Category: 2014

Assembly Line

Mr. Rudoman… Martin Freeman

Gordon… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of Heinz factory.]

Mr. Rudoman: Okay, Gordon. [Cut to inside the ketchup factory] This is your station.

Gordon: Oh, great. Thank you so much, Mr. Rudoman for this opportunity. It’s just so hard to find good work these days.

Mr. Rudoman: Oh, it’s quite simple actually. You ever worked on assembly line?

Gordon: Never.

Mr. Rudoman: Not a problem. Couldn’t be easier. Now, this is the master control for the assembly line that puts the labels on the ketchup bottles. You just watch the light. When it turns green, you pull this lever- this lever, and that starts the assembly line. And the only time you have to do anything else is if the light turns yellow, which means there is a safety issue. Then you push the lever back up. Hopefully that never happens. Then at the end of the day, you just push up the lever and shut down the assembly line. You got it?

Gordon: Uh-huh.

Mr. Rudoman: You have any questions, come find me.

Gordon: Okay. So, I build it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Right. You– wait, no, what?

Gordon: I’m sorry. I assemble it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] No, gordon.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: This controls the assembly line. You just start and stop.

Gordon: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so nervous. I love ketchup. Okay, so I move it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Move?

Gordon: Or spin it?

Mr. Rudoman: Spin what?

Gordon: The line.

Mr. Rudoman: No. No, the assembly line moves itself. This is the lever to start and stop it. Green, you pull it. Yellow, push it.

Gordon: Blue?

Mr. Rudoman: here’s no blue.
Gordon: Good to know.

Mr. Rudoman: Here, watch. When this little light turns green, I pull like this. Then I leave it alone, unless the light turns yellow, then I push it like this.

Gordon: So, never actually touch it.

Mr. Rudoman: No, I’m miming because if I actually move it–

Gordon: It turns yellow.

Mr. Rudoman: No! The assembly line starts.

Gordon: Which I move by hand.

Mr. Rudoman: Wrong. How are you not getting this?

Gordon: I’m as baffled as you are.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. I need you to listen very carefully.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: When this light turns green…

Gordon: Light turns green.

Mr. Rudoman: Pull the lever down.

Gordon: Pull the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: And leave the lever alone.

Gordon: Don’t touch it again.

Mr. Rudoman: Unless…

Gordon: There’s more.

Mr. Rudoman: The same light turns yellow.

Gordon: Oh, it’s the same light.

Mr. Rudoman: That means something’s wrong.

Gordon: Oh, dear!

Mr. Rudoman: Then, push the lever back up.

Gordon: Now, we push the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: But only if the light turns yellow.

Gordon: Or blue.

Mr. Rudoman: There is no blue. Only yellow. If it never turns yellow, we…

Gordon: Never touch the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: Correct.

Gordon: Question.

Mr. Rudoman: Sure.

Gordon: What’s a lever?

Mr. Rudoman: Seriously?

Gordon: I take my work very seriously.

Mr. Rudoman: See this? That’s the lever.

Gordon: Oh, the stick?

Mr. Rudoman: Uh-huh.

Gordon: Oh! Is that what you’re talking about the whole time?

Mr. Rudoman: Yes!

Gordon: Ah! It’s so easy. Okay, so, green light comes on, pull the lever, leave it unless a different light–

Mr. Rudoman: No, same light.

Gordon: Same light… turns blue…

Mr. Rudoman: [yelling] Yellow!

Gordon: Yellow. Push it up. And then at the end of the day, stop it. That’s it.

Mr. Rudoman: Yep. All clear?

Gordon: Perfectly. I’m so sorry.

Mr. Rudoman: It’s very simple.

Gordon: I see that now.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. Goodbye.

[Mr. Rudoman leaves]

Gordon: Okay. So, wait for it. [Gordon is waiting for the light] Wait for it. Wait for it.

[the light turns green]

Green light. Pull the lever. [Gordon pulls the lever.] It starts. Okay. Just leave it. That’s so simple. Oh, the ketchup. It’s not that hard.

[the light turns blue]

Blue light?

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on 420Singles.com

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: With more and more states legalizing marijuana, many businesses have begun to cater to users of the drug, including dating websites such as 4Leslie Jones0singles.com. Here to comment is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! How are you doing, Colin? Great to be here.

Colin Jost: Great to have you back, Leslie. So, what do you think about this dating website for people who smoke weed?

Leslie Jones: Man, I think it’s great! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz you gotta be high to go on a date with a stranger. You know what I’m saying? Have you seen “Criminal Minds?” But you gotta be careful because some of those people on those sites do a lot of other drugs other than weed. You know what I’m saying? Like, crazy white folks drugs. Like, mushrooms. I went out with one of them dudes on that site and he wanted me to try mushrooms. Ay, you know me, Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones] You know, I try anything. You know what I’m saying? At least one time. You know? Like, dating sites, white dudes, you know what I’m saying? Might as well add mushrooms to the list. I’m trying it all coz I’m open, you know what I’m saying? Open.

Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone doubts that.

Leslie Jones: Well, however open you thought I was, triple it. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But what I found out people, what I found out is that black people, they don’t need to do mushrooms. It’s not for us. We’ve been through too damn much. You know what I’m saying? We’ve been through too much stuff that we have locked behind doors in our minds that the mushrooms have keys to. Man, when I took the mushrooms, I talked to Harriet Tubman for two hours. And I ain’t even asking none of the good questions. I was like, “Um, so for this underground railroad, Harriet, can I use my metro card? How many stops to freedom, Harriet? I don’t want to be on this train all night.” And then I tried to explain to her HBO and Showtime are not friends. Why do they keep putting them in the same package? They don’t even like each other.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones looks at Colin Jost and Colin Jost keeps his mouth zipped.]

Then she looked at me and she said, “Bitch, I don’t know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I don’t have cable. I am from the 1800s.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones is asking Colin Jost.]

Have you ever been called a bitch? By Harriet Tubman, Jost?

Colin Jost: Definitely not.

Leslie Jones: I know you ain’t, you refreshing peppermint paddy. Let me be your chocolate on your paddy.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

So, I’m sticking to weed, you know what I’m saying? Because talking to Harriet Tubman is not a good date. You wanna date with me, bring me flower. And when I say flowers, I mean weed. Because I smoke my flowers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Weekend Update Kim Kardashian

Colin Jost

Kim Kardashian… Nicki Minaj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, Kim Kardashian attended a launch party at Art Basel in Miami or the issue of Paper magazine featuring her now famous nude photos. Here to comment on those photos is Kim Kardashian.

[Kim Kardashian slides in]

Kim Kardashian: Hi. Hi you guys, it’s me Kim.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Kim. Now, I have to ask, what was the idea behind these nude photos.

Kim Kardashian: Well Colin, the entire thing was completely misinterpreted. Like, look at this photo. [Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian’s nude photo but the face is of Nicki Minaj.]

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. Yes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: Do you notice anything?

Colin Jost: I definitely notice something, yes.

Kim Kardashian: There’s no background to the photo. [Cut to Kim Kardashian] They forgot to put the backgrounds in so the photos are completely out of context. Here’s the same photo with the proper background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is in a hospital where the doctor is looking at her vagina with a torch.]

[Cut to Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: See? It was actually a public service announcement about getting regular check-ups from your gynecologist. Or, this photo with the champagne.

[Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian opening a champagne.]

Now, let’s see it with the right background.

[The picture changes to her teaching in class in front of the classroom board.]

[Cut to Kim Kardashian]

See? It was actually a part of a math competition for a high school seniors.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s nice.

Kim Kardashian: And spoiler alert, x equals full frontal.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: I guess learning can be fun.

Kim Kardashian: How about this one?

[Cut to a nude photo of Kim Kardashain from the back.]

Notice how my rear end is all oily.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah, I did notice that as well.

Kim Kardashian: Well, look at the background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is on a beach. There is a bird on her butt.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

See, it’s a warning about the Keystone pipeline.

Colin Jost: Well, you know, you have some real vision, Kim. You know?

Kim Kardashian: And finally, take a look at this one.

[Cut to nude picture of Kim Kardashian from the front.]

Colin Jost: Okay, now what was that supposed to be?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: It was gonna be my Hanukkah card for my Jewish friends.

[Cut to a candle 9 candle holder. But instead of candles, there are pictures of Kim Kardashain from previous photo. And there are lights on her heads.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Kim Kardashian, everyone!

Kim Kardashian: Bye!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Anthony Crispino

Michael Che

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of news in the news this week. But here to tell us the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony Crispino slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Crispino: Hey. Oh! How you dong, there Mikey. Hey, congrats on the new gig, man. Very nice.

Michael Che: Ah, thanks man.

Anthony Crispino: Ay, come on, man! Be humble. People are watching. What are you doing? Come on.

[Anthony Crispino is looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Alright. Anthony, so– Anthony, so what’s in the news this week?

Anthony Crispino: Uh, you heard about this thing? You know, it’s Christmas time. They had a tree lighting hosted by the Rock and old Yellow. Yeap!

Michael Che: No, it was at Rockefeller Center.

Anthony Crispino: Um, I’m pretty sure it was it was the Rock and old Yellow who hosted it. You know? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] It was a huge event. You know? There was a big musical performance by Drew Carrey.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, it was Mariah Carey.

Anthony Crispino: Um, sounded more like Drew Carrey. You know? Coz, he messed up and forgot who’s line it was anyway. So…

[Anthony Crispino is still looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Okay. And where did you hear that?

Anthony Crispino: Where did I hear that? I heard it from the owner of my local tanning saloon, Lawrence Fleshburn. Yeap, that’s the guy who told me.

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. But Lawrence Fleshburn was mistaken.

Anthony Crispino: Okay. Alright. Lawrence Fleshburn, whole different guy. Not a good guy but, um–

Michael Che: But, I don’t think either one of them said it.

Anthony Crispino: No, not either one of them. But, you hear about this thing? The space prostitutes?

Michael Che: What?
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Star-whores. They lock themselves n a trailer and they said they won’t come out for a year. Yeah!

Michael Che: It was a Star Wars trailer. The movie comes out in a year.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: I agree to disagree, huh. You know, but, um.. you heard about this guy from the Jefferson Shermon Holmsley? Yeah, People magazine voted him the sexiest man yet alive. Yeap. [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] He’s moving on up that guy.

Michael Che: Chris Hemsworth was voted sexiest man alive. Anthony, where did you hear any of that?

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: Um, from my elderly salsa dealer, old Mel Paso.  [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] That’s who told me.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, I think he was misinformed.

Anthony Crispino: Okay, alright.

Michael Che: Anything else, Anthony?

Anthony Crispino: Um, well, I’m afraid. You know, I got some upsetting news for the fans of a very beloved fatherly figure. Bing Crosby.

Michael Che: Oh no.

Anthony Crispino: Yeah. I know. It turns out he’s a rap artist or rap-ist as the kids say today.

Michael Che: No.

Anthony Crispino: No. Turns out he’s been rapping for years.

Michael Che: No, no, no, no.

Anthony Crispino: No? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] That’s what Bing Crosby did when they asked him about him. He just shook his head no.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

Anthony Crispino: Hey, hey, Bing Crosby would. So…

[Anthony Crispino is looking away]

Michael Che: Anthony. It’s Bill Cosby.

Anthony Crispino: Um, pretty sure it’s Bing Crosby, though there Mike.

Michael Che: But it’s not.

Anthony Crispino: Ummmm, I’m pretty sure.

Michael Che: No!

Anthony Crispino: Ummmmmmmm, pretty sure!

Michael Che: No!

[Cut to Anthony Crispino. Anthony Crispino makes some kind of noise, then coughs.]

Anthony Crispino: Excuse me. I swallowed a chipmunk on my way here this morning.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Anthony Crispino, everyone!

Anthony Crispino: Hey, keep doing the good stuff.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: US health officials have released new federal guidelines on circumcision. The guidelines are titled, “Tips for tips.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pizza Hut logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pizza Hut is trying out a new tablet based menu that relies purely on customer’s eye movements to create their perfect pizza. Finally, a way around the rigorous work of pointing.

[Picture changes to Black Peter and Saint Nicholas.]

A debate has renewed in Netherlands this week over the country’s Christmas tradition of Black Peter, who is a Black faced assistant to white Saint Nicholas. I don’t know how the debate turned out, because once I Googled the word ‘Black Peter’, work took away my internet.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a man playing golf and a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was your second time though. While playing in a tournament in South Africa, pro golfer Luke Donald was chased off the course by a charging Baboon. Nice try golf, but you’re still boring.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of marijuana leaf at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers are developing a new breathalyzer that can detect if a person has recently smoked marijuana. They’re calling it, ‘a nose’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Attorney Gloria Allred has challenged Bill Cosby the ways the statute of limitations and meet his accuses in court. Cosby has agreed, but only if the court is a Grand Jury in Staten Island.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The day of the week with the most work place murders is Monday. This according to a really dark snapple cap.

[Picture changes to Amazon package.]

Amazon this week launched a line of diapers that they say offer parents a new level of transparency about the material used to make them. Because if there’s one thing that people want in a diaper, it’s transparency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop that has ‘Girl Scouts’ in it’s screen.]

Michael Che: The Girl Scouts have announced that for the first time their cookies will be available for sale on the internet. The way it works is you contact the Girl Scout on the internet and then cookies are waiting for you in prison.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flat, Police Department of New York badge and jury chairs at left top corner.]

A Staten Island Grand Jury on Wednesday decided not to indict a New York city police officer in the death of Eric Garner. Because I guess even the jury didn’t wanna see him like they were resisting police.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man! Give them a break, Colin. It was a tough call. It’s not like there was video of it.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, actually there was.

Michael Che: Oh, but I mean it was inadmissible in court.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. The jury saw it.

Michael Che: They saw the video but it was like blurry and far away.

Colin Jost: Actually it was pretty clear and close up.

Michael Che: Oh, so the cop didn’t really choke that guy?

Colin Jost: Oh, no, he definitely did.

Michael Che: Well, I mean its sad but Garner shouldn’t have killed all those people, if, you know–

Colin Jost: Well, actually he was just selling lose cigarettes.

Michael Che: Oh, for real?

Colin Jost: Che, you honestly not know any of this?

Michael Che: No, I knew it, I’m just surprised every damn time I hear it. It never gets easier.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of jury chairs at right top corner.]

Both Grand Juries failed to indict those cops? You know, it used to be, “You said you were racist to get out of jury duty.” Now, being racist seems like a requirement. I mean, these decisions were so bad that I might actually stop avoiding jury duty. And usually, I can’t serve because of my children. They’re both very sick and very made up. But now, I can’t wait to go. I might just show up at court and see if they take walk-ins. Better juries are our only hope. It’s either that or we can play these videos and and photo negative so that the cops are black and the victims are white. And then, maybe somebody will go to jail.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island map on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Look, here’s the thing, okay? I’m from Staten Island, okay? Staten Island is a great place to live. It is a terrible place to hold a Grand Jury involving race and cops. Staten Island was like 80% white and like, 95% cops. The other 5% is split between firefighters and members of the Wu Tang Clan. That’s why nothing about this Grand Jury seemed fair. It’s like when they move the Rodney King trial to the whitest suburb of LA, or for people under 30, [Picture changes to a scene in Game of Thrones.] it’s like Peter Dinklage was on trial in Game of Thrones and his dad was the judge. So, please, everyone sake, please, keep the cop trials out of Staten Island. We’re not ready for these complicated modern issues yet. We still arrive in Manhattan everyday huddled in a boat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of power cut in Detroit.]

Michael Che: In other news, a major power outage struck Detroit this week leaving roughly 100 buildings without power. The problem will be fixed once someone in Detroit notices the difference.

[Picture changes to Oprah Winfrey.]

According to a recently released report, authorities in Michael Che009 stopped a terrorist plot to bomb Oprah Winfrey Studios. Which explains why Oprah was always saying, “Everybody look under your seats.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Monica Bellucci.]

Colin Jost: It was announced this week that the next James Bond movie will feature actress Monica Bellucci, who at 50 will be the oldest Bond girl ever. Said Bellucci, “Please stop describing me that way.”

Star Wars The Force Awakens Teaser

Han Solo… Taran Killam

Finn… Jay Pharoan

Princess Leia… Bobby Moynihan

Luke Skywalker… James Franco

Lando… Kenan Thompson

Tendra … Leslie Jones

[Starts with men flying future jets. It’s a Star Wars trailer.]

Male voice: There is an alliance of heroes. The new and the old.

[They have future weapons and space ships.]

[Cut to the space ship war scene]

[Cut to Han Solo]

Han Solo: I’m Han Solo. Captain of the Millennium Falcon.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: I need to find Luke Skywalker.

Han Solo: What?

Finn: I need to find Luke Skywalker.

[Cut to Han Solo]

Han Solo: Alright. Wait. What?

Finn: Can you help me find Luke Skywalker?

Han Solo: Hold on! I’ll take the early bird special.

[Cut to Princess Leia with RFinnDFinn]

Princess Leia: Let’s see what we got here. I’m done with the menu. I don’t want the menu. I want to record– Hey, Han! How do you work this freaking thing?

[Cut to Luke Skywalker in a cave of the dessert]

Male voice: Luke! Luke

Luke Skywalker: I see there’s Devin’s in the forest. I must go.

[Luke Skywalker turns his equipment on. It becomes support walker of lasers.]

[Cut to Han Solo in a space ship]

Han Solo: Joey!

Joey: I thought you’ll fix it.

Han Solo: Take your damn glider off!

[Cut to Lando looking outside from home.]

Tendra: Lando! Did you fix the dishwasher yet?

[Cut to Lando and Tendra]

Lando: Baby, please.

[Cut to Tendra]

Tendra: Get your ass in here and fix it.

[Cut to Lando and Tendra]

Lando: But I got on my cape. I shouldn’t have to do no dam chores.

Tendra: What?

Lando: Nothing.

Tendra: Damn what?

[Cut to Han Solo and Princess Leia walking in a corridor. BB-8 passes by.]

Han Solo: Hold on, hold on!

[Han Solo lets BB-8 cross.]

Han Solo: What the [bleep] was that?

[Cut to Luke Skywalker. He’s levitating the medicines and puts them to the weekly scheduled container.]

Luke Skywalker: I have a thyroid issue like my father before me.

[Cut to a ship flying on desert.]

[Cut to Star Wars: The Force Awakens video bumper.]

Recall the Kid MayorRecall the Kid Mayor

Tommy Trombley

Tad Rankin… James Franco

[Starts with a caution]

Male voice: The following is a paid political advertisement.

[Cut to the advertisement.]

Female voice: Last month, our quite little town of Aldrich, Minnesota did something special at the polls. We elected four year old Tommy Trombley as our mayor.

[Cut to Tommy Trombley in a suit]

Tommy Trombley: I’m the mayor. And what I say goes.

Female voice: The whole country smiled at America’s youngest and most adorable mayor. What a cute idea. Or is it?

[Cut to the previous clip of Tommy Trombley in slow motion and heavy voice]

Tommy Trombley: I’m the mayor. And what I say goes.

[Cut to Tad Rankin]

Tad Rankin: Hi, I’m Tad Rankin, the guy Tommy beat for mayor. This is a joke. Tommy is a little kid. I’m a full grown man. We need to recall him. This town needs a mayor who doesn’t get ear infections. And unlike Tommy, I actually have big muscle. I don’t just say it. I called Tommy for comments at 7 pm, his grandpa said he was fast asleep. I stay up all night watching adult movies. Tommy likes Frozen, even though he’s a boy. I watched it and hated it and only thought the parts with Olaf were funny. And Tommy likes Elsa. I thought Elsa was a bitch. Why won’t you play with your sister, you bitch? And Tommy thinks he’s so tough.

[Cut to a video clip of Tommy in suit]

Tommy: Watch how hard I can punch.

[Tommy Trombley starts punching in the air.]

[Cut to Tad Rankin]

Tad Rankin: Watch how hard I can punch! [Tad Rankin punches in the air too] Uh! Oh, in news flash, I talked to the janitor of Tommy’s school. He said Tommy crapped his pants last week! I haven’t crapped my pants all year. And when I did it, I didn’t cry and tell my teacher. I just left work without talking to anybody and threw my pants into the woods.

Every February, Tommy visits his aunt in West Palm beach. Ooh-la-la. I’ve never left this town. [mocking Tommy] Coz I’m too scared. I’ve run a business in this town for 20 years. I met, shook hands with President Obama.

All the while, Tommy was just a glimmer in his father’s huge ball sack. I know Tommy’s dad. We played squashed together. He took a hard dive and his balls came spilling out of his shorts. They were huge and red. And Tommy was still inside of them. Can’t get it out of my head!

So, this Christmas season, do the right thing. Fire a four year old. He’s a little dickhead. He’s not cute. I am cute, look. [Tad Rankin smiles at the camera.]

Bye!

[Cut to Tad Rankin’s photo in front of American flag]

Tad Rankin narrating: I’m Tad Rankin and I paid all my money to make this ad.

Politics Nation Cold Open

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

Lawrence Tatum… Jay Pharoah

Peter Dinello… Bobby Mounihan

[Starts with Politics Nation intro]

[Cut to Al Sharpton in his set]

Al Sharpton: Okay, welcome to Politics Nation.

[cheers and applause]

Now, what happened in Ferguson has come to New York. This Arizona decision has upset me so much that in three days I have gained over 100 pounds. The world agrees. The Grand Jury’s decision was dubwa. Excuse me, dubious. Now, all over the country there are protests. And or the first time in my life, everyone agrees with me. Folks are high-fiving with me, invited me places, this must be what it feels like to be Beyonce. What the hell is going on? Last night I was sitting in front of my TV and I found myself saying, “You damn right Bill O’Reilly. I’m all messed up.”

Either way, it’s clear. The Grand Juries in both New York and Slosis– Excuse me, Saint Louis, have a lot to answer for. Joining me to make sense of it all is Lawrence Tatum, [Cut to Lawrence Tatum]  a civil rights lawyer who specializes in criminal justice.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Lawrence Tatum]

Lawrence Tatum: Thanks for having me. Now, when a Grand Jury–

Al Sharpton: [interrupting] I mean this is just crazy.

Lawrence Tatum: Yeah, it is.

Al Sharpton: I mean, what does a man have to do to be put on trial?

Lawrence Tatum: I know, but the issue is–

Al Sharpton: [interrupting] How are you gonna get the whole thing on video, then turn around and say that there’s no crime here?

Lawrence Tatum: I have no idea. And I think that–

Al Sharpton: [interrupting] This is not how I would have done it. This is a ‘He did it.’

Lawrence Tatum: You’re right. You’re more than right.

Al Sharpton: Well, thank you, Lawrence Tatum for clearing this up for us. I really appreciate your time and insight.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

But not everyone agrees that our country has a twatted– excuse me, two-tiered justice system. Joining me now is Peter Dinello, a deputy spokesman for the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association on Staten Island.

[Cut to Peter Dinello]

Thank you for being here.

Peter Dinello: Thanks for bringing me on.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Ay! I got my hands up already.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Peter Dinello]

Peter Dinello: That’s very funny but I am not a police officer. I merely speak for the brotherhood of the police. And when I say brotherhood, I mean that 75% of police on Staten Island are brothers. The rest are just cousins.

Al Sharpton: Mr. Dinello, most people agree that the Grand Jury got it wrong in the Staten Island case.

Peter Dinello: Not so fast Al. [Cut to Peter Dinello] You see, this is very complicated. I mean, on one side, you have a video seen by millions that seems to clearly show police negligence. But on the other side, [laughing] I mean, yeah!

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: But whatever it is do these Juries need, I mean they got the whole thing on video.

[Cut to Lawrence Tatum]

Peter Dinello: But not in HD. Under New York law, if you’re gonna record a police in infraction on video, it must be at least 1080p resolution. And you must hold the camera horizontically, not vertically. It’s just more cinematic that way.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Peter Dinello]

Al Sharpton: Bull-dutied Mr. Dinello, I’m gonna ask you a simple question, what does it take for a police officer to be indicted for a homicide?

Peter Dinello: Well, you know, it does happen Al, but there are very clear rules on this. [Cut to Peter Dinello. He is reading from a paper] Okay, let’s see. Um, the victim must not be resisting arrest. It’s best if he’s sleeping. And, it helped if he’s white.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Peter Dinello]

Al Sharpton: I knew it. I knew it. Well, thank you for being here Mr. Dinello.

Peter Dinello: Thank you, Al. And good luck to you and all your protest friends going out there and stopping traffic in the city. Seems like the best way to get people on your side.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Ay! It’s our pleasure. And now, I thought we take a moment to heal. This week a photo was taken that has touched so many people.

[Cut to a photo of a policeman hugging an old lady]

It shows a Portman Police Sargent Brett Barnum hugging a young Farrell Williams. [Cut to Al Sharpton] And I thought, we need more this kind of out reach here in America, which is why I went to the streets in New York to hug a police officer myself. And I got this picture.

[Cut to Al Sharpton hugging a police officer in New York. The police is annoyed.]

Look at him. He’s so happy. [Cut to Al Sharpton] So, it is up to all of us to move this thing forward. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!