Director… Kyle Mooney
Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson
Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan
Host… Beck Bennett
[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]
Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.
[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]
Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.
Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.
Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.
Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.
Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…
Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.
Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.
Director: Okay, set?
[Host walks in behind them]
Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?
Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]
Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?
Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.
Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!
Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.
Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.
Director: And cut.
Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?
Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.
Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.
Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.
Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.
Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!
Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?
Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]
Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.
Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?
Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.
Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!
Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.
[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.]
[Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]
Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.
Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!
Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?
Coco Watchout: Yeah.
Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.
Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.
Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.
Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.
Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.
Director: Take three, and action.
Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.
Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.
[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]
Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!
Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?
Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.
Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?
Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”
Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?
Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?
Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.
Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.
Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.
Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.
Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.
[Trashyard Mutt runs out]
Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.