Tag: Monologue

Emma Stone High School Monologue

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone.

[Emma Stone walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be hosting SNL this time of year. It’s so beautiful. If you’ve never been here in December, they have this huge tree outside and they surround it with literally hundreds of thousands of slow tourists. It’s just– It’s beautiful. This is my third time hosting.

[cheers and applause]

I’m kind of like a veteran now. Well, last time I hosted was five years ago and I was so young back then. You know, I didn’t actually go to high school really, so for me this kind of was my high school. Being here brings back so many memories. Like…

[slow music playing. Emma Stone starts walking around.]

The lights are the same. You know. All these chairs are same. That guy was here. Hi!I think it really was like high school. There are clicks. There are parties. There are awkward hookups. [Emma Stone runs into two men making out] That wasn’t happening before. How sweet is that? Old love. Oh! Kenan! [Emma Stone runs into Kenan Thompson] Hey! Five years ago, I got Kenan to try pot for the first time. Have you ever smoked since then?

Kenan: Couple of times. [as he speaks, the smoke comes out of his mouth]

Emma Stone: Good to see you. [Emma Stone starts walking again] Oh! Oh, my god! This! This is the band dressing room and I used to be so intimidated by this place because this was like where all the mean girls in the cast hung out.

[Vanessa Bayer comes out of the door

Vanessa: [looking away] Hey, bitch!

Emma Stone: Hey, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Haven’t seen you around here in a while. What have you been up to? Getting nominated for an Oscar or something?

Emma Stone: It’s like, only once.

Vanessa: Only once. God! Well, guess what Emma Stone, while you were out doing all these great movies, I was doing two movies. Train Wreck and another one.

Emma Stone: Okay, well, see you Vanessa.

Vanessa: Tell casting directors about me.

Emma Stone: Okay. I’m gonna say something for sure. Argh! [excited] Hi!

Beck: Hi, Emma!

[Emma Stone crosses path with Beck Bennett and hugs Aidy Bryant]

Emma Stone: Aidy! Aidy Bryant. This is a fun fact. This is real. Aidy and I went to high school together.

Aidy: Yeah, it’s true. Xavier Prep in Phoenix.

Emma Stone: Why didn’t we stay in touch?

Aidy: Oh, you left after one semester to go to Hollywood to be famous and I kind of just like, did high school.

Emma Stone: Right. Right. How was that?

Aidy: Actually, very bad.

Emma Stone: Oh! But it all worked out, right?

Aidy: Sure.

[Emma Stone starts walking around]

Emma Stone: So many great memories in this place. But probably, the one that sticks with me is this fling that I had with a guy on the show back then. I wonder if he ever comes around here anymore.

[drums and guitars playing]

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with a football in his hand]

Bobby: Hey, kid, how you’ve been?

Emma Stone: [blushing] Bobby, you look great.

Bobby: Yeah, I know.

Emma Stone: How come you never called?

Bobby: Sorry, it’s not my style, you know? But listen, I’ve been watching you. Spiderman, Birdman, you’ve been doing a lot of crazy stuff, huh?

Emma Stone: Yeah. Have you been doing some cool stuffs too?

Bobby: No.

Emma Stone: Oh my god. What were we doing back then? I was this silly 23 year old and you were–

Bobby: I was 35 and engaged. Hey kid, listen, I know you never had a Homecoming but we’re all family here. So, let’s make tonight your Homecoming.

Emma Stone: Really?

Bobby: Absolutely. Now, I want you to get out there, get on that floor and make a stupid little fool of yourself.

Emma Stone: Okay.

Bobby: Alright! Hey, Emma, go low. [throws the ball] Oh boy.

[Emma Stone walks to the stage]

Emma Stone: Let’s make this night special together. We’ve got a great show. Shawn Mendez is here. So, stick around and we will be right back.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys. You know, I know it’s been a long time. It’s been a lone time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was gonna win the election. I did suspect it. Seem like Hillary was going well in the polls and yet, I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full surprising as it used to be. And I think I speak for all black American when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America has done it. We’ve actually elected an internet troll as our president. The whites are furious. Never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since O.J. There’s a split screen with white people on both sides, [screaming] Ah!!!

Man, I’m not saying I’m enjoying it. I’m just saying I have never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon on television the other night. News say they did $1 million worth of damage. Every black person was watching there like, “Amateurs!” So, I’m staying out of it. I’m just gonna be like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out amongst themselves. Because for us, we’ve been here before. We’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with, man. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings, what do you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. Worse. The worst mass shootings in the history of United States. Pulse nightclub which they said ISIS did. And then turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. Look, I’ve been going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account and bump a few guys off to throw them off the trail.

I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not same as being an ISIS. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna have sex with a girl and right before I did it, I screamed out “Wutang.” That doesn’t mean I’m in the Wutang Clan. I’m just shouting Wutang out.

More shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the god damn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla in my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, “Shooting that gorilla was a toughest decision this department ever had make.” I said, “Well, you ’bout to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.”

Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that ‘black lives matter’? Now, I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took ‘you deserve a break today’. And I guess it’s kind of catchy coz everyone else is biting it. Even the police bite it. ‘Blue lives matter.’ Well, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that suit off, find a new job, coz I’ma tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. The next best thing, I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think coz, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like, Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed, you’d say, “I’m sorry, nigga. You can’t come with us. There’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta-ta.”

Donald Trump, he did it. He is our president. And I feel bad to say that I’m staying at a Trump hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I’ma tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning and cleans my room and I just… “Hey, good morning, housekeeping”, grab big handful of pussy. “Boss said it was okay.” Sorry about that, Lorne.

All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected. “That’s it, bro. I’m out. I’m leaving the country. You coming with us?” “Na, I’m good dawg. I’m gonna stay here and get this tax break and see how it works out.” Coz that’s how it’s being Dave Chappelle. First time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. Most unlikely thing happened ever. This black president came out of nowhere like, “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” [screaming] “Oh, nigga! I just got this money! I didn’t even think it was possible.”

Trump went to go see Obama last week. You see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out the meeting? Trump got stunned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. He probably came in there, [mimicking Donald Trump and Barack Obama] “Hi, how are you Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How are you feeling?” “Oh god! Got to tell you. This job looks like its gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard. I mean, at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’ma a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on, man! Relax. You haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s gonna be alright.”

I don’t know what he’s gonna do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone. Do you agree with this? [audience whooping] And thank god he lived to tell about it. He was the first black dude that ever heard of America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If someone threaten our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. He’ll be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In the bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back killing four people had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out “Chi-town” for some reason.

You know, before I go, I do wanna say one thing. This is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this. Coz they’re marching up in streets right now as we speak. A few weeks ago, I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years. And it was very exciting. And BET had sponsored the party. So, everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates. I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop. Well, the corner of the bus stop used to be where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was really, really beautiful night. And at the end of the night, everyone went at the west wing of the White House. And there was a huge party. And everybody in there was black except for Bradley Cooper for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge, the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House. And it did happen again as far as I know until Franklin D. Roosevelt was president. When Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flat from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a nigger in this house again.” I thought about that and I looked at that room and I saw all those black faces and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. And it made me feel hopeful, and it made me proud to be an American, and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck and I’m gonna give him a chance and we, the historically disenfranchised demand that he give us 1–2. Thank you very much.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, A Tribe Called Quest is in the building. Don’t go anywhere, we will be right back.

Tom Hanks America’s Dad Monologue

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Hanks walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Alright, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, I’m Tom Hanks. It’s something to be hosting SNL for the 9th time. Hah? Whoa! Whoa! This has been a dream of mine ever since I hosted for the 8th time. You know, magazine cover recently called me ‘America’s Dad’. [Tom Hanks opens his coat] And I would have preferred ‘sexiest man alive’, but I will take it. Anyhow, America is feeling a little nervous these days. [Tom Hanks puts on an old man sweater] And I’m a responsible father. So I thought, maybe it’s time we had a little chat.

[Tom Hanks sits and starts having a dad talk]

Hey buddy, there is my big grown nation. How you doing, champ? So, rough year, huh? Yeah, I hear you. You got a lot going on inside you. You’re feeling anxious and conflicted and you’re scared about what’s going to happen next. Well, you are going to be fine. Remember when you went through that depression? This is nothing. You’re just growing up and you’re in an awkward phase. For example, you may have noticed that your complexion is changing. You’re getting a little darker and you’re freaking out about it? But that’s natural for a nation of immigrants like yourself. Also, you’re a lot gayer than you used to be. And that is cool. That is trill. It’s fleek, whatever that means.

So, how you doing? You okay with money? Really? Coz I heard you’re in some debt. I’d like to help you out but if I do, you’re never gonna learn. Also, I don’t have $19 trillion. I have $230 million.

Something else I wanna talk to you about. You got a lot of guns, kiddo. You need all those guns? Alright! Alright! I don’t wanna have that fight again. Alright? Let’s just drop, you know, drop the gun.

Hey, one thing you should know, we can smell it. The weed. It’s like you’re not even trying to hide it anymore. But don’t worry, I won’t tell your mom because it don’t need to because she can smell it too.

Look, all I came in here to say is you are great. I know some people say China is better than you. Sure, you know, China might be popular right now. People don’t understand how hard it is to be you. I mean, you got a summer birthday, that’s always tough.

Also, you know, you were so dang creative. Think of everything you have done. You went to the moon. You invented the internet. You created a canon that shoots t-shirts. Alright, alright, I’m gonna get out of your hair. You got a big decision the next couple of weeks. But I know you’re gonna make the right choice. As long as you think from here [pointing the brain] and here [pointing the heart] , and not so much down there. And no matter what happens, I’m proud of you.

Now, enough of the sulking. I want you to pick yourself up, get yourself off and go show the world what else you can stuff inside a pizza crust. Pound it! Oh, that’s my man!

[Tom Hanks gets back to the stage]

That kid is gonna be fine because that kid is a Hanks. We got a great show. Lady Gaga is here. Stick around. We will be right back.

Emily Blunt Happy Monologue

Emily Blunt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emily Blunt.

[Emily Blunt walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Emily Blunt: Oh, thank you guys, so much. So much. I am Emily Blunt and as you can tell from my accent, I am smarter than you. So excited to be here at Saturday Night Live. It just means I’m not at home watching the news, riot with this election. I just feel like they’re these dark clouds sort of hanging over all of us and we need a break. So, if it’s okay, I just wanna see if we can get some fun, positive energy in here. Right? Can we do that?

[cheers and applause]

I wanna be happy again.

[music playing]

[singing] Forget the troubles, come on get happy
better chainsaw your cares away
shanana-luya come on get happy
get ready for a better day

Okay, starting to feel a bit better but we can do more.

[Mikey Day walks in with cookies]

Mikey, the cookies. Well done.

Mikey Day: Yes, got em’ right here.

Emily Blunt: Let’s do this.

[Emily Blunt walks to the audience with a plate of cookies]

The sun is shining come on get happy
come on and take my hand

[Emily Blunt hands over the plate of cookies to an audience]

Keep the plate

shanana-luya come on get happy

we’re going to the promise land

[Emily Blunt gets back to the stage]

Oh, that felt good. It felt so good. But we gotta pump up for happy even more. Kenan and Cecily, bring in the puppies.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in with puppies]

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: We’re heading for good times
you can count on me
you just got to hold tight
and then you will see

Emily Blunt: Give those puppies away, guys. Yeah, that’s right. Everyone’s getting a puppy. Not just for comedy. They’re your responsibility for the rest of your life.

[Cut to Kenan at the audience handing over the puppy]

Kenan: That’s right. His name is Dr. Fuzz and he is not partly trained. And he just ate. [

[Cut to Cecily at the audience handing over the puppy]

Cecily: Okay, this is Pepper and she hasn’t had any shots since she hates people. Good luck.

[Cut to Emily Blunt]

Emily Blunt: Aw, how cute is that? You see you can’t worry about anything when a puppy is licking your face, right? There you go sir, just let it lick your face. Let it lick you. Fantastic. Yes.

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: Sun is shining, come on get happy
come on and take our hands
shanana-luya come on get happy
we’re going to the promise land

Emily Blunt: Okay, there’s a guy there just looking very stressed. Might you just take him over to the massage chair?

[Cut to Pete Davidson pulling a guy in the audience.]

Pete Davidson: Okay, come on. Right this way, sir. Come on. Don’t be weird. This is gonna be great. Okay? [Pete makes the audience sit on a chair] And if you don’t mind, I’m gonna start with the butt and work my way down.

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: Shanana-luya come on get happy
we’re heading for a better day

Emily Blunt: Oh, there’s a lady here that feels left out. Vanessa, can you give her her cake?

[Cut to a girl in the audience. Vanessa Bayer hands over her a huge cake that has her photo on it.]

Vanessa: Here is your cake. Um, I can tell it’s your’s because we we put your face on it.

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: We’re heading for good time

Emily Blunt: You can count on me

Emily, Kenan and Cecily:It’s gonna be alright, just you wait and see

Emily Blunt: It’s time to put this over the top guys. All your moms are here. They wanna hug.

[Cut to the audience. Their moms walk to them and hug laughing.]

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: Forget your troubles, come on get happy
that will chase all your cares away
shanana-luya come on get happy
get ready, get ready, get ready for a better day

[Balloons fall on them from above]

Emily Blunt: Oh my god. We have a great show. We are here, you are here, Bruno Mars is here. And we’re all happy. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Drake Monologue

Drake

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Drake.

[Drake walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Drake: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s great to be back on SNL. Where’s Toronto at? Toronto in the house tonight? Yeah? So, as you can tell, I’m from Canada and I know what you’re thinking, but no, you can not move in with me if Trump wins. I’m sorry. That’s a no. I really am glad to be here, but you’ll have to excuse me if I seem a little upset. Backstage, right before I came out, my friend showed me this meme he found online and it, and it just, it really shook me. It was a picture of me dancing in my Hotline Bling video and some joker had put a caption on it that said “when you farted and got away with it.” And if I’m being real, like it hurts, you know. Seems like this keeps happening to me. I dunno. It’s almost like all I can do is sing about it. So…

[Drake gets a mic]

I’m ready.

[singing] Drink Swiss with some old friends
That’s when it happens again
I start I hearing from a whole fam

that I got cloud on Instagram
trying to hide my reaction
when I read the funny caption
feels like I’m in a bad dream
cause I got turned into another meme, yeah.

I just wanna scream
that I’m more than a meme, that’s right
I just wanna scream
that I’m more than a meme, that’s right
catch me looking with those bedroom eyes
asking if you’re gonna finish those fries?
trying to say you really care about me
But then you put my picture on E T

how can I explain to my mama
when you got my beard on Obama
I do not complain, I’m not a whiner,
but why am I sitting on the Seinfeld diner?
I feel like I’m swimming up stream
against everybody’s memes
Why do they attack me?
And then in fact my favorite team

Look, I’m not just a picture, I have feelings too

Like how would you feel if it happened to you?
if I came after you did a meme or hurting?
Yeah, cause your sketch got cut at the dress rehearsal? Aidy?
What if I found your moment of pain
and use the ball Mount comedy game
now you know what I mean?
I am more than a memed

and look, I get that my face is expressive,
but some of that means all that an aggressive,
I would just say it’s a little excessive
when you go make me the face of Progressive

and the meaning gets distorted
I can only help but feel like crying Jordan
I’m more than a meme

Oh ladies and gentlemen, do I have a treat for you tonight? Rihanna is here tonight. Make some noise.

[Rihanna’s ‘Work’ starts playing]

[Drake wears a wig]

Oh, I’m so excited to be here. Oh my god! Oh my god!

Yeah.

See Drake in a meme, meme, meme, meme, meme, meme
But I got them unseen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen
I swear we only friend, friend, friend, friend, friends

Alright, Rihanna is incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for her, please.

For me it’s take it as a side of self esteem
feels like I’m the victim of the internet scheme
It’s just hard than it seems
You don’t love me for me, you just love me for memes

Listen, we’ve got a great show. Drake is here as musical guest. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Brie Larson Monologue

Brie Larson

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brie Larson.

[Brie Larson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brie Larson: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Hey everybody, it is so wonderful to be here. As I hope you all know tomorrow is Mother’s Day. So it’s fitting that I’m hosting tonight because I played a very strong mother in a movie every kid should watch with their mom on Mother’s Day called ‘Room’. Don’t do that. The movie is pretty intense. 10 minutes, and my own mom went to go get popcorn and just never came back. Speaking of my mom, she’s here tonight. [Cut to Brie’s mom in the audience] Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Are you excited for the show?

Brie’s Mom: Yeah, I love Alicia Keys.

[Cut to Brie Larson]

Brie Larson: Okay, cool.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey Brie, sorry to interrupt. I forgot it was Mother’s Day tomorrow. Do you mind if I do special message for my mom?

Brie Larson: Oh, yeah. Of course Beck, yes.

Beck: Thanks. [looking at the camera and putting his arm around Brie’s shoulder] Hey mom, so this is the girl I’ve been telling you about. See? I told you she’s real. And a girl.

Brie Larson: [removing Beck’s hand from her shoulder] Maybe not that.

Beck: Oh right, sure. And, um, happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: We’re not dating Beck.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good looks and a sense of humor. You look out there babe, I’ll be waiting in the dressing room. [whispering] Ask here where, oh!

[Beck leaves]

Brie Larson: For the record, miss Bennett, I am not dating your son. But since it’s Mother’s Day, if anyone else has a message for their mom, come on up.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Oh, I do Brie. Is that okay?

Brie Larson: Sure. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey mom, do me a favor. Get the remote, go in my room and record all seasons of Vanderpump Rules. Thanks mom. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: You live with your mom?

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I pay rent.

[Bobby walks out and Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey Brie, um, my mom’s watching tonight. So do you mind if I said something?

Brie Larson: Um, Pete, we’re kind of running low on time now.

[Pete’s mom walks in]

Pete: Oh, okay. Okay mom, Brie Larson said she doesn’t have time for you.

Brie Larson: Oh-okay. Okay, Pete. I didn’t know that your mom was right there. Of course, hi, happy Mother’s Day. Say something.

Pete: Oh. Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you.

Brie Larson: It’s so sweet that you brought you mom tonight.

Pete: She comes, um, every show.

[Pete and his mom walks out]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey Brie, can I bring my mom up here?

Brie Larson: Of course.

Kate: Come on, ma.

[Kate’s mom walks in]

Kate: Brie, loved you in the movie ‘Short Term 12. She just wanted to meet you.

Kate’s mom: Well, who doesn’t like a good Brie?

Kate: She wrote that.

Brie Larson: Ha-ha, yeah. [Kate and her mom leave] Oh, it’s my turn. Mom, can you please come up here?

[Brie’s mom walks in]

You’ve been so supportive to me over the years. Endless words of encouragement. And as a token of my appreciation, I got you a front row seat to the hottest show in New York.

Brie’s mom: Hamilton?

Brie Larson: No mom, no. This show. And we’ve got a great one. Alicia Keys is here. So stick around. We will be right back.

Fred Armisen One Man Show Monologue

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be standing on this stage hosting Saturday Night Live, the finale. Yeah! And it’s not just the season finale, this is the last one ever! SNL is a very important place to me. I got my start here. I grew up here. I owe everything to this place. Which is why for the past six months I’ve been doing this one man show about my time at this incredible institution. It’s called ‘Love, from New York, I did Saturday’s right’. And if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to perform a part of it for you. What do you think?

[cheers and applause]

I’m gonna do a scene about my audition. Okay? It’s about 2 hours and 40 minutes long. I’m gonna chance my jacket.

[Someone brings in another jacket for 1 and he changes it, but it’s the same jacket.]

[music playing]

[acting] Hey, everybody. Look who it is. Funny Freddy. He thinks he’s gonna tell jokes for living. [changes voice] Hey Funny Freddy, you’re funny alright. Funny looking!

[narrating] Growing up in Long Island, no one ever gave me much of a chance of making it in show business.

[making voice] Why do you want to be a comedian, Freddy? Come work with me at the pizza parlor.

[narrating] Pa was always riding me working at pizzas. And mom, well, she just wanted me to settle down. [making mom’s voice] “When are you gonna find a nice girl, Freddy? What are you waiting for?”

[narrating] The truth was I don’t know what I was waiting for. So, one day the phone rang. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. You know, the funny thing about a phone call is you never know who it is until you answer it. It could be your aunt, your grandmother, an old friend or wrong number. Ha-ha-ha. But this… this was the call that changed my life. 

[acting like he’s talking on the phone] Hello. What? Saturday Night Live? You want me to audition? This better not be a joke.

[narrating] And it wasn’t a joke. It was the realest thing that had ever happened in my life. And after I packed my suitcase, I ran to the train station so fast that I swear, my feet didn’t even touch the ground.

[acting] Ay, look at Funny Freddy go. [changing voice] You’ll be back Freddy. Nobody makes it out of this town.

[narrating] But I couldn’t hear them because I had put on my headphones and I was listening to New York New York by the chairman himself, Frank Sinatra. I couldn’t afford the rights to that song so I had to do a sound alike, if you don’t mind. 

[singing] New York city
living in New York city

[narrating] The next thing I know we were pulling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And soon as on this stage doing my audition. I hit them with the Liberace.

[playing Liberace character] Oh, I’m a bad boy.

[narrating] Then I gave them the Ringo

[playing Ringo character] Peace and love. Peace and love.

[narrating] And then, I finished it off with Prince. [playing his Prince character] [cheers and applause]

Yes! When it’s over, I flowed off the stage. My feet didn’t even touch the ground. And NBC page walked up to me.

[making voice] Mr. Lorne Michaels would like to see you.

[narrating] The Lorne Michaels? And before I knew it, I was sitting across him in his office. The walls are lined with picture of him from the 70s, a few from the 80s, none from the past 10 years. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk or he is. Finally, he breaks the silence.

[playing Lorne Michaels] So, I think you’re very funny and I think you have a bright future.

[narrating] He sounded exactly the way I thought he would.

[playing Lorne Michaels] How would you like to work here?

[narrating] I walked outside in days. I grabbed a first person I see.

[walks to an audience and holds her] Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream?

Audience: No.

Fred Armisen: No, you’re not supposed to answer. Is this a dream? Is this a dream? I’m asking you, is this a dream? [silence] Oh, you’re ruining it. Sorry.

[Fred walks to the stage]

I take the train home. The wheels didn’t even touch the track. As I got off, I looked around my town and I thought, I don’t even live here anymore. But then I heard a voice. [making voice] Ay Funny Freddy!

[narrating] Oh, no! Those two guys who never believed in me. Always gave me a hard time.

[making voice] Hey Funny Freddy.

What? What do you want?

[making voice] We’re proud of you.

[narrating] That’s the first time I thought, “I’m gonna miss this place. I am going to miss this place.” [walks around the stage silently]

The critics said that his part is too long but I like it.

Alright. [walking around] Okay, dim the lights down. [The lights dim] Not so fast. Not quick. No. Slow. Not at 22 to 24. There we go.

[walking around] Okay. Bring them back up a little bit. Back down. Down. Out. Out. Out. Out.

[sits down] Okay, fully up. Right back up. And there we are.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. Definitely the next Hamilton. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Courtney Barnett is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Monologue

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Tony Hale

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Oh my god. I’m thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [sigh] This is my third time hosting. Yeah, but if I’m really being honest that number feels a little low. Don’t you think? I mean it’s all good. SNL is a second home to me. I’m sure you all remember but I started out on this show in 1982 with Eddie Murphy and Martin Short. Well, here is one of my greatest characters.

[Cut to a short old footage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus in SNL sketch]

[Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. After SNL, I was launched into a feature film career. In 1986, I scored the coveted role of Janet the Nymph in the classic movie ‘Troll’.

[Cut to a short footage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the movie Troll]

[Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. But of course, Troll wasn’t the only movie I was in. I was also in a movie called Soul Man, which I would just love to show a clip of but I can’t because all of my scenes are with a man in black face.

[Cut to a picture of Soul Man movie’s poster. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is playing a black male character.]

[Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I know. I know. That seems weird. But please understand, it was the 80s and black face had only been considered racist for about 40 years. But now people really know me and instead of saying, “Hey, that’s the lady from Troll,” now they say, “Hey, that’s the weird lady from the old Navy commercials.” And now I’m on Veep. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. But folks, I want to take a moment and I want to apologize to the people of America for what’s going on in this election. You know, when we started doing our show, the idea of a presidential candidate being a cursing narcissistic buffoon was supposed to be a joke. So again, I am very sorry. I think we may have been responsible for the– f- f- f– uh-uh, I need the next card.

[Cut to the Tony Hale as a cue holder. He is holding a card that says “Because I think we were responsible” and is not moving on to the next card.]

I mean, what are you doing? My god! How hard is this? How f-ing hard is this Gerard?

Tony Hale: It’s Tony. But that’s–

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No, it’s not.

Tony Hale: You’re right. You’re right. I just wanna say, [laughing] you’re doing a great job. You need to host the show every single week.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. I know. I know. Now, go in with the cards, okay?

Tony Hale: Okay.

[Tony Hale leaves]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We’ve got a great show. Nick Jonas is here so stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Russell Crowe Monologue

Russell Crowe

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Crowe.

[Russell Crowe walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Russell Crowe: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to finally be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My friends and family are watching the show from Sydney. They are 14 hours ahead and they’re already telling the show was great. I’ve got a new movie coming out, May 20th. It’s called Nice Guys. My co-star is a beautiful young woman name Ryan Gosling. Gosling actually inspired me to do this show. I watched him host in December and I was like, “Wow! Anyone can do that.” So, here I am. I feel very at home hosting Saturday Night Live because of course, of my very long career now in comedy. I’ve starred in so many historical movies over the years. Here’s a scene from one you may remember.

[Cut to a fight scene from the show ‘Spartacus’]

[Cut back to Russell Crowe]

That cracks me up every time I see that because two swords, right? Could have got the job done with one. But I had to– I mean, you know. Not to mention, I was wearing a dress. Probably the funniest movie I did though was about this real goof bald teacher and his wacky ideas. I wanted to call it ‘The Nerdy Professor’. But that title was apparently taken. They went with ‘The Beautiful Mind’. There’s a great shuttle humor in there. Take a look.

[Cut to a scene from ‘The Beautiful Mind’ where he is reading the numbers at the board and making sense of it.]

[Cut back to Russell Crowe]

Did you catch it? Did you see that one? Take another look. Take another look.

[Cut to the last number that he finds in the movie. The number is 80085, that reads like ‘Boobs’.]

[Cut back to Russell Crowe]

That looks a lot like the word ‘boobs’. Right? Funny stuff, man! Funny stuff. You see, here’s the problem. Because I’m so well known for doing comedies, that even when I do a dramatic part, people still wanna laugh. What can I say, it is a gift.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. The amazing Margo Price is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Ariana Grande Monologue

Ariana Grande

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.

[Ariana Grande walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ariana Grande: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Ariana Grande and I’m a singer, not a Starbucks drink. I’m so honored and excited to be hosting and performing tonight. It’s been a dream of mine to be on this stage ever since I was a little girl which was two months go. I’ve been singing and acting since I was eight. I started my career on kids TV doing Nickelodeon.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, indeed. Yes. What an amazing place to launch a career, am I right?

Ariana Grande: That’s right, Kenan. We both started out doing Nickelodeon shows but of course that’s not the only thing people know us for anymore.

Kenan: Well, speak for yourself. I’ve been doing show for 30 damn years and people still ask me twice a week, “Where is Kel?”

Ariana Grande: Classic. I loved you guys. Do you guys still stay in touch?

Kenan: [yelling] A little bit!

[Kenan walks away]

Ariana Grande: Yeah, it can be tough growing up in show business. A lot of kid stars end up doing drugs, are in jail or pregnant, or get caught looking at doughnut they didn’t pay for. Which, yes, was childish and stupid. I’ve learned that it’s really time to grow up. I think I’m in a place where I am ready to be caught in a real adult scandal.

[music playing]

A real scandal, you know? Something to take my career to next level. Something that says, “Welcome to Hollywood, kid.” Miley’s had em, Bieber’s had em, everyone’s had em and each day I sit by my window and I dream what will my scandal be?

[singing] They’ll say, “She’s a hot mess”
or “What a disgrace”
They’ll say, “Is that botox in her butt and in her face?”
That tweet about the Jews wasn’t really point at taste
Oh what will my scandal be?

Maybe I’ll throw a fit in in LA hotel
or make life for the staff, a true living hell
I’ll puke in the pool, or pimp stop Adele, oh shit!
What will my scandal be?

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Ariana! I was just in your dressing room smelling all your clothes and you just left your cell phone out girl. You have to be careful, you know? Someone could hack into and just post everything on the internet.

Ariana Grande: Oh my god, that would be amazing.

Cecily: No, no, no.

Ariana Grande: When I was a little girl, my mama told me that I’d grow up and make millions of strangers mad at me. And now it’s finally happening. Thank you.

[Cecily leaves]

[singing] Maybe diet pills with scramble my brain
I’ll light up in first class and get kicked off of plane.
Maybe I’ll have a love child with Drake or 2Chainz
What will my scandal be?

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey, Ariana. I overheard. Do you like to smoke some pot or something?

Ariana Grande: Pot? Let’s smoke some crack, man!

Pete: I’m good.

[Pete turns around and leaves]

Ariana Grande: [singing] Imagine what they’ll say
Imagine what they’ll write
I could sleep in at the Super Bowl
And ruin my career overnight

My very own scandal
My very own scandal

Oh, what will my scandal be?

We’ve got a great show. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]