, beans are crazy. Crazy beans.

Rick: Some day you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick! [takes a deep breath] Bye!

[Ilsa leaves]

Career Day

Mrs. Riley… Leslie Jones

Teacher… Cecily Strong

Mr. Ronion… J.K. Simmons

Jake… Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Fireman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a vet doctor speaking in front of the class in Career day..]

Mrs. Riley: Now, with kittens, it’s usually the cute ones that scratch you.

Teacher: Ah! Thank you Rachel’s mom, [Mrs. Riley goes back] for talking to us about being a veterinarian. [Cut to Teacher] Okay. Career day continues with Jake’s dad.

[Cut to the class. Everybody is clapping.]

Mr. Ronion: Thanks. [walks in front of the class] Hey, buddy!

Jake: Hey, dad!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Hi, I’m Mr. Ronion. And I am a Japanese messy boy. I know, what is that? Well, there is a small group of rich powerful Japanese women enjoy watching muscular older American men eat messy food in a sloppy almost childlike way. And I do that for a living.

[Cut to the students. Jake has his ears closed.]

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: Um, we usually ask our parents to describe a typical workday. But it’s up to you.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: I’d love to. On appointment days, I am driven to a huge empty mansion and ushered into a changing alcove where I disrobe and put on a pair of little boy’s underpants. I know, get out the giggles. I said ‘underpants’.

[Mr. Ronion opens his briefcase]

I also wear this bib. [Bib that says ‘Lil Missy’.] And this hat. [A little boy hat]

[Cut to everybody]

Here, you guys can pass that around if you like.

[Mr. Ronion hands over the cap to the students.]

I then sit at a three small white table in a very small red plastic chair and eat a meal while the wealthy Japanese woman watches and silently judges me.

[Cut to Kyle raising his hand]

Kyle: What kind of food do you eat?

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: No, you know what? We don’t need to take up any more Mr. Ronion’s time.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: No! Not a problem. Well, the food changes but it’s always sloppy. Overstuffed meatball sammies, beeforoni, a large hamburger that’s difficult to manage.

[Cut to Sasheer raising her hand]

Sasheer: Do you get a napkin?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Oh, I wish! No, no, no. Japanese messy boys are forbidden from using napkins. After I finish the meal, the woman stands and says “Kono Americahito moto kau”, which translates roughly as, “The American boy eats in the manner of a pig.” She then storms out and an assistant hands me $45,000 in cash. Any questions?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody including students and parents are raising their hands.]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I forgot to ask Mrs. Riley. What’s the hardest part about being a vet?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Mean dogs. [turns to Mr. Ronion] Man, how the hell did you get a job like that?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Well, I was approached leaving my tennis club. A Japanese man in a suit was waiting in my car with a wooden box with a cocoon inside. And he said, “Careful this”, and split. Three weeks later, when the butterfly finally came out, hand to god, there was a piece of parchment attached to it’s freaking leg with an address on it. Jakie was there. You remember the butterfly, buddy?

[Cut to Jake being embarrassed]

Jake: Yap!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: He’s embarrassed. So cute.

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: And, um, any more questions?

[Cut to everybody. One of the parents is raising his hand.]

Fireman: Hey, man. I don’t have a question but you get paid to eat like a pig. I mean, you’re my hero. And that’s coming from a fireman.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion nodding his head. His phone rings.]

Mr. Ronion: Oh! Getting a call on my work phone. Hey, do you guys wanna hear it?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Oh, please put that on speaker. Please.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion. He puts the phone on speaker.

Mr. Ronion: Yes, Mr. Nakomoto.

Guy on the phone: We really pick up a messy boy in 10 minutes. Today, barbecue rib. Client expect big mess.

Mr. Ronion: Got it, thank you sir.

[Mr. Ronion hangs up the phone]

Okay, um, [Mr. Ronion takes back his boy hat] well guys, I gotta run. Um, you heard the man. So, I guess if you have any more questions, Jakie can fill you in.

[Cut to Jake looking embarrassed]

Jake: Can’t wait.

Mr. Ronion: Oh, and tell your mom I’ll be eating dinner at work tonight.

Jake: Got it! Got it!

[Cut to everybody]

Fireman: Whoo! Living the dream, messy boy! Yeah! Messy boy!

Wishin’ Boot

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Blake Shelton

[Starts with Kate, Aidy and Blake in their set.]

[music playing]

Kate: Sometimes, stormed cloud seems dark. It feels like there’s no hope.

Aidy: But trust us. There’s something out there, watching over you.

Blake: All you gotta do is believe.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [singing] When I was 16 our farm burned down
daddy took the drinking all over town
I raised my brothers in old motel
went from living in heaven to starving in hell
and then one day I heard a knock at the door
opened it up and saw a boot on the floor

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
the little black boot that makes your dreams come true.
it was the wishin’ boot
I wished for the food
when you’re in need just believe
in the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: When I was young nobody taught me wrong from right
started stealing trucks by day and hooking by night
got nowhere fast in one horse town
shot the Johnny named riddler and they took me down
I was in jail facing 20 to life
till the warden said there’s a visitor who wants to say hi

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
it gave my bail and brought me a new suit
the boot could see
see the good in me
next day by dawn it was gone
it was the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: I was working in barn with my old dog Jake
when the wishin’ boot appeared and I thought, “This is a mistake”
I walked up to the boot say everything’s alright
then the boot pulled out a knife and threatened my life
this was not the wishin’ boot, it was a fake
and suddenly my good old dog began to change in shape

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the real wishin’ boot
the whole dang time that dog had been the boot
Oh, wishin’ boot,
beautiful and true
you’re so much more than a boot
your’e the wishin’ boot

Kate: A wishin’ boot is a boot and it’s there when you need it

Aidy: Don’t ask how it knows what it knows, just take what it gives you

Kate, Aidy and Blake: And never let it to
it’s a wishin’ boot
just believe it is true
it’s hope in the form of little old dirty boot
you’re the wishin’ boot
the boot is you
tell all your friends about the boot

Aidy: About the wishin’ boot.

Blake: About the wishin’ boot.

Kate: About the wishin’ boot.

We’re gonna make so much [bleep] money off this song.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: The Obama administration has released a new rating system to evaluate–

Male voice: Hey! Psst! Hey Che!

Michael Che: –to evaluate colleges that places them in one of three–

Male voice: Ayo! Che! Yo, you almost done, kid?

Michael Che: [looking around] Are you serious right now?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Yo, what’s going on, man?

Michael Che: Yo!

Riblet: Come on, man! I’m double port! Let’s go!

Michael Che: Yo, what are you doing?

Riblet: Yo, are we live right now? Yo! Introduce me, kid!

Michael Che: I’m sorry, everyone. This is my friend from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet, baby. 2015!

Michael Che: No, Riblet. What are you dong here, man? I’m kind of busy.

Riblet: Oh. So, what? So, you busy now? So what? You a Hollywood now, Che? What’s going on man?

Michael Che: I’m not Hollywood. I’m just trying to work hard.

Riblet: Oh, what? Oh, because I work at Friendly’s that means I don’t work hord?

Michael Che: Yes, because you work at Friendly’s, you don’t word hord!

Riblet: Come on, man! This job ain’t that hord! Come on, man! You got it all written down on big old pieces of papers. Your job is reading, man! I’ve been doing that since I was 15. Man, this mess is easy. Yo, check it.

[Cut to Riblet replacing Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map at right top corner.]

Um, new report lists the unhealthiest state in the country as Mississippi. But only because Arkansas died of a heart-attack.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Ooh-ooh! Whee! Now make me a fribble. Oh, what’s that? Oh, you don’t know how to make a Friendly’s fribble? Oh, that’s weird because Riblet could do both jorbs!

Michael Che: Alright, Riblet. That was pretty good. I’ll admit. But, there’s a lot more to this job, man! Just go wait in the car, dude!

Riblet: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, so now you scared that if Riblet stick around, Riblet might take your jorb?

Michael Che: Riblet, you cannot take my jorb.

Riblet: Oh, yeah? Well, this just in fools.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a city and Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Amazon has launched a one hour delivery service in New York city. “Faster!” said people who ordered toilet papers.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Prrrrt! Stick up! Prrrt! Prrrt! Stick up. Pow-pow-pow-pow! Now make me a Friendly Frank. Oh, what’s that? You did not know that a Friendly Frank is just a hotdog with butter on it? Oh, I guess you don’t work as hord!

Michael Che: I’m just saying there’s other things to consider if you wanna do this job, okay? There’s other things that we got to think about.

Riblet: Prfft! I thought of all of it. Yo, Dan, roll that clip homey!

[Cut to Weekend Update intro that features Colin Jost and Riblet.]

[Cut to Riblet.]

Wad up? I’m Riblet. And here are tonight’s tippy-top stories.

[There is a picture of Department of Labor logo at right top corner.]

The labor department announced that last month employers added more than 250,000 jobs. But it looks like [Picture changes to Michael Che] this fool just lost his.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

[Riblet stands up, grabs the mic and then drops the mic on the table.]

[cheers and applause]

You changed, B!

Michael Che: My friend from high schook, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Riblet for the President. Woo-hoo!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Cyber Security and Gay Porn

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that he most commonly used passwords last year were ‘123456’ and ‘password’. Here to teach us all about the importance of strong cyber security is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up? How are you?

Pete Davidson: The importance of strong cyber security, it can’t be overstated. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean it can prevent a lot of common problems like identity theft, or your girlfriend logging into your computer and finding a bunch of gay porn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, is that a common problem?

Pete Davidson: Alright, let me explain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] One night, I was really high… like most nights. And I was watching ‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’. And I just couldn’t stop looking at how attractive and beautiful Leonardo DeCaprio was. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I mean like, he was always hot but now he’s like a golden statue version of Leonardo DeCaprio. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And I don’t think I would do it. But like, if he asks me, I might. Like, out of respect. So, you know, he’s the man. It’s Leo.

So, this made me think that I might be gay. So, this set off my anxiety and because if I turned out to be gay, I’d be really bad at it. You know, I mean look at me. I’m like the complete opposite of gay. I don’t mean straight. I mean gross! You’ve seen gay people, they’re beautiful. I might be like a straight 5 but I’m a gay 1.

[Cut to Pete Davidson to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, man! I don’t think it’d be that bad for you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s easy for you to say. You’re like a straight 8 and a gay 10.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: No, no.

Pete Davidson: He’s a gay 10. You’re beautiful.

Colin Jost: Don’t!

Pete Davidson: So, I needed to find out if I was gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So, my best thinking told me, why don’t I just watch a bunch of gay porn and see if I like it.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was your best thinking?

Pete Davidson: It was really good weed. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So first, I watched a little film called ‘Stud Horse 4’, and I didn’t like it… until I started to think maybe I didn’t like it because I haven’t watched Stud Horses 1, 2, 3. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] So, I watched the whole series and didn’t like it either. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And then I thought maybe this is just the wrong franchise for me. So, I watched all the big gay porn franchises like Jack Hammer Jose, Frat Boy Orgy, The Expendables. But I didn’t like any of them. So, I settled to question that I’m not gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And everything was fine until a few days later my girlfriend decided to use my computer and look up Gmail, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] which starts with a ‘G’ and then a bunch of gay porn popped up. And then, my defense was, “Oh no! I’m just watching to make sure I’m not gay.” And she was like, “What?” And I was like, “No, I think you heard me wrong. I’m saying I was having doubts about my sexuality so I watched a bunch of gay porn for you.” And now I’m here.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Did you just write this Update so your girlfriend wouldn’t think you were gay?

Pete Davidson: [smiling] Pete Davidson, everybody!

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Nicole

Michael Che

Nicole… Sasheer Zamata

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, President Obama proposed the series of new measures to help the middle class get ahead. Here with her own tips on how to get your personal finances in order is Nicole, my ex girlfriend.

[Michael Che slides in]

Nicole: It’s a new year and if your personal finances aren’t where you want them, it’s a great time to start fresh and make changes.

Michael Che: Oh, what kind of changes, Nicole?

Nicole: Well, after our breakup, I joined a gym and I started journaling again and I feel like I’m really taking–

Michael Che: Nicole, I don’t really care about all of that. I mean…

Nicole: [angry voice] Wooooow!

Michael Che: Wait! That came out wrong.

Nicole: No, no, no, no! You’re right. Coz, why would you all of a sudden care about me?

[Michael Che sits quietly.]

Anyway, [Cut to Nicole] the first step is separating your assets from your liabilities because holding on to a bad investment for too long will do nothing but bring you down, [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] Michael.

Michael Che: Nicole, are you serious right now?

Nicole: Number two, [Cut to Nicole] don’t wait too long to start saving for your future because that’s too little too late. Sort of like, bringing someone flowers a week after their birthday.

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Nicole, you liked flowers, first of all.

Nicole: Not from Walgreens. And they were still in the bag with a Red Bull and a Tinactin.

Number three, [Cut to Nicole] [yelling at Michael] when we were at Cancun, I asked you if you were seeing somebody. [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] I asked if you were wasting my time. And you lied to my face.

Michael Che: There was nobody else. Ask Colin.

[Cut to Colin, Michael Che and Nicole. Nicole and Michael Che look at Colin]

[Colin slowly slides away.]

Colin? Thanks dude!

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Nicole: Then why did I see you on Tinder?

Michael Che: Well, why were you on Tinder?

Nicole: To see if you were on Tinder.

Michael Che: [laughing] Can we just move along?

Nicole: Oh, I have moved a lot. I have a new man and I have never been happier.

Michael Che: Good. Great.

Nicole: Okay. Now, if you are settled with credit card debt, you need to–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] Who?

Nicole: Who what?

Michael Che: I mean you said you’re seeing somebody. Who?

Nicole: [ignoring Michael Che] As I was saying–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] I mean, I just think it’s weird that you’re already seeing someone and we just broke up. I mean, was it some kind of rebound thing?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Uh, no. It’s kind of Riblet thing. Okay?

[Riblet puts his hand on Nicole’s shoulder.]

[Cut to Nicole and Riblet]

Um, this just did, Che. I got your jorb. I got your girl. And I got another mic.

[Riblet drops the mic on the table]

[Cut to Michael Che, Nicole and Riblet]

Michael Che: Who keeps giving him mics? Nicole and Riblet, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Michael Che: Where were you, man?

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of USA map and bed bugs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to an annual ranking by Orkin Pest Control, the places in America with the worst bed bug problems Chicago, Detroit and your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of replay sign at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The inventor of the instant replay died this week at the age of 81. Let’s see that again.

[Cut to the instant replay of what Colin just said in slow motion. He then gets hit by a football.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ireland flag and LGBTQ rainbow colors at left top corner.]

Ireland’s minister of health this week announced that he is gay. Becoming the first openly gay government figure in Irish history. Of course in Ireland, gay just means you have less than eight kids.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cake being decorated at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of a bakery was sued after she refused the customers request to write “God hates homosexuality” on a cake. “Alright, then change it to ‘I’m running for President'” said Rick Santorum. [Picture changes to Rick Santorum.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnny Depp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Johnny Depp this week criticized actors who become musicians saying the whole idea makes him sick. Depp believes that only other thing an actor should become is [Picture changes to Johnny Depp’s picture where he is wearing a lot of scarfs] a french scarf monster.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with 1. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: It was announced that Pope Francis will visit New York city in September and hold a mass in Madison Square Garden. Because the pope always tries to go where [Picture changes to New York Knicks logo] people are suffering the most.

[Cut to 2. there’s a picture of Saudi Arabia flag at right top corner.[

Speaker 2: King Abdul of Saudi Arabia died this week at the age of 90 after he was run over by a terrible woman driver.

[Picture changes to Nicholas Cage and Osama Bin Laden.]

Riblet everybody!

It was announced this week that Nicholas Cage will star in a movie about irregular guy who goes on a hunt for Osama Bin Laden. It’s called, “The Nicholas Cage Story.”

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of calendar marking January twentyfirst at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: This Wednesday was National Hug Day. Dad?

[Picture changes to doctor’s apron and stethoscope.]

A teenage in Florida has been caught posing as a gynecologist for over a month. Patients became suspicious when he began every appointment by asking, “Where is it?”

[Cut to 2. There is a picture of handcuffed hands at top right corner.]

Speaker 2: a New Hampshire man was arrested for child endangerment after he left his twin nine year old nephews home alone for days at a time. Said the twin, “We used to be triplets.”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

This week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union address and showed us what it looks like when a patriot comes to play with fully inflated balls.

[Picture changes the Obama’s speech]

After republicans during the State of the Union applauded when President Obama said he had no more campaigns run, Obama responded saying, “I know, because I won both of them.” Obama’s comeback was so good, that it literally burned [Picture changes to John Banner who is very red.] John Banner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a football at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NFL is investigating claims that the New England Patriots deflated game balls before the AFC championship win. Man, that Bill Belichick [Picture changes to Bill Belichick wearing hoodie with no sleeves.] always has a trick of his no sleeves.

The Patriots of course denied the cheating accusations saying the only deflated balls they have are because of steroids. Not cheating.

[Picture changes to

The secret service reported that shots were fired from a car’s speeding pass Vice-President Joe Biden’s Delaware home. So far, police hhave only one suspect.

[Picture changes to a paper with “Hillary 2016” written on it.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of Benjamin Netanyahu]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that the Obama administration is extremely upset that Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu plans to ask congress for addition sanctions against Iran. Saying that he will “Pay a price”, which brings the number of countries that have threatened Israel up to an even… [Picture changes to world map] all of them.