Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

The Magician’s Heckler

Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a magic show. There are Magician, Kenan and Blake on the stage.]

Magician: No, sir. If you’ll kindly place your card back into the deck just like that. Don’t let me see. Give it a shuffle. And what I want you to do is tap the top card. Sir, is this your card? [Magician shows the card]

Kenan: Oh, my god! That is.

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is laughing but Blake]

Blake: Not real!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: And you, ma’am? Do you still have the card I gave you and have you put in your pocket.

[Aidy looks for a card in her pockets]

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Fake. It’s just a trick.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, it’s not in my pocket.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You messed up the trick. I told you it was fake.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Oh, I see. I see. No, it is not in your pocket because it’s now in his.

[Kenan puts his hand in his pocket.]

Kenan: Oh, my! It’s right here.

[Everybody clapping]

That’s amazing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Give a hand to my two volunteers, please. [Kenan and Aidy leave the stage] Now, um, for my next trick–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Sir, can I ask you a question.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Um, I’m kind of in the middle of the show. But sure, what is it?

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: How in the hell did you do that?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Well, a magician never reveals his secrets.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, come on, man! We’re both adults.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Alright, you’re right. I’ll tell you. It was magic.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Real magic?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: That’s right. Now for my next trick, I’m gonna need several–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Make me rich.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: I’m sorry, what?

[Blake walks to the stage]

Oh, um, sir.

Blake: Use your powers and make me rich.

Magician: I can’t do that sir.

Blake: You can’t or you won’t?

Magician: Ha-ha-ha. Sir, if you’ll just have a seat.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Alright, this next trick, I’m gonna need two volunteers. How about you two? Come on, step up here. Sir, please if you’ll just step to the side.

[Beck and Kate walk to the stage to volunteer]

Great! Wow! That is a beautiful watch, my friend.

Beck: Oh, thank you. It’s an anniversary gift.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake ]Okay, now, um, [Magician gets a hat] what I need you to do is go ahead and place the watch inside this hat please.

[Beck puts his watch inside the hat]

Blake: Give me the power to know what women are thinking.

Magician: What? Now, I’m gonna–

Blake: So I can know what to say to them to get their tops off.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Please, sir. Go ahead. Hold this hat for me.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, the funny thing about time ladies and gentlemen, is that it flies.

[Magician mimics as he caught something. The he shows that the watch Beck had put in the hat is now in his wrist.]

[Magician opens the watch and gives it back to Beck]

Blake: Oh, my god! Make me rich, man!

Magician: Oh, come on dude! Now, ma’am, what I want you to do is go ahead and pick a card. [Magician places a deck of card in front of Kate]

Kate: Okay.

Blake: I wanna be able to slam dunk.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah, now I want you to write your address on the back of the card. Do not let me see.

Blake: Give me indestructible bones. Wolverine claws.

Magician: Buddy! Go ahead, place the card back in the deck.

Blake: I wanna be a black guy just for one day.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, you can all see that I am shuffling the cards.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] And, sir, what I want you to do is choose a second card.

Blake: Gun for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, don’t show it to me.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Well, go ahead. Obviously, look at it yourself.

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: And now show everybody else. [Beck is showing the card to the audience except Magician]

Blake: I want chicken nuggets with ranch.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Dude, he’s not a waiter. He’s not gonna get you chicken nuggets.

[Cut to the stage]

Blake: Activate guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah! You know what, guys! Let’s talk about this. Sir, [cut to Magician and Blake] okay, I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: Alright, I’m not gonna make you rich, okay?

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: Look, sir, I’m just trying to put on a show, make a couple of bucks.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: How are you not getting this? Please, I’m betting you. This is just a show.

Blake: Sir, I’m sorry. You’re right. Please continue.

[Cut to the stage]

Magician: Thank you. Finall, ha-ha-ha. Now, sir, [talking to Beck] have you memorized your card?

Beck: Yes.

Magician: Go ahead and place that card inside the hat.

Blake: Give me the power to go down on myself.

Magician: Alright, you want that? Fine! You have it! You have the power to go down on yourself. Congratulations.

Blake: You will not regret this! Yes! Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Blake goes to the backstage behind the curtains]

Magician: Um, ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. This has never happened before.

[Blake is making noise behind the curtains]

Blake: Activate going down on myself!

[Blake comes back to the stage]

It didn’t work, man! I did get a little bit closer, but not all the way. Could you just use a little bit more magic? I do believe in magic.

Magician: Alright.
Blake: I do.

Magician: Okay.

Blake: I do believe.

Magician: Magic isn’t real.

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I knew it! He’s a fake! I told you guys. Man, you guys are idiots. Ha-ha. He’s a fake!

[Blake leaves the stage]

Magician: I’m just joking ladies and gentlemen. Magic obviously is [he has a card in his palm. He tries to make it disappear but everybody could see the card thrown back.] very real.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Power to go down on myself!

[cheers and applause]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.]

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium]

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing]

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out]

[Cut to the media looking shocked]

[Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set]

[cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Parole Board

Blake Shelton

Wallace Redding… Kenan Thompson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of a room in prison. Parole board is asking questions to Wallace Redding.]

Blake: Our next prisoner is Wallace Redding. Mr. Redding, we see by your file you’ve served 40 years of a life sentence.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: That’s right, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Blake: Let me ask you, do you feel you have been rehabilitated?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Rehabilitated? Hah! That’s a funny question. I don’t believe I know the meaning of that word. Is the man who walked into this prison 40 years ago the same man you see before you? Absolutely not. Am I a saint? No. Just a man. A man who paid his debt to society. But no matter what your decision is today. I’ll accept it. For I know in the eyes of the lord, I am a free man. Free from cell, I humbly await your answer.

[Cut to Blake, Bobby and Cecily]

Blake: No, hell no! You ate a man.

Cecily: You’re the Texas man gobbler. We’d be insane if we let you out.

Bobby: Yeah, you are never getting out of here.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: If there were no cameras in this room, I would kill you myself you sick son of a bitch.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The answer is no.

Bobby: A fat no.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, I don’t expect you to come up with an answer right now. But for any of you folks who are on the fence, I have taken a hard look at my life. The things I’ve done. The things I–

Bobby: Shut up!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

No one is on the fence. You just ate a guy in prison last week. A new guy.

Cecily: You ate a whole guy, man! All that was left was just empty clothes and his hair. That’s like a magic trick.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: This is a decision of whether or not you get the chair. And you do. You absolutely do.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: I know you have a lot to discuss. The truth gets hazy inside the bin. Did I eat those people? Yes, I did. Did I enjoy it? Immensely. Would I do it again? Point me towards a homeless shelter. So whether you set me free or not, or whether I stay in here, either way I’m going to eat another man. Now, I can’t make your decision for you.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You don’t need to. It’s been made. You’re never getting out.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Do you honestly feel no remorse for what you’ve done?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Of course I do. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, but for what I was. A young stupid kid who committed that horrible crime. I wanna find that kid, talk to him. Try to talk sense into him. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Grab him by the neck, bite him. Take a little nibble out of his arm and nibble out of that corner of of the cob, nom-nom-nom-nom.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying you want to eat your younger self?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Does that make me rehabilitated? Yes, it does. I suppose you’re right. I’ll be on my way.

[Wallace tries to walk out of it]

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: No, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, before you answer, let me just say one thing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: We already answered. No, dude!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Now, whether I walk out of this prison a free man or not.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Not! Not! You’re not walking out of here.

Bobby: Yes, at this point you should only be thinking about what you want for your last meal.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: A man.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Sorry?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: For my last meal. One man please.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Two boys?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Okay, fine! One boy.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Fine. Shake shack.

[Cut to the ending clip of sea beach]

Wallace narrating: That was he day I escaped from prison and I met up with my good friend Andy in Zihuatanejo. We watched the sunset, had a couple of beers, and when he was good and drunk, I ate him.

My Darlin’ Joan

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Russle Shey… Taran Killam

Tyler Coldwin… Blake Shelton

[Starts with Topeka Today video bumper]

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby in their set.]

Sasheer: Welcome back. It’s not everyday day a 97 year old becomes a world famous song writer.

Bobby: But that’s exactly what happened to our next guest. When his wife of 70 years passed away last spring, [Cut to old black and white picture of a couple in a car] Russle Shey decided to pay tribute to her in song. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] He teamed up with a local musician and now he’s got America listening with over 2 million YouTube hits.

Sasheer: We’ve got Russle in the studio with us now. [Cut to Russle] And, aren’t you a sweetheart?

Russle: [laughing] Thank you.

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Now, Russle. How did you and your wife Joan meet?

[Cut to Russle]

Russle: Well, when I came home from the war, I’d go to the library everyday. One day I walked in and there was the most beautiful library I ever saw. And that was my Joan.

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: Aw, that’s beautiful. Also, here is Tyler Coldwin [Cut to Tyler] who has helped set Russle’s song to music. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] The song is ‘My Darling Joan.’ Please take it away.

[Cut to everybody. Tyler is playing guitar.]

[Joan and Russle’s young pictures appears at the backdrop of the stage.]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I won’t forget your sweet and tender smile
My darling Joan
you never fail to light up a room
My darling Joan
I’ll always treasure the day we met
I’ll treasure, I’ll treasure
I’ll treasure, oh, that memorable day

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: Beautiful.

[Cut to Tyler playing guitar.]

Tyler: There’s more.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] My darling Joan
you were not perfect but sure were mine
My darling Joan
you could silence a room with your nasty remarks

[Sasheer and Bobby look confused]

My darling Joan
your hatred of animals rattles my core
My darling Joan
you even yelled at me in your sleep
your body, your body
your body, it was just okay

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: I’d just like everyone to know that this is our first time hearing this song.

[Cut to everybody]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I’d hide in the closet and read my bible for strength
My darling Joan
our dinners were silent and we never had sex
My darling Joan
the only thing you loved were your expensive hats
My darling Joan
your favorite hobby was making me cry
you monster, you monster
I wish I killed you but you choked on some corn

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: So, why did you agree to help him with this?

[Cut to Russle and Tyler]

Tyler: Look, Russle’s a good guy. Plus, he’s my landlord. So, I kind of had to.

[Cut to everybody]

[The pictures of Joan at the backdrop are all made funny with pen. Russle has made horns and mustache on her.]

[singing] My darling Joan
do they let you use your humidifier in hell?
My darling Joan
does the devil let you curse him in front of his friends?

[Russle starts singing with Tyler]

Russle and Tyler: I hate you, I hate you
I hate you, now I’ll dance on your grave.
You’re in the ground
I’m alive and bugs are eating your head

Bobby: Okay! Okay! Alright! Thank you Tyler and Russle.

Russle: No, there’s three more verses.

Bobby: Nope. Going to commercial. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Topeka Today video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

Monologue Blake Shelton Recreates Hee Haw

Blake Shelton

Cook with a jug… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Blake Shelton.

[Blake Shelton walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Blake Shelton: Thank you! Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. I am Blake Shelton. And yes, officer, I have been drinking. Now, for those of you who don’t know my work, I’m kind of like the Justin Bieber of country music. A little trouble making cutie.

I gotta say I do feel little bit like a fish out of water up here in New York city because, man, everything is so fancy. When I was growing up, the only comedy show I watched was Hee-Haw. And Hee-Haw was a variety show that was kind of like laughing meets deliverance. It was a little bit corny [country music starts playing] but I just loved it. [people wearing country dresses come behind him and someone hands him over the guitar.] And I thought, what a childhood. Oh, this is better already. We have a cook with a jug.

[Cook with a jug runs in]

Cook with a jug: I call this My Giggle Juice.

Blake Shelton: Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna do some old fashioned picking and grinning. All you gotta do is just play a little music and tell a little joke like this. Come on! Hee-Haw!

[country music playing]

[music stops]

Hey Taran!

Taran: Yeah, Blake.

Blake Shelton: I got food poisoning the other night.

Taran: Oh, no! What was wrong with the food?

Blake Shelton: My wife made it!

Taran: [laughing] That’s fun!

Blake Shelton: That’s Hee-Haw. That’s Hee-Haw. Come on, man! Here we go.

[country music playing. Taran walks away and Jay walks near Blake Shelton]

[music stops]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Jay. Did you hear about that big old fish I caught?

Jay: Yeah! Well, don’t give it to your wife. I hear her cooking sucks!

[Blake Shelton is confused and looks at Jay.]

Blake Shelton: Don’t say that about my wife, man!

[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]

Leslie: May I be excused?

[Cut to Jay and Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: No, man! Hey, old Cook! Come down here. Let’s show them how it’s done. Come on, man. Here we go!

[country music playing. Jay walks away and Cook walks near Blake Shelton]

[music stops]

Cook: I had to take my sister out the other night.

Blake Shelton: Oh, what for?

Cook: Our anniversary.

Blake Shelton: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]

Leslie: I do not like this!

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Cook]

Blake Shelton: You know what? Too bad!

[country music playing. Cook walks away and Pete walks near Blake Shelton]

[music stops]

Blake Shelton: So, Pete. I was at the saloon the other day.

Pete: Yeah, I know. While you were there I had sex with your sister.

[Blake Shelton looks confused.]

Blake Shelton: Dude, this isn’t a roast.

Pete: That’s what I said to your wife when she tried to make me dinner.

Blake Shelton: Come on, man! Nice country jokes. Come on, man! Come on!

[country music playing. Pete walks away and Cecily walks near Blake Shelton]

[music stops]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Cecily.

Cecily: Uh-huh?

Blake Shelton: My grandpa got his test results back.

Cecily: Oh, is he okay?

Blake Shelton: He’s great! He finally passed second grade!

[Blake Shelton and Cecily laugh]

[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]

Leslie: This is wrong!

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Cecily]

Blake Shelton: You know what? You freaking guys! [Cut to everybody] Just forget it man! Maybe this was a bad idea.

Taran: No, Blake. Blake, no! We wanna get it right. We got it! Give us one more chance. Nice country jokes.

Blake Shelton: Seriously?

Taran: Yeah!

Blake Shelton: Okay. Alright! Well, here it goes.

[Taran and Venessa sit by Blake Shelton’s side.]

Taran: Hey, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Yeah, Taran.

Taran: So, you know how Blake’s grand father is an idiot, right?

[Blake Shelton is getting angry]

Vanessa: Oh, yeah! The dummest.

Taran: So, the other day I was having sex with Blake’s sister.

Vanessa: Who hasn’t?

[Cut to Cecily and Leslie. Leslie is laughing hard.]

Leslie: Okay. Now, that’s funny! You are hilarious, Blake.

[Cut to Taran, Blake Shelton and Vanessa]

Blake Shelton: What? We did it! We made Leslie laugh! She’s laughing!

[country music playing. Everyone stands.]

[music stops]

Blake Shelton: Woo! We got a great show tonight, everybody. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Farm Hunk

Ryan Coles… Blake shelton

Alissa… Cecily Strong

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Farm Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunky farmer, 25 beautiful ladies. Who will he take home to Iowa to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Farm Hunk.

[Cut to Ryan Coles]

Ryan Coles: There’s so many beautiful girls here, but tonight I have to send three of them home. Probably the 2 black girls plus one with the curly hair one. So, tonight I’m gonna spend some one on one time with each of them to help make my decision.

[Cut to Ryan Coles and Alissa sitting on a bench at park.]

Alissa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too.

Alissa: Just us, you know?

Ryan Coles: I do know. So, Alyssa, tell me about yourself. I mean, who is Alyssa?

Alissa: Oh, okay. Well, I live in Hollywood. I’m a pediatric nurse. I’ve also done some light porn.

Ryan Coles: Hmm. I love kids. And I’m horny. So, if we get married, would you be willing to move to Iowa?

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: My town is really ugly and stinky and far away from things.

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: And there’s no one there of your age to be friends with. It’s only old men.

Alissa: As long as you’re there.

Ryan Coles: I won’t be, for long stretches of time.

Alissa: I’d love that.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Alissa: Um, okay.

[Alissa leaves and Venessa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Bye!

Venessa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Venessa: Well, I’m from Hollywood. I’m a second grade teacher… in my pornos. And in real life, I’m a third grade teacher.

Ryan Coles: In Iowa, you can’t teach. There’s no schools in my town.

Venessa: I’d love that.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Venessa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Kate: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So,

tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m from Hollywood. And I’m a veteran … of the porn industry. I’ve served my country for like 200 times. I have a gift for you because I heard that you like Italian food.

Ryan Coles: I do, it’s really good.

Kate: [laughs] It’s funny! So, I brought you some spaghetti. Here. [Kate has spaghetti all over her hand. She puts the spaghetti on Ryan Coles’s palms.]

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a second please?

Kate: Yeah, sure.

Sasheer: Thank you.

[Kate leaves and Sasheer sits with Ryan Coles.]

I know we haven’t had a chance to talk yet, but when I die, I wanna be buried next to you.

Ryan Coles: Well, if I pick you, you’d have to move to Iowa. Would you be cool with never seeing another black person again?

Sasheer: I’d love that.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a second?

Sasheer: Sure.

[Sasheer leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

Ashley: Hi. Gosh, I’m glad we’re finally getting some sexy alone time coz I’m ready to– [crying] I’m sorry. My dad is dead. He died 10 years ago and I really miss him. Like, I’m not good. I’m really, really bad.

[Alissa walks in]

Alissa: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

Ashley: Yeah!

[Ashley leaves and Alissa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Alissa: I just want to say that I’m really falling for you. And, I don’t like a lot of people. I don’t like Mexicans. I don’t like Chinese. But I like you.

Ryan Coles: I feel the same way.

Alissa: I guess we’re soulmates.

[Kate walks in with a parrot.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Alissa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

I heard you like animals. So, I brought you a alive macaw. It’s like me. Unpredictable in a bad way.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

I’m Saryan. I wrote you a rap.

[rapping] My name is Ashley and I’m only fun

my n–

[crying] I’m sorry. My brain is sick. You’re gonna have to give me medicine everyday. And it has to be in cheese or I spit it out. Please pick me.

[Kate walks in with welding machine.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Ashley leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Um, I heard that you like welding. So, I thought maybe we could weld some metal together.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

So, tell me about you. Like, what kind of farmer are you? Do you make grass? Or do you like, make beans? Or– [crying] I’m sorry. I was kidnapped when I was little. It happened on the same day. Just because she did baby beauty pageants and I did baby weight lifting, nobody cared!

Ryan Coles: Okay, listen to me. I love how real you’re being right now. And I think I– I know that I’ve talked to everyone and I’ve made my decision.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Leslie pulls and throws Ashley away] Can I talk to him for a second?

You did not talk to me. I’m not going home tonight. It’s week 2, that’s when I go. I get that. But listen, if you ever in New York, give me a call and I’ll shuck your corn all night long.

Ryan Coles: Can I get your cell number?

Leslie: Just google Leslie Jones, SNL. It will all come up.

[cheers and applause]

Celebrity Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Adam Levine… Taran Killam

Pharell Williams… Jay Pharoan

Christina Aguilera… Cecily Strong

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

Nicki Minaj… Sasheer Zamata

Harry Connick Jr. … Beck Bennett

Steven Tyler… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the game stage of Family Feud]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud Celebrity Edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? It’s the first suit made by Hennessy. Yeah, they used to make fine cognacs. But thought that they give clothing a try. Yeah, it’s got a little pocket for a little 5 ouncer.

Okay, today we got celebrities from [Cut to the judges of The Voice] The Voice, taking on the team from [Cut to the judges of American Idol] American Idol.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

And leader of The Voice team is metrosexual lumberjack Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now, Blake, America knows you as a coach on The Voice. You ever tried singing yourself?

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Yes, Steve. I’ve sold like, 7 million Amazon on the radio all the time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Not in my neighborhood. Okay, next to Blake from the band Mark Maroon-5 is sexy, smothering, soprano scare crow, Adam Levine.

[Cut to Adam Levine]

Adam Levine: Hey! How you doing, Steve? Hope you check out my new album and my proactive commercial.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I would check out both, but I already went through puberty. And we also got fashion icon, Pharell. You looking good, playa!

[Cut to Pharell Williams]

Pharell Williams: Well, thank you. I got this hat from Smokey the Bear. All of you can prevent force fire, huh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I like you. any man who starts his day dressing from his hat down is okay with me. Then we got pop diva, Christina Alelera.

[Cut to Christina Aguilera]

Christina Aguilera: Hello, Steve. It’s an honor for this proud Latino woman.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Latino? Girl you Latino the same way Tacobell is Mexican food. And here in the American Idol team with a voice from god and hair from Jennifer Aniston, is a country singer, Keith Urban.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Steve, it’s lovely to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute. You’re Australian? Country music is supposed to be about living in the middle of nowhere and drinking beer, and starting fights. Okay, yeah, that’s Australia. And over here with her body turned up to 11, it’s Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I’m here to have fun, but I came to win!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Um, excuse me. I think this brass doll is possessed. Over here, he is the number one album seller of all time in Starbucks, it’s Harry Connick Jr.

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Thanks, Steve. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I like your music. Makes me feel like I’m in a white barber shop. And finally, one of the world’s greatest lady rockers, Ms. Stevey Knix.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: Come on, man! I’m Steven Tyler! [shouts somethings]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Steven Tyler? I don’t know, player! You look like a dream catcher came to life. Either way, let’s get two players up here.

[Cut to everybody. Blake Shelton and Keith Urban are walking to the buzzers.]

Keith Urban and Blake, look at this. You look like him if he ate one of those Super Mario Brother mushrooms. Blagaga-blgaga-blagaga. Now, how long has American Idol been on?

Keith Urban: About 12 years.

Steve Harvey: And what about The Voice?

Blake Shelton: 4 years, but we’re on our 17th season.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, NBC does run hell lot of that show. I see y’all on TV more than that Mutant-X Boogerman. Hilarious.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Okay, top 5 answers on the board. We asked 100 people. Name something you never ask a woman.

[Blake Shelton presses the buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: What did I do, Maranda?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Trouble just follows you, don’t it? Show me, ‘What did I do wrong?’

[Cut to the show screen. There is ‘What did I do wrong’ in the answers.]

Wow! [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] Man, I can’t believe that’s up there.

Blake Shelton: Well, I say it a lot.

Steve Harvey: Keith Uban?

Keith Urban: Alright.

Steve Harvey: Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Well, something I say all the time is, “Who did your highlights?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Yeah! Yeah, I once got my mustache highlighted. [Cut to Steve Harvey] I looked like a black Captain Crunch.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Let’s see, ‘How did you get the lady hair?’

[Cut to the show board. There is ‘Do you dye your hair?’ in the answers.]

Close enough. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] American Idol, you got the point.

Keith Urban: Alright!

[Steve Harvey and Keith Urban walk to American Idol side.]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I get this all the time. I’m gonna say, “Is it real?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Don’t matter. Real or not, I’m smacking it. Show me, ‘Is it real?’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not on there.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Harry Connick Jr., what do you never ask a woman?

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Steve, there’s nothing that makes a lady hit the road faster that looking her in the eye and say, “Well, you know I’m not Michael Bublé, right?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: I hear you, player. I dated a woman for three years who thought that I was Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. Show me, ‘not who she thought I was.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.] Okay, last chance. Steven Tyler, something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: I’ll tell you what, baby. If you’re talking to a woman, never bring up age.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Her age?

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: No, my age. [screams]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I see that. Show me, ‘too old to get figure.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ah, no!

[Steve Harvey walks to The Voice team]

Okay, The Voice team. You got a chance to steal.

[Cut to The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Who is prettier? You or me?

Pharell Williams: Wanna meet Robin Thicke?

Christina Aguilera: Why do you sound like Ooh-Ooh-Yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Blake, tell me something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Well, one question I see ladies get asked all the time and they really hate it is, ‘Are you Adam Levine?’

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, very good. You got me, Blake.

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Adam Levine]

Blake Shelton: Yeah, I did, pretty boy.

Adam Levine: Pretty? You really think I’m pretty?

Steve Harvey: What’s happening?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: Okay, here we go.

Adam Levine: Really?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Adam Levine: I think you’re very handsome.

[Blake Shelton and Adam Levine go below the table]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, wow! This is happening. That’s happening right now. This has been in the works for about three years. You know what? I’ma let these two work this out while I take a little bit of ‘me time’. [showing the bottle of Hennessy he had in his suit pocket.] Hennessy soup, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

Why’d You Post That

Darnell Pepper… Kevin Hart

Kim… Venessa Bayer

Trisa… Aidy Bryant

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Darnell Pepper in his set for Why’d You Post That?]

[cheers and applause]

Darnell Pepper: Hello, what’s up? I’m Darnell Pepper and welcome to Why’d You Post That? Yeah! This is the show where I find people who are bad on Instagram, bring them out here and yell at them. Please welcome our first guest, Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Hi Darnell.

Darnell Pepper: Hey, thanks for being here.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Kim, do me a favor. I want you to tell me what this photo is and why did you post it?

[There is a blur photo of The Empire State building posted on Instagram on the show screen.]

Kim: Oh, that’s the Empire State building [cut to Kim] and I posted it because I heart New York

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh! Okay, okay. That’s the Empire State building right there? Wow. I’ve never seen that before.

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: Oh, wow, you haven’t?

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Of course I have, Kim. I’ve seen the Empire State building about a billion times. There’s actually tons of photos going around that other people have seen of it. I don’t think not one person has seen this photo and said, “What’s Kim’s take on it?” Kim, answer this question. Why is it so blurry? And when you took it, were you thrown from the building when you took the picture?

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: No, Darnell. I thought I actually had a pretty good view.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, this is a good view to you? This here? Kim, you know, my grandmom has a better view and her house honestly Kim, is underground. My grandmom’s dead. Um, Kim, listen. Your Instagram has taken time from my life. And right now, I’m gonna take time from your’s. You’re going into wall.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kim: What do you mean?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Kim is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Yeah, get your ass out! [Cut to Darnell Pepper] Get out! Get your ass out! Um, now, for those of you tuning into my show for the first time, yes, I do have a small dungeon behind my set. Now, each of my guests is basically locked back there for about one week just to get their minds right. Is it illegal? Of course it is. You wanna stop me, just call 911. We all know you’re not going to do it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, please help me welcome my next guest, Trisa.

[Trisa walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Trisa: Hi. Hey, I was told I was gonna be on ‘The Price Is Right’.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Well, you got the price wrong. Um, Trisa, here’s the thing. I wanna tell you a story. I was laying on my bed on Sunday and I’m basically scrolling through the gram and I saw a picture of my sister’s daughter. [Show screen showing Darnell Pepper’s sister’s daughter posted on Instagram.] Aw, there she is. You know what I did? I loved that. That’s what I did. You know I saw another picture of my friend’s puppy. He was dressed like a hotdog. [Show screen showing a puppy dressed like a hotdog posted on Instagram.] Look at this. Cute as hell. That’s cute, right? Then all of a sudden,this popped up. [Show screen showing a picture of a broken toenail posted on Instagram.] It’s a photo of your big old bruised and busted toe. Now, why in hell would you post this photo?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: [laughing] I don’t know, it’s a funny story, Darnell. A horse ran over my big toe and it got really bruised and then the nail broke off. And I was like, “Oh, my god. That would make the perfect Instagram.”

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: [fake laughing] Hey, Trisa, is your mom watching this?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Oh, yeah! Definitely.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Okay, then I’ma take this time to address your mother directly. [looking at the camera] You failed! Okay?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Okay. Well, Darnell, I’m sorry. I had to give my followers something for Throw Back Thursday. You know, TBT.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Wait a minute. Hold on! Hold on! This was a TBT? So, you’re telling me that you went through all your old photos to be like, “Hmm, what should I post?” And somehow you decided on a picture of a dead toe? You know what that’s like, Trisa? That’s like fishing an old dukie out the toilet to restake the bathroom. That’s what it’s like. Trisa, pack your bags coz you’re going into wall.

Trisa: What?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Trisa is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Get your ass back there. God I love doing that. I love it. I really do. Now, right now is time for this week’s Darnell Do Not. Instagrammers, do not post a sexy selfie without checking the background first.I want you to look at this. [Show screen shows a picture of a woman posted on Instagram.] Look at this girl trying to get me all horny. Hey, real quick, what’s that behind her on the bathroom floor? [The picture zooms. There’s a baby lying naked on the floor.] Oh! Oh! That’s a baby back there busting it open. That’s what that is. Okay? This is not a sexy selfie. It’s exhibit A in a custody trial. And that’s why it’s a Darnell do Not.

Alright, now it’s time for my final guest. He’s a dumb little idiot. Please welcome Travis.

[Travis walks in]

Travis: Hey, my brother!

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Ha-ha. Shut the hell up, Travis. We need to talk about something serious, okay? Last week Travis, there was a horrible terrorist attack in Paris. And Travis, you posted an Instagram about it.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: That’s right. And the caption said, “Thinking of everyone in Paris” coz I was.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, that’s nice. But you know, let’s take a look at the picture right now.

[Show screen show’s a selfie of Travis in his bed topless posted on Instagram.}

Look at that. This is not about Paris. This is about you trying to show of your little orangutan nipples. That’s what this is. Okay? Have you ever been to Paris, Travis?

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Yes, sir. I love the culture there. But the Eiffel tower was smaller than I thought and I lost a lot of money.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: That was Vegas. Okay? Travis, that’s it! You’re going in the wall.

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Travis is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

In the wall! In the wall! Get your ass back there.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Alright, people! Well, that’s all the time we have on Why’d You Post That? I’m Darnell Pepper saying, “Don’t post pictures of coffee.” Goodnight.

Weekend Update Mrs. Sartini

Colin Jost

Mrs. Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, 33% of homeowners don’t like their neighbors. Here with her tips on how to deal with difficult neighbors is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Mrs. Santini slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mrs. Santini: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. I like this chair. I will take this chair.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Santini: Okay, I won’t. [Mrs. Santini winks]

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, what would you say is your number one tip for dealing with annoying neighbors?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Okay, the best thing to do is to write a nice little note. Here is a sample of a very nice note. [Mrs. Santini takes a red paper out.] This one, I left for the family upstairs.

[Mrs. Santini reading the note] Dear elephant family in 6H. I am so sorry you is elephants. And every step you take ruin my life. Maybe floor of your apartment is a wack a mole machine and you go boom-boom-boom. Maybe you have a Jumanji in your apartment every night. Either way, this is very sad for you. So please, keep on breaking my ears and wreck my days and nights and my small business. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Mrs. Santini folds the paper and puts it away.]

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What is your small business?

Mrs. Santini: I make animal skeletons.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you make them? Out of what?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Animals.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

You know when Dunkin Donuts at the end of the day throws out all the leftovers. That office is the same.

Colin Jost: Okay, Mrs. Santini. Any other tips for dealing with neighbors?

Mrs. Santini: Yes, okay. [Cut to Mrs. Santini] My next door neighbors, they cook every night but they make big smell. It smells like when you earring hole is infected and wipe it and you go [smells the infection] . So, I write them a sweet note. [Mrs. Santini opens another paper] Dear Mario Batali of hot garbage. I am so sorry for all pots and pans are diapers and your favorite spice is a dookie. It’s so sad for you that every rat in the world come to die in your wall. So, don’t worry. Destroy my final days. It’s okay. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Frida, are these really your final days?

Mrs. Santini: For a Hulu+, yes. My free trial is.

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, everyone.

Mrs. Santini: 5H. 5H.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a Duke University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After receiving complaints from Christian Leaders, Duke University has canceled plans for Muslim students to use the school’s iconic Chapel tower for sounding the traditional Islamic call to prayer. But apparently the Christian leaders are totally cool that Duke’s mascot is the Devi.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Idina Menzel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl. Then she’ll sing ‘Let it go’ as the tribute to the NFL’s domestic violence policy.

[Picture changes to a picture of marijuana]

A new survey shows that the state with the most marijuana use is Rhode Island, which explains Rhode Island’s official state moto, “but if it’s an island, where does the road go?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a man who set his bicycle down at an intersection, dropped his pants and started dancing. Which as far as I know might be what crossfit is.

[Picture changes to Chinese flag and a knife.]

A woman in China was arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis. Then later went to the hospital where it had been reattached and cut it off a second time. You see, that kind of work ethic is exactly why China is beating the US. But seriously, I’ve been in a lot of bad breakups before. And I bet what actually hurt that guy, like, more than anything was getting his penis cut off twice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of HSN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of the Home Shopping Network died this week at the age of 79. [Picture changes to the company offer.] Order just 4 easy installments of $19.99.

[Picture changes to a marijuana spray]

A new marijuana spray called Foria will go on sale next week and promises to help women have better sex. This according to Foria CEO, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby wearing a Mexican hat.] Will Wosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of 3 rhinos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 3 rhinos at a zoo in Israel escaped after a guard fell asleep. [Picture changes to a cover photo of the movie Zookeeper Michael Che: Rhino Escape.] starring Kevin James.

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.