Tag: season 42

Dyke & Fats Save Christmas

Dyke… Kate McKinnon

Fats… Aidy Bryant

Chief… John Cena

[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.

[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]

Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.

[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.

[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa]

[Cut to the police station]

Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.

Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.

Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.

Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.

Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.

Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.

Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.

Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?

Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?

Fats: We’re back to that?

Dyke: No, we’re past that.

Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!

[The End]

Dating Show

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Dustin… Beck Bennett

Jared… Kyle Mooney

Frank… Mikey Day

Ryan Mack… John Cena

[Starts with MTV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.

[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]

Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.

[Cut to Michelle]

Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.

Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.

Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.

Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.

Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.

[Ryan Mack walks in]

Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.

Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?

Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.

Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.

Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–

Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.

Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?

Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.

Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.

Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.

Ryan Mack: Shut up.

Michelle: You shut up.

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.

Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.

Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]

Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.

Ryan Mack: Too big?

Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.

Ryan Mack: You want me to try?

Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?

Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?

Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.

Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]

Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.

Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.

Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”

Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.

Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]

Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.

Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?

Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.

Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.

[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing]

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.

Dustin: That’s a really good answer.

Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.

Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.

Jared: Thanks.

Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.

[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]

Jared: You’re just saying that.

Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not

[Dustin and Jared start kissing]

Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.

Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Taiwan Call

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And Colin, you’re not gonna believe this but the media is beginning to question is Donald Trump knows what he’s doing. Trump had communication with the president of Taiwan which violates a long standing agreement between the US and China, but in fairness, the president of Taiwan called him. And also, there’s no way Donald Trump knows difference between Taiwan and China. He probably just thinks one makes his hats and other makes his ties. What did surprise me is that Trump would actually answer an unknown phone number. That guy has like millions of dollars in debt. I owe chase $1,100 and when I see a number I don’t recognize, I answered the phone in Taiwanese accent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump began what he’s calling a ‘Thank you tour of the country.’ While Hillary Clinton I assume is planning more of an ‘FU tour.’ Trump’s holding victory rallies in all the places that helped him get elected. Like, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Russia, the FBI, Wikileaks and Hillary’s campaign headquarters. By the way, a ‘thank you tour’ might be the Trumpiest idea I’ve ever heard. He’s so egotistical that his idea of saying thank you is having thousands of people show up and chant his name. That’s not how thank yous work. That would be like starting a charity but instead of helping the poor, all the money went to a giant portrait of a guy who started the charity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But, come on, of course Trump is on a thank you tour. That’s his element. He loves having a big audience. That’s why his constantly on twitter. You think he likes having dinner with Mitt Romney? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney having dinner together] By the way, why does Mitt Romney look like an Instagram model being forced to take a picture with the man who just bought him a new butt?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s twitter profile at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump tweeted about flag burning and voter fraud which some think was just to distract the media from more important issues. But if they’re worried that his tweets are getting too much attention, they should just report them in the most boring way possible. The way they report a weather forecast. Watch.

[Cut to reporting Donald Trump’s tweets in a boring manner]

Male voice: [lazy voice] This morning, Trump’s tweeting about voter fraud with scattered retweets in the afternoon. Then at 3 AM, 90% chance of a tweetstorm about Rosie. This has been Tweets on the ones.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? No one cares anymore.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Protestors continue to gather at Standing Rock Indian reservation to stop the construction of the Dakota access pipeline. The natives believe that the oil pipeline could contaminate their water supply but the oil company believes, “Bleh!” The sheriff’s department began using rubber bullets and water hoses against the protestors last weekend. And, I know that law enforcement is a very, very tough job, but at some point when you’re out there in 23 degree weather, spraying some native family with a fire hose on thanksgiving, you gotta stop and wonder, “Are we the bad guys?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people protesting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, at this point if native Americans are asking us for anything, can’t we just give it to them? We basically treated them like [Picture changes to Milton from Office space] Milton from Office Space. We just keep moving them to worse and worse areas and pretending that we’re doing them a favor. And this one spot in North Dakota is their stapler. [Picture changes to Milton lookin at his stapler] Just let them have the stapler. Coz remember, at the end of Office Space, Milton snaps and burns the entire place down. And oil, famously flammable.

Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of a van with a cartoon dog printed on it at right top corner.]

Michael che: [sigh] The owner of a pet sitting operation had his van stolen with 16 dogs still inside. Starring Kevin James.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kellogg’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kellogg’s announced that it’s pulling it’s advertising from the Breitbarth website saying the Alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But I don’t know. Kellogg’s makes Kashi Go-Lean crunch and that’s may be the widest product in history. [Michael che laughing]

[picture changes to a phone]

A new app has launched that helps people boycott businesses owned by Donald Trump. The app’s called ‘Being Poor’.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of no smoking sign at right top corner.]

Michael che: The federal government has approved the plan that would ban smoking in public housing across the country which is a horrible idea. I mean, you know how stressful it is to live in the projects? I can tell you. It’s like prison. Except you didn’t do anything wrong and you can smoke in prison. How do you even plan on enforcing this law? You think a ghetto tipster’s going to call you like, “Yeah, this is Freddie, and I’d like to report a cigarette smoke act at crackhouse in 4B.” They’re saying it’s because cigarettes are a health risk but you know what else is a health risk? Living in the projects. Heating your apartment with an oven is a health risk. Letting a pitbull babysit your toddler is a health risk. Having a hospital bed in your living room is a health risk. But you know what? The worst health risk of all is? Getting evicted. Yeah. Coz that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna renovate those buildings and them to millionaires and you know what they’re going to do in those buildings? Those millionaires? Coke!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Canadian flag and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I thought he was going to say smoke. But… Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So, let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there. Make sure that crash kills you.

Michael che: [laughing] Make sure?

Colin Jost: Make sure. [Picture changes to an ape] A new research shows that the pre-human Lucy probably lived in trees. So, either pre-humans were more ape-like than previously thought or that bitch cray!

[Michael Che laughing]

[laughing] The one before it.

Michael Che: You fell for it.

Colin Jost: Well, Che wrote that.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that women in long term relationships are more likely to experience a decrease in sexual satisfaction. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Leslie. So, why do you think women in relationships have troubles sexually?

Leslie Jones: Well, it’s because men don’t correctly learn how to satisfy a woman, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Like, a couple of weeks ago, I was at the New York city FC soccer game. And I was sitting in my section with a whole bunch New York Knick players. They were all 6’9″, big old hands, big old feet, big old necks, big old chests, long ass fingers, long as…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, we know. We know where it’s going. Yes, we got it.

Leslie Jones: Of course you do, you little salty oyster cracker.

Colin Jost: You just called me a cracker.

Leslie Jones: You the head of the cracker. And I saw all these young dudes, you know, who looked like they were born after Martin was canceled. You know what I’m saying? And I thought to myself, “What a waste of good equipment.” They don’t know what to do with it, but I do. I got 30 years in the game, homie. So, I realized I can help them. I can coach them. You know? I can be like a hung like a horse whisperer! And I whisper to all shapes and sizes. I even whispered to a few ponies. It don’t matter what size it is. Don’t lie to us about what you packing. Coz we’re gonna see it eventually. And it will disappoint us. Do not promise me a rack of ribs and then show up with a little penis. And you don’t have to lie anyway coz most men are fine. My entire life, I’ve only seen like two or three, you might call like, you know, travel size. But even if that’s all you got, own it! Even a thumb drive can hold a lot of data. Step it up in other ways. The thing men today– [Colin laughing]

Colin Jost: Step it up with your hands!

Leslie Jones: The thing men today are lacking is confidence. You gotta have confidence. Confidence is sexy. Back in the days, we had confident strong men, like the Marlboro man and the browny Paper Towel dude, or Mr. Clean. You know those was real men.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, they are literally not real men.

Leslie Jones: Shut up! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz the only thing we got now is that cheap ass Trivago dude. Always trying to get me to go to some discount motel rooms. Or that creepy ass Captain Obvious. The only thing obvious about him is that he got a couple of bodies in his trunk. That ain’t sexy and it definitely ain’t confident. You gotta have confidence about yourself. And whatever equipment you got, you gotta believe in it. You gotta see your equipment through our eyes. So for all the dudes who are watching right now, go get a mirror. I’ll wait. Now, pull your pants down. Raise your shirt up, don’t pull your shirt all the way up, just raise it up. Put your shirt under your chin like this, and put the mirror in front of your junk like this. And to quote Maya Angelou, [everyone laughing] “No matter the size in between your thighs, you can still rise.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Weekend Update Jennifer Aniston and Rachel Green

Colin Jost

Rachel… Vanessa Bayer

Jennifer Aniston

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, 90’s nostalgia is still growing as a TV trend with reboots like Fuller House and Gilmore Girls. Here to comment is Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachel slides in]

Rachel: What? Wow! Oh! Yeah! Hi, oh, oh, Colin. Yeah. Hi. Oh.

Colin Jost: Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. I’m, um, um, I’m, you know, I’m, um, um, I’m good.

Colin Jost: Wow. And now, why do you think people are so nostalgic for the 90s?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, yeah. You know, the 90s are great. You know, you go to work, uh, uh, you go on dates and you go to cafes with your friends and you all sit facing camera. Yeah! Hey, hey, you know, Joey had a really, really bad audition and we’re all gonna talk about it tonight at a– at- at the boy apartment. You, um, you should come.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a tray of cookies.]

Rachel: Oh, no. Urgh! Oh! I burned these cookies. Mon… is gonna kill me. Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Colin Jost: What just happened? What was that?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, what? Oh, yeah, yeah, I don’t know. I think that just happens when I say a sentence that, uh, uh, that sounds complete. Yeah, uh, like, uh, like, I’ll see you tonight, don’t be late.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a towel and a hairbrush.]

Rachel: Oh! Colin! Oh! You scared me. I was just in the shower. Ah!

Colin Jost: What?

Rachel: What? What? Oh, yeah. Well, uh, what, uh, yeah. Well, uh, yeah, well, what? Oh, you know, well, what? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. What? Oh, yeah.

[Jeniffer Aniston slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer and Jennifer Aniston]

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, what are you doing?

Vanessa Bayer: What? Oh, what, yeah. Hi.

Jennifer Aniston: Wait, uh, can you just– can you just drop that for a second?

Vanessa Bayer: Um, yeah.

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, come on.

Vanessa Bayer: Oh. Sorry, Jen. What re you doing here?

Jennifer Aniston: What? For the last twelve days you’ve been texting me everyday to come and visit you. Listen, honey, I know that you love F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and we had such a great time making our movie together, but you gotta really try to stop texting me everyday.

Vanessa Bayer: Yeah, I know. I just texted coz I thought we could hang, coz I don’t know, I think you’re like, the best.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, that’s so sweet, honey. You are too, but you now, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was like 5 million and five years ago, so I think we just gotta move on.

Vanessa Bayer: Well, I– I don’t know. I thought, coz I do this great bit as Rachel, so.

Jennifer Aniston: Is it a great bit though? I mean, all it kind of just sounds all you’re doing is like, “What? Oh! What? Me? Oh, wow! No! What?”

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Wow, is it like this? What? Wow!

Jennifer Aniston: No! Vanessa! No, I don’t do that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel]Come on! Phoebs! Ross! Oh, Ross!

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! Alright, fine. You wanna go grab some nachos after the show?

Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah, that’s right. You love Mexican. That’s my favorite too. Um, I’d love to. See you there!

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston, Vanessa Bayer and Colin Jost. There’s nachos on the table.]

Colin Jost: Wait! How does that happen, that’s so jarring.

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston and Vanessa Bayer]

Jennifer Aniston: I don’t know.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] What? I don’t know.

Jennifer Aniston: I do not sound like that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Oh, no. What?

Colin Jost: Jennifer Aniston and Rachel, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door]

[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck  and Alex  enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

The Hunt for Hil

Rafe Degraw… Beck Bennett

Coop Dixon… Kyle Mooney

Michelle… Vanessa Bayer

Tuketo… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of mythical creatures]

Rafe Degraw narrating: Bigfoot. The Loch Ness monster. All rarely seen. All shrouded in mystery. And tonight, we’re headed to the woods of West Chester county to search for the most elusive legend of all, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Rafe Degraw.

Rafe Degraw: Wait, did you hear that?

Rafe Degraw narrating: With my partner, Coop Dixon.

Coop Dixon: There’s something here, man!

Rafe Degraw narrating: And this is “The Hunt for Hil”. Our search begins in the woods of Chappaqua where Hillary Clinton has recently been sighted by a bunch of white people with Facebook accounts. But where is she now? We wet out to find her. Trap her. And thank her. And for that, we needed help.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon visits Michelle]

Rafe Degraw: So, Michelle, you’ve seen Hillary Clinton?

Michelle: I have. [Cut to the reenactment video] I was in my kitchen washing pans when I saw something moving through the woods. [someone walks through the bushes and Michelle gets scared] It was blonde, about 5’6“. It seemed like kind of wanted some time to itself. So, I immediately started running after it.

[Michelle is showing the video she recorded of Hillary Clinton]

Voice in the video: Hillary, wait. I just want to thank you.

Hillary Clinton: Welcome.

Voice in the video: Hillary! Wait!

[Hillary starts running]

Michelle: I think that’s her.

Rafe Degraw: That’s her. You did a great job.

Rafe Degraw narrating: We decided to check out the spot where Michelle had her sighting to see if there was any trace of Hil.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are in the woods]

Coop Dixon: Hey, Rafe, you’re gonna want to see this. [showing a footprint] That’s a woman’s shoe right there. Size six. Look, see how there’s no heel?

Rafe Degraw: It’s Hillary.

Rafe Degraw narrating: She was definitely close. So I decided to try and communicate with her.

Rafe Degraw: [making laughing noise] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: What are you doing?

Rafe Degraw: Shh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: It’s not gonna work.

Rafe Degraw: Just hold on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Hillary Clinton laughing]

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are looking around]

Rafe Degraw narrating: We could hear her laugh but we couldn’t see her. And it was getting dark. So we decided to lure her to us with the one thing we knew would entice her. An article about the recount in Wisconsin. We placed it at the edge of the woods, set up our night vision, and waited. She never showed. But the next morning when we checked, the article had clearly been read. Because in the very bottom corner, there was a little note that said, “Thank you, H.” It was our last day in Chappaqua and we had just one more idea. But it was crazy one.

[Cut to Atiketo sitting in the trees. He is a forest shaman.]

Atiketo: Hello?

Rafe Degraw: Tuketo, you say you are one with the trees.

Tuketo: Yes. I have lived my whole life in these Chappaqua woods. The trees whisper their secrets to me.

Coop Dixon: Can you ask them where Hillary Clinton is?

Tuketo: Of course. One moment. [Gibberish] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh! She’s buying eggs at a grocery store.

Rafe Degraw narrating: Next week, the search moves to a Shoprite, only on “The Hunt for Hil”.

Posters

Shawn… Pete Davidson

Snowboarder… Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Walton P… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]

Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.

[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.]

[The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]

Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.

Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.

Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.

[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]

Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?

Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.

Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.

Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?

Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?

[Cut to another poster of Walton P]

Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!

Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.

Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”

Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.

Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…

Snowboarder: The slopes…

Kate: The Battlefield.

Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.

Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.

Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.

Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.

Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.

Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.

Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.

Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.

Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.

Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?

Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.

Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.

Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…

Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?

Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.

Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.

Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.

Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.

Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah!

[Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]

Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.

[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!

Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.

Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro!

[alarm ringing]

Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.

Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.

Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.

[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”

High School Theatre Show with Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Emma Stone

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Woodbridge High School, Student Theatre Showcase intro]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School’s Student Theatre Showcase.

Emma: Written and directed by us. The students.

Aidy: And yes, it’s very hard for us to be up here doing theatre during this current political climate.

Emma: But now, more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

Aidy: So without further due, please enjoy our show. Now more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[The lights turn on]

Kyle: We open on a very dark days to the world.

Beck: Okay Jews, let’s go.

[the actors are in line]

Emma: Mommy, do we have to?

Kate: Yes, honey. That’s the rules of the holocaust.

Emma: Okay, mommy. And mommy, one more question, what year is it again?

Kate: Honey, you know what year it is. Its… 2017.

All: Surprise!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

Kenan: I always forget how bad these are.

Vanessa: Ah! That one kind of made a good point though.

Kenan: They can never know you said that.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: Look, look, it’s Kylie Jenner.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Emma: Look, look, it’s Chris Hemsworth.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Mikey: Look, look, it’s …a scientist.

All: Ah, no thanks. Wow!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Uh, the program says, “Tonight’s proceeds go to Standing Rock, let’s get those native Americans the pipeline they want.”

Kenan: Yeah. I don’t think they know what’s happening there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are speaking in foreign language]

Emma: And scene. Excuse me, ma’am, could you understand that?

Vanessa: Um, no.

Emma: Is it because we were speaking Mandarin?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

Emma: And you only know English?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

All: Sad!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was not Mandarin. I heard them say dog in Spanish a few times.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: [coughing] Yep, you guessed it. I have AIDS. I used to be sad about my AIDS. I didn’t want AIDS. My AIDS made me feel less then. But now, I don’t let AIDS define me.

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, this one’s actually nice.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: I’m okay with AIDS. I love my AIDS. I’m glad I have AIDS and I wish everyone in the world had AIDS. Because frankly, AIDS…

All: Rocks!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: That sort of became pro-getting-AIDS.

Kenan: Yeah, she over shot the runway at the end there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Hey guys, for this next part, we’re gonna do something really fun. We’ve been studying improv all semester. So, all we need is a word and we’ll use it to inform this next scene.

Kenan: Basketball.

Beck: Okay, basketball. Here we go.

Emma: Honey, why are you crying?

Kyle: A kid at school called me a fairy.

Emma: Ah! Don’t listen to him. it’s great to be gay. I love you no matter who you are.

Kyle: Thanks mom. That’s important for me to hear.

Emma: Of course. Now go wash up for dinner.

Kyle: What are we having?

Emma: Basketball!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That’s it?

Vanessa: I paid $1,000 for that improv class.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are kissing each other]

Kate: How about from now on, less shooting more kissing?

All: Black lives matter.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was their Black Lives Matter scene?

Vanessa: I’m pretty sure they all just wanted to kiss each other and then made it about something.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors bow down]

Emma: Thank you. That’s our show.

Aidy: And remember guys, don’t throw away your tickets, coz if you save them, you can frame them. Yes.

[The End]