Tag: Monologue

Chris Pine Monologue

Chris Pine

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pine.

[Chris Pine walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Pine: Thank you everybody. I am absolutely thrilled to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] I appreciate it. I was here once before actually. I did a walk on during Weekend Update when the first Star Trek movie came out. You know, Lorne was impressed that I did such a good job. I could come back eight years later. As many of you know, I have a movie coming out this weekend. It’s called Guardians of the Galaxy.

[cheers and applause]

See? You see?

[audience laughing]

I knew that was gonna happen. I’m not in Guardians of the Galaxy. That’s Chris Pratt. I am Chris Pine. Look, Leslie knows who I am. Leslie, can you help me out?

[Leslie Jones walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Now, Leslie has seen all of my movies. Tell them who I am, Leslie.

Leslie: You Captain America, Chris Evans.

Chris Pine: I’m Chris Pine.

Leslie: Hemsworth.

Chris Pine: No, I’m–

Leslie: Pine! That’s good enough. Come on. [Leslie takes a selfie with Chris Pine] Thank you, Thor.

Chris Pine: No, it’s not- not- not Thor.

[Leslie walks out]

Thank you, Leslie.

Okay, you know what? I’m gonna settle this once and for all right now. Will you bring out the poster I shipped in?

[Someone brings in the poster. There are pictures of Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt and Chris Pine.]

I had a small feeling this might happen. I just want to clear things up for everybody here and at home. Chris Evans, right? Chris Hemsworth. Chris Pratt. [pointing at himself] Chris Pine. Hit it guys.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m not that Chris
I look just like him but I’m not that Chris.
not Pratt or Hemsworth, I’m a different guy
not Evans either, look I’ve got my own cool vibe

We’re all white guys but these aren’t the white guys I am
I’m six feet tall and Chris Evans…

Chris Evans is six feet as well.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Chris, oh my god. Hello.

Chris Pine: Kate! Kate!

Kate: Yes!

Chris Pine: You know who I am! Right?

Kate: Yes, of course. You’re Chris Pine, man!

Chris Pine: Yes!

Kate: [looking at the note she has written on her hand] You’re in Star Trek. And um… [peeks at her hand again] Wonder Woman.

Chris Pine: Exactly. I just don’t understand how people confuse us.

Kate: Well, I think– you know what? I think it’s because you’re all named Chris, and you’re all kind of scruffy and squinty and jacked, but in a sweet way.

Chris Pine: Thank you.

Kate: Is this set to “Up town girl”?

Chris Pine: Yes! Yes, it is! [Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon away]

[singing] Different Chris
The only one with finger prints like this
you might have have a good eyes
but look real close coz I’m a different guy

[Kate McKinnon walks in again]

Kate: I thought of another way that all the Chris’s are the same.

Chris Pine: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Kate: You’re always at the airport wearing ta raggedy t’s that are tight just around the packs. And you have bracelets with like wooden beads from Bali or wherever.

Chris Pine: I have one but it is from Hawaii. Thank you so much.

[Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon out again]

[Pete Davidson bring in a poster with Chris Evans and Chris Pine’s picture.]

[singing] Uptown girl

See, Chris Evan’s character is Steve Rogers, right? And in Wonder Woman, I play Steve Trevor. Right? Completely different Steve played different Chris altogether.

Pete: [pointing at Chris Evans] Are you this one?

Chris Pine: Hey! [pointing at his poster] That’s my face, man!

Pete: Nah! I think that’s Ryan Reynolds.

[Pete Davidson walks out with the poster]

Chris Pine: [singing] ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

I’m Chris Pine!

Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aq

I’m Chris Pine!

Hey! Alright! We’ve got a great show. LCD Soundsystem is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jimmy Fallon Let’s Dance Monologue

Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Fallon.

[Jimmy Fallon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much. It is so great. I love you. I love you. It’s so great to be back here on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is where it all started for me. And I’m so happy to come home. Tonight is extra special because this is the first time in SNL history that we are going out live coast to coast all across the country and Canada. Tonight is bigger than a show. It’s a party.

[band playing music]

Hello, Chicago. Hello, San Fransisco. We’re out here at New York city.

Hello Montreal. Hello Houston, Colorado, New Hampshire.

[Jimmy Fallon stars dancing and walking around at the audience side]

Brooklyn!

[Jimmy Fallon calls the audience, and they stand and dance with him too]

[singing] Let’s dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s dance
on song they’re playing on the radio

[Harry Styles joins]
Let’s Sway
from the lights of you face
Let’s Sway
sway through the crowd to an empty space

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower 

[guitar solo]

Let’s dance

put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s sway
under the moonlight, this serious moonlight

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower

[music stops]

We have got a great show tonight! Harry Styles is here! Stick around and we’ll be right back!

Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Yes. Yes. that’s right. That’s right. That’s appropriate. Here’s a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Coz there was a black guy walking behind him and he was nervous. He was new to the city, this chicken, and he was like, “I feel like he is following me. But I’m not sure.” But then he thought, “Maybe if I cross the road, then if he crosses the road, he’s definitely following me.” So he crossed the road. And the black guy went home. He’s just living his life. And the chicken was like, “I’m such a racist.” He felt bad. But about a month later, a black guy ate the chicken. Different black guy. I’m just telling you what happened. Wait, wait. Don’t be upset coz this is not a racist joke. This joke is not racist. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely racist. But that’s chickens. Chickens are very closed down, sort of suspicious and prejudice. You kind of can’t blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. That’s why chickens are like, [looking around suspiciously] . there’s no friendly chickens. You can feed the same chicken every day. He’s like, “I’m not coming over there, you black son of a bitch. I know what you want! I’m not your soup yet, you jew.”

I like animals. I like thinking about animals. I like wondering what animals are thinking. Nobody knows what any animal thinks. You can ask an animal any question and the conversation is over. I wonder if– the giraffe. The giraffes– Are giraffes up there going, [freaking out] “Whoa! It’s too high! Hey, horse! Horse!” “What, man?” “Look at this. It’s crazy.” “Yeah, your’e a giraffe.” “Yeah, but look at my neck.” “Phrr.” That’s why horses make that noise. If you’re near a horse, and he does that, that’s because you suck.

Does a moose look different when it’s surprised? Did you see a moose? They always have this, [looking around with eyes wide open]. I saw a moose once in person, or in moose. Maybe I was projecting because I was like, “Oh, my god! It’s a moose.” And he looked like he was going. “Oh my god! I’m a moose!” Every moose looks like a dude who just got turned into a moose before you looked at him.

I’m thinking of buying a goat. I’m thinking of buying a goat because I want to have a trash can that I can make love to. So that’s why I’m going to buy a goat. So I can have sex with a trash can. I can do that with a trash can I have now but a goat has a vagina. That makes it a lot better. [crowed disgusted] I don’t care that your’e upset. I’m still getting the goat.

I love doing this. This is my favorite thing to do, standup comedy. I have been doing this for 32 years now. [cheers and applause] And it’s been– 32 years. And it’s been going great for four years. Four years, it has been great. 28 years, I struggled. But you know what? I was happy then too. I was always happy when I was struggling coz when your life sucks, it just sucks. You don’t expect anything else. When your life gets good, you start expecting it till you get unhappy. This is what happens. Like, now I stay in beautiful 5-star hotels and I’m miserable. I used to stay in motels. Not even like a nice motels with like, name Motel 6. I stayed in just Motel. Not even a name. Like they built it and one guy’s like, “What should we name it?” And the other guys is like, “What? Last time you took a dump, did you name it?”

You know those motels that are right on the highway where you ride by and you’re like, “Who is inside of that?” It’s right on the highway. Literally, you open the door and there’s a truck. And when you– There’s a little shower, and as soon as you get in the shower, you’re dirtier now. They give you a little soap and you have to peel off the paper, and then it just makes a rash. You can write your name in a skin disease with the soap. And there’s always two beds and one bed has a big pool of sperm right in the middle of it. I don’t know why. Big deep pool with a current. Hide tide in the sperm pool! Where’s the boats?

I stayed in place like that for years and I was happy. Because what are you going to do? Complain to the motel? What are you gonna do? Call the front desk in a motel? “I want to speak to the manager.” “Well, he’s dead. Somebody duck taped him to a chair and shot him in the head because he owed him $15. Now I stay at beautiful 5-star hotels and I’ miserable, I’m always upset. First of all, I don’t like them. I’m not used to it. I don’t like the fanciness.  I don’t like that they tie your bathrobe into a swan that we have to dismantle. And I don’t like it when you call room service, they have to say a long flowery ‘hello’ before you get to talk about food. This is how they answer the phone at room service at fancy hotel like, “Hello [gibberish].” I hate it! I never let them. I call them, they’re like, “Hello–“. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Coffee. Don’t read it back.” I’m mean.

Also, if you stay in fancy hotels, you get used to it so you start getting upset when things aren’t perfect. Like, one time, my laundry wasn’t there. I had laundry. I was waiting for it. So I called housekeeping. Now they don’t answer the phone all fancy at housekeeping. This is how she answers the phone. She goes, “Hello?” and I actually said this to her. I said, “Do you want to try that again?” Yes, I’m letting you know about me. That’s what I said. “Did I reach you on your personal phone today?” So she says, “What do you need, sir?” And I said, “Well, I don’t have my laundry. And I gave it to you.” She said, “You didn’t give it to me.” I was like, “Oh my god, I’m so excited, coz I get to be really mad.” I said, “I gave it to your department and I was promised–“, like it’s in the constitution that you get your laundry. “I was promised I’d have it in 24 hours and it’s been longer.” She said, “What do you want me to do about it?” So, I got really mad. I said, “Listen, ma’am. First of all, you can hear in my voice that I’m white.” [crowd responding negatively] By the way, I’ll defend that right now. I will defend that. Because look, it’s wrong that white people get preferential treatment. It’s wrong. But as long as they do, what’s going on at this hotel? I’m supposed to get the best. Because I’m white… which is awful and wrong, but where is it right now?

So she got sick of me and she says, “Do you want to speak to manager?” I said yes. So the manager comes on, “Hello, Ned speaking. [gibberish]” I said, “I’m very upset!” He was like, “Oh! I’m so white sorry white sir. What white happened today?” I said, “I don’t have my laundry.” He was like, [freaking out] “Ah!” He said, “I will conduct an investigation.” I was like, “Yes! That’s a very white thing to do. I want a white investigation with my laundry!” So he said, “I will call you back in five minutes or less.” Hmm. So, I was waiting in my room like, [laughing proudly]. The manager calls me back and he says, “Sir, I looked into the matter and I do need to ask you one question. Are you certain that you gave us laundry?” And as soon as he said that, I was like, “I did not give you.”

[cheers and applause]

We have a great show tonight. The Chainsmokers are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Octavia Spencer Monologue

Octavia Spencer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Octavia Spencer.

[Octavia Spencer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Octavia Spencer: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’! It’s a dream come true to be here. No, really. I have spent the last four months of my life at award shows doing interviews and walking red carpets, so this is my first real night out of my spanx. Just kidding, I’m still wearing spanx. And by the way, did you all watch the Oscars? [cheers and applause] I mean, how insane was that? How crazy was it that I didn’t win? Oh, look, but I mean it when I say it, it truly is an honor to be nominated because — for a good part of my career, I pretty much just played nurses. I played a nurse 16 times. I did it so many times that when I played a maid, they gave me an Oscar. I guess I have what Hollywood calls ‘resting nurse face’. For example, I played nurse that had it. [Grounded for life] A nurse that had it up to here. [Red band society] And a nurse that had it so bad, this happened. [Halloween II] Yeah, she got stabbed bad. So, after all that, it was so wonderful to play a NASA mathematician like I do in ‘Hidden Figures’. People have been so kin to me about that movie. So many people have been coming up to me saying, “I love Hidden Fences.” And I say, “No, I was in Hidden Figures.” I mean, I get it, I get it. There were three black movies at the Oscars this year, and that’s a lot for America. If you were going to get confused anyway, I thought I might as well make some money off of it. That’s why, I produced ‘Hidden Fence Light.’ It’s the story of three black women who send an introspective gay boy to build a fence on the moon.

Oh, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Father John Misty is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Alec Baldwin’s 17th Time Monologue

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin.

[Alec Baldwin walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I know you’ve seen a lot of me this season, but tonight I’m hosting and this is my 17th time. Thank you. [cheers and applause] That’s an achievement that only comes if you are a comedy icon like Steve Martin or an enduring character/actor like John Goodman, or if you were lucky enough to be in the car in 1987 when Lorne Michaels ran over a man selling oranges on this side of the highway. But I’m pround to say, 17 is the all-time record.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: Yeah, nice job, man.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody! Pete Davidson.

Pete: Congratulations, Alec.

Alec Baldwin: What’s up, Pete?

Pete: That’s an incredible run, man. And it will probably never be topped. I just wanted to come out here and just learn from the best.

Alec Baldwin: Okay, Pete. Thanks. It has been a long journey. The first time I hosted was April 21st, 1990. Here’s me doing my first monologue. [Cut to a picture Alec Baldwin’s first monologue]

Pete: Oh, wow! That’s unbelievable, dude! [Cut to Alec Baldwin and Pete Davidson]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Pete.

Pete: No, seriously, I can’t believe that’s you. I mean, you were so handsome. Did everyone look like that back then? Like a young NBA coach?

Alec Baldwin: Ah! No. Not everyone.

Pete: Dude, you were so hot, like, you should have been in movies.

Alec Baldwin: I did do movies.

Pete: Really?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. I still do them. I’ve got a new movie coming out called, “The Boss Baby.”

Pete: Oh, that’s animation. So, they can’t see you. Very smart.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody. Thank you. [pushing Pete Davidson away] No, no, look, but I don’t blame you for not knowing about me, Pete. I’m not sure what you were up to the first time I hosted.

Pete: Back in 1990?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah.

Pete: Um, I think I was waiting 3 and half years to be born.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. Let’s keep going. Here is me back in 1996, on the Joe Pesci show. I played Robert De Niro and people still ask me to do that impression.

Pete: You were pretty handsome back then too, bro.

Alec Baldwin: Well, thank you.

Pete: Were you like, so mad when you just stopped looking like that?

Alec Baldwin: Well, at least I got look like that once instead of spending my youth looking like Steve Buscemi’s lesbian sister.

Pete: Yeah, laugh it up. Laugh it up, everyone. I don’t even know who Steve Buscemi is.

Alec Baldwin: Okay, let’s keep going. In 1998, I was Pete Schweddy. Thank you. [cheers and applause] On the delicious dish selling Schweddy balls on the radio on NPR. It was a very popular sketch

Pete: Um, what’s a radio show? Was that like a podcast?

Alec Baldwin: Kind of, Pete. Kind of. Are you really young or just kind of stupid?

Pete: Neither. I’m just like, mad high, bro.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. Let’s keep going. You know what was crazy about that show in 1998? I did a monologue with a young Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy played the ghost of SNL future. Let’s take a look.

[cut to the video clip of young Jimmi Fallon and Alect Baldwin]

Jimmy Fallon: Apparently, I become a huge star in the future. And I host the show in the year 2011. Come see.

[Cut to Alec Baldwin and Pete Davidson]

Alec Baldwin: And guess what? He hosts exactly 13 years later. Isn’t that amazing? Jimmy of course looks much, much younger back then, doesn’t he, Pete?

Pete: Yeah. But like, I can still recognize him today. You know what I mean? But you, it’s like someone soaked you in water for the past 20 years.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody. Thank you Pete. [pushing Pete Davidson away again]

Pete: Wait, wait, wait. At what point, when you get older does your whole head like, expands? Does that happen to everyone? Is that going to happen to me?

Alec Baldwin: Yes, Pete. And along the way, if you’re lucky, you have an entire career. Here’s a suggestion for you, Pete. Ask me a question after you’ve hosted the show 17 times. Okay?

Pete: I will. But you’ll probably be dead by then.

Alec Baldwin: Ha-ha. Pete, thank you so much for stopping by.

Pete: Alright, listen, I’m leaving, but for real man, I just wanted to come out here so I could be next to the greatest. We’re all so happy that you’re here.

Alec Baldwin: Thank you. You can stay. You can stay.

Pete: Also, I look really hot standing next to you.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. We got a great show. Ed Sheeran is here. Stick around. We will be right back.

Kristen Stewart Monologue

Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Stewart.

[Kristen Stewart walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Stewart: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is really great to be hosting Saturday Night Live, I gotta tell ya’. I’m here to promote my movie ‘Twilight’ which this week has been on iTunes for eight years. Check it out. I’m a little nervous to be hosting because I know president’s probably watching. I don’t think he likes me that much. Here’s how I know. Four years ago, I was dating this guy named Rob. Robert. And we broke up and then we got back together and for some reason it made Donald Trump go insane. Here’s what he actually tweeted and this is real.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. she cheated on him like a dog & will do it again– just watch. He can do much better!”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Now, I know what you’re thinking, right? “That’s so crazy, the president tweeted about you once.” No, no! The president tweeted about me 11 times. He also said,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Everyone knows I’m right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: I know! And then one day later, he tweeted,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Everyone is asking me to speak more on Robert & Kristen. I don’t have time except to say ‘Robert, drop her, she cheated on you & will again!'”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Okay, to be fair, I don’t think Donald Trump hated me. I think he’s in love with my boyfriend. Because he also tweeted this,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Miss Universe 2012 Pageant will be airing live on @abc & @Telemundo December 19th. Open invite stands for Robert Pattionson.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: So, yeah. That’s crazy, right? The president is not a huge fan of me. But that is so okay, and Donald, if you didn’t like me then, you’re really probably not gonna like me now. Coz I’m hosting SNL and I’m like, so gay dude. But I have to say it’s really, really awesome to be here. I’m sure maybe some of you are surprised that I’m hosting because you think I’m too cool for school or something.

[Kate McKinnon walks in smoking a cigarette]

Kate McKinnon: Whoo! Hell, yeah, Kristen. I’m too cool for school too, I don’t even care about this show. Pfft!

Kristen Stewart: Really? You don’t care about it?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t even want to be on it, right? I just want to be like you, right? Sleep all day, party all night.

Kristen Stewart: Yeah, that’s cool. [Kate McKinnon is chocking on cigarette smoke] That sounds cool. I don’t really do that though. I mean, I worked on five movies last year. One of them’s called ‘Personal Shopper,’ you should check it out. And I just directed a short film that premiered at Sundance, which was fun.

Kate McKinnon: Hah! They did Sundance this year?

Kristen Stewart: Yeah. Dude, they do it every year. It’s a thing.

Kate McKinnon: Hah! Okay, that’s weird because I sent them a bunch of little movies, they said they weren’t doing it this year. Okay.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant getting in on a Harley Davidson, wearing all rock star outfit]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, ha-ha-ha, Kristen. You see my hog? It’s pretty cool, I guess, but who freaking cares?

Kristen Stewart: No, I see that. That’s awesome. What kind of motorcycle is that? It’s cool.

Aidy Bryant: Um, it’s a big black one. Who even cares, right? All I care about is sex. Yeah, I’m never not doing it. Ha-ha-ha. I have sex every single day.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Errday.

Kristen Stewart: Um, I think that’s really healthy. That’s a good choice. You guys don’t have to do this though. Just to make me think you’re cool coz I think you guys are awesome. It’s a done deal.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, thank god.

Aidy Bryant: Thank you. Coz, I have sex once a week on Sundays right before dinner. That’s it.

Kristen Stewart: Actually, that is more healthy. Now, it’s a really good choice. Okay, so, we’ve got a great show and I totally care that I’m here, coz it’s the coolest fucking thing– [stops herself and covers her mouth] Oh! Oh my god. And I’m sorry and Alessia Cara is here and I’ll never come back. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue

Aziz Ansari

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aziz Ansari.

[Aziz Ansari walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Aziz Ansari: Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow! I can’t believe this. I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yeah! [in intense voice] The day after Trump’s inauguration. Hmm. Pretty cool to know though, he’s probably at home right now watching a brown guy make fun of him though, right?

[cheers and applause]

Crazy couple of days, man! Yesterday, Trump was inaugurated. Today, an entire gender protested against him. Wow! Everyone should support that. It shows that people care. Very cool. I do think we should be careful though. You know? We can’t demonize everyone that voted for Trump. Some people are like, “Everyone that voted for Trump is a dumb racist, misogynist, homophobe–” Alright, hold on. We are talking about 63 million people. Don’t judge them by their worst. I’m sure there are some people have different political priorities. I’m sure there are some people voted for him with reservations. I’m sure there’s a lot of people that voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Christ Brown. Where it’s like, “Hey, man. I’m just here for the tunes. I’m just here for the tunes. I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extra curriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And ‘Make America Great Again’ is his ‘These Hoes Ain’t Loyal.’

So look, we’re divided. It’s okay. We have always been divided by some of the big political issues. It’s fine. As long as we treat each other with respect and remember that ultimately, we are all Americans, we’ll be fine. But the problem is– [cheers and applause] The problem is there is a new group. I’m talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I’m talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they’re like, [acts shocked] “We don’t have to pretend like we’re not racist anymore. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whooo!” Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! No! If you’re one of these people, please go back to pretending. You’ve got to go back to pretending. I’m so sorry we never thanked you for your service. We never realized how much effort you were putting into the pretending. But you’ve got to go back to pretending. [cheers and applause] Hey, I know it’s been a rough couple of years. Obama, ‘Empire’, ‘Hamilton.’ It’s just been hit after hit after hit. Star Wars movie is where the only white characters are storm troopers. I get it. It’s been rough. But you got to stop. You know who I”m talking about. There’s like this new lower case KKK movement that’s started. This kind of casual white supremacy. “oh, let me put my foot in the pool and see how cold this water really is.” No! No! I’m talking about these people running around saying stuff like, “Trump won, go back to Africa.” “Trump won, go back to Mexico.” They see me. “Trump won, go back… to where you came from.” Yeah, they’re not usually geography buffs.

[cheers and applause]

Is that the plan, by the way? We’re all gonna move? All the minorities? 40-some percent of the country? Every minority’s gonna move? Beyoncé’s gonna move? Beyoncé ain’t moving. I ain’t moving. Okay? My parents– [applause] My parents moved from India to South Carolina in the early ’80s. They didn’t move until nine years ago. You know where they moved? North Carolina. They love it here. They’re not leaving. [cheers and applause]

Lower case KKK, man! They’re out there. You know? Hate crimes and stuff are on the rise. You know as far as people of my own skin tone, brown people, I think the part of the problem is a lot of these people, they just haven’t interacted with any brown people in normal life. They only people they see are these monsters in the news who are just a drop in the ocean. Maybe what needs to happens when they do the news report, they should do a second report about other brown people up to normal stuff to calm those people down. So, the report’s like, “The suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Not armed and dangerous, these four other Muslim people eating nachos in Chicago. Let’s go to a footage of them. Oh-oh! Looks like Nasir just spilled a little cheese on his khakis. Got a little overambitious with that last dip. We’ve all been there.”

A lot of people are Islamaphobic which doesn’t make sense on paper. Coz, you know, like, god in Islam is the same god that was revealed to Abraham in Judaism or Christianity, same guy. But people are scared. Why? Coz any time they watch movies, TV shows and a character is Arabic where they’re praying or something like that, that’s scary ass music from ‘Homeland’ is underneath it. It’s terrifying. [mimicking the scary music while praying] And people are like, “Ah! What did they say?” Just god is good, normal religions stuff, it’s okay! You wanna end Islamophobia, honestly, just change that music. Like, if the music was different, if it was just like, [mimicking theme music to ‘Benny Hill’ funnily while praying], people would be like, “Man, Islam is one whimsical religion, isn’t it?”

[cheers and applause]

I think Trump should make a speech, a real speech denouncing the lower case KKK. Don’t tweet about me being lame or the show. Write a speech. A real speech coz these people are out there and it’s pissing a lot of people off. And I think you can make a difference coz other presidents have done things like this and it has helped. Hate crimes and stuffs went down. George Bush– George W. Bush made a speech after 9/Aziz AnsariAziz Ansari. And it really helped. Things changed. This is what he said in the speech and I’m paraphrasing slightly. He said, “Islam is peace. The perpetrators of these attacks, they don’t represent Islam. They represent war and violence. Our enemies are not our muslim brothers and sisters. Our enemies are network of radical terrorists.” And everyone applauded. Republicans, democrats, didn’t matter. Coz it was not about politics. It was about basic human decency and remembering why the country was founded in the first place. And I’m sitting there and I’m watching the speech. What the hell has happened? I’m sitting here wistfully watching old George W. Bush speeches? Just saying, “What a leader he was?” 16 years ago, I was certain this dude was a dildo. Now I’m sitting there like, “He guided us with his eloquence!

[cheers and applause]

I want to leave you guys with a serious thought. I know there are a lot of people that are worried now. It’s a weird time. If you’re excited about Trump, great! He’s president. Let’s hope he does a great job. If you’re scared about Trump and you’re very worried, you’re going to be okay too. Coz if you look at our country’s history, change doesn’t come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if day one is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever see. [cheers and applause] Good luck to you.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Big Sean is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Felicity Jones Monologue

Felicity Jones

Jyn Erso … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Jones.

[Felicity Jones walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Felicity Jones: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be here hosting the first show of 2017. I’ve been in several films this year. But I’m here tonight because of an Indie Movie I’m in called ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.’ I play Jyn Erso. It’s very cool to be the lead in the film especially as a woman. I didn’t get to use a light saber in the movie, but I did get to transfer a very large data file. So, all very exciting. Watch out for my action figure which comes complete with dropbox account. ‘Rogue One’ is the first spinoff movie in the ‘Star Wars’ universe. There’s an upcoming movie about ‘Young Han Solo’, and also the first NC-17 Star Wars movie, ‘The Force Arouses’.

This is all very exciting, but I’ll have to admit that I’m–

[Jyn Erso walks in]

Jyn Erso: Jyn!

Felicity Jones: –nervous about the show. Hi.

Jyn Erso: Is that you? Jyn Erso.

Felicity Jones: Saw Garrera?

Jyn Erso: It is you, Jyn! I have some urgent news. [takes a breath through a mask]

Felicity Jones: What are you breathing from that mask?

Jyn Erso: Wouldn’t you like to know? Felicity, I heard you needed help with your SNL hosting mission. I have a message from an old friend.

[Jyn Erso puts something on the ground and leaves. A hologram of Tina Fey appears in front of Felicity Jones.]

Tina Fey: Felicity! Felicity!

Felicity Jones: Oh my god! Oh my god! Tina Fey! You’re in a head scarf. Are you a Star Wars princess?

Tina Fey: No, I just– I bought this Eileen Fisher. They have amazing deals after the holidays.

Felicity Jones: Why are you a hologram? Are you like Tupac?

Tina Fey: In so many ways. Yes. Except that Dr. Dre that I’m friend’s with is my podiatrist. Felicity, I hear you’re hosting SNL.

Felicity Jones: Yes. Yes. I’m a bit nervous to be honest.

Tina Fey: No, don’t be. If Steven Seagal can do it, so can you. All you need to do is go out there and do your best. Don’t worry about what the reviews say.

Felicity Jones: Does this show get reviewed?

Tina Fey: Yes. Way too much. Also, no matter how it goes, the president of the United States will say it’s sad and overrated.

Felicity Jones: The president?

Tina Fey: [laughing] Yeah! The president. It’s fine, no one cares. But Felicity, listen to me. Tonight there will be lots of sketches and you’re not always going to be the funny one. Here’s a rule. If your first line in a sketch is, “Hey guys, I hope you don’t mind that I brought my friend Ray Ray,” then you’re not the funny one.

Felicity Jones: Yeah. I suspected that was the case.

Tina Fey: Also, if Leslie Jones suddenly appears at the end of a sketch acting vaguely horny and angry at everyone, it means the writers couldn’t think of an ending.

Felicity Jones: Sure. I’ve only met Leslie once and she called me Downtown Abby.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s a term of endearment. She calls anyone that who is white and British. And remember, if all else fails, you should know that back in season 35, I put a fatal flaw in the system. If you take out Kenan Thompson, the studio will explode.

Felicity Jones: Is that why he’s been on the show so long?

[Kenan Thompson walks in, still wearing Jyn Erso costume]

Kenan: Well, that and he has a family.

[Kenan Thompson walks out]

Felicity Jones: I see. Thanks, Tina, your advice has been so helpful. Is there anything that I can do for you?

Tina Fey: Yes. You must get this message to J.J. Abrams. Tell him I am technically available to act in films.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: [loud voice] Felicity! Ha-ha! Whoo, girl! Why you talking to that white lady from Whiskey Tango? It is making me angry and horny.

Tina Fey: See? There it is. Now go out there and make it happen.

Felicity Jones: I’ll try my best. [the hologram disappears] We have got a great show tonight.  Sturgill Simpson is here.  Stick around and we will be right back.

Casey Affleck Christmas Monologue

Casey Affleck

Alec Baldwin

John Goodman

Black Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Casey Affleck: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Wow, it’s great to be here hosting the show tonight. Ah! Saturday Night Live and I began the same year, 1975. We’re exactly the same age. And like SNL, people tend to say that I was a lot funnier back then too. I’m so happy they asked me to host the SNL Christmas show. But I kind of have to wonder, why me? I mean, why didn’t they get classic hosts like Will Ferrell or Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon or maybe someone cool like [Alec Baldwin walks in] Bruno Mars or [John Goodman walks in] Miley Cyrus [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman turn away and walk out] or Alec Baldwin and John Goodman. [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in again and stand quietly behind Casey Affleck]

[cheers and applause]

Although, that would be a little desperate, right? I mean, being in the first sketch and the monologue? A man’s got to have some dignity.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman look at each other and walk out again]

But I guess it makes sense that I’m here tonight because I’m in a new movie. That’s called ‘Manchester by the Sea’. Thank you. It opened wide last night and it’s an incredibly depressing picture. It is. It’s really a downer. I mean it’s great. I’m really proud of it. Please go see it.it’s a beautiful testament to what we’ll do for our family, for how everyone deserves a second chance and also to how unbearably sad movies can be. But it’s also great… but sad. But funny, but just crushingly sad. But it’s also not as sad as ‘Ocean’s Casey AffleckAlec Baldwin’, which I was also in. So, maybe give it a shot. Um, and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have this kind of scraggly beard and not in a Santa way but more like a ‘duck dynasty’ way. But I have to keep it. It’s for the next movie I’m doing which is animated [laughing] but that’s how committed I am to my craft.

All that aside, the real reason I belong here tonight is that I love Christmas. I love it more than anybody else. Christmas makes me happy. It touches something inside of me. [music playing] Although I’m not going to sing about it. [music stops] But the holidays, they just have a way of renewing us, reminding us of what we do have and the better future we can make. At Christmas time, it feels like anything is possible. [music playing] Um, except for singing. [music stops] That’s not gonna happen. But other things are possible.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in]

Alec Baldwin: Casey, you don’t have to sing to be a great host.

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin.

[cheers and applause]

You really think I don’t have to sing?

John Goodman: Yeah. I mean, between the three of us, we have hosted SNL 31 times.

Alec Baldwin: We believe in you just like we believe in another special guy with a beard. You might have heard of him, Black Santa Claus.

[Black Santa walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Black Santa: Yo, yo, yo! I’m just kidding. It’s ho, ho, ho.

Alec Baldwin: Ah! You take it from here, Black Santa

Black Santa: Oh, you got it, white Baldwin! Now, Casey, all you need to host a great show is a little Christmas magic. See?

[female voices carolling]

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow! Wow! You’re right. Look, it’s happening. Merry Christmas, Santa.

Black Santa: Actually, I’m Jewish.

Casey Affleck: Well, close enough. oh, we’ve got a great show.

[Alec Baldwin laughing hard]

Chance the Rapper is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

John Cena Monologue

John Cena

Santa… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena.

[John Cena walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Cena: Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name if John Cena and to those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler. [crowd laughs late] Yeah, well, late bloomers but that’s okay. Normally on TV, you see me in the ring throwing down all the other WWE superstars, and I love it. But it’s exciting to get away for a week and do something a little different. And now, I’m gonna need someone to help me sing. Get out here, New York Santa!

[Bobby Moynihan in Santa outfit walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Ho, ho, ho. I’m locking it.

John Cena: The normal Santa travels by a sleigh. [Bobby Moynihan starts opening his Santa costume] But the New York–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] No! Cena! You think you can do comedy and wrestling? Well, two can play that game. Get ready to feel the pain of… The Waddler.

[Cut to intro video of The Waddler as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to the SNL stage. John Cena is on stage but Bobby Moynihan is standing very far.]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

John Cena: How did you get over there?

Bobby Moynihan: I waddled! [running towards the stage] Oh! I’m coming for you, Cena.

John Cena: Okay, well you do.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, I just move real weird. [moving around John Cena’s behind] What are you gonna do when The Waddler’s coming for you, Cena? Hun?

John Cena: [laughing] I mean, that’s actually really cool. Did you make that outfit?

Bobby Moynihan: I did.

John Cena: That’s– I actually think you could be a great WWE superstar.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, wow. Um, thank you, John. You did not have to say that.

John Cena: Bring it in here, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay.

[John Cena and Bobby Moynihan hug each other. John Cena mistakenly breaks Bobby Moynihan’s bones while hugging.]

Ah! Okay! That’s a rib. That’s a full rack of ribs right there.

[Bobby Moynihan walks away limping]

John Cena: Okay. [music playing] The real New York Christmas.

[Cut to Leslie Jones a the back of the audience.]

Leslie Jones: [yelling] John Cena! You coming here to tell jokes on my turf? I’m bout to whoop your ass!

John Cena: Wait, what’s your wrestling character supposed to be?

Leslie Jones: Wrestling character? I’m Leslie Jones, bitch!

[Cut to intro video of Leslie Jones as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to SNL stage. Leslie Jones walks to John Cena]

Leslie Jones: That’s right and I’m bout to get in your– Ooh! [checking out John Cena’s body] Damn! Ooh! You is very fine. I did not know. Ooh, I can put my whole tongue in your chin nipple deep. [takes her card out of back pocket and gives it to John Cena] Just meet me at the hotel room, John.

[Leslie Jones walks away]

John Cena: Okay guys. This isn’t a challenge. [Kenan Thompson is sneaking behind John Cena with a steel chair] We’re in it together. I actually worked really hard on this song. Seriously. I spent all week writing with a couple of nerds, so please–

[Kenan hits John Cena with the chair. The chair breaks but John Cena doesn’t move at all.]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Got you, Cena!

John Cena: Alright! Alright. [John Cena opens his coat. He is wearing sleeveless shirt.] I’ve been trying to be nice to you guys all you wanna do is challenge me. So, if you really want some, come get some.

[Cut to John Cena’s intro video as a wrestler.]

[Cut to the SNL stage]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! I made a grand error in judgement.

John Cena: You can’t see me.

Kenan Thompson: [scared] Oh, I’m done with the flower.

[Kenan Thompson runs away]

John Cena: We have a great show for you tonight. Maren Morris is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.