Tag: Alex Moffat

Day of the Dorks | Season 44 Episode 8

Trip… Mikey Day

Beef… Jason Momoa

… Beck Bennett

… Kenan Thopmson

… Alex Moffat

… Chris Redd

Finnegan…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: You’re watching TVS. And now back to the 1985 campus comedy “Day Of The Dorks”.

[Cut to six students in a well furnished room]

Trip: I’ve had it with these dorks! First they ruin our homecoming party with their dump pranks and now they’re beating us in the Greek Week Olympiad! [Cut to Trip] We’re Sigma Theta. We can’t lose to a bunch of dorks!

Beef:  [Cut to Beef] I hate dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] We all do, Beef. That’s why we need to get rid of them once and for all.

Beck: [Cut to Beck] No one makes fools of Sigma Theta, especially not a bunch of dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef]Dorks!

Beck: They win one more event [Cut to Chris, Alex, Beck and Kenan] at Greek Week, they’ll get to move in to our frat house.

Kenan: [Kenan stands] Man, this house belongs to us. Not those dang dorks!

Beef: [Cut to Beef breaking the chair out of anger] Dorks.

Trip: [Cut to everybody] Yeah! All right! Yeah! Also, take it easy on our furniture, [Cut to Trip] Beef. Alright, we have to pay for that stuff man. Good news, gentlemen, is that I have a way to stop the dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Kill the dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] Not that, Beef. But I do think I have a way to kill their pathetic excuse for a frat.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] With a knife?

Trip: [Cut to Trip] All right. Stop with that stuff, please, Beef. It’s freaking me out. Now, what does the dean hate most?

Beef: [Cut to Beef, acting happy] Dorks!

Trip: [Cut to Trip] No, cheating. And what happens to a frat caught cheating during Greek Week?

Beef: [Cut to Beef] They die!

Beck: [Cut to Beck] Beef, please listen. alright? Trip is hatching a plan.

Kenan: [Cut to Alex and Kenan] Trip, the dorks won’t cheat, man. Not only are dorks fair, they’re clever. And they know it.

Alex: Just thinking of the smug faces on those dorks. Oh, god!

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Dork faces! [Beef gets angry, screams, runs to the foosball and breaks it]

[Cut to everybody]

Trip: Beef, man! Why did you do that? [Cut to Beef and Trip] That was a gift from the alumni!

Beef: Because Beef hates dorks!

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] We know but we all really liked and use that foosball table a lot.

Beck: Beef, we love how much you hate dorks. And we all admire your passion [Cut to everybody] but wrecking stuff we use doesn’t help.

Chris: Yeah, maybe grab a pen and jot down notes on like, what you’re going to do to help to get rid of these dorks. That would help a lot.

Beef: Beef can’t write.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] Oh, Beef, really? You have been in college for eight years, man. How do you not know how to write?

Beef: [Cut to Beef and Trip] Because of dorks.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] I don’t know Beef. I feel like that’s on you, man.

Beck: [Beck goes to Beef, tells him to go outside. Beef goes outside] Alright, make them drink from the hose. Right? I’ll tell you about the plan after. I love Beef, but what’s his deal? Have any of you ever met his parents? How is he paying for an Ivy League School?

Trip: I don’t know. What matters right now is getting rid of the dorks. [Trip walks towards the other door] Now, as you all know, my father has a great deal of money. [Beef is drinking water from the pipe outside the window, looking inside] And every dork has his price. Guys, meet Finnegan. [Finnegan comes inside the room] My dork on the inside.

Finnegan: Gentlemen, as a dork myself, I can tell you— [Looks at Beef outside the window] I’m sorry, is he okay?

Beef: [Beef is angry looking at Finnegan] Dork!

Trip: Yeah, he’s fine, [Trip closes the curtains to the window] he’s fine. Alright, Finnegan, please continue.

Finnegan: Okay. Well, [Cut to Finnegan] if there’s one thing we dorks love more than computers, it’s girls. If you jocks can help me get a girlfriend—[Beef breaks the wall and pulls Finnegan out through the wall]

Beef: Dorks! Dorks!

[Playing outro]

Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks]

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]

Voter Fraud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 6

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Marcia Fudge … Leslie Jones

[Ingraham Angle news intro]

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set] Thank you and hello again. I’m Laura Ingraham, and you’re watching ‘The Ingraham Angle’ which re-airs on Telemundo as ‘La Madre Del Diablo.’ Later in the program celebrities in California are whining about some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under constant attack from the rain. And we’ll have a tribute to Thanks Giving, the one day of a year when your all right uncle can really shine. But first, let’s talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed Democrats to literally steal the election. Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the Republican party, but doesn’t it feel more true that all Hispanics voted twice? You can’t dismiss that idea simply because it isn’t true and sounds insane. In fact, let’s add that to our list of feel facts [Cut to Picture graph on Feel Facts] which aren’t technically facts, but they just feel true. Like, Latinos can have a baby every three months. Santa is Jesus’s dad. If the earth is so warm then why are my feet cold? Blackface is a compliment. If you have less than five guns, you’re a gay.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is Pulitzer Prize eligible judge Jenine Pirro.

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] I hate them, Laura!

Laura: Who?

Jenine: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen] I’m sorry. That’s my vocal warm up.

Laura: Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you uncovered?

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order to vote multiple times. For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta. [Cut to Picture of a Black male] Then he went into his car and changed into this woman. [Cut to Same black male dressed as a woman] And [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling “Hellur.”

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen]Very disturbing.

Jenine: And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call stacking where multiple children will stack on top of each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Laura: Wow, fantastic journalism Janine.

Jenine: Duh!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors, the few remaining businesses that are willing to be associated with me. Starting with Fashion Catheters. Got poor control but great style. Fashion Catheters. Now with genuine Swarovski Crystals, ouch! And is your dog still not baptized? Then order Reverend Whitaker’s home dog baptism kit. Because all dogs don’t go to heaven unless they’re properly baptized. And of course, Undersea Airlines. Need to get into the ocean fast? This airline will make sure it happens. The only planes that start on fire. And only want the healthy part of the egg? Try Whites Only. It’s egg whites, and it’s just for us.

Alright, my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates. Please welcome Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] Hey Laura. It’s great to be here. Smile, two, three, four.

Laura: Mark, are you comfortable? [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Why are you holding your arms like that?

Mark: Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Mark, what about the story that Facebook hired the same PR firm that did a vicious smear camping against billionaire George Soros seen here in the Fox News photo. [Cut to Picture of a creature from a Netflix show] Did you know that[Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] they were behind that campaign?

Mark: Absolutely not, Laura. Blink twice and eyeballs. [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] The idea we knowingly employed a horrible company makes me laugh, ha, ha, ha.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Good job. People say my laugh is chilling. And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become more transparent?

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] I can’t be any more transparent. Have you seen my skin? Ha, ha, ha. If I were more transparent, I would be clear. Seriously, I kid. I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money. What? Ha, ha, dab, dab.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] Yikes for that. Thank you, Mark. [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Democrats will soon be deciding who’s going to be the speaker of the house. Here to comment is diverse Congresswoman from Ohio. Please welcome representative Marcia Fudge.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Hi, Laura. I’m sorry. Did you refer to me as diverse?

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Probably not. Now, Congresswoman fudge, you’re challenging Nancy Pelosi for speaker of the house. Why do you think Nancy Pelosi has to go?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Nancy Pelosi is tainted. For years the GOP has used her name against us. But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me, a middle-aged black woman named Fudge.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Funny. And do you think Nancy Pelosi, seen here in the recent documentary about her, “The nun,” [Cut to Poster picture of the movie ‘The Nun’] do you think she’ll give up the chance to be speaker of the house?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Look, I love Nancy Pelosi, and I’m not saying she’s old, but her baby sister is a redwood tree. When she started her title was ‘Speaker Of the Cave.’ Somebody give me a microphone. That bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said, “The first girl!” She just calls the old testament, the testament. She’s so old; her birthstone is Rosetta!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Okay. I think we understand, Marcia.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Okay. I’m done. And the other reason I should be speaker is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Uh-oh. The phrase ‘mobilize the black vote’ has set off our fire, Fox News ‘The country is changing’ alarms. Marcia, what do you think of that?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] I think that you’re lucky we in a remote interview because if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of you.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Well, alright, let’s take a break and hear from our sponsors. Like Teeny Tiny Turkey. Have you alienated everyone in your life? Have thanksgiving for one with the Teeny Tiny Turkey. We swear it ain’t a pigeon. And Cash for Organs. You don’t need all those organs. Plus, Volkswagen: You know why. And finally, it’s White Chess where all the pieces are white, and everybody wins. When we come back, part two of my interview with the self-proclaimed vape god, a real person I had on my show.

Vape God: [Cut to Pete Davidson as a Vape god] Y’all what up. I’m ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] And you’re not trolling me, right? You’re a real expert on E-cig laws?

Vape God: Oh for sure. I got that swag. I got that drip.

Laura: And our producers have fully vetted you? Because we bumped Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to speak with you.

Vape God: [Cut to Vape God speaking] Then you made the right choice. My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] This is great! Now, finally, a Millennial who’s speaking my language. Much more with that gentleman. When we return.

Vape God: I’ll have my dong out.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] I can’t wait. It sounds goo and live from New York; it’s Saturday Night.

 

Space Station Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 6

Captain Ed McGovern….Steve Carell

Lieutenant Becker….Leslie Jones

Lieutenant Sussman….Mikey Day

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut)….Ego Nwodim

Teacher Hailey (Tillman Middle School, Wyoming)….Aidy Bryant

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio)….Alex Moffat

Frozen Astronaut…Kate McKinnon

[Intro of NASA Television]

Captain Ed McGovern: [Cut to Sussman, Becker, and Ed] Hello, earthlings and happy space day. Captain Ed McGovern broadcasting live from the international space station to over 5,000 K through 8 science classrooms across the U.S.A. As I am joined by Lieutenant Sussman and Becker.

Lieutenant Sussman: Hi.

Lieutenant Becker: Hey!

Captain Ed McGovern: There’s also some Russian cosmonauts on board. It’s a party up here. Get back to work, bums.

Lieutenant Sussman: Okay. Bye-bye. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: I can’t wait to answer some of your questions about space and science. Let’s start with Paulson Middle School in Connecticut.

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut): [A student appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, what kind of experiments are you doing up there?

Captain Ed McGovern: Great question. We are actually studying how animals adapt to space, and we have funny monkey friends up here helping us out. Thanks for your question, star student. Okay, next. [Sound of a blast] God, mother of god. Oh, what happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman comes in the screen] Sorry about that.

Captain Ed McGovern: What happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: There was an airlock breach in the bio lab. Got a little chilly in there but everything is fine now.

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Sussman: What’s up?

Captain Ed McGovern: Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker comes in the screen] I need you right now.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yep. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: Well, I Apollo-gize about that. Let’s get back to questions. How about Tillman Middle School in Laramie, Wyoming.

Teacher Hailey: [Hailey appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, this is Haley like the comet and like Eminem’s daughter. Um, how big is the space station?

Captain Ed McGovern: That is a great question. It’s about 32,000 square feet. Down this way, there is a long corridor [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] that winds into several works and living stations. [Sussman takes away the monkey] It’s kind of like a floating hamster habitat. Thanks, Haley, make sure that you comet to your studies. Now, let’s go to Orchard Middle School in Ohio.

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio): [Teacher appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, I’m a teacher. My students and I wanted to ask how you guys make food up there, but we’d like to change our question too, is that frozen monkey okay?

Captain Ed McGovern: What monkey? [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] Oh. OH! This little guy, it’s Capooka. What are you doing? Yikes, he is cold! Wave hello, to everyone. [Ed tries to wave monkey’s hand but the hand breaks] Oh my god! Oh, god! No, no, no, no. [Sussman takes away that monkey] Okay, goodbye. Capooka! Teacher’s out there if you can mute your classroom TV for just a sec while I attend to some space business, that would be great. So, hit mute now. Sussman, what’s going on with the monkeys?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman stands into the screen] Yes, they all froze.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, Ki Chi?

Lieutenant Sussman: Yeah, Ki Chi hit a wall and shattered.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, and the cat?

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, the cat is weird. The pressure change caused its face to kind of like suck into itself. Good news is though; he’s alive.

Captain Ed McGovern: That’s not good news! There’s a cat with no face floating around! How bad is it down there?

Lieutenant Sussman: Come, look. [Ed and Sussman go down][Cat with the face looking like a butt hole floats into the screen]

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears on the screen] Cat ain’t got no damn face. [Becker leaves]

Lieutenant Sussman: [Ed and Sussman come again] So what do you want me to do?

Captain Ed McGovern: Just go seal off node three and try to find Svetlana.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yes, sir. [Sussman leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, god! Be aware of your feet, please. Your shoes touched my mouth. Okay. Welcome back. Hey, here’s a fun fact. We are 234 miles above the Earth’s surface. And the view isn’t half bad. Come closer here. Look at that beautiful blue marble Coldef. Isn’t that spect—[Frozon human floats outside of the space ship] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Svetlana! Oh, hey kids, don’t worry. That cosmonaut is fine. The Russians are used to being cold. Sussman, get on the crane. [Sussman comes and controls the arm of the spaceship]

Lieutenant Sussman: She’s so frozen, she might break.

Captain Ed McGovern: So don’t say that, please. Now, kids, what Lieutenant Sussman is doing is trying to give her just a little nudge back towards the hatch.

Lieutenant Sussman: If I do bring her in, it’ll be in pieces.

Captain Ed McGovern: Try harder, and please don’t say that.

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears nodding her head] I’m sorry, kids, this is a bad day for space. [Becker leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Who wants to hear a space joke? What is an astronaut’s favorite drink? A root beer float!

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, my god, she’s breaking like a saltine.

Captain Ed McGovern: Will you cut the god damn feed!

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ]

[ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ]

[ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Weekend Update: Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on the Mid-Term Elections | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Eric.….Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr…….Mikey Day

[Starting the news with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, with midterm elections a little over a month away, many Republicans are turning to the Trump name to help bolster their campaigns. Here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Camera slides to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, Colin. It’s good to be back here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals. Haha… [Eric leans towards Colin laughing] Okay, that’s

Colin Jost: How were your summers, guys?

Donald Trump Jr.: Ooh, busy. For me it was running the Trump Organization, breaking ground on a new Trump Property–

Eric: And I had swim lessons.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Someone got his ducky badge.

[Cut to Eric showing his ducky badge under his jacket collar]

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Eric very proud]

No longer a tadpole bud. But midterms– midterms are next month, and that’s why my father has called for all Trump hands on deck. He asked me to stump for Republicans on the campaign drill.

Eric: And he asked me not to do that.

[Mimicking President Donal Trump] “Stay home, Eric.”

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, that’s right bud. You get to stay home and watch all the action on TV. Right? Fist bump, blow it up. Boom.

Eric: Ah! [Scared]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh. It’s not a real explosion, just made a noise with my mouth. All right buddy? [Eric looks at Donald’s hand in a distrustful manner] It’s not magic in any way. It’s just a fist bud. Look, my father’s confident that supposed blue wave isn’t making landfall anytime soon, which I’m sure makes everyone sad here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals– I’m sorry I’m teasing. [Cut to Eric, Donald, and Colin] I had to do it again. What do you do? Hey, we’re on fire. Maybe we should take over for Jost and Che buddy. I got some jokes I can tell.

Eric: Me too. What do the gay black jews–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, don’t tell them. No! You can’t tell that joke.

Eric: But dad does.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he does not. No, he does not.

Eric: Yeah. He does. And he does all the voices.

Donald Trump Jr.: Respectfully. He does a very respectful gay voice.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] I’m sure, yes. Now this week, the New York Times reported that President Trump set up Sham Corporations to disguise millions in gifts from his father to avoid taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: Look, okay, yes. [Cut to Eric and Donald] Our grandfather gave our father gifts over the years, but it wasn’t to avoid taxes. It was to–

Eric: Evade taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: No Eric. You want to play with your puppet? Got him a puppet. Here you go bud.

Colin: Oh, that’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play with that. Collin, when the left is backed into a corner– don’t just stare at it. Don’t know how a puppet works? Look! Look, put your hand in here, right? Then you can make the mouth move. Look, [speaking as the puppet] “Hello Eric, I’m King funny face.”

Eric: Damn, he knows my name.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Yes. Everyone knows Eric’s name. He’s such a good boy.

Eric: Where do you live?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh, I live in a castle.

Eric: I live in a tower.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh.

Eric: King, can I ask you a question?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Um-hmm.

Eric: What did the gay black jew–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, okay. We’re done. Thank you, pal.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] Eric and Donald Trump Jr. everyone. Thank you so much.

Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe: Season 44 Episode 3

Mary Anne Conroe…..Aidy Bryant

Bayou Benny…..Beck Bennett

Seth Meyers…..Seth Meyers

Taylor Swift…..Heidi Gardner

Chili Pepper with Sunglasses…..Kate McKinnon

Giant Biscuit…..Alex Moffat

[ Opening image reads “AOC Public Access Lafayette LA” ]

Voiceover: You’re watching AOC Public Access Lafayette Louisiana. Coming up next is Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe.

[ Cut to intro for Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe which has the title and an alligator in front of a swamp scenery. ]

[ Cut to Mary Anne sitting with a beer can and a glass of beer. ]

Mary Anne: Oh hey there! I’m Mary Anne Conroe. And ‘dis be the Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe. The number one most progressive panel show south of the Atchafalaya base. Let’s get the hootin’ and the hollerin’ for the little crawdaddy that gonna turn these red states blue. It’s Bayou Benny!

[ Cut to Benny Bayou. ]

Benny: Aw, hey there, now how Y’all be doing that there, that now, that Y’all be doing that now here, huh? Okay, good, good. Welcome back now to the liberal lagniappe. My name Bayou Benny and this week’s sponsors of the show be ANTIFA. [ Cut to black screen with ANTIFA logo and the words that Benny says next. ] ‘ANTIFA We angrier den a box of ghosts what been trapped in dat dare box by a witch!’ [ Cut back to Benny. ] Okay, now got a lot of the liberal agenda to get through today. Let’s meet that dare panel. She’s the southern liberal I called who don’t spoke on some of that lecture for the rocky top state of Tennessee, it’s da Taylor Swift.

[ Cut to Taylor Swift. ]

Taylor: [ She gives peace signs on both her hands. ] Hi Y’all. People decided they liked me again.

Benny: [ He gives a loud chuckle. ] Okay now, our next panelist here done graduate a magna cum laude from dat done Toulon University. And is the best damn friend dare I done have. Please welcome da awnry gator dat done be sleeping under my house.

[ Cut to an alligator that’s the size of a man. ]

Benny: And our ‘herd panelist there, for this here show that we been doin’ now on here be our Chief White House Correspondent here at the Liberal Lagniappe, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the chilli pepper with da sunglas ses.

[ Cut to a giant chili pepper with sunglasses. ]

Chili Pepper: Thanks so much for having me Benny, I’m looking forward to meeting for dialogue.

Benny: Ha, ha. Me too, me too Chili Pepper. And our final panelist on this here show here be the host of the Late Night with Seth Meyers. It’s da, Seff Meyers.

[ Cut to Seth Meyers. ]

Seth: What is this?

[ Benny and the panelists are seated together at a table. ]

Benny: Oh you know what it is. You’re on the Liberal Lagniappe. Now what you dawn done right now bout that right now dare now done now, you here?

Seth: Yes?

Benny: [ Benny chuckles loudly. ] Now what you think about the big ol’ news of the day?

Seth: What’s the big ol’ news of the day?

Benny: Oh yes sir.

Seth: [ He looks confused. ] I guess…I don’t know. Trump’s comments about Brett Kavanaugh are pretty outlandish. I mean to say he was proven innocence is just down right false.

Chili Pepper: Now I have to agree.

Taylor: Yeah, way out of line.

[ The alligator makes a whooshing growling sound in agreement. ]

Chili Pepper: Exactly. And what about Trump saying Democrats are too dangerous to govern?

Taylor: Ahh, don’t even get me started.

Yeah, it’s wild to see Republicans politicize the Supreme Court like this. It kind of undermines the entire institution.

[ A siren goes off and a red light flashes. ]

Benny: Oh, ohhh. Now dat dare’s one spicy little dank there Mr. Meyers. You know what that means?

Seth: Uh? That I’m insightful and socially conscious?

Benny: Uh uhh, no, it’s means that you got to wrestle with this here big ol’ biscuit.

[ A man in a giant biscuit costume comes out wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Seth: Oh, oh okay, so I think I’m getting it. You guys are all liberal?

Benny: Oh, that’s right!

Seth: And that’s why you want me to wrestle the maga biscuit.

Benny: Oh, yes sir.

Seth: Well, I’m not gonna wrestle the biscuit.

Benny: Well, that’s your decision then.

Biscuit: I guess I’ll just go den…

[ Mary Anne comes over to the biscuit with a broom and sweeps him out of the room. The Biscuit man looks sad and runs off. ]

Mary Anne: Go on, get outta here Biscuit!

Benny: Get on outta here Biscuit! Nobody want ya!

Mary Anne: Get outta here!!!

Benny: Go on back to your pan, you biscuit!!! Dang done biscuit!! Woo! Well folks, since we done be wrapping things up here at the liberal lagniappe, I think it’s time we took a da closer look at dis here.

[ Cut to title screen that reads: ‘Do Closer Look At Dis Here.’ ]

Benny: Oh. Now here now, see now here, since that there big ol’ possum with a toothache, Mr. Trump done gone lost dat dare lady UN ambassador. Seth, who dat gone be next dat you gone done think gonna take over that post?

Seth: I’m sorry, I could not understand a word that you are saying.

Benny: Seth, who dat gone be next that you think gone take over that there post?

Seth: Are you asking a question? I can’t tell.

[ Benny gasps for air. ]

Benny: The lady UN ambassador.

Seth: Nikki Haley, yes.

Benny: She done gone flew out dat dere White House like a cat lick late for sin practice, huh?

Seth: I genuinely don’t know what you mean by that.

Benny: [ He sighs. ] She done dem take dem feet she got and she put da one in front of da other…guh-dunk-a-dunk, guh-dunk-a-dunk. And den walked up dat whole body dare and put it up dem dare right out da White House. Huh?

Seth: What, I mean…you’re saying she resigned? Yeah.

Benny: And dat’s our show dare folks. Y’all have a good night now. And tune in next week when James Carville gonna eat a whole rubber. Okay, see you den.

Trees: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Chris Redd

…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Bro Sir…..Beck Bennett

Doctor…..Alex Moffat

[ Scene opens with a sign that says, ‘Help the Trees.’ The camera pans to Chris Redd and Pete Davidson standing with two other men; they are dressed like Hip Hop performers. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey excuse me, Mr. Bro Sir.

[ Mr. Bro Sir approaches the men on the street. ] You have time to talk about the environment?

PETE DAVIDSON: Trees!

CHRIS REDD: Climate change!

Mr. Bro Sir: Oh, no.

[ Chris takes off his sunglasses. ]

CHRIS REDD: What you mean ‘no’?

Mr. Bro Sir: I just don’t believe in that garbage.

CHRIS REDD: Yo, bag this fool, man. Get the car. [ One of the other men with Chris and Pete put a black bag over Mr. Bro Sir’s head. Yeah, let’s get him in the car. [ The men push Mr. Bro Sir into their car.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete’s music video with the tite: “Trees” on the screen. Chris and Pete aren’t wearing shirts and their bouncing around while rapping. They are in a forest setting dancing around large Oak trees. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees. Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees.

Chris: Make that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree. Ay. Ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen. Breathe!

Pete: Y’all know me. Puffin’ that OG. Young VIPs. Can’t get a job, cause I smoke too much weed. But you’re full of THC okay.

[ Chris stops the video to interrupt Pete’s flow. They are standing in front of a large tree. ]

CHRIS REDD: Okay, hey, hey, yeah. Pete, you talking about the wrong trees, fam.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hm?

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, uh. We talking about, like, environmental trees. Like, the planet.

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh. Okay, cool.

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, focus on words towards that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Alright.

CHRIS REDD: You know what I’m saying. Yeah. So, whenever you want to do that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, give me a second.

CHRIS REDD: Alright.

PETE DAVIDSON: I worked really hard on the other verse.

CHRIS REDD: Create, my dude.

PETE DAVIDSON: I thought this was a weed song.

CHRIS REDD: Create.

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you so dressed up anyway? We’re playing ourselves.

CHRIS REDD: I like character work.

PETE DAVIDSON: Okay, how about something like, uh…I put my green thumb in a brown hole.

CHRIS REDD: Oh alright, I don’t know which hole, but I like..

PETE DAVIDSON: Something, something about clean coal.

[ The musics tarts again and they continue to rap. ]

Chris: Let’s go!

[ Cut to a poker game in a shed. Multiple photos of Al Gore are shown. ]

Pete: Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Almost President, Al Gore. Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Should’ve been President Al Gore. [ Cut to Pete and Chris standing in front of a tree with Al Gore’s face carved in it. ] Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gorrrrre. Now is not a word anymore.

Chris: Yeah, my ni-[ bleep]-ga Pete.

Pete: Oh yeah and I love the Trees.

[ Cut back to Chris and Pete dancing around trees. This time there is also a man in a tree costume dancing with them. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be lovin these trees. Lovin these trees. Trees. Bitch I was born in a tree, right under a tree.

Chris: Plant them in a hole. Water them. Wait for a minute. Wait a couple days and water them again. Go to sleep, wake up. Mmmm, nothing! God damn, trees take a long time. Water them, read a magazine, and I still got nothing. Do I got bad dirt? Huh? I don’t know! Somebody tell me.

[ Music stops. Cut to Chris and Pete dragging Mr. Bro Sir into a Dr.’s office. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey, yo, tree doctor! Tell this man, climate change is real.

[ Chris throws Mr. Bro Sir to the ground in front of an approaching doctor. Mr. Bro Sir makes a grunting noise. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

Doctor: Guys, again, I am a medical doctor.

CHRIS REDD: Good for you.

Doctor: You can’t keep kidnapping people and bringing them here while I’m trying to save lives.

[ Chris pulls out a stack of fliers and hands them to the doctor. ]

CHRIS REDD: Yo, what you need to be doing, is saving these trees, homie. Alright, you can take all of them.

PETE DAVIDSON: Spread that word, yo.

Doctor: So many fliers. Look fellas, I get it and I agree. But this is the trauma center.

PETE DAVIDSON: Word.

Doctor: So you’re saying all this in the wrong place.

PETE DAVIDSON: So, y’all don’t have any trees.

Doctor: Not to mention, that the changes that we need to make include a lot more than trees.

CHRIS REDD: Oh damn.

Doctor: It’s increasing electric car use.

PETE DAVIDSON: Be quiet.

CHRIS REDD: Shhh.

Doctor: Buying locally sourced foods.

PETE DAVIDSON: Postmates.

CHRIS REDD: Everyday.

Doctor: Taking planes less, and trains and cars, more.

PETE DAVIDSON: Like John Candy.

CHRIS REDD: Uncle Buck.

Doctor: And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

CHRIS REDD: Word, word, word, word, just the tip. Got it. Yeah, but you can agree that more trees isn’t a bad thing. Right?

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right?

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right tho?

Doctor: [ Sighs. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right?

Doctor: I mean, shore.

Chris & Pete: Dope!

[ Cut back to the music video, “Trees”. Chris and Pete are rapping in the hallway fo the doctor’s office and club lights turn on. The doctors are freak dancing on the other side of the hallway. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees! Yo, you know we be lovin’ our trees. Lovin’ our trees. Trees! Trees with the branches and leaves. Branches and leaves. [ Pete pops a champagne bottle and sprays the champagne in the hallway with Chris and the doctors dancing behind him. ] MAke that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete dancing with a large tree bending side to side between them. ]

Chris: Ay, ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen, breathe.

Pete: Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete holding their hands around a flower that is blooming. The sunflower blooms to reveal an image of Al Gore giving a thumbs up in the center of it. ]

Chris & Pete: You all need trees. Trees.

A Frightening Tale: Season 44 Episode 3

Eric: …..Beck Bennett

Man…..Alex Moffat

Brandon…..Seth Meyers

Woman 1…..Heidi Gardner

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Connor…..Kyle Mooney

[ There is a campfire with marshmallows roasting on a stick. The screen reads, ‘A Frightening Tale’ in bloody red letters as a deep creepy voice says, “A frightening tale”. ]

[ Five people sit in the dark around a campfire in the woods. A couple of them are roasting marshmallows.]

Eric: It’s the man with the claw!!!

Woman 1: Ahhhhhhh!

Eric: Ha ha ha.

Woman 2: Man, I can’t believe scary stories still work on me.

Woman 1: What about you Brandon? Do you got any good ones?

Brandon: Maybe we should just, turn in.

Man: Oh come on, man.

Woman 1: It’d be very nice to hear a story if you got one, Brandon.

Brandon: Fine. You want to be scared? I got a story. Only thing is it’s not a story. It’s real. And it happened to me. About two years ago, when I was still at the ad agency. I got a call from my dad.

Eric: What’d he say say?

Brandon: He asked me if I could get a coffee, with his friend’s son.

Man: Well, that’s no big deal. Right?

Brandon: A 22-year old, recent college grad, and aspiring filmmaker.

[ Everyone around the campfire listening to Brandon screams. ]

Woman 1: So did you do it?

Brandon: Yep. His name was Connor. And he had a lot to say.

[ Cut to the coffee shop where Brandon is sitting with Connor. ]

Connor: What’s with movies these days? Everything is just a reboot, franchise, or sequel? Hollywood has no original ideas. It’s always guy meets girl. Girl dumps guy. Guy gets back with girl. That’s why when I make my movies, things are actually going to be different. Trust me.

Brandon: Right.

[ Cut back to the campfire circle. ]

Eric: So his take was that basic?

Brandon: Exactly. But like he was the first person who ever said it.

Woman 2: How long were you there?

Brandon: Two and a half hours. He really wanted to break down the state of the industry.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: CGI. Since when is every movie based on a video game? Or a frickin’ roller coaster. It’s like ‘Hello Hollywood, can you actually make something about real people?’ That’s why for my movies they should have a warning that plays before it that says ‘This movie might actually make you think’. I really like talking to you.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman 2 is crying with her face in her hands. ]

Eric: Hold on, this is crazy! He had a backup plan, right?

Brandon: No, just film.

Woman 2: Did he have any ideas? Like did he tell what his movies were going to be about?

Brandon: Oh yeah. He had an idea.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Dude, this should be a movie. Just like you and me talking about movies. That’s what real life is.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Eric screams. ]

Woman 1: Then you left, right?

Brandon: I tried. But that’s when he said, man….

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Hey, cool if I get your number?

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman is flailing her arms. ]

Woman 1: STOP!

Woman 2: Did he ever call you?

Brandon: No. No, no, no. He texted. [ He pulls out his cell phone to reveal a full page of texts from Connor. ]

Voiceover of Connor: 3D, dude, hurts my eyes. [ The people around the campfire start screaming. The man vomits. ] Dammit, popcorn’s so expensive. Kinda feels like TV is the new movies. [ Brandon starts scrolling through the texts with his finger. ] Happy Thanksgiving brother.

Woman 1: There are so many!

Eric: But he has to leave you alone eventually, right? He can’t just keep texting you and trying to pick your brain forever?

Brandon: No, he stays with me. Unless I can introduce him to someone else he can talk to. That’s how the curse works.

Eric: You’re not gonna do that, right?

Brandon: I’m so sorry.

Eric: No! [ A hand reaches down onto Eric’s shoulder. ]

[ Connor is now standing behind Eric at the campfire. ]

Connor: Hey, man, Eric. Right? You remember my podcast? We talked about classic Hollywood film.

Eric: Noooooooo!

Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ]

[ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!