Category: 2016

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Furonica… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]

Barbara and Furonica: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.

Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.

Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.

Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.

Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.

Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.

Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.

Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.

Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.

Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.

[Barbara shows out a cat]

Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.

[Barbara and Furonica laughing looking at each other.]

Furonica: You used to do stand-ups.  You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.

Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.

Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.

[Furonica starts touching Barbara]

Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.

Furonica: Farts are funny.

Barbara: How old are you again?

Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.

Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]

Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]

Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.

Furonica: I think I know you like it.

Barbara: Oh, boy.

Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.

Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.

Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.

Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.

Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.

Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.

[Mr. Majestical walks in and is dancing]

‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.

Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.

[Mr. Majestical walks out]

Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.

Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking

Barbara: So, come on down …

Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.

Weekend Update Willie on Thanksgiving

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving and I for one is really not looking forward to it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Michael, how are you doing? Oh, I just love thanksgiving. My whole family getting together. Sitting around the table giving me ultimatum to quit drinking.

Michael Che: That sounds terrible.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Yeah. Family time is best part of thanksgiving, Michael. Reminds of me when I was a little boy. Me and my cousins going to our grandparents’ house, sneaking a sip of warm spicy cider from my grand daddy’s bedpan.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Dude!

Willie: And boy, do I miss my granny’s cooking. Oh, you would have loved her famous pecan pie. That crust was so  b, pecan so juicy, you can barely taste the legs. [Cut to Willie] I can still hear my grandmama now yelling, “It’s roaches in the pie, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh? But don’t you love watching football on thanksgiving day, Michael? It reminds me of when I watched the game on TV with my daddy. [Cut to Willie] He pointed to the screen and he said, “Son, you see that man running with the ball? That’s OJ Simpson. He had sex with your mama and one day I’m gonna frame him for murder.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: Well, I mean, sure! I may not live a life of luxury, maybe I don’t have a coat, or toenails, but I do have something that nobody could ever take away from me.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: Outstanding warrants. Let me tell you, Michael, [Cut to Willie] I can’t wait to see that Macy’s parade again. You ever gone there as a kid?

Michael Che: I have actually.

Willie: You see all those big pretty balloons? I remember every thanksgiving, my uncle Joe would show me ‘Woody woodpecker’, and then he zip up his pants drive me down to the parade.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Yeah, man. I really can’t relate to any of those stuff, Willie.

Willie: Well, you know who really loves thanksgiving, my old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] Yeah, every year I take him down to the turkey farm to play with the turkeys. You should see, just wrestling and trolling, feathers flying everywhere, and if you listen real close, it almost sounds like old Lucias is definitely crying for help. For like they always say, Michael, “Those turkeys are running the train on your dog, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson about Trump Presidency

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: 12 days after the election. Americans are still protesting Donald Trump’s presidency. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! Hi, Colin. Wad up?

Colin Jost: What’s up Pete? You got some fans.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. One.

Colin Jost: How are you doing, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I’m doing pretty bad. I’m doing really bad, actually.

Colin Jost: Really? Well, I mean, you know people are bummed about the election but they ended up legalizing weed in a bunch of states. So that probably cheers you up, right?

Pete Davidson: No, but it should. But it’s that, it has ruined weed for me forever. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Coz Donald Trump being president is something I used to say when I was high and laugh at how crazy it is. And I’m high right now, and it is not funny. They say give Trump a chance and the first thing he did is hire a chief strategist who everybody is saying hates Jews. They say, “No, Bannon doesn’t hate Jewish people. He has worked alongside them.” Yeah, and Mel Gibson did four lethal weapons with Danny Glover. That proves nothing.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, do you think there could be any kind of an up side to Trump being president?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. He’ll probably reduce crime in the real estate business by no longer working in the real estate business.

Colin Jost: And what do you think the worst part of him being president is going to be?

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Well, now, anyone thinks they can run for office. Like, even Kanye thinks he could be president. He has been saying he loves Trump and is gonna run against him. Like he heard people saying, “This was greatest threat America has faced”, and he was like, “No, I’m the greatest!” Like, we as a country need to agree that if it isn’t over a sick beat, we don’t want to listen to anything Kanye West has to say ever again. Okay? That guy is crazy. Ay, I’m not innocent. I’ve said some Kanye like things, like, a few weeks ago I got into a little trouble because I said some things about my hometown. Our hometown, Staten Island. I was just kidding around when I said, “Hurricane Sandy should have finished the job.” And yeah, people were mad. But to be fair, I was raised there. So, Staten Island should kind of share some of the blame. I mean it was pretty Staten Island thing to say. And I was gonna apologize, but then I saw this. [Cut to picture of New York colored red and blue according to majority voting. Most of it has blue, but Staten Island has over 80% red.] This is how the five boroughs of New York voted. You see that big red open wound? That’s Staten Island, the herpes of boroughs. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Now do you get it? Now do you see why I can’t stand us? Like, this is what I really wanted to say. It’s like I know a lot of you are upset and scared and sad, myself included. And to everyone feeling that way, I think it’s important to hold on to that outrage. Hold on your anger and frustration and let it build and build so you can release it at the exact right moment. Thanksgiving! Your family wanted Trump? Well, this is what they’re gonna hear the whole entire day. “Hey grandpa, can you take a second away from loving Hitler to pass me the potatoes? Can’t wait to play our annual game of sheets versus skins.” Coz, I’ll be on the front lines coz I’m having thanksgiving in Staten Island.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I was right!

Weekend Update on the Trump Administration

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hello, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And well, one week has passed since Donald Trump’s been elected president. Now, it hasn’t been great, but it also hasn’t been good. Or, even fine. So, half of the country is worried that Trump is going to make America unsafe for women and minorities. The first guy he hired was [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] former chairman of Breitbart news and fitness enthusiast, Steve Bannon. Oh, that face though. Breitbart news has been criticized by the left for being a sexist, racist, white nationalist news site. Hah! Strong words. I don’t know if I’d call it a news site. Calling Breitbart news site is like calling the R. Kelly sex tape a romcom.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump also nominated Alabama senator Jeff Sessions for attorney general, even though Sessions was denied a federal position 30 years ago for making racist remarks. But you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, wait 30 years until history lurches backwards. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] The thing that’s surprising me most about all these peeps is how lazy they are. They’re just whoever’s lying around Trump’s office. He basically did a Yelp search with a radius of 10 feet. At this point, if you just wandered into Donald Trump on the street and you are wearing a suit, there’s a 90% chance he’d make you secretary of education. And half of the guys he is picking have been unemployed. Is this what he meant by bringing jobs back? I think Trump is just surrounding himself with people who make him look better. I mean that was kind of the point of Celebrity Apprentice. People think Trump’s a great businessman because he is, compared to Brett Michaels and Lou Ferrigno.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Donald Trump was surprised by the scope of the responsibilities of a president. Yeah, dude. Being president is hard. That’s why Obama looks like he spent eight years in a turkey smoker. Obama is the only guy that gave up cigarettes and somehow looks worse. You know, I don’t even think Donald Trump ever wanted to be president in the first place. I mean nobody is judging a swimsuit contest with Dennis Rodman while also wanting to bring back jobs to rural Pennsylvania. I think he just wanted to win the election because everybody said he couldn’t. It’s like dating. Chasing someone as hard to get is always more fun that the actual relationship. He just liked the chase. He enjoyed wooing America for 18 months, he loved making crazy promises, even when the media was saying Trump was crazy, he was just like, “Baby, stop listening to your dumb fat friends. They’re just jealous.” And it worked somehow. America said yes. But now the chase is over. And the relationship starts. And it’s not fun anymore. He’s getting texts from Dennis Rodman in the middle of the night like, “Bro, let’s go hit up a pageant.” And he’s like, “I- I can’t man. She’s making me put together cabinet. I promised her a wall. I got to have dinner with China. I don’t like this.” Clearly, he’s not ready for this commitment. That’s why every time America brings up moving to DC, he’s like, “Yeah, babe. I think I’m gonna keep my place in New York.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Trump Tower and White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence which would cost tax payers tens of millions of dollars. But it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go night-night in his big boy bed.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

One thing I keep hearing all week was, “Can you believe Trump is doing this?” Yeah, it’s Trump. His whole platform was about how he’s not gonna be a normal president. The only real model we have from Trump presidency is the movie First Kid. But I’m just worried it might all end, less like First Kid and more like Independence Day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Major media outlets such as CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times have criticized Trump for walking back his more controversial campaign promises. But shouldn’t the media be encouraging him when he is moving in the right direction? I mean, maybe if you ran complimentary headlines, you could trick him into doing what you really want. For example, instead of the headline that says, “Trump breaks promise to lock up Hillary Clinton”, maybe try something more positive, like, “Heroic Trump saves grandma.” Or you could change, “Trump flip flops on repealing Obamacare” to “Generous Trump honors unemployed black man’s last wish.” You see, you’ll like that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mike Pence on Friday was ‘booed’ by the audience after seeing the Broadway hit Hamilton. Of course he was ‘booed.’ He’s the guy from Indiana who believes in gay conversion therapy. Visiting Broadway is how people from Indiana realized they’re gay.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a magazine with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson on front page at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People magazine’s sexiest man alive is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Yeah. He once again beat his long time rival Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson. [Picture changes to The Rock with mustache]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

I am so proud of that joke. [laughing]

Colin Jost: President Obama this week criticized the spread of fake news on social media. But can we really trust a guy who is also a secret gay alien? [picture changes to a fake news article as ‘Obama is secret gay alien’.]

[Picture changes to a millipede]

Scientists have discovered a species of millipede that have four of it’s legs modified to act as penises. And we actually have some footage of the millipede. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video of millipede walking. There’s edited sound of a man saying “ouch, ouch, ouch” when the millipede is walking.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New Balance logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Neo-nazi group has declared New Balance, the official shoes of white people. But if New Balances are the official shoes of white people, then what are crocs?

[Picture changes to a horse and a lion]

A man on an African safari fell off a horse while being chased by a lion. “Well, that was a close one”, said the horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of tinder logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The dating app tinder announced their new feature this week with give users 37 different gender identity options. It’s called, “Why democrats lost the election?”

The Bubble

[Starts with video clips of election rallies]

Male voice: The unthinkable has finally happened. Out nation torn, broken. [Cut to a couple watching TV looking worried]You could move to Canada, but you love your country. What can a person like you do?

Kyle Mooney: What if there was a place where the unthinkable didn’t happen? And life could continue for progressive Americans just as before?

Sasheer Zamata: Now, there is.

Female voice: Welcome to the bubble.

Sasheer Zamata: Coming in January 2017, the bubble is a planed community of like-minded free thinkers. And no one else!

Kyle Mooney: So, if you’re an openminded person, come here and close yourself in.

Female voice: In here, it’s like the election never happened.

Kyle Mooney: Well, who knows what the hell is happening outside in their America? The bubble will be a fully functioning city state.

Sasheer Zamata: With things everybody loves. Like, hybrid cars, used book stores, and small farms with rawest milk you’ve ever tasted.

[They are using a dollar bill that has Bernie Sanders’ picture on it.]

Kyle Mooney: That’s more likely. Even though you’re in the bubble, you’ll still stay connected to the world outside.

Sasheer Zamata: We’ve streamlined our high speed internet with onlythe good sites. Like, Huff Po, Daily Kos, Netflix documentaries about sushi rice and the explosive comedy of McSweeney’s.

Mikey: [reading something in laptop] Hmm, clever.

Sasheer Zamata: Need entertainment? The bubble has so much to do.

Kyle Mooney: Go to a bar and get engaged with a wider range of diverse view points. The bubble is a diverse community and safe space for everyone. We don’t see color here. But we celebrate it.

Female voice: And unlike the rest of America, anybody is welcome to join us. One bedroom apartment starting at $1.9million.

Sasheer Zamata: Planning is under way to give you everything you need.

Kyle Mooney: Except, police are firemen. Coz we haven’t found anyone who agreed to live here.

Sasheer Zamata: It’s their America now.

Kyle Mooney: We’ll be fine, right here in the bubble. Join us, starting in 2017.

Male voice: The bubble, it’s Brooklyn with a bubble on it.

Thanksgiving Parade

Nate… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Woody balloon… Mikey Day

Madeline balloon… Kristen Wiig

Clown balloon… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with short video clip of Macy’s parade]

[Cut to Nate with his friends at an apartment. There are two kids playing.]

Nate: So, does this beat thanksgiving in Pennsylvania or what?

Kyle: You know, it’s really nice. Thanks again for having us.

Nate: Hey, when my baby brother says Rugrats want to come to Unkie Nate’s apartment and see the parade balloons up close, I answered with a resounding, “No, prob.” But seriously, how about this pad, huh? Damn! Would you kill for this place or what?

Vanessa: It’s really something, Nate. I don’t even want to know how much you paid for this place.

Nate: And… I don’t wanna tell you. [laughing] But it’s $28,500 a month.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Alright, that’s enough, Nate!

Nate: Oh, look who finally decided to join the living? Sleep well, Tess?

Cecily: You know what? It’s just too early for like, the full ‘Nate’ right now. Okay? [to the kids] Hey you guys, did I miss the balloons?

Vanessa: Oh, no. I think they’re starting now.

Kyle: [to the kids] Ooh, guys, hey look. It’s Woody from Toy Story.

[Woody balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh, my gosh. Look, you guys. Oh, wow, he’s right there. Say hi to Woody, kids. Oh, my god. Hey, this is so incredible.

Nate: I know, right? It’s even got steam shower.

Cecily: She’s not talking about the apartment, Nate.

Nate: She should be, it’s sick.

Vanessa: Oh, look! I think another balloon is coming.

Kyle: Oh, yes. it’s Madeline.

[Madeline balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh my gosh! She’s my favorite. You guys, I used to love those books.

[the balloon turns toward them]

Kyle: Hi! Guys! Hi, Madeline.

Vanessa: Hi. Um, is she getting closer?

Kyle: Yeah, um, you know what? It’s probably just the wind.

Vanessa: Um, does that normally happen, Nate?

Nate: I don’t know. I usually go to the Islands for thanksgivings, but um… [gets scared of the balloon as it’s too close] Whow!

Kyle: It’s okay, kids. It’s just a little windy and that makes it hard for the people on the ground to control the balloons.

[Madeline balloon passes. A clown ballon comes in.]

Nate: Oh my god! Oh, no!

Vanessa: Ah! It’s horrifying.

Kyle: It’s just one of those vintage balloon. Vintage balloons, they’re bringing back this year, guys.

Vanessa: I don’t know if I like seeing the balloons so close.

[Woody balloon and Madeline balloon also comes in]

Kyle: Wait, it seem to be sort of… they’re bunching up together. What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah. Yeah. I see the hold up. Kristen Chenoweth is singing some sort of song down there.

Vanessa: Oh, okay, let’s go by uncle Nate. Maybe you can see better. Okay? Let’s go right over here.

[Vanessa pulls their kids to another corner. As they move, the balloons turn their heads wherever they’re moving.]

Are they following us?

Cecily: Alright, um, yap. Yap, they’re definitely following us.

Vanessa: Honey, the kids are scared. Can you–

Kyle: Yes. Yes. Of course. I know they’re kind of scary up close, okay? But there is nothing to be afraid of.

Vanessa: Why don’t these balloons just leave.

[The other balloons are gone. But now, there’s a girl in Madeline balloons hand.]

Is that stupid song done yet?

Nate: Oh, man! Somebody got tangled up in Madeline’s cables.

[The girl is screaming]

Cecily: Oh my god! Is that Kristen Chenoweth?

Vanessa: Oh, that poor woman. She is so small.

Kyle: Kids, kids, Kristen Chenoweth is going to be fine. Okay?

[Kristen Chenoweth falls]

Okay, you know. Um, let’s go. Let’s go to bedroom and watch TV. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Nate: So much for defying gravity.

Cecily: Nate!

[Woody balloon and clown balloon are tangled together like they’re having sex.]

Nate: What the hell is happening.

[The End]

Target Commercial

[Target commercial for Thanksgiving starts]

Female voice: It’s thanksgiving, and as always, Target has your whole family covered. Whether you need festive home decor, last minute bakeware, or even a turkey. And if you’re home for the first time since the election, Target’s got what you need the most. A big empty parking lot you can just come sit in for a sec.

[A woman pulls over at the parking lot and takes a deep breath.]

With over 500 beautiful empty spots as far as the eye can see, Target’s parking lot is the perfect place to stare out, band your head on your steering wheel, or text a friend “I honestly can’t with them today.” You can even put your seat all the way flat and then put it back up again. That took a couple of seconds. Or turn off your car’s ignition and just look at your breath for a while. And while you’re there, why not make eye contact with a stranger in another car? And without either of you saying a word, communicate the entire story of your day.

Wanna kill more time? Head inside. You can wander at clothes Aisle and think to yourself, “Oh, yeah, Masimo.” Plop down by our bras and add random numbers on your calculator. Or go to our toy section and just lay down back there. And here’s a tip, check out the play dough.  Open the blue one, and surprise, we hid a flask in there for you. Bottoms up, girl. You deserve it. So this thanksgiving, tell your parents you’re going to brag something from Target real quick, come kick it, then go home and tell them they didn’t have it. It’ll be our little secret. Target. Buy yourself some time.

Target staff: You do have to pay for all this, though.

Woman: What?

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

[cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.

[buzzer]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.