Tag: Alex Moffat

Pound Puppy | Season 44 Episode 13

Don Cheadle

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with romantic evening clips of three different couples]

Narrator: Tonight’s the night. Just the two of you. No phones, no emails. Just you and the one you love. Time to tune out the world an tune into each other. You earned this moment and nothing is going to get in your way. Unless you own a dog.

[Cut to a dog watching]

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Don Cheadle in bed]

Ego Nwodim: Your dog is watching us. To your crate.

[Don Cheadle looks at the dog]

Ego Nwodim: To your crate. To your crate.

Don Cheadle: Go to your crate.

[Cut to the dog still looking at them]

[Cut to another dog barking]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett: Stop. He thinks you’re attacking me.

Heidi Gardner: Just put him in the laundry room.

[Cut to the dog barking]

Beck Bennett: With his anxiety? Yeah, right.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: We’re just talking, lady bug. [Cut to another dog staring at them] Everything is fine.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Alex Moffat: Go in the hall, we’ll be three minutes.

Melissa Villaseñor: Three minutes?

[Cut to the clips of the couples being disappointed]

Narrator: Don’t let your fur baby ruin the intimate moment you waited for all week. Now you don’t have to. [Couples unboxing the package of Pound Puppy] With Pound Puppy, the furry dog costume big enough for two people to have sex in. [Clip of couples getting inside the big dog costume] [The big dog costume is moving as couples are having sex][Moaning sex voices] Once inside, you can go to town and your down will just think there is a much larger dog in the room. With “Pound Puppy” you get the privacy you need and your dog has a new best friend. Suitable for any style of lovemaking. Need to check on your dog? Just use the mascot style eyes.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim watching the dog from the big dog costume’s eyes]

Ego Nwodim: He’s buying it.

[Cut to Don Cheadle inside the costume]

Don Cheadle: I think it’s working a little bit too well.

[Cut to dog trying to have sex with the dog costume]

Narrator: Throw your dog and yourself a bone with “Pound Puppy”. Your dog will smile while you doggy style. Available in the adult section of PETCO.

Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule]

[Cut to Fresh Takes intro]

[Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch]

[Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”]

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves]

[The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”]

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]

Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.

[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]

[Cheers and applause]

Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.

Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.

Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.

Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]

Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.

Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The  president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.

Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?

Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well,  that sounds like a lot to me.

Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.

Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.

Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”

Nancy Pelosi: What?

Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]

Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay.

Chuck Schumer: You got us.

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.

Extreme Baking Championship | Season 44 Episode 13

Show host… Alex Moffat

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Chantal… Leslie Jones

Jimmy…Don Cheadle

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Extreme Baking Championship intro]

Narrator: We not return to the Extreme Baking Championship on the food network.

[Cut to the show. The contestants are panicking.]

Show host: All right, bakers. I’m sorry to say this, [Cut to Show host] but time is up.

[Cut to Ralph and Sandy]

Ralph: My word!

[Cut to Jimmy and Chantal]

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Today’s extreme baking theme was cartoon confection and each of you had two hours to make cakes featuring beloved cartoon characters. Now it’s time to present your cakes to the judges. [Cut to Chantal, Show host and the judges] First up is home baker, Chantal.

Chantal: Hi, judges. I’m so excited.

Aidy Bryant: Hi, Chantal. Tell us what you made today, sweetie.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Well, my character was Olaf the Snowman from the movie ‘Frozen’. [Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept] My design uses a marshmallow structure to create a delicious 3D snow bank. Olaf is made from sponge cake and he skated on a frozen pond made of sponge sugar. [Cut to Chantal] Cold never bothered him anyway.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: It’s very ambitious. You did all that in two hours?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, ma’am. I did.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, let’s see it, Chantal.

[Cut to Chantal. She opens the cake box and her cake is terribly made.]

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow! Chantal, looks like you had some problems.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, I had some problems and I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: What went wrong?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I think my nerves got the best of me and also I’m bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, well let’s go ahead and taste your cake. [The judges taste the cake]

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Is it good?

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: No, it’s not. No.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I know. I did a bad job.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Thank you. All right. Now, next up is home baker and go-to-work dad, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Hey, judges. I want this so bad and I’m ready to compete.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: That’s great, Jimmy. Tell us what you did today.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, tickle me excited because my character was Tickle Me Elmo’s best friend, the Cookie Monster.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Weird way to get there, but okay. Okay.

[Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept]

Jimmy: I used vanilla sponge cake covered in blueberry royal icing and cookie’s about to hang ten on his brand new skateboard made of taffy. And is that a chocolate chip cookie road he is skating on? [Cut to Jimmy] The answer is, Frick, yes.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: Jimmy, that sounds incredible.

Aidy Bryant: Are you happy with how it turned out?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Yes, ma’am, I am.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: Well, let’s see it. Oh, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake box. Jimmy opens the box and the cake is terribly made.]

Jimmy: It’s bad. I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: What went wrong?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: You know, I think just me being here and everything I did while I was here.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: And you wrote the name Shawn on the cake. Who is Sean?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: I don’t know. I don’t know Sean. I don’t know why I wrote that.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Well, that’s too bad. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us what you made.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Hi, judges. My character was the undersea optimist, Spongebob. He came out so good. I’m just going to show you. [Sandy opens her cake box, and the cake looks great.] Okay. So, what do you think?

[Cut to Show host and the hosts]

Aidy Bryant: It’s fine.

Show host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? You are moving on?

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Afraid so, Sandy. Yeap. [Unknown voice says “Kill me!” The Show host looks around.] I’m sorry, hang on. Is that your cake, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake, his cake is speaking]

Jimmy’s Cake: I shouldn’t be— Kill me!

[Cut to judges]

Ego Nwodim: What’s going on there, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, ma’am—[Jimmy’s cake pukes] I believe that my cake is such an abomination that it has maybe come to life.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Please destroy me! I feel nothing but pain!

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Well, that’s disgusting, but also pretty creative.

[Cut to Sandy and Jimmy]

Sandy: I’m sorry, are you seriously saying that cake is better than my cake?

Jimmy’s Cake: Umm, bitch!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Sandy, I’m not judge so I can say this. You are coming off as crazy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake. It can’t stop puking.]

Jimmy’s Cake: Grr, cookies!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Now, moving on to Ralph. What cartoon character did you choose?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My cartoon was Yoda, the Pesky Elf.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: That’s not a cartoon character and not an Elf, but let’s see it.

[Cut to Ralph. Ralph opens his cake box.]

[Ralph’s cake is Yoda holding a green stick. His cake is fine.]

Ralph: Okay.

Beck Bennett: Okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] Interesting. And what’s that he’s holding?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s his famous penis, of course.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow, we have a tough decision to make.

[Cut to contestants]

Sandy: No, you do not.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Send me hell where I belong! [Jimmy’s cake pukes again]

Jimmy: Shut up. Shut up.

Show host: No! all right. [Cut to Show host] We’ll be back with the judges’ decision right after this.

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.]

[Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.

Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat’s Respectful Valentine’s Day Tips | Season 44 Episode 12

Guy Who Just Bought a Boat… Alex Moffat

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is next week. But these days it can be tricky to navigate the early stages of romance without crossing any lines. Here with his respectful dating tips is, Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.

[Guy Who Just Bought a Boat joins Colin Jost]

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hello. This is how we cupid. Haha. Little jokecino. This is now we cupid. Top of the $metoo to you two. Ha-ha. It’s muaah! I’m here to teach you how to score some Giney while keeping your tiny hiney on this side of the liney.

Colin Jost: Giney?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: First T-I-P, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] if you want to please that tease, don’t be skeeze. Treat her the way you’d treat a man who could give you something. AKA, with respect.  I have a small penis. And fellas, women live in a dangerous world. Okay? Last week, I went on a date with a girl and five mins into din-din she gets a call that her roommate was on fire, she had to split, supes trag.

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That sounds like she made that up to get away from you.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey! Believe women. #metoo. Centimeters rock hard, three flaccid.

Colin Jost: Wait, wait, it gets smaller?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: No, fellas, if you want to make your date like the decimal system—uh, Dewey. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] Listen for those all importantante non-verby que-queues. Things like frowing, doing the thumbs down. Repeatedly saying ‘I want to go home’. God, cursed me with a bad dog. That’s hog. Tip numbero douche, make sure she is of age, like, legit league. Because you can’t spell ‘Cupid’ without the ‘See, I.D.’? You must be at least this old to ride this ride. It’s a small world. Now, let’s talk gift suites.

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These are respectful dating tips?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Wow, and that was man-xplaining.

Colin Jost: No, I actually don’t think it was.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Okay. Your breast bet for getting a heart shaved box [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] is a heart shaped box. We’re talking rusty stoves, your go dives, your lili trus—That’s Lindt Lindor Truffles. Try and keep up. Remember, choco leads to taco. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost] I feel sick and bad all the time. And speaking of taco, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] bring your passports, boys, because at the end of the noche, it’s time to go south o’the border. And before long she’ll be showing you her o face. AS in, “O–kay, I’ll be doing it myself after you leave.”

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, at least you’re reciprocating. That seems like progress for you.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey. What’s got three thumbs and respects chicks now? [Pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh, god. Guy Who Just Bought a Boat, everyone.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: See you on Bumble!

Colin Jost: For ‘Weekend Update’, I’m Colin Jost.

[Michael Che joins them]

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Maurice | Season 44 Episode 8

Son… Chris Redd

Margaret… Leslie Jones

Maurice… Kenan Thompson

Daughter… Ego Nwodim

Christine… Halsey

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]

Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.

Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.

Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.

[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]

Daughter: A freelance mailman?

Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.

Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.

Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.

Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]

Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?

Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.

Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.

Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.

Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?

Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.

Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice. Kyle Mooney walks to Maurice.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.

Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.

Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Where do you even do this?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.

Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.

Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?

Maurice: The red one.

Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.

Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?

[Cut to Son]

Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: I could be on Ellen.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.

[Cut to Christine checking her phone]

Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.

Maurice: Oh my god.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?

Maurice: Red-velvet.

Riverdale | Season 44 Episode 12

Rick… Kenan Thompson

Betty… Halsey

Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor

Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson

Jug-head… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

[Starts with film shooting scene]

Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.

Betty: Got it.

Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.

Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.

Rick: And action!

[Betty and Jug-head start acting]

Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Betty: I love you.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.

Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor  on the gurney, are you all right?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yes, sure.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?

Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down]

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]

Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.

Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

[Corpse starts to shiver hard]

Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.

Rick: Stop it!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.

Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.

Rick: Why?

Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.

Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.

[Rick walks in]

Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]

Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.

Rick: No.

Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?

Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.

Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Fine. I give up.  Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!

[Clapperboard person joins]

Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]

Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.

Corpse: Avenge me!

Them Trumps: State of the Union | Season 44 Episode 12

Assistant… Halsey

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Levanka… Ego Nwodim

Darius Jr… Chris Redd

Malika… Leslie Jones

Police Officer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with assistant walking looking at a file at the parking lot]

Assistant: Sir, your approval numbers have never been lower. But this state of the union might be our best chance of turning things around. Now, the big question is can you persuade people who never liked you in the first place?

Darius Trump: I wouldn’t worry about any of that. [Cut to Darius at the dark. His face cannot be seen.] All I need is a mic and an audience and I’m good to go. They all love [Darius walks a step ahead. He is black Donald Trump.] Darius Trump.

[Cut to the intro of ‘Them Trump’]

Narrator: From the producers of Empire. It’s Them Trumps. The first show to ask the question, “What if Donald Trump was black?” Darius Trump. His wife, Malika. Darius Jr. and Lévanka. Together, they are Them Trumps.

[Cut to a running limousine]

Darius Jr.: Dad. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine] You think the state of the union speech is going to set the hater’s straight?

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant inside the limousine]

Darius Trump: Of course it is son. Now, come on, let’s get to the capitol so I can do what I do.

[Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine]

Levanka: But dad. What about about the new allegations? The taxpayer funded golf vacations with Puff Daddy, all the lawsuits that come out of Trump Perm Academy?

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: And they still asked about Russia dad.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Shh! Don’t nobody need to know about Russia. What happened between me and Russia is between me and Russia. That don’t concern them.

Malika: Well, [Cut to Malika] you better watch yourself. They’re saying Mueller is closing in and your house of cards is crashing down.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Why you trying to play me, huh? I know how to deal with Mueller. I keep the white boys on a leash. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka smiling] This is America. And even though I’m black–

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Assistant: Okay, we are getting pulled over.

Darius Trump: Oh, I knew that was coming.

[The video stops and plays credit list]

[Cut to outro of ‘Them Trumps’]

Narrator: On the next Them Trumps—

[Cut to Police Officer talking to Darius Trump from window of the limosine]

Police Officer: License please, sir.

Darius Trump: Man, I’m not even driving.

Police Officer: I’m not asking again. License, now.

[Darius Trump hands his license to the police officer]

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: Be cool, dad.

Malika: We don’t [Cut to Malika] need you getting locked up.

[Cut to Darius Trump]

Darius Trump: Ain’t nobody getting locked up. This is ridiculous. I’m the American President and he’s going to have to recognize the fact that even though I’m a black man—

Police Officer: Sir, step out of the car.

Darius Trump: Yes, here we go. [Darius opens the door and steps out of the limousine] Somebody record it for Worldstar.

[Video stops and plays credit list]

Mr. Tumnus | Season 44 Episode 11

Mr. Tumnus… James McAvoy

Christine… Cecily Strong

Tova… Aidy Bryant

Rebecca… Kate McKinnon

Edmond… Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of the show]

Narrator: And now the chronicles of Narnia, return to Narnia.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus playing flute in his house]

[Door knocks]

Mr. Tumnus: Oh, my goodness, who could that be?

[Mr. Tumnus walks to the door and opens it] [There’s Christine outside the door]

Christine: Oh, my god, Mr. Tumnus, is this real? I’m in freaking Narnia meeting Mr. Tumnus.

[Christine slowly walks in]

Mr. Tumnus: Surprise visitor. Very nice. Please sit.

Christine: Okay, this is happening.

Mr. Tumnus: I’m sorry. Have we met before?

[Mr. Tumnus and Christine both sit down]

Christine: No. I mean yes. Okay. Re-do. [Cut to Christine] Hi, I’m Christine. Big fan. I’m staying at an Air B&B and I guess I went through wardrobe and I walked for five hours until I found you. Mr. Tumnus, I watched “The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” in the seventh grade and you’ve become my Back Street boy.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: I see. I was your girlhood crush, correct? Let me guess, it was my nonthreatening masculinity. I’m sort of jacked but still, in a little bit of a British way.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus]

Christine: Yes. I would draw you and I would take liberties. Does that make sense?

Mr. Tumnus: Yes. That tracks, actually. So, tell me about yourself.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, I run a tea shop that sells vaginal teas. But not my career. Look at your hairy legs. [Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus] Who are you? Me? Because I stopped trying years ago? This is going well, I can tell.

[The door knocks] [Mr. Tumnus stands and walks towards the door]

Tova: Christine? Christine?

Mr. Tumnus: Someone’s at the door. They must be looking for you Christine.

[Mr. Tumnus opens the door. Tova and Rebecca walk in.]

Tova: Oh, my god.

Rebecca: Hang on. It’s like, him.

Tova: The Tumnus.

Mr. Tumnus: Friends of your’s, Christine?

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Oh, Mr. Tumnus. I’m Tova.

Rebecca: And I’m Rebecca’s, with, and I just say like, congrats on this.

Mr. Tumnus: Well, would you like to join your friend?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: Wait, wait, wait, up guys are into Tumnus too?

Tova: Oh, full body, yes.

Mr. Tumnus: Christine, don’t be so surprised. [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] You see, hundreds of your kind that visit me here every year, because I suppose in a way  I’ve become an unlikely sex symbol for a very specific sort of woman. Sort of a lazy hermine if you will.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Tova: Oh yes. That is us to a “T”.

Rebecca: Frizzy hair, no cell.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: And to you, I am the perfect combination of man, animal, scarf and flute music.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Okay, I feel seen.

Tova: So, how we do this? All at once? One at a time?

Rebecca: This might be too forward but like, Mr. Tumnus, I want to put my thumbnus in your bumnus.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Please tell me, what brought you to England in the first place.

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Well, we all love old wet history. So we’re doing a girls trip, one last before we all freeze our eggs.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, but I’m not freezing mine because I have to. It’s because I want to. We can try and you wouldn’t have to take care of it, but — Christine shut up– I’m sorry. I might be in a lot right now, today I’ll cry.

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Tumnus: No, seriously, you are lovely [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] but if that is what you truly desire, I must break it to you, that I’m not human.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Yes, we know, and that’s what we like. Mama wants a boyfriend she can pet.

Tova: So goat peeing, what does that look like? I can google it but I’m very scared.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Ladies, ladies, you flatter me with your persistence, but please, I must let you know that I am in fact spoken for. Edmond? Oh, Eddo.

[Cut to everybody] [Edmond walks in]

Edmond: Ah, yes? Does my Tum tum want more Turkish delights?

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Christine: Oh, my god, he’s gay. No wonder he’s my type.

Tova: And this is officially a pattern for me.

[Cut to Edmond]

Edmond: Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re having shakshouka.

[Cut to everybody] [Ladies stand up and leave]

Christine: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. Just cherish each other, okay.

Rebecca: Gals, let’s find ourselves a rebound. Neville longbottom?

Tova: Yes, Neville was the hot one.

Narrator: This has been “The Chronicles of Narnia”

[Ends with an outro]