SNL Tonight

Air Traffic Control | Season 44 Episode 11

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner in cockpit]

Mikey Day: Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t fly this plane.

Heidi Gardner: I’ll go see if the pilot is conscious. [Heidi leaves the cockpit]

Mikey Day: Okay. Try to get someone on the radio. Hello, hello. May day. May day.

Kate McKinnon:  Hello.

Mikey Day: Yes, hello.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon in air traffic control room]

Kate McKinnon: Yes, this is Glasgow Air Traffic Control. Are you in distress?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Yes. I’m not a pilot. I am part of Klie Jenner’s brand integration team. We’re on a private jet going to London for Kylie event. We hit bad turbulence and our pilot got knocked unconscious. But Kylie’s not on board. Thank god.

[Cut to Kate Mckinnon]

Kate McKinnon:I don’t know who that is, but it shounds like you’re going to have to land that plane. I’ll put you in very good hands. This man is the best, he’ll get you down. Just do exactly as he says.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. I’m ready.

[Cut to James McAvoy in air traffic control room]

James McAvoy: All right. [James McAvoy speaks with heavy accent that it’s hard to understand] I know you’re coming off walley up there. I’m going to have to skating faster than –- okay?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I’m going to get you down, but here’s what I need you to do first. Okay. Deep breath.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I just want you to take a deep breath. In, out, in, out.

[Cut to Mikey Day. Heidi Gardner is in the cockpit again.]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: What did he say?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

Mikey Day: Deep breath. Right? And you need to stay calm?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: What are they saying?

Mikey Day: He says I need a stakub?

Heidi Gardner: Okay, maybe there’s one in the cabin.[Heidi leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Listen to me very carefully. On the wee panel of switches in front of you, there’s a —size of a — What do you call it? [Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon] American cookie?

Kate McKinnon: Oreo cookie.

James McAvoy: Oreo? No, Keebler. All right. There’s a thing of a size of an Oreo cookie. I thought it was a Keebler. What’s to do that —

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Say again?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: The brown — that looks like an Oreo cookie? Where’s it coming ?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I got broom doo-da.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: No, the color. Brown.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Oh, brown.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: What’s the brown dooda coming in at?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m so sorry your accent is very thick. Is it possible to not have it? Over? [Heidi Gardner and Kenan Thompson enter the cockpit] Theyr’e speaking Scottish. And it’s very hard .

[Kenan sits on co-pilot’s seat]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let me handle this. I spent some time in Scotland so my ears are favorable to Scottish accent. This is Kylie’s branding director, let’s do this.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Good. Two is better than one. Tell me if you can –– goggles.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Nope. [Kenan stands and tries to leave]

Mikey Day: I need you. [Mikey doesn’t let Kenan go]

Kenan Thompson: Fine. Please tell me what I need to do.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

James McAvoy: You try.

Kate McKinnon: All right. Can you look out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Did I eat at Wendy’s? Never.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: All right, fine, I had Wendy’s last week. But don’t tell Kylie.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Let’s sit back man! We’re only going to get crack at this once. There’s a wee Jack on the dash. Can wee talk.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: No. [Kenan leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Oh, no. Oh, no. In the name of the wee man. Radar’s got you leaving Scottish Airspace. The connection is going crunchier than a bag of smashed chips.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay. We’re going to have to patch you over to Welsh Air Traffic Control. God speed to you guys.

[Cut to Mikey Day] [Heidi joins Mikey]

Heidi Gardner: What’s happening?

Mikey Day: I don’t know. I think we’re on our own.

Beck Bennett: Hello? Go for Wales Air Traffic Control.

Mikey Day: Maybe not. Good to hear your voice, Wales.

[Cut to Beck Bennett at his air traffic control room[

Beck Bennett: [Speaking foreign language]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: Just aim for water.

[Ends with video clip of flying airplane]

Charmin | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a clip of Plaza Mall]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant showing a commercial to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, and that was Charmin Toilet Paper [Cut to AidyBryant] Super Bowl commercial. Hut, hut, wipe. Now, my question for this focus group is, would the commercial you just saw make you want to go with Charmin?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[Kyle Mooney raises his hand]

Kyle Mooney: I just got to say, that commercial was incredible. I’m blown away.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, [Cut to Aidy Bryant] well we’re happy to hear that.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: So like, how’d you get them to do that?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Who?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Well, the bears, of course. Are they like actors or a real family?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, the bears aren’t real. They’re animated.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Ah, animated. Cause they’re animals. Makes sense to me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Anyone else have any thoughts?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[James McAvoy raises his hand]

James McAvoy: Yeah. I thought that the commercial was actually pretty good, [Cut to James McAvoy] but what about something like this? Bear wakes up after a night of raging, right? And bathroom is completely destroyed. Like Chernobyl. And bear’s like, if that’s on the walls, then what’s the deal with my ass? He checks it. It’s totally clean. Charmin’s done its job. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, wow! Very… Just very. Okay, but we aren’t looking for new commercial pitches, just your thoughts on the commercial you just saw. So yes, you sir?

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Well bravo, but perhaps one of the bears is an educated type. Leather bound book, such and so forth. Ladies panties steamed for him?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, we will think about that. Yes. You ma’am?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, couldn’t help but notice the bears were a family of whites?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, the bears aren’t white? They have no race. They’re bears.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: I know they’re white because I’m white. And it is my greatest shame. So chew on this. If I had it my way, I would have been born a wise old Asian man.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Well, how about checking this? Girl bear and boy bear are on date. And things are getting flirty under the table. And girl bear says, meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. She walks in there but the bean burrito that she just had starts destroying her, butt-wise. Alright. And then five minutes later, boy bear walks in, starts rocking her world like he’s got no idea that his lady just deuced it, because the booty is clean. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. She is speechless.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, not in 1 million years.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: I feel like that’s kind of naughty, and also how do you even get the bears to do that, I was thinking?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. The TV screen has a picture of a Charmin bear.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is an image from the commercial, so why don’t you tell me one word comes to mind? Just one word?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Privilege. White. Generational wealth. Cape cod.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Again, one word. Just one word.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay that’s actually very good.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy deuce. Came out clean like an angel. She doesn’t even need to wipe, but she still does as a victory lap, Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Well, I don’t know, honey, it’s yous guy’s bear.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Um, perhaps one of the bears is a captain in the new world, [Cut to Kenan Thompson] and he meets a young native woman, and he teachers her the gentle tongue, and in return she does the forbidden dance of her people. Ooh la, la, la. Ooh la, la, la.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Okay, no. My turn. Alright, bear sits down on a public toilet, right. And the automatic flush goes off while he’s still got his ass on the seat. Alright? So bear gets sucked down into the underworld. Full of pee pee and poo poo creatures. Hideouts things, right? And he has to fight his way back up into the surface world, because it’s his wedding right? And bear finally makes it out, runs to the alter, sees his wife, but check this, she’s one of them, a doo doo creature. Sick body though. They kiss. Charmin.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[Everyone claps]

Kenan Thompson: Incredible man. Great job, dude.

James McAvoy: Thank you.

Kyle Mooney: That should be the commercial.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m going to go ahead, and cut this thing short because it’s been bad and very unhelpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: When do we get our free Charmins, because I needed it like yesterday.

[Ends with a clip of Plaza Mall]

Weekend Update Vatican App | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘praying app’ at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: The Vatican has released a new app called Click to pray that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with the Pope Francis, replacing the current app for catholic prayers, [The picture changes to Grinder app] Grinder.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of University of Oklahoma logo at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using the racial slur. What these kids need more than anything is more school, right? I mean, if you hurt somebody in jail, they don’t send you home, they give you more jail. Same idea. Every time these kids do something racist, they should have to spend another year in an even blacker school. They might not like black people after that, but they will be respectful.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of valentines heart shaped candies at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A company that creates the traditional valentine’s day sweetheart candies has gone out of business and will not make them this year. But they had to know they weren’t going to survive long in the #metoo era with candy that says ‘let’s get busy’, ‘squeeze me’ and then all caps demand for consent. [The picture changes to a heart shaped candy saying ‘Say Yes’]

A volunteer at a zoo [The picture changes to Orangutan] in Ohio had his thumb ripped off by an orangutan. So who loves bananas and had three thumbs? This guy.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Beer Spa at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A bar in Iceland opened a beer spa, it includes hot tubs filled with beer. The owners came up with the idea when they thought, there has to be faster way to get a yeast infection.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of UK flag, picture of a woman on skirt and a mobile phone at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Lawmakers in the UK have passed the law banning people from taking upskirt pics of people of people without their knowledge. Great news for [Picture of James McAvoy on his monologue wearing a kilt] tonight’s host.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Well, he says he wants it for border security.

Cathy Anne: This is basically a wall, right? Let me tell you something. [Cathy gets on the news table] He wants $5 billion for this. Hey! All right, now I did that with two ribs missing.

Michael Che: You you two ribs missing?

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy Anne: Yeah, I had them taken out because of that Marilyn Manson thing. Apparantly, it’s two ribs if you’re a girl. Spoiler alert, it don’t work. You can’t reach. [Cathy starts smoking]

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Why, Kathy Anne? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know the only thing a wall can stop, Michael Che? A penguin. Right? [Cut to Cathy] They got those little wings and fat bodies and flipper feet, they can’t fly, they can’t dig. They ain’t getting past the wall. You know, they just keep bumping into it like a Roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You have a thing against penguins?

Cathy Anne: Yes, I do. Let me tell you something. [Cut to Cathy] This man held people’s pay checks hostage for 35 days for that wall. And then he caved. And he’s pretending like he won. You didn’t win. Just like when I held the bathroom hostage at Arby’s for two days. I didn’t leave because I won. Okay? I left because they threw a smoke bomb through the window and my jeans caught fire. He never got his wall, and I never got to hear Ving Rhames say, “We have your meat, Kathy Anne”.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: That’s all you wanted?

Cathy Anne: Hey, stay focused. We have to have priorities here. Okay? [Cut to Cathy] Mexico ain’t the main reason for Dopiods. We got them through doctors and pharmaceuticals and stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now, who’s going to check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you ain’t paying them for five weeks. And how about food detectors?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You mean, the FDA?

Cathy Anne: Yes. Okay, and may I remind you, this is after everybody in the country got the runs from eating freaking salad, twice. [Cut to Cathy]  I thought I had it, right? But then I remembered, I don’t eat salad. That’s just my organs. And then, to top all that off, you have to mess with our military, by banning people from service just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts? Well, let me tell you something, nobody’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting. You want to see?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Hell, no.

Cathy Anne: That’s all right. The point is, he is an addict when it comes to that wall. And I would know, because – I – [Cut to Cathy] and if his addiction is anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s going to lie to you, steal from your purse, and end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes until he gets his wall. Take it from me, Catherine Annette Vanderbilt.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne everybody.

Weekend Update: Soulja Boy on the Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Soulja Boy… Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: The president and congress reached a deal to end the longest shutdown in history. I don’t really have all the answer. So here to comment is the only person keeping it totally real right now, rapper, pioneer, entrepreneur, Soulja Boy.

[Soulja Boy joins Michael Che]

Soulja Boy: What’s up? What’s happening, check, check.

Michael Che: Soulja, thanks for joining us. So I guess, what are your thoughts on shutdown?

Soulja Boy: I don’t know nothing about that.

Michael Che: Really? Well, the government was shut down for 35 days. Workers weren’t paid.

Soulja Boy: Man, for real? I got to fix this. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to run for president.

Michael Che: What?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, Soulja Boy, crank that, 2020.

Michael Che: Soulja, you can’t be for real. You think have you what it takes to beat Donald Trump?

Soulja Boy: Trump? Trump? That dude that got bodied by the — the dude that got beef when Nancy Peloski? Trump? Man, Che, get out of here, I hear you.

Michael Che: So you really think you got what it takes?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Che, I’m telling you bro, without big soldiers, there wouldn’t be no Trump. I’m the first one to hustle my way to the top.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What hustle, Soulja?

Soulja Boy: Who else out here hustling the video game market?

Michael Che: Oh, that’s right, you came out with your own console, the Soulja Game. Isn’t that a Nintendo knock off?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Nintendo? Nintendo? The dude that got bodied by Sonic the Hedgehog? Quit playing with me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: Yes, that Nintendo.

Soulja Boy: Bro, you can play games on this! How am I the knock off? They both made in China. It’s the same stuff.

Michael Che: I think you’re is a little different.

Soulja Boy: Che, we got Fork Knife on here. [Fork Knife written like Fortnite logo]

Michael Che: Fork knife? Bro! You mean, Fortnite?

Soulja Boy: No bro, Fork Knife, chill. And if you’re not in a day, you could be a cowboy Red Dread Recession. Or if you want to keep it classic, you could have Mangino and Linguini.

Michael Che: Who’s is Mangino and Linguini?

Soulja Boy: The Super Mangino Brothers. Come on, man.[ Super Mangino brothers written like Super Mario Brothers logo]

Michael Che: So you ripped off Mario?

Soulja Boy: Mario? Mario? Quit playing with me Che.

Michael Che: Soulja, aren’t you worried about copyright infringement?

Soulja Boy: You’re gonna have to break that down for me, Che, Che.

Michael Che: You know they can sue you.

Soulja Boy: Yo, is that like your opinion or is that fact, though?

Michael Che: It’s big fact, Soulja.

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Man, they ain’t got nothing to do with the Super Mangino Brothers. Che, come on man, you got to stop playing with me. I’m going to be first black president and that’s for real.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What about Obama?

[Soulja Boy stands and walks around]

Soulja Boy: Obama? That dude been stealing my bars. Dashing your hope. That’s Soulja, that’s me.

Michael Che: Soulja Boy, everybody.

Weekend Update Trump Announces Deal to End Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much.. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen] President Trump on Friday announced a deal to temporarily reopen the government for three weeks while negotiations continue over border security. Three weeks. We’re basically treating the government like it’s a trial period [The picture changes to Hulu ad] for a Hulu subscription. It’s pretty clear that Trump has not figured out [The picture changes to Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi] how to deal with Nancy Pelosi yet. Usually, when a woman is giving him this much trouble, he just gives her $130,000 to shut up. During a speech at the Rose garden ending the shutdown, Trump said this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “We do not need 2,000 miles of concrete wall from sea to shiny sea. We never did.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Shiny sea? Also, remember when you said this?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “We’re going to build the wall. It’s going to be a big fat beautiful wall.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Now, that wall sounds awesome. But, tell me more about this new one.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “The walls we are building are not medieval walls, they are smart walls.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Walls with brains, got it. Now, someone told me that medieval solutions were actually effective.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “They say a wall is medieval. Well so is a wheel. A wheel is older than a wall.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: But, it’s president. But just to clarify, we are still calling it a wall, right?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “Barriers, fences or wall. Or whatever you want to call it.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Honestly, at this point I’d like to call it quits.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump temporarily reopened the government. And I know liberals are tweeting out, “Trump caved”. But y’all got to calm down. Stop gloating. You didn’t win yet. The man is still one tweet away from calling a national state of emergency and bringing back slavery. Act like he’s still crazy. You got to treat him like you’re training a dog. With constant positive reinforcement. Maybe every time he does something you like, tweet out, [The picture changes to a tweet of Donald Trump] “Who’s a good boy?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of LaGuardia airport at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays that were building up at LaGuardia airport. You know you’re failing as a president when you somehow made LaGuardia worse. The ground delays occurred because the shutdown was causing one airline industry unions called, ‘A level of risk we cannot even calculate’. Which also happens to be the slogan for Spirit airlines. [The picture changes to Spirit airlines slogan]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Roger Stone was arrested at 6AM Friday morning by a team of officers with heavy weapons. Finally. This is all I’ve been waiting for, old white dudes getting dragged out their crib like dope dealers. Was it excessive? Yes. And I wish it was worse. I wish he was just wearing boxers and a durag. I wish there was a baby crying in a tazed his girl, give him the worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: That’s right. Long time Trump adviser and business babadook Roger Stone has been charged by the special counsel’s office on seven counts including obstruction, making false statements, witness tampering and I assume the attempted murder of batman. Stone, pictured here as an old woman, being told there’s no more room at bingo, left the courtroom to face a crowd that was booing and chanting, “lock him up”. First of all, it’s always fun to watch a press conference on mute where the captions on and they say, “Crowd booing”. Second, you know how many people have to hate you for them to show up just to boo you in the middle of a work day? They found out you got arrested that morning and they immediately called their office to say, “Yeah, I’m going to be late. I got to head down to the courthouse and yell at steampunk Lincoln”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: The White House said that the charges against Roger Stone have nothing to do with president Trump. I mean, of course the White House said that because the White is the president. I mean, if I get accused of something, I can’t be like, “Man, I’m innocent, just ask my apartment”. It is kind of strange that everybody Trump’s worked with has been indicted or locked up, except for him. Which tells me he’s either a rat or a jinx. [The picture changes to Roger Stone] By the way, I googled this guy, Roger Stone, because he looks like he pays black guys to bang his wife. And I found out in 1996, he was forced to resigned  from Bob Dole’s campaign for asking black guys to bang his wife. I’m not kidding, look it up, it’s fantastic. I know as a black man, I don’t know whether to feel offended or a little appreciated.

I Love My Dog | Season 44 Episode 11

Mark… James McAvoy

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mark, Chris Redd, Pete Davidson, Kenan Thompson warming up for rap music]

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah

Love that girl, she stay loyal in these streets
coz soon as I pull up to the crib she getting keyed up

Pete Davidson: She my main girl I get home she get at me

hop up on my lap like welcome home, daddy

Chris Redd: I love her.  I don’t even got to fake it

and when she’s at home she loves being naked

Pete Davidson: She’s my best friend, She shows love and respect

That’s why she walk around with my name on her neck

All: I love my bitch, my bitch is my dog [Chris, Pete and Kenan standing with their dogs]

good dog, good dog, only dog that’s all.

Bow wow, my dog, good dog I talk to my dog

Bow wow, she cute she bald,

big dog, little dog, fat dog, skinny dog, roof.

Chris Redd: My cranium and feed my Pomeranian

she doodoo on my carpet I say No that is not where duty goes.

Woof Woo,f that’s the classic sound of my Pitt with my basset hound

If my dog was a dog, then I re-up with a mini Pekinese In tea cup

Pete Davidson:  I’m allergic to these bitches I touch ‘em and start itchin’

if I see it then I pet it get the drugs up out the kitchen

Woof Woff, Zyrtec and a Benadryl and a Claritin ‘cause it’s getting real

I like my dogs hype, hype, hypoallergenic

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: We love dogs out here! You think this is a [Bleep] game?

You say something about my dog, I will literally murder you in your face!

Chris Redd: Woah, woah. Hey, Mark, man. You the DJ. Chill, bro. Chill, the hell is wrong with Mark?

All: My dog she comes when I call

Bow wow, My dog, silly dog, new dog, old dog, black dog, gold dog

[Cut to Kenan riding ATV with his dog]

Kenan Thompson: My dog’s name is Bryce, she my little pookie pookie

she love a little hat [The dog is wearing a little hat] but she really love a cooking

Got her own Instagram @pookiespike3

Bow wow, some say I rescue her but she really rescued me

Aw, look at her little face. You is a little boo boo in the hat. You do got a little hat on, don’t you?

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: Respect this dog! Or I’ma shoot you dead! I got shooters in the streets.

Chris Redd: Yo, Mark, man, enough with the death threats, man. Chill, bro.

Pete Davidson: Something ‘bout dogs, Mark.

Kenan Thompson: I don’t like Mark.

Chris Redd: Mark crazy, bro.

Lady rapper: You boys done? I got something to say.

Puggin and thuggin yeah, that’s cool

but the kissing disgusting

Kenan Thompson: I’m kissing pookie right now.

Lady rapper: Yeah, but I’m wishin’ you wasn’t

matter fact, I’ma keep it 100

[Lady rapper carrying a rabbit]

dogs are okay, but I love me some bunnies

hop hop bunny, bunny, bunny hop hop

There’s a bunny on money hop hop

frankly I don’t give shh-TZU,

bunnies are better than dogs it’s true, it’s true

Kenan Thompson: Now you talkin’ crazy.

Mark: My dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny!

All: Dog, dog, dog, dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny hop bunny.

All: She closed it, she fall.

My best friend my dog

Lady rapper: Bunny, hop.

New Orleans Vacation | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Phil…Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dierdre… Heidi Gardner

Raynolds… James McAvoy

Beck Bennett

Waitress… Ego Nwodim

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]

Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.

Phil: Should we just call it a night?

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.

Dierdre: Hey.

[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]

Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.

John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.

[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]

Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.

Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.

Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. N’orleans, no.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum

Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Aidy: He just said he was from there.

Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.

Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.

[Cut to everyone]

John: Can we get the check?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.

Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Is that true Phil?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.

[Cut to everyone]

Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?

Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?

Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.

Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: Up? Straight up?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.

Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.

Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: A trash bag?

Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?

Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I lived there.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: Jumbo?

Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.

Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.

[Cut to everyone.]

Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave]

[A waitress walks]

Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?

Waitress: No.

Mr. H | Season 44 Episode 8

Marcus… Chris Redd

Mr. H… James McAvoy

Craig… Pete Davidson

Tunee… Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with intro with written message, ‘What does a teacher make? A difference. –Taylor Mali’]

[Cut to guys in street corner]

Marcus: Who this?

[Cut to Mr. H stopping by the car]

Tunee: Look at this dude.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Is that Mr. H? [Cut to Mr. H coming out of the car] That’s my teacher from school. [Cut to Marcus] What he doing out here?

[Cut to Mr. H and Marcus walk up to each other]

Mr. H: Hey, I thought I might find you here. Haven’t seen you in school much lately.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yeah. Let me guess. You came all the way down here to bring me back. Right? What’s the point, Mr. H? You think I’m going to be some big college success story?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Is that so crazy?

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: You’re watching too many movies. Dude. Brave teacher comes down to the hood to save his gifted student from the streets, right? What. Next I’m going to hear, Marcus. You’ve got potential.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: You do.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Right, and next, Marcus you’re smart?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: You are smart.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Then it’s like, Marcus, you’re a genius. [Cut to Mr. H with expression of disagreement] [Cut to Marcus expecting Mr. H to repeat what he says] Marcus, you’re a genius.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Ahh.

[Cut to Marcus expecting Mr. H to repeat what he says]

Marcus: Why can’t you see you’re a genius, Marcus?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Genius is thrown around a little too much these days. But I will say you are very bright and [Mr. H takes an envelope out] I brought you this. It’s your S.A.T. results.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Man, I threw that in the trash.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: And I took them out. [Cut to Mr. H and Marcus] I think you owe it to yourself to see how you did.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Man, you open it. You’re the only one that cares.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: All right, well, you got an 880.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Out of 900? Here you go. Oh, Marcus, what you doing in these streets when you got a basically perfect S.A.T score?

Craig: No, you didn’t.

Marcus: What do you know about it, Craig?

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I know it’s scored out of 1600, and an 880 is, like, pretty bad.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Shut up, Craig. When you gonna face it, Mr. H? I’m not your hood to Harvard success story, all right?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: No, Harvard is definitely out of the question. But I think with a little studying, you can get it up to 1100.

[Cut to Tunee]

Tunee: That’s still not that good.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yes, it is, Tunee. It’s better than anybody else got out here.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: I actually got like a 1260.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Well, you are buying weed right now. So you can leave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: I’m just waiting for my change. I gave you $100 10 minutes ago. And you still haven’t given me change.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: All right, I got it, man. [Marcus starts calculating on his phone] $60 of weed—

Mikey Day: Are you using a calculator for that?

Marcus: Take away a hundred—

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: It’s 40.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Go smoke your weed, man.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Come on, Marcus.

[Cut to Mr. H and Marcus]

Marcus: No, enough of this bull snaps, bro. I made up my mind. Mr. H. I don’t know why you brought your tie and your shirt down here, man. What more do you want for me?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: I was actually hoping to score some shrooms.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: What?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: I got a bachelor party. I promised my buddies I’d pick up some shrooms. If poss, maybe get them before next Friday?

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: Yeah, I think we could do business.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Nah. This is a test, right? You’re trying to make me learn?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H:  No, it’s definitely not that. I want to try and buy some shrooms. Either from you or somebody you know.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: Yeah, man. Come through tomorrow.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: All right. Marcus, hope to see you in class sometime soon. [Mr. H leaves]

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yo, Mr. H. Yeah? What did the guidance counselor say?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: About what?

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: After you showed him my essay. He said something to you. What did he say.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: He said that it was a little all over the place.

[Cut to Marcus. Marcus smiles.]

Marcus: Just like me.

The U.E.S. | Season 44 Episode 11

Leslie Jones

James McAvoy

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip, written ‘A message from Leslie Jones’]

[Cut to Leslie Jones rapping]

Leslie Jones: In my live, I’ve lived in some of the hardest neighborhoods in America. Comption, Spanish-Harlem. Bed-Stuy. But the neighborhood where I live now, you all don’t know it like I do. This is the Upper East Side, bitches.

It’s the UES where the players play,[Cut to white men standing in front of the Fairway store]
White men standing right up the Fairway,
I used to be basic but that was long ago
Now I’m moving on up like the Jefferson show

You think you got a subway? Bitch, we got a Q, [Cut to Leslie rapping in the Q train]
The only train longer than World War II,
Always got a seat and it’s clean as hell,
Got that nobody peed in here subway smell.

Aint no drama the car’s strictly mellow
just some working folks and their kids with a cello
Some think it’s sleezy well [bleep] the haters
your train’s got stairs we got excalators

This ain’t harlem ya’ll I got seamless for days [Cut to cab coming to pick up]
and a cab outside that comes right away
I order where I want ya’ll can’t stop me
two in the morning bring me salmon and broccoli

think there ain’t no black folks, you mistaken
there’s nannies and nurses and a doorman whose Jamaican
You all thought that at 50 I’d be broke or dead
now I’m a lady from Comption inline for fresh bread

Man, everybody’s balling on the Upper East Side. People from all over the world come to live the UES life. Like the German dude who bakes my bread, [Leslie walks to the door of the bakery and walks in to the baker] hit him up one time.

[Cut to James McAvoy rapping in German accent, with Leslie Jones]

James McAvoy : It’s the UES and I know what you want
got a line out the door for $12 croissant
Five stars on yelp, yeah, you know the sitch
I bake a cherry streudel make zaga my bitch

My father baked bread and my father’s father
you get bread some where else don’t even bother
Ladies got the hookup just ask for Mika (Michael)
I’ll take her to heaven before you had your soul-cycle

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s that East side life.

[Cut to split screen. Leslie Jones is speaking to Kate McKinnon on the phone] Yo, Kate, you think West side is poppin? Come over to UES where it’s all going on.

We could hit the met gala stay

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat

[Cut to the door of café Carlyle]

Leslie Jones: Go to café Carlyle

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat

[Cut to the door of restaurant Daniel]

Leslie Jones: Dine at Daniel

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat
home with my cat
home with my cat
It’s going to be a party when I’m home with my cat
cause I got Netflix and I got a warm cat
Got a warm cat
Got a warm cat
I got a cozy blanket and I got a warm cat
[Cut to Leslie rapping outside the German bakery]

Leslie Jones: It’s the UES where the players play
We got nail salons and diners for days
I used to be basic but that was long ago
Now I’m moving on up like the Jefferson show

There it is. Ues for life. Son. We can’t go back. They say, “Leslie, you forgot where you came from”. Bitch, I live here, because I remember where I came from. Upper East side.