Category: 2016

Weekend Update Jennifer Aniston and Rachel Green

Colin Jost

Rachel… Vanessa Bayer

Jennifer Aniston

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, 90’s nostalgia is still growing as a TV trend with reboots like Fuller House and Gilmore Girls. Here to comment is Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachel slides in]

Rachel: What? Wow! Oh! Yeah! Hi, oh, oh, Colin. Yeah. Hi. Oh.

Colin Jost: Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. I’m, um, um, I’m, you know, I’m, um, um, I’m good.

Colin Jost: Wow. And now, why do you think people are so nostalgic for the 90s?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, yeah. You know, the 90s are great. You know, you go to work, uh, uh, you go on dates and you go to cafes with your friends and you all sit facing camera. Yeah! Hey, hey, you know, Joey had a really, really bad audition and we’re all gonna talk about it tonight at a– at- at the boy apartment. You, um, you should come.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a tray of cookies.]

Rachel: Oh, no. Urgh! Oh! I burned these cookies. Mon… is gonna kill me. Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Colin Jost: What just happened? What was that?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, what? Oh, yeah, yeah, I don’t know. I think that just happens when I say a sentence that, uh, uh, that sounds complete. Yeah, uh, like, uh, like, I’ll see you tonight, don’t be late.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a towel and a hairbrush.]

Rachel: Oh! Colin! Oh! You scared me. I was just in the shower. Ah!

Colin Jost: What?

Rachel: What? What? Oh, yeah. Well, uh, what, uh, yeah. Well, uh, yeah, well, what? Oh, you know, well, what? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. What? Oh, yeah.

[Jeniffer Aniston slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer and Jennifer Aniston]

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, what are you doing?

Vanessa Bayer: What? Oh, what, yeah. Hi.

Jennifer Aniston: Wait, uh, can you just– can you just drop that for a second?

Vanessa Bayer: Um, yeah.

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, come on.

Vanessa Bayer: Oh. Sorry, Jen. What re you doing here?

Jennifer Aniston: What? For the last twelve days you’ve been texting me everyday to come and visit you. Listen, honey, I know that you love F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and we had such a great time making our movie together, but you gotta really try to stop texting me everyday.

Vanessa Bayer: Yeah, I know. I just texted coz I thought we could hang, coz I don’t know, I think you’re like, the best.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, that’s so sweet, honey. You are too, but you now, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was like 5 million and five years ago, so I think we just gotta move on.

Vanessa Bayer: Well, I– I don’t know. I thought, coz I do this great bit as Rachel, so.

Jennifer Aniston: Is it a great bit though? I mean, all it kind of just sounds all you’re doing is like, “What? Oh! What? Me? Oh, wow! No! What?”

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Wow, is it like this? What? Wow!

Jennifer Aniston: No! Vanessa! No, I don’t do that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel]Come on! Phoebs! Ross! Oh, Ross!

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! Alright, fine. You wanna go grab some nachos after the show?

Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah, that’s right. You love Mexican. That’s my favorite too. Um, I’d love to. See you there!

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston, Vanessa Bayer and Colin Jost. There’s nachos on the table.]

Colin Jost: Wait! How does that happen, that’s so jarring.

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston and Vanessa Bayer]

Jennifer Aniston: I don’t know.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] What? I don’t know.

Jennifer Aniston: I do not sound like that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Oh, no. What?

Colin Jost: Jennifer Aniston and Rachel, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door]

[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck  and Alex  enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

The Hunt for Hil

Rafe Degraw… Beck Bennett

Coop Dixon… Kyle Mooney

Michelle… Vanessa Bayer

Tuketo… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of mythical creatures]

Rafe Degraw narrating: Bigfoot. The Loch Ness monster. All rarely seen. All shrouded in mystery. And tonight, we’re headed to the woods of West Chester county to search for the most elusive legend of all, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Rafe Degraw.

Rafe Degraw: Wait, did you hear that?

Rafe Degraw narrating: With my partner, Coop Dixon.

Coop Dixon: There’s something here, man!

Rafe Degraw narrating: And this is “The Hunt for Hil”. Our search begins in the woods of Chappaqua where Hillary Clinton has recently been sighted by a bunch of white people with Facebook accounts. But where is she now? We wet out to find her. Trap her. And thank her. And for that, we needed help.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon visits Michelle]

Rafe Degraw: So, Michelle, you’ve seen Hillary Clinton?

Michelle: I have. [Cut to the reenactment video] I was in my kitchen washing pans when I saw something moving through the woods. [someone walks through the bushes and Michelle gets scared] It was blonde, about 5’6“. It seemed like kind of wanted some time to itself. So, I immediately started running after it.

[Michelle is showing the video she recorded of Hillary Clinton]

Voice in the video: Hillary, wait. I just want to thank you.

Hillary Clinton: Welcome.

Voice in the video: Hillary! Wait!

[Hillary starts running]

Michelle: I think that’s her.

Rafe Degraw: That’s her. You did a great job.

Rafe Degraw narrating: We decided to check out the spot where Michelle had her sighting to see if there was any trace of Hil.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are in the woods]

Coop Dixon: Hey, Rafe, you’re gonna want to see this. [showing a footprint] That’s a woman’s shoe right there. Size six. Look, see how there’s no heel?

Rafe Degraw: It’s Hillary.

Rafe Degraw narrating: She was definitely close. So I decided to try and communicate with her.

Rafe Degraw: [making laughing noise] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: What are you doing?

Rafe Degraw: Shh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: It’s not gonna work.

Rafe Degraw: Just hold on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Hillary Clinton laughing]

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are looking around]

Rafe Degraw narrating: We could hear her laugh but we couldn’t see her. And it was getting dark. So we decided to lure her to us with the one thing we knew would entice her. An article about the recount in Wisconsin. We placed it at the edge of the woods, set up our night vision, and waited. She never showed. But the next morning when we checked, the article had clearly been read. Because in the very bottom corner, there was a little note that said, “Thank you, H.” It was our last day in Chappaqua and we had just one more idea. But it was crazy one.

[Cut to Atiketo sitting in the trees. He is a forest shaman.]

Atiketo: Hello?

Rafe Degraw: Tuketo, you say you are one with the trees.

Tuketo: Yes. I have lived my whole life in these Chappaqua woods. The trees whisper their secrets to me.

Coop Dixon: Can you ask them where Hillary Clinton is?

Tuketo: Of course. One moment. [Gibberish] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh! She’s buying eggs at a grocery store.

Rafe Degraw narrating: Next week, the search moves to a Shoprite, only on “The Hunt for Hil”.

The Christmas Candle (Emma Stone)

Emma Stone

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Emma, Kate and Aidy in a room full of candles and a Christmas tree.]

Kate: Everyone knows the story…

Emma: Of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Aidy: This is the story…

Emma: Of another more powerful Christmas savior.

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] The snow’s falling down
it’s Christmas time again
a woman has to get a gift for some girl at work named Jen

Emma: She doesn’t know what Jen likes
and she doesn’t super care
so she goes inside a closet just to see what crap’s in there

Aidy: And in darkness there’s a light
then suddenly she sees the Christmas savior’s here tonight

All: It’s a candle, peach candle
it’s been sitting by a bike for a year
for a year
She takes the candle
dust off the candle
and wraps it up for Jen and just says “Here”.

Emma: Then one day after this
in foggy London town
two acquaintances are having cheer when one puts a present down

Kate: The other says, “Wait, what?”
I mean I got you something too
and she rummages inside her purse for garbage that will do

Aidy: And it settles on
something that she had just gotten from her boyfriend’s mom

All: It’s a candle, same peach candle
regifted round the world in just one day
just one day
thank you candle, the one true candle
the candle we all get, then give away.

Aidy: But here’s a warning,
when you give a candle that is all that she needs
don’t pair it with the lotion or some little cream
a lot of people think two gifts are better than one
but that just makes each gift seem smaller and dumb

All: So, just give the candle, don’t overthink the candle
it’s passed to very single woman and most gays
we all get candle, we all give the candle
that $9 candle, that almost new candle
enjoyed by the candle,
it’s a gift of having a gift to give away

a gift of having a gift to give away

Emma: Thank you, candle.

Posters

Shawn… Pete Davidson

Snowboarder… Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Walton P… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]

Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.

[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.]

[The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]

Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.

Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.

Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.

[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]

Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?

Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.

Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.

Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?

Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?

[Cut to another poster of Walton P]

Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!

Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.

Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”

Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.

Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…

Snowboarder: The slopes…

Kate: The Battlefield.

Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.

Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.

Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.

Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.

Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.

Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.

Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.

Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.

Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.

Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?

Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.

Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.

Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…

Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?

Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.

Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.

Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.

Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.

Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah!

[Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]

Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.

[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!

Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.

Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro!

[alarm ringing]

Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.

Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.

Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.

[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”

High School Theatre Show with Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Emma Stone

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Woodbridge High School, Student Theatre Showcase intro]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School’s Student Theatre Showcase.

Emma: Written and directed by us. The students.

Aidy: And yes, it’s very hard for us to be up here doing theatre during this current political climate.

Emma: But now, more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

Aidy: So without further due, please enjoy our show. Now more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[The lights turn on]

Kyle: We open on a very dark days to the world.

Beck: Okay Jews, let’s go.

[the actors are in line]

Emma: Mommy, do we have to?

Kate: Yes, honey. That’s the rules of the holocaust.

Emma: Okay, mommy. And mommy, one more question, what year is it again?

Kate: Honey, you know what year it is. Its… 2017.

All: Surprise!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

Kenan: I always forget how bad these are.

Vanessa: Ah! That one kind of made a good point though.

Kenan: They can never know you said that.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: Look, look, it’s Kylie Jenner.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Emma: Look, look, it’s Chris Hemsworth.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Mikey: Look, look, it’s …a scientist.

All: Ah, no thanks. Wow!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Uh, the program says, “Tonight’s proceeds go to Standing Rock, let’s get those native Americans the pipeline they want.”

Kenan: Yeah. I don’t think they know what’s happening there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are speaking in foreign language]

Emma: And scene. Excuse me, ma’am, could you understand that?

Vanessa: Um, no.

Emma: Is it because we were speaking Mandarin?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

Emma: And you only know English?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

All: Sad!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was not Mandarin. I heard them say dog in Spanish a few times.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: [coughing] Yep, you guessed it. I have AIDS. I used to be sad about my AIDS. I didn’t want AIDS. My AIDS made me feel less then. But now, I don’t let AIDS define me.

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, this one’s actually nice.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: I’m okay with AIDS. I love my AIDS. I’m glad I have AIDS and I wish everyone in the world had AIDS. Because frankly, AIDS…

All: Rocks!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: That sort of became pro-getting-AIDS.

Kenan: Yeah, she over shot the runway at the end there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Hey guys, for this next part, we’re gonna do something really fun. We’ve been studying improv all semester. So, all we need is a word and we’ll use it to inform this next scene.

Kenan: Basketball.

Beck: Okay, basketball. Here we go.

Emma: Honey, why are you crying?

Kyle: A kid at school called me a fairy.

Emma: Ah! Don’t listen to him. it’s great to be gay. I love you no matter who you are.

Kyle: Thanks mom. That’s important for me to hear.

Emma: Of course. Now go wash up for dinner.

Kyle: What are we having?

Emma: Basketball!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That’s it?

Vanessa: I paid $1,000 for that improv class.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are kissing each other]

Kate: How about from now on, less shooting more kissing?

All: Black lives matter.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was their Black Lives Matter scene?

Vanessa: I’m pretty sure they all just wanted to kiss each other and then made it about something.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors bow down]

Emma: Thank you. That’s our show.

Aidy: And remember guys, don’t throw away your tickets, coz if you save them, you can frame them. Yes.

[The End]

Film Screening

Cecilia Prince… Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Aniston

Cecilia Prince: Hello everyone and welcome to tonight’s Hailey Center event, “Big parts, small actresses.” The state of gender equality and film. To my left, star of Ghost Busters, Leslie Jones.

Leslie Jones: Girl, I told you I wanted my credit to be the Olympics.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Going down the line, star of ‘La-la Land’, Emma Stone.

Emma Stone: Hi everyone. I’m stone.

Cecilia Prince: Next, we are so fortunate to be joined by a Hollywood legend, the star of over 300 feature films, and the first woman to ever dive into a swimming pool screen. The great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s honor to be where am I?

Cecilia Prince: And we are so pleased to have with us today, the star of the upcoming film “Office Christmas Party,” Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston: It’s great to be here, and Debette, I have been dying to meet you.

Debette Goldry: And I have been slowly dying. In memoriam Oscars 2017, oh boy!

Cecilia Prince: Okay, now let me start with a question for all of you. What do you think is still holding women back?

Emma Stone: I think there are all these tiny little things. Like, you’ve got to change your hair to fit your type.

Jennifer Aniston: Yeah. And you have to act a certain way so that you don’t get labelled as a difficult.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. You gotta eat arsenic to make your skin pale.

Emma Stone: What?

Debette Goldry: I mean, Samuel Goldwyn had a rule that all of his starlets had to take arsenic tablets to make their skin glow. And then they discovered that it made us, um, I’m sorry, what is the word, psychotic. So, to calm us down, they’d send in the monkey with a tray of Opium, you know how it goes.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, I can’t– I san’t say that I actually know what you’re talking about. I mean, I know we had a monkey on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and he was quite a handful.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, handful of opium, and now that is a friend.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay. Now, do all of you find that equal pay is still a battle that needs fighting?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. Even in standup, people don’t want to talk about it but then you find out how much more men is getting paid, it’s crazy.

Debette Goldry: Well, of course we’re paid less than men. They’re men. They’re doing all the work. We’re just lying on a train track waiting to get run over.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god! So you literally were treated like an object?

Debette Goldry: Well, I mean, it made sense. Back in those days, actresses were actually part of the props budget. When I was in filming, I had to sit on a little table next to a piece of masking tape that said “Woman.” And then one of the union guys would pick me up, bring me over, show me the Alfred Hitchcock and say, “Sorry, this is all they have.”

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, my god!

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Let’s pivot. What needs to change for women, not just in Hollywood but in the world at large?

Emma Stone: I think we’re in a unique position to draw attention to worthy causes. Whether it’s raising awareness or meeting with policymakers.

Debette Goldry: You know, the studio once sent me to the white house to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ for FDR. He asked me to tickle his pickle.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: Well, I tickled his pickle. He kept all the fake pickle in his wheelchair as a joke. Then I blew him.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] That’s the end of that. Um, let’s talk about women behind the camera.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, well, I’ve been in the director’s chair–

Debette Goldry: A woman director, wow! How could that possibly work? Oh, I see, your husband comes to set dressed up like a plant? Whispers the ideas. got it.

Jennifer Aniston: What? No. I direct the movie.

Debette Goldry: Okay, Jentlefer Panty-ston. Cuckoo. No more arsenic for her, please.

Emma Stone: I think just overall, the whole vibe is so much better when there are women in the room. Whether it’s on set or in the audition.

Debette Goldry: Oh, tell me about it. They used to make me do a whole screen test just for my toot.

Emma Stone: What part of your body is your toot?

Debette Goldry: I’ll give you two guesses and they’re both right.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god! Good lord! You see, women’s bodies are constantly under the microscope.

Emma Stone: There’s a whole industry built around shaming actresses for how they look.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, yeah. You know, back when I started, we didn’t have fancy stuff like botox. So, what they’d do is they’d make a little incision on your forehead, pour in pancake batter. On a hot day we’d start to smell like a breakfast. That’s why they call it “Breakfast head at Tiffany’s.”

Emma Stone: Um, it’s called “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Debette Goldry: Whatever you say, little miss I pick my own boyfriends

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay, that’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Oh, boy, I know what that means. I got my ticklers. Where’s those pickles?

Emma Stone High School Monologue

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone.

[Emma Stone walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be hosting SNL this time of year. It’s so beautiful. If you’ve never been here in December, they have this huge tree outside and they surround it with literally hundreds of thousands of slow tourists. It’s just– It’s beautiful. This is my third time hosting.

[cheers and applause]

I’m kind of like a veteran now. Well, last time I hosted was five years ago and I was so young back then. You know, I didn’t actually go to high school really, so for me this kind of was my high school. Being here brings back so many memories. Like…

[slow music playing. Emma Stone starts walking around.]

The lights are the same. You know. All these chairs are same. That guy was here. Hi!I think it really was like high school. There are clicks. There are parties. There are awkward hookups. [Emma Stone runs into two men making out] That wasn’t happening before. How sweet is that? Old love. Oh! Kenan! [Emma Stone runs into Kenan Thompson] Hey! Five years ago, I got Kenan to try pot for the first time. Have you ever smoked since then?

Kenan: Couple of times. [as he speaks, the smoke comes out of his mouth]

Emma Stone: Good to see you. [Emma Stone starts walking again] Oh! Oh, my god! This! This is the band dressing room and I used to be so intimidated by this place because this was like where all the mean girls in the cast hung out.

[Vanessa Bayer comes out of the door

Vanessa: [looking away] Hey, bitch!

Emma Stone: Hey, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Haven’t seen you around here in a while. What have you been up to? Getting nominated for an Oscar or something?

Emma Stone: It’s like, only once.

Vanessa: Only once. God! Well, guess what Emma Stone, while you were out doing all these great movies, I was doing two movies. Train Wreck and another one.

Emma Stone: Okay, well, see you Vanessa.

Vanessa: Tell casting directors about me.

Emma Stone: Okay. I’m gonna say something for sure. Argh! [excited] Hi!

Beck: Hi, Emma!

[Emma Stone crosses path with Beck Bennett and hugs Aidy Bryant]

Emma Stone: Aidy! Aidy Bryant. This is a fun fact. This is real. Aidy and I went to high school together.

Aidy: Yeah, it’s true. Xavier Prep in Phoenix.

Emma Stone: Why didn’t we stay in touch?

Aidy: Oh, you left after one semester to go to Hollywood to be famous and I kind of just like, did high school.

Emma Stone: Right. Right. How was that?

Aidy: Actually, very bad.

Emma Stone: Oh! But it all worked out, right?

Aidy: Sure.

[Emma Stone starts walking around]

Emma Stone: So many great memories in this place. But probably, the one that sticks with me is this fling that I had with a guy on the show back then. I wonder if he ever comes around here anymore.

[drums and guitars playing]

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with a football in his hand]

Bobby: Hey, kid, how you’ve been?

Emma Stone: [blushing] Bobby, you look great.

Bobby: Yeah, I know.

Emma Stone: How come you never called?

Bobby: Sorry, it’s not my style, you know? But listen, I’ve been watching you. Spiderman, Birdman, you’ve been doing a lot of crazy stuff, huh?

Emma Stone: Yeah. Have you been doing some cool stuffs too?

Bobby: No.

Emma Stone: Oh my god. What were we doing back then? I was this silly 23 year old and you were–

Bobby: I was 35 and engaged. Hey kid, listen, I know you never had a Homecoming but we’re all family here. So, let’s make tonight your Homecoming.

Emma Stone: Really?

Bobby: Absolutely. Now, I want you to get out there, get on that floor and make a stupid little fool of yourself.

Emma Stone: Okay.

Bobby: Alright! Hey, Emma, go low. [throws the ball] Oh boy.

[Emma Stone walks to the stage]

Emma Stone: Let’s make this night special together. We’ve got a great show. Shawn Mendez is here. So, stick around and we will be right back.

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Cleaning Crew

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Emma Stone

Leslie Jones

Karla… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with five colleagues in their office]

Beck: Well gang, thanks for working so late on the night before our big Christmas break. And you are all anxious to get back to your families, so I’ll see you in two weeks. Alirght?

[As everyone is getting ready to leave, three ladies walk in. Pete whispers on Beck’s ears.]

Oh, wait. What’s that? Okay. Um, sit down for a sec, everybody. Um, evidently our wonderful cleaning crew here has put together a Christmas show.

Pete: Really? And they wanna do it now?

Alex: I was hoping to catch the 9 o’clock train.

Cecily: [Russian accent] Oh, I’m so sorry. We can just clean your mess and say or do nothing?

Vanessa: Of course, we will stay and watch your show. You do so much for us.

Emma: Thank you, Ms. Christine.

Vanessa: Thank you Ms. Thang, about to perform with your other two Ms. Thangs.

Sasheer: You don’t know their names, do you?

Cecily: It’s a tradition in our country to share songs.

Emma: So, we write one just for you.

Leslie: With you in mind.

Beck: Sounds great!

Cecily: Okay, we are ready. [Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie] [music playing. They open their outer outfit. Inside, they’re wearing tight dress.]

[singing] hey there, Santa, you’ve been a bad boy

All: Like you do, like you do, like you always damn do

Emma: You came down the chimney and pushed me on the floor

All: What he do? What he do? What does Santa do to you?
Santa said be quiet as a mouse
don’t tell anybody or I’ll burn down your house
bad boy Santa, bad boy Santa
Santa’s a bad, bad boy.

[The staff are clapping]

Beck: Um, that was, um, something. So, thank you. Yeah.

Cecily: It was okay, or bad and you hate it?

Emma: Your face looks confused. You know who is Santa, right?

Leslie: He stand in your house and he goes “Ho, ho, ho!”

Beck: Yes, he does! He sure does. Very cute, ladies.

Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your beautiful cultures with you. I could listen to that for hours.

Pete: Really, Christine?

Emma: Oh, good, good. We have more.

Beck: Okay, well just one more. Deal?

Leslie: It’s a deal.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Emma: Wake up Santa, get out of my bed
it’s time to deliver those presents

Cecily: I know you want to go again
but it’s time to deliver those presents

Leslie: Santa, no, what did I say?
put on your pants and get back in your sleigh

All: Santa, Santa, Santa
just make it fast

Beck: Um, okay. That was number two.

Leslie: You don’t like?

Beck: Well, here in America, we don’t really think of Santa that way.

Cecily: Like in fun sexy way?

Emma: Like a big Frisker?

Cecily: Yeah, like a goofy elf and he’s horny all the time.

Alex: Kids, that’s not true about Santa.

[There are three kids looking at Alex]

Vanessa: Oh, god damn! I forgot your kids are here.

Alex: Yeah, I have them this weekend. I get on a year. Supervised. Hi, Karla.

Karla: [standing with the kids] This isn’t great, Dan!

Beck: Okay. I think we’ve all had enough. So let’s do just one more to make sure.

Pete: But they didn’t ask to do one more.

Cecily: We had one though.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Cecily: The elves are lined up outside my door
each one more worked up than the one before

Emma: Santa told the elves they could have a turn

Bad boy Santa, you never learn

Leslie: Give me a break, put the camera away

All: Plus I think, you’re too drunk anyway
Santa, Santa, Santa, what did I tell you
about my chimney
it only goes one way!

Beck: Well, I don’t see how you could top that. But let’s do two or three more just to make sure.

Emma: Okay. But this next one is a little bit dirty…

[The End]