Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Florida Stop

John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Teresa Heintz-Kerry…..Maya Rudolph
James Carville…..Ben Affleck
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, Florida hotel, night ]

[ SUPER: “Kerry Campaign Stop, South Florida” ]

John Kerry V/O: So, in conclusion, let me restate my position.

[ dissolve to interior hotel room, John Kerry on the phone with Room Service, as his wife, Teresa Heintz-Kerry, sits, watching hopefully ]

John Kerry: I would like to order one B.L.T. and one Caeser salad, with two place settings and a third napkin. I’m John Kerry, and I approved that order. [ hangs up ] Well, Theresa, wasn’t I wonderful in the debate?

Teresa Heintz-Kerry: John.. the election is in thirty-one days.. and we need to make them love you.. the way they love you. Teresa.. Heintz.. Kerry. [ stands to sing ] “Getting to knoooooowwww yoooouu.. getting to know all abooooouut yoooouuu!”

[ James Carville barges into the room ]

James Carville: Aw, now, cut out that singing there, Teresa!

John Kerry: James Carville!

James Carville: That’s right, that’s right. Teresa, we got voters out there, and you sound crazier than a tomcat in a bag of squirrels! We can’t have that now.

Teresa Heintz-Kerry: James, you are the best! [ rubs Carville’s bald head ] Come on!

John Kerry: So, tell us, James – are you here to congratulate me on my debate performance, or is your visit serendipitous?

James Carville: Serendipitous? John, you use to many words! Don’t get too excited! Now, you beat George Bush in a talkin’ contest, that’s like Wilt Chamberlain playing basketball against Stephen Hawking and beatin’ him by two points! The man can’t talk, John!

Teresa Heintz-Kerry: [ enthusiastically ] Ooh! This is exciting! I’m so glad we’re running for President! [ her enthusiasm unreturned, she shrinks into the background ]

James Carville: John.. [ sighs ] We gotta get your more tough, you know what I’m sayin’? We gotta get you more.. more Republican! Give you some edge, you know? They say you a flip-flopper! What you say back?

John Kerry: Well, I’d try to explain that my voting record has many nuances —

James Carville: [ interrupting ] Whoa, ah, I just fell asleep! And when I woke up, you lost the whole election right there! now.. now, try this. You call me a flip-flopper!

John Kerry: You’re a flip-flopper.

Teresa Heintz-Kerry: No, I’m not! Next question!

John Kerry: Now, James, I am gaining in the polls.

James Carville: Yeah, you did good, but you gotta do better! Your advisors tell you to be more human, what do ya’ do? You go wind surfing. You want to be more human, you got to do people things! Play baseball, drive a car, use a telephone. We got wind blowin’ down people’s homes in Florida, and what John Kerry doin’ with that wind? He’s surfin’ on it, havin’ a grand ol’ time!

John Kerry: Now, now. that’s not entirely fair.

James Carville: Hey, hey, Democrats always want fair! I told ya’, we gotta get more Republican! Dick Chenrey goes on TV, says that if people vote for you, we gonna get hit by terrorists. Let me tell you what I would do if Dick Cheney said something like that about me? alright? I’d go to his house in the wintertime, fill his basement with water, kick in all the windows, let it freeze solid like a rock! Alright? Then the ice expands, his whole house a-crumble down around him, I’d just be sittin’ up there on a hill laughin’ at him: “Ha ha, look at you, Dick Cheney! Lookit!” What you do about it, John Kerry? Nothin’!

John Kerry: Now, just a moment —

James Carville: And another thing – please, God almighty, if you go the Pottery Barn, it’s not “You break it, you fix it.” Why the hell you say that? Have you ever been to a Pottery Barn?!

John Kerry: No, no, I’ve never been there.

James Carville: Of course not!

[ a knock sounds on the hotel room door ]

John Kerry: [ happily ] Ahhhh, our sustanance has arrived!

James Carville: It’s room service, John! Use the small words!

[ the door opens, and former President Bill Clinton, dressed in a Hawaiian flower shirt, enters pushing a room service cart ]

Bill Clinton: [ looking off-screen ] I’ve got it from here, Consuela! Stay sweet! [ enters the room ] Carville, we gotta wrap this up. I want to get back down to that swimming pool.

John Kerry: Bill, I thought you were recuperating?

Bill Clinton: Look, I couldn’t sit around in some hosiptal bed, when there’s so much to be done.

John Kerry: Bill, I don’t need any more campaign advice.

Bill Clinton: Campaign? That’s not why I’m here! I’m in Florida because these hurricanes have put a lot of trailer park ladies on the street. [ nods his head ] And the only thing better than a trailer park girl.. is one.. that.. is.. desperate! And, one that is wet. [ moves close to Teresa ] What’s up, buttercup?

John Kerry: Hey, hey, watch it, Bill! That’s my wife you’re talking to!

[ John and Teresa begin to caress one another, in a way best described by James Carville: ]

James Carville: Oh, now. Lord have mercy, John. Watchin’ you two show affection’s like watchin’ two lobsters in a kung fu movie.

Bill Clinton: I.. [ chuckles ] I agree!

James Carville: I thought you might.

Bill Clinton: [ moves closer to Teresa again ] Teresa Heintz, you are a firecracker. I can think of 57 varieties of things I’d like to do to you!

John Kerry: Bill!

Bill Clinton: And I would do it with relish.

John Kerry: Bill, I am begging you!

Bill Clinton: You can run, Teresa.. but I’ll catch up! [ laughs out loud at his own joke ] You know, I know that was bad, James, but it felt so damn good!

James Carville: [ laughs ] That was hilarious. But now’s not the time laughin’ and goofin’ around and all. [ to John Kerry ] Zell Miller says you give the troops spitballs to defend themselves. And what did you do? Nothin’. You know what I would do?

John Kerry: You’d fill his basement with water.

James Carville: No, no, no! See, now, I already did that, they’d know it was me! Alright? I’d go to Zell Miller’s house, when he’s not there. And I’d steal everything but his camera and a toothbrush. A couple of weeks later, he goes to pick up his pictures at the Photomat, you know what happens? [ zestfully ] I jump out from behind a tree and hit him with a baseball bat! That’s right, make him think twice about goin’ after Jimmy Carville there!

Bill Clinton: I have only one thing to say: Trust.. this.. man. Now, John.. if I can give you one piece of advice from my life in politics, one thing I could change, it is this: ditch the wife. [ turns toward the door ] Come on, Carville – grab the cart.

James Carville: You got it, Mr. President.

[ Clinton exits the hotel room, as Carville pushes the cart out the door ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

The Escalator

Soccer Mom #1…..Rachel Dratch
Soccer Mom #2…..Amy Poehler
Young Man…..Ben Affleck
Business Man…..Chris Parnell
Hospital Employee…..Horatio Sanz
Maria…..Maya Rudolph
Fireman #1…..Will Forte
Fireman #2…..Rob Riggle

[open on exterior of a shopping mall with title: “Woodfield Mall, Schaumburgh, Illinois”]

[dissolve to interior, with six people standing on a descending elevator while pleasant muzak plays]

Soccer Mom #1: You know, I want to stop by Nine West on the way out.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, yeah, they’re having a great sale this week.

Soccer Mom #1: I could really use some new mules.

Soccer Mom #2: That would be great.

[escalator stops moving and muzak stops]

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God. What’s going on?

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, the escalator stopped.

Young Man: All right, everybody just calm down.

Business Man: Excuse me, but what’s going on.

Young Man: We’re stuck between floors.

Hospital Employee: Isn’t there a button we can press, or something?

Soccer Mom #2: Don’t worry everybody; I have my cell phone. I’ll just call–Damn it! I’m not getting any cell phone reception!

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God! We’re trapped!

[dramatic music plays]

Young Man: All right. Just relax, everybody. I’m sure someone’s notice the elevator stopped, and we’ll be moving in no time.

Maria: ¿Qué es el problema?

Business Man: The problem? Ah, we’re suck.

Maria: ¿Qué?

Business Man: Oh, great. Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Hospital Employee: Look, we can’t be stuck. [holds up a cooler] I gotta get this kidney to the hospital in twenty minutes!

Business Man: And I’ve got a huge business presentation that my job depends on, so how about that?!

Soccer Mom #2: I have children that depend on me!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: I can’t breathe! [Young Man walks carefully down to just below the two soccer moms] I can’t breathe!

Young Man: Lady, calm down! Calm down! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

[Young Man shouts in frustration, startling everybody]

[Maria cries out in pain, clutching her stomach, and we can see that she is pregnant]

Hospital Employee: Hey, guys, I think this lady’s going into labor!

Business Man: Help! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting for help]

Young Man: Look, screaming isn’t going to do us any good. Does anyone have a rope or a grappling hook?

Maria: ¡Mi bebé está viniendo ahora! ¡Ahora!

Soccer Mom #1: Would somebody shut her up?! Shut up! Just shut up!

Young Man: Quiet! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: I’ve been taking the stairs for fifteen years! “Save a little time. Take the escalator.” Idiot! Idiot!

Hospital Employee: Oh, boy, this kidney isn’t looking so hot. I hope Senator Williams can hold on for three more hours.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, my God. I’m so scared.

Young Man: Don’t be scared. I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.

Soccer Mom #2: You promise? [puts her hand on Young Man’s cheek]

Young Man: Cross my heart and hope to–

Soccer Mom #2: [puts her hand on Young Man’s mouth] Shhhhh, don’t say it. Just show it.

[Young Man and Soccer Mom #2 kiss]

[the escalator jars suddenly, and everybody shouts]

Business Man: Okay, I have to get out of here, now!

Hospital Employee: I’m gonna be in trouble. Why was I shopping with this thing, anyway?

Business Man: Who cares about your damn kidney?!

Soccer Mom #1: Shut up! Everybody just shut up!

Young Man: Damn it! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: That’s it! I’m getting out of here!

Young Man: No, everyone stay put!

Business Man: Why? So we can watch each other die?! Forget it! Forget you! See you later, suckers! [jumps off the side of the escalator]

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: Nooooo!!!!!

Young Man: That was stupid, stupid, stupid.

[Maria cries out in pain]

Hospital Employee: Oh, no! Something’s poking out down there!

[Maria’s breathing is strained]

Hospital Employee: Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out.

Young Man: All right, I’m going up there.

Soccer Mom #2: Sweetheart, be careful.

Young Man: I’ll be fine. You just take care of you.

Soccer Mom #2: I love you.

Young Man: I love you. [turns towards the top of the escalator] All right. [struggles to climb to where Maria is standing]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, God. Be careful.

Hospital Employee: Are you a doctor?

Young Man: I am now. ¿Cómo te llama?

Maria: Maria.

Young Man: Maria, hola. ¿Cómo estas?

Maria: ¿Muy bien, gracias, y tu?

Young Man: Muy bien, muy bien. [speaks additionally in Spanish]

Maria: Okay.

[Young man says one word in Spanish, and Maria begins pushing and grunting loudly]

Young Man: Push! Push! Come on Maria! [lifts up the baby]

Hospital Employee: It’s a boy! A baby boy!

Pilot: [voice from above] Hello! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: We’re stuck down here! Hurry, please! Augh!

Pilot: [voice from above] Don’t worry, we’re sending someone down to get you out of there.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God!

[a rope is thrown down from above, and Fireman #1 descends into frame]

Fireman #1: Did anyone call for a rescue? [the rope suddenly catches] Oh, God, no! [he falls]

Young Man: Is that the best you can do?! Is that the best you can do?! Come and get me, God! I’m here!

Soccer Mom #1: We’re all gonna die!

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, shut up! [backhands Soccer Mom #1] Wait a minute! Look! [points towards the bottom of the escalator] Oh!

Fireman #2: [walking upwards from below] I found a way out. You’re all gonna be safe. Just follow me.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Everybody, quickly, quickly.

[Fireman #2 takes Soccer Mom #1’s hand and escorts her down, followed by Maria and Hospital Employee, who begins to drop his cooler]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, watch out for the–watch out for the kidney.

[dramatic music turns into a romantic melody]

Young Man: What are you doing for the next forty-five years of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: I’m married.

Young Man: Oh. What are you doing for the next four to five minutes of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: Having sex with you in the back seat of my Honda Odyssey.

Young Man: I had a feeling. Come on! [picks up Soccer Mom #2 and carries her, piggyback, down the escalator]

[Music out: “Morning After” by Maureen McGovern (from “The Poseiden Adventure”)]

[title: “The End”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Debbie Downer

Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Ronnie…..Ben Affleck
Ronnie’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ronnie’s Uncle…..Horatio Sanz
Friend #1…..Amy Poehler
Friend #2…..Fred Armisen

(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says “Happy 35th Ronnie!”)

All: Happy birthday to you!

Friend #1: Make a wish!

(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells “Yay!”)

Friend #2: What’d you wish for?

Ronnie: Can’t tell ya; it won’t come true!

Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!

Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)

Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I’d wish they’d release the British hostage in Iraq.

(wah wahhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s pained demeanor)

Jingle:
“You’re enjoying your day
Everything’s going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You’ll beg her to spare you
Debbie, please!
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!

Ronnie’s Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!

Ronnie: All right, here’s a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday…my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.

Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne’s out of the picture.

Friend #1: Jeanne? Who’s Jeanne?

Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They’re still counting the fatalities in Haiti.

(wah wahhhhhhhh; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)

Ronnie’s Wife: Um…you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)

Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!

Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I’ll do it.

Debbie: First it was Cha–

Friend #1: All right!

Debbie: First it was Charley…

(wah wah)

Debbie: Then Frances.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Ivan.

(wah wah)

Debbie: And Jeanne.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl’s got in store?

(wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in even further on Debbie’s face)

(pained expressions by other partygoers)

Friend #1: Okay! Why don’t you open mine first?

Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let’s see what we got here….Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.

Debbie: Oh…I haven’t been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie again)

(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)

Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?

Ronnie’s Uncle: It’s mine, there, Ronnie.

Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well…what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod…thank you so much.

Ronnie’s Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.

Ronnie: You know…we should go Saturday!

Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!

Ronnie: Wouldn’t that be fun?

Ronnie’s Uncle: Done deal.

(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)

Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don’t cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.

(wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie making an “unsure” facial expression)

Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what’d you get your sweetie for his birthday?

Ronnie’s Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s gonna be incredible.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah!

Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s worried facial expression)

Ronnie: We’re not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah. We’re going to see elephants in their natural habitat.

Debbie: Well, that’s cool. See ’em now…populations are dwindling.

(elephant wah wah sound; zoom in on Debbie)

Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!

Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.

Ronnie: Yeah, I’m excited.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah.

Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?

Friend #1: What?

Debbie: Well, if I don’t get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in)

(everyone looks pissed off)

Debbie: By the way, it’s official — they’ve located my birth mother. Deceased.

(deeper wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)

Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum…I didn’t say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.

Debbie: (shakes finger) It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)

Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh…I gotta get a drink.

Ronnie’s Wife: Honey, no! The party’s just starting. We are taking you dancing.

Friend #1: Yeah, let’s go! *everyone jumps up*

Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can’t stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man’s coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.

(wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s half-grin)

(end title card)

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” (wahhh wah)

Debbie: “Bird flu’s even deadlier than SARS.”

Submitted by: Mike Halterman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Wedding DJ

Amy Poehler…..Bride
Rob Riggle…..Groom
Ben Affleck…..DJ Ranger
Fred Armisen…..Father Matachuck
Will Forte…..Brian

Bride: I love you.

Groom: I love you.

DJ Ranger: What up? Hey there lovebirds I’m all set up over in my booth so when y’all ready DJ Ranger is gonna get this party started, alright y’all just holla back to me now.

Bride: Ok.

DJ Ranger: Feel me.

Bride: Is this the DJ we decided on?

Groom: Yeah, he came with the ballroom.

Bride: Ok, well um I think we’re gonna say grace and then we’re gonna have dinner before the dancing and everything.

DJ Ranger: Alright, well believe me I know how all this goes, I’ve done literally mizzillions of wizzeddings, you know what I’m talking about.

Groom: wizzedding, what’s a wizzedding?

Bride: I’m not sure.

DJ Ranger: alright, hello ballroom B this is DJ Ranger and y’all are in danger, bads and the loudies are in the house tonight let me hear you!(pause for applause) Come on now you can do better than that let me here ya! (pause for applause) Alright its benediction time. Y’all ready top prizzay? Who’s your daddy? It’s Father Matachuck, check it out here it comes.

(Father comes in)

DJ Ranger: alright Father it’s time to bring it down on a real tip we’re gonna get serious with a prayer, alright break ‘em off father.

Father Matachuck: Dear Lord, let us pray.

(“Sister Christian” plays)

Father Matachuck: Father, please bless this beautiful young couple as they start their new lives together teach them patience and love for one another, and bless this food so it will nourish our bodies amen.

Bride: Amen

DJ Ranger: Woo! “Motoring,” there it is “What’s Your Price for Flight,” lalalala, let’s hear it for Father Matachuck, break him off, break him off, alright Father stay away from the kiddy tables alright, I’m just playing, I’m just playing. Alright, listen, the name of the game is suck and blow alright everybody at the table, y’all grab a napkin, right.

Groom: Hey, hey, hey.

DJ Ranger: Yo, what up?

Groom: Uh, look we kinda want this wedding to be more chill so maybe no games or shout outs, cool?

DJ Ranger: Alright, that’s cool. Alright sorry everybody looks like the bride and groom wanna leave suck and blow for the honeymoon, swizzle! Ok, I’m playing I’m playing. Yo seriously y’all, its time to toast yo. Let’s welcome the best man, Ashley’s little brother Brian. Yo, B-boy get up in this buu, give the speech, give the speech.

Brian: Thank you, what a wonderful day we’ve all had so far we’re all excited for the new Mrs. and Mr. Baird, nobody more so than Mom, whose looking down from heaven, uh.

(“Wild Thing” starts playing)

Brian: Mom would have been so proud of you today, Ashley and you look so beautiful in her wedding dress, you know if mom could be here today I know what she would say,(to DJ) can you cut it please, can you please cut this?

DJ Ranger: Alright.

Brian: Thank you, thank you very much, anyway uh Mom wrote a poem before she passed and she asked me to read on your wedding day so uh here it is: an angel is a smile that fate,

(siren blazes)

DJ Ranger: Uh-oh somebody just set off the booty alarm!

Brian: Dude, I’m trying to read a poem written by my dead mother.

DJ Ranger: I know but someone set off the booty alarm, yo!

Brian: Oh, forget it!

DJ Ranger: Alright, I can feel it’s time to get movin’ and groovin’, dancin’ for the first time as husband and wife to a song they selected Joel and Ashley Baird, hit it.

(“Who Let the Dogs Out” starts playing)

Bride: What? This isn’t our song!

DJ Ranger: Sure about that?

Bride: Yeah I’m sure, we wanted that Norah Jones song.

DJ Ranger: Norah Jones?

Bride: Yeah, we can’t dance to this, we need a slow song.

DJ Ranger: Alright, check it!

(DJ slows down the record, starts dancing suggestively behind the bride)

Bride: This is awful!

Groom: Honey, just ignore him; come on now sweetie, this is our wedding alright just look at me alright. We’re married, that’s all that matters, ok dude that’s enough.

Bride: I told you we should have gotten a band!

Groom: No you didn’t.

Bride: Yes I did.

Groom: Maybe in your head you did.

Bride: What’s that suppose to mean?

DJ Ranger: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, their first fight as a married couple! Can you feel it? Its electric boogie woogie woogie woogie woogie!

(Electric slide song starts playing, DJ starts dancing)

Bride: Oh my god!

Groom: Ashley, honey, sweetie, wait!

DJ Ranger: For this next song, I need all the bride’s friends to take off their bras!

Submitted by: NeuroticKitten21

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer….Chris Parnell
President Geroge W. Bush….Will Forte
Senator John Kerry….Seth Meyers

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. From the University of Miami Convocation Center in Coral Gables, Florida, I’m Jim Lehrer of the News Hour on PBS. [expecting applause] Hm? [audience quiet] Okay.Anyway, I welcome you to the first of the 2004 Presidential debates between President George W. Bush, the Republican nominee, and Senator John Kerry, the Democratic nominee. Before we begin, let’s go over the ground rules, which have been carefully worked out by representatives of the two campaigns. As moderator I will ask all questions, including follow-ups. The candidates may not ask each other questions, interrupt one another, wave to each other, or make any unnecessary eye contact. In addition, the candidates have agreed not to leave their respective podiums to approach on another. And in order to enforce this rule they have been fitted with special collars, which will keep them inside an invisible fence running 30 inches out from the center of their lecterns. And here I would like to acknowledge the generous assistance of the good folks at Smart Fence Incorporated – for forty years, Southern Florida’s leader in world class pet containment systems. Now let’s meet the candidates.

[cut to show Bush and Kerry greeting each other, Kerry seemingly about two feet taller than Bush]

Jim Lehrer: Both candidates know the format. I will direct the first question to President Bush, and whatever the nature of the question, he will try to change the subject to 9/11. After a follow-up I will ask Senator Kerry to respond, and the Senator will remind the audience that he served in Vietnam. Following Senator Kerry’s rebuttal, there will be a brief disruption by demonstrators from Act Up, and after order is restored we will continue with a question for the Senator. So let’s begin.President Bush, the official position of your administration continues to be that Iraq will hold elections in January. Given the chaotic situation in that country, how will this be possible?

President George W. Bush: Jim, uh, our plan in Iraq has always been a three-phase plan. Phase One: invade the country, free a people and remove a brutal dictator. No one will deny that Phase One was a complete success.

Jim Lehrer: What about Phase Two?

President George W. Bush: As we all know, there are those in Iraq who want freedom- who don’t want freedom for that country. The Saddam loyalists, the insurgents, the terrorists. In Phase Two we smoke these folks out, by letting them think they’re winning, you know. Convincing them that we don’t know what we’re doing. In other words, lulling them into a false sense of security. And that’s where we are right now – Phase Two, the Lulling Phase. And, despite what our critics would tell you, it’s- it’s workin’! Terrorist confidence and moral have never been higher.

Jim Lehrer: And what happens in Phase Three?

President George W. Bush: Jim, uh… you know, uh… we’re will working on Phase Three. You know, uh… and believe me, uh, we’re workin’ hard. Cause it’s… you know, it’s hard work. And we’re… workin’ hard. Just… every day, you know… workin’ evenings… ordering in. Workin’ hard together.

[cut to split-screen with Bush and Kerry, who is taking a ridiculous amount of notes]

President George W. Bush: Now, to answer your question, we, uh… we don’t know all the details yet. But, basically in Phase Three, we crush the terrorists, then hold elections so the Iraqi people can choose their own destiny. ‘Cause I believe all people want freedom, don’t you?

Jim Lehrer: Absolutely, but when you say “crush the terrorists”, how exactly do you plan to do that?

President George W. Bush: Well, uh… by workin’ hard… workin’ Saturdays…

Jim Lehrer: … So your plan is to crush the terrorists by coming in on Saturdays?

President George W. Bush: If that’s what it takes.

Jim Lehrer: Senator Kerry, your response.

Sen. John Kerry: A Silver Star, a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts.

Jim Lehrer: Excuse me?

Sen. John Kerry: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were asking me what decorations I won in Vietnam.

Jim Lehrer: No, I wanted your reaction to the President’s plan.

Sen. John Kerry: [gesturing excessively] Jim, the fact is this administration lied to the American people. We were told Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. That it was about to acquire these weapons. That it was involved closely with al Qaeda. [cut to split-screen, showing Bush looking completely bewildered] And after misleading us into a war, we now find out this President doesn’t even have a plan to win the peace. He doesn’t, but I do.

Jim Lehrer: And what is your plan, Senator?

Sen. John Kerry: [still gesturing] I will do what this President should have done in the first place, which is enlist the help of our European allies so that the future of Iraq is not solely America’s responsibility.

Jim Lehrer: But Senator, given that many European governments were reluctant to come on board before the invasion, how would you convince them to step in now?

Sen. John Kerry: [still gesturing] Jim, I would sit down with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia, and I would explain to them why we simply can’t afford to ignore Iraq. I would remind them that Iraq maintains vast stock piles of weapons of mass destruction, that it’s actively seeking to acquire nuclear weapons, that it’s closely allied with al Qaeda, it was almost certainly behind 9/11.

Jim Lehrer: But, just a few minutes ago, didn’t you say that none of that was true?

Sen. John Kerry: I changed my mind.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, continuing with Senator Kerry’s point, suppose we fail to stop the insurgency in Iraq, do you have a contingency plan to restore stability in the country?

President George W. Bush: Well, of course we do, Jim… we, uh, we work hard, you know… we came up with the contingency plan., you know, uh… that’s our job, you know and… and it’s hard work, thinking of a plan, you know, uh… let alone two plans, you know… a regular plan and a contingency plan, you know, uh… a lotta long hours… reading documents and, uh… sitting in meetings and, you know, like, you know, uh… we came in on Sunday once.

Jim Lehrer: Could you describe the contingency plan?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, let me first say I don’t believe this contingency plan will be necessary because, you know, the fact is we are, uh, you know… we’re winning. But, uh, you know if by some chance it should prove impossible to restore stability in time for elections, you know, the backup plan would be to replace Mr. Allawi with a more forceful, authoritarian leader. Someone who can bring order to Iraq until it’s ready for democracy.

Jim Lehrer: And that leader would be…?

President George W. Bush: … Saddam Hussein?

Jim Lehrer: [pause] So… you’re considering restoring Saddam Hussein to power?

President George W. Bush: You know, uh, that’s the back-up plan… was that our first choice? Of course not! You know, that’s why it’s just a backup… uh, although I will say that, you know, if you’re looking for a strong, decisive leader, you could do a lot worse that Saddam Hussein. He ran the country for thirty years, so he’s got the experience, you know, uh… there would be no on-the-job training with Saddam Hussein. First day, he’d hit the ground running, you know, plus he… you know, he works hard… puts in the, you know, the… long hours. Eats at his desk. Comes in weekends… and, uh, unlike my opponent, once- once Saddam Hussein takes a position, he sticks to it. You know, he doesn’t shift in the wind.

Jim Lehrer: Senator, the President appears to be leveling a charge he frequently repeats against you, that you’re a flip-flopper. How do you respond?

Sen. John Kerry: My opponent will like you to believe that I’ve changed my opinion on the war. The fact is I have one position, and one position only. Was Saddam a threat? Yes. I’ve said so since day one. Was his regime dangerous to the security of the United States? Of course not. Did he deserve to be removed? You bet. Was it the right action to remove him from power? No way. Was he in possession of weapons of mass destruction? Absolutely. Did he possess these weapons? No he did not. And that has always been my position.

Jim Lehrer: President Bush, your response.

President George W. Bush: He, you know, he… there he goes again, Jim. I don’t know how you can win a war if you keep saying “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.”

Jim Lehrer: I don’t think he said that.

President George W. Bush: Well, I- I thought I heard him say that.

Jim Lehrer: No, sir, he did not. He said plenty of nonsensical things, anyone of which you could very easily refute. But just now he did not say anything close to “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.”

[cut to split-screen]

President George W. Bush: You didn’t?

[Kerry shakes his head]

Jim Lehrer: With that this debate comes to a close. Each candidate will now make a brief closing statement. Senator Kerry.

Sen. John Kerry: You know, this President like to talk, about how I called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time. That a few days later, how I say that anyone who doesn’t think the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein, is not fit be Commander in Chief. But what he doesn’t tell you is that when I denounced the war in Iraq , I was speaking to an anti-war group. And when I endorsed the war, I was addressing a pro-war delegation from the UGA. The fact of the matter is I have consistently supported the war in front of pro-war audiences, and condemned it when speaking to groups that oppose it. That is not flip-flopping, that is pandering! And America deserves a President who knows the difference. Thank you.

Jim Lehrer: President Bush.

President George W. Bush: You know, September 11th changed how America must look at the world. I wake up everyday… and work hard. You know, thinking about how to protect America, you know… it’s my job. And it’s hard… it’s hard work. Frankly, I don’t know why- why my opponent even wants this job, you know… cause it’s hard. You know, a lot of people… working at meetings and… you know, it’s hard work and… [a buzzer interrupts]

Jim Lehrer: And with that, tonight’s debate comes to a close. Thank you, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice

Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Rob Riggle

[open on a woman in a bedroom, dressed casually in what might be pajamas]

Woman: Are you ready to make the move to a strong and more lasting experience? Now you have a choice. If you’re already on an ED treatment, maybe it’s time for something new. Many ED specialists are recommending Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “Dr. Porkenheimer’s (Boner Juice)”] for a stronger and more lasting experience. [dissolve to woman, shot widens to show that she is sitting on a bed, and a man joins her and places an arm affectionately around her shoulder] Bigger, and stronger. [chuckles] And more meaty. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “MEATY”] [dissolve to woman] And there’s no rush to perform. [dissolve to a goldfish in a fishbowl] It’s boners when you feel right. [dissolve to woman] Giant ones. That are thick and sturdy. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “THICK”, “STURDY”] [dissolve to woman] Ask your doctor about a thicker, heavier, longer sexual experience. It’s what Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice is all about.

[dissolve to a montage of scenes during disclaimer]

Narrator: [voice over] [woman is getting ready to leave when man beckons her to the bed] Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice is only for men healthy enough for sexual activity. [woman joins man on bed, and he kisses her hand] Do not take Boner Juice if you take nitrates for chest pains, [pan across bedroom while the bed bangs loudly on its springs] or alpha blockers for prostate problems or high blood pressure, [objects shake with the repeated impacts] as this may cause an unsafe drop in high blood pressure. [the hands of a clock race from 8 o’clock to 5 o’clock within seconds] If erection lasts less than four hours, [fishbowl shakes particularly violently] up the dosage by as much as you like. [a candle burns on a shelf]

[dissolve to woman, now with bare shoulders and looking very disheveled]

Woman: My guy? Yeah, he’s happy with his boner. [shot widens to show that she is wrapped in the bedsheets, and the man is next to her with a very large erection tenting the sheet]

Narrator: In the rare case the erection should last more than twenty-four hours, call a friend and brag about it. Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “Dr. Porkenheimer’s (Boner Juice)”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 2nd, 2004

Ben Affleck

Nelly

None

Alec Baldwin

Jaheim

James Gandolfini
Presidential DebateSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) debate.

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin accuses Ben Affleck of stealing his moves.

First Hosted: 99m.

Transcript

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: In repeats and rebroadcasts in other episodes, this commercial parody edits out the image of newcomer Rob Riggle sporting a huge erection underneath the bed sheets.

Transcript

Debbie DownerSummary: Melodramatic Debbie’s (Rachel Dratch) tales of woe ruins the festivities at a friend’s (Ben Affleck) birthday party.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

Swift Boat Veterans For TruthSummary: Members of John Kerry’s former military crew speak of his poor domestic history.

Transcript

Florida StopSummary: James Carville (Ben Affleck) and Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) try in vain to get John Kerry (Seth Meyers) to act more human.

Recurring Characters: John Kerry, James Carville, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Nelly and Jaheim perform “My Place”Also Performed: 02f.

Bio: Jaheim (1978-). R&B singer.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: New Jersey Resident (James Gandolfini) comments on his state’s gay governor. Hollywood celebrity Ben Affleck comments about Matt Damon’s recent criticisms. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) is filled with hate.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Bio: James Gandolfini (1961-). Actor; portrayed crime boss Tony Soprano on HBO’s “The Sopranos”, 1999-2007.

Note: Amy Poehler takes over the anchor role vacated by Jimmy Fallon, exciting critics over the innovation of having two female anchors hosts the fake news segment.

Transcript

The EscalatorSummary: The old joke is acted out in the style of a disaster flick when an escalator loses power and panic breaks loose.

Transcript

Wedding DJSummary: An obnoxious disc jockey (Ben Affleck) disrupts a wedding reception.

Transcript

Nelly performs “We Can Leave Her”Also Performed: 11/16/02.

The FamilySummary: Alison Jackson’s film is a voyeuristic look at the Bush Family partying at Camp David.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Appalachian Police StationSummary: Members of the trailer trash community file police reports.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.

Note: This cartoon will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Dan Rather ApologySummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for his latest faux pas.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Posin’ with Paris HiltonSummary: Hosting a talk show, Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and Nicole Richie (Rachel Dratch) chat with Nick Nolte (Ben Affleck) and Mose (Will Forte) from “Amish In The City”.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Ben Affleck) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).

Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Dan Rather Apology IISummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for the previous apology he made.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.

Note: This commercial parody will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Community FocusSummary: Community members (Horatio Sanz, Rob Riggle, Amy Poehler, Ben Affleck) decide which issues they want to focus on.

Bollywood TonightSummary: Indian talk show hostess (Maya Rudolph) interviews fellow Indian actors (Horatio Sanz, Ben Affleck).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: 2003-2004


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Starring:

Rachel Dratch

Jimmy Fallon

Tina Fey

Will Forte

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Chris Parnell

Amy Poehler

Jeff Richards

Maya Rudolph

Horatio Sanz

Featuring:

Fred Armisen

Finesse Mitchell

Kenan Thompson

Episodes

10/04/03: Jack Black / John Mayer

10/11/03: Justin Timberlake

10/18/03: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

11/01/03: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

11/08/03: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

11/15/03: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

12/06/03: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

12/13/03: Elijah Wood / Jet

01/10/04: Jennifer Aniston / Black-Eyed Peas

01/17/04: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

02/07/04: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

02/14/04: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

02/21/04: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

03/06/04: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

03/13/04: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

04/03/04: Donald Trump / Toots & The Maytals

04/10/04: Janet Jackson

05/01/04: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

05/08/04: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

05/15/04: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Summary   “Saturday Night Live” began its 29th season on October 4th, 2003. Cast members Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan left the long-running series and their long-running tenures, leaving long-running performer Darrell Hammond to begin his 9th season with “Saturday Night Live”. Though both Kattan and Morgan left the show, they would make enough cameo appearances thoughout the season to qualify as honorary featured performers. Other changes include a new opening sequence, a brand new host and musical guest stages modeled after Grand Central Station, and an impression of President George W. Bush that changes hands twice during the season. The season tailored itself for the M-TV crowd, infiltrating a host line-up that included stars of the day like Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and Christina Aguilera. The season was also marred by continued (and one might wonder forced) on-air crack-ups between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz, Weekend Update’s focus on entertainment news and personal opinion taking preference over current events humor, and the mysterious disappearance of Jeff Richards mid-season. The best sketches of the season belonged to Will Forte, though they sometimes had a tendancy to become buried in mediocre episodes (Halle Berry, anyone?). Elsewhere, Jimmy Fallon’s decision to leave SNL hit some fans harder than the news of Will Ferrell’s departure, while leaving other fans wondering if Tina Fey would seek a replacement for Fallon on Weekend Update, anchor the segment alone, or resign the desk to new talent altogether. All in all, SNL was again falling on weak knees by the time it reached the end of the season prepared for its upcoming 30th anniversary.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”

Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “oh..my..god.” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”

The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I’d like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …

Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

The Swan

Amanda Byram…..Maya Rudolph
Vicki…..Mary-Kate Olsen
Dr. Lance Haggart…..Chris Parnell
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Reporter…..Rachel Dratch
Jasmine Ranseed…..Tina Fay
Dr. Simone…..Seth Meyers
Vicki’s Reflection…Ashley Olsen

[open on title and logo: “The Swan”]

Voice Over: In the most unique competition ever, two ordinary women compete for the ultimate prize. [dissolve to “before” pictures of Vicki and Amber] Who will go to the pageant? Who will go home? [dissolve to “The Swan” logo] Tonight on The Swan!

[dissolve to mansion with Amanda Byram entering through double doors, opened by men in tuxedos]

Amanda: Good evening. I’m Amanda Byram. I have an English accent. Tonight, we meet two women who are ready to change their lives. They have handed themsevles over to a team of plastic surgeons and gone through a brutal three month makeover, all for the chance to become beauty queens. Let’s see their before videos.

[dissolve to Vicki, who has very heavy eyebrows, a large nose, and other notably unattractive features, in a nondescript domestic setting]

[title: “Vicki, 29 years old”]

Vicki: I was never a classic beauty. People always told me I was beautiful on the inside. But then I had some X-rays done, and my insides are butt ugly, too.

[dissolve to Dr. Lance Haggart in an office setting]

[title: “Dr. Lance Haggart, Plastic Surgeon”]

Dr. Haggart: Vicki is what we doctors call, “fugly.” But I’m optimistic, and I have a plan. Basically, we’re gonna take some skin from her butt, and do some stuff.

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Vicki and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Vicki’s Swan plan included an eyebrow shift, cheek flush, lip segmentation, tongue shave, finger wax, ear tuck, bobby pin removal, and seven inch femur implants. She was put on a diet of broth and diet coke, and underwent weekly training sessions where she was chased by a pack of dogs. Good luck, Vicki. Now, on to our next competitor.

[dissolve to Amber, who has one leg, standing in front of a wall]

[title: “Amber, 29 years old”]

Amber: Yo, check me out. My name is Amber, and here’s how I do. I got nonstop hotness, hardcore learning disabilities, constant horniness, and I’m rockin’ one leg. Whoo! Yeah! I don’t know what they can do to me, ’cause this bird is already Swanned out! All I want is some medicine for my ringworm, and a cool-ass face tattoo. What-what?! [raises the roof]

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Amber and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Amber’s recommended Swan plan was leg augmentation, complete nasal rejuvenation, neck fat displacement, gum dying, removal of third nipple, nail fungus treatment, attitude adjustment, general cleaning, and a full head transplant.

[dissolve to Dr. Haggart]

Dr. Haggart: Amber was a very difficult patient to treat. She refused to do any cosmetic or dental surgery. Attempts were made to put her on a stricter diet, but we were limited because she suffers from Lyme Disease, hypoglycemia, and a flatulence problem that I suspect she can control.

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Will Vicki and Amber be pleased with their new selves? Which one will continue on to the pageant? Am I made of wax? We’ll find out, right after this.

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]

[dissolve to reporter in news room]

Reporter: Nine area schoolchildren are molested to death while their teachers buy drugs from your dentist! HAAAAARGH! Toxic mold!

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Before we let Amber and Vicki see themselves for the first time in three months, Dr. Haggart, any final thoughts?

Dr. Haggart: I think you’ll find Vicki and Amber are more confident now. They’re independent women, standing on their own two feet, except for Amber, who refused any kind of prosthetic because she didn’t want to, quote, “slow down access to her lady parts.”

Amanda: Our fashion stylist, Jasmine Ranseed.

Jasmine Ranseed: I think they look beautiful.

Amanda: And our resident therapist, Dr. Simone. Any thoughts?

Dr. Simone: This is a…t-t-terrible, why am I here? This is a terrible, reprehensible show!

Amanda: Indeed. It has been three long months since these women have seen themselves in a mir-ror. Now it is the moment of truth. Please welcome the new Vicki.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Vicki, who is now beautiful and is wearing a glamorous red dress with evening gloves]

[Vicki walks to the full-length mirror

Vicki: [gasps] Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! [touches her nose] Look at my nose! [grasps her breasts, turns to the side, lunges to the side, jumps up and down, falls forward sobbing, raises up and falls forward sobbing again, while all of this is mimicked by her reflection]

[Vicki’s reflection produces a tissue from the bosom of her dress and gives it to Vicki]

Vicki: Thank you. [returns the tissue to her reflection, who tucks it away]

Amanda: And now, Amber. Amber, come on out.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Amber, who looks exactly like she did before except that she has a black spiderweb tattoo on her face]

Amber: Damn, I’m looking good. Who needs a swan? I’m a flamingo! [hops over to the mirror] Oooooh! This tattoo makes me horny! [she tongues the corner of her mouth]

Amanda: Amber, Vicki, you know only one of you can go on to the final Swan pageant.

Amber: You goin’ down, mon chi chi!

Amanda: Here, give me a hug. [she woodenly places her arms over Amber’s chest and Vicki’s face] Are you nervous?

Vicki: No, I know that whatever happens, I still get to keep these boobs.

Amanda: The judges have voted.

Amber: Good. I hope they did vote!

Amanda: And the winner is.

Amber: Good. I hope there is a winner!

Amanda: Please shut up.

Amber: Yeah, I will shut up.

Amanda: The winner is…Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, my God! I’m still so unhappy inside.

Amber: Who cares? I didn’t want to win, anyway. [hops and farts] Yeah, I farted. Jealous? [hops and farts]

Dr. Haggart: [to other specialists] I told you she could control it.

[Amanda and Vicki wave air away from their noses]

Amber: I’m audi, nerds! I’m going to go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw balogna at my ass! Suck it! [hops away, farting]

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts