Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Election Night

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Dave Chapelle

Larry… Chris Rock

[Starts with a group of people watching the Election Night on TV]

Announcer: This is election night in America. [marking Tuesday AT 6 PM]

Vanessa: I can’t believe after all this, it’s gonna finally be over.

Beck: I don’t know. We’ll see. Trump’s already got lawyers to fight the results.

Aidy: Okay, don’t even joke about that. Or I will leave. [giggling]

Cecily: Guys, we’re about to have our first woman president. Like, this is gonna be a historic night.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, it might be a historic night but just don’t forget it’s a big country.

[Time marking 6:thirty PM]

Cecily: My friend at the Huffington Post said she wins by five points.

Vanessa: Oh, I don’t know, my friend at Slate says she’ll win by three.

Aidy: Oh, well, she’ll definitely win the electoral college, fur sure, but I guess there is like a nightmare scenario where he wins the popular vote.

[Dave looks nervous by that news]

Dave: Really? That’s the nightmare scenario, huh?

Beck: Because of shifting demographics, there might never be another republican president in this country.

Dave: Word? You’ve ever been around this country before?

[Time marking 7 PM]

Male voice: We project Kentucky will go to Donald Trump.

Beck: Yeah, well, of course he won Kentucky. I mean, that’s where all the racists are.

[Dave is looking at Beck]

Dave: All of them are in Kentucky?

Vanessa: You know, she got Vermont.

Dave: [screaming] Oh, shit! Vermont? Three electoral votes? Now that’s power grab.

[time marking 7:thirty PM]

Cecily: Okay, this says, “Florida is too close to call.”

Aidy: Okay, no, no, it says, “Too early to call.” There’s only % in.

Beck: You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Florida is going blue. To Latinos!

All (except Dave): To Latinos.

[Dave looks confused]

[Time marking 8 PM]

Beck: Well, of course he’s gonna win Ohio. We knew that. But if we can get Pennsylvania, Florida and North Carolina, we don’t even need Ohio.

Dave: Then, if the Indians scored four more runs, they would have won the world series too, dude.

Vanessa: I’m gonna grab a xanax from the bedroom.

Aidy: Okay, grab me 6.

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m just gonna bring the whole bottle. How’s that?

[Time marking 8:thirty PM]

Beck: Look, early returns are always going to be republican because republicans go to sleep early. It’s just a fact.

Vanessa: I just talked to my brother in law at CBS, he says Trump’s gonna win Florida.

Dave: Word, um, I guess the Latinos didn’t hear about your toast.

[Time marking 10 PM]

[Larry walks in]

Larry: Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Aidy: Larry, Trump might actually win.

Larry: I mean, of course. What re you talking about?

Dave: I tried to tell them there.

Cecily: What is happening? Why are women even voting for him?

Larry: Yeah, I don’t get you ladies. I mean, the country is 55% women. I mean, if the country was 55% black, we’d have tons of black presidents. Flavor Flav would be a president.

[Time marking 11 PM]

Vanessa: Okay, um, all she has to do is come back and win Wisconsin, come back and win Michigan, come back and win Pennsylvania.

Cecily: Some of the counties– The urban counties– they’re so– Black people vote late.

Larry: Yeah, let’s hope there’s 100,000 of us in Green Bay. Those brothers love the packers.

[Time marking 12 AM]

Beck: You never know, guys. Alaska is still out there.

Male voice: We’re now calling Alaska for Donald Trump.

Cecily: Oh my god! I think America is racist.

Dave: Oh… my… god! [acting surprised] You know, I remember my great grandfather told me something like that. But you know, he was like a slave, or something.

Aidy: I just– I can’t believe it. Like, why aren’t people turning out for Hillary the way they did for Barack Obama?

Larry: I mean, maybe because you’re replacing a charismatic 40 year old black guy with a 70 year old white woman. I mean, that’s like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Niel Patrick Harris.

[Time marking 2 AM]

Male voice: And Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States.

Dave: Hey, you guys were right. It’s a historic night. Don’t worry about, 8 years are gonna fly by.

Larry: Yeah, don’t worry. It’s gonna be all white.

[Dave laughing]

Aidy: What about undocumented immigrants?

Dave: Oh, they’re not going nowhere. Come on! You act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries.

Cecily: This is crazy. I mean, do you even know what it’s like to be a woman in this country where you can’t get ahead no matter what you do.

Dave: Oh, geez. I don’t know. I’ll put my thinking cap on for that one and get back to you.

Larry: Ha-ha. Now, come on, guys. Get some rest. You got a lot of big day. You got a big day of moping and writing on Facebook tomorrow.

Beck: God! This is the most shameful thing America has ever done.

[Dave and Larry look at each other and laugh out loud]

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys. You know, I know it’s been a long time. It’s been a lone time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was gonna win the election. I did suspect it. Seem like Hillary was going well in the polls and yet, I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full surprising as it used to be. And I think I speak for all black American when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America has done it. We’ve actually elected an internet troll as our president. The whites are furious. Never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since O.J. There’s a split screen with white people on both sides, [screaming] Ah!!!

Man, I’m not saying I’m enjoying it. I’m just saying I have never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon on television the other night. News say they did $1 million worth of damage. Every black person was watching there like, “Amateurs!” So, I’m staying out of it. I’m just gonna be like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out amongst themselves. Because for us, we’ve been here before. We’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with, man. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings, what do you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. Worse. The worst mass shootings in the history of United States. Pulse nightclub which they said ISIS did. And then turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. Look, I’ve been going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account and bump a few guys off to throw them off the trail.

I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not same as being an ISIS. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna have sex with a girl and right before I did it, I screamed out “Wutang.” That doesn’t mean I’m in the Wutang Clan. I’m just shouting Wutang out.

More shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the god damn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla in my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, “Shooting that gorilla was a toughest decision this department ever had make.” I said, “Well, you ’bout to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.”

Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that ‘black lives matter’? Now, I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took ‘you deserve a break today’. And I guess it’s kind of catchy coz everyone else is biting it. Even the police bite it. ‘Blue lives matter.’ Well, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that suit off, find a new job, coz I’ma tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. The next best thing, I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think coz, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like, Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed, you’d say, “I’m sorry, nigga. You can’t come with us. There’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta-ta.”

Donald Trump, he did it. He is our president. And I feel bad to say that I’m staying at a Trump hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I’ma tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning and cleans my room and I just… “Hey, good morning, housekeeping”, grab big handful of pussy. “Boss said it was okay.” Sorry about that, Lorne.

All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected. “That’s it, bro. I’m out. I’m leaving the country. You coming with us?” “Na, I’m good dawg. I’m gonna stay here and get this tax break and see how it works out.” Coz that’s how it’s being Dave Chappelle. First time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. Most unlikely thing happened ever. This black president came out of nowhere like, “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” [screaming] “Oh, nigga! I just got this money! I didn’t even think it was possible.”

Trump went to go see Obama last week. You see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out the meeting? Trump got stunned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. He probably came in there, [mimicking Donald Trump and Barack Obama] “Hi, how are you Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How are you feeling?” “Oh god! Got to tell you. This job looks like its gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard. I mean, at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’ma a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on, man! Relax. You haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s gonna be alright.”

I don’t know what he’s gonna do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone. Do you agree with this? [audience whooping] And thank god he lived to tell about it. He was the first black dude that ever heard of America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If someone threaten our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. He’ll be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In the bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back killing four people had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out “Chi-town” for some reason.

You know, before I go, I do wanna say one thing. This is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this. Coz they’re marching up in streets right now as we speak. A few weeks ago, I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years. And it was very exciting. And BET had sponsored the party. So, everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates. I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop. Well, the corner of the bus stop used to be where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was really, really beautiful night. And at the end of the night, everyone went at the west wing of the White House. And there was a huge party. And everybody in there was black except for Bradley Cooper for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge, the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House. And it did happen again as far as I know until Franklin D. Roosevelt was president. When Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flat from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a nigger in this house again.” I thought about that and I looked at that room and I saw all those black faces and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. And it made me feel hopeful, and it made me proud to be an American, and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck and I’m gonna give him a chance and we, the historically disenfranchised demand that he give us 1–2. Thank you very much.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, A Tribe Called Quest is in the building. Don’t go anywhere, we will be right back.

Why Is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Benedict Cumburbatch

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At five it’s ‘Gimme Gimme Da Money Please Please I Want Da Money Please’. But first, it’s time for America’s newest game show.

[Cut to Beck Bennett walking in the stage]

Beck Bennett: Hello everyone. I’m your host Beck Bennett. And welcome to my brand new game show where I try to get to the bottom of something that’s been throwing me for a loop all week. Let’s meet today’s contestants.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Um, hi. I am Vanessa Bayer and I’m here because you asked me to be.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Ah! That’s right. Contestant number two.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi. I’m Aidy Bryant and Beck, what is this exactly?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: You’ll see. Contestant number three.

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: Hello. I’m Benedict Cumberbatch and I don’t remember this sketch at dress rehearsal.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Great. Thank you all for being here. And now it’s time to play ‘Why is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?’

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: Oh, Beck!

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Yeah, yeah. That’s right. Every girl in the cast has been so horny for this dude all week. So, as a guy I’m just kind of trying to figure that out. Alright, let’s get 30 seconds on the clock. Vanessa, tell me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to the contestants]

Vanessa Bayer: Like, right now? In front of him?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Yes, please.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Okay. Well, it’s not like, his face per say. I mean it is. But it’s like– okay. It’s more like, um, the way his body and how he like– well– not his body body but like, this thing, when I see him, I just wanna like [screaming] “Uh!” and this just goes crazy.

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Time’s up. And that was not answered, Vanessa.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: You didn’t let me finish. And I was a very close–

Benedict Cumburbatch: [interrupting] Vanessa, no!

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Okay. Aidy, you’re up. Explain to me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, does my answer have to be in English?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Why?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Because my feelings would be best described using a series of noises. Sort of like, ‘heh-heh-heh-, arrrrr, aoooh, god!’

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Are we looking at the same dude? What the frick! Okay, Benedict, you’re up. 30 seconds on the clock. Tell me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: What? Well, I mean, honestly I don’t know either. I mean, you know, some people say that I look a bit like hammer head shark.

Beck Bennett: Ha-ha. Yeah, yeah.

Benedict Cumburbatch: You know, a lizard man.

Beck Bennett: Also great.

Benedict Cumburbatch: And I sort of think I look a little bit like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.

Beck Bennett: [laughing] Totally, you do.

Benedict Cumburbatch: But I guess it doesn’t really matter because Glamour magazine named me one of the sexiest man alive. So…

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Alive? On the planet? What the… Oh! Oh! You know what? Wait. I think I figured it out. I just need to ask you a follow up question and I need to whisper it.

[Beck Bennett walks to Benedict Cumburbatch and whispers in his ears]

Benedict Cumburbatch: No, I guess average sized.

[whispers in his ears again]

Yeah, the balls too.

Beck Bennett: Dammit!

[buzzer sound]

Hmm, okay. It’s time for round two. I’m gonna put a photos of Benedict next to someone we would say a more classically handsome American man. And you tell me who is hotter. Vanessa, is Benedict the hot one?

[The game screen shows a photo of Benedict Cumberbatch laughing hard.]

Or… is it the smothering mystery man with the juicy, juicy pink lips?

[A picture of Beck Bennett himself slides in the screen]

Those lips look pretty juicy.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Um, it’s Benedict.

Beck Bennett: Okay, take your time.

Vanessa Bayer: I don’t want to. It’s Benedict.

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Dammit Vanessa. Okay, Aidy, your turn. Who is hotter? Benedict, or this guy?

[The game screen shows Benedict Cumberbatch’s funny looking photo and Beck Bennett’s photo of showing his muscles.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, well, one guy is making kind of like a weird face. So, I’m gonna go with Benedict.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: What? But the other guy is the V. Look, he has got it.

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: No, listen, Beck. I know it’s not my turn but I would say out of those two photographs, you have the hotter one.

Beck Bennett: What?

Benedict Cumburbatch: Yeah. It’s goofy in mine and you’re in shape and you look very handsome in your’s. You know?

Beck Bennett: I do?

Benedict Cumburbatch: Yeah. I mean, you’ve got nice abs and your skin looks good and smooth and even. You’re also funny and charming. It’s super nice, until this sketch. But you know, I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you this week and I hope we could do it again.

[Cut to Beck Bennett all blushing]

Beck Bennett: Oh my god! Bennie! Wow, you are striking and charming. And when you look at me, I feel truly seen.

[right answer bells]

Yes! Yes! I get it. I get why he’s hot. I win my own game. Join me next week for my new game show… ‘Am I hotter Than Kyle Mooney?’

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Um, no. Kyle is my number one.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: What? Really?

Weekend Update The Voice

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, finally it’s a very special night here on Weekend Update because with us tonight are the winners of Weekend Update’s first ever, the Voice contest. Now, let’s meet those winners right now.

[Cut to Weekend Update’s The Voice video bumer]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che standing with four other gentlemen. The other gentlemen are facing backwards]

Michael Che: Now, why don’t you guys introduce yourselves to the audience and the viewers at home?

[First gentleman turns around]

Anthony: I’m Anthony Russo.

[Second gentleman turns around]

David: I’m David Ross.

[Third gentleman turns around]

Dexter: And I’m Dexter Fowler.

[Fourth gentleman turns around]

Bill: I’m Bill Murray.

Colin Jost: Okay. Aright. Alright, now– [audience won’t stop cheering] alright– alright– now– now– now– okay– guys, we have a contest. Guys, can you please put into words what it feels like to be named the first winners of Weekend Update’s The Voice contest?

Anthony: It’s unbelievable.

David: I can’t describe it.

Dexter: This is the best thing we’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: And now, I have to ask. You in the end, you look familiar. Did you use to work here?

Bill: I did.

Michael Che: I knew it. I knew it.

Bill: But that was so many life times ago. Right now, for me, it’s all about music.

Colin Jost: I see. And, um, what song is it that you’ll be performing.

Bill: it’s an original composition entitled ‘Go Cubs Go’.

Colin Jost: That sounds fantastic.

[many other join them]

Michael Che: Wait a second. Who are these guys?

Bill: They are back up singers. We didn’t know it was against the rules.

Colin Jost: We’ll overlook it. Take it away guys.

[Colin Jost and Michael Che leave and they start to perform]

[music playing]

Bill: Baseball season’s underway

Dexter: Well you better get ready for a brand new day

David: Hey Chicago, what do you say?

Anthony: The Cubs are gonna win today

All: They’re singing go Cubs go

go, cubs, go
hey, Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are gonna win today

Bill: They got the power, they got the speed

All: To be the best in the national league

Well, this is the year and the Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley field

We’re singing now, go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are World Champs today

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

All: Go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?

Weekend Update on the Final Days of the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Thank you for joining us. This is the last weekend update before the presidential election. Are you excited Michael?

Michael Che: Hello, no.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well…

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November 2016 at left top corner.]

The election is only three days away now. But remember, it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him. We thought this election was over two weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap [picture changes to a bag that has ’emails’ written on it] on our doorstep and ran away. They gave us no clue about all these emails and what they’re about. Hillary could be involved, or maybe not. It could be full treason or just a casual chat about yoga. We don’t know. The FBI basically sent us this emoji. [Picture changes to an expressionless emoji] What do we do with that?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that it will take the FBI well pass the election to get though all 650,000 emails, which just seems ridiculous to me. I mean, the fastest way to get through that emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days later when you ask where she wants to eat, she’s gonna be like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And of course, this all involves this idiot. [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Because a Weiner always pops up at the worst possible time. He had 650,000 emails in his computer, and that’s just the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on that old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboard.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It is fascinating to see the double standard. I mean, just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, “Why did I even throw those emails out?” That’s like giving up weed for job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. It doesn’t make sense.

You know what? If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and just hand them over to the FBI right now. Like, here you go. 31,000 hilarious emails about me grabbing Donald and calling Chinese people Ninja Turtles.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as first lady she would fight against bullying on social media, and we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Sad, fake and gay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump also received the endorsement of official newspaper of the KKK. What are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, “Now Earl, hear me out, but what if this time we endorse the white man?” Also, this is the first time I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper and I absolutely subscribed. I just want to see if there’s a sports section.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and fireworks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked election night fireworks display over the Hudson river. Either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded. Too real? She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night what they’re calling an Avenger line up, of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call me an Avengers, because it just makes us think about which Avenge Hillary is. And girl, you Hawk Eye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But no matter who wins this election, [patriotic music playing in the background] we can’t let political parties and media divide us, okay? We’re not different. We’re all the same. We have basic needs. We have the same basic wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we’ll never wear but we’ll never throw away. We all have that one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say “You too” when our daily guys says, “Hey, have a good show, man!” And then walk away mumbling to ourselves like, “Why am I so stupid?” Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion. It doesn’t matter. Because some day, we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a US flat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions, like serving McDonalds breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonalds breakfast all day. And I know, right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin that long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter. The Russian teenagers who hack into our voting machines.

Weekend Update Church Lady

Colin Jost

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A Catholic church in San Diego has warned parishioners that they will go to hell if they vote for democrats. Here to comment on the state of the election, it’s Church Lady.

[Church Lady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Hi. Hello, Colin. thank you for having me on your little midnight show.

Colin Jost: It’s so nice to have you.

Church Lady: What delightful job you have.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Church Lady: Instead of resting up for church, you’re staying up late making naughty jokes about Anthony’s weiner. Not quite the path of Jesus, is it?

Colin Jost: Well, I think that Jesus appreciates a good joke, doesn’t he?

Church Lady: Jesus loves a good joke. So that would leave you out of the equation, wouldn’t it, Colin?

Colin Jost: I thought we had some fun jokes, you know? They were alright.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Colin Jost: Alright. So, what are your thoughts about this election?

Church Lady: Well, it’s a tough choice we have on Tuesday, don’t we, Colin? Do we vote for a bitter female android from the 90s? Or riverboat gambler with a big tummy and an orange head?

Colin Jost: So, you have not chosen a candidate yet?

Church Lady: Jesus is not on the ballet, Colin. I suppose he’s not part of your life either, is he? Because like everyone else in Hollywood, you’re a homosexual.

[audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Why are you laughing? I’m actually not gay.

[Church Lady giggling]

Church Lady: Your’e too good, dear Jost. Colin, really. Seriously, that is so funny. Stay there. Stay in the cover, Mr. Good.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Church Lady: Colin, by my count, there are only three celebrities left who aren’t homosexual. Jim Parsons, Niel Patrick Harris and wonderful Nathan Lane.

Colin Jost: Actually, all of them are gay. Yeah, that’s–

Church Lady: Oh! News flash.

Colin Jost: Why don’t we just focus on the election? Can we stay in election?

Church Lady: Yeah, let’s just stay real micro managed right now. Focus. Tuesday. Yes. Absolutely. Who are you gonna support, Colin?

Colin Jost: Me?

Church Lady: I suppose you’re gonna write in your favorite candidate… Satan!

Colin Jost: Well…

Church Lady: I surprised you, didn’t I? I just jumped at you. Don’t make me do it again.

Colin Jost: No. I’m not voting for Satan.

Church Lady: Oh! Well, well, well. You know, you’re just a late night comic with a belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I’m not drunk.

Church Lady: Yes, you are.

Colin Jost: Maybe a little buzz.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Smoking the pot now, are we? Sucking on the devil’s cigarette. That must be why you’re not the crispiest chip in the bag.

Colin Jost: Look, is there anything out there right now that you do like?

Church Lady: West World. Yes.

Colin Jost: You like– I love that show. I’m surprised you like it.

Church Lady: What’s not to like, Colin? A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood. Too soon?

[Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It just seems like everything in the world you think is just in such a bad state.

Church Lady: You know what? You know what? I never lost hope, Colin. And what a lovely country we have here. Sometimes I look around, I think to myself, “What a wonderful world.”

Colin Jost: Oh, no. You’re not gonna sing, are you?

[music playing]

[Cut to Church Lady]

Church Lady: [singing] I see skies are blue,
red roses too
I see them bloom
for me and you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself
what a wonderful world.

Colin Jost: Church Lady, everyone.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bear at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding. There were no survivors. [Picture changes to a syringe] A group of men were criticized for dropping out of a male birth control study because of side effects like headaches, mood swings and acne. See, this is why women should be in full control of all reproductive rights. Men are not going to take birth control because pregnancy just doesn’t affect our bodies. When a woman gets pregnant, she has to decide whether or not she wants a human being to grow inside of her. Meanwhile, I get nine months to decide whether to buy a stroller or a bus ticket. It’s usually stroller. Men wouldn’t care about side effects if it did something good for us. Like, Cialis could cause blindness and you still hear horny old blind dudes ratting around the streets looking for ass. And what women would even trust a dude that keep up with birth control? I mean, if a guy is responsible enough to keep up with his birth control, he wouldn’t need it coz he’d probably make a great father.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people on marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Something to think about. This Sunday is the New York city marathon. The marathon is a great chance for foreigners to practice running for their lives. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro]

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around]

[sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him]

[they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Office Hours

Mr. Buckley… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Buckley and Chad talking in the school office]

Mr. Buckley: You know, that’s alright. Um, I do think that is what they kind of intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore you and I…

Chad: Exist?

Mr. Buckley: Congratulations. You just used your first Cartesian Logic.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits.

Chad: Okay.

[Mr. Buckley and Chad shake their hands.]

[Mr. Buckley leans forward to kiss Chad]

Chad: No thanks.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, that was unbelievably inappropriate behavior Chad. I apologize. I just– I- I- I misread the moment.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I mistook your frequent visits here to mean something more.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

Mr. Buckley: No, it’s not your fault at all. Truth be told, I’m not being myself up late. [Stands and walks looking away] And this weekend, I’m getting married to a beautiful young lady.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Mr. Buckley: Yet, I feel nothing, Chad. Nothing!

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all part of daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girl from new port, become a professor and achieve 10 year by 40. God forbid! The great Lenard Buckley’s son should feel the love of another man!

[Mr. Buckley throws a globe away]

Chad: Another globe.

Mr. Buckley: I was drawn to you Chad because truth be told, I envy you. You’re a man who lives his life free from doubt and worry. I wanna be you Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, my word. This is so pathetic. Look at me. I’m a 28 year old professor’s assistant pouring my heart out to a sophomore student. Am I boring you?

Chad: Kind of.

Mr. Buckley: [looking at the ceiling] Argh! You can of course leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings. Though, I have to admit having an ear to bend makes a welcome–[door closing sound]

[Mr. Buckley looks around. Chad isn’t there.]

Chad?

[Mr. Buckley runs out of his office]

Chad? Chad?

[Chad is skating away. He turns around.]

Chad: Wad up?

Mr. Buckley: Would you mind just getting back here for a moment? There’s something else I wanted to say to you.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad skates towards Mr. Buckley’s office but he passes the door]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, you passed it.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Mr. Buckley and Chad getting in Mr. Buckley’s office]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, I hopefully can forget about my brief lack of self control today.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I truly hope that my actions haven’t tainted our friendship.

Chad: Ha-ha. Taint.

Mr. Buckley: And lastly Chad, I want to thank you because today you taught me. For a brief moment, I wasn’t spectator to my own life. I was living it.

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Mr. Buckley: You’re right, Chad. I should laugh more. Anyway, I’d appreciate if you kept what happened between us today a secret.

Chad: Okay.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Chad! What the hell? What’s taking so long?

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me.

Mikey: Okay! Are you hungry?

Chad: Uh-huh.

[Chad and Mikey leave]

Mr. Buckley: You’re so right, Chad. I shouldn’t keep my secrets in the dark. Thank you Chad.

[looking at Chad and Mikey skating on the streets. Chad falls over the garbage.]

Mikey: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Buckley: Thank you.

Chad: Okay!

Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan Fletcher… Kenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict]
Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict]

[Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out]

[David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling]

[The End]