Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman:

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound]

[Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer: It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.

E-Sports Reporter

Doug Miller… Mikey day

Mark Laramie… Kyle Mooney

Laszlo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

The Captain… Bowen Yang

Fan… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with League of Legends World Champions intro]

Announcer: League of Legends World Champions only on MSG.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Welcome back to MSG’s e-sports coverage of the League of Legends World Championship. Doug Miller alongside Mark Laramie. And what a tournament it has been.

Mark Laramie: Incredible. Take a look at this.

[Cut to a video clip of League of Legends game]

Moments ago, Shadow Gaming eliminated top-ranked team Echo claiming their Nexus in only 32 minutes.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Whoo! Did not see that coming. Wow! Our Regular e-sports reporter Jake Sussman is out today, taking the PSATs. Good luck, Jake. Yeah. Filling in for him is Laszlo Holmes, [Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right] who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG. How you feeling down there, Laz?

Laszlo Holmes: Confused. To be honest, when they asked me to cover a League of Legends tournament, I assumed it was a basketball game with NBA legends. This is not that. It is a computer game contest.

Mark Laramie: Yeah, a little different.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes]

Laszlo Holmes: Yes. I brought a basketball to get signed and someone in the crowd asked me what this was. So, very different that the Knick’s games, but we’re having fun down here. I’m not. But the crowd is. Laszlo Holmes, live at the League of Legos.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: Laz, walk us through the last match.

Laszlo Holmes: No thanks. I’m just playing. In a nutshell, [Cut to Laszlo Holmes] there were ten nerdy dudes sitting at computers with headsets on while 20,000 people screamed like they were watching The Beatles. I did not know this was a thing. I guess e-sports is what white and Asian kids were doing while black kids were inventing hip-hop. Nah, I’m just kidding, though. But you know how they do in e-sports. Ready, set, sit down!

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Now, we’ve got lots to unpack here.

Laszlo Holmes: Well, don’t let me stop you. This is Laszlo Holmes, signing off.

Laszlo Holmes: Now, hold on, Laz. I’m sure you have thoughts on team Echo’s attack strategy.

Laszlo Holmes: I do not.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, here’s the moment everyone is talking about. Laz, what do you make of this?

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and video clip of League of Legends game at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Well, to me, this game looks like how a seizure feels. But I think if you know what’s happening in this clip, you need to get out of the house more. No, I’m just kidding. That’s me keeping it light. But in terms of what’s happening in this clip, I don’t know.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: You can say that again! Echo trying to defend their Nexus with two heros on respawn! And all their CC on cooldown.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, they’re taking the loss in stride. Laz, you’re going to like this. Echo’s captain Doublepump just tweeted, “Congrats Shadow Gaming. Can I borrow some XP.”

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Ha-ha! That means nothing to me.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Mark Laramie: Laz, we’re hearing that the captain of Shadow gaming is on the floor. Maybe you can get a question in.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes and the captain]

Laszlo Holmes: Uh, let’s do that. I’m here with – turn around for me. [The jersey says “S3X PANDA99”] Yeah, I’m not going to say that. So, homey, everybody wants to know, how you going to win that League of Legos today?

The Captain: We got some early kills, top lane evolving and the back lane. We got lucky on turrets in 5V5 seize for the beacon.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[A girl comes in and hugs the captain]

Fan: Oh, I am sorry to bother you, but I love you so much! Like, you don’t understand, I’m like shaking right now!

Laszlo Holmes: From meeting him?

The Captain: Do you want to go backstage?

Fan: Oh, my god, yes! Can my friends come? They love you too!

Laszlo Holmes: What?

The Captain: Okay. Thank you.

[The Captain leaves and a group of females followed him back stage]

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Laz? Did we lose you?

Laszlo Holmes: No! Sorry, what I just saw was so unexpected that my brain went into a Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan” mode. Laszlo Holmes coming at you live from the upside down.

Mark Laramie: Thank you, Laz! When we return, the quarter finals begin.

Doug Miller: And we’ll be one step closer to seeing which team will take home the $7 million grand prize.

Laszlo Holmes: $7 million?

Doug Miller: Stay with us.

[Ends with League of Legends World Champions outro]

Dance Rehearsal

Tony… Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

Brad… Chance the Rapper

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video clip of Dance Studio In Los Angeles building]

[Cut to the dance hall]

Tony Solis: All right, good evening, dancers! Thank you very much for giving up your Halloween to rehearse. [Cut to Tony Solis] As I understand it, you guys were picked up by earth, wind, and fire themselves for their big Halloween boogie spectacular. You are the best, or at least earth ,wind and fire think so. Do you all know the ography?

[Cut to the dancers]

Dancers: Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Well, then show it! Boogie-wonderland. Make it sizzle and stank. Go!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everybody start dancingand Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, give it, give!

Where’s the tank? Where’s the tank?

And the wonder? Where is the wonder?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

[The full moon shows through the window]

No! The moon! I must close the drapes! The moon! The drapes! The moon and the drapes! I must close them. The drapes! Ahh! Please, release the drapes!

[Cut to the dancers]

Chloe Fineman: That was weird.

Heidi Gardner: Weird good or weird bad?

Chris Redd: I think bad.

Brad: Yeah. It kind of backs up the secret I heard.

Bown Yang: Can you tell us, Brad?

Brad: Here’s what I can say. A, it’s dark. And B, it’s about Tony Solis.

[Cut to Tony Solis walks in the door again. He has grown a lot of facial hair.]

Tony Solis: Sorry, sorry, dancers. I had to take an important phone call from Fred Fake McMadeitup.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: Tony, are you okay?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: I’m better than okay. I’m Tony Solis. Let’s take it from the top and fill the Brim with flavor and funk. Go!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, pop the funk!

Pop the funk, ride the wind.

Feel the ‘70s. Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

[The full moon shows through the window]

Oh, the moon! The Venetian blinds! I must draw them shut! Oh, the moon! The Venetian. I must fight back the beast! Oh, no! Can’t let the dancers know what creature lives within me. Fight the curse Tony.

[Tony Solis leaves runs out]

[Cut to the dancers]

Brad: Hey, guys, I’m curious, did any of you get a fax last night?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, you’re rich.

Chris Redd: Yeah! Brag about your fax machine more!

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Well, I did. And it said, “Attention, dancers. Is there a full moon?” Followed by, “Forget what I just faxed. I’ll be fine.”

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair.]

Tony Solis: I am sorry. I had another business call from Donny Dane McDidn’thappen.

Chris Redd: Guys, I’m beginning to think these calls aren’t real. Tony, what’s up?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Whatever do you mean? I’m totally fine—[The full moon shows through the window] Oh, the moon! The roman shades! Where is the cord? Where is the little pulley cord? Dammit, why do all of these windows have to be different dressings. Who styled the dance studio? Oh, I did! Oh, damn me. This is my studio! This is Tony Solis’ dance studio slash werewolf’s house!

[Tony Solis runs out]

Heidi Gardner: Guys, Tony Solis is a werewolf.

Brad: Wait a minute, did you hear that from me?

Chris Redd: No, the dude looks like a wolf!

Chloe Fineman: And his face is covered in fur.

Bown Yang: And he has some kind of beef with the moon.

Brad: As long as we all know that I didn’t blab.

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair, fangs and wolf arms]

Tony Solis: All right. Enough with the chitchat! [Cut to Tony Solis]

Y’all are here to dance! So, let’s do it!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on.

[Tony Solis walks to Chloe Fineman]

Tony Solis: And who hired you?

[Tony Solis pushes Chloe Fineman away through the wall]

Chloe Fineman: Ah!

Heidi Gardner: I’m getting out of here!

Bown Yang: He just killed Trish!

Brad: Suit yourself. I’m staying. I’m not blowing this gig.

Chris Redd: That was your wife, man!

Cut for Time ’80s Drug PSA

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Tommy… Kyle Mooney

Grieg… Chance the Rapper

Darnell… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Announcer: The following has been paid for the Queen City Department of Education.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy in the alley]

Chris Redd: That was a fun basketball game.

Mikey Day: Yeah! So awesome. So, what do we do now?

Tommy: Hey, you guys wanna get high?

Chris Redd: You mean, smoke marijuana?

Tommy: Nope, even better. It’s called crack cocaine.

Mikey Day: Awesome!

Chris Redd: I’ll try some.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You’re wrong little dudes. I know you kids ain’t thinking about doing cocaine.

Darnell: Yeah, man! That stuff is wiggady-whack!

[Cut to everybody]

Tommy: Whoa! Who are you guys?

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Both: The sober brothers!

Darnell: In full effect!

Grieg: And when we were your age we used to do cocaine.

Darnell: Word up!

Grieg: You kids don’t want to get mixed up with that junk.

Darnell: Yeah, man! ‘Cos it’s crazy dangerous and it’s expensive.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Yeah, but this is crack cocaine. It’s new and really cheap.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: But it’s still bad for you kids.

Darnell: How cheap?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: I don’t know. Pretty cheap, like, um, five bucks a rock.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Wow, man! That’s pretty damn cheap. It’s probably weak though, right?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: It’s actually way stronger than regular cocaine.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, snap! That’s impossible, right Grieg?

Grieg: Ay, it doesn’t matter. You kids still shouldn’t mess with that crap.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Chris Redd: But everybody’s doing it.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: And where they at?

Grieg: Ay, but check this out. You don’t want to be a follower.

Darnell: What? In a park way over there with that long line?

Grieg: If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Chris Redd: I guess not.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: And that’s why you shouldn’t do crack.

Darnell: Look at that. The cops are just letting it happen too.

Grieg: Ay, come on, man!

Darnell: Oh, right! Sorry. Besides, kids, cocaine will ruin your nose just like it did mine.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: But it doesn’t go in your nose. You smoke it with a pipe.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: And what does it taste like?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Actually it tastes pretty gross.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: Exactly! It’s gross because it’s bad for you.

Darnell: How gross is it though? I mean, like, does it taste like bugs? Because, I’ve eaten bugs.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Whatever old man. I’m gonna smoke crack. Who’s with me?

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Me!

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Mikey Day: I don’t know, Tommy. Maybe these guys are right.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: But, maybe we wrong.

Grieg: Darnell! What are you doing man?

Darnell: Man, are you hearing this? This is everything we dreamed of, man! We can get higher, faster for cheaper. And you just want to walk away?

Grieg: But we don’t do that anymore.

Darnell: Because it costs too much. And now, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Fine, I’m going to go throw this crack in the trash.

Mikey Day: Yeah!

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: That’s good thinking little man.

Darnell: Yeah, which can?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Thank you sober brothers.

Chris Redd: You saved our lives.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: No need to thank us.

Darnell: Yeah, man! Just tell us which can you’re going to throw the crack in.

Grieg: And always remember, [Cut to everybody] when it comes to doing drugs–

Everybody: Just say, “No!”

Darnell: Let me toss it away for you.

Choir Fashion

Evelyn McIntosh… Aidy Bryant

Diana Krill… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Dazzle Design Choir Attire intro]

[Choir singers singing]

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Hi, I’m Evelyn McIntosh.
Diana Krill: And I’m Diana Krill.

Evelyn McIntosh: And we’re the proud owners of Dazzle Designs.

Diana Krill: Your premiere source for show choir attire. As directors of a team show choir, we wear many hats. Director, pianist, coming out sounding board and fashion designer.

Evelyn McIntosh: When your group of 60 teens is standing on risers for six hours in the basketorium, they should look exactly as good as they sound.

Diana Krill: Whether you’re doing a Messiah or an ill-advised African tune. We’ve got you covered.

[Music starts playing]

[Both singing choir]

Evelyn McIntosh: Well, let’s take a look at some of our designs. [A picture of a model with a dress appears on the left side] This cool team dress has an air of elegance, best described as Amish Bat Mitzvah.

Diana Krill: Guaranteed to have your teen daughter looking like the fiancée of an important Nazi.

[Both singing choir]

Both: Moon river.

Diana Krill: Here to help model our menswear look are the most talented and only boys in our choir, the Trevors.

[Cut to the Trevors]

Everyone: Hi!

Pete Davidson: I’m a bass.

Chris Redd: I’m a tenor.

Chance the Rapper: And I’m a bully.

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Oh, boys, you’re perfect. Now, show them what you’re wearing.

[Cut to the Trevors]

Pete Davidson: Look like you’re going to a prom, where the theme is virginity.

Chance the Rapper: Rent them pre-stinky from school and pair them with your dead uncle’s dress shoes.

Chris Redd: The buttons let you know it’s Velcro!

Chance the Rapper: They’re made for dancing, and by dancing, I mean a terrified this. [All three of them showing a nervous dance step]

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Now, let’s see some daring ensembles.

[A picture of two models wearing matching clothes at the left side]

Children are gift. Put them in a bag. Wide shoulder, everybody boat neck.

Diana Krill: As a choir director, you’ll love how the shinyness of these outfits distracts the audience from your dancing.

[The picture chances to am model wearing a black dress and a hat.]

Evelyn McIntosh: Now, this is a spunky look because of the sexual hat. And a skirt that lands at the widest part of every girl’s leg.

Diana Krill: Can’t you picture her singing modern hit from the radio?

[Music playing]

Both: I don’t want a place to stay [laughing]

Make my day Make my day

Evelyn McIntosh: All right, let’s see our final and best look on boys.

[Cut to the Trevors]

Chris Redd: Complement your four-part harmonies with a 22-piece tuxedo ensemble.

Chance the Rapper: Complete with pockets, buttons, and no rear vent. Those farts are coming out of your mouth.

Pete Davidson: We got these from a magician supply warehouse, so some of the pockets still have a dead doves in them.

[Cut to Evelyn McIntosh and Diana Krill]

Evelyn McIntosh: Want to know more? Visit our website, print it out. Fax the printout to our son. He’ll mail you a phone number which is a website.

Diana Krill: We accept all major credit cards, Visa, Disney and Kohl’s.

Evelyn McIntosh: So dazzle today!

[The Trevors join them]

[Music starts playing and every is singing]

[Ends with Dazzle Designs outro]

Chance the Rapper Zanies and Fools (Live)

[Starts with Chance the Rapper as the announcer calling out himself]

Chance the Rapper: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance the Rapper.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Video clip of a child singing is playing]

[Cut to Chance the Rapper on stage with the musicians]

Chance the Rapper: Once upon a time, I wasn’t sure of myself
Once upon a time I wasn’t sure of myself
I would always claim I never had no help
Look into the mirror, the most unfair of all
Hit the Player Ball, it was unbearable
Another big birthday, another milestone
To make your birthstone feel like rhinestone
The caterpillars that had buried inside my belly
Started to flutter before I learned how to fly
I had a bunch of midlife crises ‘fore I turned 25
The teachers put me in the back where I was learning to hide
‘Cause when the teachers call you special, that’s a perfect disguise
I had to bury all the dancing that would burgeon inside
I got quiet, thought the silence was the perfect reply
I turn to Casper any time a nigga turn on the slide
Until I turned up at the talent show, a permanent high
I had Jesus behind the wheel before I learned how to drive
‘Cause it’s poss-Possible
It’s possible
It’s possible
It’s possible
It’s possible
It’s possible
It’s possible
It’s possible

Once upon a time, a lady who tried twice
At being a good wife and giving a good life
To both of her lil’ girls with ballerina tights
She called up the RE/MAX and opened her own site
Clothes and open houses, hired her own type
Alimony is phony, she paid for her own flights
Crazy office parties, she’s throwin’ ’em inside
And my mama sealed my fate when she opened the invite
The lady had a plan, she knew it all in advance
The party was a good mixture of employees and friends
She told the people comin’ to make sure they bring their kids
Yeah, bring some food, but just make sure you bring your kids
After we arrived and after standing around
The lady take the glass and told us gather around
For a special performance from her daughters, she said it proud
But tonight they not my daughters, tonight they Destiny’s Child
Out from the back came three lil’ survivors
In formation, choreo tight
The one on the left, I think I might like her
One on the left, I think I might love her
Lady just folds her arms, rubs her hands
All of the lessons, learn how to dance
All of these moments left up to chance
Everything will go right as it can
It’s possibleIt’s possible (it’s possible)
It’s possible (it’s possible)

It’s possible (t’ouvres grand, yé)
It’s possible (t’ouvres grand, yé)
It’s possible
It’s possible

Once upon a time, I had carats supplied
To a pair of fair rings I would share with the bride
Every kiss begins with clear cut clarity sides
They were forever, but marriage had an apparent decline
Now we live in fear of doin’ what our parents was tryin’
So every Rapunzel don’t got the kind of hair you can climb
Every since they lost a slipper, every pair that they find
They say these boots were made for dancing like Mary J. Blige
We live a life apart, life so hard
Life’ll never really end up like the start
We learn together how the back door feels
And we was jumping over brooms in tobacco fields
We was the same, all black folks still
Until the white man found out black votes steal elections
So they legitimized us, but behind us
It’s still black folks at the back door still
For every small increment liberated, our women waited
And all they privacy been invaded
Almost every trade I got through the slave owner
Dark skin, brown, nose round, but the Bennett made it
Now I wanna give it to her, Sierra Leone, serenade
Sometimes love come with it’s own barricade
Sometimes love just gotta hold, marinate
Let it hold, let it wait, here it go, here it goIt’s possible (it’s possible)
It’s possible (it’s possible)
(Vous allez accomplir, vous allez accomplir, allez)
It’s possible (t’ouvres grand, yé)
It’s possible (t’ouvres grand, yé)
It’s possible
It’s possible

Ayy, yo
Once upon a time, a girl from Trinidad
Had to fly to Canada and sneak into the land
Of the free and of the brave, feet under the sand
And I came in realizing nothing free in the land
Dreams of making money, had to split it with Sam
All that “Making the Band”, yeah, I could’ve did it, but damn
Had to really be on the come-up, had to stick to the plan
Went from rockin’ with Fendi, now Fendi know I’m a brand
That’s how God do, I’m in your top two
And I ain’t number two, conquered rap, then the pop, too
You gon’ stop who? Get off cock, dude
This itty bitty piggy giving bitches what they bop to
I met my husband when I was seventeen out in Queens
If you love it, let it go, now I know what that means
While he was up North for a body
I bodied everybody and got known for my body
My nigga home now, he the Clyde to my Bonnie
‘Bout to walk down the aisle and be a mommy
Ooh, I remember when I cried like, “Why me?”
Now I wouldn’t exchange my life for Armani
Sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming and then it hits me
Gotta remember who I am when it slips me
Kids running up to the car yelling, “Nicki”
All my bad bitches, I know that y’all with me
Fuck they thought was sittin’ in my seat?
Got a big bowl of ice cream sitting in my Jeep
Got some felons that’ll put you on ice, so don’t sleep
‘Bout to dead this whole beat for rocks and gold teeth

It’s possible, it’s possible
It’s possible to me

[Music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Chance the Rapper Monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Band is playing music on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Change the Rapper.

[Chance the Rapper enters the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Chance the Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m Chance the Rapper and it is so great to be back here at SNL. If you don’t remember the last time I was here, I gave $1 million to Chicago public schools. [Cheers and applause] And I’m happy to say, it completely fixed everything. No, honestly, to the teachers in Chicago, I know you guys are on strike right now, I fully support you. [Cheers and applause] I just wish that when I was in school, my teachers had gone on a strike. Like, for real, though. But it’s great to be back and to honor my hometown, I’m going to do a song about Chicago, the second city.

[Music playing]

Okay, okay, here we go.

Now, I love Chicago, the city that fathered me,
called the second city, but that doesn’t bother me
I’ve gotta tell you I think it’s the reverse
‘cos sometimes the second best is better than the first
sometimes the second best is better than the first
Like, I don’t like Google, I use Bing
I like French fries from Burger King
when it comes to Harry Potter people give me grief
because I prefer Percy Jackson lightning thief
I only drink Pepsi never Coca-cola
Jimmy Kimmel is fine but I love Adam Corolla
and Robin Gibb is my favorite bee gee
I hate Mario, love Luigi
because I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best better
I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best one
I like DMC better than RUN
‘cos I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best one

[Kyle Mooney walks in]

Hey, Kyle Mooney!

[Cheers and applause]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, Chance. I was just listening to your song and I can totally relate. You see, I’m from San Diego, sort of the second city of southern California.

Chance the Rapper: Do people call it that?

Kyle Mooney: They do, yeah, all the time.

Chance the Rapper: Because I’ve never heard anyone call it that.

Kyle Mooney: Well, they do, okay? Now, let me rap.

Chance the Rapper: Okay.

Kyle Mooney: Here we go. Kyle Mooney rapping.

Now me and Chance we live that thug life
because we like antz more than bug’s life

Chance the Rapper: Sense and sensibility was better than pride and prejudice
never had Nintendo but I rocked a Sega Genesis

Kyle Mooney: You know I like Scrappy more than Scooby-Doo.
I don’t like Chili’s but I love Chili’s too

Chance the Rapper: I like the clippers the nets and my white SOX
I don’t have Netflix, I like Redbox

Kyle Mooney: I use DHL for my overnight shipping

Chance the Rapper: My favorite bulls player is Scottie Pippin

Kyle Mooney: I like Hanukkahs better than Christmases

I don’t love Islands but I love Isthumuses

Chance the Rapper: What’s an Isthmuse?

Kyle Mooney: It’s a narrow strip of land connecting two bigger pieces of lands.

Chance the Rapper: And that’s second best to islands?

Kyle Mooney: For the purposes of the song. Yes, just keep going, okay?

Chance the Rapper: Okay.

Instead of Starbucks you know what I do
I go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or Caribou

Kyle Mooney: Lunchtime I don’t have to think it over
I skip Chipotle and head to QDOBA

Chance the Rapper: Some people like Mace more than Puffy
I like the show Angel better than Buffy

Kyle Mooney: My favorite show about 90’s teens
wasn’t Saved by the Bell it was California Dream

I was wondering, do you think I could be on your next album?

Chance the Rapper: No.

Kyle Mooney: That made sense, all right. Take it away.

[Kyle Mooney leaves the stage]

Chance the Rapper: Okay. Here we go. Big-time.

Yeah, I’m the kind of guy that likes the second best best.

I think Chicago is better than the rest

I take seconds at dinner and second glances

I believe in second chances

I love my wife and my family is true

A month ago we welcomed daughter number two

Now I’m in New York, it’s great to be alive

I’m back for the second time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

We got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back!

Chance the Rapper Handsome (Live)

Jason Momoa
Chance the Rapper
[Starts with Jason Momoa announcing on SNL stage]
Jason Momoa: Once again, Chance the Rapper.
[Cheers and applause]
[Chance the Rapper is on stage]
[Music playing]
Chance the Rapper: SNL, make some noise.
[Cheers and applause]
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
But you know nobody could get (Huh)
It’s a hottie, it’s a body, we ain’t missin’ no meals
I ride shotty, she like five-some but six in them heels
I’m a Ducati, you gonna do 90 down 290, huh?
Know where you goin’, know where to find me, know where to find me, huh?
Big thumb, rotisserie
Big tongue make it slippery
I give you a sec’ I’ll let you shake it out
Now, let’s run it back, this time don’t make a sound
Make it walk
Climb up to the top and do a split and make it drop
You lookin’ naked, lookin’ pregnant, anything you make it pop
You out here bakin’, hot like Megan on my bacon when it pop
Baby, you look good, you look gorgeous
This right here your city, I’m a tourist
I know I’m a catch, I’m a swordfish
Got me on your hook, on your chorus
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
The one and only Megan Thee Stallion, baby!
We don’t know, known across the globe
from my player ways and my skimpy clothes
Houston hottie with a model body
I’m a bust it open like a centerfold
Bad bitch with a lot of options (yeah)
Half of me is really hard to top it (hey)
She don’t suck it sloppy, she don’t like to ride it
She don’t lick the balls, she ain’t really wifey, ah
All that talking shit, you know that excite me
And I know that mean you love me when you tell me you don’t like me
And I know you need some — when you argue and we fightin’
Don’t you put them in our business, if we beefin’ keep it private, huh
Baby, you look good, you look handsome
Rich — put that — for some ransom
Before I let you go, I had to have some
Rich chick so you know I got my bands up
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
But you know nobody could get
[Music stops]
[Cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” With Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

According to a Fox News poll 51% of Americans support impeaching president Trump. You know it’s bad because Fox News barely talks about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News they were decorating cakes. Meanwhile, CNN I saw this headline. “Trump loses five court cases in one day distancing himself from Giuliani” and then I couldn’t read anymore. It’s never good and there’s so much bad news, CNN has to switch to a smaller font to fit it all. And it’s definitely about to get worse for Trump [Picture changes to Guiliani’s associates Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas] because of these two shreks. Two Soviet born associates of Rudy Giuliani, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas who were somehow not killed by John Wick, were arrested in Dulles airport in Washington for allegedly funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign, which as you might have guessed is very illegal. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]And before Trump says, “I don’t even know these guys”, here’s a quick slide show put together.

[Cut to slideshow of pictures of Donald trump, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas]

[Music playing]

The boys are back in town the boys are back in town

I said the boys are back in town God,

[Cut to Colin Jost]

They photograph well. Giuliani’s two associates are also very successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And then Lev, the shy one, I swear to you owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee. So, my guarantee is Trump is about to lose court case number six.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, bravo to the casting agency that found these two thumb breakers. They look like they use vodka as cologne. These guys have definitely worn track suits to their daughter’s wedding. I know these are easy jokes but I’m just surprised these guys were helping the president and not, I don’t know, helping George Costanza get a frogger machine across the street.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And, how is Trump handling this impeachment? Well, I would say not great based on what he did at his emotional support rally on Thursday. This is an actual headline about the rally. “Trump appears to do impression of FBI agents having sex.” I thought ,”Well, that’s got to be an exaggeration, right?” Then I saw the clip.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lisa. Lisa, I—Lisa, Lisa, oh, god. I love you, Lisa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, he’s killing. Like, the audience loves it. I’m actually jealous. The rally was like “Showtime at the Apollo” except, you know. Opposite. Also, the crowd is laughing along like they have any idea who these FBI agents are. I bet Trump’s impression of those two agents are about as accurate as my impression of Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats are calling president Trump’s behavior unconstitutional to which Trump responded, [Picture changes to Donald Trump] “You’re right. I had no idea. And I’m sorry.” I’m just kidding. You know that ain’t right. Do you think after the whole impeachment thing is over we can just take a year off from presidents? Just to clear our heads a little. You know, not rush into someone else horrible? Right now my standards are so low, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, “Maybe him! He seems tough.” I mean we can afford a break. Right? As a country. Why don’t we take some of that old free cotton money and coast for a year until we get our groove back?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump–

Michael Che: [Laughing] Can’t say cotton money on NBC.

Colin Jost: [Laughing] Trump then explained withdrawing troops from Northern Syria saying that we didn’t need to defend our Kurdish allies because “They didn’t help us in World War II.” But with World War II, it’s kind of hard to know who Trump means by ‘Us’. In other foreign news, after being asked about the wife of the US diplomat in Britain striking and killing a teenager while driving on the wrong side of the road, president Trump said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: And the woman was driving on the wrong side of the road and that can happen. Those are the opposite roads. It happens. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, it did happen to you? I’m not sure what’s crazier, that the president straight up admitted to vehicular manslaughter on live TV? Or that he is pretending that he ever drove a car?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of CNN logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: CNN held an equality town hall with nine of the democratic presidential candidates answering questions about their views on LGBTQ issues. And I thought it was really cool. [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] Mayor Pete did exceptionally well. I’ve heard people ask him, “Is America ready to have their first gay president?” But there’s no way we haven’t already our first gay president. We’ve picked 45 guys in a row. The better question is, which one? My guess is Abraham Lincoln. What? He got shot at the theater. That’s a pretty gay way to go. I bet John Wilkes Booth was like, “I know where that bitch is. He’s probably watching “Kinky Boots” again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Joe Biden—Joe Biden for the first time called for president Trump to be impeached and removed for office after he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking was him.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: According to the CDC, cases of the sexually transmitted diseases as chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea are all at all-time highs because of dating apps. With more on this obviously is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thank you very much. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Undeserved, all of this. Yeah, I don’t—I don’t really see the problem.

Colin Jost: What do you mean, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I don’t see the problem, Colin. These are all things you can cure with a shot. I don’t know how this is even news, really.

[Cut to Pete Davidson] I understand, you know, people can be worried about STDs. I get tested all the time because I look like I have all of them. Yeah, and I might have created my own, but every single time I pray I only get the ones you just mentioned because you can just take a pill and keep rolling the dice. You know? The flu can last like a month, but syphilis, it’s like four days. Bring it on.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
The flu is like our syphilises.

Colin Jost: Well, I guess that’s a really optimistic way of looking at it.

Pete Davidson: It’s the only way, Colin. No. So, I reckon a number of people have curable STDs.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

You know what I hear, way to go science. All right? There’s already a cure? We don’t even need to have a race for it? Like, I read online dating is actually like desegregating American online. Like helping. Way more people are dating outside their race and their social class and religion. You’re going to risk all that ethnic harmony to stop a few busted pipes from dripping? I don’t think that’s fair.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete!

Pete Davidson: What? Fine. Penis. You child. No, they don’t let us say any of the fun words. You think busted pipes dripping was my first choice?

Colin Jost: I’m worried you may be giving people bad advice.

Pete Davidson: Definitely. [Cut to Pete Davidson] But obviously, it’s a bad thing all of these diseases are back after so many years. Gonorrhea. Does everything in my generation have to be a reboot? Like, the clap and Rambo came back in the same year. And neither of them were wanted. That guy’s like, green. Anyway, crazy. Sorry to get a little off topic. So, no. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying to people you should wear you know, wear a condom, but since you won’t, you know—call your doctor and get antibiotics. That’s all.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s all you wanted to say?

Pete Davidson: Yes. It really is. You know? So I did hear your little joke about me last week. Your gentle little ribbing calling me that guy who lost his car at a music festival for a week, which I looked up, it was not me. And by the way, Colin, I don’t know if you’ve seen “The Joker” but I think you should start being way nicer to me.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I’m serious.

Colin Jost: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.