Peter Pan Live

Michael…Kyle Mooney

Windy… Kate McKinnon

Peter Pan… Cecily Strong

John… Beck Bennett

Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant

Captain Hook… James Franco

[Starts with Peter Pan intro]

Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.

[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]

Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.

Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?

[Cut to everybody.]

Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan!

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy!

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.

[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]

Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.

[Cut to the fairy]

Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.

[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.] [Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.

[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]

Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.

[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]

Hit it boys.

[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]

Crew: Are you a scary pirate?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: And when we do all the singing

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.

Captain Hook: Yes!

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.

[music playing.] [singing] I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know, if you know what I mean

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.

[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.] [Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]

Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life!

[They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: Talkabell, you’re weird.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.

[The bat walks in]

Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?

Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all!

[The End]

Nicki Minaj’s Booty

Jeremy… Pete Davidson

Brain… James Franco

Mrs. Menzeneli… Cecily Strong

Song, Billy Zane… Taran Killam

Rhombus… Aidy Bryant

Dance… Kyle Mooney

Fresh Prince… Jay Pharoah

Nicki Minaj

Judge Lance Ito… Bobby Moynihan

Ashley Parker Angel… Beck Bennett

Home Alone… Kate McKinnon

Jurassic Park… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Jeremy on laptop]

Jeremy: Ah! What? I have to create a new password? I don’t want to do that. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to remember another new password! My brain is too full. My brain is too full. My brain is too full.

[Cut to Brain’s brain]

Brain: Alright. Alright, alright! All the information and memories in Jeremy’s brain, gather around. We need to make more room in here for some new stuff which means it time for a lot of you non-essentials to go. First up is, Jeremy second grade teacher Mrs. Menzeneli here.

[Mrs. Menzeneli walks in]

Mrs. Menzeneli: Yes, can I help you young man?

Brain: Ah! Yeah, I’m sorry Mrs. Menzeneli, but Jeremy does not need to remember your name anymore.

Mrs. Menzeneli: What? But I’ve been here for 20 years.

Brain: Only because one time you fell down hard in class that really affected him. But now it’s time to move on out. Okay? Bye-bye, Mrs. Menzeneli. Thanks.

[Mrs. Menzeneli walks away and falls down]

Brain: Okay. Next up, are all the words to Savage garden’s I want you still in here?

[Song slides in]

Song: You tell me. [starts singing the song ‘I want you’.]

Brain: Alright, a simple yes would have suffice. Time for you to go.

Song: But, [Song starts singing again]

Brain: Wrong! Wrong! You need to chicken cherry check yourself out of this brain.

Song: Huh! He used my lyrics against me!

[Song leaves] [Rhombus walks in]

Rhombus: Um, excuse me brain dude. I would like to volunteer to leave.

Brain: And who are you?

Rhombus: Oh, I’m the word ‘Rhombus’. I have been here since 99, okay? Jeremy doesn’t know what I am or what I look like. He just knows the word. So, I’m gonna get the hell out of here and I’m gonna take the ‘Bye, bye, bye’ dance with me.

[Dance walks in and starts dancing] [‘Bye, bye, bye’ by Nsync is playing]

Brain: Okay, bye, bye, bye. Okay.

[Rhombus and Dance are leaving]

What else can we lose?

[Fresh Prince walks in]

Fresh Prince: [rapping and dancing] What’s Philadelphia born and raised 

On a playground where I spent most of my days

Brain: Oh, yeah! Gotta leave! Go!

Fresh Prince: Oh, man! Come one! Jeremy uses me all the time. I kill the Karaoke. Yeah! Anyway, whatever host, smell you later.

[Fresh Prince leaves]

Brain: Okay, next up we have–

[Nicki Minaj walks in and starts rapping]

Nicki Minaj: Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was gettin’ some coins

Brain: You’re only gonna sing the first two lines?

Nicki Minaj: That’s all Jeremy knows.

Brain: Well, Nicki, I know you’re new here, but you gotta go.

Nicki Minaj: Hey, I mean, I don’t– don’t get mad at me. I don’t know why our boy watched the music video so many times.

[Nicki Minaj turns around and walks away]

Brain: Okay, out in the way back?

[Judge Lance Ito walks in]

Judge Lance Ito: Okay, it’s me, Judge Lance Ito.

Brain: From the OJ Simpson trial?

Judge Lance Ito: Yes, yes.

Brain: Okay, Judge Ito, you gotta pack it up and take that dog from that 90s production company with you.

[Cut to a black dog with a frisbee]

Voice: Sit, booboo, sit. Good dog.

[Cut to Brain. Ashley Parker Angel walks in.]

Brain: Okay.

Ashley Parker Angel: What about me? Should I go too?

Brain: Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town? God, this kid remembers the weirdest things. Yes, Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town, you gotta go too.

Ashley Parker Angel: That seems fair.

[singing] Coz all I want is you or nothing at all

Brain: Alright, alright, alright.

[Ashley Parker Angel leaves]

Let’s clear out some old movie quotes. That should open up a ton of space. Home Alone, you first. Out.

[Home Alone walks in]

Home Alone: I brought you girlfriend, wow!

[Home Alone walks out]

Brain: Jurassic Park, you too.

[Jurassic Park walks in]

Jurassic Park: He left us! He left us!

[Jurassic Park leaves]

Brain: Finally, Titanic. Hit the road.

[Billy Zane walks in]

Billy Zane: I always win Jack, one way or another.

Brain: Who remembers a Billy Zane line from Titanic? What a freak!

[Billy Zane leaves]

Alright, I think that’s everything. Jeremy should finally have room in here for that new password.

[Nicki Minaj walks in and starts rapping]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Brain: I thought I told you to leave, Nicki.

Nicki Minaj: I’m really stuck in here.

[Brain and Nicki Minaj start dancing to the song] [rapping] Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was gettin’ some coins

[Cut to Jeremy dancing while watching Nicki Minaj on his laptop.]

MTV’s Jingle Ballerz A Hip Hop Nativity

Katyler Smyth… Pete Davidson

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Eminem… Taran Killam

Riff Raff… James Franco

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Beyoncé… Nicki Minaj

Kanye West… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with MTV’s Jingle Ballerz video bumper.] [Cut to Katyler Smyth in his set]

Katyler Smyth: Welcome back to Jingle Ballerz, MTV’s biggest holiday party of the year. Once again, I’m your host Katyler Smyth from MTV’s upcoming game show, Drunk or High? I know we’ve had a lot of fun tonight jingling them balls, I mean bells, ha-ha-ha. But its time for us to take a moment and remember the reason for the season. For the first time ever, we present MTV’s Hip Hop Nativity. Please, put your hands together for Rihanna.

[Cut to Rihanna. She has wings on her back.] [music playing]

Rihanna: I bring you tidings of great joy

Shine bright like a bright star
Jesus lay in the hay
beautiful like the star
three wise men on their way-ay-ay-ay

Ladies and gentlemen, show some love for three wise men, Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross.

[Cut to Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross walking in]

Eminem: [rapping] I had the sense to bring the king Frank
and since in keeper was too intense
said he had no room to rent
so I cut his throat!

Riff Raff: None stop through desert,
bring god some more.
I try to smokie
it didn’t work

Rick Ross: Bringing in gold
making it rain
but most of all
I bring in champagne

Rick Ross!

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: The three wise men gave their gifts to Baby J. But there wouldn’t be a Baby J without Joseph and his Queen B married. The original team mom, who don’t need no sex to make a child. Ladies and gentlemen, [Cut to everybody. Justin Bieber and Beyonce are also there.] give it up for Justin Bieber and the Virgin Mary, Beyonce.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Justin Bieber and Beyonce]

Justin Bieber: Yo! I’m sorry I had to give birth out here, where all the animals live. I couldn’t afford a hotel room because I’m like, a poor carpenter’s son. I don’t know. You deserve better than this Beyonce.

[Beyonce walks font.]

Beyonce: No, no, no. This moment is not about me. Let everybody have their moment. This moment is about my baby boy. Behold.

[singing] He woke up like this!

Flawless. One day he’ll turn water into wine, and we’ll all be…

[singing] drunk in love.

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: Glory to god and the highest who will…

[singing] rain on it forever. 

Isn’t that right, Jesus?

[cut to Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross] [music playing]

Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Cut to everybody]

Kanye West: [rapping] It’s your boy, Yeez-us
and I’m baby Jesus
and I am a god
and my dad is a god
and I am my dad, isn’t that rare
just coz it’s complicated
that doesn’t mean that is bad
Ya! They call me a freak
coz I wrap the weak
scream my name [mumbling] when I speak
hah!

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: And that’s exactly how it happened. And 300 years later, he still–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [singing] Shines bright like a bright star

Magic Bridge

Aidy Bryant

John… Kyle Mooney

Troll… James Franco

Cathyann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of forest.]

Aidy: I think we’re lost.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Sorry, I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: Well, there’s a light over there on the other side of this bridge. So, let’s just head to that.

John: I said I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: I know, I’m not mad at you./

John: I’m not that guy!

Aidy: Okay, let’s just cross the bridge.

John: Exactly what I was saying.

[As Aidy and John are crossing the bridge. The smoke appears and the voice is speaking.]

Voice: Step left, step left, step right, step right

[Troll appears]

who dares to cross this troll bridge tonight?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god! It’s a troll.

John: Look man, what are you gonna do to us?

[Cut to Troll]

Troll: Well, I’ll let you pass of course, if you pass my test. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Let me handle this. I bet he wants us to answer a riddle.

[Cut to everybody. Cathyann comes out from under the bridge.]

Cathyann: Oh, no. That’s not true. That’s not true. That’s something he used to do.

Troll: Cathyann, I’m pretty sure you promised to stay under the bridge. Let me do my thing.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. It’s another troll.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Are you for real? That’s just the rudest thing you could say. No, I’m not a troll. I’m a woman like you, or me, or Michelle Robama.

Troll: [whispering] Cathyann, you are my BFF. But you can just stay in your lane. [talking in manly voice] Sorry, folks. Back to me. Rawr!

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: If she’s not a troll, why is she here?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: It’s complicated. But, Cathyann had an issue with her landlord. It got messy. And I said, “Why are you even dealing with that stuff, Cathyann?”

Cathyann: Yeah! My landlord lied on me because she is a C-U-N-Thursday! But this troll saved my life. At lease my sanity.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Mr. Troll and Cathyann, can we just please just solve the riddle so we can cross?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Not so fast! Riddles are fun but something’s a miss, to cross my bridge I require a kiss. [laughing] [Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: A what?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: No, guys, he used to do riddles. But with the internet, you just Google the answer. So, it’s no fun.

Troll: I love riddles. Stupid Google. Anyway…

Cathyann: Yeah! So, now, you have to give him a kiss. And I’m not talking about the friend zone kiss. I’m talking like romantic boyfriend girlfriend type of stuff, okay? So, who is first?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Wait, so we have to kiss you to cross the bridge?

John: I’ll kiss you, but you’re not kissing her. She’s my fiance.

Aidy: Why don’t you kiss your friend Cathyann if you wanna kiss somebody so bad.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Oh! No, no, no, no. That duck don’t quack that way! She and I are like brother and sister.

Cathyann: Oh, yeah, coz I can’t even see my real brother no more coz they tried to get the money second [unintelligible], and I told the judge he only had two of red wine and that was it. The judge care nothing on me until the real C-U-N-Tuesday. Oh, but Bill Cosby can walk free, yeah right! Don’t you see problem in that? Hello!

Troll: Okay, okay. Cathyann, you’re getting yourself wormed up. I know, yeah, she starting to [unintelligible], so not worth it.

Cathyann: Okay, do it right coz it’s not about me. That’s about one of you need to kiss my troll.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Hey, I told you, you can have me but not my fiance.

Aidy: John, stop telling everyone I’m your fiance until I say a definite yes.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Ooh! Racky romance. I can definitely relate to that guy coz my boyfriend and I are long distant. He trying to be a rapper but he lives in San Diego until I can get out there and live with him. Oh man, I’m gonna get me a tan.

Troll: No! No! Cathyann, don’t talk about leaving. That makes me so sad.

Cathyann: Well, enjoy me while you can. Am I right, you guys?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Right, right. Let’s just do the stupid kiss.

[Cut to everybody. John and Troll walk on the bridge.]

Troll: The pact is made, the magic begun, just one kiss and we are done.

John: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

[John and Cathyann kiss] [Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Wow! Go John! Go John! Look at him go. You earned that bridge, John.

[Cut to Aidy, John and Troll. John and Troll are still kissing.]

Aidy: John, enough. Enough! And yes, I will marry you my brave boy.

[Cut to John and Troll. John looks at Aidy, turns around and then start kissing Troll again.] [Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Troll, you must be happy now, huh? It’s supposed to be, but I’ll do it, they just walk a different way.

[Cut to John and Troll]

Troll: Well, task is completed. You are having fun. You two are GTG, good to go.

[Cut to everybody. Aidy and John cross the bridge.]

Cathyann: See you later, guys.

[Aidy and John leave]

Troll: Oh! I’m gonna miss that woman I just kissed.

Cathyann: What? You gotta get your eyes checked. That was not no woman. That were a man and a woman and you kissed a man one.

Troll: Oh! It’s official, huh? I’m bisexual.

Cathyann: Oh, come on! Let’s go under that bridge and laugh.

James Franco Monologue

James Franco

Seth Rogan.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, James Franco

[cheers and applause] [James Franco walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

James Franco: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m James Franco. Actor, poet, artist, dude. So, something pretty crazy happened this week. I have this movie called ‘Interview’ coming out with Seth Rogan at Sony, and this week Sony Studios got all their computers hacked. This is true. These hackers have leaked real personal information about everybody that works with Sony. Social security numbers, emails, and I know eventually they’re gonna start leaking out stuff about me. So, before you hear it somewhere else, I thought it’d be better for you to hear it from me. Soon you’ll know that my email is cuterthandavefranco@aol.com. My password is littlejameseycutiepie. And this is all just a real violation of my personal life.

Seth Rogan: Yo, James!

[Seth Rogan walks n] [cheers and applause]

James Franco: Seth?

Seth Rogan: Yes. It’s actually much worse than we thought it was gonna be, man!

James Franco: What?

Seth Rogan: You’re not gonna believe this. But, an hour ago, they released some of our private photos from our phones.

James Franco: What? Oh, my god! What, which photos?

Seth Rogan: All of them.

James Franco: You mean, the one I took of you in your dressing room?

Seth Rogan: Yeah, yeah, yeah! With the control top pantyhose.

[Cut to a picture of James Franco and Seth Rogan. Seth Rogan is wearing a pantyhose.] [Cut to James Franco and Seth Rogan]

I was trying to look a little slimmer.

James Franco: I thought you looked great.

Seth Rogan: Thank you. Thank you, but they also leaked this one of me teaching you how to read.

[Cut to a picture of Seth Rogan showing James Franco a book.] [Cut to James Franco and Seth Rogan]

James Franco: Oh, no!

Seth Rogan: You were making such good progress, man! Look, they also put out that one where we tried to be John and Yoko.

[Cut to a picture of Seth Rogan and James Franco cuddling.] [Cut to James Franco and Seth Rogan]

James Franco: I actually like that one.

Seth Rogan: Well, you are not gonna like this. It’s that picture I took of you while you were sleeping.

[Cut to a picture of James Franco sleeping on a toilet commode while he’s pooping.] [Cut to James Franco and Seth Rogan]

James Franco: What? Why would you take that?

Seth Rogan: I don’t know, man! Worst of all, they leaked our Christmas card.

[Cut to a picture of James Franco and Seth Rogan with Santa Claus. They are naked and are covering their personal parts with red socks.] [Cut to James Franco and Seth Rogan]

James Franco: Well, I mean we should still send that out, right?

Seth Rogan: Absolutely.

James Franco: Okay. Alright.

[Seth Rogan leaves]

We’ve got a great– Oh! Oh! Oh! Also, all the girls who got any Instagram messages from me this year, last year, the hackers did it. It was that hacker!

Alright, we got a great show for you. Nicki Minaj is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Grow-a-Guy

Sasheer Zamata

Clint… Beck Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Trevor… Mike O’Brien

Pete Davidson

Chad… James Franco

[Starts with five friends. They are having camp fire.] [Everyone is laughing]

Sasheer: That wasn’t even the worst. The worst was when he was walking around with toilet with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants all day.

[Cut to everyone laughing] [Clint is looking at Venessa]

Clint: Check out Trevor. So quiet.

Venessa: Clint!

Trevor: I talked like, a minute ago.

Clint: Bro, can I ask? Are we your only friends?

Trevor: What are you talking about?

Venessa: Clint! Don’t!

Clint: No, no. I’m genuinely asking. I’m helping the guy. Do you have any other friends besides us?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Um, I’ve got, um… friend named Chad who goes to another school. You wouldn’t know. It’s funny, it’s crap.

Clint: You should bring him up here next weekend.

Trevor: I will. If you want. If it–

[Cut to Trevor in his room walking here and there.] [Trevor looks at a magazine.]

Trevor: Grow a guy.

[Cut to Trevor unboxing the package.] [Trevor reads the manual and puts in the formula] [Trevor is literally growing a person. First in a can, then in a fish bowl.] [Cut to Trevor smiling]

Trevor: Oh, hello there.

[Cut to Chad in Trevor’s arms looking confused.] [Chad is crying and feeding like a baby.] [Trevor is teaching Chad other stuffs.]

Trevor: Wikipesia. These are tweets. This is all Guardians of the Galaxy. Popular movie.

[Cut to the friends camping again.  Chad is also there.]

Clint: Just stick it in there little bit more.

Venessa: Okay, everybody shut up for a second.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

I’ve got a game. Alright? Just close your eyes. Okay, you’re gonna thank me. [Cut to everybody closing their eyes.] Now, picture Mr. Douis having sex.

Everybody: Ah!

Pete: What do you guys think like, his dating situation is for real?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: Genuinely, I’d rather picture him having sex than on a date.

[Everyone laughs]

Venessa: You’re so right, Trevor.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, Chad. I can see you can drink my beer. Can you talk too?

Venessa: Clint!

Clint: What? I’m genuinely asking.

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I am Groot. That is funny. Guardians!

[Everybody laughing]

I can talk. Hey, what are hashtags?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Say that again?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: No, I get that they’re to flag a socialble term in your tweet but wouldn’t it work just the same if you didn’t put the number symbol there?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I’m seriously asking.

Trevor: Chad, drop it. It’s nothing.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, can I ask you something, bro? Are you a grow a guy? Because I’m not super thrilled by the idea of a grow a guy eating my family’s marshmallows at our nice ass lake house. So, I guess I’m curious. Chad? Are you a grow a guy?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: Yes, I am that.

Clint: Yes, I knew it. I win. No other friends!

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: This sucks. God, you don’t even work. I’m throwing you out.

Chad: Actually, you don’t have to do that. We self-destruct.

Trevor: Like how would you–

[Chad bursts] [Cut to Sasheer and Pete]

Pete: I mean, he kind of did have a point bout the hasntags, right?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Are you a grow a guy too?

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete. Pete smiles and bursts.] [cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Guess, he was a grow a guy.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Yeah! Me too. Peace!

[Clint also bursts] [Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Trevor]

Trevor: I guess it’s just me and the ladies.

[Sasheer and Venessa burst too. Trevor is alone.]

Weekend Update Charles Manson

Colin Jost

Charles Manson… Taran Killam

Star Burton… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Imprisoned cult leader Charles Manson has reportedly found love and will soon be wed to his 26 year old girlfriend. Here to profess their love are Charles Manson and his bride to be, Star Burton.

[Charles Manson and Star Burton slide in]

Star Burton: Thanks for giving us a chance to tell our story, Colin.

Charles Manson: I can see you up there, man! I can see you. Jesus Christ wears a mask but you’re naked little mouse.

Star Burton: Charlie, what did I say?

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Charles Manson: Use your inside voice.

Star Burton: And?

Charles Manson: Don’t try to melt people’s face off with my mind. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so excited, Colin. I mean, I love this woman. I’m over the moon and love and I just want to kill the world about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton[

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Charles Manson: Tell the world. Tell the world about it.

Colin Jost: Star, when did you first realize you had feelings for Mr. Manson?

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: Um, it didn’t take long. That manly beard, his winning smile, the way his empty black eyes dart around like hagfish in a bucket.

Charles Manson: Aw!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Don’t. Don’t. I have to say, Star. A lot of people are disturbed that you could fall in love with such a notorious criminal.

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: Ouf! Notorious criminal? Charlie is a victim. I mean, whoever heard of getting a life sentence for income tax evasion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton] [Charles Manson is silent]

Colin Jost: Wait, did he tell you he was–

Charles Manson: [interrupting making noises] [whispers to Colin Jost] Don’t blow this for me, man!

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: People just don’t understand what we have together. Charlie and I are soulmates. We finish each other’s sentences–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Spider penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Doesn’t seem like you were on a same page there.

Star Burton: Are you kidding? [Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton] He is the ying to my–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Something flash.

Star Burton: We are just– We’re like peanut butter and–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Chaos. Look, Colin. We don’t expect you’d understand. What we’re trying to say is, love is crazy.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

And nobody understands crazy better than me. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Charles Manson kisses Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Charles Manson and Star Burton, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on the G20 Summit

Colin Jost

Angela Markel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: This year’s G-20 summit of world leaders came to an odd conclusion when Vladimir Putin stormed off while German chancellor Angela Markel warned that we maybe returning to a cold war. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Markel.

[Angela Markel slides in]

Angela Markel: Danke, Colin.

Colin Jost: Welcome, welcome.

Angela Markel: Danke. What shakes/

Colin Jost: Nothing much. How was the G-20 summit?

Angela Markel: Oh! G-20. [Cut to Angela Markel] More like, F-U. And Putin, oh! Putin is the worst, and a brat. But not a brat worst. Now, those I like.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: And now, did Putin ruin the summit by storming out?

Angela Markel: Oh! [Cut to Angela Markel] Putin’s exit was but a single lemonish snicket in a series of unfortunate events. It’s like the whole summit was like a disasterous international thanksgiving dinner. Italy brought it’s 20 year old girlfriend. France brought it’s wife and it’s 20 year old girlfriend. Saudi Arabia was being insane but the US ignored it kept being like, “Pass the oil, please.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Whoof!

Colin Jost: I’m really sorry to hear that, Angela.

Angela Markel: Also, [Cut to Colin Jost] I was told at the summit that I have resting bitch face. But that cannot be true. In Germany, we don’t rest. We toil until we collapse.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: And now, did you get to talk to President Obama at all while you were there?

Angela Markel: Oh! My poor Barack. Talk about senioritous. [Cut to Angela Markel] She just smokes cigarettes and stare to the calendar of Angela Markel0Colin Jost7. America has turned their back to him. I’d turn my back to him, but in a fun way.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

I bet his Keystone pipeline is XL.

Colin Jost: Angela!

Angela Markel: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just… it’s summits. They make you want to do crazy things.

Colin Jost: Like what?

[Cut to Angela Markel]

Angela Markel: Like, grow my hand down to my padded shoulders. Trade my nude bras in for cool beige bras. I want to show up at an old boyfriend’s rock show wearing a shirt that shows my stomach hole. That’s what you call a bellybutton. Bellybutton. So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t want none unless you’ve got schnöp son!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: Angela, I gotta say. I think you need to stay away from summits for a while.

Angela Markel: You’re right. You’re right. I might end up putting on red lip paint in German-kissing a stranger.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what’s a German-kiss?

[Cut to Angela Markel]

Angela Markel: That’s when you cover the teeth and make the lips into a firm ‘O’. And you just sort of have like a labelled heeve. Whoo! Whoo!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel] [Colin Jost and Angela Markel try the German-kiss]

Colin Jost: I can’t.

Angela Markel: I can’t.

Colin Jost: Angela Markel, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of tweeter logo and KKK at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the hacking group anonymous broke into the tweeter feed of the Ku Klux Klan. The KKK responded to the breach by changing their password to WhitepowerColin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of bottles of liquors at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new government report concludes that 90% of people who drink excessively are not alcoholics and change their behavior easily. Which is exactly what an alcoholic would say.

[The picture changes to Franklin&bash]

TNT has canceled Franklin&bash after four seasons. So, I guess we’ll never get to find out which one was Rizzoli and which one was Isles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a man and a woman kissing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists say that when people French kiss, they transfer over 80 million bacteria. This according to a recent study conducted on yo mama.

[Picture changes to a yellow bus]

The city Florida has budgeted $25,000 to purchase bus tickets for homeless people who wanna leave town. Said homeless people, “Uh! The bus?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of an old couple at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report lists Madison, Wisconsin as the best city in the country for retirees to live. While the worst city for retirees is [picture changes to a sign board that says “Loud surprise! Arkansas.”] Loud Surprise Arkansas.

[The picture changes to a steak and Walmart logo.]

A family in Florida was sickened recently after buying steaks from Walmart that were allegedly laced with LSD. They described them as the best tasting steaks their ears had ever seen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Lungwood Garden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The rest room at a Pennsylvania’s Longwood Gardens which is built into a wall of plants has been named America’s best restroom. It was also named America’s most disgusting garden.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: This is Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s is a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

President Obama on Thursday announced that he was bypassing congress and issuing executive actions that will prevent the deportation of nearly 5 million illegal immigrants. So, in six years, Obama has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Yeah, I can.’ For much more on this immigration story, bring it up to your grandfather at thanksgiving.

[Picture changes to Steven Cohen]

During a hearing about the recent failures of the Secret Service, democrat Steven Cohen suggested securing the White House with a moat. Because nothing says, “You’re in tune with the people” like building a moat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hey, Bill Cosby! Pull your damn pants up! I’ve always wanted to say that. In the wake of allegations against Bill Costy, TV Land pulled all reruns of the Cosby show. And I don’t know how to feel about that because I don’t know Bill Cosby, but Cliff Huxtable practically raised me. I love that dude. And the only thing he ever tried to sneak when people were asleep was a Hogi. So, while I may never forgive Bill Cosby, hopefully someday I can forgive Dr. Huxtable. I mean, I know it’s not the same thing, but I forgave Craimwa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pipeline at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democrats in the senate were able to stop a bill authorizing the controversial Keystone XL pipeline even though the project could have created thousands of good jobs cleaning off birds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Missouri’s map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anticipation of the grand jury decision in Ferguson, governor Jay Nixon has declared the state of emergency and deployed the national guard. So, spoiler alert, I guess we know what the verdict is. Deploying the national guard before the verdict is like your lawyer telling you to show up to court in something orange.