2019 - Page 33 of 42 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house]

[Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin]

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!

Meet The Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 12

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Eugene Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Peggy Noonal… Cecily Strong

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Matt Whitaker… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his news set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, and welcome to Meet the Press. I’m Chuck Todd and I’m still figuring out my whole look. As always, I’m joined by the leading journalists in the world. Pulitzer prize winning columnist for The Washington Post. Eugene Robinson.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Best selling author and colonist for the “Wall Street Journal,” Peggy Noonan.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: Hi Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And political strategist, author and former chair of the DNC, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Great to be here.

Chuck Todd: All right. Let’s start with what [Cut to everybody] everyone’s talking about and a new low for journalism, the ‘National Enquirer’ [Cut to Chuck Todd] was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. You are all highly respected journalists. So when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?

[Cut to Donna Brazile, she looks confused]

Donna Brazile: Excuse me?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I know, normally high minded journalists would not talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States. So, Jeff Bezos’ penis. [Cut to Peggy Noonan] What do you think it’s going to look like?

Peggy Noonan: I’m going to jump right in, Chuck. Now, when I hear billionaire’s penis, I immediately think small potatoes. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Small potatoes?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, your thoughts?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Well as a journalist, this is not something I thought I would have to cover. But as a human being, I’m naturally curious. Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a dot?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: My money is on Echo. Now, there are obviously major implications for the story beyond Jeff Bezos’s penis. It brings us back to blackmail and invasion of privacy and potentially even crimes committed by foreign agents. My question is, what do you think the coloration is like?

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Oh, my god, Chuck?

Peggy Noonan: I will take this one. I think it’s going to be [Cut to Peggy Noonan] splotchy, Chuck. A man his age, plus he’s a runner and it’s probably jangled around a lot down there over time. That’s going to lead to patchy sections.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: No, no. I completely disagree, Peggy. He’s a man of means, so I’m sure there are oils and precious minerals that can smooth and replenish that.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: What is happening right now.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, what do you think this says about our country in general?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s a disgraceful. It’s awful. I mean this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And what about when the pictures do come out?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes and send them to all my friends.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Now, obviously the mainstream media has a responsible to handle the story in a mature, adult manner. As you can see, from the New York post headline, [Chuck takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’ out] ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’. Eugene, what do you think of that?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s insane. You call yourself a respectable publication? I would have gone with your [Eugene takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Amazon package is on its way’ out] ‘Amazon package is on its way’. That’s you just me.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: That’s interesting see. I would have done [Peggy takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’ out] ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Did you guys make your own fake headlines?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: All right, let’s pivot away from penises for a moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Awe!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And focus on the state of the union. The president used the speech to champion his tax cuts and policy of deregulation. Here to explain further is the secretary of commerce, billionaire Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: Hello. I’m sorry. Before we started the producer put something in my ear and I have been hearing ghosts.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Wilbur, that’s just an earpiece so you can hear what we are seeing.

Wilbur Ross: But it sounded like you kept saying penis.

Chuck Todd: Yes, we were talking about the Jeff Bezos story.

Wilbur Ross: I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m not one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood.

Chuck Todd: Okay great. So, Mr. Ross, you are familiar with this story then?

Wilbur Ross: Yes, of course. I know what a dick pic is. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] When you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and say, “Let’s switch”, and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis. But choose carefully because if it’s too big, you will fall over.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Okay, my thanks to Mr. Ross. [Cut to Chuck Todd] Of course yesterday congressional testimony from acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker turned extremely contentious. Here with his side of the story is Matt Whitaker.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: Yeah, what?

Chuck Todd: Mr. Whitaker?

Matt Whitaker: Hurry up, Chuck. I don’t got a lot of time.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right]

Chuck Todd: Very true. You are almost done with your tenure in the Justice Department.

Matt Whitaker: Yes, that’s right. I was U.S. Attorney General for three months and soon I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer show.

Chuck Todd: Sir, the Justice Department investigates the claims that Jeff Bezos has made against the enquirer and the president.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: I don’t have a lot of Sympathy for Jeff Bezos. Every time I post a photo of myself it gets flagged as a dick pic.

Chuck Todd: Just to be clear, president Trump [Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right] ever directed you interfere in the Mueller investigation?

Matt Whitaker: Well, you know what, chuck? [Cut to Matt Whitaker] I’m going to say something I left out of my testimony. This is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump called me and whispered to me –

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I’m sorry to interrupt, but the Bezos pics have actually come out at this very moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Oh, Christmas in February!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Let’s stay on this topic for the entire show and live from New York, it’s a Saturday Night.

Valentine’s Song | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Carleen… Heidi Gardner

[Music video starts with Halsey, Aidy and Kate dancing in a fancy room]

Kate McKinnon: February 14th.

Aidy Bryant: The hottest Thursday of the year.

Halsey: It’s a whole day about sex, romance and sexy romance.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: Happy Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Beck Bennett sitting on sofa, having romance]

Aidy Bryant: ♪ It’s 8 PM on Valentine’s day

My man got m flowers, got me lingerie

The door bell rings and I’m like what more

He shrugs at me and I run to get the door [Aidy Bryant goes to get the door]

It’s a card that says you’re my significant other

Oh no, no, to my beautiful daughter

Made me a card for mom, okay, wow,

Cause damn, damn, damn that’s not where I’m at right now

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you it’s a day for romance

I don’t want to think of you when getting in the pants

We’re about to pounce, money’s on the bed

And I’m grinding with him but now you’re in my head

And I’m bumpin’, I’m bangin’, I’m boning’

I’m about to bust through

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down and now she’s face timing you

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Halsey at her desk]

Halsey: I’m at my desk and I’m sexting my boo

Telling him the freaky deaky stuff we’re gonna do

He sends a pic of his full winnie

I hear a knock and it’s my female boss Carleen [Cut to Carleen with a teddy bear]

This is bad, I’m holding in my chair [Carleen gives the ear to Halsey]

Gotta shift gears because she’s handing me a big pink bear

And we’re not close, Carleen do less

A quick side hug then home and make a mess

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you you’re a very loose acquaintance

I don’t wanna think of you when you’re down there doin’ some maintenance

Give us crap gifts, well that’s your call

But tell me when did this day become a free-for-all

Your card says I love you and again Carleen you are my boss.

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down Carleen you handle the checks

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon handling things with her son]

Kate McKinnon: I don’t want to think of the card that my son bought me

Keep in mind when you hear this daddy can’t really read

It says baby I can’t wait for tonight

another sexy formation but it’s just not right.

And what do you think will happen tonight? We eat cake mama.

Halsey: Cake mama.

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t want to think of you. I just wanna curl my toes

When my dentist gives me a single rose

Sexy day meant for me and my lover

Why did I get this lotion from my brother

Aidy Bryant: I don’t do that Michael.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: The cards and the candies ‘cause I love you too

I love you but I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson delivering his message in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Valentine’s day is for lovers. They don’ want to hear from you. That’s what birthdays are for.

James McAvoy Shows Off His Accents | Season 44 Episode 11

James McAvoy

Meek Mill

Leslie Jones

[Starts with James McAvoy, Meek Mill and Leslie Jones on SNL stage]

James McAvoy :Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: Oh, I love that accent. Do Irish.

James McAvoy: I’m James McAvoy and I am–

Leslie Jones: Australian.

James McAvoy: –hosting SNL this week.

Leslie Jones: New York.

James McAvoy: Hey. I’m walking here–

Leslie Jones: NO!

[re-take]

James McAvoy: Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: It’s Christmas Ya’ll.

James McAvoy: What?

Meek Mill: It’s January Leslie.

Leslie Jones: Listen to me Meek. If I say it’s Christmas, it’s Christmas. Now do you got anything to say to me?

Meek Mill: Merry Christmas Leslie.

Leslie Jones: Thank you. Merry Christmas.

James McAvoy’s SNL Video Diary | Season 44 Episode 11

James McAvoy

Meek Mill

Leslie Jones

[Starts with selfie video of Jame McAvoy with written ‘James McAvoy’s SNL video diary’]

James McAvoy: Guys, shut up. I’m gramming. [People laugh] Hard.

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Monday, January 21, 2019, 6:19 PM]

We are doing a video diary of my time at the SNL, which I believe in America they call SNL. And this is a wall. This designed I think to intimidate me.

I have been here I think for 90 minutes to two hours. And that is terrifying but really nice at the same time. Everybody is being lovely. I just went into the office of Lorne Michaels and that was a big, and the entire casts and lots of producers and writers from SNL sat on the floor. Grown adults. They are employed by a big multinational corporation which is amazing that they sat on the floor. And I got to sit on a chair, which was great. They all pitched different ideas I mean.–

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Tuesday, January 22, 2019, 3:47 PM]

This is the stage. And this is the audience. This is where my entire family will stay. This is all for them. All from the Ireland and Scotland, which is a narrow space. bye.

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Wednedsay, January 23, 2019, 8:18 PM]

Hey there. I have just done the table read. Or as we call, the read through of 40 sketches or so. Yeah. It’s crazy. Absolutely crazy. My admiration for these people at Saturday Night Live is at a peak level most of the moment because they do this every weekend. This is insane. It is amazing. So no one want to be a part of it.

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Thursday, January 24, 2019, 9:34 PM]

This is my fourth night on SNL. And this is us about to do the pre-record for one of the sketches. We’re in about the main streets of New York city, or Brooklyn, or I don’t really know the difference which I know is terrible. And it’s a really good sketch. I’m really excited. It’s going to be with a bunch of incredibly talented people and I’m little bit intimidated. But I’m looking forward to it. Fingers crossed you’ll like it upon transmission.

[Cut to James McAvoy, Meek Mill and Leslie Jones on SNL stage]

James McAvoy :Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: Oh, I love that accent. Do Irish.

James McAvoy: I’m James McAvoy and I am–

Leslie Jones: Australian.

James McAvoy: –hosting SNL this week.

Leslie Jones: New York.

James McAvoy: Hey. I’m walking here.

Leslie Jones: NO!

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Saturday, January 26, 2019, 11:37AM]

James McAvoy: Hello there. I’m James McAvoy and I am hosting SNL tonight. I am super excited, so super tune in, super please.

Virgin Hunk | Season 44 Episode 8

Dalton… James McAvoy

Hanna C… Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Jessica C… Heidi Gardner

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Adocku… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]

Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.

[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]

Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Hanna C: I missed you.

Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.

Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Dalton: I have such a connection with you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.

[Jessica C. comes in]

Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Jessica C.]

Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.

[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]

Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.

Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.]

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.

[Hanna C. walks in]

Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.

Dalton: So what makes you you?

Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.

Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?

[Cut to Hanna C]

Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.

[Adocku walks in]

Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?

Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.

Adocku: My name id Adocku.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.

[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]

Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.

Dalton: Hey, I like that.

Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.

Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]

Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.

Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.

[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]

Dalton: That sounds really hard.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing]

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.

[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton]

[Cut to Kate and Dalton]

Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.

Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.

Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.

[Dalton and Kate leave]

Air Traffic Control | Season 44 Episode 11

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner in cockpit]

Mikey Day: Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t fly this plane.

Heidi Gardner: I’ll go see if the pilot is conscious. [Heidi leaves the cockpit]

Mikey Day: Okay. Try to get someone on the radio. Hello, hello. May day. May day.

Kate McKinnon: Hello.

Mikey Day: Yes, hello.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon in air traffic control room]

Kate McKinnon: Yes, this is Glasgow Air Traffic Control. Are you in distress?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Yes. I’m not a pilot. I am part of Klie Jenner’s brand integration team. We’re on a private jet going to London for Kylie event. We hit bad turbulence and our pilot got knocked unconscious. But Kylie’s not on board. Thank god.

[Cut to Kate Mckinnon]

Kate McKinnon:I don’t know who that is, but it shounds like you’re going to have to land that plane. I’ll put you in very good hands. This man is the best, he’ll get you down. Just do exactly as he says.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. I’m ready.

[Cut to James McAvoy in air traffic control room]

James McAvoy: All right. [James McAvoy speaks with heavy accent that it’s hard to understand] I know you’re coming off walley up there. I’m going to have to skating faster than –- okay?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I’m going to get you down, but here’s what I need you to do first. Okay. Deep breath.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I just want you to take a deep breath. In, out, in, out.

[Cut to Mikey Day. Heidi Gardner is in the cockpit again.]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: What did he say?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

Mikey Day: Deep breath. Right? And you need to stay calm?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: What are they saying?

Mikey Day: He says I need a stakub?

Heidi Gardner: Okay, maybe there’s one in the cabin.[Heidi leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Listen to me very carefully. On the wee panel of switches in front of you, there’s a —size of a — What do you call it? [Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon] American cookie?

Kate McKinnon: Oreo cookie.

James McAvoy: Oreo? No, Keebler. All right. There’s a thing of a size of an Oreo cookie. I thought it was a Keebler. What’s to do that —

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Say again?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: The brown — that looks like an Oreo cookie? Where’s it coming ?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I got broom doo-da.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: No, the color. Brown.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Oh, brown.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: What’s the brown dooda coming in at?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m so sorry your accent is very thick. Is it possible to not have it? Over? [Heidi Gardner and Kenan Thompson enter the cockpit] Theyr’e speaking Scottish. And it’s very hard .

[Kenan sits on co-pilot’s seat]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let me handle this. I spent some time in Scotland so my ears are favorable to Scottish accent. This is Kylie’s branding director, let’s do this.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Good. Two is better than one. Tell me if you can –– goggles.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Nope. [Kenan stands and tries to leave]

Mikey Day: I need you. [Mikey doesn’t let Kenan go]

Kenan Thompson: Fine. Please tell me what I need to do.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

James McAvoy: You try.

Kate McKinnon: All right. Can you look out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Did I eat at Wendy’s? Never.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: All right, fine, I had Wendy’s last week. But don’t tell Kylie.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Let’s sit back man! We’re only going to get crack at this once. There’s a wee Jack on the dash. Can wee talk.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: No. [Kenan leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Oh, no. Oh, no. In the name of the wee man. Radar’s got you leaving Scottish Airspace. The connection is going crunchier than a bag of smashed chips.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay. We’re going to have to patch you over to Welsh Air Traffic Control. God speed to you guys.

[Cut to Mikey Day] [Heidi joins Mikey]

Heidi Gardner: What’s happening?

Mikey Day: I don’t know. I think we’re on our own.

Beck Bennett: Hello? Go for Wales Air Traffic Control.

Mikey Day: Maybe not. Good to hear your voice, Wales.

[Cut to Beck Bennett at his air traffic control room[

Beck Bennett: [Speaking foreign language]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: Just aim for water.

[Ends with video clip of flying airplane]

Charmin | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a clip of Plaza Mall]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant showing a commercial to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, and that was Charmin Toilet Paper [Cut to AidyBryant] Super Bowl commercial. Hut, hut, wipe. Now, my question for this focus group is, would the commercial you just saw make you want to go with Charmin?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[Kyle Mooney raises his hand]

Kyle Mooney: I just got to say, that commercial was incredible. I’m blown away.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, [Cut to Aidy Bryant] well we’re happy to hear that.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: So like, how’d you get them to do that?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Who?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Well, the bears, of course. Are they like actors or a real family?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, the bears aren’t real. They’re animated.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Ah, animated. Cause they’re animals. Makes sense to me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Anyone else have any thoughts?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[James McAvoy raises his hand]

James McAvoy: Yeah. I thought that the commercial was actually pretty good, [Cut to James McAvoy] but what about something like this? Bear wakes up after a night of raging, right? And bathroom is completely destroyed. Like Chernobyl. And bear’s like, if that’s on the walls, then what’s the deal with my ass? He checks it. It’s totally clean. Charmin’s done its job. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, wow! Very… Just very. Okay, but we aren’t looking for new commercial pitches, just your thoughts on the commercial you just saw. So yes, you sir?

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Well bravo, but perhaps one of the bears is an educated type. Leather bound book, such and so forth. Ladies panties steamed for him?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, we will think about that. Yes. You ma’am?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, couldn’t help but notice the bears were a family of whites?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, the bears aren’t white? They have no race. They’re bears.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: I know they’re white because I’m white. And it is my greatest shame. So chew on this. If I had it my way, I would have been born a wise old Asian man.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Well, how about checking this? Girl bear and boy bear are on date. And things are getting flirty under the table. And girl bear says, meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. She walks in there but the bean burrito that she just had starts destroying her, butt-wise. Alright. And then five minutes later, boy bear walks in, starts rocking her world like he’s got no idea that his lady just deuced it, because the booty is clean. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. She is speechless.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, not in 1 million years.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: I feel like that’s kind of naughty, and also how do you even get the bears to do that, I was thinking?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. The TV screen has a picture of a Charmin bear.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is an image from the commercial, so why don’t you tell me one word comes to mind? Just one word?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Privilege. White. Generational wealth. Cape cod.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Again, one word. Just one word.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay that’s actually very good.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy deuce. Came out clean like an angel. She doesn’t even need to wipe, but she still does as a victory lap, Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Well, I don’t know, honey, it’s yous guy’s bear.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Um, perhaps one of the bears is a captain in the new world, [Cut to Kenan Thompson] and he meets a young native woman, and he teachers her the gentle tongue, and in return she does the forbidden dance of her people. Ooh la, la, la. Ooh la, la, la.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Okay, no. My turn. Alright, bear sits down on a public toilet, right. And the automatic flush goes off while he’s still got his ass on the seat. Alright? So bear gets sucked down into the underworld. Full of pee pee and poo poo creatures. Hideouts things, right? And he has to fight his way back up into the surface world, because it’s his wedding right? And bear finally makes it out, runs to the alter, sees his wife, but check this, she’s one of them, a doo doo creature. Sick body though. They kiss. Charmin.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[Everyone claps]

Kenan Thompson: Incredible man. Great job, dude.

James McAvoy: Thank you.

Kyle Mooney: That should be the commercial.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m going to go ahead, and cut this thing short because it’s been bad and very unhelpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: When do we get our free Charmins, because I needed it like yesterday.

[Ends with a clip of Plaza Mall]

Weekend Update Vatican App | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘praying app’ at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: The Vatican has released a new app called Click to pray that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with the Pope Francis, replacing the current app for catholic prayers, [The picture changes to Grinder app] Grinder.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of University of Oklahoma logo at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using the racial slur. What these kids need more than anything is more school, right? I mean, if you hurt somebody in jail, they don’t send you home, they give you more jail. Same idea. Every time these kids do something racist, they should have to spend another year in an even blacker school. They might not like black people after that, but they will be respectful.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of valentines heart shaped candies at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A company that creates the traditional valentine’s day sweetheart candies has gone out of business and will not make them this year. But they had to know they weren’t going to survive long in the #metoo era with candy that says ‘let’s get busy’, ‘squeeze me’ and then all caps demand for consent. [The picture changes to a heart shaped candy saying ‘Say Yes’]

A volunteer at a zoo [The picture changes to Orangutan] in Ohio had his thumb ripped off by an orangutan. So who loves bananas and had three thumbs? This guy.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Beer Spa at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A bar in Iceland opened a beer spa, it includes hot tubs filled with beer. The owners came up with the idea when they thought, there has to be faster way to get a yeast infection.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of UK flag, picture of a woman on skirt and a mobile phone at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Lawmakers in the UK have passed the law banning people from taking upskirt pics of people of people without their knowledge. Great news for [Picture of James McAvoy on his monologue wearing a kilt] tonight’s host.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”