Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.] [Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.