Category: 2016

Talent Competition

Damien Knox… Beck Bennett

Rachel Bell… Cecily Strong

Tay-Tay Dubbs… Kenan Thompson

Yoet Klovok… Mikey Day

Bogdan Klovok… John Cena

[Starts with United States of Talent intro]

[Cut to Damien Knox and Rachel Bell at the stage]

Damien Knox: Welcome back to United States of Talent.

Rachel Bell: It’s time for our last act to take the stage and hope it’s blowing away our studio audience and our judge, entertainment industry professional, Tay-Tay Dubbs.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Holla!

Damien Knox: Alright, let’s bring out our final act. Brothers Yoet and Bogdan Klovok and their act, The Mighty Owl.

[Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok walk in with a big owl]

Yoet Klovok: Hello.

Rachel Bell: Now, guys, we are so excited to have you here. For years, you’ve wowed audiences all over Europe. But we understand this is your first time performing in six months.

Yoet Klovok: Um, that’s right. Six months ago our own Majesty flew head first into a stone wall.

Damien Knox: Oh, gosh!

Yoet Klovok: But vets were able to rebuild parts of his brain with healthy tissues from his intestines and rear end.

Bogdan Klovok: And now, Majesty has fully recovered in tip top shape. Right Majesty?

[owl growling]

Damien Knox: Well, good luck, boys.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Alright, let’s see it, fellows.

Yoet Klovok: On our command, Majesty will fly from my arm and soar over you all.

Bogdan Klovok: Then, he will swoop through these hoops and retrieve this scroll from my mouth.

Yoet Klovok: Then he shall brave death by gliding through the ring of flame to deliver the scroll into that tiny mailbox.

[Tay-Tay Dubbs is holding a tiny mailbox]

Tay-Tay Dubbs: You sure that owl can do all that?

Yoet Klovok: Oh, Majesty will succeed because Majesty…

Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok: [giving a pose] Is a mighty owl!

[the owl poops and pees on Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok]

Yoet Klovok: Oh, god!

Bogdan Klovok: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yoet Klovok: No, no, no, no. Majesty!

Bogdan Klovok: Disgusting! He pie-pied all over my show coat. Tell you, he’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: He is!

Bogdan Klovok: Apology to you all. Majesty had a small issue. But now, behold the mighty owl.

[The own pukes all over Bogdan Klovok and Yoet Klovok’s faces.]

Yoet Klovok: No! No!

Bogdan Klovok: No, Majesty. Majesty!

Yoet Klovok: Majesty up. Majesty up.

Bogdan Klovok: He’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: Thank you. And now you have experienced the Mighty owl.

Rachel Bell: Okay. The mighty owl with quite a performance. Bud did it fly with our judge? Tay-Tay.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: I mean, let’s just say it. Your owl is wack. Your owl is out of order. I mean you said it. It’s got ass in his brains. Well, it shows fellas. Tip-top shape? Don’t lie to a man. That owl is sick!

Yoet Klovok: Okay.

Bogdan Klovok: Okay.

Yoet Klovok: Right.

Damien Knox: Okay, any areas of improvement?

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Yeah. Get a new owl. Look, I work in Hollywood and that owl is not a star. That owl is and I can’t prove this, but I know it’s true, that owl is the worst owl in the world.

Bogdan Klovok: Thank you. Thank you.

Rachel Bell: Okay. Let’s bring out our other acts. Three incredibles acts. Which one will be leaving tonight? Will it be bling juggler Max Insight who Tay-Tay called the ninth wonder of the world?

Damien Knox: Will it be 17 year old opera prodigy Erika Le’Saw who Tay-Tay said would win it all?

Rachel Bell: Or will it be the Mighty Owl to which Tay-Tay said got ass in it’s brain.

Damien Knox: Three incredible acts and we’ll find out who is going home after the break.

[The End]

Science Presentation

Aidy Bryant

Ray… John Cena

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Miles… Mikey day

Heather… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]

Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.

Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.

Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.

Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.

Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.

Ray: No problem.

[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]

Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.

Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.

Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.

Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.

Ray: Bananas.

Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.

Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.

Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.

Heather: Thank you.

Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.

Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.

Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.

Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.

Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.

Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.

Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.

Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.

Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?

Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.

Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]

Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.

Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.

Miles: I promise you that is an orange.

Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.

Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.

Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.

Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?

Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.

Kenan: Very disappointing.

Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?

Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?

Beck: Bingo!

Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?

[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]

Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.

Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?

Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?

[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]

Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.

Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?

[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]

Beck: It’s okay.

Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!

Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.

Miles: [disappointed] What?

Aidy: Heather, 70.2%

Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.

Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.

Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!

Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.

Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.

Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book]

[The End]

Romance Bookstore

Vanessa Bayer

Mitchel… Beck Bennett

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Dan… John Cena

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Vanessa and Mitchel entering a bookstore]

Vanessa: Oh, sexy. Baby, it’s an erotic bookstore.

Mitchel: Anything to help our dumb ass dry spell.

Vanessa: Mitchel!

Carol: Aw! Welcome to the Scorched Corset, where fantasies delight.

Kenan: What my friend Carol is trying to say is let us know if you need anything.

Vanessa: Yeah. We’re just browsing. Do you have something by Jacquelin Livo?

Carol: Hmm, have you read the Ranch hand and the Row?

Vanessa: I have not.

Carol: Okay, well let me retrieve it for you. Our stock boy should know where it is. Jon George!

[Dan walks in. He is a big man with long silky blonde hair.]

Dan: Yes.

Carol: Assist me at once.

Dan: Sure. Let’s get that book.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: She’ll be right back.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Oh, Dan. Oh, you want me, I know it. But we’re at work. We can’t. A woman of my stature with a brut accustomed to manual labor?

Dan: Oh, yeah. I’m a big boy. I have a thick neck, big hands. I’ve been waiting you so bad in this store.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Vanessa, Mitchel and Kenan]

Vanessa: I’m sorry. What’s going on back there?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carol and Dan. She calls him Dan.

Mitchel: Why?

Kenan: I don’t know. But don’t worry, they never do anything. It’s all show and no go.

[Carol walks in with a book]

Carol: I found it. Here you go. I hope this teases and pleases. Now go, free of charge.

Kenan: No, no, no. It’s $5.

Mitchel: Here. [paying the money] It better be five bucks of bedroom magic. Come on.

[Vanessa and Mitchel walk out]

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Hi. I’m looking for a fun light read for a long plain ride?

Carol: Ah! Perhaps you’ll like the work of Feather Dubreaux. Dan!

[Dan walks in]

Dan: Yea.

Carol: To the bookcase.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: Let’s hustle Carol.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Quick, take me away to a fantasy. I’m on an Irish cliff. My hair is red and very wide.  It’s blowing in the Irish wind and I’ve known only as Lady Velvet.

Dan: And I’m the guy who puts the horse food in the horse bucket. Yes, I’m dirty, and strong.

Carol: Yes! You woke up my estate.

Dan: And I have fix, stake hands, right?

Carol: Yes.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Melissa and Kenan]

Melissa: So, are they a couple?

Kenan: No, they’re damn not. They just work here. I mean, she does.

Melissa: And he doesn’t?

Kenan: No, he works for her.

Melissa: What do you mean?

Kenan: She pays him out of her paycheck.

Melissa: But she’s the owner?

Kenan: No, I am.

Melissa: So, he doesn’t work here?

Kenan: Right.

Melissa: And that doesn’t bother you?

Kenan: I mean, it really does, but what am I gonna do? You know?

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Carol: My tiny pink nips scream in the howling wind.

Dan: And my thick stake hands reach at those.

Carol: Oh, but we shan’t touch because I’m a lady of gold coins, satin gloves and tiny decadent cakes.

Dan: And I am a dirt man that knows only sex.

[Dan opens his shirt]

Carol: Oh! Teach me!

Kenan: Get the book! Get the damn book!

[Carol walks in with a book in her hand]

Carol: Here, here. Take it as a gift. Now go.

Kenan: No, you must pay.

Melissa: This isn’t Feather Dubreaux. This is Tanya Whitmore. She writes filth.

Kenan: Carol, fix this.

Carol: Oh, I shall. Dan!

[Carol runs out]

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Dan: I’m a cave man with a big gun.

Carol: Oh, and I’m horny wealthy ghost with full throttle knockers. [Carol shows her bra]

Dan: And I grab your ghost butt with my ten pound hands.

[Cut to Kenan and Melissa]

Kenan: I’m really sorry. This is embarrassing. Just one moment please.

[Kenan goes behind]

[Cut to Carol, Kenan and Dan]

Kenan: Look, you two. Stop it and listen to me. I am on horseback. Leather chaps my skin as I ride atop the red rocks of Sedona.

John Cena Monologue

John Cena

Santa… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena.

[John Cena walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Cena: Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name if John Cena and to those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler. [crowd laughs late] Yeah, well, late bloomers but that’s okay. Normally on TV, you see me in the ring throwing down all the other WWE superstars, and I love it. But it’s exciting to get away for a week and do something a little different. And now, I’m gonna need someone to help me sing. Get out here, New York Santa!

[Bobby Moynihan in Santa outfit walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Ho, ho, ho. I’m locking it.

John Cena: The normal Santa travels by a sleigh. [Bobby Moynihan starts opening his Santa costume] But the New York–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] No! Cena! You think you can do comedy and wrestling? Well, two can play that game. Get ready to feel the pain of… The Waddler.

[Cut to intro video of The Waddler as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to the SNL stage. John Cena is on stage but Bobby Moynihan is standing very far.]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

John Cena: How did you get over there?

Bobby Moynihan: I waddled! [running towards the stage] Oh! I’m coming for you, Cena.

John Cena: Okay, well you do.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, I just move real weird. [moving around John Cena’s behind] What are you gonna do when The Waddler’s coming for you, Cena? Hun?

John Cena: [laughing] I mean, that’s actually really cool. Did you make that outfit?

Bobby Moynihan: I did.

John Cena: That’s– I actually think you could be a great WWE superstar.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, wow. Um, thank you, John. You did not have to say that.

John Cena: Bring it in here, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay.

[John Cena and Bobby Moynihan hug each other. John Cena mistakenly breaks Bobby Moynihan’s bones while hugging.]

Ah! Okay! That’s a rib. That’s a full rack of ribs right there.

[Bobby Moynihan walks away limping]

John Cena: Okay. [music playing] The real New York Christmas.

[Cut to Leslie Jones a the back of the audience.]

Leslie Jones: [yelling] John Cena! You coming here to tell jokes on my turf? I’m bout to whoop your ass!

John Cena: Wait, what’s your wrestling character supposed to be?

Leslie Jones: Wrestling character? I’m Leslie Jones, bitch!

[Cut to intro video of Leslie Jones as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to SNL stage. Leslie Jones walks to John Cena]

Leslie Jones: That’s right and I’m bout to get in your– Ooh! [checking out John Cena’s body] Damn! Ooh! You is very fine. I did not know. Ooh, I can put my whole tongue in your chin nipple deep. [takes her card out of back pocket and gives it to John Cena] Just meet me at the hotel room, John.

[Leslie Jones walks away]

John Cena: Okay guys. This isn’t a challenge. [Kenan Thompson is sneaking behind John Cena with a steel chair] We’re in it together. I actually worked really hard on this song. Seriously. I spent all week writing with a couple of nerds, so please–

[Kenan hits John Cena with the chair. The chair breaks but John Cena doesn’t move at all.]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Got you, Cena!

John Cena: Alright! Alright. [John Cena opens his coat. He is wearing sleeveless shirt.] I’ve been trying to be nice to you guys all you wanna do is challenge me. So, if you really want some, come get some.

[Cut to John Cena’s intro video as a wrestler.]

[Cut to the SNL stage]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! I made a grand error in judgement.

John Cena: You can’t see me.

Kenan Thompson: [scared] Oh, I’m done with the flower.

[Kenan Thompson runs away]

John Cena: We have a great show for you tonight. Maren Morris is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Joanne & The Tree

Mr. Jenkins… John Cena

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]

Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.

Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.

[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]

Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.

Cara: Go, Joanne

All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!

Cara: Little higher Joanne.

[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]

Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?

[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]

Cara: Oh my god!

Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.

Cara: Christmas is ruined.

Leslie: Look, there she is.

[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]

Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.

Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.

Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.

Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.

Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.

Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.

Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.

Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.

Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.

Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.

Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.

Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.

Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.

Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.

[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]

Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!

Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.

Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.

Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.

Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.

Joanne: Oh, that will do it.

[Joanne slips her hand and falls]

Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.

Beck: Poor tree as well.

Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.

Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.

[Cut to Joanne falling down]

Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!

Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.

Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?

[Santa just takes the tree away]

Santa, no!

Dyke & Fats Save Christmas

Dyke… Kate McKinnon

Fats… Aidy Bryant

Chief… John Cena

[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.

[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]

Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.

[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.

[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa]

[Cut to the police station]

Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.

Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.

Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.

Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.

Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.

Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.

Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.

Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?

Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?

Fats: We’re back to that?

Dyke: No, we’re past that.

Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!

[The End]

Dating Show

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Dustin… Beck Bennett

Jared… Kyle Mooney

Frank… Mikey Day

Ryan Mack… John Cena

[Starts with MTV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.

[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]

Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.

[Cut to Michelle]

Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.

Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.

Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.

Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.

Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.

[Ryan Mack walks in]

Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.

Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?

Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.

Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.

Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–

Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.

Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?

Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.

Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.

Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.

Ryan Mack: Shut up.

Michelle: You shut up.

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.

Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.

Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]

Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.

Ryan Mack: Too big?

Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.

Ryan Mack: You want me to try?

Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?

Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?

Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.

Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]

Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.

Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.

Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”

Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.

Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]

Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.

Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?

Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.

Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.

[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing]

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.

Dustin: That’s a really good answer.

Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.

Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.

Jared: Thanks.

Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.

[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]

Jared: You’re just saying that.

Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not

[Dustin and Jared start kissing]

Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.

Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Taiwan Call

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And Colin, you’re not gonna believe this but the media is beginning to question is Donald Trump knows what he’s doing. Trump had communication with the president of Taiwan which violates a long standing agreement between the US and China, but in fairness, the president of Taiwan called him. And also, there’s no way Donald Trump knows difference between Taiwan and China. He probably just thinks one makes his hats and other makes his ties. What did surprise me is that Trump would actually answer an unknown phone number. That guy has like millions of dollars in debt. I owe chase $1,100 and when I see a number I don’t recognize, I answered the phone in Taiwanese accent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump began what he’s calling a ‘Thank you tour of the country.’ While Hillary Clinton I assume is planning more of an ‘FU tour.’ Trump’s holding victory rallies in all the places that helped him get elected. Like, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Russia, the FBI, Wikileaks and Hillary’s campaign headquarters. By the way, a ‘thank you tour’ might be the Trumpiest idea I’ve ever heard. He’s so egotistical that his idea of saying thank you is having thousands of people show up and chant his name. That’s not how thank yous work. That would be like starting a charity but instead of helping the poor, all the money went to a giant portrait of a guy who started the charity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But, come on, of course Trump is on a thank you tour. That’s his element. He loves having a big audience. That’s why his constantly on twitter. You think he likes having dinner with Mitt Romney? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney having dinner together] By the way, why does Mitt Romney look like an Instagram model being forced to take a picture with the man who just bought him a new butt?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s twitter profile at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump tweeted about flag burning and voter fraud which some think was just to distract the media from more important issues. But if they’re worried that his tweets are getting too much attention, they should just report them in the most boring way possible. The way they report a weather forecast. Watch.

[Cut to reporting Donald Trump’s tweets in a boring manner]

Male voice: [lazy voice] This morning, Trump’s tweeting about voter fraud with scattered retweets in the afternoon. Then at 3 AM, 90% chance of a tweetstorm about Rosie. This has been Tweets on the ones.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? No one cares anymore.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Protestors continue to gather at Standing Rock Indian reservation to stop the construction of the Dakota access pipeline. The natives believe that the oil pipeline could contaminate their water supply but the oil company believes, “Bleh!” The sheriff’s department began using rubber bullets and water hoses against the protestors last weekend. And, I know that law enforcement is a very, very tough job, but at some point when you’re out there in 23 degree weather, spraying some native family with a fire hose on thanksgiving, you gotta stop and wonder, “Are we the bad guys?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people protesting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, at this point if native Americans are asking us for anything, can’t we just give it to them? We basically treated them like [Picture changes to Milton from Office space] Milton from Office Space. We just keep moving them to worse and worse areas and pretending that we’re doing them a favor. And this one spot in North Dakota is their stapler. [Picture changes to Milton lookin at his stapler] Just let them have the stapler. Coz remember, at the end of Office Space, Milton snaps and burns the entire place down. And oil, famously flammable.

Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of a van with a cartoon dog printed on it at right top corner.]

Michael che: [sigh] The owner of a pet sitting operation had his van stolen with 16 dogs still inside. Starring Kevin James.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kellogg’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kellogg’s announced that it’s pulling it’s advertising from the Breitbarth website saying the Alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But I don’t know. Kellogg’s makes Kashi Go-Lean crunch and that’s may be the widest product in history. [Michael che laughing]

[picture changes to a phone]

A new app has launched that helps people boycott businesses owned by Donald Trump. The app’s called ‘Being Poor’.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of no smoking sign at right top corner.]

Michael che: The federal government has approved the plan that would ban smoking in public housing across the country which is a horrible idea. I mean, you know how stressful it is to live in the projects? I can tell you. It’s like prison. Except you didn’t do anything wrong and you can smoke in prison. How do you even plan on enforcing this law? You think a ghetto tipster’s going to call you like, “Yeah, this is Freddie, and I’d like to report a cigarette smoke act at crackhouse in 4B.” They’re saying it’s because cigarettes are a health risk but you know what else is a health risk? Living in the projects. Heating your apartment with an oven is a health risk. Letting a pitbull babysit your toddler is a health risk. Having a hospital bed in your living room is a health risk. But you know what? The worst health risk of all is? Getting evicted. Yeah. Coz that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna renovate those buildings and them to millionaires and you know what they’re going to do in those buildings? Those millionaires? Coke!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Canadian flag and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I thought he was going to say smoke. But… Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So, let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there. Make sure that crash kills you.

Michael che: [laughing] Make sure?

Colin Jost: Make sure. [Picture changes to an ape] A new research shows that the pre-human Lucy probably lived in trees. So, either pre-humans were more ape-like than previously thought or that bitch cray!

[Michael Che laughing]

[laughing] The one before it.

Michael Che: You fell for it.

Colin Jost: Well, Che wrote that.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that women in long term relationships are more likely to experience a decrease in sexual satisfaction. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Leslie. So, why do you think women in relationships have troubles sexually?

Leslie Jones: Well, it’s because men don’t correctly learn how to satisfy a woman, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Like, a couple of weeks ago, I was at the New York city FC soccer game. And I was sitting in my section with a whole bunch New York Knick players. They were all 6’9″, big old hands, big old feet, big old necks, big old chests, long ass fingers, long as…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, we know. We know where it’s going. Yes, we got it.

Leslie Jones: Of course you do, you little salty oyster cracker.

Colin Jost: You just called me a cracker.

Leslie Jones: You the head of the cracker. And I saw all these young dudes, you know, who looked like they were born after Martin was canceled. You know what I’m saying? And I thought to myself, “What a waste of good equipment.” They don’t know what to do with it, but I do. I got 30 years in the game, homie. So, I realized I can help them. I can coach them. You know? I can be like a hung like a horse whisperer! And I whisper to all shapes and sizes. I even whispered to a few ponies. It don’t matter what size it is. Don’t lie to us about what you packing. Coz we’re gonna see it eventually. And it will disappoint us. Do not promise me a rack of ribs and then show up with a little penis. And you don’t have to lie anyway coz most men are fine. My entire life, I’ve only seen like two or three, you might call like, you know, travel size. But even if that’s all you got, own it! Even a thumb drive can hold a lot of data. Step it up in other ways. The thing men today– [Colin laughing]

Colin Jost: Step it up with your hands!

Leslie Jones: The thing men today are lacking is confidence. You gotta have confidence. Confidence is sexy. Back in the days, we had confident strong men, like the Marlboro man and the browny Paper Towel dude, or Mr. Clean. You know those was real men.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, they are literally not real men.

Leslie Jones: Shut up! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz the only thing we got now is that cheap ass Trivago dude. Always trying to get me to go to some discount motel rooms. Or that creepy ass Captain Obvious. The only thing obvious about him is that he got a couple of bodies in his trunk. That ain’t sexy and it definitely ain’t confident. You gotta have confidence about yourself. And whatever equipment you got, you gotta believe in it. You gotta see your equipment through our eyes. So for all the dudes who are watching right now, go get a mirror. I’ll wait. Now, pull your pants down. Raise your shirt up, don’t pull your shirt all the way up, just raise it up. Put your shirt under your chin like this, and put the mirror in front of your junk like this. And to quote Maya Angelou, [everyone laughing] “No matter the size in between your thighs, you can still rise.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.