Tag: episode 14

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Middle East map at left top corner.]

This week, ISIS, destroyed priceless artwork in Mosul, recruited even more teenagers and delivered a devastating psychological attack that made us question everything we believe in.

[Picture changes to a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold.]

Is it white and gold? It’s white and gold, right? Look at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Che, what do you think?

Michael Che: I don’t care, man! At all.

Colin Jost: I mean, it’s crazy. I mean, have you ever seen two groups of people look at the exact same image and have two totally different opinions about it?

Michael Che: Yeah, I remember one time.

[Cut to a picture of Barack Obama looking fair.]

Hey, what color is that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a speech this week Hilary Clinton stressed the need for compromise in Washington. Saying she hopes to lead the country into “A warm purple space.” Which is the same line Grimace uses to get you into his [Picture changes to a cartoon Grimace and a delivery van] windowless van.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Obama this week vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline which was only the third veto he has issued as president. The used the other two to shut down proposed extensions of [Picture changes to Joe Biden smiling under blanket fort] Joe Biden’s White House Blanket Fort.

[Picture changes to Islamic flag and two teenage girls]

British authorities are saying there is a disturbing trend of upper class teenage girls running away from home to join ISIS. Damn, first Brooklyn, now ISIS. Rich girls with gentrify anything. ISIS is only a Trader Joe’s away from being the first terror group dismantled by a rent increase. Though, I am looking forward to the inevitable new face of ISIS, [Picture changes to Iggy Aalea wearing hijab. Her name is written as ‘Iggy Al-Zalea’ in the banner behind her] ‘Iggy Al-Zalea. Showing all the Grammy’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in twentysixteen. “Great”, said his interviewer. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at the cash counter of grocery store.] “But my question was, paper or plastic?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, marijuana is the safest recreational drug people can use. “Huh, interesting”, said a million black dudes in jail for marijuana.

Press Junket

Dakota Johnson

Interviewer… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Peter… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Fifty Shades of Grey press room. Dakota is doing an interview.]

Dakota: The franchise has such a dedicated fan base. So, I really wanted to make sure I did the character justice.

Interviewer: Oh, great! Great! That’s just great. Well, you can for this tomorrow in the Detroit Free press.

[Interviewer smiles and leaves]

[Kate walks to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my god! I hate these things. Please tell me that was the last one.

Kate: Dakota, you’re doing great! I promise you’re gonna like this next one. He’s a student at Franklin Middle School. Peter, you can come in.

[Cut to Peter walking in. He is dressed geeky.]

Peter: Hi, Dakota. Oh, my name is Peter Scholfinly and I always get the scoop. Especially if it’s icecream.

[Cut to Dakota, Kate and Peter]

Dakota: [laughing] Oh, my god. You’re so sweet.

Kate: Peter writes a showbiz column for the Franklin flyer. And, um, here he’s got some questions about what it’s like being a real movie star.

Dakota: Alright, just go easy on me.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Of course, of course. Well, let’s jump right in. So, in your new movie, there’s a lot of kissing. Was it gross?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] Well, Pete, when you’re making a movie, the secret is to remember that it’s all pretend.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Got it. Acting equals pretending. Now, in the film, during one of your first violent sexual encounters with Kristen Grey, he ties you to a bed, removes your blouse and blindfolds you. Right?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Yeah!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: He then uses an ice cube to trace along the body of your curves pausing at your exposed breasts. I gotta ask. Was it cold?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, yeah, it was cold.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: This is a great stuff. Ice cube was cold. Moving on…

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Peter, have you seen the movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Yes, but I might have a bit of a time crisis, so let’s limit the interruptions.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate. Kate looks speechless.]

[Cut to Peter]

Now, when Kristen shows you his playroom for the first time, you asked if there was an Xbox in there. I gotta ask. Does your character play video games?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] That’s a good question. I don’t think she does.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Alright. She prefers twisted games of sexual pain and domination.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Okay, Peter. I don’t think this is appropriate subject matter for your school paper.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Actually, that’s something for my editor to decide. So, you mind getting me a water?

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Dakota: Oh, my!

Peter: Thank you so much.

[Kate leaves to get water.]

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Ms. Johnson, to be totally honest, what I really wanna know is how do I talk to the girls in my class?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: [continuing the same question] …into choking me hard while I wear a human pony harness?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! I don’t think I can answer any more question. How were you even allowed to see this movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: My dad took me last Friday. And on Saturday. And three times on Sunday. It’s his favorite movie.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [speechless] Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Because of artists like you, my father and I get to have a little bit of time together. Well, anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.

[cut to Dakota and Peter]

Dakota: No, Peter. It’s okay. Why don’t we just finish the interview?

Peter: You mean it?

Dakota: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter: Wow, okay.  [Cut to Peter] Now, in the book, um, Anastasia says, I’m paraphrasing here, “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat. He’s my very own Kristen Grey flavored popsicle.”

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

[Cut to Peter]

Like I said, I love popsicles. What’s your favorite dessert?

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

Dakota: I guess, I like pie.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Hmm, delicious! My readers will love–

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Okay, well, Peter, I wish you the best of luck. And it was so nice to meet such a curious young man.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Wait, I almost forgot. I end all my interviews with this question. Woody or Buzz Lightyear?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, probably Buzz, I guess.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: I knew it, Ms. Johnson. I think you’re really gonna like this piece.

[Cut to a news paper article with the topic, “I had sex with Buzz”. It has photos of Dakota Johnson and Buzz from Toy Story.]

Net Neutrality

Jennifer Owens… Sasheer Zamata

Samantha Shepard… Dakota Johnson

Chris Konko… Pete Davidson

Mark Falanga… Bobby Moynihan

Veronica Davis… Leslie Jones

Vinton Cerf… Taran Killam

[Starts with Net Effect intro]

[Cut to Jennifer in her set]

Jennifer: Good evening. I’m Jennifer Owens and welcome to Net Effect where a prominent internet users help explain what’s going on in the wold of technology. Tonight’s topic, net neutrality. Joining me to discuss it is a tech blogger, Samantha Shepard.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: It’s really good to be out of house.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Aspiring Instagram celebrity Chris Konko.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I got no filter.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Self employed CEO Mark Falanga.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Tremendous. [smiles]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: And prolific YouTube commenter, Veronica Davis.

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: First…

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Now, most people barely understand what net neutrality is. Mark, would you care to explain?

Mark: Sure. [Cut to Mark] Well, you see, the net in net neutrality is actually short for internet. Which some people believe is also the web. And please excuse all the technical jargon. Who am I? Bill Jobs? [laughing]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Okay. Samantha, what is net neutrality to you?

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Well, I think it’s like with the emojis how they made them in different skin tones. But then, they switch back to like a neutral yellow. And like, the one with the mouth, that’s just a straight line. So, you can’t tell what it’s thinking. So, like it’s, [puts her index finger straight over her lips] like that. You know?

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: So, you think it’s about the internet being neutral?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, and why would anybody want that? The whole reason I go on the internet is to read really mean comments about people. And if everyone’s neutral, what are the comments gonna be? “This video is fine. I am okay with this. I didn’t notice what race that guys was.” I mean who wants that?

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: And news flash! It’s not neutral, okay? That damn dress is white and gold! And if you think it’s blue and black, you need to get your eyes fixed. Coz trust me, no one has ever mistaken black for gold. No one has ever come up to me in street and be like, “Are you gold?”

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: I am sorry. But I still don’t think we’ve nailed down what net neutrality actually means.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Jennifer, this might be a little over your head. Let me see if I can explain. Internet, startups, neutrality.

[Cut to Samantha, Jennifer and Mark]

Jennifer: What?

Samantha: No, actually, I think it’s more like, okay… [Samantha joins her two fists] So, here’s the internet. And here is the stipple and open it up, [Samantha opens her fists] and here’s all the people. Right?

Jennifer: That’s new neutrality?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Wait, wait. I got better one. [Chris puts his hands in clapping position] Put your finger in here. [Cut to Chris, Samantha and Jennifer] What? I can show you the internet.

Jennifer: No, I’m not touching your fingers.

Chris: Fine! Then I just want to point out that Veronica is color blind, coz that dress is black and blue.

Veronica: Say it to my face.

[Cut to everybody. Chris and Veronica stand up in anger.]

Chris: I just did!

Veronica: Say it to my gold face you blue son of a bitch!

Mark: Hey, both of you! Both of you, sit down. Okay? This is tearing us apart! [Cut to Mark] You wanna know what net neutrality is really about? It is about pornos. It is about how fast get pornos when we want pornos. Coz when my wife goes to the store, I got 15 minutes. That is why net neutrality is the single most important issue in the history of this Unite States.

[Cut to everybody]

[Chris stands up and starts clapping]

[audience start clapping with Chris]

Jennifer: Okay! Okay, okay, okay! So, none of you have the slightest idea what net neutrality actually means?

Mark: No.

Samantha: No.

Chris: Blue and black!

Jennifer: Okay, alright. Then in that case, I’d like to welcome Vinton Cerf, who is widely credited as being one of the founding fathers of the internet.

[Cut to Vinton Cerf]

Vinton Cerf: Hi, there.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: And he’s now gonna walk around and slap each of you in the face.

Vinton Cerf: Thank you for the opportunity.

[Vinton Cerf slaps Mark. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Chris. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Samantha]

Samantha: Harder!

[cheers and applause]

[Vinton Cerf raises his hand to slap Veronica]

Veronica: Yeah, I think you better think about it, son.

[Vinton Cerf walks away]

Jennifer: Great! Well, that’s the entire show. Up next is Cable and Bits, the show about computers by dogs. Goodnight.

Mr. Riot Films

Kyle Mooney

Mario… Beck Bennett

[Starts with ‘A MrRiotFilms production’ video bumper.]

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging in their apartment]

Kyle: Wad up, YouTube? As you know, we’ve made a lot of socially conscious videos that have changed the way you look at the world around you.

Mario: Like when we showed you awareness of when we gave a homeless man $100.

[Cut to the video of Kyle and Mario giving a homeless man $100.]

Homeless man: Oh, my god! Thank you very much!

[Kyle and Mario start jumping and hugging]

[Cut to Kyle and Mario in vlogging]

Kyle: But there are other problems in America too. Like, bullying.

Mario: That’s right. Which is why we put a mirror of the society to see how people would react when a bully was put in front of their very eyes.

Kyle: That’s another MrRiotFilms YouTube social experiment. Let’s go!

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

[Cut to Kyle eating his burger in a restaurant. The video is taken from far away outside of the restaurant.]

[Mario walks to Kyle and grabs his burger and eats it.]

Kyle: Hey, what are you doing? That’s my burger.

Mario: It’s mine now. What are you gonna do about it?

Kyle: Give it back to me. You’re acting like a bully.

Mario: I don’t care. Who’s gonna stop me?

Kyle: Give it to me!

[Kyle and Mario turn to people sitting next to them]

Mario: xcuse me, guys. Can I ask you a question? Why didn’t you stop me?

Kyle: He was being a bully to me.

Random person: That’s my bad.

Mario: You could have stopped me. You could have help him get his burger back and have impact to stopping bullying in America today.

[Kyle and Mario shake hands the those people]

Kyle: Alright, thank you. Just keep an eye around.

Random person: Good luck to you guys.

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging]

Mario: Yo, but sometimes the biggest bully in life is the way society treats women.

Kyle: So, we wanted to see if anyone would change a course of history when they are face to face with injustice. Let’s go!

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

[Cut to Kyle and Mario in the shopping mall. Kyle is dressed as a woman but still is speaking like a man.]

Kyle: Hi, I’d like to apply for the new job.

Mario: Yeah, we can maybe give you the job but we’ll pay you less than a man.

Kyle: But that’s not fair. I can do the job just as good as a man. Plus, I got better qualifications.

Mario: No, I don’t care.

Kyle: [calling out a person passing by] Excuse me! Excuse me! Sir! You’re walking away from a woman who is being denied equal pay. Why didn’t you say anything?

Random person: No comment.

Kyle: What’s that sir? Come on y’all.

Mario: Gotta make our voices heard!

Kyle: No comment? And that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging]

Kyle: Every year, millions of children go missing. But if you saw a child who is lost, would you even do something about it? Let’s do this.

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

[Cut to Mario dressed up like a child with a teddy bear and a board that says ‘LOST’]

Mario: [to a random person] Can you help me find my mommy?

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Ayo! Everybody just walking away right now? Well, you all are on your cell phones sipping on your lattes. This kid almost died coz he was lost.

[Mario pretending to be crying]

Mario: Yo, I’m just a scared little kid. Why didn’t y’all try to help me? No, but it’s actually me Mario from MrRiotFilms. And I can’t believe y’all right now.

Kyle: We’re done y’all! We’re done!

Mario: Damn!

Kyle: Be part of the change.

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging]

Mario: But that doesn’t even comparable what we found out in our final experiment. That’s its not just people being bullied.

[Cut to Kyle wearing a dog costume. There’s a bag of dog food and his plate in front of him.]

Kyle: [to random people] Excuse me, feed me. I’m a dog.

[One woman walks to him and pours the dog food into his place]

[Mario comes by running]

Mario: Excuse me! Excuse me, miss. Thank you. Um, you know, we don’t need the dog food but why did you decide to feed this dog?

Random woman: He asked me to.

Kyle: I actually have very awareness to tell you ma’am. I’m not a dog.

Random woman: I know you’re not a dog.

Kyle: Well, we just wanna say congratulations coz you have a social revolutionize. We appreciate it. Thank you, ma’am.

[The woman leaves being confused]

That’s change.

[Kyle and Mario hug each other.]

[Mario comes by running]

Mario: Well, there you have it.

Kyle: Bug up for your video next week. Well, we’re about to do a funny skit where I play Master Chief from Halo and he getting in trouble with his girl.

[Cut to animated game story. The girl and Master Chief are speaking but the voice is of Kyle]

The girl: I saw you with a girl last night.

Master Chief: Maybe I got a twin. Oh, snap!

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

I Can’t

Cecily Strong

Dakota Johnson

Bobby Moynihan

Margo… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a three interns in an office]

Cecily: Oh, my god! I can’t wait until this internship is over.

Dakota: I know. I need it to be summer now. This has literally been the worst winter ever.

Cecily: Urgh! I can’t even.

Dakota: It’s literally not possible.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It was like 150 degrees everyday last summer. And now it’s like negative of thousand. I literally just can’t.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Don’t even.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: No, who can even? It’s literally impossible to can. I can’t

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It’s like, what the freak? I’m wearing 150 layers and I still can’t even.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, I’m literally wearing like, six coats right now. And I’m trying to can and literally can’t.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! Is that window open? Oh, my god! That window is literally wide open right now.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, that is why it is freaking Antartica in here. Okay? Freaking Margo has her window completely open.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Margo! Can you please close that window?

[Cut to Margo. Her both arms are broken and plastered.]

Margo: I can’t.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: I am dying right now. Like, I’m literally gonna freeze to death if you don’t shut that window.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I literally cannot. Both of my arms are broken. You know this. It’s why you call me Broken Arms Margo and Stank Breath Margo with Two Broken Arms.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Margo! You broke both your arms for attention a hundred years ago. And it’s literally your excuse for everything now.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: It’s been six days. And I didn’t do it on purpose. I stage dived at karaoke and nobody caught me.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: God! She is so dramatic. I can’t even. I am not doing this with her today.

[Cut to Margo trying to drink juice off a straw but she can’t]

Margo: Look, I understand I’m not your favorite person, but could you just maybe nudge my lunch closer? I’ve been struggling to reach it for an hour.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: We are not walking a hundred miles over to your desk right now when you can’t even close the window that’s literally killing us.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I mean really, Margo? Have you like, ever thought of anyone other than yourself?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Right? God!

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: There is no god. There can’t be.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I’m so hungry right now. I haven’t eaten like a month.

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Bobby: Uh! Don’t even!

Dakota: Margo, what is that in your shirt?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, what is that? Did you spill something?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Urgh! I hate it. It’s annoying. Just go like this, it’s driving me crazy. [brushing off his shoulder] Just go like ths.

[Cut to Margo. There’s a spider on her shoulder.]

Margo: Oh, my god! Kill it! Kill it mother-F-er!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Margo! It’s probably just snow from that open window.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Margo, just do this. [brushing off her shoulder]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Do this. [brushing off her dress] Do this.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I can’t. It is impossible. My arm bones are shattered from pits to wrists. Please, kill it. Or kill me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Really? Margo? Is it that serious? Fine, just leave it there. But can you please shut that window? I’m so freezing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, my hands are literally in my sleeves right now. It’s that cold.

[Cut to Margo trying to close the window]

Margo: Fine! You want the window closed. I’ll try it.

[Margo falls outside through the window.]

[Bang]

I’m alive? I’m alive and I feel everything. Dear world! What have I done to anger you!

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Dakota: You know, she’s literally never gonna shut up about this.

Cecily: She’s so dramatic.

Bobby: I cannot even!

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Father Daughter Ad

Taran Killam

Dakota Johnson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a car pulling over in front of the building]

[Cut to Father and Daughter inside the car]

Father: Well, this is it. You need any help with your bag?

Daughter: No, that’s alright. I got it.

Father: How about some walking around?

Daughter: Dad! It’s okay.

Father: Okay. Just, um, make sure to–

Daughter: Call you when I get there? I know.

Father: Ya. You know, um, you could stay home to another year of high school.

Daughter: Very funny dad! [laughs and steps out of the car.]

Father: Well, I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.

Daughter: Ya, I’ll see you. [Daughter bends over to the car’s window] Hey dad!

Father: Ya!

Daughter: Thanks.

Father: You got it, kiddo!

[horn honking]

[sigh] Looks like your ride’s here.

[Cut to a truck full of men with guns and Islamic logo on it pulls over.]

[Cut to Father]

You be careful, okay?

[Cut to Daughter]

Daughter: Dad, it’s just ISIS.

[Daughter winks at Father and walks.]

[Cut to Daughter getting on the ISIS truck.]

[Cut to Kyle on the truck looking at Father]

[Cut to Dad looking at Kyle]

Father: Take care of her.

[Cut to Kyle nodding his head.]

[Cut to the truck leaving the area. The men are firing guns at the sky and making noise.]

[Cut to Father taking long breath]

Female voice: ISIS: We’ll take it from here, Dad.

[cheers and applause]

Emergency Room

Dakota Johnson

Leslie Jones

Mr. Samson… Taran Killam

Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]

Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.

Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.

Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]

Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?

Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.

Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?

Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?

[Cut to Leslie looking speechless]

Leslie: Here you go.

[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?

Dr. Thomas: Yes?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?

[Cut to everybody]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!

Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!

[heartbeat flatline sound]

Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

No!

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.

[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.]

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Pete: Worf?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: He dead!

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.

Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.

Dakota: Language barrier? What?

Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Dr. Worf.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Is that Kligon?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’

Dakota: What? I mean…

Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh!

[The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]

Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.

Dr. Thomas: Rawr!

Dakota Johnson Monologue

Dakota Johnson

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Don Johnson

Melanie Griffith

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dakota Johnson.

[Dakota Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dakota Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. It is such an honor to be here hosting SNL.

[cheers and applause]

New York is so beautiful this time of year. Just kidding. For those of you who don’t know me, I am currently starring in Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey is based on the best selling novel that that made you wanna never touch your mother’s kindle again. Doing this movie has completely changed my life. Like, for instance, my dry cleaner won’t look me in the eyes anymore. And my dog walker gives me a little wink every time he takes a lease off the wall. It’s so great.

But this movie is a ton of fun and I’m really proud of it. And I don’t want to speak too soon but I have a funny feeling that at next year’s Oscars, it’s gonna be not anywhere. But who cares? Right? I mean, I don’t care about that. But, it’s already made like, $500 million and the fans really love it. And by fans, I mean very specific group of–

[Cut to Kyle in the audience.He is wearing kinky leather outfit.]

Kyle: Hey, hello. Hi, excuse me. Hi. I was wondering if I could ask you a question.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Oh, we’re not really doing questions, sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: What if I begged?

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Okay, alright. Quickly, what is it?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I was just wondering, who do you think will be the GOP front runner for 2016?

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Oh, really? That’s not what I was expecting you to ask.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m just kidding. I wanted to ask if you’d sign my wife’s ball gag. Honey?

[Kate stands up from the audience. She has the ball gag in her mouth, and now she puts it out.]

Kate: Your movie has brought us a lot closer. Even the kids have noticed.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: That is so sweet. Great, okay. And now I understand why my parents will not be seeing my movie. You may not know this, but my parents are Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. [cheers and applause] And it’s actually really incredible that I am standing on this stage right now because in December of 1988, my mother stood in this exact spot and hosted SNL. [cheers and applause] And this is true. This is true. Right after the show, my father got down on one knee and he proposed to her for the second time. And exactly nine months later, I was born. [Someone in the audience claps once] So, I must have– Thanks for that. One clap. So, I must have been conceived that night after the show… or maybe even during the show. Isn’t that right, you guys?

[Cut to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith in the audience covering their faces trying to hide.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

What’s wrong? Are you embarrassed that I told that story?

[Cut to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith]

Don Johnson: No, no. We were just afraid you were gonna be naked.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: We have got a great show for you tonight. Alabama Shakes are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Kyle and Kate walk to the stage to get Dakota Johnson’s autograph on ball gag]

Cinderella

Bobby Moynihan

Kyle Mooney

Prince… Taran Killam

Cinderella… Dakota Johnson

Cathyanne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Cinderella book. The book opens to the chapter ‘The Night of the Ball’.]

[Cut to a hall where people are dancing]

Bobby: Way to the turn out for the ball, my prince.

Kyle: Beautiful young maidens from every corner of the kingdom have assembled in hopes of catching your eyes.

Prince: Yes, but it’s always the same. Big over-stuffed dresses. Big empty smiles. They bore me so.

[Prince looks at the door]

Wait, who is that.

[Cut to Cinderella in front of the door in a blue dress.]

Bobby: I don’t know. I have never seen her before.

[Cut to Cinderella walking down the stairs while Prince is looking at her.]

Prince: Well, she is ravishing. [Prince walks towards Cinderella] Madam, you are the most beautiful vision I have ever laid eyes upon. I must know your name.

Cinderella: Oh, no. I’m just a nobody from nowhere.

Prince: Oh, please. Please, do tell me your name. I think I’m in love with you.

[Cathyanne walks in the door. She is looking untidy. ]

Cathyanne: Wow! No, hold on, hold on buddy. You are moving way too fast.

Prince: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your father?

Cathyanne: Oh, boy! Are you rude or what? No, I am a regular woman like Michelle Robama. Thank you very much.

Cinderella: This is Cathyanne. I hope it’s okay that I brought her. She works with me as a scullery maid at my step mother’s house.

Cathyanne: That’s just a temporary job until I can get back on my feet financially.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Um, how charming. Now, young lady, I do believe you are the most beautiful person here.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne. Cinderella is getting happy.]

Cathyanne: Wow! Right in front of my face? Okay, happy birthday Cathyanne!

[Cut to Prince, Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Madam, you must leave

Bobby: Yes, you are not properly attired for this ocassion.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, you don’t like what I’m wearing? Well, you better look in the mirror. I’ve never seen pants that tight. [Cut to everybody] You better let them things breathe or you gonna lose them like my brother did. [Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne] Now, the poor guy’s all twig, no barrels.

Cinderella: Okay, Cathyanne. This is the first I’m hearing of this. Your poor brother, my goodness. Maybe the prince could help.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Oh, no! What on earth could I possibly do about that? All I can say is condolences to your brother’s buries.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: That’s gonna mean a lot him. You know, every little bit helps.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Rather. Now, may I have this dance?

[Prince bows down]

Cinderella: Which one of us are you speaking to? Me or Cathyanne?

Cathyanne: Oh, please. Would you please get some self confidence? Okay, this is exactly why your step mother rocks the hell all over you. [talking to Prince] I’m sorry, you should meet this woman. I know you are royalty, but she is a real C-U-N-Thursday.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, may I speak with you for a minute? [Cinderella pulls Cathyanne away] Please look at me. Look how beautiful I am. I only get to be this until midnight and you are really eating up a lot of my time.

Cathyanne: Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. Hey, the prince, come here.

[Prince walks to them]

Okay, she is ready to be with you. And don’t be rude, she is drag and disease free.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, no! What are you saying?

Cathyanne: Hey, you know what? I applaud you for getting those test done coz they are scary, okay? I got my HDTV test back and it was a freaking false negative. Talk about scary.

[Cut to Prince and Kyle]

Kyle: I’m sorry. Shall I physically remove her?

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! This guy has had my number since I walked in here.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Cinderella: Please, please, let her stay my prince. I know she comes on strong and she’s not exactly everybody’s cup of slop, but she is my only friend.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: For you my dear, anything.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, so if she wasn’t here, I’d be gone. Interesting. I will take note of that.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Yeesh! Now, if I may have this dance.

Cinderella: It would be my pleasure.

[Cut to Bobby and Kyle]

Bobby: Maestro!

[music playing]

[Cut to Prince, Cinderella and Cathyanne. Prince and Cinderella are dancing together, and Cathyanne is dancing alone beside them.]

Cinderella: This is the best night of my life.

Cathyanne: Yeah! My second best. Maybe third.

Prince: You have made me so happy.

[midnight bell sound]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! You hear that clock? We got to get you out of here.

Cinderella: Oh!

Prince: Wait, where are you going?

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.

Cathyanne: Yeah, five more bongs like that, she’s gonna like hell in a hamburger. You think my hair is stringing? I’m sorry girlfriend, you know it’s true.

Cinderella: Yeah!

Prince: Wait, please tell me your name.

[Cinderella and Cathyanne are rushing towards the door.]

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. There is no time.

Prince: Oh, please.

Cinderella: Ah! I wish I could, but there is no time.

Prince: Well, I mean, you could have said it by now.

Cinderella: No!

[Cinderella turns around and walks out the door]

Prince: All is lost. How will I ever find her?

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: She left her shoe. [Bobby shows him white sneakers.]

Cathyanne: Hey! [Cathyanne walks in again] That is my shoe you freak! And I’m not going through these stairs again. So, come on! Throw it.

[Bobby throws the shoe to Cathyanne]

Okay, bye bye.

[Cathyanne leaves]