Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Chris Farley Song | Season 44 Episode 19

Adam Sandler

[Starts with Adam Sandler on SNL stage playing an acoustic guitar.]

[He starts singing]

First time I saw him he was sweeter than honey
plaid jacket and belt too tight and he wasn’t even being funny
then he cart wheeled around the room and slow danced with the cleaning lady
he was a one man party
you know I’m talking about, I’m talking about my friend Chris Farley

[Picture of Chris appears in the screen][Cheers and applaud]

On Saturday night my man would always deliver
whether he was a bumblebee girl or living in a band down by the river
he loved bass and ditka dance and chippendale’s with Swayze
When every places, coffee with Folger’s he went full on crazy
As sexy as cat girl and meat loaf in the band
without him we had no lunch lady in lunch lady land
you know I’m thinking about, thinking about my boy Chris Farley

After a show he drink a quarter Jack Daniels
then stick the bottle right up his ass
but hungover as hell that catholic boy
always showed up to morning mad
We told him slow down or you’ll end up like Belushi and Candy
Said those guys are my heroes that’s all fine in dandy
I ain’t making that stuff up that’s the truth about my boy Chris Farley

I saw him in the office crying with his headphones on
listening to a KC and the Sunshine band song
I said bloody hell is that making you so sad
then he laughed and said just thinking about my dad
The last big hang we had was at Timmy Meadow’s wedding party
we laughed all night long all because of Farley

But a few months later the party came to an end
we flew out to Madison to bury our friend
nothing was harder than saying goodbye
except watching Chris’s father have his turn to cry
Buddy, you’ve moved on but you still bring us so much joy
make my kids laugh with your YouTube clips of Tommy boy

And when they ask me who’s the funniest guy I ever knew
I tell them hands down without a doubt it’s you
Yeah, I miss hanging out watching you try to get laid
but most of all I miss watching you torture Spade
You’re a legend, you owned it, but I still wish you were here with me
and we would get on a plane to go and shoot Grown Ups 3

Yeah, life ain’t the same without you boy
and that’s why I’m singing about, I’m singing about my boy Crhis Farley
and if we make enough noise maybe he’ll hear us
Give it up for the great Chris Farley.

Fashion Coward – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of exclusive fashion commercial]

Heidi Gardner: I let my look do the talking.

Ego Nwodim: My body is my canvas, and my clothes is my paint.

Narrator: When it comes to fashion, there’s no risk you won’t take. Well, congrats on being hot, but this ain’t for you. [Cut to a simple clothing store] Introducing fashion coward, the only stor for people who hate shopping and feel lost and scared, with clothes that suggest the general idea of a person. So many shirts are almost normal, but then they go like this. [Kate wearing a simle shirt with a knot at the bottom] We keep it safe with things like brown sweater, navy shirt, pants for the legs and one black dress that says keep it moving.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim from exclusive fashion commercial]

Ego Nwodim: My style tells a story.

[Cut to Emma in the simple clothing store]

Emma Stone: Same. My story is I’m a stranger to myself.

Aidy Bryant: I go in cruises with my parents.

Kate McKinnon: Ideal juror.

Narrator: Can’t decide between buttons and no buttons? We split the diff with a whole lot of this. [Cut to clips of shirts with half trail buttons] That’s a half trail of buttons that say – Bail! Bail, bail, bail. And you got to try on our big gray zip-up sweatshirt [Cut to clips of oversized hoodies] that doubles as a real life invisibility cloak. Try it on in our coward proof fitting room. As a child, you were humiliated in a Kohl’s fitting room where your mother said something so harmful, is seared off the top layer of your brain. You’re safe here with things like far mirrors.

[Cut to Kate checking her clothes on a mirror that’s pretty far]

Kate McKinnon: That’ll do.

Narrator: If an item of clothing makes you ask, am I this person?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe for like a rooftop party?

Narrator: It will immediately burst into flames. [The dress burns itself] Decisions are hard. That’s why if you take more than seconds to decide if you want something, the fitting room emits a mercy gas that knocks you out. [Kate faints] Then you’re carried home by a big strong man who shops for you. [Big strong man carrying Kate on his shoulder and choosing clothes for her] And we don’t sell swimsuits. You know why. [Cut to Kate, Aidy and Emma. They are very happy] Fashion coward.

Hobby Song – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Stone

[Starts with Melissa opening the Emma’s door] [Emma is reading her script]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, Emma. Welcome back.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Hey, Melissa. It’s good to see you. How have you been?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Frickin’ great. I’m so happy.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: That’s great. I mean last time I was here, it was your first season, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yep. [Cut to Melissa] And I’ve grown so much since then. [Cut to Emma agreeing] Especially in the self-love/confidence department. [Cut to Melissa laughs]

[Cut to Emma feeling awkward]

Emma Stone: Hmm, well, that’s cool. I’ll see ya.

[Cut to Emma let’s herself in]

Melissa Villaseñor: You know? I just had to look at myself and say, hey, [Cut to Emma and Melissa] you’re cool, Meliss. [Cut to Melissa] Let yourself rejoice in who you are. And you know what? I found a lot of peace through my hobbies.

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: That’s neat.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, you want to hear about them?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I mean I have to learn this –

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Great. I’m going to rap.

[Cut to music video of Melissa’s rap]

Yo, this goes out to all the hobby enthusiasts
when I’m not at work, what do I do?
do sexy Melissa things that I’m into
They’re called hobbies
ha-ha- I’m talking hobbies

Creative artsy type
that’s me all right
late at night drawing with my pixar light
gotta get the shading on my face just right
I’m doing a self-portrait in charcoal ya’ll, it’s crazy

[The portrait is singing]

These are my hobbies
These are my hobbies

I like biking, hiking, smelling my books
like drawing, painting, cooking for one
I sowing, knitting, smelling my books
I like napping, walking up and talking like Gandalf

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: Wait, hold up. Gandalf?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hmm-mm. I wake up and go, [In Gandalf voice] “That was a good nap.”

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Awesome. And you smell your books?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yeah, you got to smell books.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m sorry to do this but I really have to get going.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh! I’m almost done, though.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Cut to Melissa’s rap music video]

Melissa Villaseñor: I just ordered some sick binoculars
so I could bird watch and study these big old birds
Jealous? J-J-J-jealous? Yeah, you’re jealous.
I like dreaming, singing, working on my posture

notebooks, planners, hugging my backpack
I like silence, karate, get away from my backpack
Everyone wants my art supplies that are inside my backpack.

Get your own!

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Announcer: We need Emma on set. Emma stone to the set. Please.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, shoot. They need me on set. So annoying.

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, no, [Cut to Melissa] that sounds annoying. Almost as annoying as when someone interrupts you while you’re rapping about your hobbies.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I don’t think I’ve interrupted.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Melissa] Twice. You’ve interrupted twice. [Melissa stands] [Sad music plays] Emma Stone? More like, I’m a stone because stones don’t have feelings. And that’s you.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I am not a stone. The truth is I do have a hobby. I was just embarrassed.

[Cut to Melissa sits in front of Emma]

Melissa Villaseñor: Never be embarrassed of your hobby. It’s a part of you.

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: I’m going to rap now.

[Cut to music video of Emma’s rap]

Out of tiny town full of figurines
I’ve been carving them since I was 15
It’s called Emmaville and I’m the queen
it’s a cutest little town you’ve ever seen

Barry the mailman, Peter the jester
And the town gossip who’s name is chester
A cheeky little goof who’s full of secrets
a whole lot more that I’ll tell you all about.

[Cut to Melissa. She is shocked.]

Melissa Villaseñor: [In announcer voice] Melissa to set, please. Oh, you heard him. I gotta go.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Well, hey maybe we could – and she’s gone.

Melissa Villaseñor and Emma Stone: These are our hobbies

The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays]

[Cut to Megal peeking at her]

[Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn]

[Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone]

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair]

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy]

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]

Weekend Update: Disney’s New Streaming Service – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney+ on left top corner]

Colin Jost: Disney announced that in November it will launch its new streaming service called Disne+ as in you now have to get Disney + Hulu + Netflix + Amazon + a Play Station + cable. Even though at the end, you’ll say there’s nothing good on, let’s just watch Law and Order.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Kardashian on right top corner]

Michael Che: Kim Kardashian revealed that she plans to take the bar exam and become a lawyer in three years. I think she can do it. I mean it only took Kanye a couple years to [Picture changes to Kanye wearing Trump hat] go to space. [Picture changes to Canada flag] A man in Canada is searching for the owner of a car he stole more than 20 years ago so that he can apologize and also return his son. It’s not real, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map pinned to Moscow on left top corner]

Colin Jost: A new study lists the best city in the US to raise a family as Moscow, Idaho while the worst is once again Handsy Uncle Maryland.

Michael Che: I know that place. [laughs]

Colin Jost: [The picture changes to an old movie Grease] Paramount has begun developing a new movie called summer nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin on right top corner]

Michael Che: In a recent study, scientists created 3D scans of Dolphin vaginas and found that a Dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at Sea World. Well, I could have told you that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sliced meat on left top corner]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that one way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions caused by meat products is adopting a nose to tail diet of eating every part of the animal. Get ready for the all new McHoof. [Picture changes to McDonald’s burger having full animal leg]

Weekend Update: Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi on Picnics – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Michael Che

Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day

Brie Bacardi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It’s the first warm weekend in New York. Here with some romantic picnic tips Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi.

[Nico and Brie join Michael Che]

Nico Slobkin: Hey. What’s up man?

Brie Bacardi: Hi Michael.

Nico Slobkin: Jokes have been fire tonight man. Good job.

Michael Che: Thanks, man. So let’s hear these romantic picnic tips.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Okay, so the key to perfect picnic is a pretty location.

Nico Slobkin: Yeah, last week Brie and I picnicked at the Superbloom in LA. Here’s a post.

[Cut to Instagram post of their picnic]

Brie Bacardi: It says, “He thinks the flowers looked prettier on me than in the earth. #superbloom #ashappyasdayone #flatearth”.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: Wow, are you guys as in love in real life as you are in your pictures?

Brie Bacardi: Yes, [Cut to Nico and Brie] and people can tell because that’s our most liked photo to date.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, actually you’re wrong. She’s wrong. It’s actually our Disney land photo. That’s the most liked one.

Brie Bacardi: Okay, sorry, I’m wrong. [Acting annoyed] Sorry everyone. I guess I’m wrong.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Are you mad?

Brie Bacardi: No.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. You seem mad.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well I’m not mad.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Well you seem obviously mad.

Brie Bacardi: Nico, I literally don’t care. Drop it.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Drop it.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, is that how you think I talk?

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yes, when you get mad, you talk like that.

Brie Bacardi: [Pauses for a moment] Okay. Then I guess I’ll never talk again.

Nico Slobkin: [Tries to make up to Brie] No, baby. I’m sorry. What can I do? [Brie just shakes her head] What can I do? You want me to make you laugh? You want me to do Cartman? I’ll do the Cartman voice? [In Cartman voice] Cheesy poo!

Brie Bacardi: [Brie starts to laugh] Oh my god, that’s Cartman. Oh, that’s so fresh, baby.

Nico Slobkin: She loves it.

Brie Bacardi: I love you.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: I love you too, baby.

Michael Che: You good?

Brie Bacardi: Yeah, bulletproof Che. [Cut to Nico and Brie] So our next tip. Don’t forget to pack the rose because girls love the rose. Is that what your girlfriend drinks, Che?

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: I don’t have a girlfriend.

Brie Bacardi: What? [Brie touches Michael] You don’t have a girlfriend? That’s crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Well, let me know when you’re done hitting on Michael Che in front of me.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god.

[Nico pulls his shirt up covering his face]

Nico Slobkin: I’ll be in here.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. And he’s got a shirt shield on.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god!

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Were you not backstage when Emma Stone walked by and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, she’s so pretty.” Your eyes went out of your head.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, I was like the mask? They were like ‘Ba-Doom!’

Brie Bacardi: Yes!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

Brie Bacardi: You know what, you’re embarrassing yourself.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: Really?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. We’re breaking up.

Nico Slobkin: We’re breaking up?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. For real.

Nico Slobkin: Great! Whoo! Freedom.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, you’re happy?

Nico Slobkin: Yeah.

Brie Bacardi: Cool. That’s good to know for the after-party because let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. BTS will be there.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yay.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, and Pete will be there. Cool. I’m good.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Whoo! Yay!

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Well, okay. So, it wouldn’t be the first time you made out with eight dudes in one night.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, my god.

Nico Slobkin: Yes, she did. She did.

Brie Bacardi: And it was on October fest.

Nico Slobkin: So? I cannot do this anymore. You’re driving me insane. I hate my life.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well, I’m pregnant.

Nico Slobkin: You know I hate when you do this. So, I’m going to ask you, are you lying?

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.

Brie Bacardi: Our planet is flat.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Dorm Room Posters – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Pete Davidson

Percocet… Mikey Day

Black Puma… Kenan Thompson

Jaguar… Ego Nwodim

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Mad Dog Dugan… Beck Bennett

Brandy Knox… Emma Stone

[Starts with Pete stressing over his essay in his room. He has few posters on his wall.]

Pete: This is impossible. I can’t write a six page essay about the revolutionary war. But if I don’t pass this class, I’m going to get kicked out of the school. Wish history weren’t so boring.

[Percocet from one of his posters calls Pete out]

Percocet: Yo, wake up, homey.

Pete: What the— Wow, Percocet? How are you talking? You’re a poster.

Percocet: Yah, coz you dreaming brah. [Cut to Percocet] But you also tripping saying no one cares about history. Yo, you know my song, atomic ass. The part that’s like, “Baby, put the ass on me, drop it like a Nagasaki“, that’s a historical reference, brah.

[Cut to Percocet and Pete]

Pete: Whoa, my favorite rapper, like, cares about history.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar talking from the poster]

Black Puma: So do your favorite superheroes.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Black Puma and Jaguar. You care about history too?

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Jaguar: Oh, yes. History is very important.

Black Puma: As I say in our blockbuster movie, to know the past is to see the future.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Are you guys saying that like history actually matters?

[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox. Krissy Knox is talking from the poster]

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah.

Pete: Oh, Krissy Knox. You’re one of maxim magazines 50 hottest girls from rural areas. You like history as well?

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Yeah.

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan talking from the poster]

Mad Dog Dugan: And so does WME superstar Mad Dog Dugan. My whole story line for wrestle fest 17 came straight from the Iliad.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wow, so history, like, influences wrestling.

[Cut to Percocet]

Percocet: Um-hmm. And music.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: And movies.

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: And my long fat garden hose that I’m drinking from like a dumb, silly doggy.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Hey, Krissy, please. Less about your hose and more about history. This boy must pass his class.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah, for real. When I read about the American Revolution, I get so bored. How am I supposed to write an essay I care nothing about?

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: It’s all in how you look at it, brother. For instance, when my former tag team partner, Peter Party Hardy, betrayed me at super slam nine. That’s exactly what Benedict Arnold did to George Washington.

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Or when I bent down and picked up this wet, squeaky garden hose and drank from it with my dirty, thirsty mouth, that’s math.

[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]

Percocet: Yo, it’s not math. It’s history.

Krissy Knox: Right. And history is just yesterday’s tomorrow.

Pete: Isn’t that just today?

Krissy Knox: Oh, hell yeah.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Krissy, no more of this.

Jaguar: Brother, let me go over there, slap this foolish girl.

Black Puma: No, no, sister. That is not the way of the Puma. Krissy, do not lead his mind down the porno path. Do you have anything in mind that can help this boy pass his class?

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Look at my dumb old belly button.

[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]

Pete: Yeah, I like it.

Percocet: Knock that noise off, yo.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Young man, just take that poster down. You will never learn with her around.

[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox]

Pete: Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Krissy, but I need to focus on this paper.

[Pete walks to Krissy Knox poster and tears it down. There’s another picture of a girl that looks just like her]

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: What the hell? You have another poster of this Knox lady?

[Cut to Pete standing in front of that poster]

Pete: Oh no, that’s Brandy Knox. Krissy’s Twin sister. I don’t like her as much. [Pete takes his seat] Anyway, we got to talk about this essay. Like what am I going to write about?

[Cut to Percocet]

Percocet: All right, so check it, yo. You got to find the reasons why American Revolution happened. You feel me? Yo, you heard my song, Bitch Na featuring Dj Fat Ass, right? It’s like the colonists with Britain. The war was them saying, “Bitch, nah, that ass ain’t worth it”.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, I get it because Americans wanted to control their own destiny.

[Cut to Brandy and Pete. Brandy is dancing with a burger on one hand and beer on the other]

Brandy Knox: Hell yeah.

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: Perfect. Anyway, that’s your thesis broheim.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: What’s a thesis?

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Thesis. This is my fat greasy burger. And this is my hugs, stupid beer. Thesis.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Jaguar: Shut up about your stupid burger and your beer. We are close.

Black Puma: Boy, listen to me. That thesis is your opening argument.

[Cut to Brandy and Pete]

Pete: Okay. That’s like one sentence. What’s the rest?

Brandy Knox: What’s more?

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: Oh, my god. The rest of the essay is proving your thesis. That’s the body.

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Yeah, my body is going to feel nasty after I scarf that fat, mushy, stinky burger and wash it down with this frosty dumb ass beer.

[Cut to Percocet and Pete]

Percocet: Stop, y’all. This kid’s going to fail.

Pete: Not a chance. My days are getting ’F’s are in the past.

[Cut to everybody]

Percocet: Oh, in the past. Yo, I think you mean those days are history.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Well, thanks everyone, now I’m going to wake up and write an A+ history paper.

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Oh yeah!

[Cut to an essay graded F with “See me” written on it]

Weekend Update: Travel Expert Carrie Krum on Spring Break – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Michael Che

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Spring break is around the corner, which means families across the country are heading out on vacation. Here with her insider tips is seventh grade travel expert, Carrie Krum.

[Cheers and applause]

[Carrie Krum joins Michael Che]

Carrie Krum: My god.

Michael Che: Hi Carrie. So, how is your trip to New York?

Carrie Krum: I love it. I saw a cop on a horse yell at a bus.

Michael Che: Cool. So where should people head for spring break?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie Krum: Oh well, spring break means fun, sun and music on the beach, so you got to head to Boise, Idaho. It checks every box. Grammy, my step grandpa, a.k.a Peepo. And their cat that’s so old it has an IV hanging from the chandelier. Not to mention their neighbor has a daughter who is my age. She put eyeshadow on me, Michael. [Cut to Carrie and Michael] And, Michael? [Carrie is excited] Michael?

Michael Che: Yes.

Carrie Krum: When the pizza guys saw me, he asked if we were having a party.

Michael Che: Okay, that sounds like what your family did in Boise. Any ideas for what other people can do?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie Krum: Oh, well, yeah. An absolute must see is my Grammy’s Cul-De-Sac. It is primo roller blade country. But travelers, please, learn from my mistake and do not roller blade in gravel, okay? I fell and scraped my chin, and my brother said it looked like I had a blood goatee. And at the time, I was mad, but now I got to give it up for the blood goatee. [Cut to Carrie and Michael] It’s good.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, for spring break a lot of people like to go to the beach. Do you have any beach recommendations?

Carrie Krum: Yeah, I do. [Cut to Carrie] Oh, sure. Say Aloha to the beaches of western Pennsylvania. I’m talking lake Erie. Go ankle deep in this ice cold water that stinks. And, Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael] did you know that flies can be on the beach?

Michael Che: No, that’s – that’s cool.

Carrie Krum: Yeah, it is. [Cut to Carrie] And also, we had to stop in Pittsburgh on the way to see my dad’s side of the family. And my brother had to wear a yarmulke to dinner. And, Michael? [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah?

Carrie Krum: It looked like half of a bra. Oh god!

Michael Che: Well, at least it sounds like you have fun wherever you go.

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But trips aren’t always easy. You know? [Cut to Carrie] One time in the car I told my family that I loved my mom more than my dad. And everyone got really quiet. But that’s life on the road, Michael.

[Cut to Carrie and Michael]

Michael Che: It absolutely is.

Carrie Krum: Oh, and Michael? Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah?

Carrie Krum: Safety. [Carrie Krum farts]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Carrie Krum, everybody.

Carrie Krum: Sorry. Emma Stone gave me a bunch of corn dogs.

Michael Che: It’s okay. It’s okay.

Royal Baby Video – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

21 Savage… Chris Redd

James Corden… Aidy Bryant

Tinsley Granger… Emma Stone

Ringo Starr… Pete Davidson

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of The Duke and Duchess’ Estate]

[Cut to Prince Harry vlogging in a his baby shower]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy Prince Harry, a.k.a. the Ginger of Windsor, a.k.a. Redhead Redemption 2. I am making this video for you, my future child, to watch when you’re older. We’re going to do a private birth for you, keeping it low-key. But we are having a big baby shower, and I wanted you to come out and see all the people who came to celebrate you. So come on, let’s take a lap. Come on. [Prince Harry walks to his dad Prince Charles] Oh, here we go. Come on. Your grandpa, Prince Charles, right? Say hello, Dad.

Prince Charles: Hello.

Prince Harry: Do you want to say anything to your future grandchild?

Prince Charles: Yes, hello.

Prince Harry: All right. Well said, dad. The people’s prince. [Prince Harry walks away] All right. Who else have we got? Oh, no, there’s James Corden. He’s been at a ten since he got here. [James Corden is dancing and singing] Yeah, yeah. Don’t let him see the camera. He’ll be on us all night, all right? We’re going to meet my brother, your uncle William. Now, I told him it was an ‘80s costume party. He bought it. Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Mercury. [Prince William is dressed up like Freddie Mercury] Freddie Mercury. You did it. You brought a mic stand.

Prince William: Yes. Don’t I look a pratt. Good evening, my brother. What a fool?

Prince Harry: Oh, he’s mad. Luckily anger is like your hair. Easy come—easy go.

Prince William: Bravo.

Prince Harry: So you brought a gift there.

Prince William: I did, yes. [Prince William shows a baby clothes] A hilarious onesie. “Keep calm and change my nappy.”

[Kate Middleton joins them]

Kate Middleton: All right. William, darling, tell him about the other gift.

Prince William: Oh, right. Also we bought the baby a house.

Prince Harry: Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Prince William: I’ll go get the keys. He’s going to love it. It’s huge.

[Prince William leaves]

Prince Harry: Here she is, your aunt Kate Middleton. The papers keep saying she’s feuding with your mum, but that’s not true.

Kate Middleton: No, we’re not feuding. Why? Why would we? Because I follow all the strict rules and she doesn’t, and people love her for it? I love that. Excuse me.

[Kate Middleton leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Look who it is fresh off being deported from the US, [Prince Harry runs into 21 Savage] 21 Savage. How different is England from Atlanta, mate?

21 Savage: A lot.

Prince Harry: All right. Still pretty cool though, right?

21 Savage: Nah.

[21 Savage leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. It will grow on you, mate. Oh, James Corden, James Corden. Duck, duck.

[Prince Harry and camera man are hiding. James Corden is looking for them.]

James Corden: Oh, I saw a camera somewhere.

Prince Harry: Picked up the scent. [James Corden is gone] All right. Come on, come on. All right. Look who it is. [Prince Harry runs into Tinsley Granger. She is having champagne. She is a bit drunk] It’s one of my ex-girlfriends, excellent. Ms. Tinsley Granger Gash. Hi Tins. You want to say something to my future child?

Tinsley Granger: Oh! [Tinsley Granger speaks very close to the camera] Hello, little baby. Hello lonely tiny baby.

Prince Harry: A little close, Tins. [Prince Harry pulls Tinsley backwards]

Tinsley Granger: Your dad broke up with me on Whatsapp.

Prince Harry: Okay. So how have you been, Tins?

Tinsley Granger: Splendid, Harry. Splendid. I’m so busy and happy. I’m glad we didn’t make it, Harry. I don’t want to be a duchess and live in a huge house for free. Hi, little baby.

Prince Harry: Maybe ease off the champagne a little bit there.

Tinsley Granger: Kiss me on the mouth, Harry. I’m joking. Do it, though. I’m joking. I’m dating someone anyway. He was in ‘Harry Potter’.

Prince Harry: Oh, who did he play?

Tinsley Granger: Hagrid.

Prince Harry: I’m sorry, what?

Tinsley Granger: [In loud voice] Hagrid.

Prince Harry: Oh, Hagrid, awesome. He’s great. All right, fantastic. Better be off. Thank you Tins.

Tinsley Granger: Bye little baby.

[Prince Harry walks away from Tinsley Granger]

Prince Harry: Stop talking to my future child. Beatle alert, Ringo Starr.

[Ringo Starr passes by the camera]

Ringo Starr: Peace and love.

Prince Harry: All right. I kind of wish it was Paul, but anyway, let’s keep moving. Looking for James Corden. Do not see him, so come on.

[Prince Harry runs into Charlie]

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, Harry, my man. How is it going? Nice to finally meet you. I’m Charlie. I’m a friend of Meghan’s mom.

Prince Harry: All right. Hey, anything to say to my future child?

Charlie: Oh, sure, sure. How is it going there? There’s a chance that you’re going to come out with usual mama’s skin on the bottom and your daddy’s bright red hair on the top. Yeah, that’s right. You might be black ginger. That’s right. And that’s amazing. You’re going to be like a unicorn. It’s going to be you and Blake Griffin. All right. Stay in school and study hard. Actually, that won’t matter for you. You’re rich and famous. You already hit the lottery. All right. I’ll see you later, kid. Charlie out.

[Charlie leaves]

Prince Harry: All right, that was fun. Let’s go look at your gifts. [Prince Harry opens the door and goes inside the room full of gifts] Look at all these gifts. We’re going to donate most of these. [Prince Harry runs into Ego Nwodim] Oh, I’m sorry.

Ego Nwodim: Sorry. I’m Meghan’s cousin. I needed a breather. It’s real British in there. There was a guy wearing a tux eating a sandwich that was just mayonnaise. That’s maximum British.

Prince Harry: It is, yeah.

Ego Nwodim: Anyway, I’ll get out of here.

[Ego Nwodim leaves]

Prince Harry: Yeah, it’s fine. It’s fine. Sorry. All right. We’re going to donate –

[Sound coming from the pile of gifts]

Queen Elizabeth: Help me.

Prince Harry: Oh, someone’s trapped under the gifts. [Prince Harry finds Queen Elizabeth on the floor] Oh, my god, it’s grandma. Grandma, you’re on the floor. What’s going on?

[Prince Charles comes in]

Prince Charles: What happened? Am I king?

Prince Harry: No. Dad, she’s fine.

Prince Charles: Oh, well, good. [Prince Charles leaves]

Prince Harry: Grandma, what happened?

Queen Elizabeth: I was snooping trying to see what the Clooneys got you when an avalanche of boxes hit me.

Prince Harry: Be careful. You want to say hello to your future grandchild?

Queen Elizabeth: Well, hello. Welcome to the family. I already love you with all my heart.

Prince Harry: Oh, grandma.

Queen Elizabeth: Even though you’re half American, which means you’re half traitor.

[Queen Elizabeth leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Thank you, gran. All right. Last stop, [Prince Harry walks to another door] your mom was taking a little nap in here. So let’s see if she’s awake. She’s absolutely gorgeous. Let’s go see your mom, come on. [ Prince Harry opens the door] Meghan love, are you—[James Corden shows up inside the door]

James Corden: Ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Oh no. James Corden

James Corden: I knew it.

Prince Harry:James Corden. Cut it! Cut it!

[The video cuts]

Weekend Update: Julian Assange Arrested – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Julian Assange at the left top corner] Wikileaks founder and reason I put take over my computer camera, Julian Assange, was arrested at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London and dude did not go quietly.

[Cut to video clips of Julian Assange getting arrested]

Julian Assange: The UK has no civility. They must resist.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is not how you’re typically removed from an Embassy. That’s how you’re removed from the F Train. It was so satisfying to see and internet troll get dragged out into the sunlight. Like you can be lord of darkness on the internet, but when seven cops have you pinned to the sidewalk, you can’t be like, I summon the power of emails. Then when asked about Assange’s arrest, President Trump said this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald trump: I know nothing about wikileaks. It’s not my thing. I know there is something having to do with Julian Assange. I know nothing really about him. It’s not my—It’s not my deal in life.

[Cut to Colin Jost. The picture is now of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: What is your deal in life? I’m just genuinely curious since you brought it up. Also you cannot say that wikileaks is not your deal because at some point it was like your whole deal.

[Cut to different video clips of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: This wikileaks ins unbelievable. Boy, I love reading those wikileaks. This wikileaks is fascinating. It’s been amazing what’s coming out in wikileaks. I love wikileaks.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re more obsessed with wikileaks than this audience with [The picture changes to BTS] BTS.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner]

Michael Che: President Trump is considering releasing detained immigrants into sanctuary cities to send a message to democrats. What’s the message? Have some more voters? Yeah, man, that will show them. I don’t know how they’re going to handle a bunch of immigrants in a city like New York. You can’t scare us with more immigrants. That just means faster ubers and more elmos. Or maybe he should send immigrants to [Picture changes to New York city] New York. I know a huge building on fifth avenue where nobody wants to live anymore. [Picture changes to Trump Tower]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flag at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Just one day after Kristjen Nielsen resigned as head of Homeland Security, the White House says the Director of the Secret Service is leaving as well. So right now we have no secretary of Homeland Security, no Secretary of Defense, no Head of I.C.E., No head of the Secret Service, and no U.N. Ambassador. At this point our nation’s security is just one of those [Picture changes ring doorbell camera] ring doorbell cameras.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Stephen Miller at right top corner]

Michael Che: Trump adviser Stephen Miller also wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in tent cities. Fun fact, tent city is also what Stephen Miller gets anytime a girl talks to him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of calendar marked at 15 at left top corner]

Colin Jost: And this Monday is tax day. So, if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re amazon.