Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

[Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

[Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

[Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

[Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]

Dad – SNL

Dad… Woody Harrelson

Scotty … Kyle Mooney

Colby … Chris Redd

[Starts with a boy looking at his test marks. He can hear his dad coming to his room speaking on the phone.]

Dad: Well, have you looked at the contract?

[Dad enters the room]

Charlie, look. We sell computers. You’re my business partner at our computer company. Okay? So, let’s get the deal done. Okay?

Son: Hey, dad. Can I talk to you?

Dad: Of course, son. Is there a problem?

Scotty: You see—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Hold that thought. Charlie? No, no, no. That’s not gonna work. We’re in the computer business after all. Okay, so call me back. And Charlie, you’re one hell of a partner.

[Cut to dad]

You were saying, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Well, my friend failed the math test. And I guess I’m just wondering what you’d say to him if he were you son.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Well, I know he wouldn’t be playing video games for the next few years.

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Dad, I’ve got to tell you something. So I—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Just one second, Kiddo. Talk to me. Wait, who is this? Oh, Charlie.

[Everything gets dark except Scotty]

[Scotty starts rapping]

Scotty: Dad he’s like a hero to me

always has been and always will be

I worship the ground that he walks on

just wish he would trash that phone that he talks on

Dad, your’e obsessed with work

don’t you know your obsession hurts

look at what this thing did to you

is this the only way that I to get through to you

Dad, so busy all the time

b-b-busy all the time

dad, so busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you

ever since the day dad got the phone

I got to say I’ve felt so alone

hello dad, don’t you know that you’re needed

“we’re sorry the connection with your dad cannot be completed”

also I’m not popular and girls don’t like me

it all fells very bad

now here’s Colby rapping about dad

ladies and gentlemen Colby

Colby: D-A-D-D-Y that’s the guy

always have a shoulder for you to cry

catching the ball catching the fish

catching time with pops is a beautiful wish

since back in the day dads have been killing it

barbeque boss with the burgers straight grillin it

don’t forget the OG dad showing love

our heavenly father lord up above amen

Scotty: No, it’s not supposed to be a religious thing. It’s about my dad.

Colby: Oh, sure.

Scotty: Do it like we talked about.

Colby: All right.

Scotty: All right, let’s do the dancing we practiced.

One, two, three, get loose now!

[Scotty and Colby are dancing]

B-b-busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you dad

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: We’re dong here. Right, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: No, dad. I think I’m done. I failed the math test.

Dad: Let me call you back. [Cut to Dad] Scotty, why didn’t you tell me?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I tried to. But I think your line was busy.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: I’ve been ignoring my own son.

[Dad starts rapping]

What have I become

it all began when the —

[phone ringing]

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

“Charlie, talk to me. Yeah. No, no, no. I’m just doing a rap for my son Scotty. Yeah, it’s to a funky beat. Really? Oh, hell, I can get there right away. Let me just do my last line for the rap. Yeah.”

And that’s why I’m your dad

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

Yeah. Charlie. Can I come?

Scotty: Dad! Can I come?

Dad: Sorry son. Not this time. Colby!

[Colby joins dad]

Colby: Praise the lord. We’re going to have some fun.

Scotty: Dad.

[Dial tone] [Cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish I Love You (Live) – SNL

Woody Harrelson

Billy Eilish

[Starts with Woody Harrelson announcing in SNL stage]

Woody Harrelson: Once again, the wonderful, Billy Eilish.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Cut to a guitarist and Billy Eilish on the stage]

Billy Eilish: It’s not true
Tell me I’ve been lied to
Crying isn’t like you
Oh-oh-oh

What the hell did I do?
Never been the type to
Let someone see right through
Oh-oh-oh

Maybe won’t you take it back
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn’t mean to say “I love you”

I love you and I don’t want to
Oh-oh-oh

Up all night on another red eye
I wish we never learned to fly
I-I-I

Maybe we should just try
To tell ourselves a good lie
I didn’t mean to make you cry
I-I-I

Maybe won’t you take it back
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn’t mean to say “I love you”

I love you and I don’t want to
Oh-oh-oh

The smile that you gave me
Even when you felt like dying

We fall apart as it gets dark
I’m in your arms in Central Park
There’s nothing you could do or say
I can’t escape the way, I love you
I don’t want to, but I love you
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh

[Song ends]

[Cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish Bad Guy (Live) – SNL

Woody Harrelson

Billy Eilish

[Starts with Woody Harrelson on SNL stage announcing the show]

Woody Harrelson: Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable, Billy Eilish.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Billy Eilish dancing in a room wearing funky clothes]

[Music playing]

[Billy Eilish humming]

[Cut to the band playing]

[Cut to Billy Eilish in the room]

Billy Eilish: White shirt now red, my bloody nose
Sleeping, you’re on your tippy toes
Creeping around like no one knows
Think you’re so criminal

Bruises, on both my knees for you
Don’t say thank you or please
I do what I want when I’m wanting to
My soul? So cynical

So you’re a tough guy
Like it really rough guy
Just can’t get enough guy
Chest always so puffed guy

I’m that bad type
Make your mama sad type
Make your girlfriend mad tight
Might seduce your dad type

I’m the bad guy, duh

I’m the bad guy

I like it when you take control
Even if you know that you don’t
Own me, I’ll let you play the role
I’ll be your animal

My mommy likes to sing along with me
But she won’t sing this song
If she reads all the lyrics
She’ll pity the men I know

So you’re a tough guy
Like it really rough guy
Just can’t get enough guy
Chest always so puffed guy

I’m that bad type
Make your mama sad type
Make your girlfriend mad tight
Might seduce your dad type

I’m the bad guy, duh

I’m only good at being bad, bad

[beat changes]

I like when you get mad
I guess I’m pretty glad that you’re alone
You said she’s scared of me?
I mean, I don’t see what she sees
But maybe it’s ’cause I’m wearing your cologne

I’m a bad guy
I’m a bad guy
Bad guy, bad guy
I’m a bad-

[Music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Apple Picking Ad – SNL

Debra Chickum … Aidy Bryant

Sister … Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Hank … Woody Harrelson

[Starts with a video clip of an apple tree]

Debra Chickum: It’s fall and that’s apple picking season.

Sister: So come down to Chickum’s Apple Farm.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: I’m Debra Chickum.

Sister: And I’m her sister.

Debra Chickum: Every year thousands of families visit our pick your own apple farm for their share of fall fun.

Sister: Located in the part of New York state that has confederate flags.

Debra Chickum: Why pick apples? Just ask any of our satisfied customers.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I never picked apples before, but now I have. I had fun, I think.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: It was cute. Far but cute. A lot of bees.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: I stepped in a Gopher hole and broke my foot. But my girlfriend had fun.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples.

Debra Chickum: Select from our varieties like huge soft.

Sister: Tiny hard.

Debra Chickum: Green.

Sister: Orange.

Both: And apple.

Debra Chickum: What our apples lack in flavor they make up for in on the ground.

Sister: They get the deers drunk.

Debra Chickum: You’ll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand hank.

Sister: He’s a troubled man who came with the land. And we pay him in dentistry.

[Cut to Hank]

Speaker 6: Hi. I’m Hank. I will take you to the one tree that’s working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time. And whenever you come you just missed it.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: Still not feeling picky?

Sister: Listen to this satisfied customer.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: My girlfriend picked an apple so wrong, she pulled the whole branch off the tree and now Hank says we owe three grand.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: We have a petting zoo.

Debra Chickum: Tell them, Hank.

Speaker 6: We found some animals, and now they’re in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats, sheep. Also got donkey rides. Did you know donkeys can be depressed? The other day I head him say, ‘Stop’. Just like that. ‘Stop’. She’s like Eeyore with a plan.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: But hey, we ain’t just apples.

Debra Chickum: We got peaches in theory. Cherries in theory and strawberries in the theory.

Sister: And don’t pass up our cider donuts.

Debra Chickum: They’re donuts but from yesterday.

Sister: And be sure to take home some of our penis gourds.

Debra Chickum: That’s right. They came out extra penis this year.

Sister: Want to hear more about us?

Debra Chickum: People usually don’t.

Sister: We’re unmarried sisters.

Debra Chickum: My hair’s been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way.

Sister: I’m 28.

Debra Chickum: It’s Halloween almost.

Sister: Do your spooky activities with us.

[Cut to Hank]

Hank: Our haunted Hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They’re good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different. Mob mentality. I have to be honest with you. They scare the hell out of me.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: So, come. Come play outdoorsiness with.

Sister: Does our business make a profit? No.

Debra Chickum: How do we afford to live? Simple. I wrote the screenplay for ’50 first dates’ based on myself.

Sister: They changed it a lot. They did.

Narrator: Chickham’s Apple Farm. Maybe just go to the store.

SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 04/23/77: American Dope Growers Union

Laraine Newman aka “Dope Grower”:

“Every time you buy pot from Mexico, or Colombia… you’re putting an American out of work. We of the American Dope Growers Union support ourselves by growing marijuana in American soil. We’ve had a pretty hard time on our own. But with the union, we can live decent lives and stay off welfare. That’s MY union, and that’s what our union label stands for.

Group Song:

“Soooo look for the Union label, when you are buying that joint, lid, or pound.

Remember somewhere, our Union’s growing…dope you’ll be smoking…at the best price around.

You know we work hard, but who’s complaining? When we at ADG stay high and earn our way.

So always look for, the Union label, it says we deal for the U.S. of A.”

Paul Rudd Is Hosting the Best SNL Season Finale | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Another one.

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Another one.

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m —

DJ Khalid: No, no. Her.

Cecily Strong: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting–

Paul Rudd: Yo! I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

Cecily Strong: Season finale. So we got the best DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: The best.

Cecily Strong: Cecily Strong.

DJ Khalid: The Best.

Paul Rudd: Paul Rudd.

DJ Khalid: Not bad.

Paul Rudd: I’ll take it.

What’s Wrong with This Picture | Season 44 Episode 21

Elliott Pants … Kenan Thompson

Gina … Aidy Bryant

Steven … Pete Davidson

Louis … Paul Rudd

[Starts with intro of the show]

Announcer: It’s time to play What’s Wrong With This Picture.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants : Hello, everybody, I’m your host Elliott Pants. Welcome to another round of What’s Wrong With This Picture. The rules are simple. All you got to do is look at a picture, tell me what’s wrong with it. If you’re right, you might win a Toyota beef. The first car for thick boys. Contestants, are you ready to play? Gina?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Yes, daddy.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : I don’t like that. Steven.

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: I didn’t come here to make friends, but I would like it to happen.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. Louis?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: What’s up?

[Cut to Elliott]
Elliott Pants : I’m introducing you.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. I guess this is who is available at 2 PM on a weekday. Let’s go to your first puzzle. Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture?

[There’s a cartoon picture of a boy and a girl playing swing. The swing has rope only at one side.]

There’s something very wrong with this picture. Can you spot it?

[Cut to the contestants]

[Steven presses the button]

[beep sound]

Steven: Oh, I got it. They’re siblings who know they shouldn’t have kissed.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : What? No. That’s not close.

Steven: Oh, man.

[beep]

Elliott Pants : Louis.

Louis: Her hair has too many shrimps in it.

Elliott Pants : I’m sorry. Did you say shrimp?

Louis: By her ears are shrimp.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No, those are her pig tails. Yeah. That’s not shrimp. Getting a little worried about this.

[beep]

Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: He’s pointing at her butt door and explaining its features.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. Something in this picture is physically impossible.

[beep]

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: They’re gay.

Elliott Pants : What?

Steven: Boys and girls can’t be gay on each other. That don’t work. Has to be the same.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. I’ll give you a hint. Something is missing in the picture.

[beep]

Louis.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Love. Plus the knockers behind them don’t have nipples.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. That’s a bush.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, that’s inappropriate.

[Cut to Elliott and the picture]

Elliott Pants : Can you really not see it? The swing is missing a rope.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Then why are they smiling?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Because his jeans leave very little to the imagination and they like that.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Well, that made me angry. All right. Here is your next picture.

[There is a cartoon picture of a woman looking at a mirror. There is a belt in the reflection but not on her.]

[beep]

Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Yeah, I got it. She’s 4 years old but the boobies grew too fast.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Oh, my god, no.

[beep]

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: The twins are in the fish tank and she can’t get out.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : That is not a fish tank, that is a mirror.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Then where are all the fish?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : I hate you.

[beep]

Steven.

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: Oh, I see it now. The answer is she just did blackface and got away with it. The only problem is she got the job. Now what?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. Now, stop it. The reflection is wearing a belt. It’s wearing a belt. All right, next.

[The picture changes to an office desk. The calendar reads 31 June]

[beep]

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Oh, I know. Her chair is empty because she just got raptured. But once she got up there, god did a twirl and his robe flew up and she thinks she saw his thing.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Gross! Wrong.

[beep]

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: The objects come to life at night but the only problem is they’re poor.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : For the love of—

[beep]

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: That computer has a virus and I hate to tell you, but it’s AIDS.

[Cut to Elliott. He is holding his head.]

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: Uh, are you okay. Mr. Pant.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. And it’s Pants. Look at that. What is that?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: A date tent?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : That is not a tent. There is no such thing as June 31st. Okay. We’re doing exactly one more of these.

[There is a cartoon picture of a girl playing roller blade on ice]

What’s wrong with this picture?

[beep]

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, she’s wearing roller-blades instead of ice skates.

[right answer beep]

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Oh, my god, that’s right. And I think it’s my wife. Can I say hi?

[Cut to everybody]

Elliott Pants : That is a drawing. [Cut to Elliott and Louis] This has been what’s wrong with this picture.

Louis: What are you doing?

Elliott Pants : We got to start screening these people.

Weekend Update Trump’s Iran Conflict Confusion | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. What’s wrong with you? Hey, stop it. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of newspaper titles on left top corner that says ‘Roe V. Wate in jeopardy’]

Well, this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump

Amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that the White house is now going to send 120 thousand more troops to the middle east but don’t worry, President Trump set the record straight with this firm and reassuring message.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump.]

Media: Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?

Donald Trump: Hope not.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: You know it’s up to you, right man? You don’t have to pass off every decision to [Picture changes to John Bolton] John Bolton, the Islamophobic Lorax. And now Lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more information on what exactly the Iran threat even is. So far the only evidence the administration has provided is this [Picture of Will Smith as genie from the movie Aladdin] disturbing image.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: China retaliated to president Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products the US sells to China. Wiat, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I’ve never been to China but I have been to Chinatown. And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one letter and sell a billion Abble watches.

[Cut to Colin. There is pictures of Jared Kushnr and Stephen Miller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration’s new immigration plan. What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all the other flies swarm around their master. [Picture changes to moon and a logo of NASA] And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately it’s against her will. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] It’s a plan they’re referring to as ‘Launch Her Up’.

[cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alyssa Milano at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. Look, I support that, but I just don’t think the republican senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said, “I’m on sex strike”, they would be like, “Cool, I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Alabama’s Abortion Ban | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]

Leslie Jones: Yes!

Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?

Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.

Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]

Look at them. All men.

[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]

This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.

[Leslie stares at Colin]

Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.

[Cut to Leslie]

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.