Tag: episode 1

50s Homecoming Dance

Ditt Mayer… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Kyle Mooney

Lindy Paderson… Kate McKinnon

Vena Gaditchy… Cecily Strong

Lily Gilford… Miley Cyrus

Nasty Jack… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a board that says, “Homecoming dance tonight”.]

[Cut to the homecoming party. People are dancing.]

Ditt Mayer: Hey, you guys wanna go drop cherry bombs in the toilets?

Taran: Hey, buzz off, Ditt Mayer!

Ditt Mayer: Ah! Your loss!

[Ditt leaves]

Jon: Wow, fellas! Look at all these girls, man!

Kyle: Get a load of Lindy Paderson.

[Cut to Lindy Paderson standing alone and smiling]

[Cut to the boys]

Wow!

Taran: Now, look at Vena Gaditchy.

[Cut to Vena Gaditchy standing with her friends]

[Cut to the boys]

She’s so bad. Uh-huh!

Jon: I got my people set on the new girl. Lily Gilford.

[Cut to Lily Gilford smiling]

[Cut to the boys]

Oh! She’s out of this world.

Kyle: Well, gentlemen, what are we waiting for?

[Cut to everybody]

[happy music playing]

[singing] I need a girl who aces her classes

[Cut to Lindy coming in dancing]

Lindy: I need a guy, who would love my glasses

[Kyle and Lindy dance together]

Kyle: We both wear specs so it’s easy to see

Kyle and Lindy: That you’re the one for me.

[Kyle and Lindy dance away and Taran steps in]

Taran: I need a girl who feels good being bad

[Vena walk in singing]

Vena: You got a like. Shh! Don’t tell my dad.

Taran: Your pops won’t know about half the stuff we do

Taran and Vena: Coz I’m the one for you

[Taran and Vena dance away and Jon steps in]

Jon: I need a girl who will be true to me

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] I want to crush them all your rock

sprinkle on your jock at the parking lot, give you little glitter

eat it, smoke it like creator, sprinkles on my kushy cat

keep, keep my booty tap

What?

[music stops. Lily starts acting shy again.]

[Cut Taran and Vena. They are speechless.]

Taran: Um, she’s from Montana, right?

Vena: I don’t think she’s been from Montana in a long time.

[the happy music playing]

[Cut to Kyle and Lindy dancing]

Lindy: Before we kiss, I need to wear your pants

Kyle: All your’s.

[Cut to Taran and Vena dancing]

Vena: All I ride is the only car I ride in

Taran: Mustang!

[Cut to Jon and Lily]

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] You wanna date me?

you gotta chill with my friend, his name is Nasty Jack

[Nasty Jack walks in]

Nasty Jack: I’m fulfilling!

Lily: We do everything together,

now just that Jack wants to have sex

Nasty Jack: Hell yeah! Can’t we?

Lily: And we’ll probably have sex with Nasty Jack too.

Nasty Jack: Oh! It’s gonna happen!

Lily: I watched him turn and eat gummy bears

and it’s her, you heard! So, uh!

Nasty Jack: So, we dating or what?

Jon: Wow, jeez! I don’t know if I wanna go all the way with you and Nasty Jack.

[Ditt runs in]

Ditt Mayer: Oh, cherry bomb!

[Ditt runs away]

[Cut to Kyle and Lindy singing and dancing]

Kyle: Scoob, scoob, schooby-doo-dupap!

Lindy: Bam, bam, bapa-bapa-bapa-bapa

[Cut to Taran and Vena singing and dancing]

Taran: Tu-wa-pap-duba-daba-dipidi-doo

Vena: Boong, bang, rama-lama-bingidi-bong!

[Cut to Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack]

Jon: Shang-shang–

[Lily purs cream on Jon’s face and starts licking it]

Oh, my gosh!

Okay! Okay! Okay! Can we stop? Okay, time out! Alright?

Nasty Jack: Too late. We going steady now!

Lily: Come on!

Jon: Okay!

[Jon and Lily sit on a toy horse. Everyone else starts dancing.]

[Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack leave]

Worst Vet Office Ever

Cecily Strong

Chris Prtt

Kate McKinnon

Mrs. Taylor… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Sentoro… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Thompson… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of animal hospital]

Cecily: Oh, my god! My hair is not doing what I wanted to do today.

[Cut to Cecily, Chris and Kate behind the counter.]

Chris: Me neither. My hair as dry as a little triscuit.

Kate: My hair is like soup on a plate. It just ain’t right.

Cecily: Okay, well, let’s get to work because if we don’t do it, it’s gonna do us.

Kate: Okay. Now, hand me my clipboard. Thank you. Mrs. Taylor?

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Oh that’s me.

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Now, you’re writing on your pet guinea pig, Mrs. Wonderful?

Chris: I can’t tell. I just love that name. And she has lived up to it Chris00%.

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Thank you. Are they bringing her out now?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: They are ma’am. She will be out here in just a moment.

[Cut to Cecily and Mrs. Taylor]

Cecily: And we just want to let you know that when they do bring her out here, she will be dead.

Mrs. Taylor: What? Mrs. Wonderful is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yes, ma’am. But please don’t worry. She did go very slowly.

Mrs. Taylor: She was here for a toe-nail trim.

Kate: Oh, we know. And her nails look great!

Chris: But she is dead.

Cecily: Okay, so I’m just gonna need to sign these papers.

Mrs. Taylor: Okay, what are these papers for?

Chris: It just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.

Cecily: Okay, so right here it says, do you know it? We’re gonna need you to print the English word, ‘Yes’.

Mrs. Taylor: Well, can I at least say goodbye.

Cecily: Well, look at you. Of course you can. Come here. [Cecily hugs Mrs. Taylor] Oh, my gosh!

[Chris hugs Mrs. Taylor]

Chris: I’ll miss you so much.

Kate: Bye, bye now.

Mrs. Taylor: I don’t believe this.

[Mrs. Taylor walks away]

Cecily: I really like her. She seemed like a new person.

[Mr. Sentoro walks in]

Mr. Sentoro: Excuse me, hi. I just came to check on my parrot.

Kate: Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Sentoro?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.

[cut to Kate and Chris]

Chris: Well, your parrot has been a dream.

Kate: Were you the one who taught her how to say ‘Pizza, pizza’?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: [laughing] I wish. No. She learned that from TV.

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Cute. Well, she’s been saying that all day long.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Cecily: She has. Pizza, pizza. Those were her last words.

Mr. Sentoro: What?

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Pizza, pizza. And then nothing.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: What do you mean?

Cecily: Your bird is dead and we need you to fill out this form.

Mr. Sentoro: How did she die?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: I’m afraid she was birdered!

Mr. Sentoro: What?

Chris: That is what happens when a bird is murdered.

Mr. Sentoro: This can’t be happening.

Cecily: I know. I am so sorry. Okay, so we just need you to sign this form. It says, “My pet was birdered and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Mr. Sentoro: This is the worst vet hospital I’ve ever been in.

Cecily: What? [Mr. Sentoro runs away] Well, I think he took that pretty good. Mr. Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor?

[Mr. Thompson walks in]

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I think my turtle has a rash.

Chris: I can see it. Poor baby. Hey, I’m gonna take him to the doctor, okay?

[Chris takes the turtle away]

Cecily: I bet it won’t take long.

[Chris walks back in in with a hospital bed with Mr. Thompson’s turtle covered with a white cloth.]

Chris: Okay, we’re back, I just need you to identify the body.

[Cut to Mr. Thompson]

Mr. Thompson: What? My turtle is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Well, hang on. Let me see. [Kate knocks the turtle shell] I knocked and nobody is home.

Cecily: So, I’m just gonna need you to sign this form. It says, “They bundled my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me and I left.”

Mr. Thompson: I can’t believe my turtle’s dead.

Chris: Oh, believe it. [Chris throws the white cloth away and starts shaking the turtle.] Here you go.

Mr. Thompson: This is inexcusable.

[Mr. Thompson takes the turtle from Chris]

Kate: Well, at least you know he wasn’t turtered. That’s when turtles get murdered.

Cecily: Well, we know that. Alright, y’all. You know what? I need a drink.

Kate: Me too.

Chris: Me too, three.

Cecily: Okay, you know, you are crazy.

[Cecily, Chris and Kate wear hats and walk out.]

Chris: I know.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks Business

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: A Pennsylvania teenager faces up to Michael Che years in prison for photographing himself in a sexual position with a statue of Jesus. Here to comment is our resident young person. Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: How’s it going, Che?

Michael Che: Good. Everything is good. Now, do you approve what this kid did?

Pete Davidson: I don’t approve of what he did but however, kids my age do that stuff all the time. For example, have you ever played the ‘how much money would you go down on the guy for’ game?

Michael Che: I don’t think so, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, [Cut to Pete Davidson] for those of you who don’t know what the game is, it’s basically one of your friends will be like, “Hey, man, would you go down a guy for $1 million?” And then we would all lie and be like, “No!”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, you’re saying you would go down on a guy for $1 million?

Pete Davidson: Of course I would. $1 million is a steel. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I hope he starts with a million. I would do it for like, 3,000 if I had to be honest with myself. Even if I was doing well. Like, even if I was on a boat and it was my boat, I would still do it. A boat needs fuel. A lot of people don’t realize that. They just get a boat and then they’re in the middle of the ocean with no fuel and they’re like, “I wish I had done with that guy.” You know? I wouldn’t be stuck in the middle of the ocean now.

People would be like, “Well, Pete, you must be gay.” And I’m like, “No, I’m a businessman.” Look, if you’re gay, it’s fine. Me and my friends are just trying to make money. Alright? If you don’t go down on a guy for $1 million, you obviously don’t care about your family.

When I was in high school 3 years ago, my opinion was different. Whenever I played that game and my friends asked me if would go down on a guy for $1 million, I’d be like, “No, gross!” And I mean that because times were different. I lived with my mom at that time. I had food, clothes, I had a TV in my room. I didn’t need to go down on the guy. My mom was already doing that.

But now, I live on my own. So, I think two times a year is acceptable amount of times to go down on a guy. It makes complete sense. Once in the summer so you have a great summer. You go to six flags and bring your entire family. Get the flash pass. And then once right before Christmas so the whole family eats. I actually think that’s quite noble. Just think of how proud you’ll be at thanksgiving dinner when your grandpa’s saying grace and he’s like, “We’d like to thank Pete’s mouth for this wonderful feast.

Some people are like, “Hey, Pete, won’t you have to go to therapy?” I’m like, “Yeah, but guess who could afford therapy now?”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Supply and demand. Pete Davidson, everybody!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on relationships

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Well, a new study shows that a number of single people in America has reached record high levels. Here to give her thoughts on the subject is our relationship expert Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yeah, woo! What’s up? What’s up? Yeah! I’m single. Give it up for the loneliness.

Colin Jost: Leslie, obviously you’re excited about being single.

Leslie Jones: Uh, yeah! I get the watch Ghost Whisperer on Friday.

Colin Jost: Ghost whisperer? That’s still a show?

Leslie Jones: Of course, it is, you sexy vanilla muffin.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: If you got the eye on channel, it’s always on.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Alright. So, Leslie, why do you like being single?

Leslie Jones: Well, at this point, I don’t like it so much as I am used to it. You know what I mean? [Cut to Leslie Jones] It’s hard to date now. Remember back in the day when only question had to ask a man was, “Are you single?” Now, it’s a whole interview. “Are you single? Are you on drugs? Are you gay? Are you sure? Do you have any kids? The baby on the way counts as a kid.” It’s just too hard now.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Well, I hope you don’t lose hope, Leslie. You know, because sometimes relationships work out.

Leslie Jones: For who, Jost? Who they work out for? I was with a man for four years. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Sure, it was a booty call. But then, four years. He had to move to Israel to break up with me. He didn’t say goodbye, nothing. You men are all the same. [Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones] You just jump in the shower and just wash all the women off of you. But we can’t do that as women because your spirits are in us.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Our spirits?

Leslie Jones: You know what I’m talking about, you delicious marshmallow.  [Cut to Leslie Jones] Spirits just be marching around in my body making me think about him. Why do I keep smelling this jerk? Help me ghost whisperer! Help me! You see? You see what relationships do to you? [yelling] Look at my face. [Leslie Jones screams out loud] See?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 4

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that Beaumont, Texas is the least educated city in the country. Oh, man! Wait until they don’t read about this.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Tyler Perry and his girlfriend.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that Tyler Perry is expecting his first child with his girlfriend. Perry is reported to be very excited about being a grandmother. [Picture changes to Tyler Perry grandma] Perry says he doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl as long as the baby turn fingers (10 fingers) and turn turs (10 toes).

Weekend Update 3

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of a man carrying groundhog.]

Michael Che: Officials at the Staten Island zoo are denying reports that a groundhog used in this year’s groundhog ceremony died after the mayor de Blasio dropped it. Said officials, “It was really more the stepping on it.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sheep.]

Colin Jost: A shepherd in Germany has discovered a rare geep, which is a sheep-goat hybrid. It’s believed to be the first sheep-goat hybrid to be discovered since Kid Rock. [Picture changes to Kid Rock.]

[Picture changes to a college in California]

A California teacher resigned after she talked in class about programming robots to shoot and kill students. Her resignation should give her more time at home to work on her army of killer robots.

[Picture changes to an old woman.]

A Mexican woman thought to be the oldest person in the world reportedly turned 127 on Sunday. Despite her age, she said she still living la-vida kill me.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Cuba Gooding Jr. at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. who is participating in a ‘Shoot the Puck’ competition during intermission at a Chicago Black Hawk’s pre-season game, screamed and ripped his shirt off after making a goal. It was a kind of display that reminded us why it’s been a while since anyone showed him the money.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Derek Jeter.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow will mark the final major league baseball game for Yankee short stop, Derek Jeter. Jeter retires after 20 seasons, 260 home runs, over 3,400 hits and all the ass.

[Picture changes to ‘Orange is the new black’ logo and a lesbian sign.]

A writer for ‘Orange Is the New Black’ said that working on the show made her realize that she was gay, while watching what goes on in that woman’s prison reminded me that I am not.

[Picture changes to

Detroit Lion’s line backer Steven is out for the year after tearing a needling omit while celebrating the sack against the Green Bay Packers. It’s a horrific on field incident that the NFL is calling “Our best news in weeks.”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update, with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Obana at right top corner.]

After the US launched air strikes against ISIS forces this week, president Obama spoke at the UN and urged most of the countries to join in the fight. Obama is so desperate to get most of the countries on board, he started using his middle name again.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton recently fuels speculation that she may run for president when she made an appearance in Iowa and said, “Hello, Iowa, I’m back.” Though, if I remember 2008 correctly, that’s not as effective as saying, “Hello, Iowa, I’m black.” [Picture changes to Barack Obama.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of iPhone 6 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Apple this week announced that a bunch of Chinese factory workers are about to get carpool tunnel. In other Apple news, the company has strength and security or it’s iCloud storage system in response to the recent hacking of celebrity nude photos. But if you really don’t anyone to see your naked photos, you could just hide them in that free U2 album. [Picture changes to a CD of U2]

[Picture changes to Chelsea Clinton]

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton who gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. A new grandmother Hillary Clinton [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] said she couldn’t be any happier unless the baby was a Latina in a swing state.

Weekend Update – Girl at a Party Rides Again

Michael

The girl… Cecily Strong

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: And now, break of the Ebola virus continues to spread through western Africa with America and other countries scrambling to hell. Here with her take on this sensitive subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The girl slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The girl: Welcome back.

Michael Che: So, where have you been?

The girl: I went to my birthday trip to Israel.

Michael Che: Really? Are you Jewish?

The girl: Wow! The fact that you even ask me that makes you a spigot, and no, I’m not Jewish.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what do you think about this Ebola outbreak?

[Cut to The girl]

The girl: What do I think about it? Michael, it’s all I’m thinking about, okay? [Cut to The girl and Michael Che. Michael Che is annoyed.] I’m thinking about it 25/7, okay? This isn’t just an outbreak Michael, it’s an outrage. Okay? It’s an Obama-nation. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s un-com-pre-hen-dal-ble! And these people, aren’t even sick of Ebola. They’re sock of hypocraty.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think they’re also sick from the Ebola, which is what we were here to talk about.

The girl: Wait, let me man-splain this for you in terms, you can man-derstand. Okay? Because right now, sorry, but you look like a broke record. You’re being like a fetish’s dictator. Okay?

[Cut to The girl. She looks at her phone]

Uh! Swipe left.

[The girl puts her phone down]

Because this might like, shock you, but most Americans only use The 10% of my brain. Michael, no offence, but that’s how they’re getting across their border. [Cut to The girl and Michael Che] Like, why are we even?

Michael Che: Why are we even what? Are we gonna talk about Ebola, because if not, there’s other–

The girl: People need to wake up, Michael. We’re living in a post facial society. [Cut to The girl] Walmart, Happy meals, the Winnerlympics, they’re babies in China who don’t even know they’re adults. And it’s like every five minutes, another species.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Another species what?

The girl: [slowly points to Michael] Exactly! [The girl gestures to her mind blown.] I just spilled your brains out. I just spilled your brains out. [Cut to The girl] I hate to burn your bubble but if Neil Degrasse Tyson is that smart, why you buy that guy giraffe?

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

I got to give you something. [The girl looks into her clutch.] Do you have a crush on anyone right now? Don’t say me.

Michael Che: Well, actually it is this girl called Jessica–

[Cut to The girl]

The girl: I have a crush on Gandhi. But, I’m sure Jessica discovered India too. [The girl looks over] Who is that guy?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and The girl.]

Michael Che: That’s Colin.

The girl: He looks like my ex. [Cut to The girl] He died at burning man.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

This is an authentic Mexican jumping bean. I got it urban offeners. [The girl looks away and starts calling out] Devin! Devin!

Michael Che: Who are you yelling at?

The girl: Devin. She’s my scariest friend. You have like, really kind eyes.

Michael Che: Thank you.

The girl: You’re welcome. Can I take a selfie with you?

Michael Che: I guess.

[The girl takes a selfie with Michael Che]

The girl: My dad’s gonna really hate that.

Michael Che: Alright! Girl at the party, everyone!

The girl: Devin! [Looks at Michael Che] You have to eat that.

NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro]

[Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]