Tag: Alex Moffat

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Kool-Aid | Season 44 Episode 10

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Kool-Aid commercial. Kyle and Chris walk inside the house. They are wearing Lakers jersey]

Kyle: Doing sports together is awesome.

Chris: Totally, I’m thirsty.

[Red giant Jar Kool-Aid breaks the wall and comes in]

[Cut to the Jar]

Jar: Oh, yeah.

Kyle: Whoa! [Cut to Kyle] He just burst through the wall.

[Cut to the Jar]

Jar: Who’s thirsty for some Kool-Aid?

[Cut to the Chris]

Chris: I am.

[Cut to the Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah.

[Cut to Jar, Chris and Kyle]

Jar: Slap me some skin. [They have high-fives] Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Kyle and Chris]

Kyle: I want to be like Kool-Aid.

Chris: I want to be like Kool-Aid.

[Cut to Jar with his thumbs up.]

Narrator: Is this a Kool-Aid man? [Cut to TV playing Kool-Aid commercial] Oh, yeah. More like oh, no. We can’t laugh it off.

[Cut to three kids on a couch watching TV]

Kids: We don’t even want Kool-Aid.

[Cut to TV playing the Kool-Aid commercial, red jar breaking the ceiling, wall and everything to come in]

Narrator: Its time for us to set a better example.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner giving her presentation in the meeting hall]

Heidi: All our cost by 60%.

[Alex Moffat in red suit breaks the door and comes in with a jar of Kool-Aid in his one hand]

Alex: Oh yeah!

[Cut to people in the meeting cheering at Alex]

Narrator: It’s been going on far too long.

[Cut to Beck in his read outfit walking][Cut to across the street two men are carrying a glass slab][Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh yeah.

[Beck starts to run towards the glass slab to break it]

[Cut to a kid breaking a playhouse]

Kid: Oh yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin: You tell them, son. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Kid. Kid kicks a wall of playhouse]

Kid: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to adults in a line with a glass of Kool-Aid]

Parents: Oh, yeah.

Narrator: But something finally changed.

[Cut to news reporter in her news set]

Reporter: The Kool-Aid man is in hot water after allegations of bursting through walls. [The screen is filled with the news reports against Kool-Aid]

Narrator: And there will be no going back. Because we believe in the best in a Kool-Aid man. [Cut to Beck Bennett running towards the glass slab] To say the right thing.

[Cut to Michael stops Beck from breaking the glass slab]

Michael: No, no, no, no, no man. Not cool.

Narrator: And to act the right way.

[Cut to Colin Jost teaching his kid manners]

Colin: You got to knock first, and then ask if you can enter, okay bud?

Kid: All right, dad.

[Cut to Heidi and Alex in Heidi’s meeting hall]

Alex: I didn’t realize you were doing something important. I am sorry.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, well as I was saying— [Alex leaves the room]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin: Times are changing.

[Cut to Colin and his kid. Colin holds his kid’s shoulder]

Narrator: Because the Kool-Aid boys watching today will be the Kool-Aid men of tomorrow. Who’s thirsty for some Kool-Aid?

Westminster Daddy Show | Season 44 Episode 9

Kate McKinnon

Jerry… Matt Damon

Georgina Mont-Blanc… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tweedy Daddy… Alex Moffat

Business Daddy… Chris Redd

[Starts with the intro of 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show]

Announcer: Welcome back to the 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show.

[Cut to Kate and Jerryin their set]

Kate McKinnon: Well, it’s Christmas time, so you know what that means.

Jerry: I do. It means it’s time for the Daddy Show.

Kate McKinnon: It is.

Jerry: We are finally up to the best in show category and I have to say, this year’s competitors are raising the bar.

Kate McKinnon: They are indeed. For anyone just joining us, this is a dog show but for daddies.

Jerry: Now, what exactly is a daddy?

Kate McKinnon: Well, think George Clooney but achievable.

Jerry: Love that. It’s like we say –

Both: Any man can be a father, but it takes a hot middle-aged guy with a big job to be a daddy.

[Cut to the stage. Georgina Mont-Blanc walks in.]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, here comes out head judge, Georgina Mont-Blanc. What do you think she’s looking for from this year’s pack of daddies?

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Our judges will be looking for men over the age of 46 with a little salt and pepper at the temples, some play money to throw around and a smug knowing smile that says “I do sex good”.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Bring out the daddies.

Kate McKinnon: And we’re off. [Golf daddy and his assistant start jogging around Georgina Mont-Blanc] Here comes the winner of the sporting group, West Palm Golf Daddy.

[Cut to Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Golf Daddy is a consultant who loves hanging out with buddies at the 19th hole, which I’m told is slang for bar.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s a funny daddy. He went through a divorce last year which is typical of the breed, lot of weekends away from home.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Looks like the judge is [Georgina Mont-Blanc starts to put her hands on Golf Daddy’s teeth and look at his veneers] looking at his new veneers. Yes, it’s cute little joke about them is at least my ex can’t take these.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s cute. I like that. Nice showing from Golf Daddy. [Golf daddy and his assistant leave] Okay.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Oh, now, here comes my personal favorite. Winner of the teach me, Daddy group. It’s Berkeley Tweedy Daddy.

[Cut to Kenan and Tweedy Daddy walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, yes. The Tweedy Daddy ought to have a long, elegant gape and this one does in spades.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Notable traits, the breed are biking to work and being absolutely awful to waiters.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Go ahead and bring him here.

Kenan: [Kenan talks to Tweedy Daddy like a dog] Yes. Tweedy Daddy, come here. And Tweedy Daddy right here. [Tweedy Daddy doesn’t listen to Kenan] Tweedy Daddy up on here. Tweedy Daddy right there. Tweedy Daddy right there. Here come Tweedy Daddy here. Get up Tweedy Daddy on here.

Tweedy Daddy: Maybe if you present the argument, better I respect it.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Jerry: Another trait of the breed, being an obstructionist a-hole.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Please, bring him here.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Tweedy Daddy: Please, debate me, coward.

Georgina Mont-Blanc:  That’s a DQ.

Kate McKinnon: Tweedy Daddy disqualified. Georgina is not taking any of that.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: She never does, wink wink.

Kate McKinnon: Stop. Here’s the next competitor, always a crowd favorite.

[Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: From the working too much group, Wall Street Business Daddy.

[Business Daddy is busy on his phone]

Business Daddy: I don’t know when I’ll be there [Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant] but I played for V.I.P. parking so it shouldn’t Jerryer, period.

[Cut to Business Daddy, his assistant and Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: Business Daddies are obsessed with efficiency. They love using the text-to-speech feature to text their fiances.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, judge is manipulating the Billfold. [Georgina Mont-Blanc takes Business Daddy’s wallet out and feels it]

Jerry: Yeah, what she’s looking for here is feeling for the give of cash and the firmness of a very heavy credit card.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, I got to say, this daddy could get it.

Jerry: It’s not just about can this daddy get it, it’s about this daddy a champion?

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Because all of these daddies could get it. Obviously they can get it because if they couldn’t get it, they wouldn’t be here.

Jerry: So true. Okay.

[Cut to the stage, Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant, and Business daddy and his assistant]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Can I see the Business Daddy, the Golf Daddy, and the announcer.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Wait, what? I don’t even have a handler!

Kate McKinnon: You heard her, get down there! [Jerry goes] Oh, very exciting turn of events, folks. Jerry is the Pedigree Broadcast Daddy! [Cut to Jerry is running around the stage like the other daddies did before] Makes a little awkward sex joke, looks great holding a mic. He could take this. [Georgina Mont-Blanc tells other daddies to run with Jerry around the stage] Okay, go around. Wow. Okay, this might be how she wants them.

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Okay. Third Golf Daddy, Second Business Daddy, first, Broadcast Daddy!

Kate McKinnon: Wow! What a coup! Jerry takes best in show!

Jerry: Best daddy! I did it!

[Cut to Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What an exciting daddy show. Thank you for joining us. I don’t have a name. Goodnight.

[Ends with Outro]

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave]

[Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves]

[Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in]

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Soccer Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 15

Peter Toppman… Mikey Day

Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat

David Kooseman… Idris Elba

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Rose… Melissa Villaseñor

Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]

Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.

[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]

Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.

Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.

Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.

Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Nah.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?

David Kooseman: Which one?

Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?

David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.

Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.

Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal.  What do you say to the boys before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.

David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David]  you’re too small, look at you.

Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.

Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.

Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.

David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.

Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro]

[Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.]

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson:  I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!

Trump Brothers Bedtime Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 8

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with video clip of Trump Tower front view]

[Cut to Donald enters Eric’s room. Eric is in bed]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! What are you doing awake? It’s past your bed time.

Eric Trump: Dad, I’m scared. I think there’s a Boogieman in my closet.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, there’s no Boogieman in your closet. [Donald sits on a chair beside Eric’s bed] Have you been watching the news again?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: You can’t watch that stuff, bud. It’s too grown-up.

Eric Trump: They said they’re going to indict you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Don’t worry about that, pal. But hey, I am impressed you know what indict means!

Eric Trump: Yeah, indict, there’s no sugar ‘in diet coke’.

Donald Trump Jr.: Almost, but you’ll get it. Hey, how about a bedtime story?

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Donald picks up a story book from the night stand] Oh, here we go, ’twas the night before Christmas. This is a classic. And remember, if there’s ever a word you don’t understand, bud, just say stop.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. ‘twas –

Eric Trump: Stop.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay, ‘twas, that’s the words ‘it’ and ‘was’ put together, buddy. It’s a contraction.

Eric Trump: Stop.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Contraction is a– you know what, let’s just keep reading, okay? ‘twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Eric Trump: You hear that, dad? There’s something in my closet.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah bud, that’s just the cheap steel dad uses to build his towers. And it’s blowing in the wind. Look, buddy, nothing in the closet. [Donald walks to the closet and opens it. Robert Mueller is standing in there.] See, no one’s in your closet. [Donald closes the closet]

Eric Trump: Robert Muller’s in there!

Donald Trump Jr.: [Cut to Donald. His phone rings] Eric, nobody likes a fibber. Oops, okay, I’m sorry, bud. This is my lawyer, I need to take this. Look, Eric, everything’s going to be fine, okay? I love you, buddy.

Eric Trump: I love you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. Hey, how bad is it? Uh-huh, oh god! Uh-huh. But can I flip on him? [Donald leaves the room] Okay.

Eric Trump: [Cut to Eric. Robert Mueller is sitting on a chair beside his bed] Night, don.

Robert Mueller: Hi, Eric. Don’t be scared. It’s just me, Robert Mueller, your dad’s friend from work.

Eric Trump: I’m not allowed to talk to you.

Robert Mueller: That’s fine, Eric. It was pretty clear early on that you don’t know anything.

Eric Trump: Nope.

Robert Mueller: I wish I could say the same for some of your dad’s friends.

Eric Trump: Like Mr. Pillow-fort?

Robert Mueller: Manafort.

Eric Trump: And Mr. Papa-John’s-Pizza?

Robert Mueller: Um, Popodopolus.

Eric Trump: And Mr. Cohen?

Robert Mueller: You might want to start calling him Federal Inmate, 10358. [Eric and Robert start laughing] You get it, Eric?

Eric Trump: Nope.

Robert Mueller: Well, I’m glad you’re laughing but this is serious. That depends on how much you want to visit your family.

Eric Trump: Oh, no. That’s—that’s not good.

Robert Mueller: But, hey, no one knows the full story yet. You saw what I put out of it. It’s all been heavily redacted. Do you know what redacted is?

Eric Trump: Uh-huh. Like when my dad called Jeff sessions mentally redacted.

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, that was fun. But, Eric, I just came here to let you know that now matter what happens, no matter what happens, America is going to be just fine. This is a country full of good people.

Eric Trump: Yeah. Good people like my dad.

Robert Mueller: Let’s put a pin in that.

Eric Trump: Mr. Mueller, people say you’re the worst thing to ever happen to my dad.

Robert Mueller: No, Eric, getting elected president was the worst thing that ever happened to your dad. And—Live from New York, its Saturday Night!

Them Trumps | Season 44 Episode 8

Alex Moffat

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Darius Jr. … Chris Redd

Malika… Leslie Jones

Cops… Mikey Day and Pete Davidson

[Starts with clip of White House]

Alex: [Cut to Alex. He sits and speaks.] Mr. President, the prosecution’s closing in. [Cut to President on President’s chair from the back] I’m afraid it might be over.

Darius Trump: Oh, it’s not over. Not by a long shot. We’ll beat this, [Darius Trump turns around. He’s black.] or my name isn’t Darius Trump.

Narrator: [Cut to Commercial of the show] From the producers of “Empire”, it’s “Them Trumps”. The first show to ask the question, what if Donald Trump was black? Darius Trump, his wife Malika, Darius Jr., and Lavanka. Together they are “Them Trumps”.

Alex: [Cut to Alex] Sir, they know everything. They know about Russia. They know you used campaign money to cover up an affair with magic city stripper Cinnamon Mercedes. And they know about the pyramid scheme you have been running through your company, [Cut to Darius] Darius Trump Country Hams. [Cut to Country Hams on the table]

Darius Trump: Mm-mm.

Darius Jr.: [Cut to Darius Jr.] Dad, the media has been out for you since day one and you proved them all wrong.

Malika: That’s right, nobody ever [Cut to Malika] thought you would get this far. The bankruptcies, [Cut to Darius. He is smiling] your baby mamas. [Cut to Malika] But here you are on top.

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] Yeah. Maybe I done some dirty things. [Darius stands and walks forward] I’m making America great again. And what these Feds don’t realize is that I’m the president! The most powerful man in the most respected office in the world. They can’t lock me up. And even though I may be black— [The door breaks open and two cops come in the door]

Cops: [Cops walk in Darius’ office] Freeze, Trump, you’re under arrest!

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] Yeah, that sounds about right. [The show ends. Post credits are given.]

Narrator: On the next “Them Trumps”.

[Cut to Darius Jr., Malika and Lavanka sitting on a couch. Darius comes in]

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] All hail the chief. Whoo!

Lavanka: [Cut to Darius Jr., Malika and Lavanka] Dad, you’re back.

Darius Trump: [Cut to Darius] That’s right. There’s only one rule in America you can’t prosecute a sitting president. [Cut to Darius Jr., Malika and Lavanka nodding their heads ]It’s called checks and balances baby, [Cut to Darius] and even though I’m black— [Alex walks in]

Alex: You’ve been impeached.

Darius Trump: Yeah, I was waiting on that. [Post credits given]

Rudolph’s Big Night | Season 44 Episode 8

Red-Nosed Reindeer… Pete Davidson

Cupid… Mikey Day

… Chris Redd.

Donner… Alex Moffat

Blitzen… Kyle Mooney

Comet… Beck Bennett

Don… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a house on a Christmas day]

Cupid: Alright, fellas, [Cut to a room full of reindeers] its Christmas eve and I am ready to fly! Who’s with me?

Everobody: Yeah!

Chris Redd: Hey, why is Rudolph cheering?

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph. He has a red glowing nose] Well, I guess I thought there was a chance, you know,  I’d be on the team this year.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone laughs at Rudolph]

Donner: Yeah, keep dreaming neon nose!

Rudolph: Yeah, the last thing we need up there is a stoplight!

Comet: [Cut to Beck] Or a maraschino cherry.

Santa: [Santa walks in shaking his belly] Ho, ho, ho! Huddle up. I just wanted to say about the weather report and I’m sorry but it’s too overcast to fly. Christmas is canceled.

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Oh, no! No!

Santa: Wait! [Cut to Rudolph and Santa] Rudolph—your nose. You can guide us with your wonderful light! How about it, Rudolph?

Rudolph:  You mean it Santa?

Santa: Oh, you bet I do. I’m appointing you lead reindeer! Christmas is saved! Let’s hear it for Rudolph!

Everybody: [Cut to Everybody. Everybody is cheering for Rudolph] Hip, hip, hooray!

Santa:  Thanks, Santa. I won’t let you down. [Santa leaves the room] [Cut to Rudolph. He walks in the group] Well, well, well—

Donner: [Alex giving his hand to shake to Rudolph] Congrats–

Rudolph: Oh, you can put that away, [pushing away his hand] Donner, or whatever your bitch ass name is.

Donner: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, it’s Rudolph now! I thought it was Neon Nose. Classic.

Blitzen: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, what’s up, Blitzen? What did you call my nose? A stoplight. I like that, making fun of someone else when you’re married to a moose.

Blitzen:  She’s an Elk.

Rudolph: She’s a straight up moose. You need to know that. What’s up, Don?

Don: What’s up?

Rudolph: Santa hates you.

Don: Harsh.

[Cut to everybody]

Cupid: Rudolph, we understand you’re sore at us but it was just a bit of healthy ribbing.

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] No, you shut up your mouth, Cupid. Alright? No one’s talking to you. You want healthy ribbing? Your wife dropped that donk on my last night!

Cupid: You’re making that up.

Rudolph: Nope, we did it in front of the mirror. Yeah, she’s one of those!

Cupid: Oh my god, I’ll knock that nose right off your face! [Cut to everybody]

Don: Come on, Rudolph man, we’re sorry.

Rudolph: Yeah, I know you’re sorry now because I’ll be flying out in front tonight and I’m eating a lot of broccoli. What’s your problem world?

Cupid: Hey! I’m gonna tell Santa how you’re behaving.

Rudolph: Oh, yeah? Let’s get him in here! [Rudolph starts hitting himself on his head and starts acting victim] Oh, ouch, why would you hit me? I’m smaller than you!

Santa: [Santa walks in] Cupid! Are you still bullying on Rudolph?

Cupid: [Cut to Everybody] No, sir, I didn’t touch him!

Rudolph: It’s not their fault sir. I’m the new guy. I deserve a little hazing.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Rudolph, you’re the strongest reindeer I’ve ever seen. [Cut to Rudolph smiling happily] You’re skating on thin ice Cupid.

Cupid: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] Man.

Rudplph: Whoops!

Don:Yo, you’re crazy man! [Cut to everybody]

Rudolph: Anyone else want to bully Rudolph?

Comet: No, man, we’re so sorry.

Rudolph: Oh, well, if it isn’t Mr. Maraschino Cherry Joke.

Comet: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph] I don’t want any trouble man.

Rudolph: Oh, I heard a lot of jokes about my nose. That was a good one. You like Maraschino Cherries, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: You like that way they taste, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: Why don’t you suck on one?

Comet: Excuse me?

Rudolph: Suck on it homey. Suck on the cherry in front of your face!

Comet: Rudolph, please!

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Oh! Oh! [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. Comet starts sucking on Rudolph’s nose]

Santa: [Cut to Santa walking in] Oh my goodness!

Rudolph: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. As Rudolph sees Santa he starts acting victim] Ouch, he bit me. I think he’s rabid.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, I always knew this day would come. [Santa takes his gun out]

Comet: [Cut to Comet] No, no. I swear he’s lying! He told me to suck it.

Santa: [Santa is pointing the gun towards Comet] Come with me, Comet.

Comet: Sir, you don’t understand. [Cut to everybody] He’s evil. Isn’t anybody going to say anything?

Rudolph: Yeah, isn’t anyone going to say anything?

Santa: I’m sorry, pal. Ho, ho, ho. [Santa takes Comet out]

Chris Redd: He’s not going to do that. [Sound of gunshot. Everybody is terrified except Rudolph.] Rudolph, you are a master.

Rudolph: No, really though, those were some funny jokes. Hilarious.

Santa: All right, [Cut to Santa walking in] show’s over. It’s Christmas folks. Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Rudolph: [Cut to everybody. Rudolph is dancing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.