Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update- New Phillies and Astros Mascots

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. He’s wearing a snapback and has unbuttoned his collar. There’s a picture of new Phillies Mascot.]

Michael Che: The Philadelphia Phillies unveiled the new design for their team masco, the Philly fanatic. While Houston Astros have revealed their new mascot, Chitty the Camera. [looking at Colin Jost and holding his whisky glass] Hey, Chitty, it’s good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump Jr. and a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump Jr. has received a permit to hunt and kill a grizzly bear in Alaska. Not to be outdone, [Picture changes to Eric Trump] Eric Trump made a trap to catch a Charmin bears. [Picture changes to a trap used for insects. The bait is a toilet roll.]

[Picture changes to a news article that says “4-year-old finds meth in library book.”]

Florida police are investigating after a 4-year-old boy found meth inside a library book. The book was of course, “The very twitchy catterpillar.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an event promo at right top corner.]

20,000 high school students in New York city got to see the cast of the broadway hit “To kill a mocking bird” performed at Madison Square Garden. And no surprise, the cast beat the Knicks by 25 points.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Non-Costco members barred from food court” at left top corner.”

Colin Jost: Costco announced that it will start enforcing a policy that bans non-members from eating in their food courts. So, if you’re looking for a new low point in your life, try getting dragged out of Costco foodcourt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a while male with Christian cross painted on his forehead in black at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The one day a year Catholics are allowed to do a little bit of black face.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Catholic.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The last day of February which means it’s also the last day of Black History month. Here to reflect to what that means to him is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in.]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Redd: Yo! Wad up? What’s up? What’s up? What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: Hey, what’s up? Good to see you, Chris. So, how was your Black History month?

Chris Redd: It was trash, man. Black people took too many L’s to let this February represent us, man. We lost legends. The Corona virus just stole the spot light. Now, I know people that wear protected mask that don’t wear condoms, and that’s wild to me. Shitting bed all around.

Colin Jost: Wow. I’m sorry.

Chris Redd: You should be. Even in politics, we have no representation, man. Kamala, gone. Corry Booker, gone. Which means me and the bay sketch is gone. The blackest candidate we got left is Joe ‘I got a black friend’ Biden. He cool, but listening to that dude talk is like watching our old man parallel park his own thoughts for 20 minutes.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. Alright.

Chris Redd: And then on top of that, this happened.

[Cut to a picture of OneUnited debit visa card with a Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.]

Harriet Tubman doing Wakanda forever on a VISA card.

[cut to the news set]

What? Look at her! It looks like she got recaptured. She didn’t see Black Panther. Wakanda’s not real. Or how about this? Novels release black covers of white books for some damn reason. Look at this. Black Frankenstein looking like a Soundcloud rapper that got beat by the police. You got a black Wizard of Oz? That already happened. That’s the Wiz, you dummy! The we got Moby big ass Dick over here. This is stupid. It’s dumb.

Colin Jost: That’s pretty bad. But you know, there’s gotta be something good about this black history month, right?

Chris Redd: Well, a week ago I would have said boxing. I was looking forward to Wilder/Fury fight. But then Deontay Wilder walked out with his goofy ass wearing this nonsense. [Picture of Deontay Wilder’s entrance in the boxing match. His outfit looks heavy.] Yeah. Yeah, he lost to a bald headed potato sack body having white man too. This guy. Because he had a come-out just like a Mortal Combat fatality. Man, what’s wrong with you? And he said he did it in tribute of Black History month. Whose? Not mine. And on top of all, he got licked while getting his ass beat. Literally! Look at that. [Picture of Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury clinching. Tyson Fury has his tongue out.] Ew! Come on, man. [Cut to the news set] Not on our month, bro!

Colin Jost: No. I don’t love that either.

Chris Redd: Nobody loves that. And then on a last second, Charles tried to sneak one pass just like we weren’t going to catch it. Look. Look at this. [Cut to picture of black people praying in White House, all standing behind Donald Trump.] Look at these White House negros. [Cut to the news set] Who y’all praying to? The ghost of black face pass? Then Trump’s got his eyes open during the prayer like he’s trying to remember which pocket his wallet is in. Trump is looking like a basketball from space jam, just sucking all the blackness out of em’. Does this look like black history to you, Colin? Huh?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna guess, no.

Chris Redd: So, just give us another month, man. Look, I know March is women’s month, so we’ll take April, we’ll start on the Chris Reddnd.

Colin Jost: What about April Colin Jostst?

Chris Redd: Nah! Y’all keep that day, boy. April Fools his how you got us over here in the first place. “It’s just a cruise. Hop on. We good. We good.”

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get the Corona virus.

 

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Trump Tower Meeting

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the senate released over 2,000 pages of testimony regarding a 2016 meeting at Trump Tower with a Russian lawyer, here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. Colin, thanks for having us. Eric, what do you say when you’re a guest at someone’s place?

Eric: I’m sorry. I missed the toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s a great start. Now, Don Jr., many in the media are speculating their calls made to a blocked number before and after your Trump Tower meeting were actually calls you made to your father.

Donald Trump Jr.: You know, this may sound crazy, Colin, [Eric is copying every movement Donald Trump Jr. is doing] but the dishonest media is being dishonest.

Eric: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Donald Trump Jr. turns to Eric and gives his hand for high-five. But Eric raises his hand and turns away trying to copy what Donald Trump Jr. is doing.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, it’s a high-five, bud.

[Eric kisses Donald Trump Jr.’s palm]

Alright, baby steps, buddy. Colin, as I’ve repeatedly said, I never spoke with my father about that harmless little meeting.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t remember whose blocked number that was?

Donald Trump Jr.: No.

Eric: I do. You said, “Siri, call dad.”

Donald Trump Jr.: No. I did not, Eric. How could you possibly even remember that?

Eric: Coz I have pornographic memory.

Donald Trump Jr.: Bud, it’s photographic memory. Okay?

Colin Jost: Let’s just get back to the meeting for a second. Now, some democrats are calling on the judiciary committee to subpoena your phone record.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And they need to give it up because there is no collusion here. You know, Colin, I’m reminded of some words of wisdom my father gave us as boys. He sat us down, he pointed to a framed picture of the designs for Trump Tower and said–

Eric: Look at all the hidden swastikas.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Eric, you wanna play with your play dough, buddy?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play dough. there you go. He’s really into play dough lately. The bottomline– [Eric is just smiling and staring at the play dough] Bud, the whole thing. You don’t know how it works? [teaching Eric how to play with it] Look, you put some play dough in here, right? Now, push the lever down. Come on. Push it down. Look at that. It makes noodles. [Eric is amazed] Yeah. That’s what it does, buddy. Keep cooking. I’m hungry, chef Eric. [Eric acts like he’s playing with his mustache.] He did a chef. Proud of you. The bottom line Colin, is that this is just another desperate attempt by the liberals to undermine all the great work my father is doing in the white house. [Eric eats the dough] Eric! Did you just eat play dough, bud?

Eric: No. [There is play dough all over his mouth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Do not eat play dough. it’s bad for you, buddy. [Donald Trump Jr. gives his hand to Eric’s mouth] Spit it out. Let’s go. Spit it out. There you go.

Colin Jost: Well, thanks for stopping by.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. I feel like it was a success. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. This was great.

Donald Trump Jr.: We better get going. We have a big day tomorrow. I’m having lunch with some new clients from Indonesia.

Eric: I’m going to see “Paw Patrol” on ice.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Bishop Michael Curry

Michael Che

Bishop Michael Curry… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The unexpected star of this morning’s Royal wedding is Chicago Bishop Michael Curry who delivered a lively sermon that British journalists called “Unconventional.” Here to explain is Bishop Michael Curry..

[Bishop Michael Curry slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh! What’s up, Michael? Oh, thank the lord above. It is good to be back around black folks again.

Michael Che: So, how was it?

Bishop Michael Curry: Did you see it? Oh, it was tough, man. Real tough. I preached and I testified and I yelled while 500 stuffy people looked at me like I was farting in an elevator.

Michael Che: Yeah, I feel for you, man. what did it feel like up there?

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, man, it felt kind of like somebody opened up a chicken and waffle skios in a middle of a pottery barn. And I was working it, Michael. I’m up there giving my all, and a sea of white faces is just looking back at me and I thought, “Oh, lord, help me. This must be what it’s like to be Darius Rucker.”

Michael Che: I take you’ve never done a royal wedding before.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, of course I have, Michael. I’m a black preacher from Chicago. The biggest wedding I ever did was Scotty Pippin.

Michael Che: Well, despite the crowd, your sermon got great reviews.

Bishop Michael Curry: That’s coz it was all about love. Love is great. Love is redemptive. Love can change the world. And love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Subaruuuu!

Michael Che: You’re comfortable, man. I think you did great. But some people said it went on too long.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, that’s nonsense. They told me I have five minutes. But the good lord multiplied it into a cool 16.

Michael Che: Well, you did great and whole world knows your name now.

Bishop Michael Curry: Yeah. I’m really excited. When you’re a black preacher who becomes famous, you need to get your phone tapped by the FBI or audited by the IRS. I’m looking forward to it. Praise Jesus.

Michael Che: Bishop Michael Curry, everybody.

Weekend Update on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the Royal Wedding at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Earlier today, “Suits” actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.

[Picture changes to New York city and marijuana leaves.]

A report has found that 86% of the people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or latino. Well, duh, we’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take test for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they search black dudes in hoodies, prison would look like a Dave Matthew’s concert. You know, people always talking about deed in diversity in Hollywood? You know where we really need diversity? Jail! Forget about Oscar so white. How about prison’s too black? Colin?

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of map of Arlington city at left top corner.]

Michael Che: What? A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia. While the least fit city in the country was once again, Man Boobs, Lousiana.

Weekend Update on One-Year Anniversary of Robert Mueller Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. He jus asked his wife [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet where he calls his wife “Melanie.”] Melanie. And for those of us following this investigation, it’s been an exhausting year. It actually ages a person. I mean, here’s a picture of me and Che now. [Cut to picture of Colin Jost and Michael Che] And here’s a picture of us from last year. [Cut to picture of Lucas and Eleven from Stranger Things.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

I think with Russian investigation, ultimately what you think about the investigation really depends on what you think of Trump. It’s sort of like, when you hear this. [Picture changes to “What do you hear? Yanny/Laurel.”] Yeah, like, some people hear Laurel while some idiots hear Yanny. Lot of Laurel fans. That’s sort of how it is with the Russian investigation. If you like Trump, this is kind of what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: It’s a witch hunt, that’s all it is. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But if you don’t like Trump, this is what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: I’m getting away with it, bitches!

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying [cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.” [Cut to Michael Che] You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It’s not everyday that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching [Picture changes to Rachel Dolezal] Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks. Okay. I’m for that.

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani.]

Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told off the record of an informant in the Trump campaign which is hilarious. Coz Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he shot and then he finally gets locked up for it and says, “Yo, I think somebody snitching.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Shawn Hannity at left top corner.]

It was reported that president Trump talked to Shawn Hannity almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I’d say this but poor Shawn Hannity! Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? Just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of the cheese burger wrappers? Was that a flush? Also, Shawn Hannity is a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, “No, Mr. President, you hang up.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Bolton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: North Korea issued a statement condemning national security advisor John Bolton saying they do not hide their feeling of repugnance toward them. Which I can get because look at him. He looks like he still calls Jazz jungle music.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

Trump promised protections for Kim Jong-Un if he makes a deal during their meeting but warned if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Noble Peace Price stuff. Reminds me of Martin Luther King’s famous speech, “Dream a nightmare, take your pick.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Bill Gates at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with president Trump in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, “And which is the one that shows Property Brothers?” For real, Trump asks this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So, you know, homie got HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Homie? Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new US embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting cutting ceremony in Israel, a bris.

Weekend Update Offensive Jokes

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of a goat, hedgehog and American Airlines logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Airlines has revised a guideline to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs on board as emotional support animals. Meanwhile, over at Spirit Airlines, it’s still a full on Noah’s Ark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. “Cool,” said kids in Chicago.

[Picture changes to a kindergarten classroom]

Police in Philadelphia said that a six year old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. The student was bringing a cocaine in for showing, [yelling] “Tell, tell, tell!” That’s a nice one.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: That’s nice.

Michael Che: That’s sweet one.

Colin Jost: That was a sweet one.

Michael Che: Kids on cocaine. That’s sweet.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really sweet. Well, this is the last episode of our season and there were a lot of jokes we tried this year. And some of them were deemed too offensive to do on air.

Michael Che: So we decided that since it’s the end of the year, we’re gonna do some anyway. How about that?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Boy Scouts of America’ logo at right top corner.]

The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization, coz somebody gotta sow those badges on. Now, again, these jokes are offensive and that’s why we won’t tell them on air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of restroom doors with women posters on them.]

Colin Jost: These are the ones we won’t be telling. A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men’s room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women’s room door. Even worse, they called the handicapped door, “Rob.”

Michael Che: Now, you can’t do that joke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

You can’t do that. You can’t do that on TV. Pennsylvania police arrested a one armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police said the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her. Now, that’s– that’s just– you can’t say that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Hamilton and Ponhub logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, you can’t. Pornhub has released– this is exciting– has released it’s parody of the musical Hamilton. And in the porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana leaf at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Daily News published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana saying that the current law has primarily hurt people of color. But since it is the Daily News, the headline read, “Pot cigs catch nigs.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Went better than when I did it. Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic surgery obsessed woman known as Cat Woman has filed for bankruptcy. But don’t worry about Jocelyn, from the looks of her this is one cat who always lands… on her face.

Michael Che: Oh-ho!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Stepmom

Micahel Che

Stepmom… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set. There’s a picture Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Exactly two days after Rudy Giuliani left the law firm of Greenbert–

[A woman sneaks in and whispers. She is Micahel Che’s stepmom.]

Stepmom: I don’t want to interrupt. [cheers and applause]

Micahel Che: Mom, what are you?

[Stepmom gives Micahel Che a file of medicine]

Stepmom: I’m so sorry. I’m not even here. Don’t even look at me.

[Stepmom tries to walk away but Micahel Che holds her there.]

Micahel Che: This is not. Look, thanks.

[Stepmom takes the file of medicine and takes one tablet out.]

Stepmom: Pop it out. Pop it out later if it–

Micahel Che: Thanks.

Stepmom: I just thought you might need a claritin coz you’re getting a little froggy.

Micahel Che: Guys, this is my stepmother. Everybody.

Stepmom: Hey, guys. I have to say, I think you meant to say world’s proudest step mom. [pointing at her shirt. She has printed baby picture of Micahel Che and it has written “Proudest Step Mom” on it.] Did you mean to say that? Did you mean to say that?

Micahel Che: Yeah. I guess I did.

Stepmom: See this old guy? You remember him? Now, you may not have grown in my tummy, but I loved putting you right around my tummy. I love that so much.

Micahel Che: You want a chair?

Stepmom: No.

Micahel Che: Can we get a chair?

Stepmom: No, I’m not gonna use it. What am I gonna sit down next to you? That would be crazy. [Stepmom takes the seat] I can’t do that. What kind of show would it be? [Stepmom holds Micahel Che’s shoulder] Where did these shoulders come from? Just keep going. You were doing a joke about Judy. Judy Rudiani. And I don’t know who she is but I can’t wait to laugh.

Micahel Che: Alright, yeah. I’ll try the joke. [Rudy Giuliani’s picture appears at top right corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face.] This week, Rudy Giuliani resigned… [Stepmom has already started laughing] from the law firm…

Stepmom: [Stepmom acting like her body is Rudy Giuliani’s body below the picture.]Oh, I have my different head. How did you do that? How did you do that?

Micahel Che: You did it. I didn’t even say the joke.

Stepmom: Everything you say is just– Oh, I’m in stitches. In stitches all the time.

Micahel Che: Umm.

Stepmom: You’re just very funny. Colin, were we cracking up or what?

[Colin Jost is nodding his head yes]

Look at Colin. Look at him cracking up.

Colin Jost: Yeah, no. It’s–

Stepmom: He’s like, “What?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. It was very funny joke, Michael. I loved that joke.

Stepmom: See? I told you. He thinks you’re so much funnier.

Micahel Che: Don’t. Mom, law firm was just a set up. It wasn’t the actual joke.

Stepmom: Well, I say law firm. Firm, you rascal, right? I’d say what? I always knew what you were doing in your room but I never wanted to intrude coz I respect you. Loo, you know what? [Stepmom rubs Micahel Che’s cheek] You’ve got something, what is on your face? [Stepmom kisses on his cheek] It’s me! It’s me!

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Right? Right there. Ooh. [kisses her own hands.] I can’t help it. Delicious.

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Okay. They want more. I’m not even here. You gotta meeting out of your palm like you got it full of cheese. Fist full of cheese. So you just go ahead and–

Micahel Che: I’ll try the next one.

Stepmom: Oh, do it. Do it. You can do it.

Micahel Che: Okay, mom. [A picture of Monica Lewinsky appears on right top corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face again.]Town&Country magazine apologized to–

Stepmom: [starts laughing] Oh my god. You know what?

Micahel Che: No.

Stepmom: No? Neither do I. That’s what so amazing. Oh, my god. Sometimes I just look at that face and I go, “I love every bit about it.” Everything about it. Colin, did you know– this was probably relevant to what you guys are talking about. In the third grade, Michael read a poem about horseshoe crabs. And there was not a.. what?

Micahel Che: Dry eye in the room.

Stepmom: Dry eye in the room. In the room. And I’m– maybe– I don’t wanna do that but all I’m saying is horseshoe crabs have very limited lifespan. And I know that because of you. Very limited lifespans.

Micahel Che: Okay. We really do need to get on with this.

Stepmom: Okay. Well, you better. You know Colin, when Michael was little, did you know that he had very juicy little buns. [Colin Jost is listening to her like he is very interested] And they’re still juicy. But I can’t– They’re different now. And you also– you know. You also, I’m sure, have very juicy buns. I’ve seen you in bike shorts and it kind of looked terrific.

Micahel Che: Mom!

Colin Jost: Well, thank you. That actually means a lot to me.

Stepmom: Aw.

Micahel Che: Mom, I have an idea. I have an idea. How about–

Stepmom: It’s gonna be funny.

Micahel Che: — you read a joke.

Stepmom: No. I can’t do that.

Micahel Che: Yeah. Oh, please do. [audience cheering] I think they wanna hear it. Yeah. [pointing at cue cards] You just read that part right there.

Stepmom: Okay. You know what? I just have to without my cheaters. I can’t really. Let me just see what I can.

Micahel Che: I’m sure he’ll bring the card closer if–

[Stepmom slides away, out and in front of the news table.]

Stepmom: No, I don’t wanna trouble anybody. Let me just see. That is still not. Let me just–

Micahel Che: No, well. I don’t think you have to do ll that.

[Stepmom stands and walks towards the camera]

Stepmom: You know what? If I–

Micahel Che: Yeah, not you’re pretty close now. Okay.

Stepmom: It says here ‘Come into focus.’ I got it.

[Stepmom is too close to the camera. Her face covers everything behind her.]

Okay. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to the best– oh boy. To the best stepmom in the world. Oh, boy. Did you write that for me?

Micahel Che: Yeah, I did.

Stepmom: [crying] That’s wonderful. That’s so wonderful.

Micahel Che: My stepmom, everybody.

[Stepmom walks out]

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Summer Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, it’s May, which means it’s time for Summer Blockbusters. Here to talk about the movie she’s most looking forward to is teen movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey At The Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks very shy.]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: What’s up?

Michael Che: So, I saw in our channel, you got a preview of a lot of summer movies.

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] So, you watched me? Okay, awkward. Sorry. I mean, yeah. So, I get to see movies early coz I guess movie people think I’m like, an influencer or whatever. I don’t know. I can’t say it.

Michael Che: Well, you know, I’m really excited for the new Jurassic Park movie. What did you think of that one?

Bailey Gismert: Um, I guess I thought the new Jurassic Park was fake. Okay, so, all of a sudden dinosaurs are like, back? That would never happen. Like, Jurassic Park, I see you. You’re fake.

Michael Che: Well, it’s science fiction, Bailey.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, I guess I’ll just shut up.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. Come on, let’s talk about another movie you saw.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, well, I saw “Avengers Infinity War” and it was fake too. But, I mean, it was also like, pretty tight. Like, for being super fake it was like, pretty real.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, who was your favorite avengers character?

Bailey Gismert: I guess, Thanos was pretty cool.

Michael Che: Really? You mean, like the bad guy?

Bailey Gismert: Or he’s just like, different.

Michael Che: Wait, do you like Thanos?

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] Stop. Stop. Why? Do you know him? [Michael Che smiles] Don’t! Do not text him. Don’t! Don’t Michael, don’t. I’m serious. Don’t text him.

Michael Che: I’m not going to text Thanos.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, good. Because I don’t like Thanos. Like, he’s cool. He’s strong. He’s got that. I don’t care. I just like, I like superheroes coz I’m in the guy stuff. Coz I have brothers. So, I’m sorry I don’t like salads. I like burgers and wings. And I don’t like dolphins. I like sharks. Okay? That’s me. And if you like– If you text Thanos, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: I didn’t mean to get you worked up.

Bailey Gismert: [cracking voice] I’m not… [slowly covers her tears with her hair.] … not worked up. I just have like, so much on my plate. And I’m not trying to say that you guys don’t work hard. Coz I know on Saturdays, you do. But I can’t just check out. [sobbing] I have my finals and field day. And I’m dog sitting for my pastor. I think they didn’t pick my prom theme which was “Moulon Rouge” but it is not too sexual, it’s French.

Michael Che: Well, look, Bailey, you did a great job and I hope you have a great summer.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, Michael Che [speaks in French language]. Oh, my god. Okay. So, if you’re obsessed with me like he is, [pointing at Michael Che] like and subscribe below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live TV.

Bailey Gismert: Like the playoff? Yeah, I watch sports.

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Different heroes can be women. It doesn’t make sense.

Weekend Update on Vin Diesel Receiving Honorary Degree

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vin Diesel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. Diesel says he can’t wait to find out whether the degree is in Fahrenheit or Celsius.

[Picture changes to Best Buy logo]

Electronic store Best Buy has changed their logo in order to get more modern. The logo went from this to this. [Picture changes to amazon logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a legless woman in Florida who was wanted for skipping accord date. It’s a rare case of legless person skipping. [audience laughing]

[Picture changes to Yale University]

I’m not above that joke at all. Police said Yale University interrogated a black graduate student after a white student reported her for sleeping in the common room. So, if you’re black and you go to Yale, stay woke. And I feel like the next time a scary white lady calls a cops on an innocent black person, we should get something, right? I don’t know, like, 50 bucks? Call it “The Meghan Tax.” That way when black people hear siren, we can be like, “Oh, cool. I’mma make rent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Starbucks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The CEO of Starbucks said that no one would ever again be forced to buy an item before using one of their restrooms. At least that’s what the guys who cleans the Starbucks bathroom wrote in his suicide note.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officers in Colorado are searching for the man who was reportedly harassing a moose by chasing it down the street. Said the man, “I like my girls thick.”