For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 20: Episode 1
94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
Goodnights
…..Steve Martin
Steve Martin: I think we all had a great time here, on the first show of the 20th Anniversary season of “Saturday Night Live”. I’d like to thank Eric.. [ shakes Eric Clapton’s hand ] Brian.. [ shakes Brian Austin Green’s hand ] Everybody! Thanks a lot! Tune in every week! All our baseball stars are there! See you next week! Thanks a lot for stopping by!
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 20: Episode 1
94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
Clinton Auditions
President Bill Clinton…..Chris Farley
President Bill Clinton…..David Spade
President Bill Clinton…..Chris Elliot
President Bill Clinton…..Adam Sandler
President Bill Clinton…..Tim Meadows
[ open on exterior, White House ]
Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Farley dressed like President Bill Clinton ]
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m President Bill Clinton. Over the last several weeks, as the crisis in Haiti has consumed my attention, many of you might have noticed I’ve put on a few extra pounds. That’s right, I’ve got a little bit of a weight problem! You see, ol’ Bill has what doctors call a glandular disorder! Well, what in the Sam Hill.. are we gonna DO ABOUT IT?!! I’ll TELL you what we’re gonna DO!! We’re gonna JOG!! We’re gonna do some SIT-UPS!! We’re gonna lift some weights!! We’re gonna do JUMPING JACKS and CARTWHEELS!!
[ Farley cartwheels across the Oval Office set, crashing into part of the set ]
Director’s Voice: Thank you, Chris.
Chris Farley: [ back on his feet ] Was that good, Davy?
Director’s Voice: Very good.
Chris Farley: Was that all right?
Director’s Voice: Yes. Uh.. great energy, Chris. Next!
[ David Spade enters set, also dressed like Clinton ]
David Spade: Good job, Chris. Go towel off.
Director’s Voice: Are you ready, David?
David Spade: Yeah. Sure. Let’s try it!
[ cut to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, David Spade dressed like President Bill Clinton ]
President Bill Clinton: Okay, fellow Americans. Bill Clinton here. You want to know how I solved the Haiti crisis? Listen up. First, I called Jimmy Carter. [ mimes dialing phone ] Beep-boop-bop-boop-beep-bop-beep! “Jimmy. Bill. Sick of being a loser, one-term president everyone feels sorry for? [ snidely ] Uh-then get down to Haiti! It’s called doing something useful – look into it.”
Director’s Voice: Okay, thank you, David.
David Spade: Uh..okay, I have one more. Uh.. the Prime Minister of Japan and I saw the movie “Wyatt Earp”; he said, “They should call it ‘Wyatt So Long?'”
Director’s Voice: Thanks!
[ cut to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Elliot dressed like President Bill Clinton ]
[ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Chris Elliot ]
Chris Elliot: Uh.. Hal, before we begin-
Director’s Voice: Uh.. it’s Davey.
Chris Elliot: Oh.. sorry, I’m new here. Uh.. Before we begin, I’d like to, uh.. let everyone know where I’m coming from with, uh.. this Bill Clinton. Um.. after studying Bill Clinton for quite some time now, I’ve discovered that there’s an astonishing similarity between our 43rd President and that other famous curmudgeon: the lat,e beloved W.C. Fields. So, with that in mind, I present.. my Bill Clinton!
[ Chris turns around to prepare his impression ]
Director’s Voice: Uh, you’ve got about twenty seconds left, Chris.
Chris Elliot: [ back to camera, waves Director’s warning off ] Ungh! Ungh!
[ Chris turns around to do his impression ]
President Bill Clinton: Ah, yeeeesss! Ah, yes! My little chickadee! Ah, yes..
Director’s Voice: Uh.. ten seconds, Chris. Ten seconds.
President Bill Clinton: Ah, yes, Chelsea. Gwt away from me, kid, you’re bothering me! Where’s my drinks?
Director’s Voice: Uh.. thank you, Chris.
Chris Elliot: Um, Hal, I’m just having one other thought here.. um.. Lou Costello! [ breaks into character ] “I’m a baaaad boy!” Something.. something like that. Use it, don’t use it.. it’s no skin off my nose!
[ cut to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Adam Sandler dressed like President Bill Clinton holding a guitar ]
[ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Adam Sandler ]
President Bill Clinton: Hi. Hi, there, I’m Bill Clinton.. and I’m the President. You know, back when I was a little kid in Arkansas, I never thought I could be elected President, because of my thick Arkansas accent. But, uh.. I became President anyway, so I wrote a little song about it!
[ singing ]
“Love to be the President..
Love to be the President.
I’m the President, I think I’m so greatDid you know grizzly bears like to hibenrate?
I like McDonald’s, and Chelsea likes eggs
Did you ever notice Hillary’s got big legs?
The White House has so many antiques.
I would sneak girls in there, but the floorboards squeak.
Got caught!
Pres-pres-presi-presi-presi-di-doo!”
Director’s Voice: Uh.. okay, Adam, thank you..
President Bill Clinton: “Babies like it when you say, ‘Goo-goo-goo!'”
Director’s Voice: Uh.. next!
Adam Sandler: Uh, wait! I can also do his walk!
[ Sandler performs a comic walk ]
[ cut to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Tim Meadows dressed like a black President Bill Clinton ]
Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I feel your pain. Hillary and I were talking- [ breaks character ] I’m not gonna get this, am I?
Director’s Voice: No!
Tim Meadows: Well, uh.. can I at least start the show?
Director’s Voice: Okay.
Tim Meadows: Great! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 20: Episode 1
94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
Buck Daniels
Country Singer…..Michael McKean
Buck Daniels…..Steve Martin
Tammy Lee…..Janeane Garofalo
Whores…..Ellen Cleghorne, Laura Kightlinger
Jackie Mason…..Adam Sandler
Country Singer: I wrote a song about a man, a dreamer… who achieved it all but lost it. Man’s name was Buck Daniels. This is his song.
[ starts playing guitar and singing ]
“The boy was born on a Texas highway
In the back of a pickup truck.
Proud papa lifts his son to the sky
And says “Boy, your name is Buck.”
The boy grows up in a Kansas shack,
Learns how to play guitar.
At night he dreams his Nashville dreams
Someday I’ll be a star.
Oh Buck Daniels, the plans he made.
Oh Buck Daniels the price he paid.
The boy was a hit at the honkey tonks,
Becoming what he wanted to be.
One summer day he got a record contract
Took a jet plane to Kansas City.
The boy meets a girl in a greasy spoon,
Who says her name is Tammy Lee.
He treated her like the Queen of Spain,
And respected her virginity.
Oh Buck Daniels, his passion delayed.
Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.
The boy’s got a single climbin’ the charts
Starts getting a little bit cocky
Doesn’t call home much anymore.
Things with Tammy Lee get rocky.
Boy’s first album hits number one.
Gets an endorsement deal with Coors.
He tells Tammy Lee to hit the road,
Takes up with a couple of whores.
Oh Buck Daniels, the mistakes he made.Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.
The second single doesn’t do so good
And the crowd starts headin’ out.
Tammy Lee won’t take his calls.
One of the whores punches him in the mouth
The end of the line for this poor boy
And the death of the dream he was chasin’.
Came one night when he was caught
In bed with comedian Jackie Mason.”
Jackie Mason: I suppose this doesn’t look too good. But I came here for a sandwich. He told me there was a sandwich in the bed. I get in the bed and there was no sandwich. And a pff, and a pff, and a pfft.
Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Oh Buck Daniels, the plans he made.
Oh Buck Daniels, the trail he laid.
Oh Buck Daniels, he drank some Raid.
Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.
The price he… paid
[ audience applauding ]
Country Singer: Thank you.
Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 20: Episode 1
94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
Baby Competition
Tom…..Chris Farley
Doris…..Laura Kightlinger
Steve…..Steve Martin
Janene…..Janene Garafalo
[ open on two couples entering front room after looking at the baby in the baby’s room ]
Tom: Yooooou.. have such a beautiful baby!
Janene: Really, really beautiful!
Steve: Well, thank you!
Doris: Aw, that’s so nice!
Janene: It’s incredibly beautiful!
Doris: Oh..
Tom: Really beautiful.
Janene: Much more beautiful than our baby. Don’t you think, honey?
Tom: Ohhhh, yeah… a hundred times more beautiful than our baby.
Steve: What are you talking about! You have a beautiful baby, too!
Doris: You.. have an adorable baby.
Janene: Thank you for saying that.. but I know that our baby’s just.. not as beautiful as yours.
Tom: I blame myself.
Janene: Honey! Honey, don’t. I’m the one who wanted to have the baby in the first place.
Steve: Will you two knock it off? There’s nothing wrong with your baby’s looks! Now, what do you want to drink?
Janene: Scotch, neat.
Tom: Nothing for me, thanks. I’m driving, and.. drinking and driving is bad.
Janene: Nowww.. will your baby sleep right through the night?
Doris: [ with great elation ] Y-yeah! We’ve been pretty lucky!
Janene: [ breaking into tears and hysterics ] Our baby’s- What is wrong with our baby?!
Tom: God.. we have an ugly baby who doesn’t sleep through the night! I blame myself!
Janene: Well, how many times does your baby get up during the night?
Doris: Once.. maybe twice..
Tom: [ shaking his head ] I blame myself..
Steve: A lot of babies do that, that’s very common!
Janene: Oh, really? Common? As in: average, middle-grove.. not special like your baby?
Steve: I never said that!
Tom: Does your baby have any teeth?
Doris: Tom, don’t..
Tom: Doris, I need to know.. does your baby have any teeth?
Doris: [ hesitant ] Yes.
Janene: [ crying ] Our baby’s a toothless freak!
Tom: I blame myself..
Doris: You guys have gotta stop being so hard on yourselves!
Steve: Yeah! Every baby develops at a different pace!
Janene: Oh, that’s so easy for you to say, because you’re winning, aren’t you?!
Doris: [ in disbelief ] Winning?!
Tom: I blame myself.
Steve: This isn’t a competition!
Janene: Oh. ..Said the winner!
Tom: [ slams his drink on the coffee table ] Maybe us losers should go home to our ugly baby that doesn’t have any teeth!
Janene: Yeah! It’s probably waking up around now, anyway!
Doris: [ outraged ] Oh, come on! Don’t be like that!
Janene: Like what? Sore losers?
Doris: I didn’t say that..
Janene: You implied it.
Tom: Your baby’s better than our baby! Is that what you wanted to hear?! YOUR BABY’S BETTER THAN OUR BABY!!!
Janene: Okay.. okay.. now, look, you see? Are you happy now? Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted! Can we go home now, please?!
Tom: I blame myself..
[ they exit ]
Steve: Let ’em go, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay..
Doris: Wow! I didn’t know they were gonna be like that!
Steve: That’s okay.. we’ll meet another couple with a baby.
Doris: [ chuckles ] Not with a baby that ugly!
Steve: Yeah! Our baby did look great next to that thing they call a baby!
Doris: Amen!
[ fade ]
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 20: Episode 1
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
September 24th, 1994
Steve Martin
Eric Clapton
Brian Austin Green
Roger Clemens
Bobby Bonilla
Jack McDowell Clinton AuditionsSummary: Chris Farley, David Spade, Chis Elliot, Adam Sandler and Tim Meadows resort to standard shtick in their auditions for the President Bill Clinton impression after Phil Hartman leaves “SNL.”
Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.
Transcript
Montage
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: After his joke about the many soups at the supermarket, Steve Martin steps outside of himself to examine what went wrong.
Also Hosted: 76e, 76n, 77a, 77i, 77r, 78d, 79a, 79s, 86f, 87a, 88t, 91i, 05l.
Transcript
H.H.T. Home Headache TestSummary: Take a simple test to find out if you really have a headache.
Transcript
Court TVSummary: Scattered highlights of the O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) trial.
Recurring Characters: Terry Moran, O.J. Simpson.
Transcript
Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty CreamSummary: The formula Steve Martin uses to keep his penis shiny and beautiful.
Recurring Characters: Terry Moran, O.J. Simpson.
Transcript
Total Bastard Airlines IISummary: Transferred to new flight, Steward (David Spade) is still a jerk.
Recurring Characters: Steward.
Eric Clapton performs “I’m Tore Down”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Laura Kightlinger relates some recent life lessons she’s learned. Rock critic Gil Graham (Adam Sandler) disccuses recent concerts he attended.
Recurring Characters: Gil Graham.
Transcript
The Ron Wood ShowSummary: Mumbling Ron Wood (Mike Myers) covers little ground in interviews.
Recurring Characters: Ron Wood, Whoopi Goldberg.
Buck DanielsSummary: Country singer (Michael McKean) puts the life of Buck Daniels (Steve Martin) into song.
Transcript
Nut-Rific Ad CampaignSummary: Poor lyric choice gives candy bar jingle a negative flavor.
Recurring Characters: Gil Graham.
Transcript
Eric Clapton performs “Five Long Years”
Super Sports ToursSummary: Striking baseball players will make appearances on an exciting cruise.
Transcript
BabiesSummary: Parents (Chris Farley, Janene Garafalo) compare babies with other couple.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 20: 1994-1995]]>
Starring:
Featuring:
Episodes
SummaryWhen Phil Hartman left “Saturday Night Live” at the end of the previous season, it was in good spirits, though he did compare his departure to getting off of a “sinking ship.” His statement was far from incorrect, for “SNL” reached its unfunniest moments since the doomed 1980 season. But whereas 1980 was filled with unknown performers who were unwelcomed by the original cast’s audience, 1994 was filled with well-known “SNL” veterans who were sailing on weak material. Even newcomers like Chris Elliot, Janene Garafalo, Mark McKinney, and Laura Kightlinger couldn’t do anything to save the show this season.
Among the season’s foul-ups: Garofalo quit the show in a state of fury over the sudden lack of on-air professionalism surrounding her; long-time featured player Al Franken became furious when his Stuart Smalley movie didn’t get good reviews at the box office; and Chris Farley, Adam Sandler and David Spade weighed down nearly every sketch with bad performances.
One true highlight of the season took place when up-and-coming castmember Norm MacDonald took over the long-running “Weekend Update” segment with his take on the “fake news”, premiering with his all-time favorite celebrity, O.J. Simpson. Cameo appearances were made by former President George Bush, as well as the notorious Joey Buttafuaco. And, after sixteen years of being asked, John Travolta finally hosted the show, taking the opportunity to parody every important production he’s ever starred in.
93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
… Kevin Nealon
… Norm MacDonald
… Adam Sandler
Captain Jim … Tim Meadows
[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!
[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable inhis seat as his image continues to rotate on thescreen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevinat the desk.]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.
Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executedthis week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other deadclowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse….
Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated CircuitAppeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. SupremeCourt. Asked about his plans after being passed over,a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he’ll immediatelystop paying his servants Social Security benefits….
A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay’scaned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars…. Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sittingon a gold mine. … Yeah.
In medical news, it’s been reported that a cardiacarrest victim was recently revived with the aid of acommon toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton’shealth care plan CAN work. …
In other medical news, scientists have discovered thata man can be frozen in a state of suspended animationfor up to five years without losing his job at thepost office. … [some applause]
Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues todominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight’sHomophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondentand homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers andapplause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit andtie]
Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing againsthomosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better orworse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to beafraid of them. It’s no big deal.
Now, I’m here to talk tonight about this so-calledWhitewater scandal. Unless you’ve been living in acave for the past year, I’m sure you’re familiar withevery tedious and confusing detail. Does the mediareally believe that the American people CARE aboutsome land deal that took place over fifteen years–?Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little roomhere?
Kevin Nealon: What?
Norm Macdonald: I’m tryin’ to do thisWhitewater thing, you know, you’re kindaclose.
Kevin Nealon: You’re sitting exactly where allthe Update correspondents sit, Norm.
Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well,that works out good for you then, doesn’t it? …Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues]Anyways, my point is that I think it’s about time themedia began giving the same kind of coverage to issueslike health care that– [suddenly, to Kevin] Did youjust move closer to me?!
Kevin Nealon: What? No. I’m–
Norm Macdonald: It looks like you’recloser!
Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I’m in precisely thesame place. Now, just get on with youreditorial.
Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just sharea chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in thesame chair? Maybe that’d be best. Save on chairs! Thatcould be your new policy! … Man. [continues]Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should notshape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And Ithink that, in the case of Whitewater, the public issaying loudly and clear– [suddenly, to Kevin] Can Ihelp you?!
Kevin Nealon: What? …
Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can helpyou with?
Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I’ve hadabout enough of this, all right? So why don’t you justdo me a favor and finish your editorial?Please.
Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you coulddo me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe youcould, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else’s eyes forfive seconds? Would that be all right? … [continues]Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an importantrole in this society and that has been the role ofwatchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watchingthe watchdog? I mean, we – we all know who’s watchin’my crotch, right? It’s … buddy boy over here. [jerksa thumb at Kevin] But, uh … No president has everundergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has.I wonder how well any of us would fare if our liveswere placed under the magnifying glass– [suddenly, toKevin] I thought you were married orsomething!
Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look,Norm, I’ve had – I’ve had it. Obviously, you’reimplying something about my sexuality and I – I – I -Why don’t you just come right out and say it?
Norm Macdonald: No, I’m not implyin’ anything.I’m talkin’ about Whitewater. I’m not implyin’anything. Why don’t you just go over some of your fakenews and I’ll finish up here?
Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don’t – don’t thinkso, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Bea man.
Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I’m a man. Iam a man. I am a man. I’m just sayin’ that, uh… you’re kinda that way, right? I mean, there’snothin’ wrong with it but you’re, you know, youprefer your own gender, that’s all. You –partake of the love that dare not speak itsname, right? … That’s all right. That’s noproblem. I mean, you find the idea of being with awoman abhorrent to your very core. That’s okay.You know, you’re homosexual, right? You’re gay. Imean, you’re – you’re – you’re a gay man,right?
Kevin Nealon: No.
Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou dothprotest too much. …
Kevin Nealon: Look, why don’t you justleave?
Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!
Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald,everybody.
[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadlyand watches Norm roll off.]
Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of thesun is over. You may once again stare directly at thesun. …
New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at aconference when a businesswoman proclaimed that shewas imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomofurther by filing sexual harassment charges….
[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-upthat makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson inthe film “Batman”] And the Joker is back at it againin Gotham. … [applause]
[Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well,the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-secondanniversary this week. As a surprise, they called inall their tow truck drivers for a big party. Thedrivers said they’d be there right away, then showedup three hours later. …
Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanemawas actually short and pale and old and homely….
In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crimerate in the United States dropped by three percentlast year. Experts attribute the drop to an extendedEuropean tour – [photo of smiling rap artist] – byTupac Shakur. …
Spike Lee’s “Crooklyn” opened yesterday. Reviews wereso positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel — “TheCronx.” …
This just in. Fabio has officially entered hisfourteenth minute of fame. … Congratulations, Fabio.[applause]
[Kevin glances at side by side photos of “HawaiiFive-O” actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter JamesTaylor] Lord and Taylor. …
Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for thesummer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler.Adam?
[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smilingAdam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt,holding his acoustic guitar.]
Adam Sandler: How ya doin’? Thank you. Allright. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin’up, always meant one thing — fallin’ in love. And,uh, as we all know, love doesn’t always work out. Butwhat keeps us goin’ is the hope that someday it will.Here’s a little song about that.
[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly beforesinging the song in his usual high-pitchedvoice]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Summer of ’68, we’d walk on the beach and watch thesea gulls fly.
Sunlight in her hair, her eyes were bluer than thesummer sky.
She’d hold me in her arms and tell me everything wouldbe all right.
But why’d she have to be my mother? …
Why’d she have to be married to my dad? …
Why’d she have to be my mother?
We could have been so much more
But she said it was best if we were just friends….
Oh Summer Love!
Summer of ’71 — my second love — we met on the fieldbehind the school.
We used to play all the day in the sun, no one evermade me feel that cool.
I’ll never forget the way she looked in those silkyshorts that day.
But why’d she have to be my gym teacher? …
Why’d she have to be fifty-one years old? …
Why’d she have to be my gym teacher?
I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever
But she told me I should see the school psychologist….
Oh Summer Love!
In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In ’82, it was a lady rabbi.
In ’83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME – HE TOLD ME ALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!
[high-pitched crooning]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro’s partnerCaptain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to thecamera:]
Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] SummerLove! …
[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]
Adam Sandler: [sings]
Summer of ’94 is comin’ fast and I don’t want to spendit alone.
I’ve made some mistakes when I was young, but I’mgonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin’ outwith all along.
I’m gonna go out with my mother. …
I know what I said before but I think I can talk herinto it now. …
I’m gonna go out with my mother!
I’ll take her on a date to Burger King and this timeI’ll pay. …
Oh, Summer Love!!!!
[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer,everybody!
[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]
Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies andgentlemen.
Adam Sandler: Thank you.
Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.
Adam Sandler: Thank you.
[Sandler rolls off, the crowd stillapplauding.]
Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] Hismother is pretty hot. …
On the reproductive front, researchers say the numberone cause of pregnancy is sex. … Interesting,interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minuteslater. …
According to a study by the National Academy ofSciences, queen bees are born with the ability to giveaccurate directions. However, male worker bees refuseto ask for them. … [loud cheers from a few womenplus some applause]
[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes thatenclose their heads] The country’s first singles barfor really ugly people opened this week. …
And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned thenew beer called “Crazy Horse Malt Liquor” because itsname offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-basedbusiness says this will have no impact on their newline of flavored Manishevitz called “Jew Brew.”…
I’m Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That’s news tome.
[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fadeout.]
Submitted Anonymously
93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson
So Long, Farewell
…..Phil Hartman
Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Tori Spelling…..Melanie Hutsell
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jay Mohr
…..Sarah Silverman
…..Norm MacDonald
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Zoraida…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
…..Michael McKean
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
[ open on Phil Hartman stading alone on a darkened Home Base ]
Phil Hartman: Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the “Saturday Night Live” family singers.
[ the remaining cast members and featured players enter Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters – except for Kevin Nealon, Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman and Norm MacDonald, who appear as themselves ]
[ singing ]
All:
“So long, farewell!
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”
Lucy & Kristy:
“We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”
[ Lucy and Kristy lock hands and dance away from Home Base giggling ]
All:
“So long, farewell!
We must be stealing.”
Tori Spelling: Watch “90210”.
Ike Turner: “I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.”
[ Ike and Tori hug Kevin, as they dance away from Home Base ]
All:
“So long, farewell!
We’d like to give you more.”
Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald:
“We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.”
[ Sarah Silverman hops on Jay Mohr’s back, as they and Norm MacDonald dance away from Home Base ]
All:
“So long, goodbye
It’s time to say farewell.”
Linda Richman:
“I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.”
[ Linda Richman dances away from Home Base ]
All:
“So long, farewell!
We have to bid adieu.”
Zoraida:
“What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?”
[ Zoraida flaps hwer skirt and dances away from Home Base ]
All:
“So long, farewell!
To say goodbye is sad.”
Richmeister & Pat:
“We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.”
[ Richmeister & Pat dance away from Home Base ]
All:
“So long, farewell!
We’ll wake up bright and early.”
Michael McKean: [ dressed as Lenny ]
“I don’t have a character yet
But I was on ‘Laverne & Shirley’.”
[ Michael McKean dances away from Home Base ]
Matt Foley: [ alone at Home Base, tired and beat ]
“So long.. farewell!
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need.. to sleep..
In a van.. down by the.. river.”
[ Matt slowly and defeatedly takes his seat on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits down and wraps his arm around Matt ]
Phil Hartman: [ to audience ] You know.. I can’t imagine a more dignifed way.. to end my eight years on this program.
[ singing ]
“Good-bye.. good-bye..
Good-byeeeeeeee!”
[ spotlight centers on Phil and Matt, as camera zooms out to fade ]
Amazing Time Savers
Janet Miles…..Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden…..Mike Myers
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Rob Schneider
Caller #4…..Adam Sandler
[ open on the set of the “Amazing Time Savers” infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]
Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to “Amazing Time Savers”, your home shopping connection. I’m Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today’s show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I’m gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!
[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]
Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?
Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.
Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?
Janet Miles: I’d say you’re a few bricks shy of a load!
[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]
Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I’m not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I’m going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?
[ the audience claps ]
Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?
Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.
Janet Miles: Well, we’ve heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this “easy direction” stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?
Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet’s statements ] Uh.. they’re, uh.. they’re, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..
Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?
[ the audience relunctantly claps ]
Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that’s it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].
Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let’s take some phone calls! I’m sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!
Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!
Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You’re on “Timesaver”!
Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..
Janet Miles: Isn’t it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!
Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!
Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don’t order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it’s made here in America, isn’t it?
Richard Hayden: Yes.. It’s.. it’s an American appliance that makes Italian food.
Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That’s great! Because, if you’re like me, you’re tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it’s a Jap product. They’re taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it’s even sneakier, you know?
Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it’s made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what’s the best part? The price!
Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It’s durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?
Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It’s much less.. it’s $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..
Janet Miles: I know. Let’s take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you’re on “Time Savers”!
Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]
Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!
Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I’m gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!
Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don’t you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn’t buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we’ll see you, next time on “Amazing Time Savers”!
[ fade ]
93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson
Andy Rooney
Ed Bradley … Tim Meadows
Andy Rooney … Norm MacDonald
[Bumper for CBS’ TV newsmagazine “60 Minutes”: aticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent EdBradley addressing the camera.]
Ed Bradley: As the old refrain goes, “Peoplewho need people are the luckiest people in the world.”And then – there’s Andy Rooney.
[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator AndyRooney who sits at the desk in his office, with hisjacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing thecamera in his irritatingly snide, cadencedvoice.]
Andy Rooney: People are everywhere nowadays. Itseems like you can’t go anywhere without bumping intosome people. People follow you when you’re shopping.They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they askyou what time it is. People never know what time itis. They have to ask you.
There are over four billion people in the world.That’s a lot of people. And I suppose most people likeeach other all right. But I don’t. Idon’t like people and I never have. Iguess that makes me bad.
Advertisers are always using people to help sell theirproducts. [holds a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakescereal] Here’s something called corn flakes. It’s gota picture of some people on the box. I guess we’resupposed to think, “Well, these people likecorn flakes. I guess I will, too.” [sets box aside]But I don’t think that. I don’t like people. And Idon’t like pictures of people either.
There’s even a magazine now about people. [holds up acopy of People Magazine with a photo of ClintEastwood on the cover] It’s called “PeopleMagazine.” This issue has a picture of somefellow’s head on the cover. I’ll bet that’s a goodarticle. [sets magazine aside]
Here’s a box of letters from different people. [dumpsa large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there’snothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.[picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up tothe camera, one at a time] Here’s one from -Washington. This one’s from – Ohio. Here’s one from -North Dakota.
Here’s one from – Paris, Texas. Now, I don’t knowwhere Paris, Texas is – but I do knowthis — I’m getting pretty tired of cities inTexas naming themselves after cities in France.
Here’s one from Chicago. This one’s from Iowa. Here’sone from Iowa, too. Here’s one from Montana. Thisone’s from someplace called “Kansas City.” Here’s onefrom Montana. Here’s one from Arizona. This one’s fromLas Vegas. Here’s one from Virginia – and here’sanother one – from West Virginia. This one’sfrom Indiana. I don’t know where this one’sfrom – but it’s yellow and has a big stamp on it. Thisone’s from Colorado. Here’s one from Michigan.
I receive about one hundred of these letters everysingle day. I never open them. I don’t likeopening them. I set fire to them.
Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters toput it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and Idump it out of my window on the people below. Peopledon’t like that much. But I like doing it to them. Isuppose that makes me bad.
[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing thecamera.]
Ed Bradley: We’ll be back next week withanother edition of “60 Minutes.”
Submitted Anonymously