Category: 2015

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: The Obama administration has released a new rating system to evaluate–

Male voice: Hey! Psst! Hey Che!

Michael Che: –to evaluate colleges that places them in one of three–

Male voice: Ayo! Che! Yo, you almost done, kid?

Michael Che: [looking around] Are you serious right now?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Yo, what’s going on, man?

Michael Che: Yo!

Riblet: Come on, man! I’m double port! Let’s go!

Michael Che: Yo, what are you doing?

Riblet: Yo, are we live right now? Yo! Introduce me, kid!

Michael Che: I’m sorry, everyone. This is my friend from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet, baby. 2015!

Michael Che: No, Riblet. What are you dong here, man? I’m kind of busy.

Riblet: Oh. So, what? So, you busy now? So what? You a Hollywood now, Che? What’s going on man?

Michael Che: I’m not Hollywood. I’m just trying to work hard.

Riblet: Oh, what? Oh, because I work at Friendly’s that means I don’t work hord?

Michael Che: Yes, because you work at Friendly’s, you don’t word hord!

Riblet: Come on, man! This job ain’t that hord! Come on, man! You got it all written down on big old pieces of papers. Your job is reading, man! I’ve been doing that since I was 15. Man, this mess is easy. Yo, check it.

[Cut to Riblet replacing Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map at right top corner.]

Um, new report lists the unhealthiest state in the country as Mississippi. But only because Arkansas died of a heart-attack.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Ooh-ooh! Whee! Now make me a fribble. Oh, what’s that? Oh, you don’t know how to make a Friendly’s fribble? Oh, that’s weird because Riblet could do both jorbs!

Michael Che: Alright, Riblet. That was pretty good. I’ll admit. But, there’s a lot more to this job, man! Just go wait in the car, dude!

Riblet: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, so now you scared that if Riblet stick around, Riblet might take your jorb?

Michael Che: Riblet, you cannot take my jorb.

Riblet: Oh, yeah? Well, this just in fools.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a city and Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Amazon has launched a one hour delivery service in New York city. “Faster!” said people who ordered toilet papers.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Prrrrt! Stick up! Prrrt! Prrrt! Stick up. Pow-pow-pow-pow! Now make me a Friendly Frank. Oh, what’s that? You did not know that a Friendly Frank is just a hotdog with butter on it? Oh, I guess you don’t work as hord!

Michael Che: I’m just saying there’s other things to consider if you wanna do this job, okay? There’s other things that we got to think about.

Riblet: Prfft! I thought of all of it. Yo, Dan, roll that clip homey!

[Cut to Weekend Update intro that features Colin Jost and Riblet.]

[Cut to Riblet.]

Wad up? I’m Riblet. And here are tonight’s tippy-top stories.

[There is a picture of Department of Labor logo at right top corner.]

The labor department announced that last month employers added more than 250,000 jobs. But it looks like [Picture changes to Michael Che] this fool just lost his.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

[Riblet stands up, grabs the mic and then drops the mic on the table.]

[cheers and applause]

You changed, B!

Michael Che: My friend from high schook, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Riblet for the President. Woo-hoo!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Cyber Security and Gay Porn

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that he most commonly used passwords last year were ‘123456’ and ‘password’. Here to teach us all about the importance of strong cyber security is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up? How are you?

Pete Davidson: The importance of strong cyber security, it can’t be overstated. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean it can prevent a lot of common problems like identity theft, or your girlfriend logging into your computer and finding a bunch of gay porn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, is that a common problem?

Pete Davidson: Alright, let me explain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] One night, I was really high… like most nights. And I was watching ‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’. And I just couldn’t stop looking at how attractive and beautiful Leonardo DeCaprio was. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I mean like, he was always hot but now he’s like a golden statue version of Leonardo DeCaprio. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And I don’t think I would do it. But like, if he asks me, I might. Like, out of respect. So, you know, he’s the man. It’s Leo.

So, this made me think that I might be gay. So, this set off my anxiety and because if I turned out to be gay, I’d be really bad at it. You know, I mean look at me. I’m like the complete opposite of gay. I don’t mean straight. I mean gross! You’ve seen gay people, they’re beautiful. I might be like a straight 5 but I’m a gay 1.

[Cut to Pete Davidson to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, man! I don’t think it’d be that bad for you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s easy for you to say. You’re like a straight 8 and a gay 10.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: No, no.

Pete Davidson: He’s a gay 10. You’re beautiful.

Colin Jost: Don’t!

Pete Davidson: So, I needed to find out if I was gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So, my best thinking told me, why don’t I just watch a bunch of gay porn and see if I like it.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was your best thinking?

Pete Davidson: It was really good weed. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So first, I watched a little film called ‘Stud Horse 4’, and I didn’t like it… until I started to think maybe I didn’t like it because I haven’t watched Stud Horses 1, 2, 3. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] So, I watched the whole series and didn’t like it either. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And then I thought maybe this is just the wrong franchise for me. So, I watched all the big gay porn franchises like Jack Hammer Jose, Frat Boy Orgy, The Expendables. But I didn’t like any of them. So, I settled to question that I’m not gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And everything was fine until a few days later my girlfriend decided to use my computer and look up Gmail, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] which starts with a ‘G’ and then a bunch of gay porn popped up. And then, my defense was, “Oh no! I’m just watching to make sure I’m not gay.” And she was like, “What?” And I was like, “No, I think you heard me wrong. I’m saying I was having doubts about my sexuality so I watched a bunch of gay porn for you.” And now I’m here.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Did you just write this Update so your girlfriend wouldn’t think you were gay?

Pete Davidson: [smiling] Pete Davidson, everybody!

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Nicole

Michael Che

Nicole… Sasheer Zamata

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, President Obama proposed the series of new measures to help the middle class get ahead. Here with her own tips on how to get your personal finances in order is Nicole, my ex girlfriend.

[Michael Che slides in]

Nicole: It’s a new year and if your personal finances aren’t where you want them, it’s a great time to start fresh and make changes.

Michael Che: Oh, what kind of changes, Nicole?

Nicole: Well, after our breakup, I joined a gym and I started journaling again and I feel like I’m really taking–

Michael Che: Nicole, I don’t really care about all of that. I mean…

Nicole: [angry voice] Wooooow!

Michael Che: Wait! That came out wrong.

Nicole: No, no, no, no! You’re right. Coz, why would you all of a sudden care about me?

[Michael Che sits quietly.]

Anyway, [Cut to Nicole] the first step is separating your assets from your liabilities because holding on to a bad investment for too long will do nothing but bring you down, [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] Michael.

Michael Che: Nicole, are you serious right now?

Nicole: Number two, [Cut to Nicole] don’t wait too long to start saving for your future because that’s too little too late. Sort of like, bringing someone flowers a week after their birthday.

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Nicole, you liked flowers, first of all.

Nicole: Not from Walgreens. And they were still in the bag with a Red Bull and a Tinactin.

Number three, [Cut to Nicole] [yelling at Michael] when we were at Cancun, I asked you if you were seeing somebody. [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] I asked if you were wasting my time. And you lied to my face.

Michael Che: There was nobody else. Ask Colin.

[Cut to Colin, Michael Che and Nicole. Nicole and Michael Che look at Colin]

[Colin slowly slides away.]

Colin? Thanks dude!

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Nicole: Then why did I see you on Tinder?

Michael Che: Well, why were you on Tinder?

Nicole: To see if you were on Tinder.

Michael Che: [laughing] Can we just move along?

Nicole: Oh, I have moved a lot. I have a new man and I have never been happier.

Michael Che: Good. Great.

Nicole: Okay. Now, if you are settled with credit card debt, you need to–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] Who?

Nicole: Who what?

Michael Che: I mean you said you’re seeing somebody. Who?

Nicole: [ignoring Michael Che] As I was saying–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] I mean, I just think it’s weird that you’re already seeing someone and we just broke up. I mean, was it some kind of rebound thing?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Uh, no. It’s kind of Riblet thing. Okay?

[Riblet puts his hand on Nicole’s shoulder.]

[Cut to Nicole and Riblet]

Um, this just did, Che. I got your jorb. I got your girl. And I got another mic.

[Riblet drops the mic on the table]

[Cut to Michael Che, Nicole and Riblet]

Michael Che: Who keeps giving him mics? Nicole and Riblet, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Michael Che: Where were you, man?

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of USA map and bed bugs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to an annual ranking by Orkin Pest Control, the places in America with the worst bed bug problems Chicago, Detroit and your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of replay sign at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The inventor of the instant replay died this week at the age of 81. Let’s see that again.

[Cut to the instant replay of what Colin just said in slow motion. He then gets hit by a football.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ireland flag and LGBTQ rainbow colors at left top corner.]

Ireland’s minister of health this week announced that he is gay. Becoming the first openly gay government figure in Irish history. Of course in Ireland, gay just means you have less than eight kids.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cake being decorated at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of a bakery was sued after she refused the customers request to write “God hates homosexuality” on a cake. “Alright, then change it to ‘I’m running for President'” said Rick Santorum. [Picture changes to Rick Santorum.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnny Depp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Johnny Depp this week criticized actors who become musicians saying the whole idea makes him sick. Depp believes that only other thing an actor should become is [Picture changes to Johnny Depp’s picture where he is wearing a lot of scarfs] a french scarf monster.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with 1. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: It was announced that Pope Francis will visit New York city in September and hold a mass in Madison Square Garden. Because the pope always tries to go where [Picture changes to New York Knicks logo] people are suffering the most.

[Cut to 2. there’s a picture of Saudi Arabia flag at right top corner.[

Speaker 2: King Abdul of Saudi Arabia died this week at the age of 90 after he was run over by a terrible woman driver.

[Picture changes to Nicholas Cage and Osama Bin Laden.]

Riblet everybody!

It was announced this week that Nicholas Cage will star in a movie about irregular guy who goes on a hunt for Osama Bin Laden. It’s called, “The Nicholas Cage Story.”

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of calendar marking January twentyfirst at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: This Wednesday was National Hug Day. Dad?

[Picture changes to doctor’s apron and stethoscope.]

A teenage in Florida has been caught posing as a gynecologist for over a month. Patients became suspicious when he began every appointment by asking, “Where is it?”

[Cut to 2. There is a picture of handcuffed hands at top right corner.]

Speaker 2: a New Hampshire man was arrested for child endangerment after he left his twin nine year old nephews home alone for days at a time. Said the twin, “We used to be triplets.”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

This week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union address and showed us what it looks like when a patriot comes to play with fully inflated balls.

[Picture changes the Obama’s speech]

After republicans during the State of the Union applauded when President Obama said he had no more campaigns run, Obama responded saying, “I know, because I won both of them.” Obama’s comeback was so good, that it literally burned [Picture changes to John Banner who is very red.] John Banner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a football at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NFL is investigating claims that the New England Patriots deflated game balls before the AFC championship win. Man, that Bill Belichick [Picture changes to Bill Belichick wearing hoodie with no sleeves.] always has a trick of his no sleeves.

The Patriots of course denied the cheating accusations saying the only deflated balls they have are because of steroids. Not cheating.

[Picture changes to

The secret service reported that shots were fired from a car’s speeding pass Vice-President Joe Biden’s Delaware home. So far, police hhave only one suspect.

[Picture changes to a paper with “Hillary 2016” written on it.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of Benjamin Netanyahu]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that the Obama administration is extremely upset that Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu plans to ask congress for addition sanctions against Iran. Saying that he will “Pay a price”, which brings the number of countries that have threatened Israel up to an even… [Picture changes to world map] all of them.

The Magician’s Heckler

Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a magic show. There are Magician, Kenan and Blake on the stage.]

Magician: No, sir. If you’ll kindly place your card back into the deck just like that. Don’t let me see. Give it a shuffle. And what I want you to do is tap the top card. Sir, is this your card? [Magician shows the card]

Kenan: Oh, my god! That is.

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is laughing but Blake]

Blake: Not real!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: And you, ma’am? Do you still have the card I gave you and have you put in your pocket.

[Aidy looks for a card in her pockets]

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Fake. It’s just a trick.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, it’s not in my pocket.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You messed up the trick. I told you it was fake.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Oh, I see. I see. No, it is not in your pocket because it’s now in his.

[Kenan puts his hand in his pocket.]

Kenan: Oh, my! It’s right here.

[Everybody clapping]

That’s amazing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Give a hand to my two volunteers, please. [Kenan and Aidy leave the stage] Now, um, for my next trick–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Sir, can I ask you a question.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Um, I’m kind of in the middle of the show. But sure, what is it?

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: How in the hell did you do that?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Well, a magician never reveals his secrets.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, come on, man! We’re both adults.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Alright, you’re right. I’ll tell you. It was magic.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Real magic?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: That’s right. Now for my next trick, I’m gonna need several–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Make me rich.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: I’m sorry, what?

[Blake walks to the stage]

Oh, um, sir.

Blake: Use your powers and make me rich.

Magician: I can’t do that sir.

Blake: You can’t or you won’t?

Magician: Ha-ha-ha. Sir, if you’ll just have a seat.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Alright, this next trick, I’m gonna need two volunteers. How about you two? Come on, step up here. Sir, please if you’ll just step to the side.

[Beck and Kate walk to the stage to volunteer]

Great! Wow! That is a beautiful watch, my friend.

Beck: Oh, thank you. It’s an anniversary gift.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake ]Okay, now, um, [Magician gets a hat] what I need you to do is go ahead and place the watch inside this hat please.

[Beck puts his watch inside the hat]

Blake: Give me the power to know what women are thinking.

Magician: What? Now, I’m gonna–

Blake: So I can know what to say to them to get their tops off.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Please, sir. Go ahead. Hold this hat for me.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, the funny thing about time ladies and gentlemen, is that it flies.

[Magician mimics as he caught something. The he shows that the watch Beck had put in the hat is now in his wrist.]

[Magician opens the watch and gives it back to Beck]

Blake: Oh, my god! Make me rich, man!

Magician: Oh, come on dude! Now, ma’am, what I want you to do is go ahead and pick a card. [Magician places a deck of card in front of Kate]

Kate: Okay.

Blake: I wanna be able to slam dunk.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah, now I want you to write your address on the back of the card. Do not let me see.

Blake: Give me indestructible bones. Wolverine claws.

Magician: Buddy! Go ahead, place the card back in the deck.

Blake: I wanna be a black guy just for one day.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, you can all see that I am shuffling the cards.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] And, sir, what I want you to do is choose a second card.

Blake: Gun for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, don’t show it to me.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Well, go ahead. Obviously, look at it yourself.

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: And now show everybody else. [Beck is showing the card to the audience except Magician]

Blake: I want chicken nuggets with ranch.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Dude, he’s not a waiter. He’s not gonna get you chicken nuggets.

[Cut to the stage]

Blake: Activate guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah! You know what, guys! Let’s talk about this. Sir, [cut to Magician and Blake] okay, I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: Alright, I’m not gonna make you rich, okay?

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: Look, sir, I’m just trying to put on a show, make a couple of bucks.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: How are you not getting this? Please, I’m betting you. This is just a show.

Blake: Sir, I’m sorry. You’re right. Please continue.

[Cut to the stage]

Magician: Thank you. Finall, ha-ha-ha. Now, sir, [talking to Beck] have you memorized your card?

Beck: Yes.

Magician: Go ahead and place that card inside the hat.

Blake: Give me the power to go down on myself.

Magician: Alright, you want that? Fine! You have it! You have the power to go down on yourself. Congratulations.

Blake: You will not regret this! Yes! Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Blake goes to the backstage behind the curtains]

Magician: Um, ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. This has never happened before.

[Blake is making noise behind the curtains]

Blake: Activate going down on myself!

[Blake comes back to the stage]

It didn’t work, man! I did get a little bit closer, but not all the way. Could you just use a little bit more magic? I do believe in magic.

Magician: Alright.
Blake: I do.

Magician: Okay.

Blake: I do believe.

Magician: Magic isn’t real.

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I knew it! He’s a fake! I told you guys. Man, you guys are idiots. Ha-ha. He’s a fake!

[Blake leaves the stage]

Magician: I’m just joking ladies and gentlemen. Magic obviously is [he has a card in his palm. He tries to make it disappear but everybody could see the card thrown back.] very real.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Power to go down on myself!

[cheers and applause]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.]

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium]

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing]

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out]

[Cut to the media looking shocked]

[Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set]

[cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Parole Board

Blake Shelton

Wallace Redding… Kenan Thompson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of a room in prison. Parole board is asking questions to Wallace Redding.]

Blake: Our next prisoner is Wallace Redding. Mr. Redding, we see by your file you’ve served 40 years of a life sentence.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: That’s right, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Blake: Let me ask you, do you feel you have been rehabilitated?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Rehabilitated? Hah! That’s a funny question. I don’t believe I know the meaning of that word. Is the man who walked into this prison 40 years ago the same man you see before you? Absolutely not. Am I a saint? No. Just a man. A man who paid his debt to society. But no matter what your decision is today. I’ll accept it. For I know in the eyes of the lord, I am a free man. Free from cell, I humbly await your answer.

[Cut to Blake, Bobby and Cecily]

Blake: No, hell no! You ate a man.

Cecily: You’re the Texas man gobbler. We’d be insane if we let you out.

Bobby: Yeah, you are never getting out of here.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: If there were no cameras in this room, I would kill you myself you sick son of a bitch.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The answer is no.

Bobby: A fat no.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, I don’t expect you to come up with an answer right now. But for any of you folks who are on the fence, I have taken a hard look at my life. The things I’ve done. The things I–

Bobby: Shut up!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

No one is on the fence. You just ate a guy in prison last week. A new guy.

Cecily: You ate a whole guy, man! All that was left was just empty clothes and his hair. That’s like a magic trick.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: This is a decision of whether or not you get the chair. And you do. You absolutely do.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: I know you have a lot to discuss. The truth gets hazy inside the bin. Did I eat those people? Yes, I did. Did I enjoy it? Immensely. Would I do it again? Point me towards a homeless shelter. So whether you set me free or not, or whether I stay in here, either way I’m going to eat another man. Now, I can’t make your decision for you.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You don’t need to. It’s been made. You’re never getting out.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Do you honestly feel no remorse for what you’ve done?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Of course I do. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, but for what I was. A young stupid kid who committed that horrible crime. I wanna find that kid, talk to him. Try to talk sense into him. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Grab him by the neck, bite him. Take a little nibble out of his arm and nibble out of that corner of of the cob, nom-nom-nom-nom.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying you want to eat your younger self?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Does that make me rehabilitated? Yes, it does. I suppose you’re right. I’ll be on my way.

[Wallace tries to walk out of it]

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: No, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, before you answer, let me just say one thing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: We already answered. No, dude!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Now, whether I walk out of this prison a free man or not.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Not! Not! You’re not walking out of here.

Bobby: Yes, at this point you should only be thinking about what you want for your last meal.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: A man.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Sorry?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: For my last meal. One man please.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Two boys?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Okay, fine! One boy.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Fine. Shake shack.

[Cut to the ending clip of sea beach]

Wallace narrating: That was he day I escaped from prison and I met up with my good friend Andy in Zihuatanejo. We watched the sunset, had a couple of beers, and when he was good and drunk, I ate him.

My Darlin’ Joan

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Russle Shey… Taran Killam

Tyler Coldwin… Blake Shelton

[Starts with Topeka Today video bumper]

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby in their set.]

Sasheer: Welcome back. It’s not everyday day a 97 year old becomes a world famous song writer.

Bobby: But that’s exactly what happened to our next guest. When his wife of 70 years passed away last spring, [Cut to old black and white picture of a couple in a car] Russle Shey decided to pay tribute to her in song. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] He teamed up with a local musician and now he’s got America listening with over 2 million YouTube hits.

Sasheer: We’ve got Russle in the studio with us now. [Cut to Russle] And, aren’t you a sweetheart?

Russle: [laughing] Thank you.

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Now, Russle. How did you and your wife Joan meet?

[Cut to Russle]

Russle: Well, when I came home from the war, I’d go to the library everyday. One day I walked in and there was the most beautiful library I ever saw. And that was my Joan.

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: Aw, that’s beautiful. Also, here is Tyler Coldwin [Cut to Tyler] who has helped set Russle’s song to music. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] The song is ‘My Darling Joan.’ Please take it away.

[Cut to everybody. Tyler is playing guitar.]

[Joan and Russle’s young pictures appears at the backdrop of the stage.]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I won’t forget your sweet and tender smile
My darling Joan
you never fail to light up a room
My darling Joan
I’ll always treasure the day we met
I’ll treasure, I’ll treasure
I’ll treasure, oh, that memorable day

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: Beautiful.

[Cut to Tyler playing guitar.]

Tyler: There’s more.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] My darling Joan
you were not perfect but sure were mine
My darling Joan
you could silence a room with your nasty remarks

[Sasheer and Bobby look confused]

My darling Joan
your hatred of animals rattles my core
My darling Joan
you even yelled at me in your sleep
your body, your body
your body, it was just okay

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: I’d just like everyone to know that this is our first time hearing this song.

[Cut to everybody]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I’d hide in the closet and read my bible for strength
My darling Joan
our dinners were silent and we never had sex
My darling Joan
the only thing you loved were your expensive hats
My darling Joan
your favorite hobby was making me cry
you monster, you monster
I wish I killed you but you choked on some corn

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: So, why did you agree to help him with this?

[Cut to Russle and Tyler]

Tyler: Look, Russle’s a good guy. Plus, he’s my landlord. So, I kind of had to.

[Cut to everybody]

[The pictures of Joan at the backdrop are all made funny with pen. Russle has made horns and mustache on her.]

[singing] My darling Joan
do they let you use your humidifier in hell?
My darling Joan
does the devil let you curse him in front of his friends?

[Russle starts singing with Tyler]

Russle and Tyler: I hate you, I hate you
I hate you, now I’ll dance on your grave.
You’re in the ground
I’m alive and bugs are eating your head

Bobby: Okay! Okay! Alright! Thank you Tyler and Russle.

Russle: No, there’s three more verses.

Bobby: Nope. Going to commercial. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Topeka Today video bumper]

[cheers and applause]