Tag: Monologue

Jonah Hill Monologue

Jonah Hill

Kyle Mooney

Future

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[Jonah Hill walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’ve had such a crazy year. Wow. So much happened. I had a starring role in the ‘Hail, Caesar!’… trailer. What else? I saw Deadpool opening day. Oh, thank god! A question.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience]

Kyle: Hey, Jonah. Medium fan here. I notice you haven’t starred in a movie in a long time.

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Well, first of all, crazy roots. Second of all, that’s not really a question, Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Okay, here’s a question. What’s it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends?

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! It’s really funny, Kyle. I love you videos that you make. They remind me of how much I miss Andy Samberg.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: [yelling] Yeah, I miss your career!

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: I hate you so much, Kyle. Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting. So–[cheers and applause] Crazy. So, I thought I’d mix it up and we have an amazing musical guest tonight. Future! I’m such a big fan of Future. I figure I’m such a big fan of Future, let’s forget the monologue and just kick things off with a musical performance by Future featuring Drake.

[Future walks in]

Future: Drake is not here, man!

Jonah Hill: Oh, he’s not? I guess I could do it.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Oh, no, no. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Jonah Hill: Get out of here. Get out of here, Jay. Nobody wants to see that. Anyway, Futs, you were insisting I should do Drake’s part?

Future: I never days that.

Jonah Hill: I guess I do know it. But… we’re gonna do this little rap. I just have one question.

Future: No, you can’t say any of the ‘N’ words.

Jonah Hill: No, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of them. I never sing them.

Future: Even when you’re alone.

Jonah Hill: Let’s do this. Jump man.

[music playing]

[Future start dancing]

[rapping] Yeah
Halloween
Taliban, Taliban
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something
I just found my tempo like I’m DJ mustard
Lobster and celine for all my babies that I miss
Chicken fingers, french fries for them hoes that wanna diss
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman,
Uh, uh, uh think I need some Robitussin

Future: Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
I just seen the jet take off they up to something

Jonah Hill: We got a great show for you tonight. Future is here.

Future: Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something

Melissa McCarthy Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hi. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness. This is so exciting. It’s Valentine’s Day show. It’s just… I have a little something unusual for you. I want everybody right now to look under their chair. Go ahead. Look under your chair. And if you anyone finds a glove, there’s one glove from this week. It’s like, caramely color. It’s a goodie and if you find it just give me a holla. It’s missing it’s sister.

I’ve been having just the most amazing week here. My whole family is here. I just finished a new movie called “The Boss” I did with my husband. We had a blast doing it. But I’ll tell you what. Honestly, all I can think about is the fact that I am hosting SNL for the fifth time tonight. Yeah. Which means I am officially now a member of the Five Timer’s club. But before they come out here and make a fuss to give me my Five Timer’s jacket, I just wanna say one little thing. Hit it!

[music playing]

[singing] Never in my wildest dreams I ever expected to host a show five times
they say five time’s a charm, I got a tattooed on my arm, 555

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: Born to host five times

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: I hosted five times

[Melissa McCarthy wars glasses that say 5X]

Five Timer’s club is mine

Backup singers: Five, five, five, five, five,
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five

[Kenan walks in wearing a big ‘5’ outfit]

Kenan: Stop it! Can we stop? Melissa, you’ve only hosted four times.

Melissa McCarthy: No, that’s not true. Five, five, five, five, five.

Kenan: Can you put her down. No, please stop.

Melissa McCarthy: No, what?

Kenan:  It’s only four. I googled it while I was backstage sweating in this foam ‘5’ costume that you made me wear.

[All the backup singers leave the stage]

Melissa McCarthy: Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. That’s not right. Wait a minute. [counting] First one was 2011, 2013, 2014, tonight, last year was a 40th, you know, 40th anniversary special. That’s five.

Kenan: No. No. The 40th doesn’t count baby girl. That counts for like, 1/16th of a hosting. So, that’s like four and 1/16th.

Melissa McCarthy: [opens her glasses] So, am I not getting Five Timer’s jacket?

Kenan: No. But look, you get this. [hands over Melissa McCarthy a banana wearing a tiny suit.] That’s cool.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh! Yeah. It is cool Why is it on a banana?

Kenan: Well, just to show scale. There’s more here. Look at these. [hands over 4&1/16th glasses]

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, these are even bigger than the Five’s. Oh, and the banana. I mean, ou think about it, now I’m like at my own club have a 4&1/16er.

Kenan: Yeah. Now, sing the damn song.

[music playing]

[Backup singers come in dancing]

Melissa McCarthy: [singing] Tonight will still be fun because I’m hosting for the 4&1/16th times

It’s even better!

never felt quite so alive, tonight I’m gonna really dive 4&1/16th times

Backup singers: She’s hosting four, four, 4&1/16th times

Melissa McCarthy: We got a great show. Kanye West is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Larry David Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright. Alright. Okay. Okay. Stop. Stop. You’re gonna be very disappointed. That’s what I do. I disappoint people. Anyway, this hosting thing, come on. So stupid. I’m not a host. I’m a guest. I don’t host things. No one’s ever been to my house. If they did go, they’d find it extremely unpleasant. I don’t put out snacks with dip. I can’t remember the last time I had dip in my house. I have a dip-less house.

You know, I auditioned for this show many, many years ago and I was terrible. Those were the days when I was just a poor schmuck. As opposed to now. Now, I’m a rich prick. Every noticed how the word prick invariably follows the word rich? If you’re rich, you have to be a prick. Same way the word schmuck always follows the word poor. If you’re poor, you’re a schmuck. Why else would you be poor? So I went from a poor schmuck to a rich prick without hardly any transition. I’m not that much happier as a prick than a schmuck. I can be a schmuck again. I never thought I’d become a prick. Neither did my friends. They said, “He’ll never be a prick.” And them boom! One day, I’m a prick. I have all new friends, all pricks.

So now, you know, here I am. I’m hosting. It’s all very well and good but honestly, I can’t wait to leave. In fact, I would say that’s one of the great pleasures of my life. It’s leaving anywhere I am. Wherever I am, I wanna get the hell out of there. Anywhere I am, it’s like I just had sex. I must go. I must vacate the area.

I’ve also noticed now how every time I start dating, my friends always say to me, “Aren’t you concerned she’s only going out with you coz you have some money and you’re on TV?” No! Why else would she go out with me? Of course that’s why she’s going out with me. That’s one of the benefits. That’s why I did this in the first place. What do you think? She has a pension for old bald men? She’s supposed to like me for myself? I don’t even like me for myself. I’m not a good person. I commit six of the seven deadly sins on a daily basis. The only sin I don’t commit is gluttony. So the nicest thing you can say about me is I’m not a fat pig.

I’ve always been kind of thin. My parents were concerned when I was younger that I might have an eating disorder. Nothing horrifies Jews more than a kid who won’t eat. Oh my god, it’s the end of the world. They’d rather I’d shot heroin. Even if I killed someone, that would be preferable to throwing up my dinner. An eating disorder? Could you imagine? “Larry! Larry! What are you doing in my bathroom? Are you throwing up your dinner? Mony! He’s throwing up his dinner again.” “Ah! Leave him alone, Rose. I don’t give a good god damn what he’s doing. Who throws up a brisket? Your mother made a beautiful brisket and that’s what you do? Well, I got news for you. You’re paying for that brisket, and the potato and the apple sauce, everything in that toilet bowl. I’m gonna wash that out.”

Now, here’s the part where I’m supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight. I can’t say that. I love the great show. Secondly, why are there expectations? What I should be saying is, “Ah! The show is so-so.” And if it’s good, you can be surprised. Anyway, the band is the 1975. 1975, which also happens to be the year I broke my masturbation record. 412 times. That’s not terrible. Not terrible. Anyway, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Adam Driver Monologue

Adam Driver

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Before we start, just wanna say, congratulations Arizona cardinals. Welcome to the first show of 2016. Right now, it’s happening. I’m in a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Please, please, please go see it. If this one does well, it might make another. I’m so fortunate to be a part of such an illustrious franchise. Especially since I’ve been acting for only few years. Before that, I was in the military and I was very intimidating. We have a photo I think, to prove it.

[Cut to Adam Driver’s photo in a military uniform.]

[Cut to Adam Driver]

Back when the marines were accepting 12 year olds. But it really is an honor to be in Star Wars. Never, never ever will you find a more devoted fan base. They’re very intense.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: [laughing] I know. Star Wars fans, ridiculous, right? Quick question… [Taran pulls out his lightsaber] What happens in the next film, Adam?

Adam Driver: You know I can’t tell you that. They won’t even tell me that.

Taran: Oh, you can’t tell me coz the audience is here, right? Okay. I’m gonna ask you at the after party though.

Adam Driver: No, you won’t.

[Taran turns his lightsaber off and walks away]

I’ve been dealing with this all week.

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with his Kylo Ren’s mask on]

Hey, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, come on! It could be Kenan! Come on, it could be Kenan in here.

Adam Driver: It’s not Kenan. It’s Bobby. Where did you find that suit?

Bobby Moynihan: I made it.

Adam Driver: How much did that cost you?

Bobby Moynihan: $6,500.

Adam Driver: Bobby, take off the mask.

[Bobby Moynihan takes the mask off. He is wearing a wig.]

Bobby Moynihan: Okay. Sorry.

Adam Driver: Is that a wig?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah. It’s a wig. The wig was 800 bucks. Listen, I gotta know what happens to Kylo Ren, man. Does he die? Please, just tell me.

Adam Driver: Alright fine, I die.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, no!

Adam Driver: But, my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I’m alive all weekend.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, it’s perfect!

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Leave this man alone!

Adam Driver: Okay, what is your Star Wars question?

Leslie: Man, I ain’t see Star Wars. I wanna know why you weren’t in Martian with Matt Damon. Because y’all was the bomb in Goodwill Hunt.

Adam Driver: Leslie, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m Adam Driver, not Minnie Driver.

Leslie: Oh! You’re Adam Driver. Well I don’t know what the internet is talking about coz you are fine! Bobby got a picture of you up his bed.

Bobby Moynihan: Pop-pop-pop-pop! Come on, hey! We’ve got a great show tonight, okay? Adam Driver is here.

Adam Driver: Chris Stapleton here. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Monologue

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Thank you. I’m so happy to be back home hosting Saturday Night Live.

Amy Poehler: Sorry, we’ve been…

Tina Fey: Together for…

Amy Poehler: The past two months non stop…

Tina Fey: We’re at the point where we’re…

Amy Poehler: Finishing each other’s centi…

Tina Fey: Pedes.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Human centipedes. It’s our favorite Christmas movie.

Tina Fey: We have been friends for like… 20 years.

Amy Poehler: [cross talk] Six years.

Tina Fey: I’ve liked her longer. But here is a picture of us when we were young improvisers back in Chicago.

[Cut to an old picture of young Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]

So young and so sweaty.

Amy Poehler: And we’re like sisters which made it very easy for us to play sisters in our new movie Star Wars.

Tina Fey: And, like sisters, we are totally bonded but very different.

Amy Poehler: For example, I’ve kind of liked things that are more modern and fun.

Tina Fey: And I am extremely traditional and dangerously religious.

Amy Poehler: But two things we both love are Christmas and making money off of original Christmas songs.

Tina Fey: So, to showcase our different flavors, we wrote this original Christmas song. Hit it, Amy!

[music playing. It sounds like a happy song.]

Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

I’m wrapping up my heart for you.

Merry Christmas baby

make my Christmas dream come true

Santa shouldn’t bother

coz I don’t need any other

besides my Christmas baby

baby, that’s you

[music changes. It is a lot slower now.]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas babies,

Harriet has said how you must die

doctor swaddled babies

hide them in the hay and cry

the rest shall come today

from the centurion god

for the taxation level

upon them is one most foul and dear

Amy Poehler: It is so important. Tina, you’re nailing it.

[music changes to the happy one again. Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Amy Poehler dancing.]

Merry Christmas baby

no need to get a present for me

Merry Christmas baby

you’re all I want beneath that tree

[music changes to slower again.]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas Yezu

[Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Tina Fey by holding candles and standing behind her with their eyes closed.]

born on to summaria‎ 

from the town of Piershiva

to the Yamak river deep.

glory, glory, glory

sons of Abraham

watching on our souls 

with a herd of sacred lamb

Ladies and gentlemen, the SNL’s gaymen’s chorus.

[music changes to the happy one again. Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Amy Poehler dancing.]

Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

I know we’ll have a jolly night

Merry Christmas baby

all I want is you to hold me tight

[music changes to slower again.]

Tina Fey: For the Romans are cruel

and the Pharisees are worse

This is so fun. This is why it works. She is the peanut butter in my salami.

Amy Poehler: Not really a combo.

Tina Fey: It is in my mouth. This is so– you wanna switch for a minute?

Amy Poehler: Sure. Not really.

[happy music playing]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas baby

gonna stop all things on you

Merry Christmas baby

coz I love you baby, that is true

[music changes to slower again.]

Amy Poehler: Wise men have to send in

from Ishyalal Hasbas

That’s great stuff Tina but it might be a little dry on a tone.

Tina Fey: Well, then let’s do a mash up. You wanna put your salami on my peanut butter?

Amy Poehler: Wouldn’t be the first time.

[happy music playing]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

Virgin Mary was a special lady

Merry Christmas baby

Tina Fey: Whoo!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We’ve got a great show tonight. Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Chris Hemsworth Second Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Hemsworth.

[Chris Hemsworth walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Hemsworth: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello everybody. Anyways, fantastic to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. This is my second time here. First time I hosted was a while ago. In fact I think we have a picture of that experience.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth’s picture form his previous SNL monologue.]

Oh my god! What was I wearing back then? Such a kid back then. It’s crazy seeing that photo. Now, I gotta say, I really feel at home now. I’ve been horsing around with the cast all week. Feels like I’m back in Australia. You know? Roughing out with my brothers and my dad. It’s like I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of Hemsworths, you know? In fact, we’ve got one just over here. [pointing at the audience]

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the audience] Pete! My man! Camera, let’s go. How are things man? High five!

[Pete gives Chris Hemsworth his hand for a high-five but Chris Hemsworth hits him on his nuts.]

Pete: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: He loves it when I do that.

Pete: I don’t!

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the studio back stage]

Chris Hemsworth: You do. You do. [Chris Hemsworth walks to Bobby Moynihan] Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey, man.

[Chris Hemsworth starts tickling Bobby hard]

Chris Hemsworth: You love tickles, huh?

Bobby: Oh! Oh! Too hard.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, ya, you’ve got a bit of hair.

[Chris Hemsworth shows the hair he has pulled out of Bobby]

Here you go.

Bobby: Yeah, I’ll take that.

Chris Hemsworth: How many sketches you play in closing tonight?

Bobby: All of em’.

Chris Hemsworth: All of em? Yeah you are, baby.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Kate McKinnon. She is talking on the phone.]

Kate! Kate the great, huh? Who is this? [pulls away the phone] Hello? Oh, no thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone] Sorry, I think they hung up, whoever was on the phone.

Kate: It’s okay. It was Hillary Clinton.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh yeah? Good. Oh, give me an apple. You’ve got an apple?

[Chris Hemsworth takes an apple from the desk]

Hey! Becky boy! [Chris Hemsworth walks to Beck Bennett] What’s up baby?

Beck: Oh, my god! [Beck runs away from Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth hits Beck with the apple and he falls down.]

Chris Hemsworth: Ha-ha-ha-ha. My man. Look at that. You better run. Yeah, he loves it when I do that. We’ve doing that all week. Who else we’ve got? Who else is hanging around big Chris’s house? [Chris Hemsworth walks to Kyle Mooney. His hand is plastered.] Mooney, Mooney, my man. How’s the wrist?

Kyle: You fractured it.

Chris Hemsworth: Well, sorry about that buddy. Listen, congrats. I heard you bought some new real estate and you got yourself two acres.

Kyle: No. I don’t.

Chris Hemsworth: Are you sure? [Chris Hemsworth hits Kyle on his nuts]

Kyle: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: You do now, don’t ya? You’re gorgeous man! You’re gorgeous.

[Chris Hemsworth is walking. There are pictures of people who have hosted SNL.]

The guys who have SNL past– [Chris Hemsworth sees his own photo] Oh, there we go. Who is that guy? Huh? I think these walls can talk. He’s got a coupleof stories, I’ll tell ya.

[Leslie Jones walks to Chris Hemsworth]

Ha-ha! LJ, LJ, what’s up?

Leslie: You touch me and I will beat your ass, Chris.

[Chris Hemsworth walks away]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, got it. Oh, shh.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Aidy Bryant]

[yelling from behind] Aidy Bryant sucks!

Aidy: Ah! It’s too much buddy!

Chris Hemsworth: Come on. You wouldn’t hate it, would you?

Aidy: Yes, I would.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you would. Alright. This is where ladies get changes in here. And I think Vanessa is.. [knocking at the cabin] Vanessa! You in here?

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m changing.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, good. I got you that water here after.

Vanessa: Oh, thanks. You can just leave[[

[Chris Hemsworth pours the water on Vanessa from outside the cabin.]

Oh my god! Chris, I hate you!

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you’d hit it, wouldn’t you?

Vanessa: Yeah, I know.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good. Alright. Let’s wrap it up. Come  down this way down the hall. Back here, you look at the door and say, “Open Sasheer!”

[Chris Hemsworth trips over something and falls on the door.]

Wait! That used to swing the other way. The joke’s on me, ain’t it? It’s funny, guys! You changed it up on me. Good.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Colin Jost. He has papers in his hands.]

Colin, what have you got there? Some thing interesting?

[Chris Hemsworth slaps the papers down to the floor]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Chris Hemsworth leaves. Colin picks up the papers.]

Michael Che: See you out there, nerd!

[Michael Che also slaps the papers down the floor]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth on SNL monologue stage]

Chris Hemsworth: And back home.

[cheers and applause]

Amazing back there. To be real, it’s very, very exciting to be back. We’ve got a great show tonight. Chance the Rapper is here. Awesome! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Matthew McConaughey Monologue

Matthew McConaughey

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Matthew McConaughey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here. Welcome to the zoo, we are the monkeys. It has been 14 years since I did this show. And I gotta tell ya, I did not remember how much work it is. Seriously. We’ve been doing 16 hours a day for last six days for just getting ready. Not that we are actually ready coz I promise you we are not. But you know what? I appreciate everything, tonight’s gonna go okay, okay, okay. [Teases his famous phrase “Alright, alright, alright”.] That’s not what you thought I was gonna say, was it?

Alright, well let me tell you the origin story of the phrase you thought I was gonna say. This is title of the right bar at the right time. It’s 1992, I’m in Austin, Texas in college. Not even thinking about being an actor at this point. I go to this bar where I get introduced to this producer. This producer and I started talking and four hours later we get kicked out of the so said bar. On the taxi ride home, he asked me, he says, “Hey McConaughey, you ever done any acting?” I say, “Well, no. Not really.” He says, “I’m doing this movie and you might be right for this part.” Sure enough, I wake up the next morning, I go pick up the script. It’s called ‘Dazed and Confused’. My character David Wooderson, he has three lines in the entire film. But one of those lines is what I’d like to call a launchpad line. What do I mean by that? Launchpad line is a line that if the character really believes it then I can feel like I can write a whole book on this character. The scene goes like this. Wooderson’s hanging out at a pool hall with some buddies and these girls walk by, he smacks one of them on the ass. His buddy says, “You’re gonna go to jail for that Woodman.” Wooderson says, “Nah. That’s what I love about those high school girls man. I get older but they stay the same age.” Right?

So, I get called into this wardrobe make out test on the set. I’m not supposed to work but I get called in for it. The director comes up to me, Richard Linklater says, “Oh my god. You look great. This is Wooderson. This is exactly who I hoped he’d be.” He says, “Listen. We’re doing this drive through scene tonight and I know you’re not supposed to work but you think Wooderson might be picking up on the red headed intellectual? He has already been with the cheerleader and the typically hot girls. What about the red headed intellectual?” I said, “Sure he would, man. Wooderson loves all kinds of women.” Then he goes, “Hey, you wanna shoot it?” Next thing I know, I’m in a car getting ready to shoot the very first scene of my film acting career unscripted. Am I nervous? Damn right I’m nervous. So, I’m starting to think. Who is Wooderson? Who is my man? You know, what’s he about? I had to tell myself Wooderson’s about four things. He’s about cars, weed, rock n’ roll and chicks. I look around where I am. Well, I’m in my 70s chevette, that’s one. I got a Slator riding shotgun so I’m definitely getting high, that’s two. And we got Ted Nugent playing Stranglehold on the A track, well that’s three. At this point, I hear over the intercom, “Action!” And I look up across the drive through and there’s red headed intellectual. And I say to myself, “Buddy, you got a three out of four” … alright, alright, alright.

We got a great show for you tonight. Adele is here. Yes, she’s alright. Stick around, we’re coming right back.

Elizabeth Banks Monologue

Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Banks.

[Elizabeth Banks walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Banks: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope I look okay. I just came from the gym. You may know me from the Hunger Games movies where I play Effie Trinket. I think we have a couple of Trinket heads in the audience tonight.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney wearing wig and make-up as Effie Trinket in the audience]

Kyle: [Screaming] Yes!

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks]

Elizabeth Banks: Now, most of you probably know me as an actress but I also recently caught the directing bug. That’s right. I directed Pitch Perfect 2. And I honestly don’t know what I like more. Being in front of the camera or behind it because I really see things as a director now. Like, I’m noticing that this shot is just a scooch tight. You’re kind of losing the dress. Let me ask our director. Hey Don.

Don: Yes, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Banks: Do me a favor. Pop out a smidge.

Don: You got it.

[The camera zooms out a little bit. You can see Elizabeth Banks’s dress better now.]

Elizabeth Banks: Perfect! Great! I might give a few more notes as we go.

Don: Please don’t.

Elizabeth Banks: Oh, no. That’s right. It’s your show. It’s just… ah! I’m so unbelievably excited to be up here right now. So, I’m gonna take this one. Cue music.

[music playing]

Lights to half.

[Lights dim a little]

Yeah, that’s nice. Microphone.

[Someone hands over a micto Elizabeth Banks]

And cue talent.

[singing] First when there’s nothing
but a slow blowing dream

B camera.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from B camera angle]

That your fears seem to high
deep inside your mind

Give me a close up.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from close up shot]

All alone I have cried

Too close!

[Close up shot slowly zooms out]

silent tears for the price

Better.

In a world made of steel
made of stone

Let’s loose this dress and get funky!

[two helpers come in and start opening Elizabeth Banks’s dress.]

Well I feel the music

Cue, snow.

[artificial snow stars pouring on the stage]

close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Go stars!

[a sparkling star appears on the screen]

Round, take a whole of my heart

Up to the sky cam.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from the top Ariel-view angle]

What a feeling

Cue dancers!

[four white dancers join Elizabeth Banks on the stage]

please believe it.

More diverse dancers.

[two black dancers join them]

I can have it all
now I’m dancing for my love
take a pressure

Star wipe!

make it happen

More star wipes!

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

Cue, the treadmill.

[Elizabeth Banks walks on the treadmill on the stage.]

Now, I feel the music

Green screen.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking on the clouds.]

close my eyes, I am rhythm

Downtown.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking in a downtown street.]

in a flash, it takes whole of my heart
like this big octopus.

[The screen shows an octopus behind Elizabeth Banks]

What a feeling
please believe it

I’m gonna cross, follow me camera.

[Elizabeth Banks runs to the middle of the stage]

I can have it all now
I’m dancing for my love

Count in, we have a big finish.

[Cecily, Bobby, Taran and Sasheer come in and dance]

Take your passion

Not Bobby. Lose Bobby.

[Bobby leaves the stage]

make it happen

Sasheer’s got a GoPro.

[Cut to shot from Sasheer’s GoPro. Elizabeth Banks is looking at the camera as the camera is moving.]

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

[Center up]

For the feeling!

[The song ends. Taran, Cecily, Elizabeth Banks and Sasheer do the ending pose. Bobby runs in and does the ending pose too.]

[cheers and applause]

Okay! I got it out of my system. We’ve got a great show. Disclosure is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump monologue

Donald Trump

Aidy Bryant

Taran Killam

Darrell Hammond

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here. I will tell you, this is going to be something special. Many of the greats have hosted, as you know, this show. Like me, in 2004. A lot of people are saying, “Donald, you’re the most amazing guy. You’re brilliant, you’re handsome, you’re rich, you have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So, why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? Why?” And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do. People think I’m controversial. But the truth is, I’m a nice guy. I don’t hold grudges against anybody, like, Rosie O’Donnell. She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate. The fact is when I showed up for rehearsal, Rosie was here to support me. Come on out, Rosie.

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sir, as I have told you several times, my name is Aidy Bryant and I’m a cast member on this show.

Donald Trump: Oh, boy. Isn’t she great?

[Aidy Bryant leaves]

She just seems like a really totally different person. Part of the reason I am here is that I know how to take a joke. They’ve done so much to ridicule me over the years, this show has been a disaster for me. Look at this guy.

[Taran Killam walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]

Taran Killam: Great, great, great, great. Isn’t he doing fantastic? I gotta say that you’re doing a great job. In fact I think this show just got better by 2 billion percent. In fact, they just told me, other Donald, they just told me this very interesting. That now that I am here, this is actually the best monologue in SNL history. Can you believe that? Pretty great.

Donald Trump: Yeah. That’s pretty good. That’s pretty good. A-ya-ya. Look at this.

[Darrell Hammond walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]

[cheers and applause]

Darrell Hammond: You think you’re this terrific person. You think you’re this, you think you’re that. Pop-pop-pop-pop. You’ve been very naive and quiet frankly, you’re fired!

Donald Trump: No. They’re great. They don’t have my talent, my money or specially my good looks. But you know what? They’re not bad. And we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Male voice: You’re racist!

Donald Trump: Who the hell is– Oh, yeah. I knew this was gonna happen. Who is that?

[Cut to Larry David dressed like Bernie Sanders at the back stage]

Larry David: Trump’s a racist.

[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]

Donald Trump: It’s Larry David. What are you doing Larry?

[Cut to Larry David]

Larry David: I heard if I yelled that they’ll give me $5,000. I have to do it.

[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]

Donald Trump: As a business man, I can fully respect that. That’s okay. We have got a great show tonight. Sia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.