Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Ladies Room – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in a room. The music is playing.]

Ego Nwodim: Oh-oh.

Cecily Strong: I had to leave my one bedroom, two bath rental to come to this?

Leslie Jones: Sorry, girl, but you had to get here.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. These women have their hands all over your man.

Cecily Strong: Ooh, I cannot hear this today. This makes me much, much, crazy insane. And girlfriend, you know I’m already most of the way there.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. Didn’t your psychiatrist say he wouldn’t take your money anymore?

Cecily Strong: Listen girls, I’m not going to stoop to the level of a J-A-W. Jackass woman. Because things might get crazilus.

Leslie Jones: Crazilus? Did you mean to say that?

Cecily Strong: No. Let’s go somewhere where we can talk in private.

[Cecily, Emma and Leslie start dancing and moving]

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: You do not need this.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: He owes you everything.

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: He was gay before he met you.

Everybody: We’ll be back pretty soon

Emma Stone: He has his green card because of you.

[A band comes in the room]

Everybody: Oh, oh, oh, oh

Emma Stone: It’s your brother and his electric dancing chair.

Everybody: I don’t know but I think there’s something up with your man
Something up with your man
cause he’s out there bragging that he just bought a purple Trans-Am.
That’s his mama’s car.

I’m going to meet you in the ladies room.

Cecily Strong: These women just keep pushing me.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: But you’re mad at him too, right?

Everybody: I’m going to meet you in the ladies room

Cecily Strong: No, just those nasty, nasty women

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Leslie Jones: I think your anger is misplaced

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

We’ll be back real soon.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey! [Music stops] What the hell is going on in here?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: We’re all dancing in the ladies room.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Shut up.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Her man has been giving her headaches, so we’re discussing it in the ladies room.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily Strong: But I’m not mad at him. Just those CHWs, those chicken-headed women.

[Cut to the women]

Ego Nwodim: So get out of here, sir. This is a ladies restroom.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: This is not a restroom.

[Cut to the women]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, it is. It’s the ladies room at club Vortex.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, it is not. This is a fitting room at Limited Express.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Then why did I go to the bathroom in there?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Why did you what? [Kenan runs to the door and looks in there] Oh, my – this is a mess all over this room. Didn’t you see there wasn’t no toilet in there? Huh? This is a fitting room. There is so much mess. How many of y’all went?

[Cut to the women. They all raise their hands.]

Leslie Jones: I went five times because I drank two boxes of wine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: What is wrong with you people? This is Limited Express. Why don’t you know that?

[Cut to the women]

Cecily Strong: Since when it is a Limited Express and not club Vortex anymore?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Since Christmas. It was in the paper. They got shut down for serving tainted burger meat.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Who keeps up with all that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: There wasn’t no toilet in the room.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: I wondered why I was going in front of a three-way mirror. What kind of ladies room is that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Again, this is not a ladies room. And what is your deal anyway, man? You’re not even a lady.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: No. I’m eye candy. Plus this is my chair that I own.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Get out before I call the police. Man, I got to clean this whole thing up before 6 AM.

[Cut to everybody] [Music starts playing, everyone is leaving while dancing]

Everybody: We’re gonna meet you in the ladies room.

Kenan Thompson: You are kidding me. Every single stall?

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Kenan Thompson: No, you won’t. You are banned.

Leslie Jones: I have to pee before I leave.

Chalmers Reserve Event Wine – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Fred Chalmers… Kenan Thompson

Leezan Chalmers… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emma Stone

[Starts with an intro video]

[Cut to Fred and Leezan in their set. They have wine bottle in front of them, and wine glasses in their hands.]

Fred Chalmers: Hi, I’m Fred Chalmers.

Leezan Chalmers: And I’m Leezan Chalmers. You may recognize us from our reality show ‘The Nastiest Summer Renters In Sag Harbor’.

Fred Chalmers: It’s the show that won spectrum cable’s award for unhappiest group.

Leezan Chalmers: It’s been canceled already.

Fred Chalmers: Unlike our brand new wine, Chalmer’s reserve event wine. An affordable wine that, unlike our show, won’t receive any complaints.

Leezan Chalmers: Because Chalmer’s reserve is 72% golden grain alcohol.

Fred Chalmers: After the first sip, guests will be like, “This can’t be right. I must have misstated this.”

Leezan Chalmers: By the second sip, they won’t know a great wine from leftover hotdog water.

Fred Chalmers: They’ll be more concerned about, “How did I get in the pool?” Or, “Why am I being chased in this wig?”

Leezan Chalmers: And, hey, it may even usher in your first lesbian experience.

Fred Chalmers: That goes for the men as well.

Leezan Chalmers: Let out winemakers tell you how we’re able to make such a wonderful wine for under $1 a bottle.

[Kyle and Emma join them]

Kyle Mooney: The process is what we call [Cut to Kyle and Emma] “Vino Kativo Sapore”.

[Kyle and Emma are speaking in horrible Italian accent]

Emma Stone: This means the wine is made from the grapes that didn’t make the cut for the better wine.

Kyle Mooney: The ones that I got to pull off the conveyor belt because they were flat on one side or had a mole on the top.

Emma Stone: We also use the twigs and the trash that were sorted away from the premium grapes.

Kyle Mooney: And of course the distilled yellow corn.

Emma Stone: It’s the corn that covers up the taste of the grape.

Kyle Mooney: Because the grape, it’s no good.

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Leezan Chalmers: Thank you.

Fred Chalmers: Go back to the motel now.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: I ask them, “Is this like a wine for dogs or something?” They laugh, and they say, “Ha-ha, kinda.”

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Fred Chalmers: You’re overwhelming them with the details.

Leezan Chalmers: It was fun learning about the process from you to, so bye.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: Also, this is the only wine you got to put in a tooth guard before you drink it because it stains your teeth, and it don’t ever come out.

Kyle Mooney: Because we’ve got to use the dye. The grapes for this wine aren’t even red.

Emma Stone: Before color, the wine is brown.

Kyle Mooney: That is why we think it is for the dog because it smells like the chicken bone too.

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Fred Chalmers: Hey, man, don’t be giving away our secrets.

Leezan Chalmers: I think we all understand how the wine is made now. Please go.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: We are not proud of this wine.

Kyle Mooney: We go to hell maybe for making this wine.

Emma Stone: We’re not even Italian.

Kyle Mooney: We sign a contract say we got to talk like this for a year.

Emma Stone: And our Italian accents are no good.

[Cut to everybody]

Leezan Chalmers: Please leave. You’re done.

Emma Stone: You still owe us a half.

Leezan Chalmers: Keep checking your mailbox, dummy!

Fred Chalmers: Yes, you two can take your whole world Charmin and get on the loser train.

Emma Stone: You haven’t heard the last of us.

[Kyle and Emma leave]

Leezan Chalmers: Whoa, baby, you told their Italian asses off.

Fred Chalmers: Damn right.

[Fred takes a sip of wine]

Leezan Chalmers: Fred, good lord, no! [Fred spits it out behind Leezan. Something burns from the wine so there is fire behind Leezan.] I think my hair is on fire.

[Emm and Kyle join them again]

Emma Stone: Your chickens have come home to roost.

Leezan Chalmers: Get out of here Italian bitch!

Kyle Mooney: What about me?

Fred Chalmers: You are beautiful woman, and so am I. [Fred starts to touch Kyle]

Leezan Chalmers: Oh, god! He’s already there. It just touched his tongue.

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Chalmers reserve event wine. Mmm-mmm.

The Actress – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Director … Beck Bennett

[Starts with Emma driving to her work]

Narration: I’ve been trying to make it as an actress for years, but I was sick of doing commercials of playing one dimensional women with vacant lives. Then one day, life came knocking. This time with the challenge.

[Cut to shooting set]

Emma Stone: Excuse me. Hello. I’m grace. Are you the director of the film?

[Cut to the director]

Director: What?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m the lead actress. I play the woman who gets cheated on the gay porn.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I wanted to ask you about my line if you have a moment. I open the door, and I say, “Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.” Like that?

[Cut to a young boy working out behind the director]

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Is that my god son?

[Cut to the director]

Director: Yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Fascinating.

[Cut to the director]

Director: You’ll put on whatever you want from the woman thing. You’ll get your mean voucher after we wrap.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you. [Emma goes to change] Oh, Lube.

Narration: [Emma goes through the woman’s stuff] The director’s method was guidance regarding the character. All I had were clues, pieces, a puzzle of the woman’s life. Two pairs of loose sweat pants, a single ugg boot, a couple of batteries and some happy 2017 glasses. Who are you, Deirdre? That’s the name I gave her. [Cut to the director talking to other actors] The first scene was rough.

Director: Action!

[Emma walks in]

Narration: I was having trouble finding her.

Emma Stone: I’m going to the mall. Perhaps I’ll get some flowers to brighten up the place. The house could use some color, no? If you need me, you can reach me on my cell phone.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Cut. Just say what’s in the script.

[Cut to Emma and the director]

Emma Stone: I was just trying to act as Deirdre.

Director: There’s nothing to her. People are just going to scroll past you so they can get off. She has no past, no future. She exists only to be cheated on. Say what’s on the script.

Emma Stone: Thank you.

Director: Action!

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Jared, I’m getting my nails at the mall. Now teach my godson push-ups right before our wedding, Jared.

Director: Cut. That’s great. [Cut to the director] Nice and flat. On the real stuff . If you don’t want to watch, you can sit on a folding chair just outside. I’ll call you when it’s time for you to catch them in the act.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: When they betray me.

[Cut to Emma sitting at the side of the swimming pool practicing her lines]

Narration: I was riddled.

Emma Stone: Jared, how could you?

Narration: I didn’t know if I would find Deirdre in time.

Emma Stone: Not with my god son. Jared, Jared.

Director: Wife, we’re ready for you.

Narration: And then just when I thought she’d never come to me.

[Emma goes to the set]

Director: Action.

[Cut to Emma]

Narration: She did.

Emma Stone: Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.

[Cut to Emma’s depiction of her character’s past]

Narration: I saw the rich and beautiful back story of this woman. Her childhood, her first job. The night she met Jared.

Crowd: Three, two, one, happy new year!

[Cut to Jared and Deirdre]

Narration: The promises she was told.

Jared: I will love you, a woman, forever.

Narration: Her god son’s 18th birthday.

[Cut to Deirdre and her god son]

Deirdre: I know how much you like batteries.

Narration: And all another times she was blindsided by life.

Deirdre: Jared, someone broke in and stole my left ugg boot. Jared, you have a second cell phone? Jared, why is my god son sleeping over?

Narration: I felt the bruises and scars from the past. I saw what led her here.

[Cut to Deirdre talking to her god son]

Deirdre: You would never hurt me.

Narration: And I saw her in the present walking in on the love of her life with her god son. [Cut to Emma on her shooting set] And then Deirdre took over and said –

Emma Stone: Jared, I forgive you.

Director: Cut. [Cut to the director] We’ll edit that out. Just give her the meal voucher.

[Cut to Emma getting in her car]

Emma Stone: Deirdre, how do I get you out of me? I can’t take you with me. I’m sorry. This is it. Good bye. [Emma puts her hands on steering wheel] Oh, how did I get lube on me?

Emma Stone Four-Timers Monologue – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone. [Cheers and applause]

[Emma comes in from the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you, thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. And before we get started, I just wanted to test the sound levels. So, BTS is here! [Cheers and applause] Okay. Are the microphones okay? Everyone’s okay? Okay, good. Okay, good. We’re good to go. Great. SNL has always been such a huge part of my family’s life. My grandpa Donald and my grandma Nene introduced it to my mom and her siblings. And then my mom introduced it to me and we especially loved Gilda Radner, who made us laugh nonstop. And it became a huge dream to even be anywhere near this place and tonight is my fourth time hosting. [Cheers and applause] And my mom and Nene are both here to see it. So, my real family is meeting my SNL family. It’s a really special night. And I know the fifth time is the big one where they pull out all the stops and they induct you into the five-timers club. I have seen some of the cast walking around the whispering like they’re kind of—I don’t know, planning something for my fourth show. I don’t know. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. But I they did, I just hope they don’t go too overboard, you know? Oh, Kenan. Hey, Kate. Get over here.

[Kenan and Kate join Emma on stage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?

Emma Stone: Are you guys planning something for me?

Kate McKinnon: Such as?

Emma Stone: Guys, just please promise me you’re not going to sing some special song that you wrote just for me for my fourth show.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, we promise.

Kate McKinnon: Hard promise.

Emma Stone: Because, even though I know you play guitar.

Kate McKinnon: Kind of.

[Emma passes a guitar to Kate]

Emma Stone: Like this one for instance, it’s okay if you didn’t write a song for me. Like that was silly for me to even think something like that. That was silly.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, no. We could—we’ll do – we have a special song.

Kenan Thompson: Yes. Yes, we do. We wrote it and here it is.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. I asked you not to do this. What?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nice.

Kate McKinnon: I remember

Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon: When she used to host
And now she’s hosting
Oh, Emma, she hosts
Oh, Emma, she hosts

Kenan Thompson: There you go. Thank you very much.

Emma Stone: That was so sweet. An original song just for me. Thank you. Thank you. But you swear you didn’t get me any like thoughtful presents or anything, right?

[Aidy Bryant joins the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yes. Yes. It’s actually – it’s – [Cut to Emma and Aidy] yeah. It’s time for the gifts that of course we have planned for you. So, I got you this beautiful silver bracelet.

Emma Stone: Oh, Aidy, I love it. You had it engraved. That’s so sweet. Penicillin allergy. That’s so cool. [Cut to everybody] You guys are amazing. That’s amazing. But don’t have any like special guests here to surprise me or something, do you?

Aidy Bryant: Yes. Yes. We –

Emma Stone: What? We definitely do.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, but you know what? They are very shy.

Kate McKinnon: So you’ll need a blindfold.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Emma puts on a blindfold]

[Kenan bring Melissa to the stage]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, we found someone very cool, folks, who just happened to be in town. This is Owen Wilson.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Mimicking Owen Wilson] Hey, Emma, wow, way to go.

Emma Stone: That’s cool. Hey, Owen.

Kenan Thompson: And this is Ash from pokemon.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, it’s Ash Ketchum. You’re my favorite pokemon.

Emma Stone: That’s a cartoon.

Kenan Thompson: But we saved the best for last. Oprah.

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t have an Oprah. You do it.

[Kyle Mooney joins the stage]

Kyle Mooney: [Trying to mimic Oprah] Wow, so many cars born in Chicago.

Emma Stone: Wait. Is this Kyle? [Emma opens her blindfold] Oh, my god. You guys got Kyle? This is officially the best night of my life.

[Chris comes to the stage with a denim jacket with 4 written on it with a marker]

Chris Redd: Don’t forget the four timer jacket.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. Wow. Thanks guys. Oh, my god. We got a great show. BTS is here. Kyle is here. [Cheers and applause] So, stick around. We’ll be right back. You got Kyle?

Jail Cell Cold Open – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prison Guard … Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aunt Becky …Kate McKinnon

Brother Wallace

Michael Avenatti … Pete Davidson

Julian Assange …Michael Keaton

Tekashi 69 … Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: Brought to you by MSNBC. Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero. Right now it’s Lock Up, Chino correctional facility.

[Cut to prison guard and Chris. Prison guard is locking Chris in jail.]

Prison Guard: Good luck in there. And, hey, have fun.

Chris Redd: Yeah, thanks. [Chris walks in the jail] I really appreciate that.

[Cut to Chris, Kenan and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you in here for?

Chris Redd: Little robbery. Ain’t going to stick though. How about you, little man?

Kyle Mooney: What the hell did you just say? [Kyle stands with rage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, both of you all sit down.

Kyle Mooney: I’m in here for assault, bitch. You want a reenactment.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey!

Chris Redd: What about you, old man?

Kenan Thompson: Old man? Son, I’m the craziest dude in here. Stabbed my neighborhood to death and then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.

Chris Redd: Damn, that’s insane.

[Aunt Becky walks in]

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC.

Chris Redd: Wait, what?

Aunt Becky: You heard me. [Cut to Aunt Becky, Chris and Kenan] I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.

Kenan Thompson: Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah. And that’s not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?

Aunt Becky: Communications. Yeah. And you know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.

Kenan Thompson: Stop it. I can’t hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!

Aunt Becky: Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-k.

Chris Redd: Wait a second. Are you Aunt Becky?

[Aunt Becky takes a pencil out and points it towards Chris to stab him]

Aunt Becky: Say that again?

Chris Redd: All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is it Lori? Do I call you Lori?

Aunt Becky: No, no. I have a new name now.

Brother Wallace: Brother Becky.

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Brother Wallace]

Aunt Becky: Yes, Brother Wallace.

Brother Wallace: You forgot your Kufi?

Aunt Becky: I did? Well, to quote Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”

[Cut to everybody. Brother Wallace leaves.]

Chris Redd: Wait. So you’re in the nation of Islam now?

Aunt Becky: That’s right. [Aunt Becky sits beside Chris] I bought my way in for 100 grand. Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the White Devil.

Kenan Thompson: Man, [Cut to Kenan and Kyle] you won’t survive in here more than a week?

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Chris]

Aunt Becky: Oh, really? You think prison is hard. I have done 68 hallmark movies, I have seen hell man! And in half of those hallmark movies I marry Santa’s son, so I have lost all sense of reality. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut it out.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Damn, yo, I think being on a sitcom for 12 years drove her crazy.

[Michael comes in.]

Michael Avenatti: Did somebody say crazy?

Chris Redd: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you’re damn right, baby.

Chris Redd: Wait. [Cut to Chris and Kenan] How do you know this fool?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I watch a lot of Morning Joe. I’m team Mika.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: You’re a lawyer. What are you in here for? Speeding tickets?

Michael Avenatti: Speeding tickets? Bitch, I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, [Cut to Michael] like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. [Cut to everybody] And I’m so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. [Cut to Michael] And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.

[Cut to everybody]

Aunt Becky: Okay, he wins. He’s the craziest.

[Cut to Julian]

Julian Assange: Is he, though?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Yo, is that Julian Assange?

Julian Assange: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, that makes sense. I was going to say Santa’s back on crack.

Julian Assange: That’s right. It’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy. I’m the king of chaos. I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

[Kyle walks to Julian]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah? What’s the big deal? Old man doesn’t look so tough.

Julian Assange: You want to throw down, amigo? [Cut to Julian and Kyle] You want to? I hope you’re proud of every single photo in your iPod because , boom, all your ding dong pics just went on the internet.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, right.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you remember that notes folder you had? What was that called? Ideas for shark tank.

Kyle Mooney: How did you know about that?

Julian Assange: I know everything, baby.

Kyle Mooney: But my password has letters and numbers.

[Cut to everybody]

Julian Assange: Now, you sons of bitches want to hear how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. [Cut to Julian] I’m wanted in the US and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuqador. You try figuring that one out. [Cut to everybody] Yeah, you cheat your schools and you know you rob your companies. [Cut to Julian] That’s cute. It is, yeah. I’ve attacked the US military bitches, because I’m an actual James Bond super villain and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you want to get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Avenatti: Okay. He wins. I yield my time.

Julian Assange: Thank you. [Cut to Julian] Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there in the corner.

Chris Redd: Yeah, but watch out for that dude, man, because he must be in here for something crazy.

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

[Cut to Chris and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! You mean Takashi 69? Hey, Tekashi, you in here for something crazy?

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Tekashi 69: Nah, just robbery and gun stuff. It’s stupid!

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Michael Avenatti: We may both regret this but Takashi, do you need a lawyer? See, prison’s fun.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

High Stakes Japanese Game Show – Revised and translated

This is a heavily revised version of the one currently posted; it addresses omissions/transcription errors, but more importantly translates the Japanese where possible.

Note: As the actors are not fluent Japanese speakers, sometimes names are a bit off and pronunciation makes it next to impossible to determine the precise meaning.

Narrator: And now, from Tokyo, it’s “Quiz Kings”! Here’s your host, Nakadai Toshiro-san!
Nakdai: Okay, hi! Hello, everyone. It certainly is hot outside, isn’t it? Kotara-san, Kotara-san… You’re looking as lovely as always.
Kotara: Toshiro-san… Oh, you. I swear!
Nakadai: All right. Well, let’s move on to Takashi Akira-san. You’ve won [6 million yen] already. That’s incredible.
Akira: [I’ve never seen anyone win so much!]
Nakadai: Okay, okay. Let’s introduce the challengers. Nakida Sanshira-san. Hello!
(Blows her a kiss)
Sanshira: As always, [unintelligible].
Nakadai: And finally, from “Mil-wau-kee, Wis-con-sin” … Rarry Tenperuton-san. Greetings, yes!
Templeton: (Confused) I-I’m sorry. I don’t speak Japanese.
Nakadai: Rarry-san, yes! A brief introduction, please.
Templeton: I-I don’t understand. There’s been a little mistake. Uh…
Nakadai: (Unintelligible, followed by laughter)
Templeton: (Laughing politely) You see, my wife Mary and I are here on vacation. It’s a lovely country, everyone’s been great. Anyhoo, the concierge at the hotel said, “Do you wanna go to a game show?” Well-
Nakadai: Wonderful, just wonderful! Okay, let’s begin. Question No. 1…
Templeton: See, I thought she meant see a game show, not BE on a game show! Big mistake. BIG mistake!
Nakadai: Thank you.
Kotara: Not at all.
Nakadai: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you.
Kotara: Yes.
Nakadai: Question No. 1: How many keys does a piano have: 70 (nanajuu), 100 (hyaku), or 88 (hachijuuhachi)? Akira-san!
Akira: 70?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: Aah, no, that’s wrong. That’s wrong. Sanshira-san!
Sanshira: 100?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: Yeah, that’s wrong again. Rarry-san?
Templeton: Me? I don’t know. I-I’m sorry… Does anybody here speak English? Do you guys speak English? I…
Nakadai: Rarry-san: 70 (nanajuu), 100 (hyaku), or 88 (hachijuuhachi)?
Templeton: Can I pass? You know what, I pass! Uh…
Nakadai: Nanajuu, hyaku, or hachijuuhachi?
Templeton: Hachi… juuhachi? I…
(Larry wins Y50,000; Audience cheers)
Nakadai: Correct, correct! That’s correct!
Nakadai: Correct. Rarry-san, [congratulations, that’s right].
Templeton: (Pleased and surprised) Really?! All right, well… Kanuka! Kanuka! (Nonsense Japanese)
Nakadai: Thank you, thank you. Second question. [Oh, this time, you have to write.] Does Kagemusha give you the willies, or does Godzilla? Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
Templeton: I-I’m sorry – “Cage Moosh”?
Nakadai: Does Kagemusha gives you the willies, or does Godzilla?
Templeton: Oh! (Writes his answer)
(Timer goes off)
Nakadai: [That’s time!] Akira-san!
Akira: Kagemusha?
Nakadai: Aah, that’s no good That’s wrong. Kotara-san?
(His answer being wrong, Akira takes a knife and napkin provided by the co-host, and…)
Akira: Not at all. (Probably meant to mean “My apologies.”)
(Akira slices his right pinky off)
Templeton: (Distraught] OH MY GOD! DO YOU SEE THAT?!
(Nakadai laughs, says something unintelligible)
Nakadai: Sanshira-san!
Sanshira: Kagemusha?
(Buzzer sounds)
Nakadai: No, no good. No good at all. Not good.
(Sanshira complies with game show rules and slices her pinky off as well)
Sanshira: Hya!
Templeton: GOOD LORD! What in the name of all that’s sacred?!
Nakadai: Okay, okay! Rarry-san? (Reaches for written answer)
Templeton: (Pulls answer away, shaking) You know what? I shouldn’t be here.
Nakadai: Rarry-san…
Rarry: Call the concierge!
Nakadai: Rarry-san… Rarry-san!
Templeton: Call the concierge!
Nakadai Rarry! Rarry-san! (Grabs answer and pulls it from Larry)
Templeton: “Docky-docky” something!
(Nakadai reads the answer, looking as if he’s going to break into laughter)
Nakadai: “Godzilla”?
Templeton: I-I didn’t…
Nakadai: Godzilla? Godzilla. You think it’s Godzilla… You’re correct!
(Buzzer sounds; Templeton is correct and has just won Y200,000)
Nakadai: You’re correct! That’s correct. Rarry-san, you’ve certainly won a lot. That’s 20,000 yen!
Templeton: Really? Well, that was great. Thank you very much, I guess!
Nakadai: Let’s move on to [unintelligible]!
(Audience repeats)
Templeton: Two thousand d… yen?! How much is that in dollars?
(Cheering as Larry is led to the Bonus Round, which consists of him being bound in chains and an electrical device attached via jumper cables to his crotch)
Templeton: Hey, excuse me, I won. What the heck are you doing here? Hey, just a second… Just a second here!
(Nakadai laughs as he pulls out a new set of question cards)
Nakadai: [Unintelligible] You know?
Templeton: MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE!
Nakadai: Now for the next question.
Templeton: MARY, CALL THE AMERICAN EMBASSY!
Nakadai: When it comes to children’s nursery songs, who is always sure to be sitting?
(PS: Answer = The child, on the parent’s lap)
Templeton: I DON’T KNOW!
(Nakadai prepares to pull electrical switch)
Templeton: NO, WAIT! Wait, wait, wait! I… I know it, I know it. Um… uh, Kwa… ki… sur-… pi… ni… ku?
Nakadai: What? “Kwakisurpiniku”?
Templeton: (Confident)Yes! Kwakisurpiniku!
Emcee: Judges! What do you say?
(Surly-looking judges shake heads no)
Templeton: (Desperate) Kwakisurpiniku! Kwakisurpiniku!
(Gong sounds)
Nakadai: No, that’s wrong. Too bad. No good. The answer was, “Kwa-ki-sur-pi-PI-ku.”
(Nonsensical)
(Nakadai pulls the switch, shocking Larry)
Templeton: No! AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Nakadai: Well, that’s all we have time for.
(Rest of dialogue is drowned out as Nakadai, Kotara, and the other two contestants dance the show out)

Weekend Update 4/13/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story…tonight:

After a search of nearly 18 years, the man known as the Unabomber has apparently been caught. Theodore Kaczynski is described as a genius with degrees in mathematics from both Harvard and the University of Michigan. Well, now perhaps Americans can focus on our real enemy: fancy book learnin’!

Although only one of his victims was from California, Governor Pete Wilson is pushing to have the Unabomber suspect tried in Los Angeles. Also pushing to have the Unabomber tried in Los Angeles: the Unabomber. [cheers and applause]

It now appears that the 50 million-dollar lawsuit against subway gunman Bernie Goetz, brought by one of the men he shot, will be heard by an all-minority jury. Attorney for Goetz, Darnay Hoffman, says he has advised his client to carry himself humbly in court, make friendly eye contact with the all-minority jury, and start scraping together 50 million dollars.

Last week on “Larry King Live,” Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that Hollywood is, quote, “run by Jews.”…In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April. [cheers and applause]

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But as Esquire magazine recently pointed out to her, Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the First Lady does have a good explanation for the discrepancy: she loves to lie. [cheers and applause]

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage. [some applause]

Last week, a jailbreak at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.

In the new movie Mrs. Winterbourne, talk show host Ricki Lake plays the part of a young mother-to-be. According to the film producers, Miss Lake was so serious about achieving a realistic pregnant look. She forced herself to lose 30 pounds. [some cheers and applause]

As we enter an age where government is doing less and less, private charities will have to step up and fill the gap. Here with a commentary is the senior writer on “Saturday Night Live,” and a good friend of mine, Fred Wolf! Fred!

[pan over to Fred]

Fred Wolf: Thank you. Thank you….Thank you. Thank you, Norm. Well, living here in New York City, I’m often given the opportunity to help those that are less fortunate. The guys who want to wash my windshield for money, or the guys who simply want money for not smashing my windshield. When dealing with these people in person, I can often fight the temptation to dig deep and give. But God, the stuff you get in the mail asking for money is crazy. It’s getting so sophisticated, you – you can’t turn them down. So I send them money, and once you mail money to one, they all start asking. What a lot of these charities do is they strategically laser print your name throughout the letter to maximize the guilt factor. I got one from the American Lung Association, and the first para – paragraph actually read, “If you could stop someone from dying a slow, painful death, would you, Fred Wolf?” How much farther can they go with that tactic? You get a letter that says, “You don’t want little Bobby to die, do you?” They’ve got a picture of “little Bobby” in a wheelchair with his arms spread, and the caption reads, “Help me, Fred Wolf! Help me!”

But this American Lung letter was a typical one. My name was all over it, you know, and at the end, it says, “So please help us find a cure for this deadly disease by sending in your contribution for two dollars.” They asked for exactly two dollars. Which made me think, “Could it be possible that they’re actually that close to a cure?”…And if so, what are they telling patients in the hospital? “Well, Mr. Henderson, we’d love to be able to tell you that we have a cure for your disease and that you’ll live a long, full life, but we’re two bucks short….We’ve written Fred Wolf….Right now, it’s just a waiting game, buddy.”

So here’s a tip: sometimes I’m sitting around, thinking about all the world’s problems — the crime, misery, disease, racism — and I think, “Man, I should really get out there and do something about it,” but then I get really sleepy, I take a nap, and I’m okay. So, back to you, Norm.

Norm: Hey, Fred Wolf, everybody! Fred Wolf!

In, uh, Montel Williams’ new book, Mountain, Get Out of My Way, the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a bestseller, outdoing even his first book: Hair, Get Off of My Head. [some cheers and applause]

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. So the arrest really shouldn’t come as a big surprise; his Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katherine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to decrepit. So that…that’s a…it’s a nice…[surprised by lack of negative reaction] that’s nice. What, you don’t like her? You don’t like Katherine Hepburn, for God’s sake?

And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update Lori Loughlin’s College Admissions Scandal | Season 44 Episode 17

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lori Loughlin at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Lori Loughlin appeared in court to face charges that she bribed college officials. It’s amazed how people are so shocked by this story. Rich people have been finding loopholes to get their kids in college forever. For example Lacrosse. [Picture changes to a sports called Lacrosse]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jim Carry and Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Actor Jim Carry got into a twitter feud this week with the granddaughter of Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee because that’s just the kind of thing that happens now and we all have to accept it. News at this point is just a string of unrelated words like Elon Musk releases Harambe rap. Or this actual headline I read today, [Picture changes to a newspaper article] disabled chicken who survived weasel attack learning to walk, thanks to custom wheelchair. Guys, just eat the chicken.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oreo at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Oreo has introduced a new line of cookies inspired by ‘Game of Thrones’. I assume with the slogan Diabetes Is Coming. [Picture changes to a gay flag and a map of Wisconsin] A gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don’t take down their gay pride flag. And it’s truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people that haven’t left Wisconsin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that marijuana resin sold on the streets of Madrid contains a dangerous amount of fecal matter. Begging the question, what’s a good amount? A group of people in England [Picture changes to logo of Star Wars] are organizing a ‘Star Wars’ themed orgy which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in the mask is actually your father.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Charmin logo at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Charmin has introduced a new toilet paper called the Forever Roll which can last someone up to one month. We’ll see about that, said Chipotle.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mountain at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And a woman who lost her son’s grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after grover freed himself from a bolder by cutting off his own arm.

Weekend Update Joe Biden’s Inappropriate Touching | Season 44 Episode 17

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost in their news set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner of the screen.] Four women have come forward claiming that Joe Biden touched them in ways that made them uncomfortable. And yeah, I can see that. He looks like one of the uncles that calls spring sundress time. It’s very disappointing, but older people in general have a problem with boundaries. There’s an old lady in my building who’s 75, and every time I see her she grabs my arm and says something dirty. It’s very uncomfortable. But I just let her because she’s hot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And then on Wednesday, Biden released a video responding to the allegations. And I’m not sure it helped.

[Cut to video clip of Joe Bidden’s response]

Joe Biden: In my career I try to make a human connection. That’s my responsibility I think. I shake hands, I hug people, I grab men by the shoulders and say you can do this.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, so it was supposed to be an apology, not a reenactment. Also the look of the video is just so weird. Why is it shot vertically? It looks like something from a premium adults-only Snapchat. And of course nothing puts women at ease like a man on a leather couch who has already taken off his tie. You must as well end the video by him unbuttoning his shirt and saying, to find out what happens next log on to godaddy.com. Then a pro-Trump group said Biden’s behavior is unacceptable and should instantly disqualify him from running. The group’s name is Independent Republicans of New York, or I.R.O.N.Y.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mueller report at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The house judiciary committee voted to subpoena the full un-redacted Mueller report from the white house. Man, I really wish I knew about redacting when I was in school. I probably would have graduated. I did my report, it’s just redacted right now. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] If Donald Trump stole the presidency, why don’t we just steal it back? If I was running for president, [Picture changes to Michael Che’s election poster] I would be in Putin’s DM’s right now negotiating. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Why is everybody trying to play fair with this guy? Even the FBI. Oh, you didn’t find anything? Then plant it! You’re the FBI. Just turn off the body cam and put some crack in his shoes, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s wall visit at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday President Trump visited replacement fencing at the US-Mexico border and he described it like this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald Trump: If you want to climb that, you deserve whatever you can get. But it’s a very, very hard—it’s call anti-climb.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, somehow I don’t think it’s called anti-climb. Trump’s like, “Well, we started with a wall that was climb. [Picture changes to a picture of wall climbing with handles and bumps for holding and stepping on it] But then we took away the handy holds and the footy woots [The handles and bumps in the picture are now gone] and now it’s anti-climb.” Then Trump went on to say this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald Trump: So it’s a great wall and it looks—I think it looks fantastic. Very see-through so you’re able to see the other side, which is a very important element. Okay?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I love that sassy “Okay”, that’s great. Trump’s describing the wall like he’s a hung-over tour guide, just trying to get through it. Well, okay, yes. We got the statue of liberty, [Picture changes to statue of liberty] she’s big, she’s green, she’s holding a light which I call anti-dark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and avocados at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It was reported if Trump closes the border with Mexico, the US would run out of avocados in three weeks. Man, this guy must really hate white women. Why else would he wage a war on brunch? I can’t wait to see the millions- woman march.

Weekend Update Film Critic Terry Fink’s Spring Movie Review | Season 44 Episode 17

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: It’s time for spring movies. Here to give us his picks for the season is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink joins Colin Jost]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost. A pleasure.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Terry. Now, I hear you watched every single film coming out this spring.

Terry Fink: That’s right. And I couldn’t have done it without a little trend called Macro Dosing.

Colin Jost: Sorry, did you say macro dosing?

Terry Fink: Yes. First up, superhero smash, Captain marvel. [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of Captain Marvel at left top corner of the screen] No surprise here, this film is a marvel of cinema. however I can’t say I love the climax of the film in which Captain Marvel turns into a bat and has sex with my high school gym teacher. But it’s still the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, Terry, I don’t remember that scene you described. Did you say macro dosing? Because I think you meant micro dosing. Right?Like hallucinogenics.

Terry Fink: Ain’t nothing micro about these doses. LSD helps me see all these wonderful films. Now, let’s talk [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of Dumbo at left top corner of the screen] ‘Dumbo’. With big ears and an even bigger heart, Dumbo is a terrifying journey through hell. Amostly grabled mess of colors and shapes. This bizarre remake of Bryan Cranston’s “Trumbo”, never quite finds it’s footing. But, just like an elephant, you’ll never forget it’s touching Jihadi message. I couldn’t stop crying or laughing or swearing or biting the fellow next to me. I give it three screaming hot dogs and one Dr. Robotic. Marcus?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m Colin. How much LSD are you taking?

Terry Fink: Please. Who are you? The cop I slapped? Now, pass out the cigars, papa, because A Star Is Born.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that came out months ago.

Terry Fink: Oh, Colin, you still believe in time? [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of A Star Is Born at left top corner of the screen] There’s nothing shallow about Bradley Cooper’s performance as a pockmarked speed freak trying to smooch me in a Penn station stairwell. Mmwa! No thanks, Dante. Sadly, I was not as impressed by Lady Gaga who frankly pissed me off as that times square Elmo tried to pull my pants down. And 14 days without sleep, the film is a tad long but I give it two ketchup packets and 36 missed calls from my wife. Jesus?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Terry, I think you should get some help man.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. Swish. Fun fact, when you talk, I see Japanese subtitles. That’s why I give you fingernail clipping and one slender man wearing a Zoot suit.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much, Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m fine!